Michael Bluth

Narrator · Michael:Narrator introduces Michael as happy while everything around him is clearly chaotic

Michael:You can't just comb that out and reset it?

Michael · Lindsay:Not all homosexuals are flamboy... Oh, my God! I have the exact same blouse.

Michael:Hasn't everything already sort of been discovered, though, by, like, Magellan and Cortés?

George Michael · Michael:- Breakfast. - Family. Family. Right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

Michael:No, it's not. It's a fake home, son.

Michael · Gob:Oh, that's perfect, Gob. — I just remembered something. Dad's retiring, not turning six.

Michael · Gob:Lindsay's been in town for a month? I don't think so.

Michael:You're gonna be all splattered in red paint. That's gonna distract the eye.

Michael:Yeah? I knew it. It's about me, isn't it?

Michael:Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight, start a career as a pirate.

Michael:Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make 10 new boys.

Buster · Michael · Lucille:Buster doing something on the balcony that he apparently cannot do on the balcony — it's too windy per Mom.

Michael · Gob:Mom! — Mom, congratulations!

Party Guest · Michael:Are those police boats? — No, I'm serious. I think they are police boats.

Michael · Party Guest:That's the Securities and Exchange Commission. — They have boats?

Lucille · Gob · Michael:I'm putting Buster in charge. — That's a good choice. — Buster? The guy who thought the blue on the map was land?

Michael:Eighteenth-century agrarian business. But I guess it's all the same principles.

Michael:Are you at all concerned about an uprising?

Rival Company Rep · Michael:We'll set you up in Arizona in one of our finest estates. — Attic or main house?

Michael:I'm sorry. What exactly is this intervention for?

Michael:Something you apply for, and then they pay you to, uh... Never mind. I don't want to ruin the surprise.

Buster · Michael:I think Dad would really want you to help us out here. — Dad's in jail. Here we go.

Michael · George Sr.:I quit. — Probably a good career move.

Michael · George Sr.:Yeah, I don't think that that's true, Dad. — Really?

Lindsay · Michael:I'm sad. Life is hard right now. I've got the JDL on my ass. — JDL? — Jewish Defense League.

Michael · Lindsay:This is why I was against HOOP. — This is why I didn't call you!

Lindsay · Michael:You're so judgmental. — No, I'm not judgmental. — And you're disappointed in me. — I'm not disappointed in you. — You are. — So I'm disappointed in you.

Michael · Lindsay:We're a disappointing family. — We're an incredibly disappointing family.

Michael · Lindsay:We're a disappointing family. / We're an incredibly disappointing family.

Michael · Lindsay:Seriously, you're gonna pull a muscle. — I used to be able to do this.

Michael:For a while. Just your aunt and her husband. Not Gob.

Michael:It is gonna be a little crowded, so you're gonna have to share a room with your cousin.

Michael · George Sr.:You love it here? — Oh, I'm having the time of my life! Hey, T-Bone.

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. in prison: 'There's always money in the banana stand' while lovingly eating an ice cream sandwich and trying to share it

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'I haven't had a vacation in years. This is my vacation.' / 'I'm doing the time of my life!'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.'s prison roommate T-Bone is introduced as 'a flamer'

Michael:Michael, after meeting T-Bone leaving prison: 'Well, I guess every vacation's gotta come to an end.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'Because he's a flamer?' after Michael says he won't hire T-Bone

Michael · George Michael:George Michael asks for more hours at the banana stand; Michael flashes back to his own childhood there

Michael · George Michael:George Michael starts to say 'Mr. Manager' again and Michael cuts him off: 'Manager. We just say...' / 'I know, but you just...' / 'It doesn't matter who.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael says 'I'm Mr. Manager' again; Michael starts to correct him; George Michael cuts him off: 'I know, but you just...' Michael: 'It doesn't matter who.'

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Michael arrives home; Lindsay and Tobias are in the exact same positions as when he left that morning. 'Is nobody gonna even try to get a job?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I have a job, Michael. It's called supporting my husband.' Michael: 'You haven't been shopping.'

Lucille · Michael:The dead dove in the freezer — Lucille trying to return it to a pet store

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay spent $68 on hair conditioner; 'A small price to pay for self-esteem, Michael. Or are you still jealous that you lost Best Hair to me in high school and got Dorkiest?'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias delivers a speech about rejection in the 'business of show'... but has never actually had an audition

Michael · Lindsay:Michael lectures Lindsay about setting an example for Maeby; Lindsay replies 'Yeah. Shoot me when that happens.' / Michael: 'Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?'

Michael:Michael worries about Maeby working at the banana stand: 'I don't know about this. I mean, it can get pretty hairy in there.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.'s advice to Michael about Maeby: 'You stay on top of her, buddy. Do not be afraid to ride her. Hard.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'I don't know where they are.' (before Michael has finished his sentence) — Michael: 'You know, it's really more believable if you let me finish.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'But he's not special, Mother.' — a sincere assessment of Gob delivered with complete seriousness

Lucille · Michael:Michael: 'Where's the storage unit?' / Lucille: 'It's with your warrant.'

Tobias · Michael:'I was looking for work, and I blew it, Michael.' / 'I guess you've already seen that, huh?' / 'Yes, I have. Oh, right. This one.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael tricks Lucille by calling and mentioning the IRS wants to check for 'furs or...' — then following her housekeeper Luz to the storage unit

Michael · Narrator:The storage unit is on fire when Michael arrives — after following Luz all the way there

Fire Investigator · Michael:Fire investigator: 'Oh, definitely the work of a flamer.' — about the arson

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Well, isn't that ironic? I'm making a fortune at my new job, and you don't even have the job you thought you did.'

Gob · Michael:Gob, instead of helping Michael, asks him to mail a letter — 'You can't just give that to a mailman? / I can't trust a mailman with this. This is important.'

Michael · George Sr.:George Sr., hearing that George Michael is running the banana stand: 'George Michael is running the frozen banana stand now?' / 'That's right. Yeah. You sit with that. You think about that for a while.'

T-Bone · Michael:T-Bone appears at the banana stand: 'Your dad gave me this job.'

Michael · T-Bone:Michael asks T-Bone 'You burn down the storage unit?' T-Bone: 'Oh, most definitely.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I should be in charge. I'm the older brother.' / 'Please, do you even wanna be in charge?' / 'No! But I'd like to be asked.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Better than being treated like the goofball, the joker, the magician.' — then attempts a fireball that doesn't go off

Maeby · Michael:Maeby calls Michael to rat out George Michael: 'He's about to do something really irresponsible.' / Michael: 'You think it's irresponsible? I'll be right there.'

Michael:Michael's response to George Michael's distress: 'Burn it down.' / 'What?' / 'Let's burn this son of a bitch.'

Michael · George Michael · Gob:The three Bluth men — Michael, George Michael, and Gob — bonding over the burning banana stand

Michael · George Michael · Gob · Narrator:Michael, George Michael, and Gob bond while burning the banana stand together — narrator: 'Michael, his son and his brother together enjoyed the cathartic burning of the banana stand.'

Michael:'You mailed that insurance check, right, Gob?'

Michael:'You mailed that insurance check, right, Gob?'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael confronts George Sr.: 'Burned it right down to the ground.' / George Sr.: 'Are you crazy? There was money in that banana stand.'

Prison Guard · Michael · George Sr.:'No touching! No touching!' — both Michael and George Sr. through the prison glass

Gob · Michael:Tag: Michael tells others the banana stand is being rebuilt; Gob complains: 'You couldn't have called me? I can't swing a hammer?'

Michael:Tag final line: 'I got a rabbit to buy.' — Michael or George Michael on the banana stand reconstruction

Michael · George Michael:George Michael burns himself on the Cornballer: 'Son of a bitch!' / 'You plopped it!' / 'I'll plop you!'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay to Michael about George Michael: 'Or, you could not eat the cornballs and let your kid lead his own life.'

Michael:Michael begins the proverb 'It's the poor carpenter that blames his shoddy tools for the...' and immediately burns himself on the Cornballer.

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay bought a dress on the company credit card. Michael: 'You're returning that.' Lindsay: 'But...' Michael: 'Get a job.'

Gob · Michael · Narrator:Gob: 'I had another big fight with Marta.' Narrator explains Marta is a Spanish-language soap opera star. Gob: 'It looks like I'm going to be staying here for a while.' Michael: 'No, it doesn't. It doesn't look like that.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Maybe I should be more like you when it comes to parenting. No borders. No limits. Go ahead, touch the Cornballer. You know best.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'When I was a psychiatrist — and this is before I became an actor—' Michael: 'You're still not an actor.' Tobias: 'Lovely.'

Buster · Michael:Buster overhears: 'That's cool. Mom packed me a change of clothes.' — Michael has just said 'This is not going to be a day at the beach.'

Gob · Michael:Gob is in a bathrobe at the office. Michael: 'Gob, what are you doing here, and why are you in a bathrobe?' Gob: 'I camped out in the boardroom last night.'

Buster · Gob · Michael:Buster is in his bathing suit at the office. Michael: 'why is he in his bathing suit?' Gob: 'Mom dropped me off to spend time with Michael.'

Gob · Buster · Michael:Gob on Lucille: 'Spend time with Michael, or to serve her own menopausal needs? She's always got to wedge herself in the middle of us, so she can control everything.' Buster: 'Yeah. Mom's awesome.'

Gob · Michael:Gob to Michael: 'Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business, I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away. But I won't be happy.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'It's personal.' — then a long pause while Gob stares at him.

Buster · Michael:Buster attempting to handle a business call for Michael. Extended sequence of Buster failing at basic phone communication — 'We're excited. We want your business... And, uh, everybody at the Bluth Company... Here I go again.'

Buster · Michael:Buster: 'Your son is gonna love it.' Michael: 'Well, I guess 3:40 is as good a time as any to call it a day.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias sees Michael arrive and immediately announces himself: 'Would you hold the work, please? Oh, Michael.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'Why, because of the play? You're just a stand-in.' George Michael: 'No, no. It's not the play. It's just... you know, I can't go on a million bike rides whenever you want me to.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. in prison: 'I couldn't break away from the poker game. Capital G was down to his boxers.' Michael: 'Strip poker?' George Sr.: 'Yeah, and it's tough. We can really only play about two hands.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Are you crazy? I'm a magician. I make my living with my hands. And if I'm going to be staying here...' Michael: 'Staying here?'

Gob · Michael:Michael: 'What, did that Mexican throw you out?' Gob: 'She's not that Mexican, Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias to Michael about Steve Holt (now playing Beatrice): 'I wish I could say the same for Steve Holt. I don't know what the hell her problem is.' Michael: 'Her?' Tobias: 'Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I say that because I switched the parts.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'Perhaps if she dressed as a woman.' Tobias: 'She? Oh, for the love of God. She's playing a woman.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille to Michael: 'I'm not going to let you destroy my relationship with my son just because you don't have one with yours right now.'

Buster · Michael:Michael tells Buster he can make his own decisions. Buster: 'Michael. I wanna go with Mom.' Michael: 'You said that she shoots you down.' Buster: 'I was trying to fit in.'

Michael · Buster · Lucille:Michael: 'You were flying today, buddy.' Buster: 'Yes, I was flying... but a little too close to the sun.' Lucille: 'You let him go in the sun? Get in the backseat. I'll be right out.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael is in the kitchen waiting when Michael comes home. They decide to make cornballs together — and the Cornballer immediately burns them both.

Lindsay · Michael:What about the trees? — We're just gonna cover them up with blankets.

Michael:I'll never forget your wedding. [in response to Lindsay mentioning Neuterfest]

Lindsay · Michael:I care deeply for nature. — You're wearing ostrich skin boots. — I don't care about ostriches.

Gob · Michael:Michael! — That's Mom. Hide.

Michael:Gee, I wonder why. [after Lucille says Buster is self-conscious]

Michael:After we get that lot cleared, we're gonna have enough money for you to neuter thousands of animals. You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats.

Gob · Michael:Of course, that is gonna conflict with my going to the Desis with Marta. — Well, life's a compromise.

Gob · Michael:Thank you. I knew you'd come through. / How'd I come through? / Gob, how'd I come through?

Michael:You might wanna find something a little stronger, Warden. [referring to the warden's drink]

Michael:You're Marta? [Michael's visible shock at how attractive Marta is]

Michael · Marta:Listen, Marta, I hope you don't mind driving. I took a cab here. — Well, my brother may have eaten them. [Michael explaining he couldn't find his keys]

Michael · Marta:I haven't hired a limo or anything. — I don't mind. — I think you might. [followed by the stair car pulling up]

Michael:Where are the stairs? [Michael arriving at the Desi awards, realizing there are no exterior stairs — because he has the stair car]

Michael:Did you win? I-I don't speak Spanish.

Michael:Okay. I'll see you when you realize what that bucket's for.

Michael:I can see why your mom likes it. It is a really nice tree. We've gotta get it torn down. That must die... stupid tree.

Michael:Good talk. [Michael, after Buster's passionate brownish area speech]

Gob · Michael:Where the hell are the stairs? — Oh! I thought you were kidding!

Michael:Hey, speaking of kidding, how serious are you about Marta?

Gob · Michael:Let me ask you something. How would you feel if I came down on you hard? — You're saying I'm not reading this right. — No, I'm saying I need to jump on you to break my fall.

Michael:That's why you never get out of the tree. [after Johnny Bark abandons his tree protest to pursue Lindsay, and the bulldozers immediately knock the tree down]

Lucille Bluth · Michael:He's fine. I'll be in the hospital bar. — Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother. — Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

Gob · Michael:Hmm. You know what's funny? — Mmm. — I was gonna walk out of that prison last night and break up with her. Good thing you didn't bring the stairs, huh?

Michael:Mmm. Very funny. Yeah. It's hysterical. I'm lucky.

Michael:Well, you know, you gotta put family first. That's the stupid thing that I believe.

Michael:I've made a huge mistake. [Michael, alone, after realizing Gob is keeping Marta]

Doctor · Gob · Michael:Looks like the shiv would have done some real damage if it hadn't been for this. [holds up the swallowed key] / It was in your lower intestine. / So close.

Narrator · Michael · George Sr.:Narrator intro: 'Michael Bluth was visiting his father in prison... anxious to get to the bottom of some mysterious bookkeeping. George Sr. was also anxious, but less about the bookkeeping.'

Kitty · Michael · Narrator:Kitty says 'Your wife's on line one.' Michael's wife has been dead for two years. Beat. Kitty repeats: 'I said, your wife is on line one.' Narrator: 'But not immediately.'

Kitty · Michael:'That's actually not any of your business.' / 'My business. That's not any of my business.'

Michael:'Yeah, it's a real shame what's going on with this family. You're stuck by the pool, and Dad's getting picked last for softball.'

Gob · Michael:Gob is setting up an 'office' in Michael's workspace to write a 'strongly worded letter' to the warden.

Michael · Gob:Gob enters Michael's office: 'I wish I would've known you were coming. I am a mess.' / Michael: 'Don't know if a call from me would've changed that.'

Gob · Michael:Gob asks for Michael's chair to write his letter: 'Do you like my outfit?' / Gob: 'Not as much as I like what's underneath it.' / Michael: 'Gob!' / Gob: 'No, I need your chair. Get up.'

Michael · Narrator:Narrator: 'My God, she's repulsive.' — attributed to Michael's internal reaction to Kitty's obvious attraction to Gob.

Michael · Kitty:Michael offers Kitty a touch lamp as an incentive. Kitty responds: 'You're the one who needs therapy!'

Michael · George Michael:Michael arrives home happy that he won't have to visit prison. 'Hey, buddy! Came home early. Wanna do something? Anything. Anything at all.' / George Michael: 'I wanna visit Pop-Pop in prison.'

Michael:Michael tells George Michael prison is 'like a carnival. Without the half-person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's like a country club. All the guy does is eat ice cream and play softball all day.'

George Sr. · George Michael · Michael:George Sr. to George Michael in prison: 'I'm gonna die in here.' / George Michael's terrified reaction / Michael returns with ice cream sandwiches: 'One of these got smooshed, but don't let that ruin prison for you.'

Michael:One of these got smooshed, but don't let that ruin prison for you.

Michael · George Sr.:Michael to George Sr.: 'That's why I'm trying to get you out of here.' George Sr.: 'Maybe I've been in denial, but this place is breaking me, Mikey... and I'm alone here, but for you.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. on Lucille: 'Your mother's never shown her face.' Michael: 'She's never been here?' — Lucille's absence at the prison is revealed, immediately undercut: 'You should've heard the grief she gave me when I said I'd never show up again.' / 'You said... You said what?'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'I just haven't had sex in a month.' / Michael: 'You've been here two months.' / George Sr.: 'It's hard to gauge time.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael to Lucille: 'You know... there are certain things that he can't get from his children.' / Lucille: 'If you're going to say pride, you're wrong. He is proud of his children.' / Michael: 'Wasn't gonna say pride, Mom.'

Michael:Michael's increasingly tortured build-up: 'I think that you should... visit him... in an... intimate... marital... trailer.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'Did he say that he misses me? Does he need his wife's embrace?' / Cut to Michael's memory: 'Daddy horny, Michael.' / Michael: 'He said some wonderful things.'

Michael · Gob:Michael arrives home: 'Great news.' / Gob: 'Oh, good. I could use it.' / Michael: 'I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad.' / Gob: 'God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting!'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I Kitty.' / Michael: 'Gob, I just wanted you to get the information.' / Gob: 'Oh, I got the information.' / '...About the international accounts?' / 'I see what you're getting at. No, I didn't get any information.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'You just lost the touch lamp.' / Gob: 'What? No!' / Michael: 'The deal's off. I'm gonna use the touch lamp to set the mood in the conjugal trailer when Dad's nailing Mom!'

George Sr. · Michael · Lucille:George Sr. reacts to Lucille appearing in the prison: 'What the hell's your mother doing in here?' / Michael: 'You needed my help, and it was hard for you to ask, so I took it upon myself to bring her.' / George Sr.: 'That doesn't make you uncomfortable?' / Michael: 'The drive was a little awkward.'

George Sr. · Lucille · Michael:George Sr. panics as Lucille approaches: 'Hello, George.' / George Sr.: 'What the hell's your mother doing in here?' / 'Oh, I've done a bad thing.' / 'There's someone else in that trailer, isn't there?' / 'I've done a terrible thing.' / 'I've done a repulsive thing.'

George Sr. · Michael · Narrator:'How long? When did this start?' / George Sr.: 'Oh, come on! This is the first time.' / Narrator: 'Every Friday for the last eight years.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'Family first.' / Michael: 'Take care of Kitty.' / George Sr.: 'I need you now.' / Michael: '"International accounts" need me?'

Michael · Gob:Michael offers Gob: touch lamp + office + 'what the hell... full use of the secretary.'

Michael:Michael returns to George Michael: 'I had to help out your grandfather... and then I had to vow that I would never help your grandfather again. Pretty much a normal day for me.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael worries that if Pop-Pop could be in prison, 'anybody could be there.' Michael reassures him: 'I got news... he's, uh... he's guilty.' / 'He is?' / 'Oh, yeah.' / 'Incredibly guilty.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael Bluth was fed up with his mother's extravagant spending. / 'Like it was yesterday.' / 'It was this morning.'

Michael:I enjoy bicentennials as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.

Michael:He's weak. Speaking of weak, Mom, what do you got in there, gold bars?

Michael · Lucille:No more parties. Okay, Mom? / You're my third least-favorite child.

Michael:I can live with that.

Michael · Narrator:I'm sure there'd be somebody else out there that would appreciate her. In fact, Michael felt that man was himself.

Gob · Michael:I wanna throw Mom a party. / Would you... I just told Mom no more parties. / I know, Michael. That's why this is the perfect opportunity to throw her a surprise party. She'd never suspect it.

Lindsay · Michael:Michael, do you have any idea what would happen if I were to visit prison? / Hmm. / It would be pandemonium. / Mm-hmm.

Lindsay · Michael:It'd just give Dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks. / Yeah, I got some of that... except he also didn't like my looks.

Gob · Michael · George Michael:She was having trouble even lifting up this bag of groceries. / All right. We will do the surprise party. / For Gangy? / Yeah, how did you know? / She called and invited us.

Michael:Come on. This is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

Michael:Mom, you've already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person, and it's technically a spree.

Michael · Narrator · Lucille:Surprise! / And she was surprised... that her family didn't show up.

Michael:I mean, it would've been funny if it wasn't so... Well, it was kind of funny.

Michael:You know, Mom, I'm sorry you're upset. But if you were nicer, then maybe your kids would take better care of you... or wanna be with you more.

Lucille · Michael · Gob:I've been a horrible mother. / No, Mom. You're great. You've been a great mother. / Well, you know she's been a horrible mother, right? / You don't have to tell me.

Gob · Michael:Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you? / Yeah. / 'Cause I really like Mom. / We know.

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Michael, once again, arrived at the restaurant. — Surprise! — And once again, no one showed up.

Michael · Lucille:Get up. I told you. They don't support me. / I hate to tell you, Mom, but they don't support me either.

Lucille · Michael:You did that for me? / I let you drive, didn't I?

Michael:It's an idiot on a scooter at night? It's gotta be Gob.

Lucille · Michael:Hey, big shot, too busy to go to your mother's party? / Mom, that is not Gob. Mom! Mom!

Michael · Lucille:Yeah. I guess. How's my mom? She's so frail. / I'm fine. I'm fine. I was thrown clear.

Doctor/Nurse · Michael:Your mother asked me to pump you full of... / Children's aspirin. / Okay.

Michael:'Scoot'? Scooter. Was there a scooter involved?

Lucille · Michael:Oh, dear. I can't believe I did that. / I am so sorry. I'll get you some air. / I hardly felt it. In fact, actually, I didn't feel it.

Michael · Lucille:You know, I should call George Michael. I'm worried about my son. / I'm worried about my son. George Michael will be fine with his aunt and uncle. / I want you resting, not using the phone. Let me take care of you.

Michael:Totally cool. Didn't feel a thing. You know, Mom, I'm crazy about this aspirin. I can't believe we give it to children.

Michael · Buster:Buster, what's going on? What happened to your head? / Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer.

Michael · Lucille:Gob was there. Gob was on his scooter. I think I wanted to hit Gob. Yes. That is exactly what happened. You wanted to give Gob a scare.

Michael · Gob:Gob, I want you to move back onto the yacht. / The yacht? What makes you think I'd want to now?

Gob · Michael:Wow. How hard did you hit that steering wheel? / I actually hit the back of my head.

Michael · Gob:Yeah. I kind of like you. / Yeah.

Michael · Gob:Michael, I need your help. / Coming. / Ow! I got hit back there. / Right! On the back of the head, which means that you couldn't have hit the steering wheel.

Gob · Michael · Narrator:Mom must have clubbed you with a champagne bottle or something so she could drive. / Gob, how'd you figure it out? / It's funny you should ask that... / No. He didn't figure anything out.

Michael · Narrator:I probably got hit on the back of the head because of Buster's rock. Hey, big shot! Which was behind the passenger seat. Which means that she picked you up and dragged you over to the driver's seat.

Michael · Gob:Mom can't pick me up. She could barely pick up that bag of protein bars. / Guess what? They weren't protein bars. They were gold Krugerrands.

Lucille · Michael:You were going to South America? / I don't think so.

Michael · Lucille:I don't even remember you ever doing that before. / I just want my children to love me. / Stop lying. Stop manipulating. Just be nicer.

Lucille · Michael · Gob:I'm a horrible mother. / No, no, Mom. You're great. / That's crazy talk. / You're a fantastic mother. / I can't believe what I'm hearing, Mother. / Oh, we do. We really love you.

Narrator · Michael:Michael's insurance takes another hit. / Ow! / I was definitely driving that time.

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Narrator: 'Michael Bluth was fed up with his mother's extravagant spending.' Cut to Lucille asking for a yacht crew to throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen.

Michael:'I enjoy bicentennials as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.'

Michael:'Speaking of weak, Mom, what do you got in there, gold bars?'

Michael · Narrator:'I'm sure there'd be somebody else out there that would appreciate her.' / Narrator: 'In fact, Michael felt that man was himself.'

Gob · Michael:'It'd just give Dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks.' / 'Yeah, I got some of that... except he also didn't like my looks.'

Michael:'Come on. This is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.'

Michael:'Mom, you've already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person, and it's technically a spree.'

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Surprise party #1: Michael arrives with Lucille at the restaurant. 'Surprise!' — and she was surprised that her family didn't show up.

Michael · Lindsay:'What about you? Neiman's?' / 'Prison. Then Neiman's. But only because I'm going back to prison, and they've seen me in this.'

Lucille · Michael:At dinner, Lucille delivers her guilting monologue — 'It's dry' / 'I've been a horrible mother' — and Michael immediately capitulates.

Gob · Michael:'Well, you know she's been a horrible mother, right?' / 'You don't have to tell me. But what was I gonna say?'

Gob · Michael:'Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you? 'Cause I really like Mom.' / 'We know.'

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Surprise party #2: Michael arrives again with Lucille at the restaurant. 'Surprise!' — and once again, no one showed up.

Lucille · Michael:'You did that for me?' / 'I let you drive, didn't I?'

Michael:'Hey. Is that Gob? It's an idiot on a scooter at night? It's gotta be Gob.'

Lucille · Michael · Random Man:Lucille leans out the window yelling at the scooter rider — turns out it's not Gob — and hits him with the car.

Random Man · Lucille · Michael:'Yeah. I guess. How's my mom? She's so frail.' / 'I'm fine. I'm fine. I was thrown clear.' / 'I only care about you.'

Michael · Doctor:'What did you give me?' / 'Your mother asked me to pump you full of... Children's aspirin.'

Michael:Michael can't remember the accident due to short-term memory loss. 'Scoot... Scooter. Was there a scooter involved?'

Lucille · Michael:'Rest up, sweetie. You gave me quite a scare.' / [Michael processes] 'Scare. Did somebody say, "Let's give him a sc..."' / 'What is the matter with me? Clumsy Clara.'

Michael:'Totally cool. Didn't feel a thing. You know, Mom, I'm crazy about this aspirin. I can't believe we give it to children.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael pieces together the accident: 'Gob was there. Gob was on his scooter. I think I wanted to hit Gob.' / Lucille (Bluth): 'Yes. That is exactly what happened. You wanted to give Gob a scare.'

Gob · Michael:Michael tells Gob to move back onto the yacht: 'What makes you think I'd want to now?' Gob reacts with suspicion to the offer.

Gob · Michael:'Wow. How hard did you hit that steering wheel?' / 'I actually hit the back of my head.' / 'The back of your head?'

Gob · Michael · Narrator:'Mom must have clubbed you with a champagne bottle or something so she could drive.' / 'Gob, how'd you figure it out?' / 'It's funny you should ask that...' / 'No. He didn't figure anything out.'

Narrator · Gob · Michael:'Hey, big shot!' [Flashback to Lucille yelling out the window.] Which was behind the passenger seat. Which means that she picked you up and dragged you over to the driver's seat.

Michael · Gob:'Mom can't pick me up. She could barely pick up that bag of protein bars.' / 'Guess what? They weren't protein bars. They were gold Krugerrands.'

Michael · Lucille:'Mom, you and I were getting along so well. I was thinking so highly of you. How could you make me think this was all my fault?' / 'Because if you knew it was my fault, you would've turned against me. And I had finally gotten you on my side. You were sticking up for me. I don't even remember you ever doing that before.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'Stop lying. Stop manipulating. Just be nicer.' / Lucille: 'But...' / [long pause] / 'You're right.'

Lucille · Michael · Gob · Lindsay:'I'm a horrible mother.' / 'No, no, Mom. You're great.' / 'That's crazy talk.' / 'You're a fantastic mother.' / 'I can't believe what I'm hearing, Mother.'

Michael:Michael's insurance teaser: car crash #2. 'Ow! I was definitely driving that time.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael doing 'a little fun' before work, which turns out to be cost-projection analysis for a mini-mall

George Michael · Michael:Wow. That's pretty cool you know how to do all that stuff. / Yeah. Well, maybe your old man is just a little bit cooler than you thought he was.

Michael:Stupid. Stupid chair. Very stupid chair.

Michael:Not stealing. Not. I'm the one that taught you stealing is bad, all right?

Michael:I'm fine, by the way. Frankly, your concern is getting embarrassing.

George Michael · Michael:I'm not against the insides. People need meat to survive. You are aware they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?

Narrator · Michael:Michael wished Marta was his girlfriend. A secret he had only shared with Lindsay.

Michael:Neither would I. What career? The magic? Oh, the tricks. The little tricks.

Michael:Oh, sure. First you dump all over it, now you wanna know how it's done.

Michael:He is staying here. I just haven't seen him here... the foyer or the kitchen.

Michael:Tell her Gob is not staying here? Tell her Gob is screwing around on her? God knows where he is? Actually, that-that sounded okay.

George Michael · Michael:The noble one. The one who never wins. The loser. The fool.

Rollo · Michael:Get in. / What? / If you care about your brother, you'll get in this car. / Which brother?

Lucille · Michael:I'm so glad you're here. I want you to help me break up your brother and his girlfriend. / Well, I'm all for that. / He's locked on the balcony. / Oh. You meant Buster.

Lucille · Michael:She changed him as a baby. / Okay. That's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

Michael:That's why she didn't look surprised.

Michael · Buster:Sounds a little bit like 'dating Mom.' / It's starting to feel a little like it.

Gob · Michael:A magician. / I think you're confusing scary with silly. This guy was frightening. He was in a limo.

Gob · Michael:He wants to take my legs. / I-I don't... / The legs... The bottom half of my saw-the-lady-in-half trick.

Gob · Michael:No, not now. I'm showing him how to do the trick. / Two chicks curl up in a box. We call one the head and one the legs. / So that's how they do it. / God, I gotta stop giving these things away.

Gob · Michael:The old top half quit when she found out I was sleeping with the legs. / I guess word really gets around in there.

Michael · Gob:I get absolutely nothing out of it. / Well, you get a false feeling of superiority. / I know. That is nice, but this time, it's not enough.

Michael · George Michael · Gob:Why do I always have to be the one that has to set the good example for everyone? / Hey, guys. / Oh, that's why.

Michael:He said that, huh? Said that he's working, huh? Wow. Here? What else did he say? Did he tell you I gave him your message? Not that I'm the messenger, you know?

Marta · Michael:He said I was a treasure. / She's a treasure. And a once-in-a-lifetime woman.

Michael:Listen, Marta, Gob is... [long pause] ...a poet.

Michael · Rollo:And you will get your legs back. / How? / You're asking me to reveal my trick?

Lindsay · Michael:You're gonna put Marta onstage with the legs? / It's gonna blow up. Legs get upset. Marta gets upset. Marta leaves Gob, and I don't get shot.

Michael · George Michael:After Michael claims he's become a new, selfish man, the leather jacket appears to squeak/cause pain. George Michael: 'Did that hurt?' Michael: 'No.'

Michael · Tobias:Did you get a job or something? / No. No, I didn't. Unless you consider 'World's Coolest Daddy' a job.

Michael · George Michael:Yeah. I mean, we can't really change who we are anyway, right? / Wish you'd told me that before I threw away my Windbreaker.

George Michael · Michael:Oh, you bought a chair. / Uh, no, actually, I borrowed it. Like we talked about. / Well, I thought we decided that was like stealing. / Is that where we landed on that?

Gob · Michael:Where's the top half? / I have to teach her this trick. She's gotta fold her knees. / It's a fantastic trick. I don't want you to worry though. I've already told her.

Gob · Michael:Listen, I got you something... for being such a good guy... not that it's a surprise, you always are. / Oh, well, uh... / My watch. / I want you to have it. / Well, you've stolen so many things from me over the years. This is the first time you've ever given something back.

Michael · George Michael:Where's the leather jacket? / It's like you said... you can't change who you are. So what? So I don't have any hair on my arms or legs. So what?

Marta · Michael:You'd better tell Gob, the legs aren't coming. / Oh, my God. / I can't believe the legs would screw him like this. This is his one last chance. They'll never let him in the Alliance again. / You have to do something. This is so important to me and Gob.

Michael:Where am I gonna get a pair of beautiful women's legs on such short notice?

Narrator · Michael · Gob:So, the trick went forward as planned. / [Gob performs the trick; Michael is curled up in the box as 'the legs']

Michael:I'm okay with myself. I'm okay with myself.

Michael:This really worked better with the chair.

Michael · Gob:'I'm not an A.T.M.' 'I keep forgetting how hilarious you are.'

Michael · Hot Cop:'Aren't you guys gonna cuff him?' 'You wanted handcuffs?'

Michael:'It is unbelievable that you'd ask my son to score you pot.' [Michael confronting Buster while himself having just run an elaborate fake drug bust using strippers]

Michael · George Michael · Headmaster:Michael tells George Michael the next four years are about his future, then the headmaster reveals they now have a 'talking room' where students can talk to their heart's content, and George Michael's first words all day are 'Sounds like fun.'

Michael · Headmaster · Narrator:Michael assures the headmaster his family is 'back on track and no longer in any trouble' — cut immediately to the newspaper headline about the Klimpy's brawl.

Michael:'It's a ball of foil for my son.' — Michael explains what's in the foil while packing George Michael's lunch.

Michael · Narrator:Michael tells Tobias 'I never really noticed' about Jessie being cute — but the narrator immediately reveals he'd been working up the nerve to talk to her at the gym for weeks.

Michael · Jessie:Michael's flirting technique: 'Race you to the top of the hill.' Jessie brings a picnic lunch; Michael races anyway and arrives out of breath just as she's set up the picnic.

Michael · Jessie:'My relations are already a little too public. I'm Michael Bluth.' — Michael's pun in response to Jessie offering PR services.

Michael:Michael catches himself saying 'She's a little cutie pie' after claiming he never noticed Jessie was cute — escalating through 'cute,' 'she's cute,' 'she's a cutie,' 'cutie pie.'

Michael · Tobias:'That's not an option. / 'Cause you're scared? / No, because of George Michael. He still hasn't gotten over losing his mother. I just want to get him through high school; then we'll deal with me.'

George Michael · Jessie · Michael · Lindsay:George Michael gets a job at the banana stand, but the family (including Jessie) think he means a 'real' job — 'like a plumber or something' — and are shocked.

Tobias · Michael:'I truly believe that the universe wants me to be an actor and not a doctor. I'm just waiting for a sign.' / 'Here's your cash.' / 'Universal Shuttle picks you up at 8:00.' / 'Any sign, really.'

Michael · Jessie:The photographer takes a candid photo of Michael and Jessie as Jessie says 'Get one of Michael and me on a date.' Michael is shocked: 'A date? This is a date now?'

Michael · Jessie:Michael flirts by saying 'Can't it be a little bit of both?' about the date/business question, then asks 'How will I know which part of it is business?' Jessie teases him and Michael ends with 'Show me business again.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael comes home late from his 'date' with Jessie and tells George Michael that Jessie 'booked Gob a gig at Earl Milford's nursing home.' George Michael: 'Oh.' Michael: 'She's kinda something, isn't she?' George Michael: 'Yeah, I guess.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael and George Michael both over-emphatically deny that Michael is dating Jessie: 'You're not dating her.' 'No, I am not dating her.' 'Absolutely not dating her.' 'Just you and me. The Bluth boys.' 'Bluth boys.'

Michael:Michael tells Jessie 'This might be moving a little bit too fast for him... for us. Me. Uh, for me.' — catching himself in real time.

Michael · Jessie:Jessie quits: 'Let's take two steps back and why don't you find yourself a new publicist.' Michael calls after her: 'Jessie.' She keeps walking. Michael: 'No. I was just saying your name as you walked away. I didn't...' Long pause. 'I have no follow-up.'

Gob · Michael:Gob calls Michael in crisis: 'I need her to spin something for me.' Michael: 'Well, that's too bad because I think she quit. What do you need her to spin?' Gob: 'Murder.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Murder, huh? Who died?' Gob: 'My career.' Michael: 'I'm going to go home now.' Gob: 'I lost a guy.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael arrives at Jessie's, ready to recommit, saying 'I really want to make this work' — but is cut off by Lucille storming in: 'Get away from my son!'

Michael:Michael: 'Hey, Mom. Kind of on a date here.'

Lindsay · Michael · Jessie · Lucille:The article Jessie planted: 'Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess.' Lindsay reads it and Michael confronts Jessie. The Bluth family food fight at Rud begins.

Michael · Jessie · Lindsay · Lucille:Michael confronts Jessie about talking to George Michael: 'You said that to my son?' / Jessie: 'Yeah.' / Michael: 'You're on your own. Ladies?' — and the food fight begins.

Headmaster · Michael · George Michael:The Milford School headmaster tells Michael: 'It looks like you won't be getting into this school. Are you disappointed?' Michael turns to George Michael: 'Well, are you disappointed?'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'I didn't want to go to that school, and Jessie's a psycho.' Michael: 'That could've saved us a little bit of time.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael tells Michael it's fine if he wants to date. Michael: 'Yeah? Thanks, buddy.' George Michael: ''Cause you know, I mean, four women, that is kind of sad.' Michael: 'All right. Thank you.'

Michael:Michael: 'That could've saved us a little bit of time.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'But, Dad, if you ever want to date anyone else, that's fine with me.' Michael: 'Yeah? Thanks, buddy.' George Michael: ''Cause you know, I mean, four women, that is kind of sad.' Michael: 'All right. Thank you.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'I know you got married in college, but that was your sophomore year. You had your whole freshman year to...' Michael: 'That's enough honesty for now. Thank you. Good night.' George Michael: 'There must have been girls at parties.'

Michael · Lucille:Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine's Day party. — Did I? — You tricked me. — I deceived you, Mom. Tricked makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

Michael:There was somebody for a while, but it was too much of a brother... bother.

Narrator · Michael:Narrator: 'That can't feel good.' — after Michael says 'It's fine. I'm over it.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'This was supposed to be my anniversary toast.' / Michael: 'And this was supposed to be my Valentine's Day party.'

Michael:'After all that, I was kinda hoping somebody would make a speech.'

Buster · Michael:Buster says 'Don't forget my girlfriend' to Michael's toast — Michael says 'That's who I meant' — implying he just confused Buster's girlfriend Lucille 2 with his own mother Lucille.

Michael:Michael nearly says 'George Michael and Maeby' in his toast, then catches himself — 'I almost said George Michael and Maeby.'

Michael · Marta · Narrator:Michael concludes his toast 'To love and happiness' — immediately cuts to Marta saying 'I love you all, Marta' and realizing it was Michael she wanted.

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay asks Michael for divorce advice, referencing his toast — 'Should I use Barry or just bolt in the night? I'm leaning toward bolt in the night.'

Michael:Michael says he's not judging — 'On the other hand, I am doing it anyway, so let me suggest...'

Lucille · Buster · Michael:Lucille interrupts the call: 'Can I throw out this yogurt?' — Buster responds with two simultaneous conversations, Michael has to manage both.

Michael:Michael advises Buster to move out — adds 'you don't want to take any chances with yogurt, Mom. Just let her throw it out' — addressing both simultaneously.

Michael · Gob · Marta:Three-way phone call confusion: Michael says 'nobody' is with him (Marta is there), Gob says 'well now I don't know what's going on.'

Gob · Michael:'If anyone's gonna go out with that girl, it's gonna be one of us. Right. Me. And I'm okay with that.'

Michael:Michael asks a soap opera crew member 'I'm looking for Hermano' — everyone points to 'their brother.' He follows the chain of pointing across the entire set.

Michael:'Son of a bitch.' — Michael's reaction when the chain of pointing leads back to the beginning or a dead end.

Lucille · Michael:Lucille, alone in her apartment, says she's 'never lived in the apartment alone' and fears she's 'not up to this.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael cites Caged Wisdom to Lucille — 'There is joy in solitude, Lucille. Try being alone. It just might make you happier.' Lucille: 'Honey, my happiest times here are alone.' — Immediately asks the building manager about the 'hole being available between 4:00 and 6:00.'

Michael:Michael: 'I don't even want to know what that means.'

Gob · Michael:She's at the house. She's at the house! I'm gonna speak very carefully in case she's with you. You're right. Right about what? She's there! What's going on?

Michael · Marta:Michael and Marta have a dinner conversation about relationships that is simultaneously about completely different things — he thinks she's talking about Gob; she's talking about Michael himself.

Michael · Marta:What the hell is he talking about? [Michael's confessional cut to Marta] What is she talking about? [Marta's cut]

Michael · Marta's Son:Michael bribing Marta's young son with cake to get information about 'Hermano.' 'I'll give you what you want if you give me what I want. Tell me everything you know about... Hermano.'

Michael:Michael bribes Marta's young son with cake to get information about 'Hermano' — 'I'll give you what you want if you give me what I want. Tell me everything you know about Hermano.'

Michael · Marta's Son:Does your mother love 'Hermano?' Sí, mi hermano. He's here? Sí. He's sleeping. Don't go in there.

Michael · Marta:Michael confronts Marta about 'lying and sneaking around, moving on to the next guy' — not realizing she's trying to tell him SHE'S moving on to HIM.

Michael · Marta:We can keep going around in circles, but maybe one of us should just come out and say what it is we want to say. / You're right. / It's not working with Gob.

Michael:This can never be. [Michael declares, storming out after completely misreading the situation]

Michael · Marta:Michael sees the gift bag, asks: 'What does te amo mean?' / 'I love you.' / '...And who's in there?' / 'Mi hermano.' / 'Brother.' / 'I've made a huge mistake.'

Gob · Michael:Gob's phone call: 'Maybe because you've only had sex four times.' / 'Four women! Not four times! And they talk to me because I talk to them.'

Narrator · Michael · Buster:Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years. Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster.

Michael:I don't think us sleeping together is working out.

Michael:You're a grown man. You should be living with your mother.

Michael · George Michael:George Michael asks for help on his ethics essay about whether a preemptive strike is justified; Michael immediately starts dictating confident, glib answers and is annoyed George Michael isn't typing fast enough.

George Michael · Michael:I'm not sure if my ethics teacher would love if I cheated on my essay. / Well, you just passed my ethics test.

Michael:Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it?

Gob · Michael:Gob calls Michael offering 'a couple of fun girls' as an olive branch after the Marta situation.

Gob · Michael · Buster:Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone? / Buster. / What time and where?

Gob · Michael:This is Shannon, the girl I've been telling you all about. / Yes. Girl, indeed... young girl. That's a young, young, young, girl. / Yeah, well, she's 18.

Gob · Michael:Shannon wouldn't go out without a chaperone, and so she's your date. (Nazhgalia, an older woman with a mustache, is Michael's blind date)

Michael · Nazhgalia:Oh... 'Nagarma,' you've got a mustache. / Hey! / I mean, you've got milk on your mustache. / Oh. / I mean, you've got a milk mustache. / It's adorable. You look like one of those 'Got Milk' models.

Michael · Lindsay:Hey, Linds, is it my imagination or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?

Michael:Mmm. No ring. (Michael spots Ms. Baerly for the first time at Parent-Teacher Night)

Michael:Ethics... right and wrong. How can one thing can be right and another one be wrong? I mean, which is which, you know? I guess that's the 'Rrrr' of it.

Michael · Ms. Baerly:I had him, Mr. Daniels. How is he? / Oh, he, you know, had a stroke. / Thought you were joking. / No, I was just laughing 'cause you were laughing. / Right. No. Yeah. Gosh.

Michael · Ms. Baerly:Can a parent take a teacher out for a drink? Or... I don't know. Uh, do you have a wife? / Yeah, but she's dead.

Ms. Baerly · Michael:Have you ever been married? / Yeah, she died. / Ohh. God, why are we laughing? / I don't... Well, it's the Mr. Daniels stroke thing all over again.

Lucille · Michael:Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him. At least, I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can even tell.

Michael · Lucille:Yeah, Mom. I just spoke to Social Services and although they don't like to do this, if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child — and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word — they will take him back.

Lucille · Michael:Yes, Annyong. Excuse me. Oh, Michael? Call it off. / I'm keeping him.

Michael · Ms. Baerly:No, no. That was my Mom. She just had a 'little Korean' dropped off. / Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that.

Michael · Ms. Baerly · Buster · Gob:Michael sneaks Ms. Baerly into the model home at night, and they are discovered by Buster and Gob — who independently are also sneaking in.

Gob · Michael:I'm sorry too, Michael, but it looks like we're even. You took something I liked. I took something you liked.

Michael · Gob:Listen, I know that you've been trying to get even with me about Marta. But got bad news for ya. I'm seeing somebody else. / Who? Who? / Just out of curiosity — I'm not gonna try to sleep with her.

Michael · Gob:Forget it. I thought this was behind us. / It is behind us. / Great. / When I sleep with her. 'Cause I'm gonna sleep with her.

Michael · Gob:She'd have to agree to it. / I don't anticipate a problem with that. / No? / No. 'Cause I've seen some of the dogs you like. / Right. / I just slept with one.

George Michael · Michael:George Michael has been up making a poster of Saddam Hussein in a bathing suit for Ms. Baerly because 'she loves Saddam Hussein.'

Michael · George Michael:You mean you love her like... like she loves Saddam? / No, no. I mean, like love her love her.

Michael · George Michael · Narrator:Michael tells George Michael that Gob slept with Ms. Baerly — when actually Michael was the one dating her.

Narrator · Michael:Michael knew he had an ethical responsibility to tell his son the truth. / Yes. / Your Uncle Gob slept with her.

Michael:Gob, he just... He's not that exact of a target shooter, and he just kind of sprays it everywhere.

Michael · George Michael:Don't you think you should be taking somebody your own age? / Like your cousin. / That's a bad example, but...

George Michael · Michael:I defaced a rare book to get that picture of Saddam Hussein in a bathing suit. / 'What would Saddam do?' / Yeah.

Michael · Ms. Baerly:I told him that you slept with my brother. / That may be the most unethical thing I've ever heard. / Well, you've only been doing this half a semester.

Michael:Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would've tried to sleep with you.

Michael · Ms. Baerly:And you will not see me again. / Starting right now. (Michael lingers awkwardly at the door)

Gob · Michael · Narrator:I slept with the ethics teacher. I'm sorry. / What are you talking about? / Lindsay told me that you liked her and I'm not proud of this, but... Mrs. Whitehead. / In fact, Gob mistook the civics teacher for the ethics teacher Michael was dating.

Michael · Gob:Gob, Mrs. Whitehead was the civics teacher. / We both had her. / Yes, we have. And now we're even.

Michael:He said that you wanted her as a mother, and I said that was ridiculous — but then I met her and kind of fell for her and thought that she would kind of make a great mother.

Michael · George Michael · Ms. Baerly:Well, you know, I'm open to it. We're open to it. / Wow! / No, no, no, no. / I'm just saying someday, you know.

Ms. Baerly · Michael · George Michael:I'm not really into kids. / I'm just... I'm not trying to rush anything. / Hey! The lady said no, man.

Michael · Jeremy (Student):Hey, uh, you wanna dance? / Sure, why not? (Michael asks the student who just gave Ms. Baerly the cupcake to dance)

Michael:Michael, watching his son dance with his ex-date: 'I can't believe that would have worked.'

Michael · George Michael · Narrator:Michael's Saturday morning 'bike ride' with his son — Michael is driving a slow car alongside George Michael on a bike, multitasking work calls instead of being present

Michael · George Michael · Buster:Michael answers his phone mid-sentence to his son, causing Buster (on a bike nearby) to crash

Michael · George Michael:Michael takes a work call mid-bike-ride, nearly causes a crash, then says 'Nice instincts, son. Good reflexes.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'You get a paycheck from the Bluth Company?' / Lucille: 'It's important to the company that I keep up the image of my lifestyle.' / Michael: 'Illusion, Mom.'

Buster · Michael:Buster: 'Does that mean I have to go to your office to get mine, too, or how's that work?'

Michael · Buster:Michael tells Buster he'll have to work in the copy room to earn his money. Buster: 'Okay. I accept. I'll take that job. I will work in the copy room.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael's staff meeting: 'Now, I know we've been putting in a lot of hours, but we've got to keep our heads down and power through, you know, and... sacrifice.' — and Lindsay walks in demanding a paycheck in the middle of it

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'Dad hired me out of college.' Michael: 'You quit college.' Lindsay: 'Yeah, well, I had a job. What was the point?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay leaves the staff meeting when Michael says 'staff' — 'Well, you said staff.'

Gob · Michael:Gob arrives at the construction site claiming Kitty 'is starting to sound pretty damn sexy to me' over the phone — then Michael reveals it was Lindsay

Michael · Foreman:Michael to the foreman about Buster: 'I got Buster here to help.' Foreman: 'That's another guy.'

Gob · Michael:Gob yells 'Pick up the pace, douche bag!' at workers; Michael echoes 'You too, candy ass!' then pauses and says 'Candy ass.'

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator · Employees:Michael: 'They're sheep. They'll wander off, and you'll lose the sheep.' Lindsay: 'They'll be fine.' — cut to employees boarding Lupe's family reunion bus thinking Lindsay chartered it for lunch

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'All right? They'll wander off, and you'll lose the sheep. You've lost the sheep.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay shows Michael the completed proposal: 'It's right here, Michael. You weren't here and everything got done while I was in charge. See? Not so hard, what you do.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'You really think I could leave here and everything would be fine?' Lindsay: 'I think everything would be fine but you.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'If I didn't have that phone call from the zoning committee—' Lindsay: 'You'd have no reason to live. I'll have it forwarded to your cell.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael 'relaxes' at the beach by working on subdivision plans in the sand, barking orders at his son: 'These units aren't too close together. We can get away with this, right, people? All right. Just speed it up. Come on. Keep your heads down. Power through.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'Where is my phone?' George Michael: 'I used it to dig the B unit.' Michael: 'You what?' 'I'll get it.' 'No, no, you're gonna ruin it!'

Michael · George Michael:Michael is on the phone panicking about the subdivision caving in — cut to his sand castle collapsing into a 'giant pool'

Michael:Michael on the phone: 'Great. Now we're never gonna finish phase three... This whole thing is gonna cave in... Great. Now my sand castle has a giant pool in it.'

Gob · Lindsay · Michael:Gob: 'You'd bring in scabs, just like that?' Lindsay: 'Watch me.' — then Michael arrives and overrides everything

Michael · Narrator:Michael's solution to the zoning problem (no individual pools, one big communal pool) is revealed to have been inspired by his sand castle collapsing

Michael · Lindsay:Michael tells Lindsay she was right, suggests rewarding staff with a party; Lindsay: 'Right. I didn't mean tonight. Just some time in the future when we have some extra food and liquor.' — then immediately yells 'Lupe! I need help with the groceries!'

Michael · George Michael:Michael and George Michael finally relax together; Michael: 'Thanks for coming out. I've been dying to get some time with you.' George Michael: 'That's okay. I know how much you care about me.' Michael: 'Unfortunately, so does the federal government.'

Gob · George Michael · Michael:'I'm still kind of tweaking my nipples... The presentation was great.' / 'Hey. Whoa!'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'George Michael, you should get to school.' / 'No, we're off for two weeks.' — Michael doesn't know about spring break

Gob · Michael:Spring break! It's my favorite holiday. Nothing gets me more excited. / 'I can see that. You might wanna button that shirt up.' / 'No, I'm good.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you. And you don't even realize it.' / 'Michael, I'm a magi...' / 'I see what you did.'

Michael · Kitty:Michael: 'Kitty, these are not the files I asked for.' / Kitty: 'Oh, then I don't know what I shredded.'

Michael · Kitty:'Have you had a chance to type up that report yet?' / 'No, I have been Googling your father.' / 'So I've heard.'

Michael · Lindsay:Discussing inheritance: 'Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline, but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60/40.' / Michael: '55/55.' / Lindsay: 'Deal.'

Kitty · Michael:Kitty: 'Much better. Man, I was really stuffed up there!' — gesturing below her chin, Michael looks up

Michael · Kitty:Kitty: 'Break? You were just out.' / 'That was my sick leave. This is vacation.'

Kitty · Michael:Kitty describes going to Senor Tadpoles 'having a margarita made in my mouth' — Michael: 'There will be no margarita in your mouth!' / Kitty: 'Oh, yes, there absolutely will be a margarita in my mouth!'

Kitty · Michael:Kitty flashes Michael during the argument: 'Put the shirt back down and keep on moving.'

Kitty · Michael:Kitty: 'I work for your father. You don't have the hiring and firing power.' — after being fired

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. on Kitty's chest: 'Oh, my God, you paid for those, didn't you?' — implying he paid for Kitty's implants

George Sr. · Michael:Reaction beat: George Sr. imitates his twin brother's begging face for Michael

George Sr. · Michael:'Oh, God, there's nothing to hold on to down there. You're like a boy.'

George Sr. · Michael:'All these books are cooked!' / 'I'm sorry. I gotta do my job.' / 'And I gotta get out of prison.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'What the hell are you doing?' / Gob: 'Dad, it's misdirection. You're supposed to keep your eye on the shirt in the hat.'

Michael · Buster · George Michael:'Buddy, what are you doing here?' / 'I'm dying to see how he makes this yacht disappear.' / 'He's not going to make the yacht disappear. I told him that.' / 'It's driving me crazy. It's like a mind puzzle, an awesome mind puzzle.'

Gob · Michael:'Don't worry. He's gonna be covered with a blue dot. He approached me.' — Gob about George Michael being in a Girls With Low Self-Esteem video

Gob · Michael:Gob post-intimacy becomes 'really girlie' — 'He's my brother, and he's never even said 'Good job.' I just want him to love me, you know?' Michael: 'Wow, you get really girlie after, huh?'

Gob · Michael:Gob after sex: 'Wow, you get really girlie after, huh?' — Michael ignores this

Kitty · Michael:Kitty to Michael at restaurant: 'Who are you asking back, Michael? Me? Or these?'

Michael · Kitty:Kitty: 'I never really left, because we both know that you can't fire people.' / Michael: 'No, I did fire you, and now I'm hiring you back.' / 'You don't have authority over me.' / 'They don't have nachos here.'

Kitty · Michael:Kitty: 'Did you hear that, everyone? Michael Bluth is threatening me!' — then: 'I've gotta get out of here. I'm a part of the story. I can't be a part of the story.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'Isn't this much more fun, working with your Dad?' — George Michael's dead-eyed non-response

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'What did he say?' / George Michael: 'If I clean it up, it's not really a sentence.'

Lindsay · Michael · Lucille:Michael asks about Nana; Lindsay: 'I think Mom sent her to a nursing home, some gray, windowless room... against her will.' — cut to Lucille on phone

George Michael · Maeby · Michael:Michael asks George Michael how the weather is — George Michael answers 'Nice. Sunny.' — then Maeby plants the idea to sneak on the yacht without Michael noticing

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Michael, a magician never reveals his...' / '...I sunk it! I sunk the yacht!'

Michael · Gob:'You sank a $700,000 yacht?' / 'It's $900,000 worth of insurance on it. And got rid of the evidence. How about a "good job"?'

Maeby · Michael:Maeby: 'Um, well, if he's not here, I'd just have to say he's probably on the yacht.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael fires George Michael from the office to give him a real spring break: 'You're fired.' / 'Really? Can you fire people?' / 'Yeah. Go have a spring break.'

Michael · Narrator:Michael: 'She'll turn up.' — about missing Kitty — cut to Kitty apparently having been grabbed for evidence

George Michael · Michael:Michael: 'Are you sure you're gonna be okay without Kitty?' George Michael: 'Don't you worry. She'll turn up.' [Long pause as Kitty is actually missing]

Police Officer · Michael · Narrator:'On the Next AD': Michael is questioned about Kitty's disappearance. 'She showed her knobs in the steakhouse, sir.' — police using 'knobs' as official terminology

Michael · Lucille:"I don't understand how a person can put their sex life in front of their work." / "He's a man, Michael. He needs a woman."

George Sr. · Lucille · Michael:George Sr. wants to fight the case because of Cindi's secret encouragement — "I want to fight this thing. I can beat it. I know it for a fact." — mirroring her exact words

Michael · Lindsay:"I don't remember that." / "Well, you left during my solo."

Michael · Lindsay:"And I'm surprised my twin sister can remember that, considering she was repeating the ninth grade at the time."

Gob · Michael:Gob claims Michael has slept with fewer than five women; Michael neither confirms nor denies, and Gob says "Let's say 'five'."

Narrator · Michael:Narrator: "The next morning, Michael was wondering how to end his first one-night stand."

Michael:"Well, it's tough with your hands in the way." — Michael's comment when asked to show his smile

Michael · Maggie Lizer:Michael flashes back to Maggie saying "I have an irreversible case of ocular retinoblastoma" and he responded "Hey, I thought we said no more law talk"

Michael · Maggie Lizer:Flashback exchange: "I really can't see anybody right now." / "Oh, well, I can't see anybody ever. I'm blind." / "I'm wasted."

Michael:Michael's guilt monologue: "Come on. I took a blind woman home with no intention of dating her again? Please!"

Michael · Gob:Michael cuts off Gob's advice with "God! How do you not s—" then catches himself

Gob · Michael:Gob reveals he accidentally got married: 'She knows that I'm Gob Bluth, and we got married, and I just...' Michael: 'What?' Gob: 'Well, she was a darer.'

Maggie Lizer · Michael:Maggie: "I thought I smelled you coming." / Michael: "Mm. Yeah, here I am."

Michael:"You don't have any evidence of handsome." — Michael's response to Maggie calling him handsome

Michael:Michael offers to be Maggie's "Seeing Eye dog" on their walk

Michael:Michael starts narrating the park to Maggie: 'There's an elderly couple walking hand in hand... Three years is what I give them, and then one of them dies...'

Michael · Maggie Lizer:Michael describes the park to Maggie while secretly reading the plea document — his descriptions of the 'elderly couple' are actually him reading the plea

Michael:Michael confesses he didn't read the plea: "I definitely definitely read this uh... the first part of this first, uh, section." Long pause. "Uh, no. Did not read it."

Lucille · George Sr. · Michael:The family collectively decides to take the plea without reading it, persuaded by Lucille saying "It's so nice and thick."

Michael:Michael panics in court: "You gotta get more time. Get more time. She can smell me. She smells everything."

Gob · Lindsay · Michael:Gob: "That's the blind chick you slept with?" Lindsay: "Michael, you're in bed with the prosecution?" Gob: "It's genius. You can get all the information we need."

Maggie Lizer · Michael:Maggie gives Michael the government's entire case summary against the Bluth family — then asks "Do we have a case?" revealing she trusts a man she met in a bar to evaluate the evidence against his own family

Gob · Michael:"On the next" stinger: Gob encounters a maritime lawyer — "How am I ever gonna find a maritime lawyer?" / Michael's fake identity appears / "I trade trained seals for a living."

Narrator · Michael:Narrator introduces Chareth Cutestory as the false identity Michael gave himself

Narrator · Michael:He decided to keep seeing her so as not to appear superficial — the woman is blind and can't see his face anyway

Gob · Michael · Narrator:Gob shows up in a garish bright sweater because 'the wife likes me in bright sweaters' — but he only got married days ago on an escalating dare

Michael:Well, least you finally consummated it, huh?

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Okay, Michael. This makes matters better. Let's just destroy it and move on with our lives.'

Michael:I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Michael:No one's gonna sue anybody. I'm not gonna have my son start abusing the legal system like the rest of this family. After all, we're gonna need it for years to come.

Michael:Well, I'm not the main idiot, but I'm the idiot in charge.

Maggie · Michael:You feel sincere. / Damn it. I have spent the last five hours hating you...

Maggie · Michael:Maggie: 'You feel sincere.' — after Michael says she'd see how sorry he is if she could see his face

Maggie · Michael:Maggie reveals she already knew Michael was Michael Bluth — 'I'm blind, Michael. I'm not stuffed up. You smelled me.'

Maggie · Michael:I'm blind, Michael. / I'm not stuffed up. / You smelled me. / I smelled you, baby.

Maggie · Michael:Well, you lied to me. Chareth Cutestory? / I know. 'Thou shalt not make up a name in vain.'

Maggie · Michael:Look at me. This could get me... Are you actually looking at me? / Yes, I am.

Michael:This is the second most unethical thing I've ever done.

Maggie · Michael:Well, it's like the Ten Commandments saying. 'Be true to thine own self, and to thine own self... Be true.' Number seven.

Michael · Maggie:I think I'm ready now. / All right. / Okay.

Vet · Michael:Justice is blind. / Justice cannot be blind, Doc. He's got a handle and everything. Come on, boy.

Michael · Vet:Maybe his peripheral isn't great... but he's been leading a blind woman around. / I think she's been leading him around. / But that would mean that Maggie isn't blind.

Michael:Michael: 'Justice cannot be blind, Doc. He's got a handle and everything.'

Michael · Maggie:Oh, Justice, what is it, boy? What is it? Is there some jackass in my bathrobe?

Narrator · George Michael · Michael:George Michael spotted his father and, not wanting to appear to be abusing the legal system, found a place to hide. / Michael, determined to expose Maggie, hid to avoid tipping his hand.

Michael · George Michael · Narrator:Michael also hides — 'Michael, determined to expose Maggie, hid to avoid tipping his hand.' Both Michael AND George Michael are hiding from each other at the courthouse.

Michael · George Michael:And for what it's worth, George Michael, you cannot let people get away with that. / It's just so hard to know what the right thing to do is. / I know it. It's not like there's some list of rules handed down to us from on high. / Watch your head.

Michael · Narrator:'It's not like there's some list of rules handed down to us from on high.' Ten Commandments fall on Michael's head.

Michael:Your Honor, the purpose of a court of law is to find the truth... after all, they say justice is blind. Surely, she has enough sight to catch the truth before it hits her in the face.

Narrator · Maggie · Michael:Unfortunately, Maggie had been temporarily blinded that day. / I can't see! / Bailiff. / That was my plan. What do you got?

Michael · Maggie:You know, we're saying good-bye, and this is actually the first time that I feel you can really see me. / Yeah. / We're just two people staring at each other fully exposed in a court of law.

Michael · Ira Gilligan:Michael meeting with the company accountant named 'Ira Gilligan'

Michael · Ira Gilligan · George Sr.:The thermostat gag: Michael's office is freezing while George Sr.'s office (via satellite/adjacent) is hot — Ira keeps commenting on the temperature instead of the financial crisis

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I've gotta get rid of her.' / Michael: 'You know, I said two weeks ago that I thought it was a stupid idea. Suddenly Dad says it and it's good advice?'

Gob · Michael:Gob tells Michael to tell his wife he's 'insensitive and unreliable... something about how you can never confront people. You need someone to clean up your messes.' Michael: 'See, that's great. And that's just off the top of your head.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'I don't know. I probably stole it. I mean, if he says it's missing, it is. Unless he stole it. Hey, maybe he stole it.' / Michael: 'He's the one that said it's missing.' / George Sr.: 'Yeah, I probably stole it.'

George Sr. · Michael · Ira Gilligan:The Ira/IRA/Gilligan confusion escalation: George Sr. promises money will be saved in 'I.R.A.s' / Michael corrects 'It's Ira, sir' / George Sr. says 'Will be saved in Iras' / 'What the hell is this, Gilligan?' / 'It's Ira, sir. Please call me...' / 'Gilligan!'

George Sr. · Ira Gilligan · Michael:Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be saved in I.R.A.s. / It's Ira, sir. / Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. / Will be saved in 'Iras.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'Take him out for some fishing or something. Fun. Guy fun.' / Michael refuses / George Sr.: 'Oh, that's right. You hated fishing.' / Michael: 'No, I didn't.' / George Sr.: 'No, I'll get Gob. He liked it.' / Michael: 'I liked fishing. Where are you going? I'm fun.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'Yeah, well, I was wacked on Zanotab the entire time. I thought Zanotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.' / Michael: 'For 15 minutes. Then it burns when you pee, and your marriage goes to hell.'

Gob's Wife · Michael:Gob's wife tells Michael 'Are you hitting on me? Gob said that would happen.' — after Michael was trying to convince her Gob is unreliable.

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Hey, Gob. It's a good thing you're not staying married to this girl. You've got her hating me... at least your version of me, which is actually you.'

Michael:Michael: 'I guess being your brother and solving all your problems for you doesn't qualify me as your best man.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Don't worry. You're still...' / Michael: 'What? Invited?' / Gob: 'No, I was gonna say you're still the guy I want solving my problems, but, yeah... Let me talk to Dad about that invite situation.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael's pitch for the fishing trip: 'We get to stay at a hotel, get up at 4:00 a.m., slap on the old seasick patch. We're gonna get out there on the choppy ocean. We're gonna catch ourselves a little lunch.' / George Michael: 'Oh, we get to eat it?' / Michael: 'After we gut it.'

Michael · George Michael:We get to stay at a hotel, get up at 4:00 a.m., slap on the old seasick patch. / We're gonna get out there on the choppy ocean. We're gonna catch ourselves a little lunch. / Oh, we get to eat it? / After we gut it.

Michael · George Michael · Gob · Buster:Michael: 'Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood.' / George Michael: 'Why do you guys have buckets of blood?' / Gob: 'It's not real blood. It's corn syrup and red dye.' / Buster: 'Juice.' / Gob: 'We have unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael to George Michael: 'They think they're having fun, Son, but it's not lasting fun. It is fleeting fun, like a bachelor party. What we got here is lasting fun.'

Michael · George Michael · Pool Guests:Good night, Son. / Good night, Dad. / Marco! / Polo! / Marco! / Polo! / Marco!

Bachelor Party Guests · Michael · George Michael:Marco Polo game being played at the bachelor party pool, overheard by Michael and George Michael in their hotel room at bedtime

Michael · George Michael:Michael's manipulation: 'I'd hate to miss it, because I was too proud.' / George Michael: 'Wait a minute. Too proud? What does this have to do with too proud?' / Michael: 'Actually, that part was kinda just for you. I was just worried the whole thing wasn't gonna land unless I included the pride part.'

Michael:Michael arrives at the bachelor party: 'I'm here to support him, like all these, uh, hot men and Ira.'

George Sr. · Michael:Well, you're not gonna stay. I mean, this isn't your kind of scene. / Dad, please, stay out of it, all right? I'm here for Gob. Now, where are the strippers?

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'Well, you're not gonna stay. I mean, this isn't your kind of scene.' / Michael: 'Dad, please, stay out of it, all right? I'm here for Gob. Now, where are the strippers?'

Michael:Michael discovers the back room and sees what appears to be a dead body / stripper: 'Huh? Huh? Huh? I can handle a back room.' — then sees the stripper and immediately says 'I'm calling the cops.'

Michael · Gob · George Sr.:Michael gestures for Gob to punch George Sr. / George Sr.: 'Oh, no. No, no. Don't you dare, mister.' / Gob punches him.

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'You're the best man. You're my best man.' / Michael: 'Not if I have an actual ceremony, 'cause Dad would kill me, but...'

Gob · Michael:You're the best man. You're my best man. / Not if I have an actual ceremony, 'cause Dad would kill me, but...

Gob's Wife · Gob · Michael:Gob's wife bursts in: 'Gob, I want out. I'm in love with your brother.' — then corrects: 'In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.'

Gob's Wife · Gob · Michael · Tobias:Gob's wife: 'Gob, I want out. I'm in love with your brother.' / Gob to Michael: 'You did it again, you son of a bitch!' / Michael: 'No, no! She's...' / Gob: 'In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay mentions 'Mother's neck' as a 'bad investment' and Michael corrects: 'No, that was a good investment. It is easier to look at now, isn't it?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I want to have an affair. Now, I'm not sure with who yet, but I'll need lingerie, waxings...'

Lindsay · Michael:Michael: 'These are some real costs, Michael.' — narrator's line describing Lindsay's actual itemized affair budget

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Why don't you pick something else to boost up your self-worth? How about charity? Why don't you get back to your roots?' Lindsay: 'Well, it has been a while.' Michael: 'You're gonna go get your hair done, aren't you?'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'Oh, that's funny. I meant a matter of L and D — Life and Death.' [the note read 'a matter of land']

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'You know, Mom, if you want an operation that's really gonna help him, you ought to have them finally cut that cord.'

Michael · Lucille · Narrator:Flashback young Michael: 'Tracy won't marry me. I won't get a job, and...' Lucille: 'Let Mama take care of it.' [Narrator: The next day, Mr. Vandenbosch was not in school. He was never heard from again.]

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'I seem to remember a certain grown man who completely fell apart two weeks ago when I taped over the Nova special that had the girl on it he liked.' Michael: 'That was Buster. That's my point.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. (on phone from prison): 'So listen. My twin brother's in town. I want you to take care of him. Give him ten grand from the uh, new cash. Just send him on his way.'

George Sr. · Michael:Michael: 'Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?' George Sr. 'Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful though.'

Michael · Jordan:Michael: 'Especially Jordan. He's just waiting for me to screw up, so he can blow the whistle on me.' [Jordan, who is present, says nothing — then immediately offers to be bought out]

Jordan · Michael:Jordan: 'You don't need a whistle-blower around here.' Michael: 'Interesting choice of words, Mr. Jordan.'

Michael · Board member:Board member: 'He kept one.' Michael: 'There's a good example of whistle-blowing. But you've kept yours, so it's hurting your case.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias to Michael: 'I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'That's not what I was thinking.' Tobias: 'Sorry, I just...' [trails off]

Lucille 2 · Michael:Lucille 2's confession of love leads to a cascading confusion: 'I'm in love with your brother-in-law.' 'You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?' 'No. Your sister's husband.' 'Michael? Michael!' 'No, that's your sister's brother.' 'I'm my sister's brother.' 'You're in love with me. Me!' 'I'm in love with Tobias.'

Michael:Michael: 'Actually, that time that was what I was thinking.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's reunion hug with Michael: 'Wow, you are like, like a rock. Oh, the tension! Come on. Oh, okay. That's plenty. Okay. That's the pancreas right there.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'I have lemons, I make lemonade.' Oscar: 'I hate the lemonade business. I hate the grind. You have to grind so many... lemons.' Michael: 'You're not a very metaphorical person, are you?'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'The love that was taken from me.' Michael: 'I hope that was the espresso machine.'

Oscar · Michael:Michael's phone answering machine spiral: 'Hi, this is Oscar. I'm off, pursuing my lady love. Leave a message. I'll get back to you next summer.' Michael: 'Hey, it's Michael. I know that you think that you've disappeared, but I will find you.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael walks in during Michael's suspicious phone call: 'Who's disappeared?' Michael: 'No one. Why do you ask? Have you seen someone?' George Michael: 'I've seen no one.' Michael: 'Then you haven't seen anyone that looks like Pop-Pop.' George Michael: 'No. Why? Has someone who looks like Pop-Pop disappeared?'

Michael · Board member:Michael at the board meeting: 'My dad screwed up... I guess that's why he's behind bars.' / 'It was his idea, and then I carried out the transaction.' Board member: 'That's even worse. Conspiracy to commit fraud.'

Michael · Lucille:Lucille hugs Michael. Michael: 'Why are you squeezing me with your body?' Lucille: 'It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.' Michael: 'Why?' Lucille: 'Because you need your mother right now.' Michael: 'But I don't get along with my... Sorry. That was a knee jerk.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'No, Mom, come on. I don't want you to do anything. Hey! This isn't algebra.' Lucille is already on the phone. Michael: 'Mother! Do not make somebody dis... disappear.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'I'm sorry about yesterday. It was a moment of weakness.' Lucille reveals she bought out Jordan's shares. Michael: 'With what?' Lucille: 'With the money you tried to spend on that lemon grove.' Michael: 'You got it back. How?'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'You know about what I was saying about how people outlive their usefulness?' Michael: 'That was out of line.' Lucille: 'I know. But you made a good point. Maybe I do need something to occupy my time, other than my children.'

Michael · Board member:Michael: 'Well, if you do want to spend it together, it's fine with me.' [Lucille joins the board; title card or visual implies Michael immediately regrets this] Board member at the end: 'Why have we been spending so much money on whistles?'

Lucille · Michael:On the Next Arrested Development: Lucille says 'I remember a young man who used to say But I don't have bad dreams in your bed!' and Michael says 'That was Buster.'

Michael:Michael: 'I cannot kill this joke.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'If you give someone permission to use a tissue, you can't be upset if they blow their nose. Right? I mean, right?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay's 'hand-me-down from Mom' with price tag still on it

Michael:Michael: 'Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Unless you're stealing or working, I'm pretty sure it is.' (re: money for clothes)

Michael:'Okay, so you can run faster than me. But you can't make me work.'

Michael:'See that? Who knew you were such a good little climber?' — Michael complimenting Maeby for climbing to escape him

Annyong · Michael · Narrator:Annyong appears as Lucille's date to the soccer game and says 'She don't want other soccer moms think that she a single mother. She old school. I liked it better when he just said Annyong.'

Michael · Narrator:Michael: 'Damn it! Can't you just find somebody else, please, to look like your husband?' / Narrator: 'In fact, there was someone else who looked like Lucille's husband...'

Michael · Maeby:Michael and Maeby's honesty bet: 'I would like to see if you could go one day without telling a lie. Just one whole day without being like your mom.'

Michael · Maeby:Maeby: 'Fine. I'll do it if you do it.' / Michael: 'That-a-girl. This is gonna be fun. I win.'

Officer Taylor · Michael:Detective: '...the disappearance of Kitty Sanchez. Apparently you're the last person to see her... alive. Or around town or whatever.'

Michael:Michael: 'She was my secretary, but she left. Or I-I fired her.' — immediately undercutting his own alibi

Michael:Michael: 'I certainly didn't... didn't kill her and drop her in a back bay. Boy, I hope that's not what happened to her. I'm sure it isn't.'

Michael · Narrator:'And apparently a fun one.' / 'Let's go see what's going on in the back room.' / Narrator: 'Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?'

Office Worker · Michael · George Michael:Someone at the office: 'I think that's her right behind you there.' — pointing to Kitty alive on TV; George Michael: 'And that's the boat that Uncle Gob blew up.'

Michael · Maeby · Detective:Michael arrives at police station with Maeby; detective: 'I didn't know you had a daughter.' Michael: 'I don't.' Maeby: 'I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy?'

Barry · Michael · Maeby:Barry: 'I do think that we should lie.' / Michael: 'We don't lie in this family.' Maeby's soda errand used to avoid her hearing Michael lie

Lindsay · Michael:Michael on the phone as chaos erupts: 'Michael, I'm not as bad an influence as you think I am.' / Michael: 'Well, you're not a great one.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's just you're getting a little too manly for Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.'

Michael · Narrator:'I've put a bounty on my own head.'

Michael:Michael: 'I hate Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.'

Michael · Lucille · George Sr.:'Nothing works in this house.' / 'Tell me about it.' / 'Is that a shot at me?'

Lindsay · Gob · Michael:Lindsay announces her new business: 'Beads.' / 'Bees?' / 'Beads.' / 'Beads?' — the three-way phonetic confusion between Gob, Lindsay, and Michael

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'But... I'm the oldest.' Michael: 'The matriarch, if you will.' Gob: 'Sure. I will.'

Gob · Michael · George Sr. · Barry:Gob: 'I won't do it. I'm afraid of what I might know.' Michael: 'You? No one wants you. Does anyone want him?' / 'Who would want him?' / 'They don't want you.' Gob: 'Good.'

Michael · Lucille · George Sr.:You? No one wants you. Does anyone want him? / Who would want him? / They don't want you.

Kitty · Michael:Flashback: Kitty lifting her top — 'Say good-bye to your company, Michael. And say good-bye to these.' / Michael (present): 'Guess I do get to see them again, huh?'

Kitty · Michael:Kitty: 'Can we please have one conversation that's not about my rack, Michael?'

Kitty · Michael:Kitty: 'I'd like to be in charge of the Bluth Company.' Michael: 'Well, I want a hamburger and French fries, but I can't have the bun or potatoes. Get real.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'I think we're gonna be seeing Pop-Pop sooner than we thought.' George Michael: 'Do you hear that rattle? It is very worrisome.'

Tobias · Michael:So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and run the shower. / Let me know if it's too loud in the kitchen.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Michael: 'It's Dip-A-Pet all over again.' Narrator: 'Lindsay also had a brief foray into what she had then hoped would be the burgeoning fad of custom pet coloring.' — cut to Lindsay chasing a pet

Narrator · George Sr. · Michael:Narrator: 'There's a good chance I may have committed some light treason.' / George Sr.: 'This might even be considered light treason.'

Michael · Gob:Michael's list of what being 'in charge' actually means: 'a sister who takes your money and throws it away; a mother who you can't trust; a company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?' Gob: 'What kind of vacation time does it offer?'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'Well, Saddam owed us money. You didn't realize that he wouldn't pay?' Michael: 'Your mom had a good feeling about him.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Oh! Barry. Did you talk to a doctor?' Michael: 'I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? Where the hell did I get that?'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'I want to pack up and desert the family, and you don't want to. Is it this new girlfriend?' George Michael: 'No, it's because of the family. I like the family. I mean, if we leave, who's gonna take care of these people?' Michael: 'I don't know. The state or the police. Maybe the Magicians' Alliance will pick up some slack.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael and George Michael decide not to answer the phone. [Phone rings]. [They let it ring]. [00:18 silence]. Michael picks up anyway: 'Hello?'

Nurse · Michael · Gob:He keeps trying to get this I.V. out of his arm. I don't understand why. / It's just glucose. / We're all trying to stay away from sugar.

Michael · Gob:Michael: '[George Sr.] keeps trying to get this IV out of his arm. I don't understand why. It's just glucose.' Gob: 'We're all trying to stay away from sugar.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'He never got a chance to see my bee business take off.' Michael: 'Hey, come on, now. Dad's gonna be around another 30 years, Gob.' [pause] 'Your business, uh, might not.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'I didn't even know we were calling him Big Bear.' Gob: 'We never had a chance to!'

Michael · Family:Michael: 'I feel awful. I should have been here.' Family: 'You should've been here.' Michael: 'I feel like I covered that.' / Family member: 'Well, you didn't say it.' Michael: 'I feel awful. I should have been here.'

Doctor · Michael · Family:Doctor: 'Can we go in there?' Michael: 'If you want. Not a lot to see.' / Michael: 'Maybe not for you, but for us.'

Narrator · Michael:Narrator intro: 'This is Michael Bluth. Right now he's taking his son, George Michael, to start a new life in Arizona.'

Michael:Michael: 'We are free. We're gonna follow our dreams... and the best part of it — not working for the family anymore.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'Don't you always say, Family first?' Michael: 'Yes I do, but that is not a family, okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael: 'And Aunt Lindsay.' Michael: 'She's not my real aunt?' 'Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she's 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael imagines his family panicking: 'I'd love to see the look on their faces right now. Where'd he go?' — cut to Lucille on the phone calling for him

Lucille · Buster · Michael:Buster holding Lucille's 'rape horn.' Lucille: 'Yes. I have a rape horn, Michael. Because you took away my Mace.'

Michael:Michael: 'Yeah, like anyone would want to R her.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'I don't know why you're not taking this I'm out of here seriously, but I am out of here, seriously.' Lucille: 'Let's face it, Michael, you've made this threat before. Tell me. When.' Flashback montage of Michael repeatedly saying 'I'm out of here' in various contexts.

Michael:Michael: 'Oh, that's rich. Huh. I need... you.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Gob, instead of always coming to me asking for money saying I've made a huge mistake—' Gob: 'I've never admitted to a mistake. What would I have made a mistake about?'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Lindsay, instead of sleeping in twin beds, why don't you and your husband take the master bedroom? It's not like you've never come to me with your marital problems saying, Oh help me Michael, I think my husband might be a...' [cut]

Narrator · Michael:Narrator: 'And so, once again, the guys were on their way to Phoenix, never to look back.' — immediately followed by Michael turning around

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'It's just the lab calling. We'll give him the bad news in Phoenix.' George Michael tells on Michael for saying Phoenix again.

Michael · George Michael:Michael offers George Michael to sit on his lap and drive. George Michael: 'I think I might be [too old].' Awkward pause.

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'Do you remember what we say about the family?' George Michael: 'Uh, it's not Aunt Lindsay's nose.' Michael: 'Yes, but no... We say we don't need them.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay doing an exercise video: 'It comes from knowing you're toned and fit.' Michael: 'I see you've found an exercise tape made for people as lazy as you are.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I do have a love life.' Michael: 'One night in the master bedroom and you got yourself a love life again?'

Michael · Narrator:Michael: 'I better get over there before he brings the whole company down. It's only been three hours. How much damage could he really do?' Narrator: 'And release... In three hours, Gob had done $45,000 in damage.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Hey, where's my desk?' Gob: 'Oh, I think it's the massage table in the break room now.'

Michael:Michael: 'They approved me unanimously. Why wouldn't they? You've only lost them $99 so far.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I need you? Oh boy, that's good. Can't wait to call the guys in to hear this one.' Then can't figure out the intercom for 30 seconds.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias, painted entirely blue, enters the wall Michael is hammering: 'Are you blue? Only in color, Michael. Only in color.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'No, I'm afraid I just blue myself.' Michael: 'There's got to be a better way to say that.'

Michael · Lucille · Buster · George Michael · Gob:Michael: 'None.' Family members simultaneously shouting needs: 'Oh God, okay fine I need you.' / 'Mom volunteered me for the Army just because the fat man dared her.' / 'I lost my wig. My Uncle Sam wig.' / 'Michael, I am sitting on some very hot information here. I know too much. I've got the thingy. Half in English, half in scribbly.'

Michael:Michael: 'Well, I hate to cancel my medical follow-up in Phoenix, but you give me the corporate checkbook, I'll see what I can do.'

Doctor · Michael · Lucille · Lindsay:Doctor: 'It... looks like he's dead.' Family gasps. Doctor: 'It just looks like he's dead. He's got, like, blue paint on him or something. But he's going to be fine.' Family turns on doctor.

Michael:Michael: 'Just to be clear. It looks like he's dead, or he is dead?'

Michael:Michael intervenes as the police try to arrest someone: 'Hey, hey, that's not my dad. That's not the guy you want. If you want anybody it's me.' Police are confused. Then: 'I got to turn myself in or make bail, um, maybe by, like... 8 o'clock.'

George Michael · Michael:Can I bring Ann? / Who?

Michael:She's got a little hard-boiled egg going there.

George Michael · Michael:Are you okay? / I don't feel so good.

Michael · George Michael:George Michael wants to buy Ann some diamond cream. / Her?

Michael:I'm sure that Egg is a very nice person.

George Michael · Michael:It's Ann. Her na- / all your money getting her all glittered up for Easter.

Michael:If you had a business model, then by all means, go in there and do your little dance.

Gob · Michael:Rock, paper, scissors for it. / No, no, I'm not interested in doing— / One, two, three. / Paper covers rock. / It is a rock though. It should beat everything.

Michael:There's not a lot of logic to it. It's like on a boat with 'Women and children first.' Why should they—

Gob · Michael:The Seaward. / You're not getting a boat. / One, two, three— / No, not gonna do it. / Paper covers rock. / Fine. But rock sinks boat.

Lucille · Michael · Oscar:I heard zoo noises. It's nothing. Go back to bed. / So, everybody's still up, huh?

Michael · Lucille:You volunteered him. / I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

Michael:Don't worry about it, okay? They're never gonna take him anyway.

Michael · Lucille:Hey, why don't you volunteer Oscar? That would solve both of your problems. / He'd never cut his hair. / That hair.

Narrator · Gob · Michael:Gob was hurt. / Bye, Pop. / Hey, whoa, whoa — was that Dad? / Yeah, I had to, uh, jump off.

Michael · Gob:Did he wanna talk to me? / No, he wanted to talk to the president. / I have no problem with that.

Michael:We can't build a house in two weeks. Also, I'm not sure how 'Solid as a Rock' helps people forget the fact that we built houses in Iraq.

Michael:I built that company, that house, and I'm gonna be cutting the ribbon whether we're all pretending that you're president or not.

Michael:Well, actually, I figured, give Gob a chance, you know? The guy doesn't get a whole lot of attention in this family.

Gob · Michael · Narrator:Gob charged at Michael with the scissors — but Michael, as he always did, picked rock — which beat scissors.

Gob · Michael:Nobody looks good in this. / Especially that little dude. / That's Ann.

Gob · Michael:Who's— / It doesn't matter.

Gob · Michael:Hello? They hung up. / They hung up on me. / Did I hang up? / I meant to hit speaker. / Oh. / You gotta hit the line first.

Gob · Michael:Hello? They hung up. / They hung up on me. / Hiya, guys. / I couldn't get the money. I don't know what happened.

Michael · Gob:I couldn't get the money. I don't know what happened. / I'm impressed you hung up. / Did I hang up? I meant to hit speaker.

Gob · Michael:We almost did it though, didn't we? / We almost pulled it off. / No, it wasn't even close. / Yeah, a lot of people got hurt. / This was very, very bad. / Not great. Not great.

Gob · Michael:Gob reads 'circumvrent' then 'circumverate' — Michael corrects: 'Circumvent.' Gob: 'The old reach around.'

Michael · Starla:Starla brings photo-sized photocopies. 'When you said you wanted photocopies, I thought you meant you wanted them on a photo printer.' Michael: 'Tell you what. From now on, we're gonna use just the big printer.' Starla: 'Okay. You're a perfectionist.'

Gob · Michael · Lindsay:Gob: 'No problem. I'll just call up some of my friends.' Michael and Lindsay beat: 'What?' / 'What friends?'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.' Michael: 'Well, he can't be very good then.'

Gob · Gene Parmesan · Michael:Michael: 'If I could find Dad, I'd be off the hook. I could be president again.' ... Gene: 'Mexico.' Gob: 'You get the country for free. The city — that's gonna cost ya.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'You know, he's doing it [joining the army] just to spite me.' Michael: 'Then why are you throwing him a party?' Lucille: 'Just to spite him.' Michael: 'You guys have such a healthy thing going.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael mentions Ann; George Michael shows a photo. Michael: 'I guess I thought she was with another family.' George Michael: 'She's kind of my girlfriend.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's like you're hoggin' her — like you're a little Ann hog. Okay? Don't be such an Ann hog.'

Michael · Narrator:'And 8:01. Curtain has risen.' — Michael checks his watch as soon as he asks Tobias if he's free

Michael · Gob · Narrator:Narrator: 'Michael and Gob had been to Mexico once before. Chiclet? Chiclet?' / 'You're the Chiclet! Not me!' — Narrator: 'Unfortunately, in Mexican culture, this was a much more inflammatory gesture.'

Buster · Michael:Buster dramatically declares 'It's too late for apologies. I'm going to the army.' — then immediately: 'Get me out. You've got to get me out.'

Michael · Starla · Gob:Blueprint of George Sr.'s face printed on the big printer — 'She used the big printer. I'll give her that.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'Ann Hog's coming? I thought it was just the two of us.' Michael: 'Just Ann.'

Michael · Narrator · Buster:Michael: 'I'm gonna have to start putting people in the trunk.' Narrator: 'In fact, at that moment, Buster was climbing into the trunk.'

Michael · Mexican workers:Michael finds the stair car in Mexico. Mexican workers interpret the blueprint of George Sr.'s face as construction plans. Worker: 'Oh, yeah. Sure, señor. No problem. When do you want us to start building?'

Michael · Ice:Ice stops Michael. Michael: 'Gene? There's no way you're that good.' Ice: 'Name's Ice. Gob hired me to stop you from fleeing the country.'

Michael · Ice:Michael tries to show Ice a photo of George Sr.: 'No, this — That's actually him. He's just — He's much smaller in real life.' Ice: 'I can see that's a man.'

Michael · Maeby · Narrator:Michael and Maeby conversation: Michael thinks they're talking about Ann; Maeby thinks they're talking about Lindsay. Narrator: 'At no point were Michael and Maeby talking about the same person.'

Narrator · Michael · Ann:Narrator: 'Unfortunately, this left the girl Michael was determined to get to know alone in Mexico.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'Yeah. We won.' [Re: the drive back from Mexico]

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'That cousin of yours is a hell of a girl. Too bad you can't date her.' / George Michael: 'No. I meant — Wait, you wouldn't have a problem with that?'

Michael · Narrator:Michael realizes he left Ann in Mexico. Long pause. 'She's gonna be fine. We just gotta beat the sun.'

Michael:Michael: 'Hey. You think I'm happy about this? But, hey, we are getting that trip together we wanted, huh? And look. Two exits to LEGOLAND.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael rescues Ann in the church. 'You are Ann, right? Yes. Of course you are.' / 'It is. We got her.' / 'I think we're crashing some poor guy's wake.'

Gob · Michael:Gob runs up: 'Michael, Michael, Michael! / Fleeing the country. You bastard.' — Michael: 'No. I'm still not fleeing.'

Michael · Ann:Michael to Ann: 'Yeah? Way to plant, Ann.'

Michael:George Michael: 'I'll be in your car.' Michael adds: 'George Michael, uh, listen. Why don't you and Plant wait in the stair car.' [calling Ann 'Plant']

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'That's his girlfriend? Is she funny or something?' Michael: 'Don't worry about it.'

Michael · Gob:Gob: 'The only reason I didn't ask you to come is because of your chicken impression. We sure did get in a lot of trouble for that last time.' / Gob starts doing the chicken impression. Michael: 'Hey, no. You're doing it again.'

Gob · Michael:Gob does his chicken impression — Michael says 'We sure did get in a lot of trouble for that last time.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I went to our mother because I don't have any friends.' Michael: 'Oh, that's funny.' Gob: 'Thank you.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Not crazy about? Or not crazy about your son growing up?' / Gob: 'Maybe — Maybe you're right about that.' / 'See? You are a friend.' Michael: 'You know, I'm — I'm always gonna look out for you.'

Gob · Michael · Ice:Gob: 'See? You are a friend.' — Michael nearly has a genuine moment — then Ice tackles Gob from behind

Gob · Ice · Michael:Ice tackles Michael. Gob: 'Sorry. I did see him coming. It's just... I kind of wanted to see where you were going with that.'

Michael · Gob · Gene Parmesan · Ice:Michael arranges for Gene and Ice to be Gob's paid friends for the weekend while they look for George Sr.

Michael · Narrator:Michael pays Gene and Ice to be Gob's friends for the weekend while they search for George Sr.

Michael · Ann:Michael sits with Ann to get to know her: 'Ann, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?' Long silence. Reaction beat.

Michael · George Michael:Michael returns to work and rattles off Ann's school details: algebra test, Mr. Mason, Kim Cho cheating. George Michael: 'Wow. You really got to know her.' Michael: 'Well, we did spend three hours together in that car ride.' / 'So, what'd you think?' Michael: 'I don't like her.'

Narrator · Michael · Gob:Michael was adjusting to his new position as vice president, which meant doing the work of the president, his brother Gob.

Gob · Michael:So, did you see the new Poof? / His name's Gary, and we don't need any more lawsuits.

Michael · George Michael · Ann:George Michael has closed the banana stand to spend time with Ann; Michael tells him to keep his phone on and calls him 'pal.'

Michael:Michael: 'Oh, she's still goin'? Listen, I'll talk to you later. I'm very excited.'

Michael · Ice:Confusion about who killed whom: 'I'm sorry — he killed a guard?' / 'No, the guard killed him.'

Michael · Lucille:Family members sentimentally recall George Sr.'s favorite toothpaste: 'It was that Glisten. He swore by that Glisten. I can still hear him now: 'Who left the cap off my [bleeps] Glisten?'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'This about getting into Poof? / I mean, how does that not get me a cover?'

Michael · George Michael:Michael, upon hearing 'grandfather is dead,' asks: 'Are you okay? What? Is Ann telling everyone?'

George Michael · Michael:It's your grandfather. Apparently, he's dead. / Are you okay? / Yeah. / I'm sorry, what were you saying about Ann?

Michael · George Michael:After hearing his grandfather is dead, Michael asks: 'Are you okay?' George Michael says yes. Michael: 'She wasn't for us. For those other guys.'

Michael · George Michael:She wasn't for us. / No, she's a great girl. / For those other guys. / You think there are other guys?

George Michael · Michael:George Michael tells Michael his 'grief is taking the form' of eating his grandfather's favorite foods in his room.

Michael · Tobias:Michael thinks George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic — 'From who, the Nazis?'

Michael · Tobias:Tobias cries about how amazing George Sr. was; Michael says 'That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was,' referring to something George Sr. did.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias's 'Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build an airport, put my name on it.' — then: 'Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?'

Michael:Michael's grief breaks out not through tears but through: 'Hey, where the [bleep] are my hard-boiled eggs?!'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille on Oscar wearing George Sr.'s suit: 'Tell my brother you don't wear a dead man's pants. Shame on him. And you say that to him. Say it to me like you're gonna say it to him.' / 'I'm probably not gonna say it to him.'

Michael · Gob · Ann:Michael shows Gob Ann, the girl who 'ripped his heart out, whose face will always be etched in my mind' — cut to Ann's unremarkable face.

Michael:Michael invites Ann to the wake: 'It's as Ann as the nose on Plain's face.'

Buster · Michael:Buster arrives at the wake in a military outfit Gob got from strippers — 'All regulation, Michael. To get the top right, the pants had to be a little snug.'

Narrator · Michael · Buster:Michael remembers what Buster did to 'what he thought was Rose's car with what he thought was Rose's favorite toy.' — Cut to: driver being attacked.

Michael · Various Family:Anyone. / Anyone? / Perhaps my son George Michael would like to say something.

Michael · Ice:Michael's eulogy is interrupted by a blender: 'Ice, can we just cool it on the smoothies for right now?' Family: 'There are smoothies?'

Gob · Michael:Gob asks Michael to move the eulogy outside 'so I can time being lowered into Dad's grave with your big finish.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael says 'I have Pop-Pop in the attic.' Michael interprets this as: 'The mere fact that you call making love 'pop-pop' tells me you're not ready.'

Michael · Narrator:Michael spots Glisten toothpaste in the dirt and suddenly realizes George Michael's 'Pop-Pop in the attic' meant the actual George Sr.

Narrator · Michael:Michael noticed something in the dirt. [Sighs] Glisten. / And suddenly he realized what his son meant when he said he had Pop-Pop in the attic.

Michael · Lucille · Ice:Michael tells Ice: 'My mother has something to tell you.' Lucille: 'I find you very attractive.' Ice: 'She cleans up nice too. Trust me.' Then: 'I think I'm finally off the clock.'

George Sr. · Michael:Thanks, Mikey. / Yeah. Well, now it's our secret.

George Michael · Michael:George Michael reveals Ann was 'so moved' by Michael's eulogy that they got back together — Michael: 'Ah! Oh, is that great.'

Michael:Michael: 'Okay, let's go dig up your uncle.'

Michael · George Sr.:'On the next': Michael: 'No, Pop-Pop does not get a treat. I just brought you a [bleep] pizza.'

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Narrator: 'It's a new prosecutor. It's a whole new beginning. A new day, a new case, a whole new set of lies.' / Michael: 'I'm not lying anymore, Mom.' / Narrator: 'Michael was lying.'

Michael · George-Michael · Narrator:Michael tells George-Michael that Ann got him a B-minus. George-Michael: 'Well, it wasn't Ann. She's an expert in math.' Michael: 'Isn't that cute?' / Narrator: 'Is it?'

Michael:Michael suggests George-Michael needs glasses for grades, not eyesight: 'Maybe it's your eyes. Maybe you need glasses. For your grades.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay's raspy, hoarse voice. Michael: 'What's wrong with your voice?' Lindsay: 'Nothing. I've been going out.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'That's why they call it "scoring."' Lindsay: 'Maybe in the '70s.' Lindsay: 'That many?'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Instead of competing with Tobias, why don't you try spending more time with your daughter?' Lindsay: 'Why? Tobias doing that?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay (after the Steve Holt moment): 'You know what? I think I am going to spend more time with my daughter.' Michael: 'I can't promise you I won't tell the prosecutor about that.'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael finds George Sr. in attic wearing his dead wife's maternity clothes.

Michael · George Sr.:Michael: 'Where are the eggs?' George Sr.: 'Doctor says they're bad for the baby.'

Michael · Wayne Jarvis:Michael on Gob: 'He's twice tried to microwave a Ding-Dong while it was still in its foil... twice.' Wayne Jarvis: 'Twice?' Michael: 'Two times.'

Wayne Jarvis · Michael:Wayne Jarvis: 'Things could get very messy for you, Michael, unless you have something to bargain with, like, say... a fugitive.' Michael: 'I don't know where to find such a thing.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Can I have a moment alone with my client, please?' [to Jarvis and aide] 'Did you follow any of that?' Michael then explains the obvious deal being offered. Barry: 'Do you know where your father is? No, wait, don't tell me now. Okay, if you know, give me a high five.'

Michael · Oscar · Narrator:Michael suggests Oscar should 'take a leap at freedom like my father' and 'run.' Oscar: 'Is that her rape horn?' Michael: 'It's more like a starter's pistol.' / Narrator: 'Run.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. holding broken device: 'Hey, by the way, I broke this thing. What the hell is it, anyway?' Michael: 'That's a breast pump, Dad.' George Sr.: 'Oh, well, I did not use it for that.'

Wayne Jarvis · Michael:Wayne Jarvis: 'I was once called the worst audience participant Cirque du Soleil ever had.' Michael: 'This is a big accusation.' Jarvis: 'Well, Michael, I did not find their buffoonery amusing.'

Lindsay · Michael · Narrator:Lindsay claims Oscar disappeared 'because of something you said to him.' Michael: 'I can't talk right now.' Narrator: 'Really? What's wrong with your voice?' Michael: 'I can talk — sure.'

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay tells Michael she ran into Steve Holt. Michael: 'Wow. Everything about you is so womanly. You're everything a woman should be.' Lindsay: 'Thank you, Steve.'

Michael · Wayne Jarvis:Michael's reaction after being presented with satellite photos of 'WMDs' — then discovering they're Tobias's body parts

Michael · George Sr.:Michael: 'But Mom isn't the only one "finding love" where she least expects it — her words.' George Sr.: 'Whoa-whoa. "Finding love" — she said that? Where, here?' Michael: 'Yeah, she won't shut up about him. She said "tingling" like, 75 times.'

Michael · Lucille · Oscar:Michael: 'This is going to sound like a strange question. Have you seen Dad?' Lucille: 'Of course not. And I'm not talking to you. You tried to scare away Oscar, which didn't work. He's back. I just, uh, I just want to have sex with you. That's, that's all I'm good for.' Michael: 'Did you hear that?' Narrator: 'He said he just wants to...' Michael: 'Good-bye, Mom.'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael to George Sr.: 'You deserted her, Dad. You know, you escaped, and then you faked your death. I'm not so sure she sees you as that reliable.'

Wayne Jarvis · Barry · Michael:Wayne Jarvis: 'Michael, when we started talking to you, we didn't have anything. But now... we got something. And you're going to do time for it.' Michael: 'Those are the pictures?' Barry: 'They're all over the news.' Michael: 'Those are balls.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'This close, they always look like landscape.' / Michael: 'Nope, you're looking at balls.'

Michael · George-Michael:Got the glasses. / Now you'll do better on those math exams. / I think I blew the eye exam too, because every time I take these off, I feel better.

Michael · George-Michael:George-Michael gets glasses: 'Got the glasses. Now you'll do better on those math exams.' George-Michael: 'I think I blew the eye exam too, because every time I take these off, I feel better.'

Michael · George-Michael · Narrator:Michael looks at George-Michael's glasses: 'Hey, I've seen this before.' Narrator: 'For a while, George-Michael had shared a room with his Uncle Tobias.' [Flashback or implication that these are Tobias's glasses]

Michael · George Sr.:George Sr. in attic: 'You know, you deserted her, Dad... I don't know whether it's just Tracy's maternity clothes, but it's very nice to see a softer side of you.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. smells Michael's clothing: 'You found her perfume, huh?' Michael: 'There was just a little left in the bottle. That was the end of it.' George Sr.: 'It's nice on you.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Another one of Dad's suits?' Michael: 'Hey, I'm the President now. Filling Dad's shoes. Literally. Except his shoes don't fit. But I did finally got into Dad's pants. Although I had to have the crotch taken out a little bit.'

Michael · Narrator:Narrator describes a past Christmas party: Michael turning down gifts and directing them to charity barrel while telling an employee 'We just can't have them resent us.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'If I show up with you, it'll just make me seem like I'm a mother.' Michael: 'I've never thought of you that way.' Lindsay: 'That's sweet.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'I can't. I'm supposed to go to Ann's parents' Christmas party. We're making yams.' Michael: 'Tonight? Tonight is the office party.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'I think Ann's parents are having their party on Bethlehem time, which is pretty early.' / Michael later: 'You be with Yam. It's fine.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'When I thought your first wife was driving us apart, I did not make a stink.' Michael: 'You complained all the time, and she was my only wife. And she died.' Lucille: 'Yeah, well. See, things have a way of working themselves out.'

Michael:Michael examines the 'break-in' and finds the glass is on the outside: 'I doubt anyone was trying to break in, Mom. If anything, someone was trying to break out.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll shave my [bleep], and I'll personally [bleep]...' Michael: 'Let's get this going.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'You have no idea what it's like to be abandoned by your son.' Michael: 'Do you see my son? He chose his girlfriend over me.' Lucille: 'How the worm has turned.' Michael: 'Look who feels the sting of an ungrateful child.' Lucille: 'Mother, you have to receive something to be ungrateful.'

Lucille · Buster · Michael:Lucille: 'You have no idea what it's like to be abandoned by your son.' Buster: 'Look who feels the sting of an ungrateful child.' Lucille: 'Mother, you have to receive something to be ungrateful.'

Michael · Tobias · Narrator:Michael leaves a voicemail for Tobias asking him to go to Lucille's. The voicemail is accidentally routed to Michael's home — where the Blue Man Group is performing for Tobias. 'The Blue Men!' / 'You have 101 unheard messages. First message.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael: 'Hey, I was talking to the sound guy, and he said he's got this karaoke thing.' Michael: 'Yeah, let's do it. Put the first song on in the book.' — They have no idea what they're about to sing.

Michael · Maeby:Michael and Maeby sing 'Afternoon Delight' as a duet — a cheerful karaoke performance of a song with explicit sexual lyrics, neither realizing the content. Intercut with Lindsay and George Michael each feeling abandoned.

Michael:Michael: 'Hang on, Maeby.' [stops singing mid-lyric when he registers what he's been singing]

Gob · Michael:Gob to Michael after firing everyone: 'I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others?' Michael: 'There are no others. You fired everyone.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Maybe we're better off with me being business-like and you being the good-time, useless party guy.' Gob: 'It got us this far.' Michael: 'Mm-hmm.'

Gob · Michael:Gob on the roast tradition: 'Oh, God, how they used to laugh with me.' Michael: 'At you.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael to Oscar on road trip: 'My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something that I can't give her. Maybe a little "Afternoon Delight"?'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille (on phone): 'I was almost attacked last night, in my own home. I walk in and there's a colored man in my kitchen.' Michael: '"Colored"? What color was he exactly?' Lucille: 'Blue.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'Well, sure. The question is, which way do I try to get it in her?' Michael: 'I don't need any details.' Oscar: 'Maybe I'll put it in her brownie.'

Gob · Michael:Gob watching Michael and Maeby together: 'Look at that. They're all over each other. With their little secrets.' Michael: 'Well, what can you do, right?' Gob: 'Yeah.'

Gob · Michael:Gob, after being hoisted and slammed by Buster, hears the crowd laughing: 'They're laughing with me, Michael. They're laughing with me.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael and Michael, rebuilding the banana stand again, hear 'Afternoon Delight' playing. George Michael: 'Does not seem like it would be that dirty.' Michael: 'It is catchy. That's the thing.'

Michael:Let him see he's not the only one who builds solid houses, you know?

Michael · Narrator:I think he'll be pretty impressed, knock on wood. [wood collapses/clatters]

Michael:The repeated 'knock on wood' callback — Michael says it again and something falls again

Gob · Michael:Ann? Hmm. That'll play well with Sitwell. 'Where's your son?' 'He's out with Ann.' 'Who's Ann?' 'Don't ask me, I'm just the boy's father.'

Buster · Michael:He said he would help me on this essay for The Old Man and the Sea... You have to read this, and then explain it, and — this is important — say it in my own words. Smart, but not too smart. Let's have a four-syllable max.

Michael · Gob:The only help we need is from each other. — And apparently whatever's in that bottle.

Lindsay · Michael:Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband. — You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you?

Michael · Narrator:Well, you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12. [Narrator:] Even once on a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.

Lucille · Michael:Get me a vodka, rocks. — Mom, it's breakfast. — And a piece of toast.

Michael:It's called alopecia, and I'd appreciate it if we could all be sensitive to it, okay?

Lucille · Michael:Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some— Go ahead, Mom. Finish your thought. 'Every time some children's hospital needs funding'?

Michael · Sitwell:Sorry that my son couldn't be here — Let me guess. Girlfriend. — You know, it could be worse. He could wanna marry your mother. [laughs] — Oh, I'm sorry. Is your family not laughing at that yet?

Sitwell · Michael:You know, Sudden Valley conjures up the image of a sinkhole, no? — I told that to Dad. — I'm thinking — Paradise Gardens. [wind whistles] — I swear to God, I have that written—

Michael · George Sr. · Narrator:Sudden Valley just sort of implies that something awful could happen all of a sudden. — Plus, it's on a hill. — What are you taking, stupid pills? Come on. Save us some money.

Michael · George Michael:What do you think of when you hear the words 'Sudden Valley'? — Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don't wanna eat it. — Right. But 'Paradise Gardens.' — Yeah. Okay. I can see marinating a chicken in that.

George Michael · Michael:'Cause you know this game is kind of our thing. But Ann's amazing. You know, she could play my position. — You should be playing the field... there, in right, you know?

Michael:I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year. I can't very well pull her off the roster. — Let's make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her... as a backup.

George Michael · Michael:Maybe — Maybe now I'll get a kiss. — Okay. — Oh. I meant from Ann. — Yes, I know. I just want to get in there first. [quietly] Okay.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay, wake up. I need you to play on the softball team. — [Narrator:] Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil — a sense of camaraderie. — Count me in, Michael. Happy to help the team.

Michael · Gob:What about if I help you with your work over at Sitwell? — You'd do that? — Sure. You really want me to succeed at Sitwell. — Well, I just — Hey. Come on. I really want you to be over at Sitwell.

Gob · Michael:So get this. Sitwell loved my ideas. — Well, my ideas and I knew it. That's great. — You know, Dad never complimented any of those. — Here's the thing. I need more. — There were 34 proposals in there.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay, did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding. — My foot is bleeding. — [Narrator] Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:You're gonna be able to play on our team, right? — Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? — To curb your sex drive. — That's right. What team are you talking about? — [Narrator] It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Michael · George Michael:Okay. Looks like I'm gonna need that female backup player after all. — And Ann's really good at softball, huh? — Yeah. She's amazing. You know, she's got this low center of gravity. You can't knock her over. — Well, I could knock her over. — Dad, I'm telling you, you can't. — They call her 'The Wall,' you know? — Well, that's great. But I could knock her over. I won't, but I could.

Michael · George Michael · Narrator · Gob:You better pull an ankle or something. — Come on, George Michael! Get that ball in there! — [Narrator] Then he went headfirst into The Wall. — I'm safe. — You're out! — Out? I was safe! I'm safe!

George Sr. · Michael · Gob:Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron. — Dad? — He made the call. You're out. What are you doing? — Shush, shush, shush. — Dad? — He's safe. — What the hell are you doing here? — I'm taking care of what you screwed up. You blew it again, Michael.

George Sr. · Michael:Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron. / Dad?

Michael · George Sr.:I even stooped to cheat here at a softball game. — You've been talking to each other. How come nobody called me?

Gob · Michael:Yeah, and Stan Sitwell liked my ideas. He really believed in me. — My ideas. — Well.

George Sr. · Michael:I'm proud of you. — Really? — Yeah. See ya.

Gob · Michael · Narrator:Michael, I could've sworn I just saw Dad. — Or not. I think hallucination is one of the side-effects of Teamocil. — [Narrator] It isn't.

Gob · Michael:Sorry I didn't blow the game. — No. You did the right thing... and you finally got Dad to one of your ball games. — Screw him. — Yeah. [whistling through teeth] I miss him so much.

Michael · George Michael:Michael offers George Michael a ride: 'You don't need to be penned up with them. I'll drive you both. We'll take the stairs.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael explains kids are still talking about Michael 'taking down that homecoming banner' with the stair car

Michael:Michael's internal monologue: 'I've got to get a new car.'

Buster · Michael:Buster explains why he's home: 'everybody's out dancing with their girl and I'm home sitting with Mom.' Michael: 'Mom doesn't wanna go dancing?' Buster: 'I think the age difference is really starting to catch up to us.'

Michael:Michael suggests Buster meet women 'who didn't give birth to you'

Michael:Michael's reaction beat: 'Boy, that's enough family stuff for today.'

Gob · Michael:Gob stole Sitwell's dress eyebrows. 'He's not gonna be happy about that.' / 'No, especially when he goes to the opera with two mustaches on his forehead.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Are you serious? Dad gave you the Camaro? I thought you won that on Card Sharks.' Gob: 'Michael, I was never on Card Sharks. Dad told us not to tell you.'

Michael:Michael: 'I'm driving a staircase, for God's sake. It smells like gas. I get hop-ons.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I'm gonna prove to you that I'm worthy of rehiring if it takes every ounce of determination that I've got.' Then immediately leaves.

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Where are you going?' Gob exits. 'Did you want me to stay and do that?'

Michael · Barry:Michael dictating a letter to investors, Barry suggests perfect wording, then: 'Uh, yeah. Wh-What you just said was perfect. Why do you want me to write it?' Michael: 'Just send it out on your stationery. And do it quickly. I have a car to buy.'

Michael · Car salesman:Car salesman: 'Oh, something like this? We have, like, 400 of these.' Michael: 'I don't need anything too popular.' Salesman: 'Oh, they're not popular. We have 400 of them.'

Michael · Car salesman:Car salesman recognizes Michael: 'Oh, you're the stair car guy. You took down our banner.' Michael: 'Yeah. Sorry. I got a hop-on.'

Michael · Car salesman:Salesman lists the car's negatives — no back seat, attracts tickets, insurance costs as much as the last three cars — and Michael fixates on the free windbreaker: 'The windbreaker? Windbreaker comes with it too?' 'I'll take it.'

Narrator · Michael:Narrator: 'Michael had just indulged himself with an expensive sports car—' [cuts to Michael already at the dealership signing] 'And here again, please.'

Michael · Buster:Lucille locked Buster on the balcony. Michael: 'What tripped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?' Buster: 'That was half my fault. I thought I saw a graham cracker out there.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'You baited the balcony?' Lucille: 'Prove it.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille sold stock after reading Barry's letter. Michael: 'I sent you that letter. It says not to sell.' Lucille: 'It does? I stopped at "unfrozen."'

Michael · Narrator:Michael: 'Did you guys not read the letter?' Narrator: 'None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'Hey, Dad, is that your new car in the driveway? I can't believe you got a Corvette!'

Michael:Michael: 'It's a company car.'

Barry · Michael · Gob:The hostile company is called 'Standpoor' — 'as in the opposite of Sitwell... which is run by a hairless man who could be very upset with you right now.' Michael: 'What would he have to be upset with me about?' [beat] 'You're wearing his eyebrows?'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael's phone call: 'Kind of. To something called Standpoor. Yeah, it's Sitwell.' George Michael on the other end: 'It's Lucille Austero.' Michael: 'Lucille 2?' 'Standpoor, because she can't stand up without falling over.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'Give her Buster.' Michael: 'What?' Lucille: 'We need our company back.'

Michael · Buster:Michael's metaphor to Buster: 'You know, you want something sensible, you end up getting pushed into something flashy.' Buster: 'What does that mean?'

Michael:Michael to Buster: 'Don't you think you belong in a Lucille?'

Buster · Michael:Michael realizes Buster didn't sell his stock. Buster: 'Your letter said not to, and I would never want to hurt the family.'

Michael:Michael tells Buster to go back to Lucille 2: 'I'll take care of Lucille 2 for you. Let her down easy. That right knee could go at any time.'

Michael:Michael confesses to Lucille 2 that he sent Buster to date her to get the company stock back. 'The only reason that he asked you out tonight was because I wanted him to get the stock back from you so that I could regain control of the company. But I would— I'd rather have my brother back. So— I'm sorry.'

Lucille 2 · Michael:Lucille 2: 'Actually, there is a condition.' Michael: 'Anything.' Lucille 2: 'Call me a cab.' Michael: 'Ah, because of my driving. Yes.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'I fixed everything.' Lucille: 'Oh?' Michael: 'With the business. It's all taken care of.' Michael: 'You didn't think I could, but I did.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Oh, and she's not gonna give the shares back now.' Michael: 'You just said that you fixed everything.' Gob: 'Oh, I meant my problems. Yeah, she's gonna make me the new president.'

Michael:Michael: 'You don't need to prove yourself to me, little brother. You will always have a job here. But I do need the keys to the company car.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael asks if anyone would miss the 'Peter and the Wolf read-along record,' Michael says no, it's part of the model home decorations.

George Michael · Michael:George Michael corrects 'Christian Music Bonfire' — it's not a 'Christian Music' bonfire, it's a Christian 'Music Bonfire' — they burn satanic music.

Michael · Narrator:Michael's only music is 'either instructional or humor,' and he's particularly fond of the Jerky Boys.

Michael:The Jerky Boys clip plays: 'I wanna buy a house, Dad. It's gotta be big. You said Dad, buddy. Shut up, Jerky.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille opens with: 'Michael! How would you like me to owe you a favor?' — then immediately asks him to bid on her at the charity auction.

Michael:Michael: 'Okay. Now I'd like to use up my favor and decline.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'And you're embarrassed to have Oscar bid on you.' Lucille: 'With his two pair of pants? You bet.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille asks: 'Did nothing cancel?' when Michael says he has the afternoon free.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'I need to prove to her that I'm not just a man, but a man's man.' Michael: 'I think she knows that.'

GOB · Michael:GOB screams 'JESUS! IT'S THE WOLF! THAT IS THE WOLF! THE WOLF IS UPSTAIRS!' — it's just the Peter and the Wolf record.

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'I think it's just my son's Peter and the Wolf record.' Tobias: 'I thought that was a homefill.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'My back is in knots. I haven't had a massage since prison.' Then: 'Hope that was forced.'

Michael · Narrator:Michael says 'We're done pampering ourselves in this family' — cut to him immediately calling to order the biggest air conditioner available for the banana stand.

Michael:Adult Michael, after the flashback, desperately says: 'We're not gonna be sticking anything. Not-not gonna stick a thing.'

Michael:Michael, working at the banana stand, trying to look impressive to Sally: 'No, no, no. Filling in for my son.'

Michael:Michael calling Sally 'Sally Stickwell' instead of Sitwell.

GOB · Michael · Sally:GOB to Sally: 'Because the guys wanted to stick it to me.' Michael: 'What? No. I never—' GOB: 'Michael used to say that.' Michael: 'No, I didn't.' GOB: 'You said other stuff.' Michael: 'I absolutely did not say that.'

GOB · Michael:GOB: 'Smooth, Michael, like her father's head, chest, arms, legs and ass.' Michael: 'What are you talking about?' GOB: 'He's hairless, Michael. It's a condition.'

GOB · Michael:GOB: 'I hate the guy, but at least he's got...' Michael: 'Satiny and smooth probably.' GOB: 'I'm just different than you, GOB.'

Michael · GOB:Michael reveals GOB's high school scheme: siphoning gas from a girl's car, then showing up to say 'Car troubles?' and driving her in his car.

Michael · GOB:GOB: 'It's called taking advantage. It's what gets you ahead in life.' Michael: 'Like you did with our biggest shareholder, Lucille Austero.'

GOB · Michael · Buster:GOB: 'You just let Sally Sitwell slip away right when she was ready to go.' — then: 'You were scared.' Michael: 'What are you talking about?' Buster falls off his Segway or stumbles. 'I hurt my ankle yesterday shooting hoops or something.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael to Lucille re: the auction: 'Start at five grand. If there are other bidders, back off gracefully. Shout out, I get her 364 days a year for free, or something.' Lucille: 'You're not gonna hear that phrase.'

Michael · Sally:Michael shows up at the country club and is forced to wear the club jacket — 'I can't wear this. I look like I'm 16.' — then Sally arrives.

Stan Sitwell · Michael · GOB:Stan Sitwell reading the dessert menu to Lucille 2: 'An assortment of ice creams and sorbets.' / 'You all right with him reading to your girl?' / 'Not my girl.'

Michael · Narrator · George Sr.:Michael's credit card is declined at the club — 'In fact, the increased activity on Michael's card was his father's.' — cut to George Sr. having a hot tub installed in the attic.

Michael · Sally · club clerk:Michael at the club: 'Can you put this on my mother's card?' Clerk: 'Your mother? No. She's a pool member only.' / Sally: 'You'll excuse me if my tone is not polite, but this is more polite than she has ever talked to me.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. has installed the hot tub in the attic; it's now cooking teriyaki chicken: 'I tried to drink some of the water, and it was too hot, and it tasted like soy sauce. I think the teriyaki chicken burst.'

Michael:Michael: 'That's why people typically don't cook in these things or install them in attics.'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael: 'Is that veal marsala stuck in the intake?' George Sr.: 'They all look so good on the boxes.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'You know, it's good you backed off Sally. I don't need that guy saying his daughter's sticking it to my loser son.'

Michael:Michael: 'The reason I never went after her is because you're always pushing me. But now that I know that I don't have your approval, I think I'll finally go for it.'

Buster · Michael:Michael asks if there's a waiting period for the tranquilizer rifle. Buster: 'It turns out there is. Two weeks?' / 'There is a gun show loophole. What timing, huh? Right out back they were having one.'

GOB · Michael:GOB's 'Car troubles?' scheme re-enacted — 'Probably shouldn't do the fireball when you siphon the gas.' / 'I guess this flint's still got a little life left in it, huh?'

Narrator · Michael:Narrator: 'Michael did look heroic as he went to put out the fire. Unfortunately, Sally arrived too late to see him that way.'

Michael · Sally:Sally arrives at the burning car. Michael's explanation: 'Car trouble.'

Sally · Michael · hospital clerk:At the hospital, Sally tells Michael she has to go to the charity auction. Hospital clerk: 'I'm sorry, sir. Your Blue Cross Blue Shield was denied. We've called your mother.'

Michael:Michael tells someone to start draining the hot tub — 'It's going back.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'I haven't been the perfect husband. I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.' — then begs Michael for money to bid, describing why: 'You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.'

Michael · Tobias · Auctioneer:Michael accidentally bids $5,000 on Lindsay when trying to help Tobias

Michael · Auction MC:Michael accidentally bids $5,000 on the tranquilized Lindsay — 'I've got $5,000 and I need that for Sally, but if you wanna make a low bid...' — MC: 'Five thousand dollars. For that? Sold.'

Stan Sitwell · Michael:Stan Sitwell at the auction bids on Sally. Michael says: 'You're not bidding? I was hoping you would.' Sitwell: 'You're a good kid. You always have been. Not like that showboat of a father of yours, if you don't mind me saying.' Michael: 'I've called him so much worse.'

Michael · Stan Sitwell · Sally:Michael bids $15,000 on Sally. Sally is stunned; Sitwell says: 'This puts a lot of pressure on me.' / 'It's for a good cause. I heard it was to reseed the greens.' / 'Gonna be a lot of shifts for you at the banana stand, huh?'

Michael · Sally · Auctioneer:Michael bids $15,000 on Sally; Sally's reaction: 'This puts a lot of pressure on me.'

Michael · Stan Sitwell:Michael reveals he sold the Corvette to cover the bid — to Sally's father. 'My father can't drive a convertible.' / 'Mind if I open it up?' — and Sitwell immediately takes it for a joyride.

Sally · Michael:Sally: 'I'd almost rather date someone my father doesn't approve of.' Then she walks away from Michael — who her father DOES approve of.

Michael:Michael, alone after Sally leaves: 'That-that-that is like me. That's exactly like me!'

Michael:What tipped you? The falling profits or that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's 'Most Ridiculous Item of the Day'?

Lucille · Michael:Lucille calls Lucille 2 'that bitch!' and Michael corrects her: 'You're not at home, Mom. She doesn't live next door when you're here.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'She's trying to prove she's closer to my children than I am — but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob.' Michael: 'Think that makes the joke on Gob.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael asks if 'Gangy' had an accident, visibly concerned; Michael reassures him it was just her drink.

Michael · Narrator:Michael tells George Michael the Valentine's basket is 'for us' — narrator immediately cuts to Michael at Sitwell Enterprises trying to set up a date with Sally.

Michael · Stan Sitwell · Narrator:Michael at Sitwell's: 'This is not for her. It's for my son. Just don't tell her I came by.' — The narrator reveals Michael was actually talking to Sally's father the whole time.

George Michael · Michael:George Michael finds Kama Sutra oil in the Valentine's basket. Michael: '[Clicks Tongue] Maybe it's not for us.'

Michael:Michael: 'It's just — there are so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.'

Michael:Michael: 'Buy yourself a tape recorder. Record yourself for a whole day. I think you're gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.'

Lindsay · Gob · Michael:Lindsay imitates a chicken at Michael for being too scared to ask Sally Sitwell on a date. Then Gob joins in. Then they're both doing chicken impressions at Michael.

Lindsay · Michael:Oh. I have to go with Tobias? / Lindsay, your husband really wants this to work. / Come on. Let me play Cupid this year. / I thought he went already.

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'I think the answer to this problem is money. This may just be me having my head against a hundred-degree furnace for an hour, but maybe we should bring in Jack Dorso.'

Lucille · Jack Dorso · Michael:Well, he certainly sounds vital to me. / [Shouting] Walk, Dragon! Walk! / Enter the room! / He's half deaf. It was a stupid, stupid hire.

Michael · George Michael:Jack makes a gobbling noise and Michael comments 'He's kind of scary, that guy, huh?' George Michael: 'Not to me. I think he's kind of cool.'

Michael · George Michael · Jack Dorso · Dragon:Michael: 'Well, why don't you go get your kiss from Mr. Cool Half-Man?' George Michael: 'I'd be fine with that.' — Then he goes over and Jack is shaken by Dragon and begins gurgling uncontrollably.

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay admits she never went to Sitwell as Michael asked. Michael: 'I give you one thing to do for the business, and you can't even do it.' Lindsay: 'I mean, if you'd tried and failed, I'd understand, but you didn't even try.' 'So I didn't even fail, and I don't see you giving me credit for that.'

Jack Dorso · Michael · Dragon:Jack Dorso is perched on the edge of the building's balcony. Michael: 'Do you think you should be perched on the edge of the building like this?' Jack: 'Oh, Dragon's got me.' Dragon is in the bathroom.

Michael · Narrator:Michael offers his sister to Jack Dorso for money. Narrator: 'Michael was torn. The business meant the world to him, but his sister's honor — ' Michael: 'Let's do it. Let's go share the good news.'

Michael:[Inhales] He said he'd like to sleep on it.

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr.: 'You are pimping out your sister?' Michael: 'You were pimping out my mother.' George Sr.: 'Yes, because she was sleeping with my brother, but your sister?'

George Sr. · Michael:You are pimping out your sister? / You were pimping out my mother. / Yes, because she was sleeping with my brother, but your sister?

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'I just screwed my brother-in-law.' Tobias appears: 'Well, I'm all grown up now.'

Jeff · Michael:At the Four Seas Hotel, the horse coordinator Jeff monologues to Michael about the horse experience and juice: 'You'll meet him again at the end. Plus, he gets you your juice. Not your first juice, but the one you get at the spa.' Michael: 'That's right. You've done this before.' Jeff: 'But not with a lovely lady. Jeff doubts one's coming at all, don't you? Sorry. Sorry.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'Hey, did you ever get that tape recorder?' Tobias: '[Chuckles] You're funny. Come on, boy. Hoo-cha-cha!'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'Perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word 'afraid'?' Michael: 'Well, I know I used it in the Jacuzzi. And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias psychoanalyzes Michael: Michael makes up 'imaginary problems like this merger' because he's afraid to ask Sally out and say 'No.' Michael: 'You're probably right — about me being afraid of the word 'No,' but the merger's real.'

Tobias · Michael:Lucille! Lindsay? / Wait, wait, wait. Lindsay's here? With two men? / Sort of one and a half.

Michael · Tobias · Lucille 2:In the robe confusion, Michael doesn't recognize Lucille 2 and says 'And, miss, I don't know your name' — then Tobias appears and reveals Lucille 2 is there.

Michael:Sitwell and Lucille 2 at the spa together. Michael: 'Romantic? So the company isn't being taken over... so Lindsay doesn't have to be with Uncle Jack?'

Michael · Gob · Buster:Gob's defense of Lucille 2 leads to a confrontation. Michael: 'She's my girlfriend, pal. Take him down, Buster.' Gob: 'Your girlfriend? That's why you were in her robe and slippies. You weren't trying to get into her head. You were trying to get into her... robe and slippies.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'I'm gonna try and lowball her.' Gob: 'Not while we're around.' — suggesting they'll somehow prevent a lowball offer.

Jack Dorso · Michael:Jack: 'I guess the deal's off now, now that I actually need you to help us out?' Michael. Jack: 'I'll make you a deal. You carry me, and I'll carry you.' Michael: 'Thanks, Uncle Jack.'

Jack Dorso · Michael · Tobias:Jack examines Tobias's leg injury using duct tape. Michael: 'I think this duct tape is the only thing that's keeping the ankle on.' Jack: 'Oh. Right around there. Oh. I think you're right inside me now.'

Narrator · Michael:Narrator reveals that their eight dates included 'a record-tying three lovemaking sessions in one night for Michael,' punctuated by Michael's offscreen 'Yes!'

Sally · Michael · George Michael:Sally suggests they'd have had 'an entirely different kind of child' if they'd gotten together in high school, while Michael's actual son George Michael is shown nearby.

Michael:Michael's awkward aside 'She's a shot-putter. And I'm dating her.' after the kids leave the table.

Michael · George Michael:Michael asks 'Who?' about Ann, then backtracks: 'I meant, uh, her.' — the running 'Ann? Her?' gag.

Michael · Lindsay:'Yes!' Michael's offscreen exclamation is followed by Lindsay asking 'Did you call my name?' / 'Absolutely not.'

Gob · Michael:Gob can't remember his wife's name. 'Krindy.' 'Name's not Krindy, Gob.' 'Ah, Saul Zentsman. No, that's her lawyer.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael suggests they take responsibility for their relationship failures. Lindsay: 'I think it's Mom's fault.' Michael: 'I was gonna say the exact same thing.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'Like, say, signing him up for the army during wartime.' Lucille: 'What the hell was I supposed to do? Michael Moore confronted me in front of the whole country.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael corrects Lucille: 'First of all, it wasn't Michael Moore. It was a look-alike. And it wasn't in front of the whole country. It was for a bit on Jimmy Kimmel Live.' Lucille: 'I don't know who that is, and I don't care to find out.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Oh, well, I got Michael out of his marriage, didn't I?' Michael: 'Actually, she died.' Barry: 'You're kidding. I've been taking credit for that for years.' / 'Credit?'

Narrator · Michael:Narrator explains Maggie was 'both pretending to be blind and prosecuting the family' during her affair with Michael. 'It was with her he'd first set the three-time record. Yes!'

Michael:Michael to Maggie about the knitted item: 'Too bad the trial's not going longer. She could've knit you something that fit.'

Michael · Maggie:Maggie says it's been 'about eight and a half months' since Michael saw her. Michael: 'Eight and a half months, huh? Wow. I see somebody has been counting the, uh—' [trails off in realization]

Michael · Maggie:Michael: 'Didn't I use something?' Maggie: 'No.' Michael: 'You thought I was blind, remember?'

Michael · Maggie:Maggie: 'Don't worry. You're not the father, Michael.' / Michael exhales in relief / then immediately: 'No problem. Really? Right. You sure? I mean, uh— I could be. What if I was? Don't you want to discuss this maybe?'

Michael · Sally:Michael explains to Sally that Maggie said it wasn't his baby — 'She said it wasn't mine, so—' Sally: 'Why are you telling me this?'

Michael:Michael says 'All I could see was her giant chest— box. She had this— Some people call it a chest. I call it a box.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Michael:Lindsay and Tobias agree to break into Maggie's house to collect a urine specimen. Lindsay: 'We will be like Tracy and Hepburn.' Tobias bursts in: 'What do you say, you old poop?' Michael: 'Oh, God, he's Hepburn.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille declares 'I am done with Buster. He pushes my buttons.' Michael responds: 'He also zips you up and sands your elbows.'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille claims Buster is 'pretending he's going to war. Mr. Big Shot.' / Michael: 'Wait a minute. He said he's going to war? Aren't you worried?'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'I need macaroons.' Michael: 'Oh, you're high!' / Lucille: 'Oh, well, you can win every argument like that, but that does not make you right.'

Michael · Lucille:'You're high!' / 'You're drunk!' — Michael and Lucille argue back and forth as the pipe grinds.

George Sr. · Michael:Michael catches George Sr. leaving the attic to visit the Ford dealership; George Sr. defends it: 'Have you seen the new Ford Mustang? You could hump that hood.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. claims he has 'never left the attic.' Michael: 'Two days ago. Right? Saw you floating around the Ford dealership.' George Sr.: 'Yeah, well, have you seen the new Ford Mustang? You could hump that hood.'

Michael:Michael: 'There's so much I don't understand about the law.' — said while stalling Maggie so his family can break into her house.

Michael · Maggie:Michael about Sally: 'Yeah, I know. It's a funny name. But she's a doll.' Maggie: 'Yeah, I had one.' / 'If you pull her hair, she'd cry or something.' Michael: 'This one kinda does that too.'

Michael:Michael: 'If you pull her hair, she'd cry or something. This one kinda does that too.' — about Sally Sitwell

Michael · Maggie:Michael to Maggie: 'So, no more lies. Tell me the truth. If that baby is mine, maybe we're meant to be together.' Maggie: 'Of course it is, Michael.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay's recorded message plays on Michael's phone: 'Hey, so what's the deal on Zuckerkorn? 'Cause you know my fat case — it's really pretty thin.' / 'Lying, untrustworthy—' 'Yeah.' 'Plus, I heard he hangs out at rest stops.'

Michael:Michael confronts Maggie with the fat suit: 'Which one are you wearing right now? Is this the ready-to-burst model?'

Michael · Narrator:Michael breaks up with Maggie: 'Good-bye. It's been fun—' [pause] '—not.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael says he'd never date anyone without George Michael being okay with it. George Michael: 'You don't have to do that.' Michael: 'Great, because I didn't do it this time.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael on Maggie: 'Didn't she turn out to not be blind though?' Michael: 'Exactly.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael says Maggie might not really be pregnant because she lies. George Michael: 'Boy, you really are my kid.' Michael: 'Good. Apparently, so is this one.'

Michael · George Michael · Lucille:Michael tells George Michael he'll have to be the 'baby of the family.' George Michael: 'Um, Maeby's younger than me.' Michael: 'You're never going in the ocean! Never!'

Doctor · Lucille · Michael · Lindsay:Lucille: 'Not Dr. Wordsmith.' Then: Doctor says Buster 'is going to be all right' meaning he still has his right hand, not that he'll recover. 'He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be "all right."'

Buster · Michael:Buster: 'And my hand is off to you.' Then hysterical laughter from himself, forced laughter from Michael.

Buster · Michael:Buster: 'A seal didn't bite your Linus off, did it?' Michael: 'No, a seal didn't bite my Linus off.'

Buster · Michael:Buster: 'Then go to her. Ask for her hand.' Michael: 'And maybe I'll get one for my brother while I'm at it.'

Buster · Michael · Lucille:Buster's hook (temporary prosthetic) gets caught and causes him to scream. Everyone panics. 'Whose idea was the temporary hand?'

Barry · Michael:Barry the lawyer: 'She's in the bar. What a spanking I gave her in court today.' Then he spanks Michael. Michael: 'Did you spank her?' Barry: 'No!'

Michael · Police Officers:Michael confesses the break-in to police officers who are currently investigating... the break-in he's confessing to.

Michael:Michael on the potential Harvard sperm donor father: 'He's probably some geek Simpsons writer's kid.'

Michael · Narrator:Narrator: 'Michael had always thought of himself as that great a guy. The kind of guy who could raise someone else's baby.' Michael: 'Of course I am.' Narrator: 'But he wasn't — and he regretted it the moment he said it.' Visual of Michael mouthing silent words.

Michael · George Michael:George Michael is sent to get Uncle Buster a bandage 'for his forehead. And while you're at it, get two.'

Lucille · Michael:Narrator: 'And later, Lucille could not contain her guilt any longer.' Lucille: 'I did this. I prayed that God take anything he wanted from us so that Buster wouldn't have to go to war.' Michael: 'Oh, Mom. After all these years, God's not gonna take a call from you.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I did this. I think that the seal with the yellow bow tie might be the one that I released into the sea after giving it the taste for mammal blood.' Michael: 'Okay. You've got a better case than Mom does.'

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Michael asks where 'your child' is. Lindsay and Tobias: 'I don't have a child, Michael.' / 'We don't have a child, Michael.' Then both realize: 'Did you mean Maeby?'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'I'll find somebody who wants an adventure.' Then immediately: 'George Michael, how would you like to get away from Uncle Buster?' George Michael: 'I'd really like that.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'I'll find somebody who wants an adventure.' / [whispers to George Michael] 'George Michael, how would you like to get away from Uncle Buster?'

Michael:Michael can't fit through the doggy door: 'I can't fit through that doggy door. But I am gonna risk being caught out here. Be careful.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael retrieves a phone number taped to the outside of Maggie's door — he never even went inside. Michael: 'It's probably the Sparkletts guy.'

Michael · Police Officer:Police officer informs Michael his partner is inside Maggie's house with his gun drawn, just as Michael claimed they were 'just waiting to see if Maggie's home.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael introduces the situation to George Michael: 'In there is the father of the child that Maggie wants me to help her raise. And he probably doesn't know that she's got another man involved.'

Michael · Taylor · David:Michael confronts the address, expecting a romantic rival. The door is opened by a gay couple. 'There's a father. There's two fathers. David!' / 'I'm making gravy.' / 'That bitch is gonna keep our child.'

Taylor · David · Michael:The song 'Hot Cops' plays as Michael is surrounded by Taylor and David at the door.

Michael:Michael: 'I just hope you find out which one of you can breast-feed.' Then immediate embarrassed backtrack.

Michael · Narrator:Michael: 'For once, I'm one lie ahead of Maggie Lizer's lies.' Narrator: 'In fact, Michael was one lie behind her.'

Michael:Michael in the hospital room with Maggie: 'Is this our little bundle of... two gay cops' baby?'

Michael · George Michael · Narrator:Michael tells George Michael: 'You're the only son I've ever needed.' Bell dings. Narrator: 'That's all the adventure I've ever needed.' Then Michael sends George Michael to 'M. Main floor.' Narrator: 'But M didn't stand for main floor.'

Michael · Maggie:Michael and Maggie say 'When we're together it's like—' Michael: 'Magic?' Maggie: 'I was gonna say train wreck.'

Michael · Maggie · Narrator:Michael and Maggie make a vow: 'No more lying. No deceit, no sex. Everything.' Narrator: 'But that, too, turned out to be a lie.'

Lucille · Michael · Narrator:Lucille is already dressed, made up and waiting for Michael at an ungodly hour — narrator notes 'which put her wake-up time in the 3:00, 3:30 area'

Lucille · Michael:'I'm so hot.' / 'If you were hot, Mother, we would win.'

Michael · Lucille · Narrator:Michael: 'That could have something to do with the fact that a seal ate his hand.' / Lucille: 'I don't know what it is.' / Michael: 'I think that's what it is.' / Lucille: 'Who knows?' / Narrator: 'It was that.'

Michael:'I mean, look how he zips now.'

Lindsay · Michael · Lucille:Lindsay: 'I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for daddies and daughters.' / Michael: 'Of course they have father-daughter dances.' / Lindsay: 'They do? He never took me?' / Lucille: 'It was before we did your nose. Toodle-oo.'

Michael · Lindsay:'You're up awful early.' / 'Well, my marriage is falling apart. Tobias is back with Carl.'

Michael:Michael says 'I respect my son's choices' and immediately follows with 'George Michael, I don't think you should be going on this Promise Land thing.'

George Michael · Michael · Maeby · Narrator:George Michael: 'What? Why? Because I'd miss school?' / Michael: 'No.' / George Michael: 'You get to miss school for that?' / Narrator: 'And that's when Maeby decided to become a devout Christian.'

Maeby · Michael:Maeby: 'Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the "T" on it?' / Michael: 'That's a cross.' / Maeby: 'Across from where?'

Gob · Michael:'What about her cans? She have big cans?' / 'You don't remember her at all?' / 'It was one night of wild passion.' / 'And yet you didn't notice her body.' / 'I like to look in the mirror.'

Michael · Gob · Narrator:'That would be disgusting if you'd actually slept with her, but I don't think you did.' / 'I did! And it was disgusting.' / Narrator: 'They didn't, but it would have been.'

Gob · Michael · Buster:Buster arrives at the dock by crashing through the car window — Gob: 'Or we could make sure it's the right seal first? I mean, why get his hopes up?'

Buster · Michael · Gob:Buster enters with his hook: 'I really hate this stupid hook. But I certainly can't walk around like this.' / Michael/Gob: 'Why not? / Very handsome.'

Barry · Gob · Michael:'That tracking device tells me he was raised in captivity. There's no way he stood a chance out in the real world.' / 'See that? He was a victim too.' / 'You both were too sheltered to learn how to protect yourselves.'

Michael · Buster:Michael asks if Lucille Bluth checked in; the desk clerk says no — Michael: 'She knows you're after her.' / Buster: 'She does?'

Michael · Buster · Random Boy:Michael and Buster mistake another mother-son pair in matching outfits and try to rescue the boy: 'Take me with you! No, please! Please!' / 'It's the wrong child.'

Michael · Narrator:Michael spots a 'very bored-looking little Sonny Bono on that balcony' — meaning George Michael in the sailor suit variant.