Lindsay Bluth Fünke

Lindsay:Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.

Lindsay:I like it better on him.

Lindsay:Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse. I like it better on him.

Lindsay:I'm not gonna lie to you, Michael. This is great news for HOOP.

Lindsay · Michael:J.D.L.? Jewish Defense League. Oh, the circumcision thing?

Lindsay · Gob:The only thing I found in the freezer was a dead dove in a bag. You didn't eat that, did you? 'Cause I've only got a couple days left to return it.

Michael · Lindsay:You spent $68 on hair conditioner? A small price to pay for self-esteem, Michael. Or are you still jealous that you lost Best Hair to me in high school and got Dorkiest?

Lindsay · Tobias:But you've never actually had an audition. Well... excuse me!

Lindsay · Lucille:That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say, 'You might wanna lean away from that fire... since you're soaked in alcohol.' Mine was better.

Lindsay:Or, you could not eat the cornballs and let your kid lead his own life.

Michael · Lindsay:With what? Company credit card. You're returning that. Get a job.

Lindsay:What is it with this family and working?

Lindsay:They beat her up, and, uh, took all her clothes.

Lindsay:Buster was right. You get off on being withholding, don't you?

Lucille · Lindsay:Send her over. I'll take her shopping. Buster was right. You get off on being withholding, don't you?

Lindsay:Great. So now we don't have a car or a jet? Why don't we just take an ad out in I'm Poor magazine?

Lindsay · Michael:Perhaps you remember Neuterfest? / I'll never forget your wedding.

Michael · Lindsay:You're wearing ostrich skin boots. / I don't care about ostriches.

Lindsay:Watch out for bridges and hop-ons. You're gonna get some hop-ons.

Lindsay:At a weekend stage fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.

Lindsay:I think you're gross.

Maeby · Lindsay:Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

Lindsay:And these, Tobias. When was the last time you looked at these?

Lindsay:Now there are two men I wanna leave.

Lindsay:I've decided that... I want to become an actor too.

Maeby · Lindsay:Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

Tobias · Lindsay:If I'm no Schwimmer, you're no Jennifer Aniston! Maybe I'm not even Lisa Kudrow.

Lindsay:Now there are two men I wanna leave.

Lindsay:Michael, do you have any idea what would happen if I were to visit prison? - Hmm. - It would be pandemonium.

Michael · Lindsay:Come on. That would never happen. - She can't drive herself. - I mean, she's the world's worst driver.

Lindsay:She was having trouble even lifting up this bag of groceries.

Lindsay · George Sr.:Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the... - High-fastening pants. - Have you said that? No. I'm saying that now.

Lindsay:It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?

Lindsay:That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.

Lindsay:Michael, do you have any idea what would happen if I were to visit prison? It would be pandemonium.

Lindsay:It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?

Lindsay:That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.

Lindsay:Guess what? They weren't protein bars. They were gold Krugerrands. And Dad finally paid attention to my intellect.

Lindsay:The loser. The fool.

Lindsay · Maeby:Moo? Mmm. Moo, honey.

Lindsay:Because I'm... Don't want to.

Maeby · Lindsay:This is a D-minus. Either way, it's above a 'D,' right?

Lindsay:I know you got a 'crocodile' in spelling, but this has gone too far.

Lindsay:Hmm. Nope, that doesn't feel right.

Lindsay:I punish thee.

Lindsay:Oh, I have to come up with another thing?

Lindsay:That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair.

Lindsay:I'd like my old life back.

Gob · Lindsay · Lucille:I have a job. / Kiss ass. / Well, we were all thinking it.

Lindsay:Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?

Lindsay:You know that he's only had sex with, like, four women, right?

Lindsay · Lindsay:Wow! This Cloudmir's making me think fuzzy. I have almost no judgment at all. / 'Only one with a real job.'

Lindsay · Lucille:Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine's Day party.

Lindsay:I deceived you, Mom. Tricked makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

Lindsay:That can't feel good.

Lindsay:Well, if you call not filing for divorce 'something right.'

Lindsay:Good grief. He sent us one of his idiot videotapes.

Lindsay · Lucille:This was supposed to be my anniversary toast. Yeah. And this was supposed to be my Valentine's Day party.

Lindsay:The man's psychologically incapable of taking all of his clothes off.

Lindsay:I was gonna take her with me in the night. She's part of the bolt.

Lindsay:I'm gonna sleep with my daughter, and you're gonna sleep with my husband.

Lindsay:Can I let you in on a little secret? Hmm? Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.

Lindsay:No! We may have to bolt.

Lindsay:I understand you not wanting to do it on film... but you can't even get undressed in front of me.

Lindsay:Look, how 'bout we do this together? You take off your shirt, and I'll take off my jacket.

George Michael · Lindsay:You're my aunt. - That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role.

Lindsay · Michael:Did you meet Ms. Baerly yet, the ethics teacher? 'Cause I just did. No, not yet. Look, these are our cabinets.

Lindsay:Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit.

Lindsay · Steve Holt:So you're not letting him in because he doesn't share your perfectly shaped nose... your round eye-shaped eyes, your strong square jaw. - Thanks. You wanna dance?

Tobias · Lindsay:Lindsay, say something to scare me. ...me. Nope. Nothing. Thanks for trying though.

Lindsay:Does that mean I have to go to your office to get mine, too, or how's that work?

Lindsay:Well, I usually ask Kitty, uh, but she's not around... and you're the only one here I've ever seen before.

Lindsay · Employee:You quit college. Yeah, well, I had a job. What was the point?

Lindsay · Employee:Michael, it's Friday. Everybody coasts on Friday. It's actually Saturday.

Employee · Lindsay:Uh, Lindsay. Hello. The phones. Well, you said 'staff.'

Lindsay:What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

Employee · Lindsay:What happened to the lights? Isn't this better? Doesn't this just wanna make you curl up and forget about the world?

Lindsay:Hey, who's ready to have some fun?

Lindsay:Wow. Who won?

Professor · Lindsay:I'm a professor of American Studies... at the University of Mexico City. I took a dance class there.

Lindsay:Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline... but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.

Lindsay · Michael:55/55. Deal.

Lindsay · Maeby:Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album! We're not in the photo album! Drop the pie!

Lindsay · Annyong · Michael:You've got a little pocket there, Annyong. Annyong. That's not getting old.

Lucille · Michael · Gob · Lindsay:Nana was on that yacht! What? You killed Nana! She's lying! She's been dead for six months. For about six months.

Lindsay:For 15 minutes. Then it burns when you pee, and your marriage goes to hell.

Michael · Lindsay:Some call me the human metronome. You notice how I'm always on time? I'm never late for things. Yeah, but I think punctuality is slightly different from rhythm. No, it's not. It's the exact same thing. It's knowing how long things take.

Lindsay:Already down! Get your finger out of my throat! It's down!

Lindsay:We should be dressing like it's the '80s.

Lindsay:I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Michael · Lindsay:Wow. Exciting, huh? - Finally getting some money. - What do you want, Lindsay?

Michael · Lindsay:Mother's neck. - No, that was a good investment. It is easier to look at now, isn't it?

Lindsay:I want to have an affair. Now, I'm not sure with who yet, but I'll need lingerie, waxings... These are some real costs, Michael.

Lindsay · Tobias:I just feel like using my body. - Well, Lindsay, could you use it over there? I'm trying to grow.

Lindsay:We had sex once in the last year, and he just laid there.

Lindsay:Well, if I'm gonna have an affair...

Lindsay · Stylist:Come on! These salon wars have got to stop! - The war, Lindsay. The real war.

Lindsay · Maeby:I'm protesting the war. There's a war going on, you know? - Yeah, I'm the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.

Lindsay:Actually, I used this one for Michael when he was too cheap to pay for the premium channels. But I added the bit about the stylists.

Lindsay · Officer:This is where we're protesting? This isn't right. Where are the cameras? - They're in the free press zone

Lindsay:All your water's doing is whetting my appetite for protest. No hair for oil! No hair for oil!

Lindsay:I want to be... a cage dancer.

Lindsay:WELL, EXCUSE ME, MICHAEL, FOR NOT RAISING THE PERFECT DAUGHTER THAT YOU DID.

Lindsay:SHE'S RIGHT THOUGH. YOU PROBABLY ARE A HOMOSEXUAL.

Lindsay:WELL, THEY EXPECT A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF THEFT, MICHAEL. IT'S BUILT INTO THE PRICE. IF I DIDN'T TAKE IT, THEN PEOPLE WOULD BE OVERPAYING FOR NOTHING.

Lindsay:YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOUR TAPE.

Lindsay:I DON'T KNOW... MY ASS.

Lindsay:MICHAEL, IT WAS SHOPLIFTING, AND I'M WHITE. I THINK I'M GOING TO BE OKAY.

Lindsay · Gob:I WASN'T SHOPLIFTING, YOU TWIT. YES, THANKS TO ME. NO. I WORK HERE. AT LEAST I USED TO.

Lindsay:Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can't be surprised when an ugly adult comes out.

Lindsay:Great. Before you know it, I'll be in the red. And you can take that to the bank.

Lindsay:Well, that would've worked if you'd sprung for a bigger sink.

Lindsay:Some girl. I mean, she barely has a face. You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one.

Lindsay:Does that look a little like our kitchen island?

Lindsay:Why would a doctor say he's 'gone' when he means he's escaped? God, I've missed bread. Mmm. Wouldn't you say, 'He left out the window' or, 'The room's empty.'

Lindsay:It comes from knowing you're toned and fit.

Tobias · Lindsay:Nice to be back in a queen. It's too much pressure. I can't do this.

Lindsay:Well, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think that was a possibility.

Doctor · Lindsay:It looks like he's dead. Oh, my God! Oh, little guy. The tears aren't coming. The tears just aren't coming.

Lindsay:This ( bleep ), Doctor. Hey, we want this comped!

Lindsay:That's like, what, like a million diamonds for $400? A million- diamonds.

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it. - I already have. - I have too.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay at bar failing to get anyone's attention while Tobias watches

Lindsay:Uh, uh, uh, you get out. Get out. Get out. Out, out, out! No homeless in here! - Homeless? You're homeless? You're gross. Oh, God.

Lindsay · Lucille:I wonder if he even has an apartment or- Perfect. He's not a real man.

Lindsay:Well, at first, I thought you were kind of hot, but I hadn't looked closely enough.

Lindsay:First of all, we are doing this for her. Okay? Because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And 'second-of-ly,' I know you're the big marriage expert-

Lindsay:Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead.

Lindsay:I'm sorry. That was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely.

Gob · Lindsay · Gob:He's my friend. You don't have any friends. I have lots of friends, Lindsay.

Lindsay · Tobias:I was just hoping to have sex with you. Why am I not blacking out?

Lindsay:I'm gonna throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.

Lindsay:Coincidentally, neither do you.

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay, it's not a competition. Of course it is, Michael. That's why they call it 'scoring.'

Michael · Lindsay:Maybe in the '70s. That many? We've only been doing this for a month.

Lindsay:I can't promise you I won't tell the prosecutor about that.

Lindsay:Oh, well, I'm much, much, much older than 15.

Lindsay:You made my day again!

George Michael · Lindsay:I've never thought of you that way. / That's sweet.

Lindsay:Oh, if you're worried about my husband, it's fine. He's no bigger than a Cub Scout. You could take him, and you could certainly take me.

Lindsay:It is the worst Christmas party I've ever been to in my life. Now, watch this.

Lindsay · Tobias:And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight... / That's my wife and nephew!

Michael · Lindsay:The only help we need is from each other. And apparently whatever's in that bottle. Thanks for reminding me. My Teamocil.

Narrator · Tobias · Lindsay:[Narrator] In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk band to promote a supplement that promised better unity and teamwork. [Together] Teamocil - Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.

Lindsay · Michael:Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband. You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you?

Narrator · Lindsay:[Narrator] Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil- a sense of camaraderie. Count me in, Michael. Happy to help the team.

Narrator · Lindsay · Michael:[Narrator] Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? To curb your sex drive. That's right. What team are you talking about?

Lindsay:Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? To curb your sex drive. That's right. What team are you talking about?

Lindsay:I STOPPED BY. I HADN'T CHOSEN A SIDE.

Lindsay:YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO FIRE YOUR GUN IN THE AIR... IS THAT FRANK WRENCH?

Lindsay:AND I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN GET A WRENCH TO STRIP MY NUTS.

Lindsay:I WAS TRYING TO BE SEXY. IT JUST GOT AWAY FROM ME.

Lindsay:I PUT UP ONE TO GET IT. AS LONG AS IT GETS FRANK WRENCH TO BID ON ME.

Lindsay:I'M BEING SAVED BY FRANK WRENCH.

Lindsay:STICK A WRENCH IN ME. I'M DONE.

Lindsay · Michael:Chaw-chee-chaw, chee-chaw. What is that? Is that a chicken?

Lindsay:She thinks you're a loser. 'Cause she knows you're a loser.

Gob · Lindsay:Hey, I'm— [bleep] Lucille 2. Oh. I could do something like that.

Lindsay · Michael:which would be a drag. Yeah, that's just the kind of joke Drag can't hear.

Lindsay:So, I didn't even fail, and I don't see you giving me credit for that.

Lindsay:It was pretty obvious when Dragon kept swooping UncleJack in for a kiss.

Lindsay · Tobias:Oh, big deal, three times. I've had three times plenty of times. Yes! Did you call my name? Absolutely not.

Lindsay · Tobias:We will be like Tracy and Hepburn. - Yeah! - 'What do you say, you old poop?' - Oh, God, he's Hepburn.

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:to collect and test her urine. - It was there that they stumbled upon a fat suit. - That's what it is.

Lucille · Lindsay:You son of a bitch! I hate this doctor! - He's a very literal man.

Lindsay:Oh, Mom. After all these years, God's not gonna take a call from you.

Lindsay:Well, first of all, I'm sure there are writers on The Simpsons who aren't geeks.

Lindsay · Tobias:Is he trying to get out of having this baby? - We want this child. It's given us a reason to stay together.

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Where's your child? - I don't have a child, Michael. - We don't have a child, Michael. - That's why we want-

Lindsay · Lucille:Of course they have father-daughter dances. - They do? He never took me? It was before we did your nose.

Michael · Lindsay:If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.

Narrator · Lindsay:She hadn't even done it that time, but instead, intercepted her mother's housekeeper

Tobias · Lindsay:You're going to stretch them out. That's all you can say? Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.

Lindsay:You can pack your junk and get out.

Lindsay:Yoo-hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!

Lindsay · Michael:I need you to hire him. [phone cuts to dial tone] Hi. I'm sor- Look, it isn't my idea, it's his.

Lindsay · Michael:No. She's the only one who can hand wash my delicates. Yeah, the real Tobias wouldn't do that.

Lindsay · Gob:Ancient Chinese Secret, huh? [Both] Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?

Lindsay · George Michael:Now, put your foot on the brake. There's a light in a half mile. [Brakes Grinding]

Lindsay:He was doing really well. Had his first hop-on.

Lindsay:The premier- of Canada. He's going out with my gym teacher.

Lindsay:If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.

Narrator · Lindsay:She hadn't even done it that time but instead intercepted her mother's housekeeper as she was arriving for work.

Lupe · Lindsay:Almost done. Yours or mister's?

Lindsay:I did notice we'd stopped TiVoing The Christopher Lowell Show.

Lindsay:You can pack your junk and get out.

Lindsay:Well, she was so excited the hot water in the shower was lasting longer. How could I have the heart to tell her it's because her father moved out?

Lindsay:I haven't seen this in ages. EBay.

Lindsay:I'll DustBuster! God.

Lindsay:You could finally use some of his dirty tricks to get George Michael elected.

Lindsay:Well, maybe the fact that we don't know if we're together or not is a sign that we should split again. Or stay split up.

Lucille · Lindsay:Your husband's dating Kitty the whore. He is? That's- That's horrible. Do I know my daughter? She only wants what she can't have.

Lindsay:Mommy's gonna take a bath with a bottle of wine.

Lindsay:We're super rich again. And I'm gonna buy a car, the Volvo.

Michael · Lindsay:All right, maybe you're right. Maybe we should get you this car. Yeah, I don't know. It's so boxy.

Lindsay:I want a divorce.

Lindsay:I mean, what are we, Amish?

Lindsay:Yeah. I've heard your side of it.

Michael · Lindsay:It's more like a Lincoln. Oh, come on!

Lindsay:Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.

Lindsay · Bob Loblaw:You want me to be explicit? / Yes, but I will be needing to get off in four minutes.

Lindsay:Well, let's see if I can't hit that target for you.

Lindsay:Well, in our defense, Mom, we're not exactly dog people.

Lindsay · Gob:Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie. Those are illegal. / Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.

Lindsay · Bob Loblaw · Lindsay · Narrator:I'm willing to debase myself. / Get a maid's uniform and come by my house around 7:00. / There is no way to misinterpret that. / Except the one.

Lindsay:I only took this nanny job so he'd give me a free divorce, and then marry me, so I'd never have to work again.

Lindsay:That's so funny, because I can put my leg behind my head.

Lindsay:Of course. Who wouldn't want to snog the nanny?

Lindsay:Oh, my God! Did I miss a call?

Lindsay:I don't know where that hair of yours came from. Shameless Plugs, on Placentia. Looks pretty good, huh? And they're not licensed, which means big savings.

Michael · Lindsay · Rita:You guys have these jackets on inside out? / Yeah, that way you see the label. / Yeah, I mean, that's what you're paying for, right? It's a great statement on fashion. / Plus, it doesn't tickle your neck.

Lucille · Lindsay:Somebody saw Seinfeld last night. / Ovarian cancer. Gee, I wonder who that was.

Lindsay:Oh, right. Uh, he spoke at my school for a 'Startled Straight' assembly.

Lindsay · Warden:I think you will find the dessert both engrossing and high grossing. / So, we don't get dessert?

Michael · Lindsay · Michael:Who's the 'her' in that sentence? / Mom. Warden Gentles likes Mom. / 'Her?'

Michael · Lindsay:Plus, she's married, okay? She can't be writhing around underneath... What is wrong with you?! It's disgusting! God!

Lindsay:Don't make the water too hot—the scabs come right off.

Lindsay:She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag... ...table paste. Hi, George Michael.

Lindsay:You and half of Orange County.

Michael · Lindsay:Very secret. He doesn't even know, does he? He has not known of it. That's correct.

Lindsay:Why won't you (bleep) me?!

Bob Loblaw · Lindsay:Well, our copy boy's very striking, but he often has toner on his fingers. I meant another lawyer.

Lindsay:Blah-Blah-Blah. At 8:30, unless you want to sit at the bar.

George Sr. · Michael · Lindsay:Then get Bob Loblaw to hire to hire me another surrogate. That's kind of the point. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us, because someone wanted a boyfriend.

Lindsay · Gob · Lucille · Tobias:The boy who couldn't cry. He's a robot! Michael can cry. He doesn't want to rust. Yes, he's like the steel man from The Wizard From Oz. Tin man? Is that what he's called? He knows.

Lindsay · Lucille:You know, Mom, I think the only time you ever cooked for us, was the morning Rosa's mom died. You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

Lindsay · Michael:I found that canned ham that we'd had forever, and I put it in a pot of boiling water, and guess what I'm calling it? Soup? Hot ham water.

Tobias · Michael · Lindsay · George Michael:Yes, he's a regular Freddy Wilson, that one. I don't know that reference. I don't either. I don't know either. It's this guy.

George Sr. · Lindsay:Remember what happened when we sent Lindsay to that kind of school? All of a sudden I was the bad guy to her. And you don't respect Mom and you don't respect women. Are you married? Damn school.

Buster · Lindsay:It's so watery. And yet there's a smack of ham to it. It's hot ham water.

Michael · Lindsay:Poached salmonella? It'll be fine. I'll just put the sauce on them. What kind of sauce is that? Wait, this is the water I thawed the chicken in. Oh. Well, that should go with chicken.

Brian · Lindsay · Brian:Hope you don't mind me saying, but these things can go on indefinitely. My mother's been in that bed for two years. / How awful. / We don't have a private room.

Lindsay:I love soup. If the only thing I could do was lay in bed all day and eat soup, I'd be happy. I wouldn't even have to taste it. I could just take it through a tube. That would actually be better, 'cause I wouldn't even burn my mouth.

Lindsay:Never let me die.

Father Ben · Father Ben · Lindsay:Show me your sign. / No, the other side. / Tobias, Brian and I believe in the dignity of every human being. Now, why don't we leave the fruits with the vegetables, and go get a coffee?

Lindsay · Brian:I'm trying to get on with my life. / Yeah, so is what remains of Buster.

Lindsay · Buster:Well, just fake it! / Coma.

Lindsay · Tobias:Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of 'won'ts.' / Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list of 'can'ts.'

Michael · Lindsay:Nellie has blown them all away. / Yeah, well, I think it's crazy. / You forgot to say 'away' again.

Michael · Lindsay:It's like we finish each other's... / Sandwiches? / Sentences. / Why would I say...? / Sandwiches? / That time I was going to say sandwiches.

Lindsay:Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I'm feeling a little pressure here.

Lindsay:Unbutton my shirt a bit and give him this look.

Lindsay:I think that's another one of Mom's little fibs. You know, like 'I'll sacrifice anything for my children.'

Lindsay:Would it kill her to let some vodka go bad?

Lindsay · Tobias:That is her suit. They probably don't make it in a woman's though. They only make it in a woman's.

Tobias · Lindsay:You see, sometimes shame can be fun. Shame? Secrets. You said 'shame.'

Gob · Lindsay:It's 'water into wine.' Then I emptied out all your wine bottles and filled them with fake stuff for nothing.

Lindsay:Great, how am I supposed to have sex with my husband now?

Lindsay:I've always pictured him in a lighthouse.

Lindsay:We can do that?

Lucille · Lindsay · Michael:It's the only hair he's got. What? - He's an alpaca. - He has alopecia.

Lindsay · Michael:Two million! Two million! That sounds like a lot more than it actually is.

Lindsay:You know, being twins, our birthdays are pretty close to one another.

Gob · Lindsay:as she does of getting attacked by a shark. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were going to say seal.

Lindsay:I hope that's not a crack about my hair color, lips, forehead, nose and teeth.

Lindsay:Are you kidding me? This is the happiest I've been since the day I got my new nose.

Lindsay · Sitwell:Uh, wait, three-year-old? You said it was 37 years ago. Oh, yeah, right. Hey, we should do something for your 40th next week.

Lindsay · Michael:I'm not your sister. - What? Hey, Lindsay. - I'm adopted. And I'm three years older.

Tobias · Lucille · Lindsay:Hot Sailors. Better yet, Hot Se... - I like Hot Sailors. - Mm, me too.

Lindsay:I don't remember Vuitton having two E's.

Lindsay · Tobias:Is that a gall see? No, it's just a fallacy

Lindsay · Tobias:Yeah, we should end it. / Let's give it another shot. To the head. Kill it. Yes.

Lindsay:Stay in your lane, anus tart!

Shaman · Lindsay:You are so full of (BLEEP). Yeah, yeah. Although, in my culture, 'full of (BLEEP)' is kind of like a dig.

Shaman · Lindsay:This bag is as fake as you are. Well, how do I learn? Just look at the spelling.

Lindsay · Narrator:I just talked to the shaman, just right back at... Coincidence?

Lindsay:Would you take a grimace?

Lindsay:No, Michael. I'm not a whore. I don't get any of the money until after I do the disgusting thing.

Lindsay:NINJA, please!

Lindsay · Tobias · Realtor:That way, we have it... That way, you'll have it... That way, you have it.

Lindsay:God, they grow up so slowly.

Lindsay:'Suckled at her champagne glass breasts' isn't a joke?

Lindsay:And I want to smell the suds.

Lindsay:That's why I swiped that methadone tray.

Lindsay:Oh, no. He just took some methadone. He thought he was driving with a cocktail tray.

Lindsay:Those were wetlands? That explains our Thanksgiving miracle.

Lindsay · Tobias:It's a miracle!

Lindsay · Marky · Narrator:Coincidence? / That's not a coincidence. / Yes, it is

Lindsay:I have the worst (BLEEP) shaman.

Lindsay:Great. Even cuter.

Lindsay:Well, I should have known you'd be here, supporting this right-wing, dangerous crackpot.

Lindsay:a $50,000 check your wife sent to my daughter for plastic surgery. What kind of a woman does that?

Lindsay:You're right, I mean, it's not like we're even technically related.

Lindsay:Marky! Mommy needs mescaline!

Lindsay · Marky:You really are color-blind. Face-blind.

Marky · Lindsay:Come on, Cindy. / What do you think? / Ugh. Smells weird in here. What is that? / I think it's just... not urine.

Lindsay:You're looking at Lindsay. Still Lindsay.

Marky · Lindsay:How was beg? / Beg was good. I found sometres lechescake.

Lindsay:I'll, uh, change out of these filthy clothes and into some filthy lingerie. I don't think I washed it.

Marky · Lindsay:Did you take the silver glitter? / Nope. I mean, I'd say check the junk drawer, but I can't differentiate anymore.

Lindsay · Marky:Blue in the face, yeah. That's better than what I had, actually. I was gonna say they'd be covered in ink and glitter.

Lucille 2 · Lindsay:I used to wear that with the Captain. / Tennille? / And not make contact, yes!

Lucille 2 · Lindsay:There are two S's in 'congress.' And I just call myself Lucille... Lucille 1. I'm so sorry. No. Just Lucille.

Lindsay · Lucille 2:Honestly, Lucille 2, you've been like a mother to me. Aw. Except kind and loving and willing to let me eat.

Lindsay:I don't know if I've said this before- it's not important or anything- but I'm really, really pretty.

Marky · Lindsay:I'm the straightest guy you know! Why does every man feel like they have to say that to me?

Lindsay · Narrator:Ooh, a Neiman's catalog. But it was what she found stuck inside the catalog that got her attention.

Lindsay · Narrator:And that's when she found the mother lode. 'From Gangie 4: Facelift.' What a load of... Mother.

Lucille · Lindsay:Oh, great, looks like we've got another high-end hooker in here. Oh, thank you, Mother.

Lucille · Lindsay:Just goes to show, the apple does not far from the tree fall. I am like you nothing.

Herbert · Lindsay:What's your name, princess? Cindy Featherbottom. Of the Laguna Beach Featherbottoms?

Lindsay · Staff:It's, uh, 714... Right this way, sir, right this way.

Lindsay:Oh, God, he blued himself.

Herbert · Lindsay:Give me a call; perhaps we can engage in some sexual congress. Although that's a total giveaway, right?

Maeby · Lindsay:Are you really going to whore yourself out like that? I am not a whore. Yeah, you're a whore. I am not a whore.

Marky · Lindsay:If you see a woman named Lindsay, tell her to bail me out. I'll do my best, sir.

Lindsay · Buster · Gob:Gentlemen, start your engines. No, Gob. Oh!

Lindsay · Maeby:Kids or people who like kids. So, where's Marky?

Michael · Lindsay:The wall between Mexico and the U.S.? Tell him to take it down? Or just not to put it up. No wall yet. Oh, no, there's no- I knew that, yeah.

Michael · Lindsay:The wall between Mexico and the U.S.? Tell him to take it down? Or just not to put it up. No wall yet. Oh, no, there's no- I knew that, yeah.

Lindsay · Herbert Love:Wait... I can't do this unless you promise to be against the wall. What the hell? It's better for my back anyway.

Herbert · Lindsay:Aah, Jesus Christ! Oh! I'm sorry. Why would you do that? No, I thought it was cute, I saw it in a movie.

Lindsay · Hostess · Narrator:Uh, Bluth. I made a reservation. Hi-lo. Nice to meet you. Oh, I'm sorry, the Bluths have been seated. But she wasn't the only Bluth pretending to be something they weren't that night.

Michael · Lindsay:High school. Brother and sister. We can't be brother-sister- she knows about the family. We don't. Just met.

Herbert Love · Lindsay:It's over between us. My wife found out and I told her there was nothing emotional, that you were just a prostitute. I'm not a prostitute.

Lindsay:This isn't over. I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay.

Lindsay:It's called hooking up. And, yeah, I got a little sidetracked, but I know who I am now. I'm back to being severely liberal.

Sally · Lindsay:Show-and-tell? Oh, she just means these photos of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with. Who took these? The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertsons parking lot.

Lindsay:Love wants to put up a wall. No, no. I mean, not just any wall. A wall to keep out the Mexicans. Oh, wow, what a great crowd, uh...

Lindsay · Crowd:I mean, someone should put up a wall. Yeah. We should put up a wall. Put up this wall. Put up this wall! Put... up... this wall.

Lindsay · Narrator:My name is Lindsay Bluth, and this is who I am. A Bluth, just like her mother.

Lindsay · Tobias:♪ No, it's just a phallus... eee! ♪

Lindsay · Shaman:I'm so full of passion. You are so full of (bleep). Yeah, yeah.

Lindsay · Narrator:She's away at boarding school in England. Is that where we left it?

Lindsay · Maeby:Thank you, Maeby, that's actually a compliment in India. My own fault.

Lindsay:And we're not moving in; we're occupying a space with central air.

Maeby · Lindsay:Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that? I am not a whore. Yeah, you're a whore.

Campaign Manager · Lindsay:And just to be clear, I want to hire her for prostitution. Yes, no, definitely. That was clear. I'm gonna charge you for that.

Lindsay:Oh, they have one.

Lindsay · Driver:How do you say 'I'm American' in Mexican? Soy americano. Hmm. That does sound good. Ask him for two.

Lindsay · Driver:Soy americano. Hmm. That does sound good. Ask him for two.

Mexican man · Lindsay · Narrator:Puta Night is Thursday. That's so nice. No, I'm not. That was based on her belief that 'puta' meant 'young.'

Lindsay:I want to be part of the problem.

Lindsay:Oh, my gosh. I didn't even recognize you. It's a teenager thing. I could never pull that off. They want to look old, we want to look... You don't look very young.

Lindsay:This so-called reporter from the Wee Guardian says I was right. Now, suddenly, she's 'Perhaps I've recalled incorrectly. I'm positively knackered.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Am I supposed to be me? No! You are... I'm... A girl. You're a girl, Linds, uh, Murphy B... Lucille.

Lindsay:Actually, sometimes, I think I want to be a dog doctor. Ow!

Lucille · Lindsay:Look who grew out of her sheet. I thought about it.

Lucille · Lindsay:Not in front of the grandkids. I don't want them to know about the shady business scams - We lied to investors, so we have no product and we're two million dollars in debt.

Lindsay:I thought you said you were the sticky white glue that this family sniffs together.

Lindsay:Yeah, you're good at that, Dad. You're good at leaving. It... It's kind of your thing, actually.

Gob · Tobias · Lindsay:Well, just one of the smaller ones. You won't even know it's being used. - ...because an actor's body is his instrument. - Come get my shower ready and then take over on the elliptical.

Lindsay · Tobias:Turkey jerky, popcorn, and leftover Jeff. - Aw. There's no Linda left?

Lindsay · Tobias:Shh. That was meant to last all week. Oh. Oh, duh.

Tobias · Lindsay · Maeby:Hi, I'm Mrs. Featherbottom. Thank you for being a friend. I'm Bev. Traveled down a road and back again. And I'm Mrs. Bettywhite.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Steve McQueen from The Great Escape.' as greeting to Buster

Lindsay:They're threatening our feet?

Lindsay:I mean, I'm just turning 14. And Michael is, too, because they're twins.

Lindsay:That was my singing. That's my talent.

Maeby · Lindsay · Buster:Oh, my God. Lucille 2 is your mother? Mimi. Not Lucille 2. Oh, right. That is who I pushed down the stairs.