Prison Break In

Michael · Lucille:You look pretty, Mom. / What do you need?

Lucille:Going on all those dates with Rita. Or should I say... 'play dates.'

Narrator · Michael:Michael had been so devastated by their breakup that he'd even broken out the old guitar.

Lucille · Michael:Maybe you should talk to someone. / Like my mom? / I don't know, does she play guitar?

Lucille · Michael:And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute! / I've opened a door here that I regret.

Buster · Lucille:She has a name, Mother. / And it's 'Mother.'

Buster · Narrator:Stay in this box that Uncle/Father Oscar left behind. / In fact, it was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana.

Oscar · Buster:Oh, good, you've already got grass. / Primo bud. Real sticky weed. / Although I was getting a little worried because she was moving really slowly last week. And then she stopped.

Narrator · Bluth family members:'Herpes.' 'Shrinkage.' / Somebody saw Seinfeld last night.

Narrator:'Neck flap.' / 'Ovarian cancer.' Gee, I wonder who that was.

Lucille:Well, I'll be honest, I haven't heard anything that beats herpes.

Narrator:The Bluths ended up raising over $25,000 to fight 'TBA.' / And then—and here's the really horrible part—they did it again the following year.

Narrator:Keep fighting, little guy. With your support of the Bluth Foundation, we'll live in a galaxy where 'TBA' does not exist.

Michael · Lucille:The guy who ran Dad's prison? He's here now installing cameras because of all your father's escape attempts.

George Sr. · Narrator:Uh, yeah, looks like I won't be going anywhere for a little while. What do I care, huh? I have a beautiful wife, I have a wonderful hobby. Hah— look at me, I'm having the time of my life! / His hobby was making papier-mâché copies of his own head.

George Sr. · Warden Gentles:Oh, before I forget, do you know if these cameras are hi-def? / I certainly hope so. It'll help me better understand George Bluth, the main character of the latest and, I pray, final draft of my screenplay, New Warden.

Warden Gentles:I promised myself I wasn't going to become one of those people who were always going on about their screenplays. So, I'll just say I put together a staged reading with some fabulous young actors, and it was very well received.

Narrator · Child actors:Warden Gentles had convinced his granddaughters' teacher to mount New Warden as a school play. / 'I understand I've been causing problems. Nobody sells any coke in this pen without daddy getting a taste.' / 'Beat him with a pillowcase full of batteries.'

George Sr.:Are they color or black and white?

Lindsay · Narrator:Oh, right. Uh, he spoke at my school for a 'Startled Straight' assembly. / Actually, she'd met with him in the hopes of using his prison as a location for a film.

Warden Gentles:I think you will find the dessert both engrossing and high grossing.

Lucille:I forgot— we have a real disease. I chose it. G.V.H.: Graft Versus Host. It's new, it's fatal, and guess who's got it?

Doctor / Narrator:You've heard of bodies rejecting transplants? Well, in this case, your transplanted hair is rejecting your body.

Lucille · Doctor:Can you think of any benefits? / Benefits? No. He'll die. / Oh, yeah, no, I get that. But have there ever been any fund-raisers?

Lucille:A husband with the headlining disease. Everyone's going to want to talk to me.

Lucille:Did you see the attention Superman's wife got?

Tobias · Gob:Oh, she's right. This is going to be great for me, because I'm going to star in the video Gob's making for the gala. / Oh, yeah, it'll be very uplifting.

Tobias · Gob:Oh! Oh! This is going to hurt! / You know what? We're going to need this from another angle. / And you sure you're okay? / Oh, probably. I can't feel anything. / How's my hair?

Gob:It's fine. It's sucking the life out of you, Tobias.

Lindsay · Michael · Gob:Warden Gentiles likes her? / Likes her what? / No, I mean, likes her. Like, is attracted to her. / Who's the 'her' in that sentence? / Mom. Warden Gentles likes Mom. / 'Her?'

Gob:I'm afraid I'm with Michael on this. The guy runs a prison, he can have any piece of ass he wants.

Michael:I don't want Mom mixed up with the sort of creep that would have her as a fetish.

Michael:Hey, I don't need to take my mom to a gala, okay? Only losers go to those things with their parents, I'm going with my son.

George Michael · Narrator:Oh, I may skip that, I don't like galas. / Actually, he loved galas, all kids do.

Tobias · George Michael:Come on, don't leave your Uncle Teabag hanging. / Please don't call yourself that.

Narrator · George Michael:What he was having trouble with was looking directly at his dying uncle.

Michael · Gob:I can't stand by and watch Mom get hurt. I have to get down there. / This is heartbreaking. / Got to get this for the video.

Gob:Hey, George Michael, you want to put your head down there by his drainage shunt.

Buster · Oscar:Uncle/Father Oscar? What are you doing here? / Well, you know me. I could never leave a little bud behind.

Buster:My turtle was living in it before he ate all the grass and died.

Oscar · Buster:He ate all the grass? / Yeah. / Well, it's been great catching up.

Maeby · George Michael:You're a reader. How'd you like to read something fun that we could talk about on the way to the prison gala? / Well, this might change your mind. / Is that a screenplay?

Prison guard:You can't park there! No stair car parking!

Lucille:Oh, One Eye's a wonderful chef. I've had to go to his parole hearings twice, and lie through my teeth to keep him here.

Warden Gentles:It's perfectly innocent. / But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries.

Warden Gentles:I don't know why I always assume everyone's read my screenplay.

Lucille · Michael:That man is being wonderful to us. / And that doesn't concern you, Mother? For all you know, he could be trying to seduce you. / Oh, Michael, you're crazy. I certainly hope so. / I'm trying to seduce him.

Michael · Lucille · Lindsay:Who's the 'I' in that sentence? / Me. / You? / Her.

Michael · Gob · Lindsay:Mom wants to sleep with the warden. / What? Oh, God! / Great. / Great? / The man is old enough to be her contemporary, Lindsay.

Michael:Plus, she's married, okay? She can't be writhing around underneath...

Gob · Michael:No, I don't have a sense of propriety, my God. / Gob, we've had this conversation. / When? / The last time you ended up seeing Mom and Dad go at it.

Gob · Narrator:But, thankfully, he'd found a way to forget that. / I've got a thing of pills in my pocket. I don't suppose I could convince you to grab me one? / Luckily, that worked, too.

Lindsay · Michael:Well, how about when she was sleeping with Uncle Oscar? / The guy looks just like Dad. I don't know, he's family. It seemed very natural they'd be together.

George Sr.:Ooh, what-what... what is natural? / Is there new legislation on this now?

Narrator · George Michael:George Michael was concerned about family love after reading Maeby's script, which he took as a subtle message to him from his cousin. / 'Anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.'

Lindsay · George Michael:George Michael, what I want you to do is run upstairs and run a nice bath for Uncle Tobias, and I want you to help him get in the tub. Can you do that for me? / And don't make the water too hot—the scabs come right off.

George Sr.:Oh, it's on 'standby'! / Got another one in you?

Oscar:Say, you don't have any Sweet Freedom or Tropical Leaves, or any of the Hawaiian blends, do you?

Buster:Oh, get in the cage and hide behind the mirror, it'll look empty.

Narrator:Oscar never got a chance to hide behind the mirror. Although, it wasn't the first time he'd been knocked out by a powerful lid.

Michael · Buster:I got some bad news about Mom. She's planning on spending the night with another man. / Gob? / No, not another brother.

Buster:Oh, then why do we care?

Michael · George Sr.:Dad, I've got some bad news about Mom and Warden Gentles... dating. / Better sit down. / Okay, what's the news? / They're dating. / Oh, yeah, because she's my wife. Oh, yeah, damn it.

George Sr. · Michael:Besides, it's only dinner in the office. It's not Le Cirque. / How'd you know it was in his office?

Michael:She's working the warden. You're making fake heads. You're planning an escape.

George Sr.:How dare you. I ought to shave your head and make you sit under that camera all night, mister.

Lucille · George Sr.:P-2-2-5-2. / Howdy doody, that's it. / Now you get back here so you can smuggle me out past the guards before Michael starts blabbing.

Lucille:You want to get away from me so bad, you're free. But I'm free, too, baby. I'm staying in the conjugal trailer with the warden tonight.

George Sr.:Him? (George Sr.'s reaction to finding out about the warden)

Gob · Michael:Honey, the car is here. / Hey. Do you need a ride? You'll have to lie down.

Michael · Lindsay:Mom was just using that warden to try to get Dad out. She's not trying to seduce him at all. / Oh, no, she is. She's spending the night with him. She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag... ...table paste. Hi, George Michael.

Narrator:And Michael himself was feeling a little like the host that the grafting family was rejecting.

Michael · Narrator:I'll just stay here and read. / But this, too, would prove challenging, as the family had no books. / Other than those.

Lucille · Warden Gentles:You were just using me to get even with the man who broke out of your prison? / That escape cost me my promotion. And you'll pay for the loss of $2,300 a year.

Warden Gentles:Enjoy the chlamydia, Lucille. / Take this newly-diseased woman to the hole.

Lucille:I wish I'd read The Man Inside Me.

George Sr. · Narrator:So he searched through Gob's magic stuff to find something that might. / Well, that was a freebie.

Gob · Narrator:Yeah, Dad made me move my stuff out of Buster's room. / But only after hiding himself in the cage to get past the cops at the door.

Michael · Gob:Come on, Gob, you were gonna break out of this place once, I know you can help me break in. / It's not a Jamba Juice, Michael.

Michael:Shouldn't be that hard to break into.

Buster:Hey, Father/Uncle Dad.

Gob:It's a jetpack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?

Michael · Gob · Narrator:Now just make sure you tell me before you hit any buttons. / Good. Now we know what the strap was for. / Okay. Under the crotch. / Need a new plan. Yeah.

Michael · Gob · Narrator:Wish I knew the layout of this place. / Way ahead of you, Michael. Drew a map of it on my stomach. It's upside down, so it might be a little awkward. / It was awkward.

Gob:I drew us. I think we're, like, right there.

Guard · Narrator:Hey, guys. / If you're gonna party, you want to bring it inside? / That was a freebie.

Gob:Well, the new facility isn't so bad, huh? It's a lot like school, only it's air-conditioned.

George Michael · Maeby · Narrator:'Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.' / It's a line from New Warden. / Oh. Oh! Okay, yeah. / I don't know what I was worried about. / That would be the happiest moment George Michael would ever experience in his life.

Maeby · George Michael:'Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.' / It's a line from New Warden. / Oh. Oh! Okay, yeah.

Warden Gentles:And I don't think there's going to be an 'I'm Oscar' website this time. / I think this time I'll do a podcast.

Gob · Michael:Graft versus Host. / Sounds like a tennis match between Steffi Graf and Happy Days star Donny Host. / It's Most. / But it's far deadlier.

Gob:Hello, I'm Gob Bluth. As a magician, I can make a lot of things disappear. / There are some things I can't make disappear. / No, not that candy ball machine.

Gob:When Toby first came into the family, none of us much wanted him around. / But that's because we couldn't see what was on the inside. / But lately, that's all we've been able to see.

Gob · Tobias:But what was Tobias to do? Have his hair plugs removed? / The doctor says I'd be completely healed if I were to do that.

Gala guests · Tobias:He just needs his hair plugs out?! / Doctor says that's the cure. / There's a cure?! / No way. That horse hair is my ticket back into society.

Gala guest:We're giving money for this guy to keep his hair transplants?! / I'd rather give to T.B.A.! This is bull (bleep)!

Narrator:And just as the prisoners had proven they could throw a gala as well as the rich, so the rich proved they could throw a riot just as well as the prisoners.

Lucille:I want to cry so bad. But I don't think I can spare the moisture.

Lucille · Michael:Did you like the chlamydia thing? I gave him that. / You gave him chlamydia? / He had crabs, and I said, 'You're gonna get laughs.'

Michael · George Sr.:If Dad doesn't care, there's no real threat. And, I guess, just knock yourself out. / Where's Gentles?! I'll kill him!

Warden Gentles · Michael:Sorry about the wait. George? / If you're here, who do we have in the delousing tank? / I'm guessing Oscar.

Warden Gentles · George Sr. · Lucille:I cannot take another $2,300 hit. / I'll tell you what. You let Oscar out, and you give us an hour in here, and... we'll call it even. / Please, Ward? / I can't say no to the woman who gave me chlamydia.

George Sr. · Lucille:We ready to have some fun? / I'm so glad I didn't cry. / That I didn't need to hear.

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:George Michael gets closer to his family. / That was close, huh, Maeby? / Oh, she's in the next cell. / Looks like we're gonna be sharing a cell all night, cuz. / George Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.

Narrator · Buster:Buster tries to forget his recent losses by breaking out the old guitar.

Narrator · Gob:And Gob finally faces a phobia he'd faced before. / No! Not here! / Wait. I've seen this before. / Oh, God, I've seen this before!