Señoritis

Narrator · Maeby · Perfecto:Narrator introduces 'Perfecto Telles' as the boy Maeby is dating, and she rewards him for doing her English homework 'even though English was his second language.'

Maeby · Perfecto:'And if you do my Spanish, I'll teach you how to French.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'Everyone could see that they had chemistry together, but it wasn't until Donny Richter's algebra class that the real bonding began.'

Donny Richter · Film Crew Member:Teacher tells struggling students to close their eyes, then those who passed may exit. A film crew member asks if that includes them. Teacher: 'No, the "Babies Having Babies" crew...'

Maeby · Perfecto:Perfecto and Maeby reveal their failing test scores: '38.' '43, but that's because I'm good with numb— oh, no, actually it's 34.'

Donny Richter:Teacher: 'We don't say "dummy," and unfortunately you two alge-tards are going to need some special tutoring.'

Students:Students on the bus singing '99 Bottles of Beer' while headed to college tutoring.

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'Are you kidding me? What kind of loser spends his free time tutoring high school kids?' Cut to George Michael.

Perfecto:Hey, when we get there, don't forget you're Perfecto's woman. I don't want to hear about some smooth college guy who stole you away from me.

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael and Maeby recognize each other. He says 'I thought you were the girl. I'm supposed to tutor a kid from...' 'High school, yeah, that's me.'

George Michael · Narrator:George Michael: 'Didn't we graduate together five years ago?' Narrator: 'It was a decent question.'

Narrator · Michael:Narrator recaps that Michael told George Michael 'She might not be a blood relative, but she is still family' — recontextualizing why George Michael backed away from Maeby.

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'George Michael found the girl he now had to back away from on her back.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby is lying on the floor to get her parents to notice her. She says she's been there 'for, like, an hour and a half.' Narrator: 'It had been seven minutes.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael suggests: 'Do you think it would help if I went over and said, like, "Hey, Maeby's dead"?' Maeby: 'No, that would just mean that they notice you.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay and Tobias are heard singing '♪ No, it's just a phallus... eee! ♪' offscreen while Maeby lies ignored on the floor.

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'Where's that from?' Maeby: 'It's from nothing.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'Why don't you cough or something?' Maeby: 'Oh, right, like I'm dying.' Then she begins coughing dramatically while the song plays on. 'There's nothing keeping us together. I believe we're thinking the same thing.'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:George Michael is about to end things, Maeby thinks he wants to get more serious. Narrator reveals Maeby didn't want that — 'George Michael wasn't a very good kisser' — then launches into an extremely clinical anatomical description of his bad kissing technique.

Narrator:Narrator: 'Really just rookie mistakes.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'And that doesn't make me hotter to you?'

Maeby:Maeby: 'So first my parents don't notice that I drowned, and now my cousin doesn't care that I'm at the height of my sexuality.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'We're a couple of, uh, forces of nature.' Maeby: 'What?' George Michael: 'Forces of nature.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'That's a great idea. I've got two whole months to flunk. That's got to disappoint them.'

Narrator:Title card: 'It's Maeby's "Arrested Development."' — The episode title card parodies the show's own title.

Narrator:Maeby's parents left town, so 'she put her plan to put her graduation on hold on hold.'

Maeby · Film Crew Member:On the Gangie film set in India: 'Do we have to pay them in money or in rice?' 'If they're in the union, you have to pay with rice.'

Crew Member:Crew member: 'You'd think someone would tell her to shave her arms, the poor thing.' — referencing a woman in traditional Indian dress.

Film Crew Member · Maeby:'Gangie on the Ganges? That doesn't even make sense.'

Maeby · Film Crew Member:Hair and makeup question: 'Pretty makeup or scary makeup?' 'Scary.' 'I think we have the crew that did The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.'

Shaman · Lindsay:The shaman advising Lindsay: 'You have no children?' 'No. Why do you ask?' 'Well, yes, a daughter. She's away at boarding school in England.'

Lindsay:'Please don't squeeze the shaman.'

Narrator:'Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you're out of ideas.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby tries to insult Lindsay: 'Don't you think it makes you seem a little, um, what is that saying, full of (bleep)?' Narrator: 'Thank you, Maeby, that's actually a compliment in India.' 'My own fault.'

Maeby:Maeby re-enrolling for her senior year: 'Going back to school. Senior year!' No one in her family reacts. 'No? No one cares?'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'This is usually a tough time for teens. This is when drugs often become an issue.' Cut to: 'Time for Babies Having Babies!' 'Is "Babies Having Babies" on? That's my favorite show.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'Mother's Day Eve was the most joyous day of the year.'

Narrator:The family accidentally celebrated Thanksgiving a week early after 'they found that duck in the cupboard, tried to cook it alive, got scared, and then ended up eating it at a Chinese restaurant.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias leaving a voicemail for Maeby: 'Maeby, honey, Daddy has insisted on raising you alone.' Then Lindsay's message: '...Lindsay, I have met someone. It's not important who it is. Erase this message, and I'll leave her a mess...'

Tobias:Tobias's voicemail: 'Your daddy's not going to be around anymore. Excuse me, I swallowed a bug there. Uh, your daddy's not going to be around anymore.'

Widow Carr:The Widow Carr delivers foreclosure news and then casually adds: 'Also, Tobias, you got a callback for something called "The Big Bang Theory."'

Maeby Funke · Studio Executive:Guess what. I'll just tell you. / What? / 'Cause I feel like we'll be here forever, and I have a meeting. Um, you're fired.

Narrator:'With no parents, no job, and no place to live, Maeby had squat, which is exactly what she decided to do... at her grandparents' penthouse.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'And that's when Maeby did what we in the entertainment industry call "deadlining."'

Maeby:'We're not moving in; we're occupying a space with central air.'

Maeby:'That is it — this is like living in 1999.'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby explains she's still in high school to get her parents to notice her: 'Let them think, "Oh no, should we be worried? Is she really that immature?"' George Michael: 'Yeah. Well, isn't it kind of a little immature to try and make your parents worry like that?' Maeby: 'Oh, that's good — I'm gonna try and work that in there.'

George Michael · Maeby · Michael:Michael shows up as George Michael's uncle; Maeby says 'Didn't say it was your cousin.' George Michael: 'Now, that's smart, let him think there's a girl in here.'

Michael:'He's the worst. See, I think if George Michael and I didn't have each other as roommates, we'd be going crazy.'

George Michael · Narrator:George Michael explains Fakeblock's technical details at length. 'It's just a Boolean-driven aggregation, really, of what programmers call "hacker-traps"...' Narrator notes Maeby's 'self-esteem plummeted as she started to question the entirety of what she had done with her life.'

Michael · Narrator:Michael: 'You should see his Facebook page. Doesn't have a friend on it.' Narrator: 'Of course, that last part had nothing to do with Fakeblock... but it did help George Michael's self-esteem.'

Student 1 · Student 2 · Maeby:On the bus back to high school, students ask if she wants to get high. Then: 'Can you imagine what kind of loser pretends to be in high school when they're in their 20s?' 'Well, it's pretty gutsy, right? I mean, it's better to take the risk, right?' 'Yeah, maybe you're right.' 'Yeah, maybe you're right.' 'Cop.'

Maeby · Bartender:Maeby at the bar asks for a Macallan 12 neat, water back. Bartender asks for ID. She says 'Can we make it — marry me — a Wild Turkey?' as if changing the order absolves her of ID requirements.

Perfecto:Perfecto: 'Well, not until his software hits and he can buy me an apartment. I'm living in a bleep-hole.'

Maeby · Bartender:Bartender: 'I'm supposed to believe you're 17?' Maeby: 'Oh, no, sorry. That's my fake for sneaking back into high school. Here we go — 23.'

Bartender · Maeby:Bartender recognizes Maeby: 'Oh, you're Maeby. Well, you can have one, but you got quite a bar tab.'

Maeby · Kitty Sanchez · George Michael:Maeby: 'George Michael, Kitty Sanchez.' Then Kitty: 'Drinks for the house.' 'This guy?' 'These guys are making a fortune off that "To Entrap a Local Predator" show they're on.' 'Were. Won't let us shoot in Laguna.'

Maeby:Maeby notices Perfecto talking to someone at the bar: 'So, you fitting in over there at the high school? They accepting you?' Maeby: 'He's a cop.'

Maeby Funke · Narrator:Are you guys looking for a new bait house? / And that's how she made enough money to at least pay for her bar tab.

Barry · Maeby:Barry the lawyer: 'After 21, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in the state of California. As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk.' 'What, do they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can't even see into the locker rooms from there.'

Maeby Funke · Barry Zuckerkorn:Barry? / Maeby, you scared the be-(bleep) out of me. What are you doing here? / Well, I could ask you the same thing. / I go to high school here. / I could answer the same thing.

Barry · Maeby:Barry: 'Oh, well, that's easy. You get something incriminating on him.' Maeby: 'Yeah, well, maybe I'll just keep a record of it, too, so I can follow up with my own bill.' Barry: 'Oh, very good. You should be the lawyer. Very good. Pro bono.'

Barry Zuckerkorn:What, do they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can't even see into the locker rooms from there.

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby runs into an ostrich in heat at the penthouse. 'And she wouldn't even let me get a cat.'

Maeby:Maeby finds a check from 'Gangie for facelift — Mother.'

Maeby · Narrator:Check made out 'From Gangie for facelift' — 'Mother.'

Maeby · Narrator:Maeby: 'I'm getting an Opie?' Narrator: 'The only bigger honor would be having an award like that named after you, I guess.'

Donny Richter · Maeby:Teacher Donny Richter: 'What is it going to take to get you to focus? Are you on drugs? Because, from what I hear, there might be an undercover cop at this school.'

Maeby:'You know what? I think I will do better once I get a little Mexican in me.'

George Michael:Well, I'm going to go mingle with a bunch of 13-year-olds who think they can still play fifth grade. Have fun.

Maeby · George Michael:Narrator: 'Maeby got her cousin to drive her to the Opies so she could impress him with her achievements.' Cut to: 'Well, I'm going to go mingle with a bunch of 13-year-olds who think they can still play fifth grade.'

Mort Meyers · Maeby:Mort Meyers: 'They only give that award away to somebody after they die or, even worse, after your career is dead.' Maeby: 'Really?' Mort: 'Well, consider yourself lucky. They told you your career was over.'

Mort Meyers:Mort: 'I passed on "Hunger Games." It wasn't the most graceful of exits... No, actually, the exit was pretty graceful. I think I just remember it that way 'cause it got dicey when I was sneaking back in to take a (bleep) on Sid's desk.'

Mort Meyers · Maeby:Mort: 'When they kick you out of the business, save face by starting your own Internet company.' Maeby: 'You started an Internet company?' Mort: 'It's called Schnoodle.'

Mort Meyers · Rebel Alley:Maeby tells Rebel Alley she's started a company called Fakeblock. Rebel: 'What's this? You're talking about Fakeblock?' They discuss it. Mort chimes in: 'Well, if you need a name, I'm the guy who came up with Schnoodle.' Rebel: 'How do we know each other?' Mort: 'We don't. That's what it is.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'Fakeblock is just a software I'm developing. The whole point is that it's private. So you can't be telling people about it.' Maeby: 'No, we got to tell people about it. I just got a lifetime achievement award. I'm finished.'

Rebel Alley · George Michael:How does your privacy software work? / Huh? It's private.

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'Also, I think you should consider calling it "The" Fakeblock. It's cleaner.' George Michael: 'Like "The Netflick."'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'What, you think they invite the animals and ask them to wait while they build the zoo? No, that would be a bloodbath.' George Michael: 'Yeah, a total (bleep) bloodbath.'

Maeby · Narrator · George Michael:Maeby: 'Come on, this could be my only chance to be a Harris.' George Michael: 'A Harris?' Maeby: 'All right, fine.' Narrator: 'Oh, heiress. You meant... You don't pronounce the "H."' Maeby: 'I pronounce the "H."' Narrator: 'No, but that's not how the word is...' Maeby: 'You know, we say words the way we say them for a reason.'

Rebel Alley:Rebel: 'Is this another one of these social networking things? Because I am so over those. I tried to deactivate my Facebook profile. It's easier to get out of Scientology.'

Rebel Alley:Rebel Alley: 'I tried to deactivate my Facebook profile. It's easier to get out of Scientology.'

Maeby · Rebel Alley:Maeby: 'This is actually the opposite of Facebook. It's the antisocial network.' Rebel: 'It prevents piracy, right?' Maeby: 'Really?'

George Michael · Narrator · Perfecto:George Michael gets the new name 'George Maharis.' Narrator: 'And that's how George Michael finally got that new name. It felt like a good fit — strong, rugged... untainted.' George Michael: 'Yes.' 'Yes, George Maharis.' 'Perfecto.' 'De nada.'

Maeby · Perfecto:Maeby tries to entrap Perfecto as a predator: 'I may only be 17, Perfecto, but I know you're a cop.' Perfecto: 'Yeah, there it is, that cop stare.' Maeby: 'I got to tell you, I find it very sexy.'

Perfecto · George Michael:Perfecto confesses he's a cop hunting a rogue CIA operative named Esteves. 'It's the kids from "Modern Family."' 'Sorry. He's become a drug kingpin...'

Maeby Funke:Look, I may only be 17, Perfecto, but I know you're a cop. / Yeah, there it is, that cop stare. / I got to tell you, I find it very sexy.

Perfecto:After dramatic sequence: 'Rico!' 'Wow, you are good.' Perfecto: 'I have to be — young lives depend on it.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'She narrowly missed the $50,000 check with her name on it that her mother gave to her grandfather... who gave it to this man... who gave it to this man.'

Lindsay Funke · Maeby Funke:I tried. / Tell your therapist I tried. / I'm not in therapy! / Then I must have done something right.

Maeby:Mort at the Opies accepts his award: 'Thank you, Kirk Cameron, for that incredibly Bibley introduction.'

Maeby:Maeby's Opie speech devolves into a profanity-filled declaration of starting Fakeblock: 'Tie yourself to your chair, because this is going to be a rough (bleep) ride. I'm leaving this (bleep) dying business to join the software game. Double (bleep) newsflash. I'm starting Fakeblock with George Maharis...' escalating through multiple 'go (bleep) yourself' statements, ending with 'Please welcome the talented voices of Phineas and Ferb.'

Awards Announcer:Please welcome the talented voices of Phineas and Ferb.

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby to Lindsay: 'Are you really gonna whore yourself out like that?' Lindsay: 'I am not a whore.' Maeby: 'Yeah, you're a whore.'

Campaign Manager · Lindsay · Maeby:Campaign manager to Lindsay: 'Ma'am, is she yours?' Lindsay: 'Unfortunately.' Campaign manager: 'Herbert Love would like to see her.' Lindsay: 'You can arrange that?' Campaign manager: 'Obviously, discretion is appreciated.'

Campaign Manager · Maeby Funke:And just to be clear, I want to hire her for prostitution. / Yes, no, definitely. That was clear. I'm gonna charge you for that.

Campaign Manager · Maeby:Campaign Manager: 'And just to be clear, I want to hire her for prostitution.' Maeby: 'Yes, no, definitely. That was clear. I'm gonna charge you for that.'

Narrator:Narrator: '...and became her mother's pimp.' Maeby approaching Lindsay: 'Of course, the plan required getting back into her mother's good graces to trick her into turning a trick.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'But this was a woman who once wore this to a men's prison, so she felt she'd be okay.'

Jim Cramer:Jim Cramer on 'Mad Money': 'This Fakeblock thing is poised to explode! I never do this, hell, it's not even a stock yet. For all I know, it's not even real! But I think this might be going through the roof! I'm calling it my first "Hypothetical Buy."'

Jim Cramer · Gangie Announcer:Jim Cramer: 'And this weekend, don't forget to catch me on "Gangie IV."' Then a clip of Gangie plays: 'This old lady's crazy! I'm raising the alert level from "Don't Leave the House" to "Board Up Your Windows!"'

Maeby:Maeby coaches Lindsay on seducing Herbert Love: 'Guys who are used to being charged — I mean in charge — sometimes like it when the other person takes control.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'What am I doing? This is disgusting. I've got money coming in.' — Her moral epiphany lasts exactly one sentence before being replaced by financial satisfaction.

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'She'll be the one driving the staircar from now on. It was part of the deal.' George Michael: 'You gave her my car?' Maeby: 'Yeah, it's technically hers anyways, 'cause of the Bluth Company.' George Michael: 'Oh.' 'But I did get you her 1988 yellow Cadillac.' 'Yeah?' 'She only uses it to and from hip replacements.' 'I guess that's only funny if you know who she is.'

Pest Control Worker · Maeby:Pest control worker mentions he used to date a guy named Steve Holt. Maeby reacts. Worker: 'Ha! Steve Holt!' — doing Steve Holt's signature self-celebration.

Narrator:Narrator: 'Although the house wouldn't remain pest-free for long. Heck of a birthday this is shaping up to be. In fact, it was about to get worse.'

Gob:Michael and Gob arrive at the model home. Gob: 'I know, I've got these things very, you know, meticulously maintained.' Then: 'There are some vultures. They might still smell Pete.'

Maeby:Maeby reveals the Fakeblock office: a giant airplane hangar. 'When Fakeblock hits, we're going to have to ramp up real fast. This hangar can hold over 500 nerds!'

Maeby · Mort Meyers:Maeby hires Mort Meyers and makes him get her coffee: 'I'm a softie; I hired the guy. He's more like a mascot than anything. Mort, where's my coffee?' / 'Oh, damn. Oh, stupid Mort.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Cinco de Quatro is in two days. But we'll be doing it on a boat, so I hope you don't get seasick.'

Mort Meyers:Mort shuffles in holding coffee: 'I got her coffee.' — after Maeby has just been fired by George Michael.

Michael · Maeby:Maeby gets Michael to sign a document for 'a movie about the family.' Michael: 'Is that still happening?' Maeby: 'What do you mean?' Michael: 'I got to tell you, I think movies are dead. Maybe it's a TV show.'

Lindsay:Lindsay gives Maeby money from Herbert Love and mentions facial reconstruction: 'And if you choose to do facial reconstruction... I mean, the nose, right?'

Maeby · Perfecto:Perfecto punching Herbert Love — 'the little guy with the cigarette?' / 'No, the ripped black guy behind him.' / 'I just... I just didn't look up high enough.'

Perfecto · Maeby · Narrator:Perfecto: 'I'm a cop.' Maeby: 'But I saw your badge at the bar.' Perfecto: 'In fact, it was an anti-bullying badge. He'd received it from a police-run anti-bullying program at school. "You're never too old to stand up to a bully."'

Maeby:Maeby: 'I'm 23-year-old woman. If anyone found out that we already had sex, it would be a major felony.'

Perfecto · Narrator · Maeby:'But we messed around.' / 'Oh, they did more than that.' / 'Don't worry; nobody saw.' / 'Except Lucille 2.'

Perfecto · Maeby Funke:I made up all that stuff to impress you; I'm just a senior. / A señor? / I'm 17. / Ha! / You're 17? / Yeah. / I'm 23. / Oh, that's a relief. / I wasn't supposed to be driving with you.

Donny Richter · Maeby:Donny Richter: 'Congratulations. You got your first A.' Maeby: 'Oh, thank God. This A is finally gonna get me out of high school.' Richter: 'No, sex offender, your A is going to jail.'

Maeby · Rocky Richter:Maeby: 'You can't arrest me; you're an algebra teacher.' Richter: 'Donny Richter is an algebra teacher. I'm Rocky Richter. I told you there was an undercover cop in this school.'

Maeby:Final line: 'Oh, God. I'm gonna have to live in Sudden Valley.'