It Gets Better

Carlos was just... tickling me.

You're dead, man, you are so dead. That was the last root beer snow cone.

You know my name! What's his name? You're the kiss-ass, Carlos. What's his name?

I barely know their names. I mean, I know Carlos, but... only because of that old song 'Carlos the Tickle Monster.'

Wait, what song is that? Oh, god, I knew he made that up.

And... that's where the song should've ended. So I guess we all got a little carried away. Are you sure? We all ended at the same time.

George Michael's wood block band ending at the same time because 'you all sped up together' - his superiority about his 'amazing internal clock'

But this is about my demo tape to Juilliard and they've got to dig what I do so much that they start an entire department for wood block.

I mean, the whole point of the band is to showcase my amazing internal clock. You know, that's something you have to be born with. Or bred with.

BabyTock promotional video where George Michael appears as a test baby

And if I were a doctor, I would guarantee you that it would also boost their brain power 110%.

That's a lot of brain power.

Uh, well, that's impossible... To deny.

So we're stuck with 5,000 of these worthless corn-ballers?

Perfect for those who like the sound of a clock, but don't know their numbers.

Mother of (bleep)! We should put these in cribs.

That's not a half puny thought.

Hitting a block of wood.

Before the world cracked me open and I became the guy that you're looking at now. George Michael 2.0. God, I hate my name.

Rip it up... right down the center. That's it. Rip it. Couple more. Did you get it? Proud of you.

N... no. No, no. (laughs): What?

Let's make it a... Pepsi. Drinking Pepsi in the morning.

Oh, excuse me, I forgot it wasn't morning. (laughing): I forgot it wasn't morning.

And that's what we call only being behind by three.

You guys broke up. Oh, thanks, Ray, I almost forgot.

Is that... ? Okay, I guess it's not, uh, not gonna be a person.

And C? I think one on C. M? M? Oh, one on... M? One for sure on... one. And Z? One.

You make love like a boy. Spanish, speak to me in Spanish. Because the only way that college credit is actually activated is if I have...

Dominarme. Cook... cook at... Cooking at you? Overpower me. Oh, yes, make me cry. You're a terrible mother.

It gets better.

I sort of feel like a king returning to his castle. Only to discover that they thought he was two kings. Double castle.

Can't wait to meet Michael, George.

Otherwise, they're gonna think you're a musician, huh?

That sounds like a mother of an invention.

Well, these are a (bleep) joke. Where are the mallet options? There's no choice of wood weight or grain type. There's no diameter hole option. I mean, what is this, BabyTock?

You know, the sharp metal box that you put in the crib. Is that not a well-known... ?

Block-block? No. People are going to think we're in the chicken-noise business. How is that a chicken noise? You know... well, it's kind of hard to do in these matador pants, but, you know... Block-bl...

It's $5,000 for the domain name, and then there's this whole XML Web site fee. I got the last one. That was 99 cents. Times three.

Oh, it's her last name. But her most recent grade is... well, this just shows an Elvis Presley head.

So, that bad? I'll take her. Stay on top of her. You may need to ride her pretty hard.

Was she your first? Cousin? No. Why would you... why would your mind go right to... ? No.

Overtly sexual. Right. As I live and breathe. Crazy.

But for the phrase, 'as I live and breathe,' he nailed it.

Well, don't forget... I'm a Harris. Harris? Yeah. Someone who 'inharris' a lot of money.

Yeah, well, you know, I wouldn't put all my Anns in that basket.

You've never been a risk taker. I like to (bleep) with people. That's what I do. I'm making a statement.

I made a 40-year-old woman cry in Spain.

Well, you know, in algebra, you have an unknown element, and, uh, we call it 'X,' and then you have to solve for it to find out what number 'X' is. 'X' isn't a number.

But in that moment, the urge to educate her was more powerful than the urge to kiss her.

Yeah, let's get wasted. Let's drink that formula. It's not that kind of formula.

He had not responded now for 41 seconds, according to his unfailing internal clock, and it was time to come clean.

And he found himself suddenly and effortlessly tapping into a long-inbred instinct for lying. A Bluth taking his first steps in deceit.

Ay, dios mio.

No, he wouldn't. He... I... I was just leaning back, so it looked like I... I got this chair again, didn't I?

That was fun. Did he look betrayed to you? He kind of always looks that way.

Well, I'm getting a lifetime achievement award at this gala. Well, you might want to get that out of the way, too, I guess.

Because I can't bring any of my friends without getting permission slips from their parents.

Oh, he's nobody. Oh. It's Justin. That's David Henrie. He's Justin from Wizards of Waverly Place. Hmm. It's on a lot in Spain.

Buenas noches, pequeño Scarlet. I will be needing a room, please. How many nights? Two. Sorry. No, just one night. I thought you were saying how many people.

One bed, one night, two people, let's solve for 'X.' I hate young Hollywood.

So funny that didn't come up in the car.

That geek Maharis destroyed the whole thing. And you know why? Just because he could. Those Internet geniuses... that's what they do. I'm ruined. I'll probably never get to drive the Schnoodle car.

You know, it's like the time that you told that girl that you were George Takei's son. Well, it's too late. This thing's taking off.

Well, you may have put in the most money to Fakeblock, but I put in the first three dollars, so that makes you a hop-on. No, you're the hop-on, Paul, and I know exactly who you're trying to hop on to. Maeby. Maeby.

I trust you, George Michael. I would not get into bed with you on this thing if I didn't trust you. No. Yeah, of... of course you can trust me in bed.

We'd just lie there? I mean, I'm talking about business. So am I. That's why we would just lie there.

when you become an Internet billionaire, you could do whatever you want with me in bed. It was that. That's what made him change his mind.

That was literally the first thing I asked you. So you're giving me these crazy... Mad?

It's my stupid brother! He looks just like me. I'll just go up, I'll find him, I'll... Oh, come on.

Well, you know, I, uh... I prefer a woman who aims higher.

Just remind me not to go in the men's room!

Bet you 500 bucks they find a dead kid behind the stick. You know, or maybe on the dead dad's lap whose only fault was loving that kid too much and letting him fly the plane.

Well, you know, a month ago, I would have told you that he and I were exactly the same, that we were twins. But now, I wouldn't even think of my son as my brother.

It was 99 cents. Times three. Times three.

Take to the sea!