Lindsay Bluth Fünke

Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.

I like it better on him.

Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse. I like it better on him.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Michael. This is great news for HOOP.

J.D.L.? Jewish Defense League. Oh, the circumcision thing?

The only thing I found in the freezer was a dead dove in a bag. You didn't eat that, did you? 'Cause I've only got a couple days left to return it.

You spent $68 on hair conditioner? A small price to pay for self-esteem, Michael. Or are you still jealous that you lost Best Hair to me in high school and got Dorkiest?

But you've never actually had an audition. Well... excuse me!

That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say, 'You might wanna lean away from that fire... since you're soaked in alcohol.' Mine was better.

Or, you could not eat the cornballs and let your kid lead his own life.

With what? Company credit card. You're returning that. Get a job.

What is it with this family and working?

They beat her up, and, uh, took all her clothes.

Buster was right. You get off on being withholding, don't you?

Send her over. I'll take her shopping. Buster was right. You get off on being withholding, don't you?

Great. So now we don't have a car or a jet? Why don't we just take an ad out in I'm Poor magazine?

Perhaps you remember Neuterfest? / I'll never forget your wedding.

You're wearing ostrich skin boots. / I don't care about ostriches.

Watch out for bridges and hop-ons. You're gonna get some hop-ons.

At a weekend stage fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.

I think you're gross.

Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

And these, Tobias. When was the last time you looked at these?

Now there are two men I wanna leave.

I've decided that... I want to become an actor too.

Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

If I'm no Schwimmer, you're no Jennifer Aniston! Maybe I'm not even Lisa Kudrow.

Now there are two men I wanna leave.

Michael, do you have any idea what would happen if I were to visit prison? - Hmm. - It would be pandemonium.

Come on. That would never happen. - She can't drive herself. - I mean, she's the world's worst driver.

She was having trouble even lifting up this bag of groceries.

Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the... - High-fastening pants. - Have you said that? No. I'm saying that now.

It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?

That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.

Michael, do you have any idea what would happen if I were to visit prison? It would be pandemonium.

It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?

That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.

Guess what? They weren't protein bars. They were gold Krugerrands. And Dad finally paid attention to my intellect.

The loser. The fool.

Moo? Mmm. Moo, honey.

Because I'm... Don't want to.

This is a D-minus. Either way, it's above a 'D,' right?

I know you got a 'crocodile' in spelling, but this has gone too far.

Hmm. Nope, that doesn't feel right.

I punish thee.

Oh, I have to come up with another thing?

That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair.

I'd like my old life back.

I have a job. / Kiss ass. / Well, we were all thinking it.

Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?

You know that he's only had sex with, like, four women, right?

Wow! This Cloudmir's making me think fuzzy. I have almost no judgment at all. / 'Only one with a real job.'

Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine's Day party.

I deceived you, Mom. Tricked makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

That can't feel good.

Well, if you call not filing for divorce 'something right.'

Good grief. He sent us one of his idiot videotapes.

This was supposed to be my anniversary toast. Yeah. And this was supposed to be my Valentine's Day party.

The man's psychologically incapable of taking all of his clothes off.

I was gonna take her with me in the night. She's part of the bolt.

I'm gonna sleep with my daughter, and you're gonna sleep with my husband.

Can I let you in on a little secret? Hmm? Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.

No! We may have to bolt.

I understand you not wanting to do it on film... but you can't even get undressed in front of me.

Look, how 'bout we do this together? You take off your shirt, and I'll take off my jacket.

You're my aunt. - That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role.

Did you meet Ms. Baerly yet, the ethics teacher? 'Cause I just did. No, not yet. Look, these are our cabinets.

Okay, that is our exact outdoor fire pit.

So you're not letting him in because he doesn't share your perfectly shaped nose... your round eye-shaped eyes, your strong square jaw. - Thanks. You wanna dance?

Lindsay, say something to scare me. ...me. Nope. Nothing. Thanks for trying though.

Does that mean I have to go to your office to get mine, too, or how's that work?

Well, I usually ask Kitty, uh, but she's not around... and you're the only one here I've ever seen before.

You quit college. Yeah, well, I had a job. What was the point?

Michael, it's Friday. Everybody coasts on Friday. It's actually Saturday.

Uh, Lindsay. Hello. The phones. Well, you said 'staff.'

What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

What happened to the lights? Isn't this better? Doesn't this just wanna make you curl up and forget about the world?

Hey, who's ready to have some fun?

Wow. Who won?

I'm a professor of American Studies... at the University of Mexico City. I took a dance class there.

Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline... but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.

55/55. Deal.

Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album! We're not in the photo album! Drop the pie!

You've got a little pocket there, Annyong. Annyong. That's not getting old.

Nana was on that yacht! What? You killed Nana! She's lying! She's been dead for six months. For about six months.

For 15 minutes. Then it burns when you pee, and your marriage goes to hell.

Some call me the human metronome. You notice how I'm always on time? I'm never late for things. Yeah, but I think punctuality is slightly different from rhythm. No, it's not. It's the exact same thing. It's knowing how long things take.

Already down! Get your finger out of my throat! It's down!

We should be dressing like it's the '80s.

I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Wow. Exciting, huh? - Finally getting some money. - What do you want, Lindsay?

Mother's neck. - No, that was a good investment. It is easier to look at now, isn't it?

I want to have an affair. Now, I'm not sure with who yet, but I'll need lingerie, waxings... These are some real costs, Michael.

I just feel like using my body. - Well, Lindsay, could you use it over there? I'm trying to grow.

We had sex once in the last year, and he just laid there.

Well, if I'm gonna have an affair...

Come on! These salon wars have got to stop! - The war, Lindsay. The real war.

I'm protesting the war. There's a war going on, you know? - Yeah, I'm the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.

Actually, I used this one for Michael when he was too cheap to pay for the premium channels. But I added the bit about the stylists.

This is where we're protesting? This isn't right. Where are the cameras? - They're in the free press zone

All your water's doing is whetting my appetite for protest. No hair for oil! No hair for oil!

I want to be... a cage dancer.

WELL, EXCUSE ME, MICHAEL, FOR NOT RAISING THE PERFECT DAUGHTER THAT YOU DID.

SHE'S RIGHT THOUGH. YOU PROBABLY ARE A HOMOSEXUAL.

WELL, THEY EXPECT A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF THEFT, MICHAEL. IT'S BUILT INTO THE PRICE. IF I DIDN'T TAKE IT, THEN PEOPLE WOULD BE OVERPAYING FOR NOTHING.

YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOUR TAPE.

I DON'T KNOW... MY ASS.

MICHAEL, IT WAS SHOPLIFTING, AND I'M WHITE. I THINK I'M GOING TO BE OKAY.

I WASN'T SHOPLIFTING, YOU TWIT. YES, THANKS TO ME. NO. I WORK HERE. AT LEAST I USED TO.

Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can't be surprised when an ugly adult comes out.

Great. Before you know it, I'll be in the red. And you can take that to the bank.

Well, that would've worked if you'd sprung for a bigger sink.

Some girl. I mean, she barely has a face. You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one.

Does that look a little like our kitchen island?

Why would a doctor say he's 'gone' when he means he's escaped? God, I've missed bread. Mmm. Wouldn't you say, 'He left out the window' or, 'The room's empty.'

It comes from knowing you're toned and fit.

Nice to be back in a queen. It's too much pressure. I can't do this.

Well, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think that was a possibility.

It looks like he's dead. Oh, my God! Oh, little guy. The tears aren't coming. The tears just aren't coming.

This ( bleep ), Doctor. Hey, we want this comped!

That's like, what, like a million diamonds for $400? A million- diamonds.

In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it. - I already have. - I have too.

Lindsay at bar failing to get anyone's attention while Tobias watches

Uh, uh, uh, you get out. Get out. Get out. Out, out, out! No homeless in here! - Homeless? You're homeless? You're gross. Oh, God.

I wonder if he even has an apartment or- Perfect. He's not a real man.

Well, at first, I thought you were kind of hot, but I hadn't looked closely enough.

First of all, we are doing this for her. Okay? Because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And 'second-of-ly,' I know you're the big marriage expert-

Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead.

I'm sorry. That was 100% inappropriate, and I do apologize profusely.

He's my friend. You don't have any friends. I have lots of friends, Lindsay.

I was just hoping to have sex with you. Why am I not blacking out?

I'm gonna throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.

Coincidentally, neither do you.

Lindsay, it's not a competition. Of course it is, Michael. That's why they call it 'scoring.'

Maybe in the '70s. That many? We've only been doing this for a month.

I can't promise you I won't tell the prosecutor about that.

Oh, well, I'm much, much, much older than 15.

You made my day again!

I've never thought of you that way. / That's sweet.

Oh, if you're worried about my husband, it's fine. He's no bigger than a Cub Scout. You could take him, and you could certainly take me.

It is the worst Christmas party I've ever been to in my life. Now, watch this.

And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight... / That's my wife and nephew!

The only help we need is from each other. And apparently whatever's in that bottle. Thanks for reminding me. My Teamocil.

[Narrator] In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk band to promote a supplement that promised better unity and teamwork. [Together] Teamocil - Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.

Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband. You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you?

[Narrator] Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil- a sense of camaraderie. Count me in, Michael. Happy to help the team.

[Narrator] Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? To curb your sex drive. That's right. What team are you talking about?

Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? To curb your sex drive. That's right. What team are you talking about?

I STOPPED BY. I HADN'T CHOSEN A SIDE.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO FIRE YOUR GUN IN THE AIR... IS THAT FRANK WRENCH?

AND I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN GET A WRENCH TO STRIP MY NUTS.

I WAS TRYING TO BE SEXY. IT JUST GOT AWAY FROM ME.

I PUT UP ONE TO GET IT. AS LONG AS IT GETS FRANK WRENCH TO BID ON ME.

I'M BEING SAVED BY FRANK WRENCH.

STICK A WRENCH IN ME. I'M DONE.

Chaw-chee-chaw, chee-chaw. What is that? Is that a chicken?

She thinks you're a loser. 'Cause she knows you're a loser.

Hey, I'm— [bleep] Lucille 2. Oh. I could do something like that.

which would be a drag. Yeah, that's just the kind of joke Drag can't hear.

So, I didn't even fail, and I don't see you giving me credit for that.

It was pretty obvious when Dragon kept swooping UncleJack in for a kiss.

Oh, big deal, three times. I've had three times plenty of times. Yes! Did you call my name? Absolutely not.

We will be like Tracy and Hepburn. - Yeah! - 'What do you say, you old poop?' - Oh, God, he's Hepburn.

to collect and test her urine. - It was there that they stumbled upon a fat suit. - That's what it is.

You son of a bitch! I hate this doctor! - He's a very literal man.

Oh, Mom. After all these years, God's not gonna take a call from you.

Well, first of all, I'm sure there are writers on The Simpsons who aren't geeks.

Is he trying to get out of having this baby? - We want this child. It's given us a reason to stay together.

Where's your child? - I don't have a child, Michael. - We don't have a child, Michael. - That's why we want-

Of course they have father-daughter dances. - They do? He never took me? It was before we did your nose.

If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.

She hadn't even done it that time, but instead, intercepted her mother's housekeeper

You're going to stretch them out. That's all you can say? Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.

You can pack your junk and get out.

Yoo-hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!

I need you to hire him. [phone cuts to dial tone] Hi. I'm sor- Look, it isn't my idea, it's his.

No. She's the only one who can hand wash my delicates. Yeah, the real Tobias wouldn't do that.

Ancient Chinese Secret, huh? [Both] Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?

Now, put your foot on the brake. There's a light in a half mile. [Brakes Grinding]

He was doing really well. Had his first hop-on.

The premier- of Canada. He's going out with my gym teacher.

If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.

She hadn't even done it that time but instead intercepted her mother's housekeeper as she was arriving for work.

Almost done. Yours or mister's?

I did notice we'd stopped TiVoing The Christopher Lowell Show.

You can pack your junk and get out.

Well, she was so excited the hot water in the shower was lasting longer. How could I have the heart to tell her it's because her father moved out?

I haven't seen this in ages. EBay.

I'll DustBuster! God.

You could finally use some of his dirty tricks to get George Michael elected.

Well, maybe the fact that we don't know if we're together or not is a sign that we should split again. Or stay split up.

Your husband's dating Kitty the whore. He is? That's- That's horrible. Do I know my daughter? She only wants what she can't have.

Mommy's gonna take a bath with a bottle of wine.

We're super rich again. And I'm gonna buy a car, the Volvo.

All right, maybe you're right. Maybe we should get you this car. Yeah, I don't know. It's so boxy.

I want a divorce.

I mean, what are we, Amish?

Yeah. I've heard your side of it.

It's more like a Lincoln. Oh, come on!

Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.

You want me to be explicit? / Yes, but I will be needing to get off in four minutes.

Well, let's see if I can't hit that target for you.

Well, in our defense, Mom, we're not exactly dog people.

Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie. Those are illegal. / Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.

I'm willing to debase myself. / Get a maid's uniform and come by my house around 7:00. / There is no way to misinterpret that. / Except the one.

I only took this nanny job so he'd give me a free divorce, and then marry me, so I'd never have to work again.

That's so funny, because I can put my leg behind my head.

Of course. Who wouldn't want to snog the nanny?

Oh, my God! Did I miss a call?

I don't know where that hair of yours came from. Shameless Plugs, on Placentia. Looks pretty good, huh? And they're not licensed, which means big savings.

You guys have these jackets on inside out? / Yeah, that way you see the label. / Yeah, I mean, that's what you're paying for, right? It's a great statement on fashion. / Plus, it doesn't tickle your neck.

Somebody saw Seinfeld last night. / Ovarian cancer. Gee, I wonder who that was.

Oh, right. Uh, he spoke at my school for a 'Startled Straight' assembly.

I think you will find the dessert both engrossing and high grossing. / So, we don't get dessert?

Who's the 'her' in that sentence? / Mom. Warden Gentles likes Mom. / 'Her?'

Plus, she's married, okay? She can't be writhing around underneath... What is wrong with you?! It's disgusting! God!

Don't make the water too hot—the scabs come right off.

She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag... ...table paste. Hi, George Michael.

You and half of Orange County.

Very secret. He doesn't even know, does he? He has not known of it. That's correct.

Why won't you (bleep) me?!

Well, our copy boy's very striking, but he often has toner on his fingers. I meant another lawyer.

Blah-Blah-Blah. At 8:30, unless you want to sit at the bar.

Then get Bob Loblaw to hire to hire me another surrogate. That's kind of the point. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us, because someone wanted a boyfriend.

The boy who couldn't cry. He's a robot! Michael can cry. He doesn't want to rust. Yes, he's like the steel man from The Wizard From Oz. Tin man? Is that what he's called? He knows.

You know, Mom, I think the only time you ever cooked for us, was the morning Rosa's mom died. You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

I found that canned ham that we'd had forever, and I put it in a pot of boiling water, and guess what I'm calling it? Soup? Hot ham water.

Yes, he's a regular Freddy Wilson, that one. I don't know that reference. I don't either. I don't know either. It's this guy.

Remember what happened when we sent Lindsay to that kind of school? All of a sudden I was the bad guy to her. And you don't respect Mom and you don't respect women. Are you married? Damn school.

It's so watery. And yet there's a smack of ham to it. It's hot ham water.

Poached salmonella? It'll be fine. I'll just put the sauce on them. What kind of sauce is that? Wait, this is the water I thawed the chicken in. Oh. Well, that should go with chicken.

Hope you don't mind me saying, but these things can go on indefinitely. My mother's been in that bed for two years. / How awful. / We don't have a private room.

I love soup. If the only thing I could do was lay in bed all day and eat soup, I'd be happy. I wouldn't even have to taste it. I could just take it through a tube. That would actually be better, 'cause I wouldn't even burn my mouth.

Never let me die.

Show me your sign. / No, the other side. / Tobias, Brian and I believe in the dignity of every human being. Now, why don't we leave the fruits with the vegetables, and go get a coffee?

I'm trying to get on with my life. / Yeah, so is what remains of Buster.

Well, just fake it! / Coma.

Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of 'won'ts.' / Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list of 'can'ts.'

Nellie has blown them all away. / Yeah, well, I think it's crazy. / You forgot to say 'away' again.

It's like we finish each other's... / Sandwiches? / Sentences. / Why would I say...? / Sandwiches? / That time I was going to say sandwiches.

Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I'm feeling a little pressure here.

Unbutton my shirt a bit and give him this look.

I think that's another one of Mom's little fibs. You know, like 'I'll sacrifice anything for my children.'

Would it kill her to let some vodka go bad?

That is her suit. They probably don't make it in a woman's though. They only make it in a woman's.

You see, sometimes shame can be fun. Shame? Secrets. You said 'shame.'

It's 'water into wine.' Then I emptied out all your wine bottles and filled them with fake stuff for nothing.

Great, how am I supposed to have sex with my husband now?

I've always pictured him in a lighthouse.

We can do that?

It's the only hair he's got. What? - He's an alpaca. - He has alopecia.

Two million! Two million! That sounds like a lot more than it actually is.

You know, being twins, our birthdays are pretty close to one another.

as she does of getting attacked by a shark. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were going to say seal.

I hope that's not a crack about my hair color, lips, forehead, nose and teeth.

Are you kidding me? This is the happiest I've been since the day I got my new nose.

Uh, wait, three-year-old? You said it was 37 years ago. Oh, yeah, right. Hey, we should do something for your 40th next week.

I'm not your sister. - What? Hey, Lindsay. - I'm adopted. And I'm three years older.

Hot Sailors. Better yet, Hot Se... - I like Hot Sailors. - Mm, me too.

I don't remember Vuitton having two E's.

Is that a gall see? No, it's just a fallacy

Yeah, we should end it. / Let's give it another shot. To the head. Kill it. Yes.

Stay in your lane, anus tart!

You are so full of (BLEEP). Yeah, yeah. Although, in my culture, 'full of (BLEEP)' is kind of like a dig.

This bag is as fake as you are. Well, how do I learn? Just look at the spelling.

I just talked to the shaman, just right back at... Coincidence?

Would you take a grimace?

No, Michael. I'm not a whore. I don't get any of the money until after I do the disgusting thing.

NINJA, please!

That way, we have it... That way, you'll have it... That way, you have it.

God, they grow up so slowly.

'Suckled at her champagne glass breasts' isn't a joke?

And I want to smell the suds.

That's why I swiped that methadone tray.

Oh, no. He just took some methadone. He thought he was driving with a cocktail tray.

Those were wetlands? That explains our Thanksgiving miracle.

It's a miracle!

Coincidence? / That's not a coincidence. / Yes, it is

I have the worst (BLEEP) shaman.

Great. Even cuter.

Well, I should have known you'd be here, supporting this right-wing, dangerous crackpot.

a $50,000 check your wife sent to my daughter for plastic surgery. What kind of a woman does that?

You're right, I mean, it's not like we're even technically related.

Marky! Mommy needs mescaline!

You really are color-blind. Face-blind.

Come on, Cindy. / What do you think? / Ugh. Smells weird in here. What is that? / I think it's just... not urine.

You're looking at Lindsay. Still Lindsay.

How was beg? / Beg was good. I found sometres lechescake.

I'll, uh, change out of these filthy clothes and into some filthy lingerie. I don't think I washed it.

Did you take the silver glitter? / Nope. I mean, I'd say check the junk drawer, but I can't differentiate anymore.

Blue in the face, yeah. That's better than what I had, actually. I was gonna say they'd be covered in ink and glitter.

I used to wear that with the Captain. / Tennille? / And not make contact, yes!

There are two S's in 'congress.' And I just call myself Lucille... Lucille 1. I'm so sorry. No. Just Lucille.

Honestly, Lucille 2, you've been like a mother to me. Aw. Except kind and loving and willing to let me eat.

I don't know if I've said this before- it's not important or anything- but I'm really, really pretty.

I'm the straightest guy you know! Why does every man feel like they have to say that to me?

Ooh, a Neiman's catalog. But it was what she found stuck inside the catalog that got her attention.

And that's when she found the mother lode. 'From Gangie 4: Facelift.' What a load of... Mother.

Oh, great, looks like we've got another high-end hooker in here. Oh, thank you, Mother.

Just goes to show, the apple does not far from the tree fall. I am like you nothing.

What's your name, princess? Cindy Featherbottom. Of the Laguna Beach Featherbottoms?

It's, uh, 714... Right this way, sir, right this way.

Oh, God, he blued himself.

Give me a call; perhaps we can engage in some sexual congress. Although that's a total giveaway, right?

Are you really going to whore yourself out like that? I am not a whore. Yeah, you're a whore. I am not a whore.

If you see a woman named Lindsay, tell her to bail me out. I'll do my best, sir.

Gentlemen, start your engines. No, Gob. Oh!

Kids or people who like kids. So, where's Marky?

The wall between Mexico and the U.S.? Tell him to take it down? Or just not to put it up. No wall yet. Oh, no, there's no- I knew that, yeah.

The wall between Mexico and the U.S.? Tell him to take it down? Or just not to put it up. No wall yet. Oh, no, there's no- I knew that, yeah.

Wait... I can't do this unless you promise to be against the wall. What the hell? It's better for my back anyway.

Aah, Jesus Christ! Oh! I'm sorry. Why would you do that? No, I thought it was cute, I saw it in a movie.

Uh, Bluth. I made a reservation. Hi-lo. Nice to meet you. Oh, I'm sorry, the Bluths have been seated. But she wasn't the only Bluth pretending to be something they weren't that night.

High school. Brother and sister. We can't be brother-sister- she knows about the family. We don't. Just met.

It's over between us. My wife found out and I told her there was nothing emotional, that you were just a prostitute. I'm not a prostitute.

This isn't over. I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay.

It's called hooking up. And, yeah, I got a little sidetracked, but I know who I am now. I'm back to being severely liberal.

Show-and-tell? Oh, she just means these photos of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with. Who took these? The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertsons parking lot.

Love wants to put up a wall. No, no. I mean, not just any wall. A wall to keep out the Mexicans. Oh, wow, what a great crowd, uh...

I mean, someone should put up a wall. Yeah. We should put up a wall. Put up this wall. Put up this wall! Put... up... this wall.

My name is Lindsay Bluth, and this is who I am. A Bluth, just like her mother.

♪ No, it's just a phallus... eee! ♪

I'm so full of passion. You are so full of (bleep). Yeah, yeah.

She's away at boarding school in England. Is that where we left it?

Thank you, Maeby, that's actually a compliment in India. My own fault.

And we're not moving in; we're occupying a space with central air.

Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that? I am not a whore. Yeah, you're a whore.

And just to be clear, I want to hire her for prostitution. Yes, no, definitely. That was clear. I'm gonna charge you for that.

Oh, they have one.

How do you say 'I'm American' in Mexican? Soy americano. Hmm. That does sound good. Ask him for two.

Soy americano. Hmm. That does sound good. Ask him for two.

Puta Night is Thursday. That's so nice. No, I'm not. That was based on her belief that 'puta' meant 'young.'

I want to be part of the problem.

Oh, my gosh. I didn't even recognize you. It's a teenager thing. I could never pull that off. They want to look old, we want to look... You don't look very young.

This so-called reporter from the Wee Guardian says I was right. Now, suddenly, she's 'Perhaps I've recalled incorrectly. I'm positively knackered.'

Am I supposed to be me? No! You are... I'm... A girl. You're a girl, Linds, uh, Murphy B... Lucille.

Actually, sometimes, I think I want to be a dog doctor. Ow!

Look who grew out of her sheet. I thought about it.

Not in front of the grandkids. I don't want them to know about the shady business scams - We lied to investors, so we have no product and we're two million dollars in debt.

I thought you said you were the sticky white glue that this family sniffs together.

Yeah, you're good at that, Dad. You're good at leaving. It... It's kind of your thing, actually.

Well, just one of the smaller ones. You won't even know it's being used. - ...because an actor's body is his instrument. - Come get my shower ready and then take over on the elliptical.

Turkey jerky, popcorn, and leftover Jeff. - Aw. There's no Linda left?

Shh. That was meant to last all week. Oh. Oh, duh.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Featherbottom. Thank you for being a friend. I'm Bev. Traveled down a road and back again. And I'm Mrs. Bettywhite.

Lindsay: 'Steve McQueen from The Great Escape.' as greeting to Buster

They're threatening our feet?

I mean, I'm just turning 14. And Michael is, too, because they're twins.

That was my singing. That's my talent.

Oh, my God. Lucille 2 is your mother? Mimi. Not Lucille 2. Oh, right. That is who I pushed down the stairs.