Sad Sack

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Narrator: 'It's a new prosecutor. It's a whole new beginning. A new day, a new case, a whole new set of lies.' / Michael: 'I'm not lying anymore, Mom.' / Narrator: 'Michael was lying.'

Lucille:Lucille: 'I'm not lying anymore either, Michael. I'm being lied... on.'

Narrator · Lucille:Narrator, after Lucille eats the egg whites George Sr. was waiting for: 'Wow, now more is going to come up than go down.'

Lucille:Lucille: 'This is the nicest she's been since she found out that Rosa could breast-feed Buster.'

Buster · Drill Sergeant:Buster: 'Aren't you supposed to yell at me and call me "homo" and motivate me over this wall?' / Drill Sergeant: 'We can't do that anymore. Lawsuit.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'In fact, it was a recent ruling, prosecuted by the same man who Michael was soon to meet with. It's going to be a long time before Sergeant Wendell Baker calls someone "Private Homo" again.'

George Sr.:George Sr. on attic floor with breast pump: 'God willing, he'll fail boot camp. Well, why wouldn't he? He already failed day camp.'

Michael · George-Michael · Narrator:Michael tells George-Michael that Ann got him a B-minus. George-Michael: 'Well, it wasn't Ann. She's an expert in math.' Michael: 'Isn't that cute?' / Narrator: 'Is it?'

Michael:Michael suggests George-Michael needs glasses for grades, not eyesight: 'Maybe it's your eyes. Maybe you need glasses. For your grades.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias enters dramatically, claims he's 'afraid he'll have to take 'em to go' because he's 'late for the gym.' Lindsay responds by handing him the Blue Man Group understudy number.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.' Lindsay: 'Coincidentally, neither do you.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay's raspy, hoarse voice. Michael: 'What's wrong with your voice?' Lindsay: 'Nothing. I've been going out.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay had been frequenting singles clubs, also still hoping to make her open marriage work... [Lindsay: 'Whoo!'] ...which it won't.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'That's why they call it "scoring."' Lindsay: 'Maybe in the '70s.' Lindsay: 'That many?'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Instead of competing with Tobias, why don't you try spending more time with your daughter?' Lindsay: 'Why? Tobias doing that?'

Narrator · Maeby · Steve Holt:Narrator: 'At that moment, Lindsay's daughter Maeby was in the process of wooing her own man.' / Maeby's delivery boy arrives. 'Who is it?' / 'Steve Holt!'

Steve Holt · Maeby:Steve Holt on Maeby: 'Is this your sister?' Maeby: 'No...' Steve: 'But you just made my day.' / Maeby orders 'Memories of Thanksgiving' basket just to see Steve.

George-Michael · Narrator:George-Michael about Steve Holt: 'He's 19. He's a senior at my high school.' Narrator: 'And had been for several years.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay (after the Steve Holt moment): 'You know what? I think I am going to spend more time with my daughter.' Michael: 'I can't promise you I won't tell the prosecutor about that.'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael finds George Sr. in attic wearing his dead wife's maternity clothes.

Michael · George Sr.:Michael: 'Where are the eggs?' George Sr.: 'Doctor says they're bad for the baby.'

George Sr.:George Sr. fumbles with a ham can: 'How do you get this ham open? I can... I can't get this ham open.' Then discovers it peels open: 'Oh. Oh, look, it just peels off. Isn't that clever?'

George Sr.:George Sr.: 'Your mother happens to be just shtupping my brother, that's all. I'm only here to find out if I have a shot with her. If she's really in love with Oscar, I don't know, to hell with her — I'll just leave.'

George-Michael · Eye Doctor:George-Michael's eye exam: 'One or two?' 'Two. No, no, one. Okay, two...' / 'Or three?' 'Three. Unless three is too much of an improvement. I'm sorry, is one... is one in the mix still?'

Michael · Wayne Jarvis:Michael on Gob: 'He's twice tried to microwave a Ding-Dong while it was still in its foil... twice.' Wayne Jarvis: 'Twice?' Michael: 'Two times.'

Narrator · Interrogator · Gob:Interrogators: 'He knows less than anyone we have ever questioned.' Narrator: 'Gob knew too little to know that, however, and his confidence had never been more shaken.'

Wayne Jarvis · Michael:Wayne Jarvis: 'Things could get very messy for you, Michael, unless you have something to bargain with, like, say... a fugitive.' Michael: 'I don't know where to find such a thing.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Can I have a moment alone with my client, please?' [to Jarvis and aide] 'Did you follow any of that?' Michael then explains the obvious deal being offered. Barry: 'Do you know where your father is? No, wait, don't tell me now. Okay, if you know, give me a high five.'

Barry:Barry: 'Well, if he's got a shot with her, just give me a little tap on the fanny.'

Barry:Barry: 'Just trust me. I'm a lot more competent than you can imagine.' Immediately forgets the tinfoil on his Ding-Dong: 'Oh, I forgot to take the tinfoil off, too. I really wanted that.'

Gob · Buster:Gob motivating Buster to jump: 'Do it!' / Buster jumps onto Gob and punches him in the chest. Gob: 'Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you'll have more fun.'

Gob · Tobias · Narrator:Gob convinces Buster they should go to the 'old playground.' Tobias then appears asking to borrow Gob's phone. Gob: 'I'm not fit to run a company, and I don't deserve a fancy phone.' Tobias: 'Well, the Blue Man Group might need me, and I do deserve a fancy phone.' Narrator: 'They didn't, and he doesn't.'

Tobias · Narrator:The Blue Man Group might need me, and I do deserve a fancy phone. / [Narrator: They didn't, and he doesn't.]

Lucille:Lucille to Oscar: 'And it's so nice not to have to worry about getting pregnant. The doctor said I couldn't be a mother now if I tried. And that was without even interviewing me.'

Oscar:Oscar to Lucille: 'Here you go: hot tea. Because that's what you are: a hot-tie.'

Oscar:Oscar to Michael: 'Stop me from pouring this on myself. I can't take this anymore.' [re: Lucille's affection]

Michael · Oscar · Narrator:Michael suggests Oscar should 'take a leap at freedom like my father' and 'run.' Oscar: 'Is that her rape horn?' Michael: 'It's more like a starter's pistol.' / Narrator: 'Run.'

Lindsay · Maeby · Steve Holt:Lindsay arrives at school to spend time with Maeby, meets Steve Holt. Lindsay: 'After all, hasn't been that long since I've been in high school.' Steve: 'Is that a fire?' Students: 'We have to go to class.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay to Steve and Maeby: 'Maybe later we can all spend a little more time together, go shopping, get a drink.' / Maeby: 'I'm in school, and I'm 15.' Lindsay: 'Oh, well, I'm much, much, much older than 15.'

Steve Holt · Lindsay:Steve Holt: 'You don't look it.' [to Lindsay about her age] Lindsay: 'Oh, Steve. He thinks I'm young. You made my day again!'

George-Michael · Maeby · Steve Holt:George-Michael to Maeby about Lindsay: 'Wow, your Mom's pretty, uh, out there.' Maeby: 'She's not my mom.' Steve: 'But she said you were her daughter.' Maeby: 'His daughter. That's my dad.' Steve: 'That's a dude?' Maeby: 'And the worst part is he thinks he's passing.'

Gob · Buster:Gob helping Buster at the playground: 'I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.' Buster: 'Wow, that does sound like a little girl.'

Gob · Buster · Narrator:Gob and Buster at the playground: Gob is clearly enjoying pushing Buster on the swings more than intended. Narrator: 'It was fun, but it wasn't making him a better soldier.' Buster: 'Push me higher!'

Gob:Oh, this is turning out to be much more fun than I'd hoped. [Gob, swinging on playground equipment while Buster tries to get motivated]

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. holding broken device: 'Hey, by the way, I broke this thing. What the hell is it, anyway?' Michael: 'That's a breast pump, Dad.' George Sr.: 'Oh, well, I did not use it for that.'

Wayne Jarvis · Michael:Wayne Jarvis: 'I was once called the worst audience participant Cirque du Soleil ever had.' Michael: 'This is a big accusation.' Jarvis: 'Well, Michael, I did not find their buffoonery amusing.'

Wayne Jarvis:Wayne Jarvis: 'He's guilty, Michael, of medium to heavy treason.'

Lindsay · Michael · Narrator:Lindsay claims Oscar disappeared 'because of something you said to him.' Michael: 'I can't talk right now.' Narrator: 'Really? What's wrong with your voice?' Michael: 'I can talk — sure.'

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay tells Michael she ran into Steve Holt. Michael: 'Wow. Everything about you is so womanly. You're everything a woman should be.' Lindsay: 'Thank you, Steve.'

Michael · Wayne Jarvis:Michael's reaction after being presented with satellite photos of 'WMDs' — then discovering they're Tobias's body parts

Michael · George Sr.:Michael: 'But Mom isn't the only one "finding love" where she least expects it — her words.' George Sr.: 'Whoa-whoa. "Finding love" — she said that? Where, here?' Michael: 'Yeah, she won't shut up about him. She said "tingling" like, 75 times.'

Lucille · George Sr.:Lucille on camera: '...gets me tingling. You know, with Oscar, there's love, and with this tingling, and with Oscar...' [Reaction: George Sr. listening in horror from the attic]

Michael · Lucille · Oscar:Michael: 'This is going to sound like a strange question. Have you seen Dad?' Lucille: 'Of course not. And I'm not talking to you. You tried to scare away Oscar, which didn't work. He's back. I just, uh, I just want to have sex with you. That's, that's all I'm good for.' Michael: 'Did you hear that?' Narrator: 'He said he just wants to...' Michael: 'Good-bye, Mom.'

George Sr. · Lucille:George Sr. (as Oscar) to Lucille: 'You smell like a pine cone.' Lucille: 'Yeah, that's the weed.' George Sr.: 'I went to my, uh, [bleep] trailer and, uh, I smoked some, like a cigarette.'

Lucille · George Sr.:Lucille: 'Should we take it into the bedroom?' Oscar/George Sr.: 'Only if you really love me.' Lucille: 'Of course I do.' [long pause] George Sr. then flees the bedroom.

George Sr.:George Sr. runs from the bedroom: 'I'm on mushrooms! I'm on bad mushrooms!'

Buster · Sergeant:News: 'We've obtained photographs that officials call definite proof of WMDs in Iraq.' / Cut to Buster at Army training. Sergeant: 'There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Didn't you see? Weapons of mass destruction?'

Buster · Sergeant:Buster: 'Those bastards.' Sergeant: 'I did not say that.' Buster: 'Are you going to let that slide? Are you going to allow your children and your children's children and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?!' / Sergeant: 'Climb that wall, homo! Climb it.'

Gob:Climb that wall, homo! Climb it. [Gob, motivated by the WMD news to use the banned motivational slur]

Gob · Buster · George-Michael:Gob and Buster at playground, Gob repeats: 'Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.' George-Michael arrives: 'They found WMDs in Iraq, so we got a half day.'

Gob:Gob to George-Michael after math test result: 'Well, the "B" got you glasses. Maybe this time you'll get a neck brace.'

George-Michael · Narrator · Maeby:George-Michael to Gob about Lindsay: 'She's on her way to meet Steve Holt.' George-Michael: 'I do; I'm crazy about him. But he's obsessed with her. That's all he wants to talk about.' / Narrator: 'Lindsay felt bad... But she would have felt worse if she'd remained even a moment longer. But it's only because he thinks she's got a penis. Oh, I told him she was a tranny.'

Maeby · Lindsay:But it's only because he thinks she's got a penis. / Oh, I told him she was a tranny.

Michael · George Sr.:Michael to George Sr.: 'You deserted her, Dad. You know, you escaped, and then you faked your death. I'm not so sure she sees you as that reliable.'

Wayne Jarvis · Barry · Michael:Wayne Jarvis: 'Michael, when we started talking to you, we didn't have anything. But now... we got something. And you're going to do time for it.' Michael: 'Those are the pictures?' Barry: 'They're all over the news.' Michael: 'Those are balls.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'This close, they always look like landscape.' / Michael: 'Nope, you're looking at balls.'

Government Officials:Forensic scientists, generals, government officials all reviewing the photos: 'They're balls? We're looking at balls. Let's turn it around.' / 'Copy on the balls.'

News Anchor · Tobias:News anchor: 'We got one wrong, and we do apologize.' / Tobias (watching TV): 'I'm on TV.'

Michael · George-Michael:Got the glasses. / Now you'll do better on those math exams. / I think I blew the eye exam too, because every time I take these off, I feel better.

Michael · George-Michael:George-Michael gets glasses: 'Got the glasses. Now you'll do better on those math exams.' George-Michael: 'I think I blew the eye exam too, because every time I take these off, I feel better.'

Michael · George-Michael · Narrator:Michael looks at George-Michael's glasses: 'Hey, I've seen this before.' Narrator: 'For a while, George-Michael had shared a room with his Uncle Tobias.' [Flashback or implication that these are Tobias's glasses]

George-Michael · Tobias:George-Michael's reaction to Michael's realization about Tobias's glasses. GM says 'Uh, there's a ladder.' Tobias's voice: 'Oh, I don't need it.' [Tobias has climbed into the attic to retrieve his glasses]

Michael · George Sr.:George Sr. in attic: 'You know, you deserted her, Dad... I don't know whether it's just Tracy's maternity clothes, but it's very nice to see a softer side of you.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. smells Michael's clothing: 'You found her perfume, huh?' Michael: 'There was just a little left in the bottle. That was the end of it.' George Sr.: 'It's nice on you.'

Narrator · Lucille · Oscar:On the Next Arrested Development — Oscar returns and is immediately cold-shouldered by Lucille. Narrator: '...which was what attracted him to her in the first place.'

Lindsay · Maeby:On the Next — Maeby gives Lindsay a gift; Lindsay is touched. Maeby: 'I was hoping we could go to dinner tonight.' Lindsay: 'Oh, I thought you were going to go see Steve Holt at school.' Maeby: 'No, I just wanted to check him out and make sure he's good enough for my daughter.' Lindsay: 'Is it...?' Maeby: 'It's a "Sheh-ma-lee." It's gorgeous. I'm wearing it to dinner.'

Tobias · George Sr. · Narrator:On the Next — Tobias, 'traumatized by the public exposure, returns to an unfortunate quirk.' Tobias: 'Thank God — my cutoffs!' [finds denim cutoffs in attic] George Sr.: 'There were cutoffs up here?'