Maeby Fünke

George Michael · Maeby:Hey, you're my cousin, aren't you? — Maybe.

Maeby:I know. It's our parents' faults. We should teach them a lesson.

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby's scheme: pretend to make out with her cousin George Michael to teach their parents a lesson about never seeing each other. George Michael's dawning horror vs. Maeby's breezy confidence.

Maeby:I should go to my mom tonight and be like, 'I met the cutest guy.' And then she'll see you and me totally making out.

George Michael · Maeby:But we're cousins. — That's what makes it funny.

Maeby · George Michael:Yeah, I know. I'm tempted to kiss again so we could teach 'em a lesson. — Why would that teach them a lesson? — No, I mean, uh, to freak them out. — That doesn't make any sense. — Isn't that what makes it funny? — I'm laughing.

George Michael · Maeby:That doesn't make any sense. / Isn't that what makes it funny? / I'm laughing. Go fish... Uno... Okay.

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'George Michael was having a hard time adjusting to his new one' — cut to cramped van with 'ass to ankles' crowding

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'George Michael's attempt to distance himself from his cousin proved unsuccessful.' — George Michael and Maeby are literally at the banana stand together

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby's scheme to drain the cash register by giving away bananas for free: 'Banana. Buck. Banana. Take a buck.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael's employee math: 'We throw away a banana for every buck we take so no one finds out.' / 'Wait, I think you should do that math again.' / 'Is it wrong?' / 'It's fine.'

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:Lindsay and Maeby both celebrate jobs they didn't actually do, at the same restaurant, with unearned money

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael's math realization: 'For every dollar you take, you're actually taking two dollars because we paid for the bananas.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael and Maeby panic at seeing their mothers at the same restaurant — 'Oh, my God! It's your mom and Gangy.'

Maeby · George Michael:'Pop-pop, he's a businessman. What would he do?' / 'Bananas Foster.'

Lucille · Maeby:Lucille to Maeby about the flaming Bananas Foster: 'You might wanna let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.'

Maeby · Lucille:Maeby: 'That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say, You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol.' / Lucille: 'Mine was better.'

Maeby · Michael:Maeby calls Michael to rat out George Michael: 'He's about to do something really irresponsible.' / Michael: 'You think it's irresponsible? I'll be right there.'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias demonstrates his hands-off parenting by asking Maeby where she's going, expecting her not to answer — but she does. 'I was totally wrong. She's reaching out to her actor daddy.'

Tobias · Maeby:Now watch this. Maeby, where are you off to on this glorious Sunday afternoon? — [She won't tell me.] — I'm going to audition for a play. — Well, that time it didn't work.

George Michael · Maeby · Narrator:Narrator reveals Maeby is auditioning to get closer to Steve Holt; George Michael is also auditioning to get closer to his cousin Maeby. Both characters ask 'And then we actually get to kiss, right?' / 'There's a kiss, right?'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'I'm surprised you tried out for this.' Maeby: 'Yeah. I just love the theater.' [immediately] 'I'm just doing it to kiss Steve Holt. Well actually, I think I'm gonna quit. Yeah, theater's dead.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'I'm not [in the play]. I quit.' Maeby: 'George Michael!' — then immediately: 'Wait, no. I love the theater and I gave my word, so I'm back in.'

Tobias · Maeby · George Michael:George Michael quits the play, then learns Maeby has now been cast as a man. Maeby: 'So you want me to play the man?' Tobias: 'Yes. Don't you see? I cast the parts all wrong. It was Daddy's fault.'

Maeby · Tobias:Maeby: 'I still get to kiss Steve, right?' Tobias: 'It's gonna be a huge disaster. I'll get you tickets.'

George Michael · Maeby · Steve Holt:George Michael watches Maeby kiss Steve Holt onstage — the kiss he wanted — being performed by the person he wanted to kiss, with the person he was almost forced to kiss.

Maeby · Steve Holt:Maeby after kissing Steve Holt: 'You smell like my mom.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Maeby · George Michael:Lindsay and Tobias bicker about his career change; Tobias says: 'I have needs, you know.' / Lindsay: 'And how am I not addressing your needs?' — followed by escalating arguing in front of their daughter, then: 'Okay, kids, Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.' / Kids: 'Can we come?' / Lindsay: 'Sorry. It's not for kids.'

Lindsay · Tobias · George Michael · Maeby:Okay, kids, Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream. Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael and Maeby tail Lindsay and Tobias in the Bluth Company stairway truck. Maeby: 'How are they gonna see us?' George Michael: 'It says Bluth Company right on the side. Plus, it's a stairway. That's gonna catch the eye.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'I'm not saying I don't care like kids who say they don't when they do... 'cause I don't.' / Maeby: 'How could you not?' / George Michael: 'You know, our family's really messed up.' / Maeby: 'I know. We're the only normal ones.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael and Maeby hug. Hug goes on. George Michael narrates the hug internally: 'Sometimes I don't know if it's gonna be a long or short hug or a middle-medium hug. It's hard to tell sometimes. That was a good hug. That's plenty for now. Hug's gotta end sometime, obviously.'

George Michael · Maeby · Theater Employee:We have got to see this movie. / Excuse me, kids? Can I see your I.D.'s?

George Michael · Maeby · Theater Employee:George Michael and Maeby sneak back into Les Cousins Dangereux. / Excuse me. You're too young to be holding that ticket. / Let's go. / I can't go to jail. / Let's just watch cartoons.

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'George Michael was finally moving beyond his crush on Maeby and felt happy to have a cousin he could just see a movie with. It was a love between two cousins that the world thought was wrong. But it was the world that was wrong.'

George Michael · Maeby · AARP Man:George Michael and Maeby try to get into a movie. They are carded and turned away. Cut to: they are watching the movie with an elderly audience after an old man used his AARP card to get them in as 'guests.'

George Michael · Maeby · AARP Man · Ticket Collector:'On the next Arrested Development': George Michael and Maeby sneak back into 'Les Cousins Dangereux.' The ticket collector tells an elderly AARP member that they 'will not be starting Les Cousins Dangereux until you leave.' The AARP man protests his card covers 'one and a guest.'

Narrator · Maeby · George Michael:George Michael had been trying to prove to Maeby that he was macho, after an embarrassing brush with her. 'Your legs look exactly like mine, and I just shaved mine.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay's punishment for Maeby: working for Gangy (Lucille). Maeby's horrified reaction.

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael tries to fix the TV: 'Oh, yeah, I tried that earlier. I think it's still hooked up to the prison.' 'So when those guys kept saying, "Hey, you, boy," that was me? I was the boy?'

George Michael · Maeby:Maeby tells George Michael that going to Milford means they won't be at the same high school. George Michael: 'Man, it just keeps getting worse.' Maeby: 'But he's my Dad. I don't want to disappoint him.' George Michael: 'Man. You and I are so different. It's like we're not even related.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'That'd be amazing.' — responding to George Michael's 'It's like we're not even related.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael gives Maeby the 'Maybe Tonight' candy heart, calling it a 'one-in-a-million thing' that 'made me think of you.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay to Maeby: 'Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.' — immediately undercut by: 'Mom, please. He's got a big-boy crush on Action Jackson.'

George Michael · Maeby:I know he was dating that girl Shannon. The cheerleader? / Yeah, she's probably gonna take him to that stupid diversity dance. I wish I had someone shocking to take.

Maeby · George Michael:You know, maybe we should go together. / Right, I mean, it's a bad example... I... But should we?

Maeby · Annyong · George Michael:So we're related. / Hey, wanna go to a dance? / Oh, great, another uncle to compete with.

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby to George Michael about Michael: 'I guess he just likes work more than he likes you.'

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:Lindsay and Maeby arrive at 'Nana's' — it's not Nana. 'A fact that took Lindsay and Maeby an hour and a half to ascertain.'

Lindsay · Maeby:'Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album!' / 'We're not in the photo album!' / 'Drop the pie!'

George Michael · Maeby · Michael:Michael asks George Michael how the weather is — George Michael answers 'Nice. Sunny.' — then Maeby plants the idea to sneak on the yacht without Michael noticing

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'The only real way to find out how it's done is to sneak on the boat while he does it.' / George Michael: 'But if he makes it disappear, won't everyone see me standing there?' / 'Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.'

Maeby · Michael:Maeby: 'Um, well, if he's not here, I'd just have to say he's probably on the yacht.'

Maeby · Tutor:Maeby's school test where she wrote 'S. Fünke' — tutor explains that 'S' means single, not her name initial

Maeby · Tutor:Maeby pays the tutor $120 (six $20s) claiming it's $200 — and the tutor notices but lets it go

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby has an 'A' on a test she clearly didn't earn — she's been paying her own tutor and collecting the money

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael discovers Maeby has been running a fake sick twin scam at school fund-raisers as 'Surely Fünke'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby's fake illness charity 'B.S.' — 'Not a lot of kids have B.S. these days. What does that stand for? I don't know. It's B.S.'

Maeby:I figure I'll kill her off just before graduation. Just so everyone gets really sad before prom.

Maeby:Surely Fünke address the crowd: 'Not just to me, but to all handicapped kids out there who are sick and tired of sitting in the front rows at basketball games.'

Maeby · Crowd · George Michael:And he will carry on my legacy and put an end to B.S. / Surely can beat this thing. / No more B.S. No more B.S.

George Michael · Maeby:Maeby: 'Yeah, but I think punctuality is slightly different from rhythm.' / George Michael: 'No, it's not. It's the exact same thing. It's knowing how long things take.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'I'm just doing this because if my parents split up, it's a lot more work for me. When they get along, I get tons more alone time.'

Maeby:Maeby reads the new Euphorazine side effects list and reacts to 'Delayed irritability': 'What do they mean by delayed?' — then immediately snaps: 'It means it comes later! This is ridiculous! Why do we even have to do this?'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael's elaborate theory: 'He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunnelled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candy apple on his way to Mexico!'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'Of course!' (sarcastically, after George Michael's candy apple theory) — then George Michael: 'You're mocking me.' Maeby: 'Of course.'

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby: 'Hey, isn't this the same sign you used to picket the cable company when they dropped the Style Network?' Lindsay: 'Actually, I used this one for Michael when he was too cheap to pay for the premium channels. But I added the bit about the stylists.'

Maeby · Lindsay · George Michael:Maeby tries to tell Lindsay about seeing Pop-Pop: 'You know that secret you have? The one about the hair that nobody's supposed to see? Hai...' Lindsay: 'I saw it.' George Michael: 'I saw Pop-Pop.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'He might need us to help him, so we should go check out the prison and make sure he's not there.' Maeby: 'Oh. Hey, you know, I got cable. You won that one!'

George Sr. · George Michael · Maeby:George Sr. at prison: 'Don't you think that if I got out of here, I might want to go home?' George Michael and Maeby: 'That's what we thought. But then my dad told us about that lemon grove you bought, and we thought you were going there.'

Maeby · George Sr.:Maeby: 'We would never blow the whistle on family.' George Sr.: 'What lemon grove?'

Maeby · Tobias · Therapy Patient:Maeby completes Tobias's therapy patient's sentence: '...HOMOSEXUAL.'

Gob · Narrator · Maeby:The tape shows Gob's magic act failing — 'The only thing this guy could make fly away was the crowd.' DOUCHE CHILL.

Maeby:Maeby: 'Shoplifting? Cool. Can you take me?'

Michael · Maeby:Michael and Maeby's honesty bet: 'I would like to see if you could go one day without telling a lie. Just one whole day without being like your mom.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Good night.' — after Michael offers his respect as a reward for honesty

Michael · Maeby:Maeby: 'Fine. I'll do it if you do it.' / Michael: 'That-a-girl. This is gonna be fun. I win.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'So you killed Kitty, huh?'

Michael · Maeby · Detective:Michael arrives at police station with Maeby; detective: 'I didn't know you had a daughter.' Michael: 'I don't.' Maeby: 'I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy?'

Maeby:Maeby watches the Gob spring break tape and gets 'douche chills' herself — 'Why do I keep getting these bruises?' (a third deployment of 'douche chill')

Barry · Michael · Maeby:Barry: 'I do think that we should lie.' / Michael: 'We don't lie in this family.' Maeby's soda errand used to avoid her hearing Michael lie

Maeby:Maeby lies her way into the detective's office: 'No, it's okay. I'm Detective Fellows's daughter.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'I said there's a tape of Kitty getting on the boat and that you guys blew it up. I told them the truth, like you told me.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'I'd save your money. Kitty's got a lot of evidence and she thinks you tried to kill her. So you're probably going to need a better attorney.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'This book is gonna sell, like, a billion copies.'

Maeby · George Michael:Next season preview: Maeby suggests she and George Michael should kiss again 'to teach them a lesson about obvious.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Have you told your girlfriend, Bland. I mean Ann? Right.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Because under her school picture it said Not pictured.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'They printed a retraction in the Spring supplement, and she was really looking forward to seeing me in my Uncle Sam outfit in that Get Out the Vote assembly tomorrow.' Maeby: 'Wasn't that supposed to be before the election?' George Michael: 'Yeah, they had to postpone it when that foreign exchange student parked too close to the gym.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'I'd do it. I'd play Uncle Sam. Better than part I have now — Guy who ordered strike on Pearl Harbor.'

Michael · Maeby · Narrator:Michael and Maeby conversation: Michael thinks they're talking about Ann; Maeby thinks they're talking about Lindsay. Narrator: 'At no point were Michael and Maeby talking about the same person.'

Maeby:Maybe we could get Ice to cater it or something — I don't know what I'm saying!

Lindsay · Maeby:My father's dead, Maeby. / Yeah, but you're not, and Ice is right there.

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby tells Lindsay that 'All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy' — Lindsay: 'You're right. I'm gonna throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay's eulogy: Maeby whispers 'Wipe, Mom. Give it a wipe.' / 'That's a home run.'

Narrator · Maeby · Steve Holt:Narrator: 'At that moment, Lindsay's daughter Maeby was in the process of wooing her own man.' / Maeby's delivery boy arrives. 'Who is it?' / 'Steve Holt!'

Steve Holt · Maeby:Steve Holt on Maeby: 'Is this your sister?' Maeby: 'No...' Steve: 'But you just made my day.' / Maeby orders 'Memories of Thanksgiving' basket just to see Steve.

Lindsay · Maeby · Steve Holt:Lindsay arrives at school to spend time with Maeby, meets Steve Holt. Lindsay: 'After all, hasn't been that long since I've been in high school.' Steve: 'Is that a fire?' Students: 'We have to go to class.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay to Steve and Maeby: 'Maybe later we can all spend a little more time together, go shopping, get a drink.' / Maeby: 'I'm in school, and I'm 15.' Lindsay: 'Oh, well, I'm much, much, much older than 15.'

George-Michael · Maeby · Steve Holt:George-Michael to Maeby about Lindsay: 'Wow, your Mom's pretty, uh, out there.' Maeby: 'She's not my mom.' Steve: 'But she said you were her daughter.' Maeby: 'His daughter. That's my dad.' Steve: 'That's a dude?' Maeby: 'And the worst part is he thinks he's passing.'

George-Michael · Narrator · Maeby:George-Michael to Gob about Lindsay: 'She's on her way to meet Steve Holt.' George-Michael: 'I do; I'm crazy about him. But he's obsessed with her. That's all he wants to talk about.' / Narrator: 'Lindsay felt bad... But she would have felt worse if she'd remained even a moment longer. But it's only because he thinks she's got a penis. Oh, I told him she was a tranny.'

Maeby · Lindsay:But it's only because he thinks she's got a penis. / Oh, I told him she was a tranny.

Lindsay · Maeby:On the Next — Maeby gives Lindsay a gift; Lindsay is touched. Maeby: 'I was hoping we could go to dinner tonight.' Lindsay: 'Oh, I thought you were going to go see Steve Holt at school.' Maeby: 'No, I just wanted to check him out and make sure he's good enough for my daughter.' Lindsay: 'Is it...?' Maeby: 'It's a "Sheh-ma-lee." It's gorgeous. I'm wearing it to dinner.'

Maeby:Maeby explaining why she's at the banana stand: 'My mom signed me out of school early, so then she wouldn't have to pick me up later, so then she wouldn't be late for the Christmas party.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay on the Christmas party: 'It is the worst Christmas party I've ever been to in my life.' Maeby: 'Yep, like my last ten years.'

Michael · Maeby:Michael and Maeby sing 'Afternoon Delight' as a duet — a cheerful karaoke performance of a song with explicit sexual lyrics, neither realizing the content. Intercut with Lindsay and George Michael each feeling abandoned.

Tobias · Maeby:'Confidence Man Two.' 'Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man.' 'No. Confidence Man Two is my character.'

Tobias · Maeby:And besides, don't you have school? No. Um — [chuckles] — Today is 'Help Your Dad Follow His Dream' day.

Tobias · Maeby:[At the studio gate] — Damn it! — Dad, you're auditioning for the part of a confidence man. Let's try a little confidence.

Tobias · Actor · Maeby:You say confidence man? Hey, I'm up for that part too. — Oh. — Good luck to you. — Good luck to you too.

Maeby · Film Executive:Sorry, is this your office? — No. I'm just sitting behind someone else's desk pretending these are my kids.

Maeby · Reader:Can you get Jude Law in here for a meeting? — Oh, I'm just a reader. — A reader? — Yeah. — I need a report by tomorrow. Before gym-lunch... with Jim... Carrey.

Film Executive · Maeby:You're the Fünke everyone's talking about? What are you, like, 15? — Marry me. [chuckles] — Everyone thinks I look young too.

Maeby · Film Executive:Jude Law. Why do you ask? — Yeah. Go young. Young Guy and the Sea. Big spring-breaker. Four C.G.I. the fish. Let's fast-track this one.

Maeby · Film Executive:It's all waxed up. / All waxed up? What do you mean? / I need something. A job for my dad. / Yeah, yeah. Sure. Okay. / Listen to me. Brand new cars don't get waxed!

Maeby · Film Executive:It's all waxed up. — All waxed up? What do you mean? — I need something. A job for my dad. — Yeah, yeah. Sure. Okay. — Listen to me. Brand new cars don't get waxed!

Film Executive · Andy Richter · Tobias · Maeby:[On the Next Arrested Development] Maeby gets her father a job. — I gotta fire one of ya. Andy Richter! Here are those head shots I was telling you about. — Yeah. I gotta go. — It's Tobias Fünke. I told you about the head shots?

Maeby:Maeby deflecting her boss's flirtation with 'Yeah. Why don't we ask your wife to come with us?'

Maeby:Maeby drops a script on herself while reading secretly. 'Ow! Back to film school-'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael explains he wrote notes on Maeby's scripts. Maeby: 'They were great. I mean, they said so many things I wanted to say, but I didn't know how.' George Michael: 'Don't tell anyone, okay?' 'Never.'

Maeby · Ann · George Michael:Maeby: 'Great party! I burned like 10 CDs from somebody's MP3 player.' Ann: 'This is a disaster.' George Michael: 'Maybe you should just try listening to some of the music. Some of the artists are kind of talented. I don't know if you've heard of the Jerky Boys...'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael is nervous about being 'on his third Virgin Mary,' not realizing there's no alcohol in it.

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias: 'We had to create our little Frankenstein monster out of science and money and just a dash of—' [notices Maeby] 'Maeby, what— h-how long have you been standing there?'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'I know how to get rid of Ann. You put her in a room with Gangy. She'll criticize her away.' George Michael: 'But what would Gangy have to criticize about Ann?'

Maeby:Maeby on the film set: 'What on earth is taking so long? Am I the only one who wants to get home and see their kids?' — a teenage girl who is herself a neglected child.

Film Crew · Maeby · Gob:Film crew on the camera boat: 'Why are there cats in the shot? This is the camera boat. Can you lose the [bleep] cats please?' [Maeby appears]

Gob · Maeby:Gob tells Maeby: 'I think I'm responsible for Buster's hand.' Maeby: 'Yeah, and I'm responsible for an $80-million movie without an ending.' Gob: 'I know those problems seem big when you're a kid, Maeby.'

George Michael · Michael · Maeby · Narrator:George Michael: 'What? Why? Because I'd miss school?' / Michael: 'No.' / George Michael: 'You get to miss school for that?' / Narrator: 'And that's when Maeby decided to become a devout Christian.'

Maeby · Michael:Maeby: 'Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the "T" on it?' / Michael: 'That's a cross.' / Maeby: 'Across from where?'

Maeby · Buster · Narrator:Maeby tells a campfire horror story: 'Knock, scrape. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call!' / Buster appears: 'Hey, campers.' / Kids scream. / 'I'm a monster!'

Maeby · Michael:Maeby learns about her parents' separation from Michael by accident and says: 'Maybe I should just start keeping some secrets of my own.'

Maeby · Michael:Maeby to Michael: 'Marry me!' then immediately: 'I'm so sorry. I forgot who I was talking to.'

Tobias · Maeby:Mrs. Featherbottom gives Maeby 'fun-fun' (phen-phen): 'Now take your fun-fun.' / Maeby: 'This is my mom's. And it's Phen-phen. And it's been banned by the FDA.'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom: 'I'm sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.' / Maeby: 'Not enough to be honest with me.'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom to Maeby: 'I'm sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.'

Maeby:Yeah. And if I don't get your report on it, I won't be able to pass.

Maeby:Maybe we just need a new- [Bleeps] housekeeper.

Tobias · Maeby:[Tobias attempts an entrance to enchant his daughter] [Singing In Falsetto] / Ohhhh! / We shan't be telling your mother this, shan't we?

Studio Executive · Maeby:I can't read what you wrote on this buck slip. You've got the handwriting of a 15-year-old. / Fifteen-year-old. Marry me!

Guard · Maeby:Boy, you get a lot of mail from that movie studio. / I write a lot of letters to movie stars. / You seem a little old for that. / Babysit me.

Guard · Maeby:That place seems so old for you. / I'll send Dr. Epstein your compliments. / And may I add, marry me.

Maeby · Michael:Who's the hottie? / This is Ann's mother. / Her?

Maeby:Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace's mom?

Maeby:Maeby: 'Maybe I should just start keeping some secrets of my own.' (to camera)

Maeby · Michael:'Marry me.' / 'I'm so sorry. I forgot who I was talking to.'

Maeby:'That's like comparing apples and some fruit nobody's ever heard of.'

Maeby:'He might even finish after the Indian kid.'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias (as Mrs. Featherbottom) singing to Maeby off-key, presenting her mother's banned fen-phen as 'Fun-fun': 'Oh! Well. You should always read the label'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias/Phyllidia takes a pill from Maeby — Maeby explains it's her mom's fen-phen, 'banned by the FDA'

Maeby · Tobias:Maeby clocks that 'Mrs. Featherbottom' calls her 'he' and says 'Mr. Fingerbottom?' — then is immediately shut down

Maeby:Maeby: 'Not enough to be honest with me.'

Narrator · Maeby:Narrator: 'It wasn't great, and Maeby knew it.' — Maeby works at the studio that made the American remake of 'Dangerous Cousins'

Maeby · Studio Executive:'But it's only 71 minutes long.' / 'And it's only, like, 63 minutes long.'

Maeby · George Michael:'So bring Ann.' / 'No, that's not her kind of thing.' / 'I mean, if it maintains any of the complex eroticism of the French original anyway.'

Maeby:'I like the way they think.' — Maeby, responding to George Michael's 'complex eroticism' comment

Maeby · Lindsay:'I don't know if we're supposed to use-' — cut off by Maeby with news about the premiere

Maeby:Maeby: 'All the press actually made the premiere a hit. There's lines for the next show.'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'And that's when George Michael finally got close to Maeby — who, by the way, might not be his biological cousin.'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'They'd since been trying to avoid each other, which was difficult considering they shared a bunk bed.'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'The kids found themselves closer than ever on the bumpy road to Reno.'

George Michael · Maeby · Lindsay:George Michael and Maeby discuss finishing the half-kiss 'to get it out of the way' — then Lindsay arrives: 'Kids, bring the bags. We're sharing a room.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby finds someone to help her forget her cousin — it turns out to be her cousin George Michael. 'Stood up.' 'Yeah, me too.' 'Wanna make out?' 'Yeah, sure. Why not?'

Maeby:Maeby: 'There's no such thing as an inner beauty pageant. They're just gonna pick the chick with the best T and A.'

Lindsay · Maeby:Lindsay doesn't know where Maeby's hair came from. Maeby: 'Shameless Plugs, on Placentia. They're not licensed, which means big savings.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby's pageant disguise: the Nicole Kidman prosthetic nose from The Hours, purchased by Jamie Kennedy at a charity auction for $10,000

Maeby:It's Surely. I'm just here to prove that all these pageants care about is looks. Just watch, Surely's inner beauty will get trumped by her outer icky.

Pageant Official · Maeby:Pageant official: 'Miss Woolfbeak, although it costs quite a bit to put in a ramp for you, we got approval. You're in.' — accepting Maeby's disguise because she appears disabled

Maeby:Maeby (as Surely Woolfbeak) at the pageant Q&A: 'How has God influenced your life?' — 'About just as much as Big Bird and the Keebler elves.'

Maeby · Pageant Audience:Maeby reveals she can walk — standing up to give her crown to Ann — and the pageant audience mistakes it for a miracle: 'She can stand! The Lord's blessed her!'

Unnamed exec · Maeby:But didn't some people die in Hell Tunnel? — That is an urban legend. Two elderly people got badly scalded when they tried to climb into the lava cauldron, but I've got that covered.

Maeby:Just like the poster!

Maeby:Oh! Me!@%s are wet.

Narrator · Maeby:And Maeby received a call about the latest lava cauldron accident. Already? It's only been an hour.

Maeby:I'm gonna lose this job. Maybe I should let Mort take me out to dinner.

Maeby:Well, that was a freebie.

Maeby · Rita:Maeby's screenplay dilemma: 'He's in L.A., she's in Japan. How do I get these two characters together?' Rita: 'Maybe they could walk.' Maeby: 'Across the ocean?' Rita: 'If it's not too deep.'

Maeby · Rita:Maeby: 'No, deep is good. People are going to say, What the hell just happened? I better say I like it. Cause nobody wants to seem stupid.' Rita: 'I like it.' The Ocean Walker.

Maeby:Maeby: 'Holy crap, that's going to look good on a hat.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Okay. Well, I'll have to go stop production on The Ocean Walker.'

Maeby · George Michael:You're a reader. How'd you like to read something fun that we could talk about on the way to the prison gala? / Well, this might change your mind. / Is that a screenplay?

George Michael · Maeby · Narrator:'Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.' / It's a line from New Warden. / Oh. Oh! Okay, yeah. / I don't know what I was worried about. / That would be the happiest moment George Michael would ever experience in his life.

Maeby · George Michael:'Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.' / It's a line from New Warden. / Oh. Oh! Okay, yeah.

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:George Michael gets closer to his family. / That was close, huh, Maeby? / Oh, she's in the next cell. / Looks like we're gonna be sharing a cell all night, cuz. / George Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.

Narrator · Maeby · Lucille:That night, Maeby, displaced by Buster, heard a noise. / Hello? George Michael? / I'm thirsty. / And Maeby knew she had found her blood-sucking creature.

Mort Myers · Maeby:Ah! Oh, it's terrifying! / Who did that for you, Industrial Light and Magic? / Kopelson Plastic and Silicon. / Did he do Land of the Dead?

Lucille · Maeby · Mort Myers:I'm thirsty... / Gangee. / We should start production on Gangee 2. / Well, I know she wanted a skin peel.

Maeby:Okay, first of all, Variety got it wrong, all right? We didn't even want this project. It was a co-finance with Miramax then, poof, Miramax is gone and we're still on the hook, and it turns out Jamie Kennedy can't even snowboard.

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:And that's when he decided it was time to cheat off of her. / It also gave him an opportunity to smell her neck.

Tobias · Maeby:Now what we do is we paint our lips Joan Crawford red, pop on a little blue eyeliner... / Why the blue eyeliner? / Well, she felt that her eyes were too close together.

Maeby · George Michael · Narrator:We'd have to kiss. Wouldn't that be kind of weird after what we've been through? / Well, that was a long time ago. / It had been two months since they'd kissed.

Narrator · Maeby:And Maeby did the thing she had always thought was so corny... / I can't do this. I can't do this. / ...and ran away.

George Michael · Maeby:Well, you know, the Torah tells us that the larger wrong is to put our own feelings before the commitments we've made. You know, towards the sick, aged and gross. / That's not in the Torah.

Maeby · George Michael:You mean we're married? / No. It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean anything. / We should shred it. / It's creeping me out. / Yeah. Me... / But, if we just put it over the dresser, like we think it's a joke, and we would always know... / It is a joke. / I know. Unless we get it framed.

George Michael · Maeby:Hey, I thought tonight we could pop in (bleep) in the old DVD player and sit and watch it maybe just the two of us, husband and wife? / I'm just kidding. / The State of California isn't, but... / You know, that's what makes it funny.

Maeby · George Michael:What the hell is that? / I bought you a weddingring... tone.

Narrator · Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'Actually, he'd already told her about it.' — immediately after Michael says he's planning a 'surprise' party for Maeby.

Maeby:Maeby says 'Would it kill her to let some vodka go bad?' about Lucille, then catches herself: 'Oh, no, vodka doesn't...'

Maeby:Maeby: 'You know, it's my birthday in a week and I bet you they don't even know. They forget every year. I should just move out.'

Buster · Maeby:Buster tells Maeby about the surprise party immediately, saying 'They wouldn't forget your 16th birthday.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael's 'surprise' party for Maeby has zero guests. Maeby: 'Yeah, that's what I figured.' George Michael: 'I really sorry they didn't come. I don't know what happened.' Maeby: 'I do. They found out I was 16. And a lot of us just didn't want to drive down to Orange County.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'This cost me my job, George Michael. I was a studio executive. I made movies.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'You know what, I'm a kid. I'm going to start acting like one.' George Michael: 'What, you're going to drink?'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'But they didn't know it was the fake wine from Gob's magic show.' — as George Michael and Maeby happily drink.

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'And perhaps it was the fake wine, but that was the night George Michael and Maeby went to second base.'

Tobias · Maeby:'On the Next Arrested Development' tag: Tobias gives Maeby a scrapbook with 'a picture of your mother pregnant' and 'a whole series of your head starting to crown.'

Tobias · Maeby · Lindsay:And there you are, Maeby, coming out of your mother's third base.

George Michael · Maeby:You're not sleeping in here now. / What, so we can make out every night? / Does that not work for your schedule?

Michael · George Michael · Maeby:Keep in mind, we are building something for our kids... it's also for George Michael and Maeby's kids too. / We can't have kids! / It's not even an option really.

Studio Executive · Maeby:Fire you? Are you kidding? I've already gotten 10 requests for the TV rights to your story.

Maeby · Buster:Maeby trying to get people to sign her TV release forms by calling it a petition to make TV better.

Maeby:Well, that was a freebie.

Lindsay · Tobias · Maeby:The Thanksgiving flashback/reference: a live duck wandered into the house, the family chased it into the oven — 'This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever.' / 'It's a miracle!'

Maeby · Lindsay:Of course you're here. I should've known you'd be supporting this right-wing, dangerous crackpot. / No, no. I am here undercover with my boyfriend. We are gonna take down Love with a random act of senseless nonviolence.

Maeby · Lindsay · Narrator:Maeby felt a foreign feeling. / I actually respect that. / Which is why, for the first time in her adult life... / So what are you doing here? / ...Maeby was totally honest with her mother. / I'm getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business. / I tried. Tell your therapist I tried.

Herbert Love · Maeby:...perhaps we can engage in some sexual congress. / Although that's a total giveaway, right?

Maeby:I don't know what this nut was protesting tonight. I thought you were supposed to be sticking it to the man, not the other way around.

Maeby · Lindsay:Are you really going to whore yourself out like that? / I am not a whore. / Yeah, you're a whore. / I am not a whore.

Maeby · Lindsay:Yeah, well, the bags are certainly a surprise. / You're not thinking of moving in, are you? / What? No. / Yeah, because I don't think Dad would be cool with it. / No, of course not. / Yeah. / Is he in? / No.

Lindsay · Maeby:Oh, what happened there? / Kids or people who like kids.

Maeby · Lindsay:Oh, of course, that's why you were giving Herbert Love a little you time last night. / You were flirting with him to get Marky out of jail. / Well, yeah, that is what I should have been do- what I did, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what I should have and did do.

Narrator · Maeby · Perfecto:Narrator introduces 'Perfecto Telles' as the boy Maeby is dating, and she rewards him for doing her English homework 'even though English was his second language.'

Maeby · Perfecto:'And if you do my Spanish, I'll teach you how to French.'

Maeby · Perfecto:Perfecto and Maeby reveal their failing test scores: '38.' '43, but that's because I'm good with numb— oh, no, actually it's 34.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'Are you kidding me? What kind of loser spends his free time tutoring high school kids?' Cut to George Michael.

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael and Maeby recognize each other. He says 'I thought you were the girl. I'm supposed to tutor a kid from...' 'High school, yeah, that's me.'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'George Michael found the girl he now had to back away from on her back.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby is lying on the floor to get her parents to notice her. She says she's been there 'for, like, an hour and a half.' Narrator: 'It had been seven minutes.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael suggests: 'Do you think it would help if I went over and said, like, "Hey, Maeby's dead"?' Maeby: 'No, that would just mean that they notice you.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'Where's that from?' Maeby: 'It's from nothing.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'Why don't you cough or something?' Maeby: 'Oh, right, like I'm dying.' Then she begins coughing dramatically while the song plays on. 'There's nothing keeping us together. I believe we're thinking the same thing.'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:George Michael is about to end things, Maeby thinks he wants to get more serious. Narrator reveals Maeby didn't want that — 'George Michael wasn't a very good kisser' — then launches into an extremely clinical anatomical description of his bad kissing technique.

Maeby:Maeby: 'And that doesn't make me hotter to you?'

Maeby:Maeby: 'So first my parents don't notice that I drowned, and now my cousin doesn't care that I'm at the height of my sexuality.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'We're a couple of, uh, forces of nature.' Maeby: 'What?' George Michael: 'Forces of nature.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'That's a great idea. I've got two whole months to flunk. That's got to disappoint them.'

Maeby · Film Crew Member:On the Gangie film set in India: 'Do we have to pay them in money or in rice?' 'If they're in the union, you have to pay with rice.'

Film Crew Member · Maeby:'Gangie on the Ganges? That doesn't even make sense.'

Maeby · Film Crew Member:Hair and makeup question: 'Pretty makeup or scary makeup?' 'Scary.' 'I think we have the crew that did The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby tries to insult Lindsay: 'Don't you think it makes you seem a little, um, what is that saying, full of (bleep)?' Narrator: 'Thank you, Maeby, that's actually a compliment in India.' 'My own fault.'

Maeby:Maeby re-enrolling for her senior year: 'Going back to school. Senior year!' No one in her family reacts. 'No? No one cares?'

Maeby:'We're not moving in; we're occupying a space with central air.'

Maeby:'That is it — this is like living in 1999.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby explains she's still in high school to get her parents to notice her: 'Let them think, "Oh no, should we be worried? Is she really that immature?"' George Michael: 'Yeah. Well, isn't it kind of a little immature to try and make your parents worry like that?' Maeby: 'Oh, that's good — I'm gonna try and work that in there.'

George Michael · Maeby · Michael:Michael shows up as George Michael's uncle; Maeby says 'Didn't say it was your cousin.' George Michael: 'Now, that's smart, let him think there's a girl in here.'

Student 1 · Student 2 · Maeby:On the bus back to high school, students ask if she wants to get high. Then: 'Can you imagine what kind of loser pretends to be in high school when they're in their 20s?' 'Well, it's pretty gutsy, right? I mean, it's better to take the risk, right?' 'Yeah, maybe you're right.' 'Yeah, maybe you're right.' 'Cop.'

Maeby · Bartender:Maeby at the bar asks for a Macallan 12 neat, water back. Bartender asks for ID. She says 'Can we make it — marry me — a Wild Turkey?' as if changing the order absolves her of ID requirements.

Maeby · Bartender:Bartender: 'I'm supposed to believe you're 17?' Maeby: 'Oh, no, sorry. That's my fake for sneaking back into high school. Here we go — 23.'

Bartender · Maeby:Bartender recognizes Maeby: 'Oh, you're Maeby. Well, you can have one, but you got quite a bar tab.'

Maeby · Kitty Sanchez · George Michael:Maeby: 'George Michael, Kitty Sanchez.' Then Kitty: 'Drinks for the house.' 'This guy?' 'These guys are making a fortune off that "To Entrap a Local Predator" show they're on.' 'Were. Won't let us shoot in Laguna.'

Maeby:Maeby notices Perfecto talking to someone at the bar: 'So, you fitting in over there at the high school? They accepting you?' Maeby: 'He's a cop.'

Barry · Maeby:Barry the lawyer: 'After 21, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in the state of California. As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk.' 'What, do they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can't even see into the locker rooms from there.'

Barry · Maeby:Barry: 'Oh, well, that's easy. You get something incriminating on him.' Maeby: 'Yeah, well, maybe I'll just keep a record of it, too, so I can follow up with my own bill.' Barry: 'Oh, very good. You should be the lawyer. Very good. Pro bono.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby runs into an ostrich in heat at the penthouse. 'And she wouldn't even let me get a cat.'

Maeby:Maeby finds a check from 'Gangie for facelift — Mother.'

Maeby · Narrator:Check made out 'From Gangie for facelift' — 'Mother.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby: 'I'm getting an Opie?' Narrator: 'The only bigger honor would be having an award like that named after you, I guess.'

Donny Richter · Maeby:Teacher Donny Richter: 'What is it going to take to get you to focus? Are you on drugs? Because, from what I hear, there might be an undercover cop at this school.'

Maeby:'You know what? I think I will do better once I get a little Mexican in me.'

Maeby · George Michael:Narrator: 'Maeby got her cousin to drive her to the Opies so she could impress him with her achievements.' Cut to: 'Well, I'm going to go mingle with a bunch of 13-year-olds who think they can still play fifth grade.'

Mort Meyers · Maeby:Mort Meyers: 'They only give that award away to somebody after they die or, even worse, after your career is dead.' Maeby: 'Really?' Mort: 'Well, consider yourself lucky. They told you your career was over.'

Mort Meyers · Maeby:Mort: 'When they kick you out of the business, save face by starting your own Internet company.' Maeby: 'You started an Internet company?' Mort: 'It's called Schnoodle.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'Fakeblock is just a software I'm developing. The whole point is that it's private. So you can't be telling people about it.' Maeby: 'No, we got to tell people about it. I just got a lifetime achievement award. I'm finished.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'Also, I think you should consider calling it "The" Fakeblock. It's cleaner.' George Michael: 'Like "The Netflick."'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'What, you think they invite the animals and ask them to wait while they build the zoo? No, that would be a bloodbath.' George Michael: 'Yeah, a total (bleep) bloodbath.'

Maeby · Narrator · George Michael:Maeby: 'Come on, this could be my only chance to be a Harris.' George Michael: 'A Harris?' Maeby: 'All right, fine.' Narrator: 'Oh, heiress. You meant... You don't pronounce the "H."' Maeby: 'I pronounce the "H."' Narrator: 'No, but that's not how the word is...' Maeby: 'You know, we say words the way we say them for a reason.'

Maeby · Rebel Alley:Maeby: 'This is actually the opposite of Facebook. It's the antisocial network.' Rebel: 'It prevents piracy, right?' Maeby: 'Really?'

Maeby · Perfecto:Maeby tries to entrap Perfecto as a predator: 'I may only be 17, Perfecto, but I know you're a cop.' Perfecto: 'Yeah, there it is, that cop stare.' Maeby: 'I got to tell you, I find it very sexy.'

Maeby:Mort at the Opies accepts his award: 'Thank you, Kirk Cameron, for that incredibly Bibley introduction.'

Maeby:Maeby's Opie speech devolves into a profanity-filled declaration of starting Fakeblock: 'Tie yourself to your chair, because this is going to be a rough (bleep) ride. I'm leaving this (bleep) dying business to join the software game. Double (bleep) newsflash. I'm starting Fakeblock with George Maharis...' escalating through multiple 'go (bleep) yourself' statements, ending with 'Please welcome the talented voices of Phineas and Ferb.'

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby to Lindsay: 'Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that?' Lindsay: 'I am not a whore.' Maeby: 'Yeah, you're a whore.'

Campaign Manager · Lindsay · Maeby:Campaign manager to Lindsay: 'Ma'am, is she yours?' Lindsay: 'Unfortunately.' Campaign manager: 'Herbert Love would like to see her.' Lindsay: 'You can arrange that?' Campaign manager: 'Obviously, discretion is appreciated.'

Campaign Manager · Maeby:Campaign Manager: 'And just to be clear, I want to hire her for prostitution.' Maeby: 'Yes, no, definitely. That was clear. I'm gonna charge you for that.'

Maeby:Maeby coaches Lindsay on seducing Herbert Love: 'Guys who are used to being charged — I mean in charge — sometimes like it when the other person takes control.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'What am I doing? This is disgusting. I've got money coming in.' — Her moral epiphany lasts exactly one sentence before being replaced by financial satisfaction.

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'She'll be the one driving the staircar from now on. It was part of the deal.' George Michael: 'You gave her my car?' Maeby: 'Yeah, it's technically hers anyways, 'cause of the Bluth Company.' George Michael: 'Oh.' 'But I did get you her 1988 yellow Cadillac.' 'Yeah?' 'She only uses it to and from hip replacements.' 'I guess that's only funny if you know who she is.'

Pest Control Worker · Maeby:Pest control worker mentions he used to date a guy named Steve Holt. Maeby reacts. Worker: 'Ha! Steve Holt!' — doing Steve Holt's signature self-celebration.

Maeby:Maeby reveals the Fakeblock office: a giant airplane hangar. 'When Fakeblock hits, we're going to have to ramp up real fast. This hangar can hold over 500 nerds!'

Maeby · Mort Meyers:Maeby hires Mort Meyers and makes him get her coffee: 'I'm a softie; I hired the guy. He's more like a mascot than anything. Mort, where's my coffee?' / 'Oh, damn. Oh, stupid Mort.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Cinco de Quatro is in two days. But we'll be doing it on a boat, so I hope you don't get seasick.'

Michael · Maeby:Maeby gets Michael to sign a document for 'a movie about the family.' Michael: 'Is that still happening?' Maeby: 'What do you mean?' Michael: 'I got to tell you, I think movies are dead. Maybe it's a TV show.'

Maeby · Perfecto:Perfecto punching Herbert Love — 'the little guy with the cigarette?' / 'No, the ripped black guy behind him.' / 'I just... I just didn't look up high enough.'

Perfecto · Maeby · Narrator:Perfecto: 'I'm a cop.' Maeby: 'But I saw your badge at the bar.' Perfecto: 'In fact, it was an anti-bullying badge. He'd received it from a police-run anti-bullying program at school. "You're never too old to stand up to a bully."'

Maeby:Maeby: 'I'm 23-year-old woman. If anyone found out that we already had sex, it would be a major felony.'

Perfecto · Narrator · Maeby:'But we messed around.' / 'Oh, they did more than that.' / 'Don't worry; nobody saw.' / 'Except Lucille 2.'

Donny Richter · Maeby:Donny Richter: 'Congratulations. You got your first A.' Maeby: 'Oh, thank God. This A is finally gonna get me out of high school.' Richter: 'No, sex offender, your A is going to jail.'

Maeby · Rocky Richter:Maeby: 'You can't arrest me; you're an algebra teacher.' Richter: 'Donny Richter is an algebra teacher. I'm Rocky Richter. I told you there was an undercover cop in this school.'

Maeby:Final line: 'Oh, God. I'm gonna have to live in Sudden Valley.'

George Michael · P-Hound · Maeby:George Michael's roommate is also interested in Maeby — he's wearing the same shirt as George Michael and Maeby compliments it on him, causing George Michael to realize he's been betrayed

George Michael · Narrator · Maeby:George Michael rehearses the fake-coincidence meeting with Maeby: 'Maeby, what are you doing here? As I live and breathe.' — narrator: 'But for the phrase, he nailed it.'

George Michael · Maeby:'Don't you need an education?' / 'Don't forget... I'm a Harris. Someone who "inharris" a lot of money.'

George Michael · Maeby:Maeby: 'X isn't a number.' — George Michael cannot resist correcting her even while trying to seduce her

George Michael · Maeby:After the algebra lesson, George Michael tries to return to the seduction: 'Therefore, when I say, "You and me in a bedroom, let's solve for X," I'm... I'm stating it as a kind of formula.' / 'Yeah, let's get wasted. Let's drink that formula.'

Maeby:Maeby is getting a 'lifetime achievement award' at a gala — she's still in high school

Maeby:Maeby: 'I can't bring any of my friends without getting permission slips from their parents.' — she's an adult receiving lifetime achievement awards but needs parental permission for her friends to attend

Maeby:'Yeah, 'cause you just betrayed yours, right?' — Maeby's casual observation that George Michael voted his dad out

Maeby:Maeby: 'I'm going to go mingle with a bunch of 13-year-olds who think they can still play fifth grade.'

Maeby:Maeby is pitching Fakeblock to investors at the gala: 'It's called Fakeblock, Mort. It's going to blow Schnoodle out of the water!'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'I trust you, George Michael. I would not get into bed with you on this thing if I didn't trust you.' / 'No. Yeah, of... of course you can trust me in bed.' / 'No, I mean, I trust you not to take advantage of me.' / 'No. I wouldn't. We would just lie there.'

Maeby · George Michael:'We'd just lie there? I mean, I'm talking about business.' / 'So am I. That's why we would just lie there.'

George Michael · Maeby:Maeby: 'We'd just lie there? I mean, I'm talking about business.' / George Michael: 'So am I. That's why we would just lie there.'

Maeby:'When you become an Internet billionaire, you could do whatever you want with me in bed.' — Maeby's offhand comment that makes George Michael change his mind about the lie

Maeby · George Michael:Oh, so much for apologizing. I'm telling you, he's moved on. Okay? You should, too.

Maeby · George Michael:Welcome to the shitty parents club. No, no, we don't have kids. No.

George Michael · Maeby · Narrator:Just the cousins. Mm-hmm. Which turned out to be... Primos! This crew.

Maeby · George Michael:I just know that you don't like standing up to people on horses with guns. No, I never really was that guy.

George Michael · Maeby:Fakeblock doesn't actually exist. Are you telling me that the software that's supposed to keep people's computers unhackable and keep any kind of information private doesn't exist? How did you find out? It was easy. I just looked in your computer under 'Secrets.'

George Michael · Maeby:Oh, you looked in my 'Please Don't Read' folder? No, that one was empty. I found it in 'Just Odds and Ends.' Great, you got past my double bluff.

George Michael · Maeby:Get going with my own goop. Goop? What is goop? If you have to ask, you probably don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I feel like maybe you don't know what it is. Maybe it's 'go-op'? To me, that would make less sense. Maybe that's what 'go-op' is. Not everything always making sense.

Maeby · Volunteer:So, you're trying to, like, teach them a lesson or...? We're volunteers. Who did you think the water was for? Oh. I thought you were just trying to get me to give you a higher Uber rating.

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:I'm running for Congress, and I don't have a campaign manager and I need you. / Maeby had never heard her mother this vulnerable. Yeah. Sounds great. I'm in.

Maeby · Narrator:Hey. It is hard to resist. Taking advantage of the vulnerable.

George Michael · Maeby:Hi... don't like it. / What? My hair? No, no, I like it. I just, uh, don't like that I'm just seeing it now.

George Michael · Maeby:I guess I was picturing you at 16. But I-I don't know why I... do that. But why did you do that?

Maeby:Well, truthfully... No, I'll just tell you the truth: it's a wig.

Maeby:Everything I've given her to do or say has only made her go up in the polls. It's like the more offensive it is, the more people get behind her.

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:She had her mother mock a reporter who had a speech problem... This so-called reporter from the Wee Guardian says I was right.

Reporter · Maeby:While shocking, the video seems to have only given her a big rise in the polls. It certainly had that effect on me. - Not necessary! - Don't sack me.

Maeby · George Michael:Yeah. That's why I came up with the idea for us to kiss. / So the kissing is part of a plan?

Maeby:And then, I open my mouth, and I have these rotted out meth teeth. And I'm like, 'Then why do I gotta my cousin for some meth money, Mom?' You know, or something like that.

Maeby:That's what the seniors do to keep the young people away. They don't want 'dot-commers' taking over.

Maeby:Oh, my God, I've become my father. ♪ In the most delicious way! ♪

George Michael · Maeby:I didn't want to say anything, but I was like, 'Maeby looks like a 65-year-old.' What if I told you I was 75? Holy shit.

Maeby:It's the teeth. It's the same guy who's doing my meth teeth, you know, for the family of the year thing.

Maeby · George Michael:Where I write a speech for my mom, she talks about how great I am, then... Then you open your mouth and you're like, 'So why do I have to turn tricks for meth money?'

Maeby:I mean, when people catch on, they either forget or they die.

Maeby:Of course, what is there to steal? A few barstools and some family pictures? Anyway, that's how I got those barstools and all these great pictures of grandkids.

Narrator · Maeby · Stan Sitwell:But whom Maeby did not. [Recognition of Stan Sitwell] Hello.

Maeby:I am her. Sister. I am her sister. You're going the wrong way. Annette? Great idea. Do you think they have one? Have what? Annette. Yes, that's me.

Maeby:Lost all my personal paperwork in Hurricane Cantina.

Maeby:Unless I'm expected to lose a home for the second time.

Maeby:Of course, I could just pack up my shorty shorts, my silky pajamas, my peekaboo bras, my ticklers, sex knobs, and lacy hoo-has and hit the road.

Maeby · George Michael:Oh. He can't hear a thing. He's got horrible aids. Shoedini! The world's first shoe horn... Oh, hearing aids. Yeah, yeah, here they call them aids. The other ones they call aids.

Maeby:Don't worry, if he asks who you are, I'll just tell him you're Tom Collins. He's always asking for a Tom Collins.

Maeby:Believe me, I'm in over my head enough as it is being George Maharis.

Maeby:You perverted that into a way to not hurt him. And then I had to turn down this scuba trip, which is also rude.

Maeby · George Michael:You passed out at the aquarium. They make you feel like you're underwater with all these giant... Dolphins? I think that was some kind of smiling, kind of bemused baby shark.

Maeby:You go to Rebel's, you take my bag of lacy ticklers, hoo-ha bras, dog toys, and sex knobs with you. And you act like you're expecting a booty call, as the old people think the young people say.

Maeby:You tell her, 'I'm here for a quickie, and I'm out of here.' Mr. Brash. And she'll drop you like a buttered cane.

George Michael · Maeby:Something old people say? Yeah. I'm trying to get it going.

Maeby:Maeby's plan: have someone show up with meth teeth saying 'Why do I gotta ask my cousin for meth money, Mom?' to embarrass Lindsay on camera.

Maeby:'Where are my meth teeth? It's been over two hours!'

Lucille · Lindsay · Maeby:'She's got a daughter who has many faces, and all of them are beautiful.' / Lindsay: 'She stole my speech.' / Lucille: 'Maybe you can show the world the smile I love so much.' / Maeby: 'That doesn't make sense without meth teeth!'

Maeby · Lindsay:'What a waste of a dream.' / 'It's nothing. I can see that now.' — Lindsay and Maeby after the speech genuinely moves Lindsay.

Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator:Lindsay: 'I think I'm gonna go now. Find out who my real family is. Find my real mother.' Narrator: '...Lindsay stole a line from Michael.' / Maeby: 'I'm out of here.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael tries to kiss Maeby for the cameras to get a reaction, but Maeby says 'That takes the fun out of it.' They consider kissing again 'to teach them a lesson.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby to George Michael: 'Why don't we make out again and teach them a lesson?'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'I can't, 'cause my dad's here, and he thinks I'm still dating Rebel.' / Maeby: 'And how would our making out teach them a lesson?' / George Michael: 'T-Teach Rebel a lesson. I meant, teach Rebel.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael's plan: ghost Rebel for two months, show up 'demanding sex,' she breaks up with him — but she was out of town and now thinks they're closer than ever

George Michael · Maeby:Maeby asking if George Michael is jealous of Murphybrown — George Michael saying 'I mean, the guy grew up not even knowing his father. If anything, I'm... jealous.' Then Maeby: 'Yeah, that... that is a great word for it.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby (as elderly Annette) offers George Michael a lick of something — he recoils — she says 'Good, more for me'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael's reaction to Maeby living with Stan: 'You're living with this guy?' / Maeby: 'Hey, my fake identity is none of your fake identity's business, okay?'

Maeby:Maeby's plan: show up to the Howard barbecue with pink hair to repel Ron Howard — 'I saw it on someone recently, and it made me want to puke. Trust me.'

Maeby · George Michael:George Michael's hair dye session: 'That's starting to tingle.' / Maeby: 'Let me know when it starts to burn.' / George Michael: 'It's gonna burn?' / Maeby: 'Did I not make that clear?' / 'Nobody said getting out of a relationship would be painless.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'You should talk about getting out of a relationship. I think your friend Stan might be interested in you in a way that you don't want him to be interested.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'That would explain why he's offering to do my laundry... Well, whatever gets him to do my laundry, huh?'

Stan · Maeby:Stan tells 'Annette' (Maeby): 'I see the real you: a special, wonderful, unique, 67-year-old woman who amazes me every day. It would be my pleasure to be the man in your life that your father never was.'

Maeby:Maeby (moved by Stan's paternal speech): 'Bury me.'

Maeby · Stan:'On the Next': Maeby and Stan looking at a photo of themselves together — Stan: 'Look how happy they look together. Just like us.' / Maeby: 'Until this happens.' — ending on a freeze frame of apparent disaster

George Michael · Maeby:Says 'Maeby' here. / What? / How dare they keep track of my height while not telling me?

Maeby · George Michael:You guys seem really buddy-buddy on Instagram. / I also saw that that hair thing backfired, huh?

George Michael · Maeby:I'm worried she might have been seeing her ex all summer. / Your dad? / No, no. On the movie set, down in Mexico.

Maeby:I know you're not old. Can we have a system where I don't have to wait the 40 seconds?

Maeby:The other day, I turned the lounge TV on, and now that's my job. They call me 'Buttons' now. Buttons.

Maeby:Wow, I was just 'specu-lying.'

Maeby:my niece always told me never to give away my Social Security number, but if it really is a free trip to Aruba...

George Michael · Maeby:Oh, you have to go, Buttons. / Sign me up! / Peg's walking by.

Maeby · George Michael:At least my mom never tried to sleep with somebody I was da... / Oh, wait. No. Steve Holt. / Uh, but he's family. / We've got to stop the lying in this family.

Maeby:You tell one little story to get a place to live. Next thing you know, you're sorting through your roommate's pills to figure out which one will kill his sex drive.

George Michael · Maeby:Stop right there. The minute you start talking about neutering your romantic partner, you're into shit that even Gangee wouldn't do. — The monster or the grandmother? — The monster. But, yeah, I don't think our grandmother would do that.

George Michael · Maeby:The minute you start talking about neutering your romantic partner, you're into shit that even Gangee wouldn't do. / The monster or the grandmother? / The monster. But, yeah, I don't think our grandmother would do that.

Maeby · George Michael:Yeah, maybe it is too far. I guess I can just pretend like I have an illness where I forget everything. / Like Alzheimer's? / That's a thing, too? I was just crime-storming. You know, just lying out loud.

Maeby:Maeby disguised as the 'sexagenarian Annette' — an elderly woman with glasses on top of her head

Maeby:I'm doing another scrub and run. My sex date is tonight, and there's no other way out of it. And honestly, if I wanted a hairless lover, I'd probably go underage rather than overage, you know?

Maeby · George Michael:No, I mean, not that I would do it on purpose. I'm just saying if I had a gun to somebody's head. / If you had a... / What do you want me to do? You want me to shoot a kid? What kind of monster are you?

Maeby · Narrator · Lou:Well, not exactly. They weren't cops. / This is wonderful. I've always wanted to be a Keystone Cop. It would be my honor to wear this handlebar mustache in the 2nd of July parade.

Maeby:Good-bye, Annette. Good-bye to our teeth that make it look like I'm smiling so I don't have to.

Maeby:And you, I'll miss you most of all, neighbor's pain medication. I never even got the chance... Nah, I'll just take you with me.

Maeby · George Michael:So, now that you found out your dad's sneaking around with your girlfriend... / He wasn't going to see Rebel in Mexico. The whole thing was just a crazy, paranoid idea. Who knows where we get these ideas from, right? / Well, you. I got that from you. It's always from you.

Maeby:Oh, yeah, I was gonna say that sounded like one of mine.

Maeby · George Michael:Primos! / The Mexico trip flashback with the stair car — cousins fleeing after Cinco

Maeby:You know? Like how people think the world's melting because people drive cars, or that Hillary should continue to roam free.

Maeby:Good-bye, Fox & Friends.

Maeby:I never even got the chance to tell him. It's over. I'm breaking up with you. Oh, and I need your keys.

Maeby · George Sr.:Well, you got me, Dad. / Not now, Maeby. / I have... what? Like, one person.

Maeby:Maeby's alter ego 'Annette' — 'The minute I put the teeth in, I become a completely different person'

Maeby:Maeby's setup in the retirement community: 'I finally got rid of my beloved Stan. He's in the hospital, massive head injury. Free rent. New neighbors every six to eight months.'

Maeby:Maeby objects to killing off her alter ego: 'Maeby doesn't even have a high school diploma. Not a good move, given the world my generation is leaving hers.'

Stan · neighbor · Maeby:Stan exposes Maeby: 'Run, Annette, run!' — Neighbor asks 'Maeby? Why'd he call you Annette?'

Maeby:'And this is why I told you to buy the safety hair.' / 'Now I gotta drink the evidence.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'If these walls could only testify, huh?'

Maeby:Maeby on why selling a bogus company to his girlfriend is a good idea: 'It's the perfect way to end a terrible relationship.'

Maeby:Maeby casually reveals she hit Stan on the head with a wine bottle — 'just with a wine bottle, but it wasn't open'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'You're more impossible to talk to than Annette.' / George Michael: 'You talk to Annette?' / Maeby: 'No. But Stan does.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Three times in one week. People are gonna start asking, you know, elderly abuse? Which apparently is a real thing.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael needs 'a clueless president — someone stupid and lazy enough that he doesn't ask any questions about the actual software.' / Maeby: 'Oh, I love how you're assuming it's a he.'

George Michael · Maeby · Gob:George Michael and Maeby recruit Gob to be Fakeblock's president by promising he 'won't need to get his e-mail redelivered' and 'won't have to learn new snacks'

George Michael · Maeby · Gob:Gob's pay: 'stock. Right. Money never has to change hands.' / George Michael: 'That's it. We're done talking.' / Gob: 'I'm in.'

Maeby · Stan:Maeby is gaslighting Stan about how frequently he's asked the same questions — 'Every month' (he hadn't; 'in fact, this had only happened a few hours earlier')

Maeby · Stan:Maeby's dementia con — she has been gaslighting Stan into believing he has memory problems, repeating conversations to make him question his mind

Maeby:Maeby's breakup speech is interrupted: 'A real lady lets it itch. She doesn't jam two fingers...' / 'Voices up.'

Maeby · Fakeblock Employee:The Fakeblock employees are playing games instead of working because 'the new president thinks it's good for morale' — but 'we'd rather get paid'

Maeby · Stan:'Stan, turn down Wayne Brady!' / 'I surely couldn't.'

Mark Cherry · Maeby:Mark Cherry says to Maeby: 'You're rather quite attractive for an older lady.' Maeby responds: 'That is your half-sister.'

Maeby · Stan:Maeby is cornered by her boyfriend Stan asking if these are her family — and she admits yes

Maeby:'Well, that was a freebie. Now I just gotta figure out how to get rid of you guys.'

DeBrie · Maeby:DeBrie forces a group hug: 'Hug. Hug. Hug, DeBrie. Group hug.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby announces she sold Fakeblock for $3 million — exactly the same amount as the Chinese investment money

George Michael · Maeby:'I feel bad for the new owner. It's bogus software. I mean, what if it bankrupts them?' / 'Oh, click. How sorry can you feel for some guy who's obviously incredibly rich and has $3 million to drop on a .wav file that's just the sound of a piece of wood.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby's Mrs. Featherbottom story: '...she meant makeup, not backup person, and then go on to brag that, for four years, she blew three men five times a day'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'You sound just like a slightly self-aware Aunt Lindsay.' / George Michael: 'Well, you sound just like a minimally-woke Uncle Michael.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'Fine. Abandon your morals. Build your dumb wall. Appease your dumb guilt at firing your father because of his dumb investment. It's not dumb. He's the only person who ever believed in this company. Which isn't real, so that makes it dumb.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'But, hey, maybe you can get those dumb attorneys from that short Netflix show that's not on the air anymore.' / George Michael: 'They canceled that?'

Maeby · Father figure (Tobias?) · Bev · Annette:Maeby's roommate vote — she loses: 'I'm sorry. I didn't know they would both vote against you.' / 'I voted myself out, too, okay? 'Cause I can't take it anymore.' / 'You've taken all the fun out of the worst part of life.'

Maeby:Maeby finds Sitwell's files: 'So if these people really disappeared... that means there's an ocean view available.'