The Doorman

Jerry:A doorman strike. You know what that means? Nobody's opening the door. But here's the thing - a doorman's job is so simple, that by not doing it, they're actually proving they're not necessary. It's like if a mime went on strike. How would you even know?

George:A doorman strike? What are they going to do, not open the door?

Jerry:Exactly. No doors get opened.

George:But I can open a door.

Jerry:Oh, so you're a scab?

Jerry:You know, people always think that if something happens to the doorman, life just stops. Like the whole building collapses. But it doesn't. Life goes on fine without a doorman. People figure it out.

Jerry:But you know what's even worse? The squeegee guys. These guys with the squeegees on the street. What are they doing? 'Oh, I'll just clean your windshield for you.' Nobody asked for this! You're standing at a red light, suddenly there's a guy with a squeegee at your window.

Jerry:At least the doorman opens the door. That's a door. A squeegee guy? He's cleaning something that cleans itself when it rains!

Jerry:Their demands would actually make traffic worse, proving their selfishness

Jerry:I'm here to see Elaine.

Doorman:Oh, you're here to see Elaine? She's upstairs. Go ahead.

Jerry:Thanks.

Doorman:Hey, don't be too loud up there. The lady next door complains.

Jerry:I just need to go upstairs.

Doorman:Oh, so now I'm not good enough for you? You used to come down here, we'd talk, we'd laugh. Now suddenly you're 'too good' to spend time with me. You just want to go 'upstairs.' Like I'm some kind of obstacle. Like I'm in your way.

Doorman:You know what? Fine. Go upstairs. Go ahead. I hope you're very happy up there without me. I'll just be down here, alone, doing my job, the job that nobody appreciates.

Jerry:So, how about those Knicks?

Doorman:What, you think I don't watch basketball? You think because I'm a doorman I can't appreciate the finer points of the game?

Jerry:No, I just—

Doorman:You're looking down on me. Trying to connect with me on some level you think I can understand. Well, I went to college, buddy. I know all about your world.

George:I can't have my father living with me. He smells like kasha.

Kramer:George, I need your help with something. I'm thinking of starting a tour business for tourists.

George:A tour business? What kind of tour?

Kramer:Well, see, tourists, they come to New York, they want the real New York experience. So I'm gonna stage fake muggings.

George:Fake muggings? Kramer, that's insane!

Kramer:No, no, it's perfect! I'll be the mugger, you'll be the victim. We split the profits fifty-fifty.

George:I'm not getting mugged, fake or otherwise!

Kramer:Alright, alright, give me your wallet! This is a mugging!

Kramer:Yeah, that's right, hand it over! And those shoes are hideous, by the way. Who dresses you, a blind person?

Kramer:And another thing - your haircut makes you look like you stuck your finger in a socket!

Tourist:Hey, what is this?!

Kramer:Don't interrupt me! I'm not done insulting you yet! That cologne smells like a port-a-potty at a fish market!

Kramer:Alright, alright, that's enough! You know what? I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna go to the cemetery and dig up your grave, and I'm gonna spit on it!

Jerry:I can't go back there. Every time I see him now, it's like we're in some kind of psychological warfare. He thinks I owe him something, I think he's being unreasonable. It's all very tense.

Elaine:We'll just wait for the day doorman to leave.

Jerry:The night doorman is somehow even worse.

George:He trapped us in the lobby for twenty minutes yesterday.

Frank:Where's the hi-fi? I want to play my record.

George:It's in the bedroom, Frank.

Frank:Well, I can't find it. Cosmo, where's the hi-fi?

Kramer:It's right there, Frank.

George:Wait... Cosmo?

Frank:I want to listen to my cha-cha record.

Frank:One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Frank:These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Jerry:He's still here? I thought his shift ended hours ago.

George:Yeah, he's been just standing by the door. Not doing anything. Just... standing.

Jerry:That's a little weird.

Elaine:No, no party. Jerry's having a party.

Elaine:I'm just going to stop by for a few minutes.

Mr. Pitt:I don't want you entertaining while I'm away.

Elaine:I won't have anyone over.

Mr. Pitt:I'm talking about keeping yourself entertained. No television, no music, no books.

Elaine:So you want me to just sit here and be bored?

Mr. Pitt:Exactly.

Jerry:Hey, how are you doing?

Doorman:Not so good. My wife left me.

Jerry:Oh, that's terrible. Where are you gonna go?

Doorman:I live here.

Jerry:Why do you always do that?

Doorman:Do what?

Jerry:That thing with your hands, the way you stand, everything about it is weird.

Doorman:I don't know what you're talking about. This is how I stand. This is how I've always stood.

Jerry:Well, it was great seeing you. I really have to get going.

Doorman:Oh, so now you're too good for me? You think you're better than me because you're on TV?

Jerry:No, no, that's not it at all. I just have somewhere to be.

Doorman:Everyone always leaves me. Nobody wants to talk to the doorman. We're invisible to people like you!

George:My father, he's opening his shirt in the middle of the street, just... opening his shirt.

Kramer:Why would he do that?

George:I don't know! He's just standing there with his shirt open, and people are looking at him like he's insane.

Kramer:Maybe he was hot.

George:It was forty degrees outside!

Jerry:It's common in older men.

Kramer:Yeah, well these aren't just any old man breasts. These are huge!

Kramer:You could inherit your father's breasts.

George:What?

Jerry:Yeah, it skips a generation.

Kramer:His breasts were clanging together!

George:Should Frank wear a bra?

Kramer:A bra is a undergarment for women, it's an elastic band that goes around the chest and supports the breasts. It comes in different sizes and styles - underwire, padded, strapless. You got your straps that go over the shoulders, clasps in the back. It's a very practical thing, really. Keeps everything in place, provides support and comfort. Some women prefer the lift, the separation, the shaping that a bra provides.

Jerry:Oh, this is genius, Kramer. A bra for men. Finally, someone's solved that problem we've all been having.

Jerry:I mean, what took so long? This is revolutionary. You're going to make millions.

Doorman:Hey Jerry, how ya doin'? You know, we should hang out sometime, grab a coffee or something.

Jerry:Coffee? With you? I don't think so.

Doorman:You been following me, pal?

Jerry:Following you? I live here!

Doorman:Yeah, well now you're stalking me.

Jerry:I'm stalking YOU? You're the doorman!

Doorman:And I got witnesses.

Elaine:What's wrong with George?

Jerry:He's got a lot on his chest.

Jerry:You're still here?

Doorman:Of course I'm still here. Where else would I be? I'm a doorman. This is what I do. We doormen, we have a code, a brotherhood. We stand at our posts, rain or shine, protecting the sanctity of this building. You people, you come and go as you please, but we doormen, we're the backbone of this society. We maintain order, we show respect, we have standards. I've been standing in this lobby for years, and I've seen it all. The integrity, the discipline, the moral superiority of the doorman — it's unmatched. So yes, I'm still here. Where else would I be?

Jerry:Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot. How about we start over? I'd like to be friends.

Doorman:Friends? Sure, why not.

Doorman:Hey, I'm taking my break.

Jerry:You can't go in there.

Tenant:Why not?

Jerry:You're double-parked.

Jerry:So, what's the deal with the delivery? You seem upset.

Delivery person:Upset? I'm not upset.

Jerry:No, you seem upset. What's the deal?

Delivery person:There's no deal. I'm just delivering your food.

Jerry:So what's the deal with you?

Kramer:Frank, you got a bad back, right?

Frank:Yeah, I threw it out.

Kramer:You know what you need? You need one of those chairs, one of those ergonomic chairs. My back's been killing me.

Frank:An ergonomic chair? What am I, a homosexual?

Kramer:No, no, it's good for your back.

Frank:I don't care. I'm not sitting in one of those chairs.

Kramer:Well, what about your back?

Frank:My back will be fine. You know what the problem is? It's all this baggage I'm carrying around.

Kramer:Baggage?

Frank:Yeah, I got a lot on my mind.

Kramer:Well, maybe you should move to a bigger apartment.

Kramer:It's a bra for men.

Frank:A bra for men?

Kramer:Yeah, I call it the Bro.

Frank:The Bro?

Kramer:It's a comfortable undergarment for the male figure.

George:Mom, how much does Grandma weigh?

Estelle:How much does she weigh? George, what kind of question is that?

Building Resident:Jerry, where's the doorman?

Jerry:I had to step away for a minute.

Building Resident:Well, someone just stole my bicycle from the lobby!

Jerry:That's what the doorman is for.

Building Resident:Exactly! This is why we need a doorman!

Jerry:You know what I think? I think the doorman took the couch.

George:The doorman? Why would the doorman take your couch?

Jerry:Think about it. He's the only one with access. He knows when I leave, when I come back. He could've had someone move it out while I was gone.

Elaine:Jerry, that's insane.

Jerry:Is it? Is it really? He's been eyeing that couch for months. I've seen him looking at it.

Kramer:He took my couch too!

Jerry:See? It's a pattern. He's running a couch ring.

Jerry:Okay, so we say we were at the movies.

Elaine:Right, the movies. Which movie?

Jerry:I don't know, Casablanca is playing.

Elaine:Casablanca? That's been playing for sixty years.

Jerry:Well, it's a classic! What's wrong with that?

Elaine:Nothing, nothing. What time does it start?

Jerry:I think seven o'clock.

Elaine:You think? You don't know?

Jerry:No wait, it's eight o'clock. Or nine?

Elaine:Jerry, we need to get our story straight!

Jerry:Our story IS straight! We went to the movies!

Elaine:But we don't even know what movie or what time!

Jerry:So we'll say we can't remember the exact details.

Elaine:That makes us sound guilty!

Jerry:We ARE guilty!

Frank:Bro? No, no, no. That's too ethnic.

Frank:I got it. How about... Manssiere.

George:Manssiere?

Frank:Yeah, you know, a bra for men.

George:Well, what do you want from me? She's gone. I lost my mother over this thing.

Elaine:Oh sure, and I'm the Queen of England.

Doorman:You know what? Comedians, they're useless at real jobs. You can't even open a door right.

Jerry:Hey, I can open a door.

Doorman:No, you can't. You stand there making observations about it.

Jerry:Wait a minute... the doorman saw everything. He's been watching me the whole time.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Think about it! He's always there. Early morning, late night. He knows my schedule better than I do.

Elaine:He's the doorman, Jerry.

Jerry:That's what they want you to think! It's the perfect cover. He's got the uniform, the access, he can report directly to... whoever's running this thing.

Elaine:Running what?

Jerry:The sting! It's elaborate, Elaine. Very elaborate. He's probably got a whole network - the mailman, the super, maybe even the guy at the coffee cart. They're all in on it.

Elaine:You've lost it.

Jerry:Have I? Or have I finally figured it out?

Doorman:Look, I may have exaggerated a few things, but you two have been nothing but rude to me from day one.

Elaine:Rude? You're the one who's been lying and scheming this whole time!

Doorman:See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. This attitude right here. This is why I did what I did.

George:My father's health is not good, he's always complaining. If he dies, I get the house, I get some money. My mother, she's always yelling at him. If he dies, she gets some peace and quiet.

Frank Costanza:Ban-Lon?! A man walks down the street in that, he's not gonna lie about how he's feeling!

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about the bra. It's a pretty amazing piece of engineering.

Sid:Well, it's functional.

Kramer:Functional? It's ingenious! The clasp, the way it works...

Sid:I don't think we need to get into this.

Kramer:No, no, I'm serious. I mean, think about the logistics. You're in a situation, things are getting hot, and suddenly you gotta fumble around trying to figure out which way it unclips.

Sid:This is completely inappropriate for a business meeting.

Kramer:I'm just saying, a lot of guys, they panic. Their hands get all sweaty, they can't concentrate...

Sid:Frank, I'd like your permission to date Estelle.

Frank:Permission?! We're separated! What do you need my permission for?

Sid:Well, I thought it was the respectful thing to do.

Frank:Respectful?! You want to know what's respectful? Staying away from my wife! That's respectful!

George:Dad, it's just a stain. We can get it cleaned.

Frank:Cleaned? CLEANED?! This couch is ruined!

George:We'll call a professional upholsterer—

Frank:A professional?! You think a professional can fix this?! This is a catastrophe! A disaster!

George:Dad, calm down. It's fixable.

Frank:Fixable?! My whole life is on that couch! Thirty years of sitting! And now it's marked! Marked like cattle!

Estelle:Where are you going? What are you doing? Who are you seeing?

George:Ma, I'm just going out!

Estelle:You're so secretive. You know who else is secretive? That FBI director. But at least he's got a reason. What's your reason? Your father tells me everything. Frank, he's an open book.

Estelle:What's the difference? He sells bras, I wear bras. We have a lot in common!

Frank:He sells them!

Estelle:So? I'm wearing one right now!

Building Resident 1:Hey, isn't that the guy who stole the couch?

Building Resident 2:Yeah, and now he's got a record player!

Building Resident 1:What else is he taking?

Kramer:I'm not stealing anything! My father gave me this!

Poppie:You know, it's not the coffee. It's not the food. It's Elaine.

Poppie:She gets me all worked up with her political arguments, and then I gotta go to the bathroom right away.

Poppie:She did it again today. Started arguing about something, and boom - I'm running to the john.

Poppie:You! You're the one who did it!

Elaine:Did what?

Poppie:You made me so angry, I couldn't hold it in!

Jerry:Oh no...

Poppie:I'm gonna go to the bathroom!

Elaine:Not on the new couch!

Poppie:Too late!

Frank:Here, have some of this.

George:No, no, I'm fine. I don't want it.