Lindsay Bluth Fünke

Michael · Lindsay:Not all homosexuals are flamboy... Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.

Lindsay:I like it better on him.

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:As a youthful act of defiance, Lindsay married this man.

Lindsay · Tobias:HOOP — the anti-circumcision movement. 'I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman. Let it have its ears.'

Gay Protester · Lindsay:Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse. — I like it better on him.

Tobias · Lindsay:You're right though. It is amazing... I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me, and I think it has. — You're gay? — No. No. I'm not... I'm not gay. No. Lindsay, how many times must we have this... No. I want to be an actor.

Lindsay:Interesting. I would have expected that after the 'keeping Dad in jail.'

Lucille · Lindsay · Lucille:Well, I guess he really misses his family. — Well, he doesn't know us very well. — Yeah, clearly.

Lindsay · Michael:I'm sad. Life is hard right now. I've got the JDL on my ass. — JDL? — Jewish Defense League.

Michael · Lindsay:This is why I was against HOOP. — This is why I didn't call you!

Lindsay · Michael:You're so judgmental. — No, I'm not judgmental. — And you're disappointed in me. — I'm not disappointed in you. — You are. — So I'm disappointed in you.

Michael · Lindsay:We're a disappointing family. — We're an incredibly disappointing family.

Michael · Lindsay:We're a disappointing family. / We're an incredibly disappointing family.

Michael · Lindsay:Seriously, you're gonna pull a muscle. — I used to be able to do this.

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Michael arrives home; Lindsay and Tobias are in the exact same positions as when he left that morning. 'Is nobody gonna even try to get a job?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I have a job, Michael. It's called supporting my husband.' Michael: 'You haven't been shopping.'

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay spent $68 on hair conditioner; 'A small price to pay for self-esteem, Michael. Or are you still jealous that you lost Best Hair to me in high school and got Dorkiest?'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael lectures Lindsay about setting an example for Maeby; Lindsay replies 'Yeah. Shoot me when that happens.' / Michael: 'Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?'

Director · Lindsay:After Tobias's audition implodes, the director immediately calls for 'Lindsay Bluth' — her ex-boyfriend from high school who has moved on to casting commercials

Lindsay · Roger Danish:Lindsay and Roger reminisce about their 'crazy hair' in high school while Tobias is in the background

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:Lindsay and Maeby both celebrate jobs they didn't actually do, at the same restaurant, with unearned money

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille to Lindsay at the restaurant: 'Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.'

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:Narrator: Lindsay 'had slept through' her one day of employment, and Tobias 'couldn't hear the phone over the sound of the shower'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias discovers Lindsay's conditioner improves his self-esteem; Lindsay compliments him: 'You look very handsome today.' / 'Thank you, Lindsay.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay to Michael about George Michael: 'Or, you could not eat the cornballs and let your kid lead his own life.'

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay bought a dress on the company credit card. Michael: 'You're returning that.' Lindsay: 'But...' Michael: 'Get a job.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Maybe I should be more like you when it comes to parenting. No borders. No limits. Go ahead, touch the Cornballer. You know best.'

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille answers the phone and immediately says 'It'll fly out on its own. Why are you calling me? What do you need?' before Lindsay can say anything beyond hello.

Lindsay · Lucille · Narrator:Lindsay: 'Michael just gave me the exact same lecture in front of everybody.' Lucille: 'Everybody? Who's everybody?' Lindsay lists everyone — and then the narrator delivers: 'He didn't invite Buster.'

Lindsay:Lindsay hides the dress in the attic crawl space — but the audience sees her emerging and getting positive reactions, implying she's been wearing it around the house. Visual: Lindsay in an elaborate dress crawling into an attic.

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay, meanwhile, still had the dress and she was starting to get some positive reactions to it. / Look at you. / I am.

Lindsay:Lindsay returns home: 'I've been going to the thrift store, but I'm going to find a way to keep that dress.' Things didn't work out with Lucille: 'It was utterly macabre.'

Lindsay · Gob:I'm exhausted. / Neiman's again, huh?

Lindsay · Tobias · Buster:Lindsay: 'She always makes everything about her. She's the last person I ever want to need something from. She gets off on being withholding.' — said while Buster is clearly in the room.

Lindsay:Lindsay/Tobias reaction: 'Well, no one's gonna top that.'

Lindsay · Lucille · Buster:Lindsay calls Lucille for money for a new dress. Lucille immediately: 'Get a job.' Then Lindsay invents a story that Maeby was beaten up and had her clothes stolen. Lucille: 'Send her over. I'll take her shopping.' Buster: 'You get off on being withholding, don't you?'

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille: 'Buster said that? My Buster?' Lindsay: 'Not anymore, apparently.'

Lindsay:Great. So now we don't have a car or a jet? Why don't we just take an ad out in I'm Poor magazine?

Lindsay · Michael:What about the trees? — We're just gonna cover them up with blankets.

Lindsay · Michael:I care deeply for nature. — You're wearing ostrich skin boots. — I don't care about ostriches.

Lindsay:I'll do it for the cats.

Lindsay:Get out of our tree.

Lindsay:Look, I'm an activist too. I appreciate what you're doing for the environment. But we're not the only ones who destroy trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist? Go club some beavers.

Lindsay · Johnny Bark:He was a serious and committed advocate for change. Where is he now? At a weekend stage fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.

Lindsay:Oh, I'm up here, Mike, and I'm not coming down! I'm gonna save this tree, no matter what it takes.

Johnny Bark · Lindsay:I wanna be with you, Lindsay. — What? — And I know you wanna be with me too. — No, I don't. — But all the things you said about commitment and believing in things — that's the way I feel! — Johnny, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on. I think you're gross.

Lindsay · Johnny Bark:Uh-oh. / My tree. [Johnny Bark sees that the tree is being destroyed while he was away from it]

Lindsay · Tobias · Maeby · George Michael:Lindsay and Tobias bicker about his career change; Tobias says: 'I have needs, you know.' / Lindsay: 'And how am I not addressing your needs?' — followed by escalating arguing in front of their daughter, then: 'Okay, kids, Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.' / Kids: 'Can we come?' / Lindsay: 'Sorry. It's not for kids.'

Lindsay · Tobias · George Michael · Maeby:Okay, kids, Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream. Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

Lindsay · Tobias:In therapy, Lindsay: 'It's like we're face to face now, like we're really seeing this marriage and... I'm afraid it's a lie.' Long pause. Tobias: 'Bravo. If I gave a performance that good, I'd have my own Alias-type show.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay-as-Tobias says: 'follow those dreams. Make those dreams happen.' / Tobias: 'Yes. I will.' / 'And scene!'

Therapist · Tobias · Lindsay:Therapist's reaction: 'Wow!' / 'I'm sorry I stepped on your line.' / 'Did that answer some questions for you?' / 'Yeah, I think it did.' / Therapist: 'Now there are two men I wanna leave.'

Lindsay:On the next Arrested Development: Lindsay says she wants to become an actor too.

Lindsay · Michael:Michael, do you have any idea what would happen if I were to visit prison? / Hmm. / It would be pandemonium. / Mm-hmm.

Lindsay · Michael:It'd just give Dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks. / Yeah, I got some of that... except he also didn't like my looks.

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay went to the prison to visit her father for the first time. But didn't get the reception she was expecting.

Lindsay · George Sr.:My whole life, all you've ever praised me for is my looks. / Oh, no. Your looks... / Yes, Dad. It's always been Michael's got the brains, Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the... / High-fastening pants. / Have you said that? / No. I'm saying that now.

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay was surprised once again that no heads were turned.

Lindsay:I'm gonna go shopping. I'll be back tomorrow.

Gob · Lindsay:It's the first I've heard about it. / What about you? Neiman's? / Prison. Then Neiman's. But only because I'm going back to prison, and they've seen me in this.

Lindsay:Well, what about me? This is the third time I've come here. I haven't even been remotely harassed.

Lindsay:Have I lost it? Did I ever even have it?

George Sr. · Lindsay:I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands. / What? / Gold. Krugerrands. / Your mother snuck 'em in here stuffed in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse. / Stabbed? / In a way.

Lindsay:That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay visits prison to tell George Sr. she's been undervalued for her intellect — but 'didn't get the reception she was expecting.' No heads turn in prison when she walks through.

Lindsay · George Sr.:'Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the...' [long pause] 'High-fastening pants.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay was surprised once again that no heads were turned.'

Michael · Lindsay:'What about you? Neiman's?' / 'Prison. Then Neiman's. But only because I'm going back to prison, and they've seen me in this.'

Lindsay:'It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?'

Lindsay · George Sr.:'I haven't even been remotely harassed.' / 'That is not what I'm paying for.'

Lindsay:'Have I lost it? Did I ever even have it?'

George Sr. · Lindsay:'Your mother snuck 'em in here stuffed in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.' / 'Stabbed?' / 'In a way.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:'But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.' / 'That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.'

Lindsay:'And Dad finally paid attention to my intellect.' (Lindsay celebrates that the Krugerrand scheme proves George Sr. valued her mind.)

Lucille · Michael · Gob · Lindsay:'I'm a horrible mother.' / 'No, no, Mom. You're great.' / 'That's crazy talk.' / 'You're a fantastic mother.' / 'I can't believe what I'm hearing, Mother.'

Lindsay:But you have every day off. You don't have a job.

Tobias · Lindsay:You have to be some sort of she-hulk to get this. / You just gotta really dig.

Lindsay · Michael:You're gonna put Marta onstage with the legs? / It's gonna blow up. Legs get upset. Marta gets upset. Marta leaves Gob, and I don't get shot.

George Michael · Lindsay:This stuff's kind of hot, isn't it? / I hadn't noticed.

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay's punishment for Maeby: working for Gangy (Lucille). Maeby's horrified reaction.

Lindsay:Lindsay tells the waitress at Klimpy's: 'I'd like my old life back.'

Lindsay:'Michael, if this is a lecture on how we're all supposed to whatever and blah, blah, blah, well, you can save it 'cause we all know it by heart.'

George Michael · Jessie · Michael · Lindsay:George Michael gets a job at the banana stand, but the family (including Jessie) think he means a 'real' job — 'like a plumber or something' — and are shocked.

Lindsay:At the bar, Lindsay does the Cloudmir Vodka promotion: 'Wow! This Cloudmir's making me think fuzzy. I have almost no judgment at all.' Then she orders two more.

Lindsay · Tobias · Carl Weathers · Random Man:At Rud, a man offers Lindsay $2,000 to touch him. Lindsay is shocked — 'Oh, my God. My husband.' The man is with Tobias.

Lindsay · Michael · Jessie · Lucille:The article Jessie planted: 'Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess.' Lindsay reads it and Michael confronts Jessie. The Bluth family food fight at Rud begins.

Michael · Jessie · Lindsay · Lucille:Michael confronts Jessie about talking to George Michael: 'You said that to my son?' / Jessie: 'Yeah.' / Michael: 'You're on your own. Ladies?' — and the food fight begins.

Lucille · Lindsay · Jessie:Food fight breaks out at Rud. 'Food fight!' 'What are you doing?' 'Oh, my face!' 'I'm gonna get you guys! Stop!'

Lindsay:Well, if you call not filing for divorce 'something right.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'This was supposed to be my anniversary toast.' / Michael: 'And this was supposed to be my Valentine's Day party.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay asks Michael for divorce advice, referencing his toast — 'Should I use Barry or just bolt in the night? I'm leaning toward bolt in the night.'

Lindsay:'I was gonna take her with me in the night. She's part of the bolt.'

Lindsay:'I'm gonna sleep with my daughter, and you're gonna sleep with my husband.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay to Maeby: 'Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.' — immediately undercut by: 'Mom, please. He's got a big-boy crush on Action Jackson.'

Lindsay:'No! We may have to bolt.' — Lindsay tells Maeby not to unpack her suitcase because the divorce plan is still on.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Look, how 'bout we do this together? You take off your shirt, and I'll take off my jacket.'

Lindsay · George Michael · Narrator:Lindsay mistakes George Michael's crush on Ms. Baerly as wanting to set up his father, believing George Michael wants someone to 'fill the role of his mother.'

George Michael · Lindsay:You're my aunt. / That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And someday you're gonna find the right woman to fill that role. But until then, I'll be right across the hall.

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.

Michael · Lindsay:Hey, Linds, is it my imagination or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?

Lindsay:Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit. (Lindsay recognizing the model home's decor at school)

Tobias · Lindsay:Lindsay, say something to scare me. ...me.

Michael · Lindsay:Michael's staff meeting: 'Now, I know we've been putting in a lot of hours, but we've got to keep our heads down and power through, you know, and... sacrifice.' — and Lindsay walks in demanding a paycheck in the middle of it

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'Dad hired me out of college.' Michael: 'You quit college.' Lindsay: 'Yeah, well, I had a job. What was the point?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay leaves the staff meeting when Michael says 'staff' — 'Well, you said staff.'

Lindsay:Lindsay to Michael: 'You and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?'

Lindsay · Employees:Lindsay announces she's taking the whole staff out to lunch on a Saturday, to office-wide cheers

Lindsay:Lindsay turns off the office lights: 'Doesn't this just wanna make you curl up and forget about the world?'

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator · Employees:Michael: 'They're sheep. They'll wander off, and you'll lose the sheep.' Lindsay: 'They'll be fine.' — cut to employees boarding Lupe's family reunion bus thinking Lindsay chartered it for lunch

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'All right? They'll wander off, and you'll lose the sheep. You've lost the sheep.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay shows Michael the completed proposal: 'It's right here, Michael. You weren't here and everything got done while I was in charge. See? Not so hard, what you do.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'You really think I could leave here and everything would be fine?' Lindsay: 'I think everything would be fine but you.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'If I didn't have that phone call from the zoning committee—' Lindsay: 'You'd have no reason to live. I'll have it forwarded to your cell.'

Investigators · Lindsay · Narrator:Cut to the surveillance team after the employees leave: 'The place is empty. All right. Let's get in there and bring this company down.' — directly echoing Lindsay's 'Like that's even possible'

Lindsay · Professor · Worker:Lindsay arrives at the construction site and threatens workers with 'a stair car full of Mexican laborers.' A 'laborer' responds: 'I'm a professor of American Studies at the University of Mexico City.' Another worker: 'I took a dance class there.'

Gob · Lindsay · Michael:Gob: 'You'd bring in scabs, just like that?' Lindsay: 'Watch me.' — then Michael arrives and overrides everything

Michael · Lindsay:Michael tells Lindsay she was right, suggests rewarding staff with a party; Lindsay: 'Right. I didn't mean tonight. Just some time in the future when we have some extra food and liquor.' — then immediately yells 'Lupe! I need help with the groceries!'

Michael · Lindsay:Discussing inheritance: 'Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline, but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60/40.' / Michael: '55/55.' / Lindsay: 'Deal.'

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:Lindsay and Maeby arrive at 'Nana's' — it's not Nana. 'A fact that took Lindsay and Maeby an hour and a half to ascertain.'

Lindsay · Maeby:'Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album!' / 'We're not in the photo album!' / 'Drop the pie!'

Lindsay · Michael · Lucille:Michael asks about Nana; Lindsay: 'I think Mom sent her to a nursing home, some gray, windowless room... against her will.' — cut to Lucille on phone

Family · Lindsay:'You killed Nana!' / 'She's lying! Nana wasn't on that yacht. She's fine. She's been dead for six months.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I don't know what's more offensive — the fact you didn't tell us about our grandmother's death or that you sunk a $700,000 yacht!'

Michael · Lindsay:"I don't remember that." / "Well, you left during my solo."

Michael · Lindsay:"And I'm surprised my twin sister can remember that, considering she was repeating the ninth grade at the time."

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias's tutoring pitch to the tutor: "I will pack your sweet pink mouth with so much ice cream, you'll be the envy of every Jerry and Jane on the block."

Gob · Lindsay · Michael:Gob: "That's the blind chick you slept with?" Lindsay: "Michael, you're in bed with the prosecution?" Gob: "It's genius. You can get all the information we need."

Gob · Lindsay:What is with the insane moral code in this family? Yes, we did it. We're getting rid of the Ten Commandments.

Lindsay · Narrator:I've always been very passionate about the separation of church and state. [Lindsay, who literally just decided this hours ago]

Lindsay · Narrator:Flashback juxtaposition: The SAME scene of Lindsay saying 'I've always been very passionate about the separation of church and state' plays again, immediately after showing Gob's sleight-of-hand

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'Yeah, well, I was wacked on Zanotab the entire time. I thought Zanotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.' / Michael: 'For 15 minutes. Then it burns when you pee, and your marriage goes to hell.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay accidentally takes Euphorazine instead of Zanotab; Tobias: 'We are pushers, not takers.'

Tobias · Lindsay · George Michael:What is that noise? / We don't need the wood block. / No, I just thought I would join in on the fun.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating.' / [immediately goes to the bar]

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay mentions 'Mother's neck' as a 'bad investment' and Michael corrects: 'No, that was a good investment. It is easier to look at now, isn't it?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I want to have an affair. Now, I'm not sure with who yet, but I'll need lingerie, waxings...'

Lindsay · Michael:Michael: 'These are some real costs, Michael.' — narrator's line describing Lindsay's actual itemized affair budget

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Yeah. It's clear that's not gonna happen. We had sex once in the last year, and he just laid there.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Why don't you pick something else to boost up your self-worth? How about charity? Why don't you get back to your roots?' Lindsay: 'Well, it has been a while.' Michael: 'You're gonna go get your hair done, aren't you?'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay, meanwhile, arrived at the salon hoping to increase her self-esteem. Unfortunately, her stylist had just been called up by his reserve unit.'

Lindsay · Stylist · Narrator:Lindsay: 'Come on! These salon wars have got to stop!' Stylist: 'The war, Lindsay. The real war.' Narrator: 'Lindsay was stunned, not just that she was losing her stylist, but that apparently, there was a war going on.'

Lindsay · Narrator:Narrator: 'And Lindsay found a solution to her self-esteem problem.' — cut to Lindsay holding an anti-war protest sign.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Well, I'm protesting this war. You're my friend and I'm not gonna let Shauna cut my hair. I'm going to take a stand.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'And Lindsay found a solution to her self-esteem problem.' [Lindsay puts on a protest sign]

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby: 'Hey, isn't this the same sign you used to picket the cable company when they dropped the Style Network?' Lindsay: 'Actually, I used this one for Michael when he was too cheap to pay for the premium channels. But I added the bit about the stylists.'

Maeby · Lindsay · George Michael:Maeby tries to tell Lindsay about seeing Pop-Pop: 'You know that secret you have? The one about the hair that nobody's supposed to see? Hai...' Lindsay: 'I saw it.' George Michael: 'I saw Pop-Pop.'

Protest official · Lindsay:Protest official: 'I ask you to make sure you're fully inside the free speech zone before beginning your protest.' Lindsay: 'Free speech zone? This is where we're protesting? This isn't right. Where are the cameras?'

Protester · Lindsay:Protester giving up: 'Face it, Lindsay. They've won.' Lindsay: 'Well, I'm not going anywhere! All your water's doing is whetting my appetite for protest.'

Soldiers · Lindsay:Soldiers: 'We'll drown you out with music. Crank it up!' [implied: music starts playing that Lindsay starts dancing to]

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'And Lindsay discovered that the activism that came out of her desire for prettier hair really did boost her self-esteem.'

Lindsay:On the Next Arrested Development: Lindsay: 'I want to be a cage dancer.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay's 'hand-me-down from Mom' with price tag still on it

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Unless you're stealing or working, I'm pretty sure it is.' (re: money for clothes)

Lindsay · Narrator:Narrator reveals Lindsay applied for a job — shown in flashback with 'Can I have a job application please?' — but was 'relieved when Michael gave her the out'

Gob · Lindsay:Gob: 'What'd you use for misdirection?' / Lindsay: 'My ass.' / Gob: 'My ass. You're lying.' / Lindsay: 'No, I'm not.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'It was shoplifting, and I'm white. I think I'm going to be okay.'

Lindsay · Michael:Michael on the phone as chaos erupts: 'Michael, I'm not as bad an influence as you think I am.' / Michael: 'Well, you're not a great one.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'That's what I am, Michael. I'm a shoplifter! I've got a whole bag of clothes I shoplifted!'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I wasn't shoplifting, you twit. Yes, thanks to me. No. I WORK here. At least I used to. They fired me because they thought I was helping this idiot shoplift. Also, they said I wasn't a very good salesgirl.'

Lindsay · Narrator:On the next AD: Lindsay 'goes with her initial instinct' — shown applying for another job application

Lindsay · Gob · Michael:Lindsay announces her new business: 'Beads.' / 'Bees?' / 'Beads.' / 'Beads?' — the three-way phonetic confusion between Gob, Lindsay, and Michael

Lindsay · Narrator:Narrator describes Lindsay's failed 'Mommy, What Will I Look Like?' business: 'which gave new parents a glimpse at what their infants would look like in half a century.' Lindsay: 'Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can't be surprised when an ugly adult comes out.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'He's completely oblivious. He's got no idea how I'm feeling or thinking.' Cut to Tobias: 'So there's no sex?' Lindsay: 'I mean, how do you not have sex with me?'

Lindsay · Lucille:Lindsay: 'Great. Before you know it, I'll be in the red.' Lucille: 'And you can take that to the bank.' Lucille: 'I'm sure they'll contact me first.'

Lindsay · Narrator · Tobias:Lindsay: 'Actually, I am the breadwinner, Michael, as it turns out. I was walking in a strange place today — a place I'd never set foot in before.' Narrator: 'Tobias, walking down a street he'd been down many times, saw a book he'd written years earlier as a psychiatrist.'

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Michael: 'It's Dip-A-Pet all over again.' Narrator: 'Lindsay also had a brief foray into what she had then hoped would be the burgeoning fad of custom pet coloring.' — cut to Lindsay chasing a pet

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Well, that would've worked if you'd sprung for a bigger sink.'

Tobias · Lindsay · Narrator:Tobias: 'Come on, Lindsay. This is my family.' / Narrator: 'And Lindsay realized that perhaps they did have something left — a real connection.' / Tobias: 'Also, Dale, one of the gentlemen from my reading, is a nurse here, so we were able to park right out front.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Lindsay, instead of sleeping in twin beds, why don't you and your husband take the master bedroom? It's not like you've never come to me with your marital problems saying, Oh help me Michael, I think my husband might be a...' [cut]

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay doing an exercise video: 'It comes from knowing you're toned and fit.' Michael: 'I see you've found an exercise tape made for people as lazy as you are.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I do have a love life.' Michael: 'One night in the master bedroom and you got yourself a love life again?'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'As a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship... Well, did it work for those people? No. It never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.'

Lindsay · Realtor:Realtor to Lindsay: 'Well, tell him I like what I see.' Lindsay interprets this as a come-on — it was actually about the model home she's showing.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'I met someone. I got a date. I'm dating someone!' Tobias immediately: 'Well... let the great experiment begin!'

Realtor · Lindsay:The Realtor to Lindsay (thinking she's showing the model home's open house): 'I have an open thing going on, too. I'll give you the address, and you can come by.' Lindsay interprets this as a date invitation.

Lindsay · Realtor:Lindsay arrives at the model home for her 'date' — realtor: 'Hey, you found it. So, should we start in the kitchen?' Lindsay: 'I thought the bedroom.' Realtor: 'Sure. I'll meet you up there. I got to make this place smell like cookies.'

Realtor · Lindsay:Realtor: 'And you should know, I am anticipating multiples on this.' Lindsay's reaction.

Doctor · Michael · Lucille · Lindsay:Doctor: 'It... looks like he's dead.' Family gasps. Doctor: 'It just looks like he's dead. He's got, like, blue paint on him or something. But he's going to be fine.' Family turns on doctor.

Lindsay:There's a cream with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my face, and it's only $400 a tub.

Lindsay:My husband's jealous because since we decided to have an open marriage, I've been doing a little better than he has.

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it. [Cut to both claiming they already have.]

Lindsay:Lindsay tries to buy a drink for a man at the bar; he immediately leaves. Then a second man offers to buy her one; she turns him down.

Lindsay · Tom Jane:Lindsay spots a man with 'lean look, effortless hair, and dressed-down manner of a movie star' — who is later revealed to be an actual homeless man.

Bouncer · Lindsay:Uh, uh, uh, you get out! Get out, out, out! No homeless in here! / Homeless? You're homeless? / You're gross. Oh, God.

Lindsay:Well, at first I thought you were kind of hot, but I hadn't looked closely enough.

Lindsay · Tom Jane:Buy me a drink? / You're really sweet, but, no. / I'm Tom Jane.

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay, crushed and alone, for the first time misses her husband. Tobias.

Lindsay · Tobias:Is that George Michael's diamond cream? / Oh, yes, well, I ran out of blue, and I couldn't find anything else. I think my nipples are bleeding though. I don't know if you're supposed to use quite this much.

Lindsay · Tobias:That guy's a jerk. / No, I am. / No, no, I am.

Gob · Michael · Lindsay:Gob: 'No problem. I'll just call up some of my friends.' Michael and Lindsay beat: 'What?' / 'What friends?'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I'm sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead.' [long pause]

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I'm sorry. That was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely.'

Lindsay · Ice:Lindsay asks Ice if he'd be interested in 'catering an affair with me.' Ice responds: 'Well, when you get a full guest list, let me know.'

Lindsay · Maeby:My father's dead, Maeby. / Yeah, but you're not, and Ice is right there.

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby tells Lindsay that 'All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy' — Lindsay: 'You're right. I'm gonna throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay's eulogy: Maeby whispers 'Wipe, Mom. Give it a wipe.' / 'That's a home run.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias enters dramatically, claims he's 'afraid he'll have to take 'em to go' because he's 'late for the gym.' Lindsay responds by handing him the Blue Man Group understudy number.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.' Lindsay: 'Coincidentally, neither do you.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay's raspy, hoarse voice. Michael: 'What's wrong with your voice?' Lindsay: 'Nothing. I've been going out.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay had been frequenting singles clubs, also still hoping to make her open marriage work... [Lindsay: 'Whoo!'] ...which it won't.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'That's why they call it "scoring."' Lindsay: 'Maybe in the '70s.' Lindsay: 'That many?'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Instead of competing with Tobias, why don't you try spending more time with your daughter?' Lindsay: 'Why? Tobias doing that?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay (after the Steve Holt moment): 'You know what? I think I am going to spend more time with my daughter.' Michael: 'I can't promise you I won't tell the prosecutor about that.'

Lindsay · Maeby · Steve Holt:Lindsay arrives at school to spend time with Maeby, meets Steve Holt. Lindsay: 'After all, hasn't been that long since I've been in high school.' Steve: 'Is that a fire?' Students: 'We have to go to class.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay to Steve and Maeby: 'Maybe later we can all spend a little more time together, go shopping, get a drink.' / Maeby: 'I'm in school, and I'm 15.' Lindsay: 'Oh, well, I'm much, much, much older than 15.'

Steve Holt · Lindsay:Steve Holt: 'You don't look it.' [to Lindsay about her age] Lindsay: 'Oh, Steve. He thinks I'm young. You made my day again!'

Lindsay · Michael · Narrator:Lindsay claims Oscar disappeared 'because of something you said to him.' Michael: 'I can't talk right now.' Narrator: 'Really? What's wrong with your voice?' Michael: 'I can talk — sure.'

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay tells Michael she ran into Steve Holt. Michael: 'Wow. Everything about you is so womanly. You're everything a woman should be.' Lindsay: 'Thank you, Steve.'

Maeby · Lindsay:But it's only because he thinks she's got a penis. / Oh, I told him she was a tranny.

Lindsay · Maeby:On the Next — Maeby gives Lindsay a gift; Lindsay is touched. Maeby: 'I was hoping we could go to dinner tonight.' Lindsay: 'Oh, I thought you were going to go see Steve Holt at school.' Maeby: 'No, I just wanted to check him out and make sure he's good enough for my daughter.' Lindsay: 'Is it...?' Maeby: 'It's a "Sheh-ma-lee." It's gorgeous. I'm wearing it to dinner.'

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille to Lindsay about bringing her to the party: 'You see, if I show up with you, it'll just make me seem like I'm a mother.' Lindsay: 'I've never thought of you that way.' Lucille: 'That's sweet.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'If I show up with you, it'll just make me seem like I'm a mother.' Michael: 'I've never thought of you that way.' Lindsay: 'That's sweet.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'No, you have to go, so when men find out we're in an open relationship, they'll see you're no threat. People hear the name Tobias, they think-- big black guy.' Tobias: 'Well, obviously, I'm not a big guy. I'm not a Carl Weathers, par example.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I forgot about Carl. Is he still single?'

Lindsay · Ted:Lindsay tries to flirt with Ted at the party. Ted: 'This has been pleasant and professional. Good luck in the coming business year.'

Lindsay:Lindsay to employee Ted: 'Oh, if you're worried about my husband, it's fine. He's no bigger than a Cub Scout. You could take him, and you could certainly take me.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay on the Christmas party: 'It is the worst Christmas party I've ever been to in my life.' Maeby: 'Yep, like my last ten years.'

Lindsay · George Michael · Tobias:Lindsay and George Michael inadvertently singing 'Afternoon Delight' together: 'And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight...' Tobias: 'That's my wife and nephew!' / Lindsay: 'We have an open relationship!'

Tobias · Narrator · Lindsay:Teamocil: the Tobias folk band supplement flashback — 'Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.' 'Good job, buddy.' 'Thanks, friend.'

Lindsay · Michael:Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband. — You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you?

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay, wake up. I need you to play on the softball team. — [Narrator:] Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil — a sense of camaraderie. — Count me in, Michael. Happy to help the team.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay, did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding. — My foot is bleeding. — [Narrator] Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:You're gonna be able to play on our team, right? — Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? — To curb your sex drive. — That's right. What team are you talking about? — [Narrator] It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Tobias didn't want to sell his new club, but Lindsay did. Which is why she hired several members of a local stripper agency called the Hot Cops to pose as the roughnecks.'

Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay claims she 'stopped by' the protest but 'hadn't chosen a side' — then we see her shouting 'MURDERERS! YOU'RE ALL MURDERERS!' while someone else advocates for gun rules.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'And I'm gonna see if I can get a Wrench to strip my nuts.'

Lindsay:Lindsay's talking head: 'I was trying to be sexy. It just got away from me.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Moses Taylor:Lindsay's heel breaks, Tobias shoots her with a tranquilizer dart trying to 'catch the wolf,' Moses Taylor runs away — 'I'm being saved by Frank Wrench. No, you're not.'

Lindsay:Lindsay staggers onto stage still under the effect of the tranquilizer dart, slurring: 'Hundred dollars, folks? Stick a wrench in me. I'm done.'

Lindsay · Gob · Michael:Lindsay imitates a chicken at Michael for being too scared to ask Sally Sitwell on a date. Then Gob joins in. Then they're both doing chicken impressions at Michael.

Lindsay · Michael:Oh. I have to go with Tobias? / Lindsay, your husband really wants this to work. / Come on. Let me play Cupid this year. / I thought he went already.

Gob · Lindsay:Hey, I'm— [Bleeps] Lucille 2. / Oh. I could do something like that.

Lindsay · Lucille:Lindsay: 'Boy, that Dragon's cute, huh?' Lucille: 'What, the deaf giant who's holding our fake uncle?'

Lindsay:Lindsay: '...which would be a drag. [Snickers] Yeah, that's just the kind of joke Drag can't hear.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay admits she never went to Sitwell as Michael asked. Michael: 'I give you one thing to do for the business, and you can't even do it.' Lindsay: 'I mean, if you'd tried and failed, I'd understand, but you didn't even try.' 'So I didn't even fail, and I don't see you giving me credit for that.'

Lindsay · Dragon · Tobias:Lindsay: 'Dragon, would you mind carrying my husband to the car?' — Dragon immediately snaps a rib.

Lindsay:Lindsay responds to Michael's news about three lovemaking sessions: 'Oh, big deal, three times. I've had three times plenty of times.'

Michael · Lindsay:'Yes!' Michael's offscreen exclamation is followed by Lindsay asking 'Did you call my name?' / 'Absolutely not.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay says 'Oh, how delicious!' then 'Oh, hey, let's not spin in the comfy chair' then 'Look at this delicious piece of irony. I'm being sued for divorce.' — referring to Tobias being sued, not herself.

Michael · Lindsay:Michael suggests they take responsibility for their relationship failures. Lindsay: 'I think it's Mom's fault.' Michael: 'I was gonna say the exact same thing.'

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille rolls in on the spinning chair (which Lindsay had complained about) and delivers: 'So this is how my children speak of me when I'm not here.'

Lindsay:Lindsay summarizes Michael's love life: 'Are you insane? You broke up with her because somebody who doesn't want you might be pregnant with your baby?'

Gob · Lindsay:Gob's solution to the pregnancy mystery: 'Make 'em pee in a cup, and pee in a cup right in front of me.' / Lindsay: '...A pregnancy test.' Gob: 'Oh! [laughs] There's something we never had, huh, Lindsay?'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'There's something we never had, huh, Lindsay? Oh, no.' — about a pregnancy test

Lindsay · Tobias · Michael:Lindsay and Tobias agree to break into Maggie's house to collect a urine specimen. Lindsay: 'We will be like Tracy and Hepburn.' Tobias bursts in: 'What do you say, you old poop?' Michael: 'Oh, God, he's Hepburn.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay 'cloaks herself in Maggie's scent' using Maggie's perfume because 'she was blind when she bought this.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Lindsay and Tobias in Maggie's shower: 'That's the first time we were in the shower since our honeymoon. And this time, no tears.'

Lindsay:Lindsay on the phone from Maggie's house: 'Listen, you should know that that box that says 60 pounds — it's actually like two pounds. I think she's pregnant, Michael.'

Lindsay · Tobias:The Fünkes discover the fake pregnant belly/fat suit in the mystery box — a prosthetic stomach.

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay's recorded message plays on Michael's phone: 'Hey, so what's the deal on Zuckerkorn? 'Cause you know my fat case — it's really pretty thin.' / 'Lying, untrustworthy—' 'Yeah.' 'Plus, I heard he hangs out at rest stops.'

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:Narrator reveals Lindsay and Tobias broke into Maggie's house to hide in her bathroom and collect/test her urine.

Doctor · Lucille · Michael · Lindsay:Lucille: 'Not Dr. Wordsmith.' Then: Doctor says Buster 'is going to be all right' meaning he still has his right hand, not that he'll recover. 'He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be "all right."'

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:Lindsay and Tobias claim to know where their daughter Maeby is. 'She's with her debate club, and they're on their way to Sacremende for the semifinals.' Narrator: 'She wasn't. And a Google search of the word "Sacremende" only came up with this.'

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Michael asks where 'your child' is. Lindsay and Tobias: 'I don't have a child, Michael.' / 'We don't have a child, Michael.' Then both realize: 'Did you mean Maeby?'

Narrator · Tobias · Lindsay:Narrator: 'It was Loretta's urine that Tobias and Lindsay ended up testing — a fact they missed when they were making out in the shower.'

Lindsay · Michael · Lucille:Lindsay: 'I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for daddies and daughters.' / Michael: 'Of course they have father-daughter dances.' / Lindsay: 'They do? He never took me?' / Lucille: 'It was before we did your nose. Toodle-oo.'

Michael · Lindsay:'You're up awful early.' / 'Well, my marriage is falling apart. Tobias is back with Carl.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias (as George Sr.) slaps a jar out of Lindsay's hand: 'You don't need the calories.'

Lindsay · Ann:Lindsay whispering to herself: 'This isn't working.' / Then to Ann: 'Is it my imagination, or is he more commanding and mannish? It's like — I don't know. Maybe I do want to be with him.'

Ann · Lindsay:Ann advises Lindsay to go to Tobias: 'For as it is written, you shall be with whom you have formed a more perfect union with under God.' / Lindsay: '[Laughs] She's right.'

Lindsay · Tobias:'On the next Arrested Development' tag: Lindsay: 'I have never been more attracted to you.' / Tobias: 'Wow. The service sent you over fast.' / Lindsay: 'Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I'm in the wrong trailer.'

Lindsay · Lupe · Narrator:Lindsay intercepting Lupe (her mother's housekeeper) as she arrives for work and taking her to the Bluth house to clean — 'Can I take you the rest of the way? Almost done. Yours... or Mister's?'

Michael · Lindsay:You didn't even notice he'd gone, did you? / I did notice we'd stopped TiVoing the Christopher Lowell show.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias in Lindsay's lingerie: 'Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.'

Lindsay:You can pack your junk and get out.

Lindsay · Lupe · Narrator:Lupe feels sorry for Buster's loss of a hand; Lindsay feels sorry for her loss of Lupe — visual of Lindsay dramatically mourning without a housekeeper

Lindsay · George Sr.:Lindsay cleaned one room and now has a garbage problem — visual of her trying to hide garbage bags and accidentally finding George Sr. in the attic

Lindsay · George Sr. · Narrator:Lindsay finds Polly the parrot (George Sr.'s only friend in the attic) and thinks of eBay: 'I haven't seen this in ages. Ebay!' — narrator: 'Unfortunately, it was a new friend to George, Senior. Polly!'

Lupe · Lindsay:'I no does Buster anymore.' / Lindsay: 'Fine. I'll Dustbuster.'

Tobias · Lindsay · Narrator:Tobias arrives as 'Mrs. Featherbottom' — a female housekeeper from 'Blackstool' — wearing drag and a British accent

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'I'm not that perfect. I pushed George Michael into running for office and I think he's going to get crushed by this kid Steve Holt.' / Lindsay: 'Yeah, I'd vote for him.' / Michael: 'Well, too bad Dad's on the lam.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay reveals she needs a break from Mrs. Featherbottom — who IS Tobias — and wants Michael to hire him so she gets relief from her own husband in disguise

Lindsay · Michael:'No. She's the only one who can hand wash my delicates.' / 'Yeah, the real Tobias wouldn't do that.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay mentions an Eastern medicine store called 'Ancient Chinese Secret' — both characters say the name simultaneously in a recognizing tone

Lindsay · George Michael:Lindsay teaches George Michael to drive with the instruction 'Jam on it! It feels great, right?'

Lindsay · George Michael:Which means I don't have anything to wear for my premiere. The premier- of Canada.

Narrator · Lindsay:[Narrator] In fact, Lindsay was currently wearing it on her middle toe, roast beef.

Narrator · Lupe · Lindsay:[Narrator] 'Lupe never accepted a ride from Lindsay again.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael didn't notice Tobias had moved out; he only noticed they'd stopped TiVo-ing The Christopher Lowell Show

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.' / Lindsay: 'You can pack your junk and get out.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: How's Maeby taking it? / Lindsay: 'She was so excited the hot water was lasting longer. How could I have the heart to tell her it's because her father moved out?'

Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay discovered a garbage problem from cleaning one room — and found eBay while stashing trash

Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay, searching for somewhere to dump garbage, discovers eBay: 'I haven't seen this in ages.'

Lindsay · Lupe:Lupe: 'I no does Buster anymore.' / Lindsay: 'Fine. I'll DustBuster! God.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias appears at Lindsay's door in full drag as 'Mrs. Phyllidia Featherbottom' — the housekeeper from 'the agency'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael arrives and compliments the clean house — Lindsay takes credit, and Michael notes: 'I think he misses his daughter.' revealing he recognized Tobias instantly

Michael · Lindsay:'I think he misses his daughter.' — Michael noticing Tobias/Featherbottom's behavior, without recognizing it's Tobias

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'I'm not that perfect. I pushed George Michael into running for office, and I think he's gonna get crushed by this kid Steve Holt.' Lindsay: 'Yeah. I'd vote for Steve.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias and Lindsay subplot: Lindsay refuses to uproot her life for Vegas; Tobias says maybe this means they should split; Lindsay thought they already were split

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille: 'Your husband's dating Kitty the whore.' / Lindsay: 'He is? That's- That's horrible.' / Lucille: 'Do I know my daughter? She only wants what she can't have.'

Buster · Lindsay:Buster arrives: 'Where's Mother?' / Lindsay: 'You lied to me. You said my father was my father, but my uncle is my father. My father is my uncle!'

Lindsay · Buster:Lindsay: 'Guess who I just found out my father is?' Buster: 'Jail?'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I pushed him right into someone else's skanky, bony arms.' / Advice to George Michael: 'You have to grab love while you have it. Don't let it get away.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Mommy's gonna take a bath with a bottle of wine.'

Maeby · Lindsay:'I don't know if we're supposed to use-' — cut off by Maeby with news about the premiere

Lindsay:Lindsay arrives: 'Over my dead body!' — rushing to fight for Tobias

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'Tobias, I actually fought for you.' / 'I can't believe it.' / [chuckles] / 'I'm going to Vegas with Kitty.'

Lucille · Gob · Lindsay:Lucille: 'Oh, George, I've lost you again.' Oscar: 'Take back Oscar, Mother.' Lindsay: 'I think I lost him too.'

George Michael · Lindsay:George Michael: 'I'll be in the crawl space.' — his response when Lindsay says hi

Michael · Lindsay · Lucille:Michael returns to the office and sees the 'Don't Buy' news — employees celebrate — then Michael sees the ticker on Lucille's butt from the copier

Lindsay · Michael:My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty, that bleached blonde whore. / Well, he's definitely got a type.

Lindsay:Lindsay gestures to 'this and these and this' as proof Tobias shouldn't have left — one of 'these' turns out to be the car on the lot

Lindsay:Lindsay gesturing to her body: 'I can't believe he left me. I mean, this and these, and this.' Then points at a car.

Michael · Lindsay:Michael tries reverse psychology on Lindsay: 'The only reason you want Tobias is because you can't have him' — Lindsay immediately proves him right by not wanting the car once she can have it

Lindsay · George Michael:Lindsay tells George Michael to 'rub off on' Maeby — followed by a reaction beat

Lindsay · George Michael:Lindsay to George Michael: 'Hi. Why don't you pop a tent in front with your cousin Maeby?' Michael: 'What? No!'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael tells Lindsay he found Tobias — 'I'll just bring him back with me. Against his will. Well, knock him out if you have to. He's my husband.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Lindsay assumes the person on the phone is Kitty — 'What if Kitty's not there and I'm less of a Blue Man and more of a cocktail waitress?'

George Michael · Maeby · Lindsay:George Michael and Maeby discuss finishing the half-kiss 'to get it out of the way' — then Lindsay arrives: 'Kids, bring the bags. We're sharing a room.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Barry:Lindsay catches Tobias with (fake) Kitty: 'Get your hands off my husband, Kitty.' Then: 'I want a divorce.' Barry: 'And I would be thrilled to represent either one of you. That'll be $50.'

Lindsay:Instead of spending money on a divorce — maybe I should get something faster. / Not the car. I said no to the Volvo. / The Lexus. The Volvo didn't have satellite radio, which is crazy. I mean, what are we, Amish?

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay, I did get you a car. / Is it the Lexus? / It's more like a Lincoln. / Oh, come on! There's no satellite radio, but there's a banjo in the closet. And watch out for live-ins.

Michael · Lindsay:I wanted to tell you that I got myself a date with a beautiful woman named Rita, and you're the chicken, not me. / Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck...

Narrator · Michael · Lindsay:Michael was heading to work when he saw something he had never seen before lunch, his twin sister Lindsay.

Lindsay:Lindsay's plan: take the nanny job so Bob Loblaw gives her a free divorce, then marry her so she never has to work again.

Lindsay:Lindsay mentions she got her horse to canter, then says 'I've always wanted to make love on a horse.'

Lindsay:Lindsay responds to news of working without a lunge-line with 'That's so funny, because I can put my leg behind my head.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay doesn't know where Maeby's hair came from. Maeby: 'Shameless Plugs, on Placentia. They're not licensed, which means big savings.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'If I can get Hope this crown, maybe her father might just want to crown me, if you know what I mean.' Tobias: 'I'm guessing have sex, but that's meeting you more than halfway.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:George Sr.: 'I'll do anything to get out of this (bleep) apartment.' Lindsay (misheard): 'You'll do anything to get out of (bleep)-ing in this apartment.'

Lindsay · Rita:Lindsay and Rita are wearing their designer jackets inside out. 'Yeah, that way you see the label. Yeah, I mean, that's what you're paying for, right? It's a great statement on fashion.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael asks Lindsay when she realized she and Tobias had no chance at a physical relationship. Lindsay: 'Oh my God, do you think we have no chance at a physical relationship?' Michael: 'Just now.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'Ask her to stay over at a hotel with you tonight. She's going to know what that means.' Michael: 'That is not a bad idea.' Lindsay: 'Don't... don't do that.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'I'll help you put it on inside out!' — offering to help Rita with her wedding dress the wrong way.

Michael · George Sr. · Lindsay:Lindsay runs out at the reveal, wearing an inside-out bridesmaid's dress. Michael: 'You better catch her, Dad.' George Sr.: 'That's not gonna be easy. She's an Olympic Silver.'

Lindsay · Narrator:Oh, right. Uh, he spoke at my school for a 'Startled Straight' assembly. / Actually, she'd met with him in the hopes of using his prison as a location for a film.

Lindsay · Michael · Gob:Warden Gentiles likes her? / Likes her what? / No, I mean, likes her. Like, is attracted to her. / Who's the 'her' in that sentence? / Mom. Warden Gentles likes Mom. / 'Her?'

Michael · Lucille · Lindsay:Who's the 'I' in that sentence? / Me. / You? / Her.

Michael · Gob · Lindsay:Mom wants to sleep with the warden. / What? Oh, God! / Great. / Great? / The man is old enough to be her contemporary, Lindsay.

Lindsay · Michael:Well, how about when she was sleeping with Uncle Oscar? / The guy looks just like Dad. I don't know, he's family. It seemed very natural they'd be together.

Lindsay · George Michael:George Michael, what I want you to do is run upstairs and run a nice bath for Uncle Tobias, and I want you to help him get in the tub. Can you do that for me? / And don't make the water too hot—the scabs come right off.

Michael · Lindsay:Mom was just using that warden to try to get Dad out. She's not trying to seduce him at all. / Oh, no, she is. She's spending the night with him. She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag... ...table paste. Hi, George Michael.

Lindsay · Michael:How do you think I feel? You weren't even in the tapes. / Uh, no, I was talking about my marriage.

Lindsay · Bob Loblaw:Why won't you (bleep) me?! / Look, I'm not blind. You're an attractive woman, and you've been dressing like a common whore. Well, I've been trying.

Bob Loblaw · Lindsay:Well, our copy boy's very striking, but he often has toner on his fingers. / I meant another lawyer.

Lindsay · Michael:...plus fit an eyebrow pluck in there all before the weekend. / Perhaps you can talk to Maeby while you're getting your eyebrows plucked. It'll look like your eyes are watering 'cause you're sad.

Tobias · Lindsay:Only the best-looking and best educated lawyer in the whole O.C. / Don't call it that.

Lindsay · Lawyer · Bob Loblaw:I have plans with a friend. / A man? What's his name, please? / Don't answer that. I withdraw the question. / Why don't we stop for the day... so Mrs. Funke can get to her date with her mysterious Mister... Blah-Blah-Blah. At 8:30, unless you want to sit at the bar.

Lindsay · Narrator:Hot ham water.

Lindsay:You know, I'm actually a really good mom. I think it's 'cause Maeby's never around.

George Sr. · Lucille · Michael · Lindsay:Yes, he's a regular Freddy Wilson, that one. / I don't know that reference. / I don't either. / I don't know either.

George Sr. · Lindsay:All of a sudden I was the bad guy to her. / And you don't respect Mom and you don't respect women. / Are you married? / Damn school.

Buster · Lindsay:It's so watery. And yet there's a smack of ham to it. / It's hot ham water.

Michael · Lindsay:What is going on? They're getting restless. / I can't offer to [bleep] him in front of their husbands.

Michael · Lindsay:Poached salmonella? / It'll be fine, I'll just put the sauce on them. / What kind of sauce is that? / Wait, this is the water I thawed the chicken in. / Oh. Well, that should go with chicken.

Hospital Man · Lindsay:And I'm lucky, I have the resources to pay for these medical bills. / You have resources? / What good is my money if I can't bring her back? / But you can't. / And money should be spent on dating, is that what you were gonna say?

Michael · Lindsay:Let's go ahead and wait outside. / So, you come here often? Cute button.

Lindsay:So, I've got a date with the guy with the brain-dead mom. I mean, it's just a picket for them to pull the plug on our loved ones.

Lindsay:All they're doing in there is trying to keep people alive. It's a life mill.

Tobias · Lindsay:And he talked me into protesting, too. Show me your sign. / [Tobias shows 'PULL THE PLUG' on one side] / No, the other side.

Lindsay:Now, why don't we leave the fruits with the vegetables, and go get a coffee?

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:I'm trying to get on with my life, and you know what? You can't deal with it. / No, I can't, Lindsay. You're not interested in me. And you're not capable of intimacy. / Well, just fake it! / Coma. / And believe it or not, that actually got through to them.

Lindsay:You can just say intercourse.

Tobias · Lindsay:The extended sex-postponement negotiation: seven or eight days → couple of weeks → three weeks → a month → start of next month → 31-day month, even though this particular month has 30 days.

Tobias · Lindsay:Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of 'won'ts.' / Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list of 'can'ts.'

Narrator · George Michael · Tobias · Lindsay:Marital love can be so romantic. / What's that supposed to mean? / What? / Marital love. You were looking right at me, and you said 'marital love.'

Michael · Lindsay:She's a little bit more like me. / It's like we finish each other's... / Sandwiches? / Sentences. / Why would I say...? / Sandwiches? / That time I was going to say sandwiches.

Lindsay · Michael:So I guess you haven't told Nellie what you're thinking. / No, I have not. I've been waiting for the right time.

Lindsay · Michael:That's funny. I'm going out tonight for drinks, too, with an exciting new man. / Really trying to make that marriage work, aren't you?

Lindsay:Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I'm feeling a little pressure here. I mean, if you had to have sex with Tobias in four months, you'd be shopping for a way out, too.

Lindsay · Tobias · Nellie:Michael. / Oh, my God, my husband! / Oh, my God, my wife! / Are you two here for each other?

Lindsay · Tobias · Nellie:- How dare you?! - How dare you?! / - And with another woman! - And with another man! / Wait, wait. You didn't plan this together?

Lindsay · Tobias:Absolutely not! / We're a happily married couple. / Yes, who happen to be very much in love with each other.

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay, when asked how to respond to deposition questions about financial impropriety, says she'll 'unbutton my shirt a bit and give him this look.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Great, how am I supposed to have sex with my husband now?' — reacting to Gob emptying the wine bottles.

Lindsay · Lucille:Lindsay and Lucille at the spa: 'Four saunas, three steam baths, Olympic sized pool and you're telling me there's no alcohol?' Lucille: 'What the hell are we supposed to do for two days.'

Lindsay · Lucille:Lindsay: 'I could take the top off this grape juice and maybe by morning...' Lucille: 'Oh, for God's sake, Lindsay, grow up. You're 40 years old.' Lindsay: 'Thirty-five.'

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille: 'Well, maybe this will be nice. We can talk... and connect a little.' — then immediately: 'I must have a Xanax.' Lindsay: 'I'll go score some weed from the staff.'

Tobias · Maeby · Lindsay:And there you are, Maeby, coming out of your mother's third base.

Lucille · George Sr. · Lindsay:No magic, Gob. Where is Gob? Oh, who knows? I don't even know where he lives. / He doesn't live at Michael's? / I've always pictured him in a lighthouse.

Michael · Lindsay · Lucille:Stan Sitwell's always had a wild hair to buy this business. It's the only hair he's got. / He's an alpaca. / He has alopecia.

Michael · Buster · Lindsay:A 40-year-old woman has as much chance of getting married as she does of getting attacked by a shark. / Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were going to say seal. / Or a seal. / Oh, God!

Lindsay:I'm not going to sell my five percent, even though you haven't made an offer. Which would be how much, by the way?

Stan Sitwell · Lindsay:Lucille actually gave you less than her natural children. I hope that's not a crack about my hair color, lips, forehead, nose and teeth.

Lindsay · Stan Sitwell:Because at least I'm not wearing a rayon sweater set on my face. / It's alpaca actually. Cruelty-free. Really narrows your choices.

Lindsay · Stan Sitwell:Wait a minute. You're saying I'm adopted? / I'm sorry. I thought you knew. / Are you kidding me? This is the happiest I've been since the day I got my new nose.

Stan Sitwell · Lindsay:You were almost a Sitwell. But 37 years ago, the Bluths adopted you out from under us. So we said good-bye to you, our darling little three-year-old. / Wait, three-year-old? You said it was 37 years ago.

Lindsay · Narrator:!@%$, let me !@%$#%!@$%#@! Get your !@%$#%!@$%#@! Be gentle, she's almost 40!

Michael · Lindsay:Are you drunk? / A little. We need to talk. / I mean, can you imagine anything more inappropriate? / Hey, I guess you can.

Lindsay · Michael:I'm not your sister. / What? / I'm adopted. And I'm three years older.

Lindsay:I know you've always found me attractive. You've been telling me that for the last 40 years.

Lucille · Lindsay · Lucille:Sign here that you won't sell. / Oh, I don't need to sell, Lucille, because now I know that we're not related, I'm going to marry Michael. / I always saw him with a younger girl.

Lindsay · Guru:The spiritual guru holds up a Louis Vuitton knockoff bag and calls it 'real' while Lindsay debates the authenticity of her designer handbag instead of engaging with the spiritual lesson.

Lindsay · Vendor · Other Buyer:Lindsay gets outbid on the 'best bag on the mountain' by another buyer, escalating from $60 to $120, while the vendor repeats 'best bag on the mountain' with each transaction.

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay was on a spiritual journey to let go of all possessions and to find something cute to keep her stuff in.'

Narrator · Michael · Lindsay:Narrator: 'So, after getting briefly creepy with her brother... / Michael: I'm just not that into older women.'

Lucille · Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:Lucille: 'You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you?' / Lindsay: 'Adopted daughter.' / Tobias (narrator intro): 'This is Tobias Fünke, who should have taken more.'

Lindsay · Family Members:Lindsay walks to the wrong side of the courtroom — the victims' side — while her family calls her back.

Lindsay · Bystander · Narrator:Lindsay: 'My life is a fallacy.' / Bystander: 'Is that a gall see?' / Narrator: 'No, it's just a fallacy.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay says 'Yeah, we should end it.' simultaneously as Tobias says 'Let's give it another shot.' — their complete misalignment revealed in one beat.

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay was looking for inspiration before she set out on her new path. And it only took until the 'Pray' section of Eat, Pray, Love for her to find it.'

Lindsay · Spiritual Guide:Lindsay calls the Uber/taxi driver 'Stay in your lane, anus tart!' while her spiritual guide is talking about the 'oneness of humanity.'

Lindsay:Lindsay asks the spiritual guide: 'And they have normal toilets, right?'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'after an hour or so with SkyMall, where she was proud of herself for only buying two things: a self-cleaning litter box in case she ever got a cat, and an inflatable hat box in case she ever got a hat.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'she got to a great article in the in-flight magazine and found herself filling up with inner peace and acceptance. I mean, not right away. That passenger had been pushing on her seat for, like, four hours.'

Lindsay:Lindsay discovers she grabbed the wrong bag and spirals: 'How am I supposed to find out who I really am dressed like this chick?'

Shop Owner · Lindsay:Shop owner: 'Oh, no, anything under a small is considered a David Spade.'

Vendor · Lindsay · Other Buyers:The 'best coat on the mountain / best bag on the mountain' bidding war repeats at Mall Mountain.

Concierge · Lindsay:Hotel concierge offers a shaman by the pool: 'Did you want the deep wisdom or just a light ego cleanse? We do those by the pool.'

Lindsay · Concierge:Lindsay asks to have the 'smell of lamb' removed from her room, and the concierge asks which animal smell she'd prefer. Lindsay asks which he recommends.

Shaman · Lindsay:Shaman: 'You are so full of (BLEEP).' Lindsay: 'Yeah, yeah. Although, in my culture, 'full of (BLEEP)' is kind of like a dig.'

Shaman · Lindsay:Shaman: 'This bag is as fake as you are. Well, how do I learn? Just look at the spelling.'

Hotel Staff · Lindsay:Hotel staff: 'I'm sorry. Your AmEx was declined. Your account is maxed out. We had to cancel your shaman appointment.' — delivered AFTER Lindsay has already spoken to the shaman.

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille offers Lindsay money to testify favorably. Lindsay: 'Would you take a grimace?'

Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay: 'But I'm not here just for the stimmy... is Tobias.' — After much soul searching, she concludes love is where she left it — at home with Tobias.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay and Tobias stumble through their financial disclosures: 'No income flow... no incoming income flow... plenty of outgoing income. No savings, no credit.'

Tobias · Lindsay · Real Estate Agent:Tobias: 'Work ethic!' — then immediately corrected: 'Right. No work ethic.' But they do have 'a daughter.'

Real Estate Agent · Lindsay:Oh, NINJA, please! / 'No income, no jobs, no assets.'

Real Estate Agent · Lindsay · Tobias:The escalating house tour: one-bedroom becomes three-bedroom becomes five-bedroom with four-car garage, butler's kitchen, wine cellar, separate master bathrooms, and double gatehouse — all because no one will say no.

Lindsay · Tobias · Real Estate Agent:The 'that way we have it' escalation — Lindsay, Tobias, and the agent spiral into a loop of agreeing they'll 'have' progressively more rooms/features they don't need.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'Maeby, you're gonna be late for school.' Tobias: 'God, they grow up so slowly.'

Tobias · Lindsay:The Roomba is 'dead' again — 'Ran out of juice before it could reach its...' — Visual gag of the robot vacuum stranded in the unfurnished house.

Lucille · Lindsay · Narrator:Lucille's testimony includes the line 'when I was hungry, I suckled at her champagne glass breasts.' Buster wrote it from a camp letter.

Lucille · Lindsay · Narrator:Buster wrote it. / Recently? / I adapted it from a letter he wrote from camp. / I miss you, Mommy. Camp is scary at times. When I was cold, you clothed me. When I was hungry... Suckled at your champagne glass breasts.

Lindsay · Lucille:Lindsay: 'No. You know what? The money is not important to me. My shaman said...' / Lucille: 'Oh, don't give me that mystical nonsense. You think you're better than I am, but you're a lot more like me than you think.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Well, it probably shouldn't affect our area. / He's over by where the fountain is.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'But you and I are okay, right? I mean, this works, right?' / Lindsay: 'Never better.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'But how am I supposed to say something like, 'I love you, Mother,' and sound believable?' / Tobias: 'Or it's why you're out of work!'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'I have been dying to go to that Method Acting Clinic... But you won't let me!' / Lindsay: 'Because you already wasted all that money on Carl Weathers' Master Acting Class.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay sincerely tells Tobias 'I really love you, Tobias.' / Tobias: 'Oh, Lindsay, we have got to get you to that acting clinic.' — Then: 'And that was with me picturing fudge.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:The clinic turns out to be the 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.' Lindsay: 'What did you say the name of this acting class was again?' / Tobias: 'Method One Clinic.' — The sign reads 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:What did you say the name of this acting class was again? / Method One Clinic. / 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Man at methadone clinic: 'You don't look like a junkie.' / Lindsay: 'Oh, thank you!' / Man: 'You do. What do you weigh, like, 90 pounds?'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Marky Bark refuses to give his name to state organizations, explains he got kicked off voter rolls for accidentally signing up for the wrong political group — turns out he joined al-Qaeda.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias in the car: 'It's so fun to have another couple to go out with.' / Lindsay: 'He's amazing... He's a real activist, like me.' / Tobias: 'And she's a real actress, like me!'

Lindsay · Tobias · Marky Bark:Lindsay: 'Do I like Barter?' / Tobias: 'No, it means they don't deal with money.' / 'That's why I swiped that methadone tray.'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Marky: 'I thought you were one of those typical, uptight, snobby, Newport Beach, vapid... Nut-busters!'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Marky: 'one of those monsters that lives in a 10,000-square-foot house that they destroyed the wetlands for.' / Lindsay: 'Those were wetlands? That explains our Thanksgiving miracle.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Maeby:The Thanksgiving flashback/reference: a live duck wandered into the house, the family chased it into the oven — 'This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever.' / 'It's a miracle!'

Lindsay · Marky Bark:Lindsay to Marky: 'Well, I actually do live in a fairly large house right now. But we've never made a payment on it.' / Marky: 'So you're sticking it to big banking. That's cool.'

Lindsay · Marky Bark · Narrator:Lindsay: '...he turned into an ostrich at the end, so... / They're not going to have that at the Embassy Suites.' / Marky: 'That's funny. I actually run an ostrich farm.' / Narrator: 'Coincidence?' / Lindsay: 'That's not a coincidence.' / Narrator: 'Yes, it is.'

Lindsay · Marky Bark:Lindsay/Marky in the car: 'I can't believe we just did that.' / 'I can't believe how little give your teeth have.'

Lindsay · Marky Bark · Narrator:Marky/Narrator post-sex: 'Wow. That was so fast.' / 'Thanks.' / 'I didn't know how long we'd be stuck in traffic, so...' / Narrator: 'And it sounds like it's moving, so... Move it!'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:I mean, I can tell you're a woman. / Oh, stop. / But, honestly, no, all I see is, eyes and nose, hair, ears and... / But I can tell you got a great heart, Lindsay.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Because I'm really pretty. I just thought I'd tell you that so the story made sense.'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Lindsay is leaving Tobias a message on the phone. Marky throws open the bathroom door: 'You want to wrap this up? My lady needs to call her loser ex.' — then realizes Lindsay IS the person on the phone.

Lindsay · Marky Bark · Tobias:Lindsay: 'He loves me?' / Marky: 'Sorry. False alarm.' / Tobias on phone: 'I don't love you.' / Marky: 'I got to go. Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby?'

Marky's Mother · Lindsay:Ostrich farm: A female ostrich chases Lindsay. Marky's mother shouts: 'Get away from her. Don't mess with her! She's none of your business.' / 'Thank you.' / 'I said get away from her, you slut! You're scaring the bird.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'And, in an effort to be less glamorous, Lindsay cuts her hair, only to discover, much to her frustration... / Great. Even cuter.'

Tobias · Lindsay:I'm sorry. Everyone thinks I'm gay? / Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family.

Tobias · Lindsay:A new start. Filled with compassion and love. / I like that. / Well, I've already got the license plate, so go cry in your pie!

Tobias · Lindsay:Including duck l'orange! / Lindsay! Lindsay, get the scooper! / Throw oranges at it. / Hot orange! Hot orange! / It's throwing its voice! Lindsay!

Lindsay · Tobias:What did you say the name of this acting class was again? / Method One Clinic. / Okay, I'm gonna go get coffee. / Garden Grove Method One Clinic.

George Sr. · Lindsay:George Sr. trying to pocket coconut shrimp, only to find Lindsay is also there trying to pocket the same coconut shrimp: 'Excuse me, Red, you're not the only one who likes coconut shrimp'

George Sr. · Lindsay:Lindsay confronts George Sr.: 'Well, I should have known you'd be here, supporting this right-wing, dangerous crackpot.' George Sr.: 'Lindsay, I forgot — you dyed your hair.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:George Sr.: 'I haven't seen you since January.' / Lindsay: 'Oh honey, I-I've wanted to contact you every single day since last May.' / George Sr.: 'I haven't seen you since January.' / Lindsay: 'Yeah, the first four months, I was in denial.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:Lindsay reveals Lucille sent a $50,000 check to Maeby for plastic surgery. George: 'What kind of a woman does that?' / Lindsay: 'I thought there was no money left.' George: 'Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, that's awful. I mean, she's just precious the way she is.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:George Sr. asks if 'Maisie' knows about the check. Lindsay corrects him: 'And her name is Maeby.' George: 'You don't think Maisie's cuter?'

Lindsay · Michael:Scene transition: 'Lindsay surprises Michael after a long absence from his life.' / Lindsay: 'It's been a long time.' / Michael: 'Oh, this is a little embarrassing. But I have been meaning to get down there, so let's just...' / Lindsay: 'You're right, I mean, it's not like we're even technically related.' / 'Okay, well, then I'll start with a smear.'

Lindsay:I'd give $20,000 for a lemonade right now.

Ma Bark · Marky · Lindsay:And tell your girlfriend DeBrie to shovel that ostrich crap! / It's not DeBrie, Ma Bark. It's Lindsay. I just cut off my hair. / I know who you are. Now start shoveling!

Marky · Lindsay · Narrator:There's another dead iguana. / What does this mean? / Probably those bastards next door. [The bastards next door were actually a gathered group of CEOs attending a mid-summer sweat and squeeze.]

Marky · Lindsay:They just want to separate the whites from the browns. / You really are color-blind. / Face-blind.

Narrator · Lindsay:Hey, I know a place that just opened up. [beat] ...herself. Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled...

Marky · Lindsay:Ugh. Smells weird in here. What is that? / I think it's just... not urine.

Lindsay:And we're not moving in, we're occupying a space with central air.

Lindsay · Marky:You're looking at Lindsay. / Still Lindsay. / Oh. Hey, Linds.

Marky · Lindsay:How was beg? / Beg was good. I found sometres leches cake.

Lindsay:I'll change out of these filthy clothes and into some filthy lingerie. I don't think I washed it.

Marky · Lindsay:No, I meant what we're gonna do to this guy — Herbert Love. / Oh.

Marky · Lindsay:Did you take the silver glitter? / Nope. I mean, I'd say check the junk drawer, but I can't differentiate anymore.

Marky · Lindsay:Marky's elaborate podium-hiding bomb plan, culminating in 'Blue in the face, yeah. That's better than what I had, actually. I was gonna say they'd be covered in ink and glitter.'

Lindsay · Marky:Or we can support Lucille 2, who he's running against. She's right across the hall. / No, no! She's part of the problem. Wait, you haven't been going over there, by the way? No one can know we're here. / Of course not. Does it look like I'm lying?

Lindsay:I can't believe how much I've missed the feel of anything that isn't hemp.

Lucille 2 · Lindsay:Isn't that funny? I used to wear that with the Captain. / And I was... Tennille? / And not make contact, yes!

Lindsay · Lucille 2:Honestly, Lucille 2, you've been like a mother to me. / Aw. / Except kind and loving and willing to let me eat. It just blows me away.

Lindsay · Lucille 2:Oh, speaking of, do you mind if I go through your couch cushions? / Oh, honey, I wish you'd take the rest of this tres leches cake. It's from a dear Hispanic supporter. And I'll never get it into the bay in one piece.

Lindsay:Hey, can I get you a fork? 'Cause that's my brother whose face you're licking.

Lindsay · Marky:I'm really, really pretty. / I'm the straightest guy you know! / Why does every man feel like they have to say that to me?

Lindsay · Narrator:"From Gangie 4: Facelift." / What a load of... / Mother.

Lucille Bluth · Lindsay:Oh, great, looks like we've got another high-end hooker in here. / Oh, thank you, Mother.

Lindsay:I am like you nothing. / You're not even my real mother. / I am a political activist.

Lindsay · Narrator:And that's why she did this. [beat] I'm in. Let's bomb the bastard.

Maeby · Lindsay:Of course you're here. I should've known you'd be supporting this right-wing, dangerous crackpot. / No, no. I am here undercover with my boyfriend. We are gonna take down Love with a random act of senseless nonviolence.

Maeby · Lindsay · Narrator:Maeby felt a foreign feeling. / I actually respect that. / Which is why, for the first time in her adult life... / So what are you doing here? / ...Maeby was totally honest with her mother. / I'm getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business. / I tried. Tell your therapist I tried.

Herbert Love · Lindsay:Is it just me, or are we the only two people who don't fit in with all these Orange County phonies? [Lindsay has no idea this is Herbert Love]

Herbert Love · Lindsay:What's your name, princess? / Cindy Featherbottom. / Of the Laguna Beach Featherbottoms? / Are you trying to find out where I live?

Lindsay · Marky · Narrator:Lindsay lost track of the time like Cinderella... and had forgotten to release Marky from the podium, and that's when she was struck with an eerie sense of déjà vu. / [Marky bursts from podium covered in blue] Oh, God, he blued himself.

Narrator · Lindsay:In fairness to Lindsay, it was Marky's face-blindness that led him to mistake this photo for the candidate. / Why Lindsay failed to recognize musical icon Nat King Cole cannot be explained. / But he's so modern looking.

Maeby · Lindsay:Are you really going to whore yourself out like that? / I am not a whore. / Yeah, you're a whore. / I am not a whore.

Maeby · Lindsay:Yeah, well, the bags are certainly a surprise. / You're not thinking of moving in, are you? / What? No. / Yeah, because I don't think Dad would be cool with it. / No, of course not. / Yeah. / Is he in? / No.

Lindsay · Maeby:Oh, what happened there? / Kids or people who like kids.

Lindsay · Marky · Narrator:Why didn't you just come out? / I couldn't do it; someone locked me in. / In fact, it was Gob, thinking he was trapping the magician Tony Wonder into one of his illusions.

Maeby · Lindsay:Oh, of course, that's why you were giving Herbert Love a little you time last night. / You were flirting with him to get Marky out of jail. / Well, yeah, that is what I should have been do- what I did, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what I should have and did do.

Herbert Love · Lindsay:Meet, greet. / Sure are sweet. / What a treat. / What did the lamb say? / Baa? / Bleat.

Herbert Love · Lindsay:Your cheekbones are even higher than my approval rating. / Your brain can register my cheekbones? / I'll register 'em to vote.

Herbert Love · Lindsay:Can we just have one night where we don't talk about politics? / Yes, yes, just one night. / We deserve it. / Let's get a room. / Yes- no. / What? / Uh, I... okay. / We can talk in a room, I guess.

Lindsay · Michael:Tell him to take it down? / Or just not to put it up. No wall yet. / Oh, no, there's no— I knew that, yeah.

Michael · Lindsay:The girl I've been telling you about — she likes nice things, and if everything goes well tonight, I think I may want to take her out for a nice dinner. / You really like this girl? / She's Tracey. / Oh. / Fat Tracey or thin Tracey at the end?

Michael · Lindsay:You'd do this for me? / I will if you... / Yeah, sure, fine. / Yeah? / Yeah, I'll talk to him about the wall. / Good. / I mean, I want to change politics. / Great. / What's in it for me?

Lindsay · Herbert Love:Wait... I can't do this unless you promise to be against the wall. / What the hell? / It's better for my back anyway.

Lindsay · Herbert Love:That was so not quick. / Well, I paid for six hours. I want to get my money's worth. / Imagine what would have happened if you had the room for the whole night. / Oh, I got it for the whole month. / You crack me up.

Herbert Love · Lindsay:When love is near, your heart will be happy. / This way you'll always have a little Love near your heart. / [gives Lindsay a heart necklace] Aah, Jesus Christ! / Oh! / I'm sorry. / Why would you do that? / No, I thought it was cute, I saw it in a movie.

Lindsay · Narrator:Uh, Bluth. I made a reservation. / ...Lindsay had to pay for dinner the way she always had... by secretly putting it on her family tab.

Lucille Bluth (on phone) · Lindsay · Michael:Who's the cheap redhead? / Well, hello. / Hello. / Indeed.

Lindsay · Michael · Narrator:Great to see you. And you look so good. / So do you. I do hate the campaign, okay, but I'm changing him. I'm his key advisor. / Although without an office, she was forced to advise him in the back of his limo. And soon she was advising him all over town. And he respects me for it.

Lindsay · Michael:Oh! My name is Cindy Featherbottom. / Right. Oh, and I used to be a real estate tycoon, now I'm an impressive producer. Got it? / Got it.

Lindsay · Rebel Alley:Hi-lo. / Hi-lo? / Just like your plan to hurt the poor.

Michael · Lindsay:Uh, she is... um... [long pause] / High school. / Brother and sister. / We can't be brother-sister — she knows about the family. / We don't. / Just met. / Yeah, so, but let's eat.

Lindsay:Is everybody's food as delicious as my side salad?

Rebel Alley · Lindsay:It's just a little hard to sit two feet away from someone who doesn't believe in paying for a woman's contraception. / Well, to be fair, no, he does pay for the room.

Rebel Alley · Herbert Love · Michael · Lindsay:Aren't you glad your teenager's not here to see this? / You have a teenager? / I'm a movie prod... / Movie producer. / Producing a movie right now — Rebel's in it for Imagine Entertainment. / Oh! Is that Ron Howard's company?

Michael · Lindsay:I am not going to sit here and defend Ron Howard to someone who's never achieved half of what he's achieved. / Are you saying that to him or to me?

Rebel Alley · Lindsay:I can't believe that a woman would support this guy. / ...Lindsay found herself torn between who she was with and who she wanted to be. / And I assume by being with him, you just parrot his values. / I don't appreciate you saying that, okay? I have my own values, Rebel, and believe it or not, they're closer to yours than you think. / 'Cause I do appreciate you saying that. But what do I know? I'm just some shallow Hollywood...

Herbert Love · Lindsay · Michael:Now that is one redhead I do not want to have sexual relations with. / Well... / So... are we having dessert? / No. / No. Uh-uh. / Well, I don't want to be the one to say it, but if we are not going to have dessert, then I think I am going to leave. / Oh, no. / But we're going to discuss those new positions tonight. Wasn't that the plan? / I think the best position for me to be in tonight is with my wife, and tomorrow I'm taking my wife and children to see the beautiful American ocean.

Marky · Lindsay:I did it. I beat the system. I got out my way. / I thought my brother asked Warden Gentles to get you out. / No, I mean from the Dumpster. You wouldn't believe the scallops they're throwing away here, but I got out of that Dumpster my way.

Marky · Lindsay:On the Cinco de Cuatro, Love's boat is going to... / Sink-o. / ...go into the... Yes, sink-o.

Herbert Love · Lindsay:I cannot be under the covers with you anymore. It's over between us. My wife found out and I told her there was nothing emotional, that you were just a prostitute. / I'm not a prostitute. / Oh, I know, I know. The point is, we are through. Here's a little severance package for servicing my package.

Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay tried to throw the money in his face, but she didn't have the muscle memory for it. / [She keeps it] / She's keeping it. / Oh, good.

Lindsay:I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay.

Lindsay:I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay.

Lucille Bluth · Lindsay:Mom. What are you doing here? / Lindsay. I thought you were a hooker. / Again. / It's a wig. / No one recognizes me in it. / Oh, I recognized you. / Let me rephrase that more kindly. / I hear you're hooking now with Herbert Love. / It's called hooking up.

Lucille Bluth · Lindsay:You are who you are — a blonde, waspy Orange County princess who doesn't care about anything but herself and that's okay. / Ah, sarcasm. / No, I'm a Bluth and so are you.

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay was done pretending to be red. / I don't need this anymore. / And she decided the best way to get back at her mother and Herbert Love was by working for their mutual rival.

Lucille 2 · Sally Sitwell · Lindsay:But I found someone more qualified than you. / Hello, Lindsay. / Sally. / It was Sally Sitwell, a woman who'd long been Lindsay's rival. / How is she more qualified than me? / She has integrity. / And look at this hair. / Look at this beautiful, long hair. / I made you a banner.

Sally Sitwell · Lindsay:Oh, she just means these photos of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with. / Who took these? / The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertsons parking lot. And the third was left in the photo booth at the Ealing Club. / God, that was a photo booth?

Sally Sitwell · Lindsay:Herbert Love with his hooker? / She'll win for sure. / I can't let her do that. / I don't think you can stop her.

Lindsay:Herbert Love with his hooker? She'll win for sure.

David (Love Campaign Staff) · Lindsay:And I'm so sorry about that giant crack earlier. / Okay, raise the mics, everybody! New speaker!

David · Lindsay:Complete con-con... Complete con-con-con... con-con... Complete... / ...trol? / Giant... trol.

Lindsay:I am Herbert Love's 'key advisor.' [air quotes]

Lindsay · Herbert Love's Staffer · Narrator:Love wants to put up a wall. No, no. I mean, not just any wall. A wall to keep out the Mexicans. / Oh, wow, what a great crowd, uh... / And that's when the blowback began. / Checkmate!

Lindsay · Crowd:That's my necklace. / They don't belong here, we belong here. / I mean, someone should put up a wall. / But that's when Lindsay found herself saying this... / Yeah. / We should put up a wall. / Put up this wall. / Put... up... this wall. / ALL: Put up this wall!

Lindsay · Narrator · Campaign Staffer:My name is Lindsay Bluth, and this is who I am. / A Bluth, just like her mother. / She's a game changer.

Campaign Staffer · Herbert Love (in coma) · Lindsay:So I have one question for you. / Would you consider... / Yes. / Would you consider... / Yes. / Would you consider... / Yes. / Would you consider running in his place? / Yes. / Fantastic. Sweetheart, could you work his thumb?

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay and Tobias are heard singing '♪ No, it's just a phallus... eee! ♪' offscreen while Maeby lies ignored on the floor.

Shaman · Lindsay:The shaman advising Lindsay: 'You have no children?' 'No. Why do you ask?' 'Well, yes, a daughter. She's away at boarding school in England.'

Lindsay:'Please don't squeeze the shaman.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias leaving a voicemail for Maeby: 'Maeby, honey, Daddy has insisted on raising you alone.' Then Lindsay's message: '...Lindsay, I have met someone. It's not important who it is. Erase this message, and I'll leave her a mess...'

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby to Lindsay: 'Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that?' Lindsay: 'I am not a whore.' Maeby: 'Yeah, you're a whore.'

Campaign Manager · Lindsay · Maeby:Campaign manager to Lindsay: 'Ma'am, is she yours?' Lindsay: 'Unfortunately.' Campaign manager: 'Herbert Love would like to see her.' Lindsay: 'You can arrange that?' Campaign manager: 'Obviously, discretion is appreciated.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'But this was a woman who once wore this to a men's prison, so she felt she'd be okay.'

Lindsay:Lindsay gives Maeby money from Herbert Love and mentions facial reconstruction: 'And if you choose to do facial reconstruction... I mean, the nose, right?'

Lindsay · Narrator · Bar Worker:Lindsay had also made it to Mexico, and was enjoying the fact that men were more respectful. Puta Night is Thursday. That's so nice. No, I'm not. That was based on her belief that 'puta' meant 'young.'

Bar Worker · Lindsay:No. Puta. I try to stay out of the sun.

Lindsay · Herbert Love:Oh, my God. Lindsay. What are you doing here? Guess I just had to get away. I was just ordering lunch. Can I buy you lunch? Oh, yeah. I'm so hungry, I could eat.

Lindsay:As a matter of fact, I am. I want to be part of the problem.

Lindsay · Spanish-speaking character:It's probably just because I'm younger. A puta.

Narrator · Lindsay · Lucille:Narrator: 'And perhaps Lindsay would have gotten a little healthier... had the cell reception been a little worse.' — Lindsay immediately gets a call from Lucille.

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:I'm running for Congress, and I don't have a campaign manager and I need you. / Maeby had never heard her mother this vulnerable. Yeah. Sounds great. I'm in.

Lindsay · Other Character:Oh, my gosh. I didn't even recognize you. It's a teenager thing. I could never pull that off. They want to look old, we want to look... You don't look very young.

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:She had her mother mock a reporter who had a speech problem... This so-called reporter from the Wee Guardian says I was right.

Narrator · Lucille · G.O.B. · Lindsay · George Sr.:The Bluths are 'graciously receiving the Family of the Year award they were generously giving themselves at the banana stand.'

Lucille · Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay arrives 'in what was her second outfit of the day.' Lucille: 'You're running to fill a House seat, not a sofa.'

Lindsay · Lucille:'I'm starting to worry you're not even capable of saying something nice about me in your speech.' 'Lindsay, saying nice things about you is easy. The hard part is not sounding sarcastic.'

Lindsay · Lucille:Lindsay wraps herself in a sheet in protest. 'You don't like anything under this. Why should I take it off?' 'You don't have a speech for me.'

Lucille · Lindsay · Narrator:Lucille's speech: 'I want to make special mention of my only daughter, who thinks I didn't write a speech.' / Lindsay: 'She stole my speech.'

Lucille · Lindsay · Maeby:'She's got a daughter who has many faces, and all of them are beautiful.' / Lindsay: 'She stole my speech.' / Lucille: 'Maybe you can show the world the smile I love so much.' / Maeby: 'That doesn't make sense without meth teeth!'

Maeby · Lindsay:'What a waste of a dream.' / 'It's nothing. I can see that now.' — Lindsay and Maeby after the speech genuinely moves Lindsay.

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:Lindsay: 'I think I'm gonna go now. Find out who my real family is. Find my real mother.' Narrator: '...Lindsay stole a line from Michael.' / Maeby: 'I'm out of here.'

Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay decides to 'find her real family' and 'find her real mother' — stealing Michael's exit line

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille to Lindsay: 'Oh! Look who thinks they can wear white.'

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille can't hear what anyone is saying 'over the sound' of Lindsay's singing, comparing it to a cat

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille reassures Lindsay: 'Maybe it'll be better if you don't win this one. And you wouldn't be losing much, just a cruise with your grandmother.'

Lindsay:Lindsay returns for the talent competition and says 'And you never will. I want to save you the trouble of having to close your eyes while plugging your ears. So how's this for my talent?' — then tap-dances as a ghost