Michael Bluth

Michael:I just remembered something. Dad's retiring, not turning six.

Michael:Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight, start a career as a pirate.

Michael:Sounds like you saved enough skin to make 10 new boys.

Michael:Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?

Lindsay · Michael:J.D.L.? Jewish Defense League. Oh, the circumcision thing?

Michael:Seriously, you're gonna pull a muscle.

George Sr. · Michael:Because he's a flamer? I told you that in confidence.

Michael:Okay, we are just about ass to ankles back here, Maeby. Do you wanna hop on your cousin's lap there, please?

Michael:Whoa, bumpy road ahead.

Michael · George Michael:Welcome aboard, Mr. Manager. Wow! I'm Mr. Manager! Well, manager. We just say 'manager.'

Michael · George Michael:Don't look at me, Mr. Manager. Right. It's up to me now. I'm Mr. Manager. Manager. We just say... I know, but you just... It doesn't matter who.

Michael:I don't know what I expected.

Michael · Lindsay:You spent $68 on hair conditioner? A small price to pay for self-esteem, Michael. Or are you still jealous that you lost Best Hair to me in high school and got Dorkiest?

Maeby · Michael:Yeah. Shoot me when that happens. Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this house?

Michael:You stay on top of her, buddy. Do not be afraid to ride her. Hard.

Michael:You know, it's really more believable if you let me finish.

Fire Chief · Michael:Somebody wanted this place to go. Yeah? What do you mean, arson? Oh, definitely the work of a flamer.

Michael:Well, that's great, but I've got my own problems. The flight records? They burned up. That's fine. That's over with. But I think Dad is behind it.

Michael:But you don't have a job. You've got a job offer. Anybody can get a job offer.

Michael:The banana stand! You know, that's exactly what this feels like. Huh? Like I'm still stuck in that hot booth all summer with you pulling the strings.

Gob · Michael:Better than being treated like the goofball... the joker, the magician. I thought you were gonna do, like, a trick there. A fireball or something. I was. It didn't go off. These things never go off when you want them to. My least consistent trick.

Michael · Gob:I thought you were gonna do, like, a trick there. A fireball or something. / I was. It didn't go off. These things never go off when you want them to. My least consistent trick.

George Michael · Michael:I was just, uh... I was burning down the banana stand. What? I'm sorry. I screwed it all up. I've got no right to call myself Mr. Manager. Manager.

Michael · George Michael:Burn it down. What? Let's burn this son of a bitch.

Michael:You mailed that insurance check, right, Gob?

George Sr. · Michael:There was $250,000 lining the walls of the banana stand. What? Cash, Michael. Why didn't you tell me that? How much clearer can I say... 'There's always money in the banana stand'?

Michael · George Michael:Son of a bitch! Oh, look what you did! You plopped it! I'll plop you!

Michael:Never touch that.

Michael:Let's not blame the bike, okay? It's the poor carpenter that blames his shoddy tools for the... Ow!

Michael:That stupid cornballing piece of...

Michael · Lindsay:With what? Company credit card. You're returning that. Get a job.

Michael:No borders. No limits. 'Go ahead, touch the Cornballer. You know best.'

Michael:You're still not an actor.

Michael · Buster:This is not going to be a day at the beach. That's cool. Mom packed me a change of clothes.

Michael:It's personal.

Michael:You're in prison.

Michael:Well, no one's gonna top that.

Michael:Zip me up.

Buster · Michael:I'm flying! Buster?

George Michael · Michael:That's a little cornball. I don't mind. I don't mind either, buddy.

Michael:Mother of God! Oh! Every damn time! Oh! This is a big one. Oh!

Michael:We're just gonna cover them up with blankets

Lindsay · Michael:Perhaps you remember Neuterfest? / I'll never forget your wedding.

Michael · Lindsay:You're wearing ostrich skin boots. / I don't care about ostriches.

Michael · Gob:That's Mom. Hide. / He's in here, Mom!

Michael:You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats.

Michael:How'd I come through? Gob, how'd I come through?

Michael:This is how I came through, huh?

Michael:Well, my brother may have eaten them.

Michael:Look, I'm an activist too. I appreciate what you're doing for the environment.

Michael:Go club some beavers.

Michael:Did you win? I-I don't speak Spanish.

Michael:I'll see you when you realize what that bucket's for.

Gob · Michael:How would you feel if I came down on you hard? / You're saying I'm not reading this right. / No, I'm saying I need to jump on you to break my fall.

Michael:Good talk.

Michael:That's why you never get out of the tree.

Michael:That's the stupid thing that I believe.

Michael:I've made a huge mistake.

Michael:Without the half-person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself.

Michael:Without the half-person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself.

George Sr. · Lucille · Michael:You remember the carjacker? - Aaah! - Well, she's certainly toughened up since then.

Michael · George Sr.:You've been here two months. It's hard to gauge time.

Lucille · Michael:If you're going to say 'pride,' you're wrong. Wasn't gonna say pride, Mom.

Michael:I think that you should... visit him... in an... intimate... marital... trailer.

Michael · Lucille:Daddy horny, Michael. He said some wonderful things.

Michael · Gob:I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad. God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting!

Michael:I'm gonna use the touch lamp to set the mood in the conjugal trailer when Dad's nailing Mom!

Michael:The drive was a little awkward.

George Sr. · Michael:Every Friday for the last eight years. Daddy... Horny. I got that.

Michael:'Cause I got news... he's, uh... he's guilty. Oh, yeah. Incredibly guilty.

Kitty · Michael:I wish I would've known you were coming. I am a mess. Don't know if a call from me would've changed that.

Michael:It's like a carnival. Without the half-person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself.

George Sr. · Michael:You remember the carjacker? Well, she's certainly toughened up since then.

Michael · Gob:I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad. God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting!

Michael:I'm gonna use the touch lamp to set the mood in the conjugal trailer when Dad's nailing Mom!

Michael:Oh, yeah. Incredibly guilty.

Michael · George Michael:he's, uh... he's guilty. / He is? / Oh, yeah. Incredibly guilty.

Michael:I enjoy bicentennials as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.

Michael:Yeah, I got some of that... except he also didn't like my looks.

Michael · Lindsay:Come on. That would never happen. - She can't drive herself. - I mean, she's the world's worst driver.

George Michael · Michael · Maeby:For Gangy? - Yeah, how did you know? - She called and invited us.

Michael:Come on. This is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

Michael:You strike one more person, and it's technically a spree.

Lucille · Michael:I've been a horrible mother. - No, Mom. You're great. You've been a great mother.

George Michael · Michael:Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you? - Yeah. - 'Cause I really like Mom.

Michael:I let you drive, didn't I?

Michael:'Scoot'? Scooter. Was there a scooter involved?

Michael:Totally cool. Didn't feel a thing. You know, Mom, I'm crazy about this aspirin. I can't believe we give it to children.

Michael:Oh. Well, women love to laugh.

Michael · Gob:No, no, Mom. You're great. That's crazy talk. You're a fantastic mother.

Michael:I enjoy bicentennials as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.

Lucille · Michael:You're my third least-favorite child. I can live with that.

Michael:Yeah, I got some of that... except he also didn't like my looks.

George Michael · Michael:For Gangy? Yeah, how did you know? She called and invited us.

Michael:Come on. This is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

Michael:You strike one more person, and it's technically a spree.

Michael:Well, it was kind of funny.

Michael:I hate to tell you, Mom, but they don't support me either.

Michael:I let you drive, didn't I?

Michael:I hardly felt it. In fact, actually, uh, I didn't feel it.

Michael:Totally cool. Didn't feel a thing. You know, Mom, I'm crazy about this aspirin. I can't believe we give it to children.

Michael:Mom can't pick me up. She could barely pick up that bag of protein bars.

Michael · GOB:That's crazy talk. You're a fantastic mother.

Michael:Stupid. Stupid chair. Very stupid chair.

Michael:Neither would I. What career?

Michael:Oh, the tricks. The little tricks.

Michael:the foyer or the kitchen.

Michael:Which brother?

Michael:That's why she didn't look surprised.

Michael:Okay. That-That's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

Michael:I think you're confusing scary with silly. This guy was frightening. He was in a limo.

Gob · Michael:She doesn't respect my career. / Okay.

George Michael · Michael:Hey, guys. Oh, that's why.

Michael:Well, you can't change who you are.

Michael:You've stolen so many things from me over the years. This is the first time you've ever given something back.

Michael:I'm not that nice.

Michael:Where am I gonna get a pair of beautiful women's legs on such short notice?

Michael:This really worked better with the chair.

Michael:Very proud... minus.

Michael:C- minus. 'C' M-I-N-E-S.

Michael:Wow. How impressive is that?

Michael:The bar for the refrigerator has been lowered, huh?

Michael:Minus. An 'A' gets him ice cream. He knows that.

Michael:We ought to put that on our family crest.

Michael:Your finger is still in the book.

Michael:Go make mistakes, get in trouble... be young.

Michael:Dad, that's just... That's one night, and it's back in September.

Michael:You've only been a Jew about two days.

Michael · George Sr.:It's Tuesday. Shh, shh, shh.

Michael:Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon.

Buster · Michael:Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?

Michael · George Sr.:So you taught me a lesson not to teach lessons? It was my last lesson.

Michael:You just taught me a lesson.

Michael · Jessie:Race you to the top of the hill. / I'll race you to the top of the hill. / I brought a picnic lunch.

Michael:My relations are already a little too public.

Michael:She's a cutie. She's a little cutie pie. But I never really noticed.

Michael · George Michael · Michael:When did you get a job? / At the banana stand. / Oh! Duh. I thought you meant like a plumber or something.

Tobias · Michael:Well, that certainly leaves me out. / She... She said single.

Tobias · Michael · Jessie · Tobias:I truly believe that the universe wants me to be an actor and not a doctor. I'm just waiting for a sign. / Here's your cash. / Universal Shuttle picks you up at 8:00. / Any sign, really.

Michael · Jessie · Michael:A date? This is a date now? I thought this was just business. / Can't it be a little bit of both? / How will I know which part of it is business?

Michael:Show me business again.

Michael · George Michael:Bluth boys. / Bluth boys.

Michael:No. I was just saying your name as you walked away. I didn't... I have no follow-up.

Gob · Michael:Murder. - Who died? - My career.

Michael · Jessie:I don't need my son reading about us in the paper. / Oh, you and your son. Stop using him as an excuse for everything you do.

George Michael · Michael · George Michael:Four women, that is kind of sad. / All right. Thank you. / I know you got married in college, but that was your sophomore year. You had your whole freshman year to...

Michael:Yeah. Well, if I show up with all that stuff... I could probably just get away with shorts and a T-shirt, right?

Michael:Which is good 'cause I don't even have a tuxedo.

Michael:There was somebody for a while, but it was too much of a brother... bother.

Michael · Family:After all that, I was kinda hoping somebody would make a speech. Speech, speech, speech...

Buster · Michael:[Chuckling] Don't forget my girlfriend. That's who I meant.

Michael:I almost said George Michael and Maeby. [Chuckles]

Michael:On the other hand, I am doing it anyway... so let me suggest before you talk divorce, at least consider a separation.

Michael:Secondly, you don't want to take any chances with yogurt, Mom. Just let her throw it out.

Soap Opera Worker · Michael:¿Mi hermano? Ahí. There, in the green? Great, thanks. Gracias.

Gob · Michael:She's at the house. She's at the house! You're right. Right about what? She's there, what's going on? Who's with you? If it's Marta, say 'nobody.' Nobody. Well, now I don't know what's going on.

Gob · Michael:Maybe because you've only had sex four times. Four women! Not four times!

Michael:I'll give you what you want... if you give me what I want. Tell me everything you know about...'Hermano.'

Marta's Son · Michael:Sí, mi hermano. He's here? Shh. He's sleeping.

Michael · Marta:What does 'te amo' mean? I love you. Hmm. And who's in there? Mi hermano. Brother.

Michael · Marta:What does 'te amo' mean? I love you. Hmm. And who's in there? Mi hermano. Brother. I've made a huge mistake.

Narrator · Michael:hermano in Spanish meant brother, and the person Marta was infatuated with was, in fact, himself

Michael:Oh, who cares? Nobody respects him.

Michael:That's enough.

Michael:Not-Not-Not... Not... Not hot wrong. You know, regular wrong.

Michael:While I'm doing my noble thing you could put those photos in a box, get rid of the wand... and we can do the wrong thing the right way.

Michael:I think that was about being attacked by bears.

Michael:We couldn't get that down, huh?

Michael:Mom wanted me to tell you... that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead... she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in the blue sweater.

Gob · Michael:If you liked her, I would have said, 'Go for it.' I do kind of like her. Go for it.

Michael:My brother said we can do it. That didn't come out as romantic as I'd hoped, but...

Michael:This is all moot, because she never got a chance to know me.

Michael · Gob:Well, it's effective. Yeah, it really is.

Michael · Buster · Narrator:Michael was sharing his bed for the first time in years. Unfortunately, it was with his younger brother, Buster.

Michael:I don't think us sleeping together is working out.

Michael:Absolutely. It's preemptive, you know, happens before something else. So... if you can predict aggression and you wanna squash it... I don't know why you're not typing?

Michael:Well, you just passed my ethics test.

Lucille · Michael:I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore. Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it?

Gob · Michael:Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone? - Buster.

Michael:That's a young, young, young, girl.

Michael:Oh... 'Nagarma,' you've got a mustache. Hey! I mean, you've got milk on your mustache. Oh. I mean, you've got a milk mustache.

Michael:It's adorable. You look like one of those 'Got Milk' models.

Michael:Hey, Linds, is it my imagination... or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?

Lindsay · Michael:Did you meet Ms. Baerly yet, the ethics teacher? 'Cause I just did. No, not yet. Look, these are our cabinets.

Michael:You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.

Michael:Mmm. No ring.

Michael:I guess that's the 'Rrrr' of it. You know, so frustrating.

Michael:Yeah. But she's dead.

Ms. Baerly · Michael:God, why are we laughing? I don't... Well, it's the Mr. Daniels stroke thing... all over again.

Michael · Ms. Baerly:No, no. That was my Mom. She just had... a 'little Korean' dropped off. - Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that.

Michael:This may not have been my best idea.

Michael:'Nashbagerlajam.'

Michael · George Michael:You mean, you love her like... like she loves Saddam. - Right? - No, no. I mean, like, love her love her.

Michael:Your Uncle Gob slept with her.

Michael:He's not that exact of a target shooter, and he just kind of sprays it everywhere.

Michael · George Michael:Like your cousin. - That's a bad example, but...

Michael:It was a preemptive strike. My brother would've tried to sleep with you.

George Michael · Michael:So this isn't bad, right? just like a normal Saturday. You don't have to drive so slow. I can ride my bike by myself. This actually doesn't go any faster.

Michael:Nice instincts, son. Good reflexes.

Michael:Illusion, Mom. And I'm the president of that company.

Gob · Michael:You know, that Kitty is starting to sound pretty damn sexy to me. Maybe I oughta... That was Lindsay.

Gob · Buster · Michael:The guy's like the world's biggest chicken. I'm not a chicken. Yeah, he's not a chicken. He just doesn't like confined spaces, that's all. No, it's both.

Construction Worker · Michael · Buster:Hey, pick up the pace, douche bag! Michael! You too, candy ass! 'Candy ass.'

Michael:I told you, these people are sheep. All right? They'll wander off, and you'll lose the sheep. You've lost the sheep.

Michael · George Michael:Oh, no. Where is... Where's my phone? I used it to dig the 'B' unit. You what? I'll get it. No, no. You're gonna ruin it! What am I doing?

Michael:Great. Now we're never gonna finish phase three, and everything's gonna fall apart. This whole thing is gonna cave in, and we're gonna be left with a bunch of... Great. Now my sand castle has a giant pool in it.

Michael · Gob:You might wanna button that shirt up. No, I'm good.

Fan · Michael:Wow. He's amazing. He hasn't done it, and you're holding a four of spades in your hand.

Michael:There's not gonna be any coeds. There certainly isn't gonna be any magic. It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you. And you don't even realize it.

Michael:We're not Orthodox.

Michael · Kitty:Kitty, isn't that your phone? No, I'm on the phone with your dad. That one's your line.

Michael · Kitty:Kitty, these are not the files I asked for. Oh, then I don't know what I shredded.

Kitty · Michael:No, I have been Googling your father. So I've heard.

Michael:She's been out for two weeks with this chest thing... but she's had no problems cashing the checks I've been sending her.

Lindsay · Michael:55/55. Deal.

Kitty · Michael:Much better. Man, I was really stuffed up there! Up here, Michael. Up here.

Kitty · Michael:I work for your father. You don't have the hiring and firing power. I absolutely do, and you're fired.

Michael:That's the seventh nipple I've seen today.

Michael:Oh, my God, you paid for those, didn't you?

George Sr. · Michael:Oh, God, there's nothing to hold on to down there. You're like a boy.

Lindsay · Annyong · Michael:You've got a little pocket there, Annyong. Annyong. That's not getting old.

Michael:Wow, you get really girlie after, huh?

Michael:I've gotta get out of here. I'm a part of the story. I can't be a part of the story.

Lucille · Michael · Gob · Lindsay:Nana was on that yacht! What? You killed Nana! She's lying! She's been dead for six months. For about six months.

Michael:Well, you left during my solo.

Michael:considering she was repeating the ninth grade at the time

Michael:Let's say 'five'.

Michael:How can something be 'no less than three' if it exceeds six? I mean, six is still more than three, right?

Michael:Maritime. Maritime law. Lawyers of the sea.

Michael · Maggie:Chareth... Cutestory?

Maggie · Michael:How else am I gonna get to work? - You ride a dog to work?

Michael:Well, it's tough with your hands in the way.

Maggie · Michael:Uh, well, I have an irreversible case of ocular retinoblastoma. - Hey. I thought we said no more law talk.

Michael · Maggie:I really can't see anybody right now. - Oh, well, I can't see anybody ever. - I'm blind. - I'm wasted.

Michael:Come on. I took a blind woman home with no intention of dating her again? Please!

Michael:I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.

Gob · Michael:What's wrong with her? / Nothing's wrong with her. / She's blind.

Michael:I'm Chareth Cutestory, a pirate lawyer.

Gob · Michael:Well, she was a darer. She's one of those girls who just dares you to do things. - You married her? - I needed a dare!

Michael · Gob:Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman. Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping.

Michael:three years is what I give them and then one of them dies and the other one is not too far behind.

Michael:What are you hiding from? You've got to call this off. You gotta get more time. Get more time. She can smell me.

Narrator · Michael:And at his brother's suggestion, he gave a false identity. Chareth Cutestory.

Michael:I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Michael:I might even be the main idiot. Well, I'm not the main idiot, but I'm the idiot in charge.

Michael:I know. 'Thou shalt not make up a name in vain.'

Michael:Well, I know Maggie Lizer is adorable. You don't know what you're missing.

Maggie · Michael:'Be true to thine own self, and to thine own self...' 'Be true.' Yeah. Number seven.

Michael:Justice cannot be blind, Doc. He's got a handle and everything. Come on, boy.

Michael:Watch your head.

Michael:Surely, she has enough sight to catch the truth... before it hits her in the face.

Michael:That was my plan. What do you got?

Michael:Well, the thermostat is in my office. While it's freezing in here, it's still hot in there. So please continue.

Ira · Michael:This is like the bayou in here. - I tried to tell you that. I guess I just had to find out for myself.

Gob · Michael:Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable. Something about how you can never confront people. You need someone to clean up your messes. See, that's great. And that's just off the top of your head.

Michael · Narrator:Oh, no. Oh, no was right.

Michael · George Sr.:I'm fun. It's just that... Listen. The way to fix this Ira thing is not to buy him off. All right? It's to find out where the money went. You're no fun. Yeah. I'm plenty fun.

Michael · Lindsay:Some call me the human metronome. You notice how I'm always on time? I'm never late for things. Yeah, but I think punctuality is slightly different from rhythm. No, it's not. It's the exact same thing. It's knowing how long things take.

Michael:We've been talking here for 28 seconds. Just so you know.

Michael:You've got her hating me... at least your version of me, which is actually you.

Michael · George Michael:We get to stay at a hotel, get up at 4:00 a.m., slap on the old seasick patch. We're gonna get out there on the choppy ocean. We're gonna catch ourselves a little lunch. Oh, we get to eat it? After we gut it.

Michael · Gob:Real fun. Okay? Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?

Michael:Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood.

Michael:Oh, they think they're having fun, Son, but it's not lasting fun. It is fleeting fun, like a bachelor party. What we got here is lasting fun.

Michael · George Michael:Wait a minute. 'Too proud?' What does this have to do with 'too proud?' Actually, that part was kinda just for you. I was just worried the whole thing wasn't gonna land unless I included the pride part.

Gob · Michael · Buster:Hey! What the hell happened to the blood? Hey, Brother. Whoa! Somebody put on his lipstick in the car. I love juice!

Gob's wife · Gob · Michael:I'm in love with your brother. What? You did it again, you son of a bitch! No, no! She's... In-law. Tobias.

Michael · Lindsay:Wow. Exciting, huh? - Finally getting some money. - What do you want, Lindsay?

Michael · Lindsay:Mother's neck. - No, that was a good investment. It is easier to look at now, isn't it?

George Sr. · Michael:Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you? - just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful though.

Michael:EspeciallyJordan. He's just waiting for me to screw up, so he can blow the whistle on me.

Michael:Interesting choice of words, Mr. Jordan. He's right. We don't need a whistle-blower. We need a building full of whistle-blowers.

Michael · Board Members:When you see something wrong, I wa... There you go. I want you to report it.

Michael:Let's wait till something actually happens though. Okay, good fun. All right. Hey. Enough! 45, 46, 47... Okay, there's still three whistles left out there.

Buster · Michael:You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army? - No. Your sister's husband. - Michael? Michael! - No, that's your sister's brother. - I'm my sister's brother. - You're in love with me. Me! - I'm in love with Tobias.

Buster · Michael:And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth... if that's what you're thinking. - Actually, that time that was what I was thinking.

Michael:I guess that's a response.

Michael · Oscar:I have lemons, I make lemonade. - That's a very positive attitude. I hate the lemonade business. I hate the grind. You have to grind so many... lemons.

Michael:You're not a very metaphorical person, are you?

Michael:And he should be, you know? He told me to pay off his brother, and I didn't. Instead, I bought his worthless land.

Michael · Lucille:What's this? What's happening? - It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you. - Why?

Lucille · Michael:Let Mama take care of it. - No, no. Mom, come on. I don't want you to do anything. Hey! This isn't algebra. I'm a big boy. Mother! Do not make somebody dis... disappear.

Lucille · Michael:You know about what I was saying about how people outlive their usefulness? - That was out of line. - I know. But you made a good point.

Lucille · Michael:I remember a young man who used to say 'But I don't have bad dreams in your bed!' - That was Buster.

Michael · George Michael:WELL, SHE'S NOT MY DAUGHTER, BUT IT'S ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'M GONNA GET. I'M A GOOD LITTLE GIRL.

Michael:NOT REALLY. KIDS LOVE BOUNDARIES.

Michael:ONLY TWO OF THOSE WORDS DESCRIBE MOM, SO I KNOW YOU'RE LYING TO ME.

Michael:THAT WAS ODD.

Michael:HEY, MAEBY! MAEBY!

Michael:I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN HE JUST SAID ANNYONG.

Michael:I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IF YOU COULD GO ONE DAY WITHOUT TELLING A LIE. JUST ONE WHOLE DAY WITHOUT BEING LIKE YOUR MOM.

Michael · Maeby:AND 50 BUCKS. FINE. I'LL DO IT IF YOU DO IT. THAT-A-GIRL. THIS IS GONNA BE FUN. I WIN.

Michael:I'M ON IT. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

Michael:I CERTAINLY DIDN'T... DIDN'T KILL HER AND DROP HER IN A BACK BAY. BOY, I HOPE THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO HER. I'M SURE IT ISN'T.

Police Officer · Michael · Maeby:I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A DAUGHTER? I DON'T. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO CALL YOU DADDY?

Michael · Barry:IF I LIE IN FRONT OF HER, IT COSTS ME 50 BUCKS. I DO THINK THAT WE SHOULD LIE.

Barry · Michael:ARE YOU NUTS? NOT WITHOUT A BETTER LAWYER.

Michael:I GIVE YOU EVIDENCE AGAINST MY FATHER, AND YOU PRETEND THAT I DIDN'T KILL KITTY? I MEAN, I-I DIDN'T KILL KITTY.

Michael:I'VE PUT A BOUNTY ON MY OWN HEAD.

Maeby · Michael:LO SIENTO. I HATE BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.

Barry · Michael:LO SIENTO. I HATE BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.

Michael · George Michael:Popcorn? Really? Cool. Yeah, the hell with Atkins, huh? Oh. Yeah. Oh, why blow it now? I'll fry up some bacon.

Michael · Gob:Bees? Beads. Beads?

Michael:Gob's not on board.

Michael:He's thinking about bees again.

Michael:Who'd want a bee as a gift?

Michael:Well, I want a hamburger and French fries, but I can't have the bun or potatoes. Get real.

George Sr. · Michael:First time. I've never heard of a second.

George Sr. · Michael:- First time. - I've never heard of a second.

Michael:I'd rather not, obviously. Don't know what I'd say. Why do I have to be the one? I don't need this. Why does this have to become my problem? No. I'm out. Forget it. Find somebody else. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of doing everything for this family.

Michael:I wanted to watch Hindsight, and you weren't there. I want to pack up and desert the family, and you don't want to. Is it this new girlfriend?

Michael:The state or the police. Maybe the Magicians' Alliance will pick up some slack.

Michael:Ever since he's been dating this Annie McNo-face, he's been blowing me off.

Michael · Doctor:It's just glucose. We're all trying to stay away from sugar.

Annyong · Michael:Heart attack never stop old Big Bear. I didn't even know we were calling him Big Bear. We never had a chance to!

Michael:They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose.

Michael · George Michael:And Aunt Lindsay. She's not my real aunt? Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she's 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.

Michael · Family:That's it. I'm out of here. Ta-da. I'm out of here. Problem contained. We've got the attacking animal down. I'm out of this family. Seriously.

Michael:I've made a huge mistake

Michael:Lindsay. Instead of sleeping in twin beds, why don't you and your husband take the master bedroom?

Michael:Now, do you want to steer? or are you too old to sit on you pop's lap and drive?

Michael:Yes. A father figure.

George Michael · Michael:Uh, it's not Aunt Lindsay's nose. Yes, but no. Don't-don't tell them we were going to... We say we don't need them. Oh. Yeah. Okay. The new one.

Michael:I see you've found an exercise tape made for people as lazy as you are.

Michael:There's got to be a better way to say that.

Michael · George Michael:Who? Ann. You know, she's- she's the girl I'm kinda hanging out with. - I haven't met Ann. - Yes, you have.

Michael:Hey, you! She's got a little hard-boiled egg going there.

George Michael · Michael:It's Ann. Her na- all your money getting her all glittered up for Easter.

Michael:all your money getting her all glittered up for Easter.

Michael:Dad may have illegally built some homes in Iraq, which is kinda not cool.

Gob · Michael:Paper covers rock. - It is a rock though. It should beat everything.

Boat saleswoman · Michael · Lucille:The Seaward. - You're not getting a boat. Get rid of the Seaward. - I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Michael:Fine. But rock sinks boat.

George Michael · Michael:That's Ann. Who's- It doesn't matter.

Michael · Gob:Did I hang up? I meant to hit speaker. Oh. You gotta hit the line first. I'm hitting both at the same time.

Gob · Michael:'Circumvrent' union penalties. 'Circumverate.' Circumvent. Circumvent. Means to go around. The old reach around.

Gob · Michael:Isn't he a little old for that? No. Sorry. I've been looking to get some alone time with him, and it just hasn't seemed to work out lately.

Lucille · Michael · Lucille:I still can't believe he's going into the army. You know, he's doing it just to spite me. Then why are you throwing him a party? Just to spite him.

Michael:You guys have such a healthy thing going.

George Michael · Michael:Ann. Here. You took this picture of us... in front of that bagel place before it was burned down. I guess I thought she was with another family.

Michael:It's like you spend all your time with her. It's like you're hoggin' her- like you're a little Ann hog. Okay? Don't be such an Ann hog.

Michael:"Ann hog" - Michael's made-up insult

Michael · Gob · Narrator:Chiclet? Chiclet? You're the Chiclet! Not me! Unfortunately, in Mexican culture... this was a much more inflammatory gesture.

Michael:Well, this, uh, is a blueprint... of Dad's face. She used the big printer. I'll give her that.

Michael · George Michael:Ann Hog's coming? I thought it was just the two of us. Just Ann.

Michael:Hey. Check out who's on that hog in the rearview mirror.

Michael:Oh, Ann? I just- You know, I barely know her. You know? Neither of us do. She's just really some girl as far as we're concerned. Right?

Michael · Ice:Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know you. You're Gob's friend. Not friend. Bounty hunter.

Michael · Ice:No, this- That's actually him. He's just- He's much smaller in real life. I can see that's a man.

Maeby · Michael:Of course he will. She's a child. Well, that- that part's not really her fault.

Michael:And it's not a race thing.

Michael · George Michael:Yeah. Great talk. That cousin of yours is a hell of a girl. Too bad you can't date her. No. I meant-Wait, you wouldn't have a problem with that?

Ann · Michael:Actually, I was sitting right there the whole time. Yeah? Way to plant, Ann.

Gob · Michael:That's his girlfriend? Yeah. Is she funny or something?

George Michael · Michael:Wow. You really got to know her. Well, we did spend three hours together in that car ride. So, what'd you think? I don't like her.

Michael · Gob:His name's Gary, and we don't need any more lawsuits. No, I was talking about the magazine- Wait. Gary's gay?

Ann · Michael:See? That's a perfect example of how your father's always interrup- [Vibrating]

Michael:I didn't wanna say that when you were talking to Egg.

Michael:Oh, she's still goin'?

Michael · Ice:I'm sorry- he killed a guard? No, the guard killed him.

Gob · Michael:I will be buried in my father's place... and then, one week later, I will emerge from the grave... in one of the greatest illusions ever! This about getting into Poof? I mean, how does that not get me a cover?

Michael:What? What? Is Ann telling everyone?

Michael:For those other guys. You think there are other guys?

Michael · George Michael:For those other guys. You think there are other guys? I don't know what I'm saying.

Michael:Here comes John Wayne. I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build an airport, put my name on it.

Michael:Hey, where the- [Bleeps] Are my hard-boiled eggs?

Michael · George Michael:Her? She's really funny. Well, let's hope so.

Michael:It's as Ann as the nose on Plain's face.

Michael:It's as Ann as the nose on Plain's face.

Michael:The mere fact that you call making love 'pop-pop' tells me you're not ready.

Michael:The mere fact that you call making love 'pop-pop' tells me you're not ready.

George Michael · Michael:The great thing is, she was so moved by what you said tonight that we're back together. Ah! Yeah! Oh, is that great.

Michael:No, Pop-Pop does not get a treat. I just brought you a- [Bleeps] pizza.

Michael:No, Pop-Pop does not get a treat. I just brought you a- [Bleeps] pizza.

Michael:Wow, now more is going to come up than go down.

Michael:This is the nicest she's been since she found out that Rosa could breast-feed Buster.

Michael:Ann got you a B-minus?

George-Michael · Michael:Well, it wasn't Ann. She's an expert in math. - Isn't that cute? - Is it?

Michael:Oh, George-Michael, never settle for fifth choice. Something better is going to come along. She just has to.

George-Michael · Michael:You know, she's just so pretty... I get distracted, I guess. - Do you?

Michael:Maybe it's your eyes. Maybe you need glasses. For your grades.

Michael · Lindsay:Lindsay, it's not a competition. Of course it is, Michael. That's why they call it 'scoring.'

Michael · Lindsay:Maybe in the '70s. That many? We've only been doing this for a month.

Michael · Wayne Jarvis:He's twice tried to microwave a Ding-Dong while it was still in its foil... twice. - Twice? - Two times.

Wayne Jarvis · Michael:Twice? Two times.

Barry · Michael:Did you follow any of that? Yeah, he's hinting that he's going to grant me immunity, but only on the condition that I turn in my father.

Oscar · Michael:Is that her rape horn? It's more like a starter's pistol.

Michael · George Sr.:That's a breast pump, Dad. Oh, well, I did not use it for that.

Wayne Jarvis · Michael:Well, Michael, I did not find their buffoonery amusing. - About my father. - He's guilty, Michael, of medium to heavy treason.

Michael:Well, the 'B' got you glasses. Maybe this time you'll get a neck brace.

Michael · Wayne Jarvis:Those are balls. What? This close, they always look like landscape. Nope, you're looking at balls.

Michael:Yeah, I don't think you need glasses, son.

Michael · George Sr.:Although I'm sorry that you feel you have no love in your life. I don't feel that way anymore. Thanks. It's been a long time since someone stood up for me.

Michael:They used to roast Dad 'cause they thought that he had a sense of humor about himself, but he didn't, and neither do you.

George Michael · Michael · Gob:It's Ann. / It's good. Have fun. Boy's pulling away from you. Are we having yams?

Michael:You complained all the time, and she was my only wife. And she died.

Michael · Maeby:That's about the worst thing I've ever heard. / I had to drive because she had a little bit of a buzz on.

Michael · Maeby:And the thought of rubbing you is getting so exciting / Skyrockets in flight...

Lucille · Michael · Lucille:I walk in and there's a colored man in my kitchen. / "Colored"? What color was he exactly? / Blue.

Oscar · Michael · Oscar:which way do I try to get it in her? / I don't need any details. / Maybe I'll put it in her brownie.

George Michael · Michael:Does not seem like it would be that dirty. / It is catchy. That's the thing.

Michael:I think he'll be pretty impressed, knock on wood. [Michael knocks on what sounds like hollow wood/fake surface]

Michael:Ann? Hmm. That'll play well with Sitwell. 'Where's your son?' 'He's out with Ann.' 'Who's Ann?' 'Don't ask me, I'm just the boy's father.'

Michael · Tobias:Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man. No. Confidence Man Two is my character.

Michael · Lindsay:The only help we need is from each other. And apparently whatever's in that bottle. Thanks for reminding me. My Teamocil.

Lindsay · Michael:Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband. You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you?

Lucille · Michael:'Sergeant Blank is treating me very blank and it looks like I'll be shipping off to blank in about a blank. I blank you, Mother. Buster.'

Michael · Narrator:Well, you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12. [Narrator] Even once on a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.

Lucille · Michael:Get me a vodka, rocks. Mom, it's breakfast. And a piece of toast.

Lucille · Michael:Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some- Go ahead, Mom. Finish your thought. 'Every time some children's hospital needs funding'?

Michael:'Every time some children's hospital needs funding'?

Michael · Sitwell:Sorry that my son couldn't be here- Let me guess. Girlfriend. You know, it could be worse. He could wanna marry your mother. [Laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. Is your family not laughing at that yet?

Sitwell · Michael:You know, Sudden Valley conjures up the image of a sinkhole, no? I told that to Dad. I told that to my dad. I'm thinking- Paradise Gardens. [Wind Whistling] I swear to God, I have that written-

Narrator · George Sr. · Michael:[Narrator] When George Sr. was in charge, he had a habit of shooting down any idea Michael came up with. And Sudden Valley just sort of implies that something awful could happen all of a sudden. Plus, it's on a hill. What are you taking, stupid pills? Come on.

Michael · Sitwell:That's great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we're saying? I mean, come on! Where's your decen- What the hell just fell off your face?

Michael · George Michael:What do you think of when you hear the words, 'Sudden Valley'? Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don't wanna eat it. Right. But 'Paradise Gardens.' Yeah. Okay. I can see marinating a chicken in that.

Michael · George Michael:Plus, I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year. I can't very well pull her off the roster. Let's make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her... as a backup.

George Michael · Michael:Maybe-Maybe now I'll get a kiss. Okay. Oh. I meant from Ann. Yes, I know. I just want to get in there first.

Michael:Well, I just- Hey. Come on. I really want you to be over at Sitwell.

Narrator · Lindsay · Michael:[Narrator] Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? To curb your sex drive. That's right. What team are you talking about?

George Michael · Michael:You know, she's got this low center of gravity. You can't knock her over. Well, I could knock her over. Dad, I'm telling you, you can't. They call her 'The Wall,' you know? Well, that's great. But I could knock her over. I won't, but I could.

George Sr. · Gob · Michael:Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron. Dad? He made the call. You're out. What are you doing? Shush, shush, shush. Dad?

George Sr. · Michael:I'm proud of you. Really? Yeah. See ya.

Michael · Narrator:Or not. I think hallucination is one of the side-effects of Teamocil. [Narrator] It isn't.

George Michael · Michael:Plus, a lot of kids are still talking about when you took down that homecoming banner.

Michael:Meetin' women. Meetin' women who didn't give birth to you.

Michael:Boy, that's enough family stuff for today.

Michael:I thought you won that on Card Sharks.

Michael:I'm driving a staircase, for God's sake. It smells like gas. I get hop-ons.

Michael:I got a hop-on.

Michael:I'll take it.

Michael · Lucille:You baited the balcony? - Prove it.

Starla · Michael · Buster:By the way, I love your mother. - Oh, yeah, I do too. - Oh.

Michael:Wait a minute. This tub's a little bigger than it used to be.

Barry · Michael:- That's what they said on AskJeeves. - All right, who's the majority shareholder now? - A company called Standpoor.

Michael · Narrator:Standpoor? - As in the opposite of Sitwell...

Michael · Gob:- You're wearing his eyebrows? - They make me feel dressier.

Michael:Don't you think you belong in a Lucille?

Michael · Buster:You didn't sell your stock? What? No. Your letter said not to... and I would never want to hurt the family.

Michael:Let her down easy. That right knee could go at any time.

Michael:OKAY. NOW I'D LIKE TO USE UP MY FAVOR AND DECLINE.

Michael:HOPE THAT WAS FORCED.

Michael:NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA BE STICKING ANYTHING. NOT-NOT GONNA STICK A THING.

Michael:JUST SO YOU CAN SHOW UP AND SAY, 'CAR TROUBLES?'

Michael:I CAN'T WEAR THIS. I LOOK LIKE I'M 16.

Michael:Is that veal marsala stuck in the intake?

Michael:YOU KNOW SOMETHING? THE REASON I NEVER WENT AFTER HER IS BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS PUSHING ME.

Michael:CAR TROUBLE.

Michael:NO! I WAS ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH YOU. I LIKE BEING WITH YOU.

Michael:YOU SHOT HER IN THE ASS WITH ABOUT FOUR OUNCES OF HORSE TRANQUILIZER.

Michael · Stan Sitwell:You're not bidding? I was hoping you would. You were? You're a good kid. You always have been.

Michael:THAT-THAT-THAT IS LIKE ME. THAT'S EXACTLY LIKE ME!

Michael:What tipped you? The falling profits... or that we're a regular feature on Bill O'Reilly's 'Most Ridiculous Item of the Day'?

Lucille · Michael:that bitch! You're not at home, Mom. She doesn't live next door when you're here.

Lucille · Michael:the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob. Think that makes the joke on Gob.

George Michael · Michael:Does that mean she's gonna have to come live with us? No, no. No. It was- It was her drink

George Michael · Michael:What's Kama Sutra oil? Maybe it's not for us.

Michael:It's just-There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Michael:Okay. You know what you do? Buy yourself a tape recorder. Record yourself for a whole day. I think you're gonna be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Lindsay · Michael:Chaw-chee-chaw, chee-chaw. What is that? Is that a chicken?

Michael:You too. This is great. Come on. These aren't even birds.

Jack · Michael:[Shouting] Walk, Dragon! Walk! - Enter the room!

Lindsay · Michael:which would be a drag. Yeah, that's just the kind of joke Drag can't hear.

Jack · Michael:particularly when that sister of yours started giving me the cutie eye. She did?

Michael · Narrator:The business meant the world to him, but his sister's honor— uh, meant a lot too. Let's do it.

Michael:He said he'd like to sleep on it.

Michael · George Sr.:You were pimping out my mother. Yes, because she was sleeping with my brother

Michael · George Michael:I just screwed my brother-in-law. Well, I'm all grown up now.

Michael · Tobias:Hey, did you ever get that tape recorder? You're funny. Come on, boy. Hoo-cha-cha!

Tobias · Michael:I think this duct tape is the only thing that's keeping the ankle on. Okay. Ah. Right around there. Oh. I think you're right inside me now.

Michael · George Michael:- Who? - W-Ann. - Yes. Yes. - Yeah, we had- Of course I know Ann.

Michael:First of all, it wasn't Michael Moore. It was a look-alike. And it wasn't in front of the whole country. It was for a bit on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Michael · Barry · Gob:Actually, she died. - You're kidding. I've been taking credit for that for years. - Credit?

Michael:Eight and a half months. Wow. Really? Could've sworn it was a year.

Maggie · Michael:Don't worry. You're not the father, Michael. - [Exhales] - No problem. - Really? - Right. - You sure? I mean, uh- I could be.

Michael:All I could see was her giant chest- box. She had this- Some people call it a chest. I call it a box.

Michael:All I could see was her giant chest- box. She had this- Some people call it a chest. I call it a box.

Michael:This one kinda does that too.

George Michael · Michael:You don't have to do that. - Great, because I didn't do it this time.

George Michael · Michael:Her? - Didn't she turn out to not be blind though? - Exactly.

Michael · Narrator:But she's filled out a little bit. [Narrator] Michael hadn't seen her in eight and a half months... during which she had filled out. Really? Could have sworn it was a year.

Michael · George Michael:See, that's what I thought. - Boy, you really are my kid. - Good. Apparently, so is this one.

Lucille · Michael:Hello? - [Screaming] Mom, you've got to stop starting conversations like that.

Lucille · Michael · George Michael:You're never going in the ocean! Never! - We're here to see him. - You're my baby! I'm never letting you go!

Michael · Buster:My hat is off to you. - And my hand is off to you.

Buster · Michael:I mean, a seal didn't bite your Linus off, did it? - No, a seal didn't bite my Linus off.

Buster · Michael:Then go to her. Ask for her hand. - Yeah. And, uh, maybe... I'll get one for my brother while I'm at it.

Michael · Barry Zuckerkorn:Have you seen Maggie? It's kind of important. - Oh, you just missed her. She's in the bar. What a spanking I gave her in court today.

Barry · Michael · Maggie:Go get 'em. - He spanked me! - Did you spank her? - No!

Michael:Of course. That's what the fat suit is for.

Michael:That's great. He's probably some geek Simpsons writer's kid.

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Where's your child? - I don't have a child, Michael. - We don't have a child, Michael. - That's why we want-

Michael · George Michael:It's another Bluth Boy adventure. We're like a team. - We're like Red McGibbon and Bullet. - Who?

Michael · George Michael:You didn't even go inside. - It was taped to the door. - It's probably the Sparkletts guy.

Michael:Close call there, Bullet. I'm so sorry about that.

Michael:Well, why should you? I just hope you find out which one of you can breast-feed.

Michael:Is this our little bundle of... two gay cops' baby?

Michael · Maggie:When we're together, it is like- - Magic? - I was gonna say 'train wreck.'

Michael · Lucille · Narrator:That could have something to do with the fact that a seal ate his hand. - I don't know what it is. - I think that's what it is. - Who knows? - [Narrator] It was that.

Michael · Gob:Or we could make sure it's the right seal first? - I mean, why get his hopes up? - Yeah, that's better.

Michael · Buster · Gob:Monster! - Hey, Brothers. - Bonster!

Michael:You both were too sheltered to learn how to protect yourselves... and we can't let that happen to George Michael.

Wrong child · Michael:Take me with you! No, please! Please! - It's the wrong child.

Buster · Michael · Narrator:Maybe 'Operation Hot Mother.' - No, let's try to top that. - [Narrator] They never did.

Michael:You know, you're as good a brother as you ever were.

Michael · Buster:And I saw some of those people. That was a very competitive category. - Oh, don't I know it.

Michael · Lindsay:If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.

Michael:I did notice we'd stopped TiVoing the Christopher Lowell show. What happened?

Michael:That is what we call working.

Michael:You are George Michael! Who's cooler than you?

Michael:I said, 'Let's, do not... Let's not put the school through that.' You know, I haven't thought about that for years.

Gob · Michael:Well, you kind of have to, guy. I'm the president. No, no. I'm the president.

Michael:Your Uncle Gob doesn't not-work here anymore.

Tobias · Michael:From Blackstool. I'm charmed, I'm sure.

Michael:See, the mere fact that you think you can says to me that I shouldn't let you.

Michael · Gob:2%, huh? Is that how little I lost by? Lost by? It was close. That's all you got.

Lindsay · Michael:I need you to hire him. [phone cuts to dial tone] Hi. I'm sor- Look, it isn't my idea, it's his.

Lindsay · Michael:No. She's the only one who can hand wash my delicates. Yeah, the real Tobias wouldn't do that.

Michael · Tobias:Wow. Gobias Industries. [Hard 'G'] Gobias. Right. I remember, yeah. As in 'Go buy us a cup of-'

Michael · Ted · Tobias:Ted. Did Ted make an appointment? No, I just work down the hall and- [Tobias] No. Well, then, Ted can get the hell out of this office! You get the hell out!

Michael:Looks like you're looking for dragons, in the future.

Michael · Gob:Bleeding? Nope. Yeah, that's blood.

Michael · Gob:You're losing blood, aren't you? Probably. My socks are wet. Sorry. You'll be sorry! Wait, that doesn't work after his line.

Michael · George Sr.:What's the deal with the turban? Huh? [Chuckles] Pretty smart, huh? And-And it's warm too.

Michael:We're gonna cover the hydraulic flaps and the riser system after I tell you the basics about how to avoid a hop-on.

Michael:Let's go over the route to the hospital. Ow!

Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom · Michael:My baby is sick, but Mother is here to nurse you. Well, now I'm a little sicker.

Michael:I'm peeing. Am I peeing?

Michael:We just call it a sausage.

Michael:Having my day ruined with whatever you're about to ask me to do.

Michael:He is aware that he's not married to you, right?

Michael · George Sr.:Well, that's the first I've heard of this. Well, then who said 'Her?' Me. That was-That was me. But, um, her?

Michael:N-N-N- Y-Yes.

Michael:I don't go religiously. I mean, I'm not a nut about it. Because there is no such thing as a nut when it comes to religion, Pastor.

Michael:Well, Ann's got a great deal of mass.

Michael:Dad escaped from prison. Did you not know that?

Michael:The mere fact that you're laughing about marriage... means that you're not ready, okay?

Michael · Mrs. Veal:I was surprised because of Ann. Well- Why because of Ann? Because of an old wives' tale.

Michael:You really should lock that down.

Michael:That's touching.

Michael:That is what we call working. Something you might wanna try next time you're at the office.

Michael:Even you have to admit that that was the lamest thing ever put on tape.

Michael:Smoking. It's a killer. That Sammy Davis Jr. Should still be performing.

Michael:You are George Michael! Who's cooler than you?

Michael:I said, 'Let's- Do not- Let's not put the school through that.'

Michael:Your uncle doesn't not-work here anymore.

Michael:Gotta do something about that kid's self-esteem.

Michael:That can't be good.

Michael · Inspector:You know this isn't a real house? It's a model house.

Michael · Tobias:I never saw you at the desk. Well, excuse me if I was too busy on my knees in front of the toilet, Michael.

Michael:Shall I knock Dad out and chain him to a pipe somewhere? Or should I risk another herpes outbreak with Kitty?

Michael:I assumed that you were talking about the mutual fund and not a compact disc of you singing to your hand.

Gob · Michael:Crying like a couple of girls. Aw, you're the only one crying.

Kitty · Michael:I can tell you who it's not. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson. He's white. I know who it is.

Michael:I wish they were balls.

Gob · Michael:And guess what else? Dad kissed me. How? He looked pretty unconscious in that picture. I didn't say he was totally into it.

Michael:I'm sick of you needing constant validation for screwing up.

Michael:Visit, no. Gloat, yes.

Michael:You seem more villainous than usual, Mom. Are you sober?

Michael:That was Tom Cruise, the actor.

Michael:How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?

Gob · Michael:Gob and Michael compete over who had the sadder childhood regarding the cabin

Michael:I think the President of a 'Don't Buy' company can afford to take a day off.

Michael:Oh, my God, you're Oscar. Dot com.

Michael:That's from sitting on the copier.

Michael · Lindsay:All right, maybe you're right. Maybe we should get you this car. Yeah, I don't know. It's so boxy.

Michael:I don't know. We don't have that at lunch.

Michael:You're the dad.

Michael:No, I'm better.

Michael:Although, I was very close. I almost had Pop-pop in Reno.

Michael:Well, every problem has an answer. You're probably just confused because you're going through all of this alone.

Michael:That and cheating on Gangy.

Buster · Michael:I've always loved those leathery little snappy faces. You certainly have a type.

Michael:Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

Michael:Lot of that was the coma.

George Sr. · Michael:Andy Griffith. What, you never saw Matlock? Not a real attorney, Dad.

Michael:Not in every case.

Michael:Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Michael · Lindsay:It's more like a Lincoln. Oh, come on!

Michael:There's no satellite radio, but there's a banjo in the closet. And watch out for live-ins.

Michael:Not... Not for sex. You're gonna think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right?

Michael:This is my worst hello. Let me try again.

Rita · Michael:I like to think they teach me. - Like what? How to eat crayons, throw tantrums... - Oh, no. Not when I'm there. I'm very good.

Michael:It's turning into one of my worst good-byes.

Michael · Rita:our paths shan't cross again. As you like it.

Michael:That's a pretty good chicken.

Michael:Dad was not kidding about their breath.

Michael · Tobias:That's a woman's wig. - I was told it was a bob.

Michael:It's a wonderful performance. You're a regular Brad Garrett.

Michael · George Sr.:That could be Buster. - Could be Gob.

Michael:A lot of people are probably here for the free chicken.

Michael:Well, we're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw

Michael:Yeah, that's my father. That's why we had the meeting here-- so that he couldn't interfere.

Michael:He's running pretty fast. I think he did.

Michael · Bob Loblaw · Michael:So you're saying shred the evidence? / No, that's illegal... / So you're saying shred the evidence?

Michael · Rita:I guess this is what the British think of Americans. / They like our food. / Whatever do you mean?

Michael · Narrator:your average American male is in perpetual state of adolescence, you know. arrested development. / Hey, that's the name of the show.

Michael:I don't have a family. / I can't believe I've never told anybody that before.

George Michael · Michael:Michael. I'm doing your cousin tonight. / So are you. / What? She's your cousin, too.

Michael:Take it down. We don't want anything in this house that says 'Rita.'

Michael:Did I say 'snog' again? Oh, bloody hell.

Michael:God, is that how I look?

Michael:You're right. Do not answer that.

Michael:I wasn't hurrying to come stop you. I was out on for my daily, uh...

Michael:And the silver medal. Yes, and you came in second.

Michael:But you take my breath away.

Michael:Yeah, who's Ann?

Michael:No, I know her name's not Annabelle. That's how I remember her name, 'cause her body's kind of shaped like a...

Michael:She's the belle of the ball.

Michael:She's... she running the lights or something?

Michael:Have I missed this euphemism?

Michael:You know, uh, you got to stop saying your name all the time.

Steve Holt · Michael · Narrator:Uncle Mike! Steve Holt! Both men felt good about themselves. Uncle Mike! Steve Holt! But Gob didn't share their enthusiasm.

Michael:Oh, I can't believe I chose this moment to call you.

George Sr. · Michael:You'll do anything to get out of (bleep) in this apartment. Ah, you're drunk.

Michael:I thought he was older, and... more manly.

Michael:Hey, does anyone know why my handlebars are in my bed?!

Michael:Hey, do this with me!

Michael:because I could not take you being away in the Army.

Steve Holt · Michael:I think I'm gonna go get one of those corn dog crosses. With all the 'crucifixins'?

Michael:Besides, I already got him his big present for his birthday. A suit! Dad, it's a Jack Welch. I want you to look under the pants.

Michael:Quicken! Premier. Dad, I hope you kept the receipt. - You wanna return that? - No, I wanna deduct it.

Michael:Really, he would only like it for the receipt.

Michael:Okay, that's, uh, that wa... that was fun. Still, the land probably shouldn't have given out beneath us.

Michael · Gob:- Hey, what happened to you? - Oh, I got highlights. - It'll blend in about a week.

Michael · Gob · Narrator:- You know, she was in the Olympics? - She wasn't. - Wasn't she on the cover of Newsweek? - No. - Yes. - Michael was thinking of this man.

Michael · Gob:The whole backside has moles. That's Frank's problem too.

Lucille · Michael:- What? We're out of vodka. - Sorry. I thought you were doing Godzilla.

Michael:Let's start with my family's misdemeanors... and then push right on through to the lighter treasons.

Michael:Do you know any other songs?

Bob Loblaw · Michael:- And it could be an alias. - Alias is a show about a spy!

George Michael · Michael:I'd wear it to school, but who needs a Welch wedge, right? That's when they... Enough business.

George Michael · Michael:- Well, what if I crash it? - That's half the fun.

Michael:Oh, my God. Tobias Fünke. You're Mr. F.

Rita · Michael:- What's that? - A prize. A lovely, lovely prize.

George Sr. · Michael · Lucille:Who the hell to? / Who do you think? Rita. / Her? / Why?

Michael · George Sr.:Well, first of all, she needs a green card to stay in the country. / There it is. / She needs a green card to stay in the country, because, secondly...

Narrator · Rita · Michael:She was special. / Are houses terribly hard to make? / Actually, the hardest part is finding the land. / But she wasn't smart. / Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.

Narrator · Rita · Michael:For Rita had only mentally progressed to the level of a first grader. / There's no land on the ocean. / You're brilliant.

Michael · Rita:And I like to keep the light on. / That way I can see if you have a monster. / Night-night. / Can you shut the door on your way out?

Michael · Lucille:Let's just all relax, and remind ourselves that we don't have any money. / She's already gotten our money!

Tobias · Michael:Ah, here comes the bride. / Hey. What are you doing in a wheelchair? / No, no, no, it's a dolly to help videotape your nuptials.

Tobias · Michael:No, thank you, I don't need your help. / It does seem like you've been having a whole lot of trouble since the hair transplants.

Gob · Michael:You want me to do a magic show at the wedding. I'm on it. / So glad we pushed through that. / No magic.

Michael · Narrator:Hey, hello. Well, look at you two, Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum. / Michael didn't mean it in that way. / How could he, he didn't even know.

Michael · Lindsay · Rita:You guys have these jackets on inside out? / Yeah, that way you see the label. / Yeah, I mean, that's what you're paying for, right? It's a great statement on fashion. / Plus, it doesn't tickle your neck.

Gob · Michael:What if I find a trick that has her float to the alter or something? / No, no. Love for her to walk. And not to drown. / Or fly through the air. Or catch on fire.

Gob · Michael:Is she allergic to cat fur? / Oop-- no tigers.

Michael · Rita:Well, I-I-I was hoping maybe for more than just our rooms to touch. / I was... thinking maybe we could be... in the same room. / Be in the same bed. / Oh, I see what you mean, a real sleepover.

Rita · Michael:And my tiny teddy. / Good. Yes, get that.

Narrator · Michael · George Sr.:Michael briefly considered faking the voice. / I... She's in the shower. / I'll wait. / Let's wait.

Narrator · Michael:And that local calls were $2.95 a minute. / Come on! / That's where they get you.

Michael · Rita:You can't unlock this door? / I can't even see half the locks! / They're invisible. / Trevor's the only one who can see them. / I'm trapped!

Michael:Mere fact that you call it that tells me that you are ready.

George Michael · Michael:It's the plastic fruit, Dad. / It's very convincing fruit, okay? / Is she going back in for another? / Well, you know, they don't even have bananas in England, okay, son?

Rita · Michael:Say hello to my tiny teddy. / Oh! Tiny Teddy!

Michael · Rita:Oh, you teach kids, huh? / Oh, I like to think they teach me. / That way I can see if you have a monster. / Be careful.

Michael:I've made a huge mistake.

Michael · Rita:For instance, you've never told me how many houses there are in the British Parliament. / Seven. / Are there? / The answer is three. / Does sound about right. / Three is the correct answer.

Rita · Michael:Rita corny, Michael. / You know, I think that we should wait until after we're married. / Married! / Married, married, married!

Rita · George Sr. · Michael:I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised. / Where did you get this firecracker? / I... love her, Michael.

Lucille · Michael:Larry go to a mirror! / You're fired. / You're fired. / What?! / It's over.

Michael · George Michael:She probably can't list the seven Houses of Parliament. / There's three.

Michael · George Michael:That's not gonna be easy. She's an Olympic Silver. / Just figured that one out.

Rita · Michael:Maybe you're not smart, either. / I didn't know until they told me. / No, I'm just a narcissist who was too self-involved to see the truth.

Michael · Rita:That's gonna be difficult, Rita. You're gonna be across an ocean. / Well, you can always walk. / Not on the water. / Oh, Michael, you're such a grown-up.

Michael · Gob:Hang on a sec. That's part of your trick, right? / No. / That's not my trick, Michael. / It's my illusion.

Lucille · Michael:What do you need? / Need? Why do you think I need something?

Buster · Michael:And how about that little piece of tail on her? / I've opened a door here that I regret.

Michael · Lindsay · Michael:Who's the 'her' in that sentence? / Mom. Warden Gentles likes Mom. / 'Her?'

Guard · Michael:You can't park there! No stair car parking! / Sorry, I forgot.

Michael · Lucille · Michael · Lucille:Who's the 'I' in that sentence? / Me. / You? / Her.

Michael · Lindsay:Plus, she's married, okay? She can't be writhing around underneath... What is wrong with you?! It's disgusting! God!

Buster · Michael:Oh, then why do we care? / What is wrong with everyone?

Michael:I wish I'd read The Man Inside Me.

Gob · Michael:It's not a Jamba Juice, Michael. / Shouldn't be that hard to break into.

Michael:Good. Now we know what the strap was for.

Michael · Lucille:You gave him chlamydia? / He had crabs, and I said, 'You're gonna get laughs.'

Michael:That I didn't need to hear.

George Sr. · Lucille · Michael:We ready to have some fun? I'm so glad I didn't cry. That I didn't need to hear.

Michael · Gob:I think they're called Colombians. Oh, I forgot, we're being politically correct now.

George Sr. · Michael:Translation: Wish I'd thought of that. Nice translating, Dad.

Michael · Lindsay:Very secret. He doesn't even know, does he? He has not known of it. That's correct.

Michael:Perhaps you can talk to Maeby while you're getting your eyebrows plucked. It'll look like your eyes are watering 'cause you're sad.

Lucille · Michael:Que? What's Spanish for 'I know you speak English'?

Michael:Mom, if you're gonna speak to these guys like this, you might want to sleep with one eye open.

Michael:Hope you kept your punch card, you're about due for a free one.

Michael:Mom, however, will not have a choice.

Michael:Well, as always, Gob, a mixed bag there, but the middle part sounded pretty admirable for a second

Gob · Michael:If you feel something moving down there, it's just the bird. I know it.

Michael:Don't call it that.

Buster · Michael:Even if it means me never taking a job again. A pulse makes him worth it.

George Michael · Michael:Dad, are they strippers? If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.

Michael:A Hefty bagfull of pesos.

Buster · Michael:'The only scary thing about a one-arm man trying to scare someone is the fact...' '...that he feels that his one arm is good for nothing but trying to scare somebody.' It's upside down.

Worker · Michael:But we are Guatemalan. Won't he know the difference? I think anything south of San Diego will be just fine.

Michael:Put on the sound effects! Put on the sound effects! CD... CD one! CD one! Track two! Track two!

Michael:He's good. He was a Groundling.

George Sr. · Michael · Lindsay:Then get Bob Loblaw to hire to hire me another surrogate. That's kind of the point. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us, because someone wanted a boyfriend.

Michael · Family:I'm talking about all of you getting jobs. [beat] Who threw the tomato?

Michael · Narrator:Oh, no, not the Milford Academy. Children were neither were to be seen nor heard at the school Buster had attended.

Michael:Oh, great. That sounds like another one of those gradeless, structureless, new age feel-gooderies.

Michael · Gob · Lucille:As what, a waiter? Can I get you something, madam? I will have a vodka, though. What? Oh.

Michael:We'll throw a legal defense fund dinner. Ask for donations. As long as we don't look desperate.

Lindsay · Michael:I found that canned ham that we'd had forever, and I put it in a pot of boiling water, and guess what I'm calling it? Soup? Hot ham water.

Tobias · Michael · Lindsay · George Michael:Yes, he's a regular Freddy Wilson, that one. I don't know that reference. I don't either. I don't know either. It's this guy.

George Michael · Michael:Yeah, I'm just taking a three real quick, so I can get a cream soda. Oh, I'll get that for you. No, I will get it. I have to get it myself.

Tobias · Michael:I think he may have developed what we in the soft sciences refer to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Or the O.C. disorder. Don't call it that.

Michael:It says, 'over.' Probably have to crack this open to be sure, but this sounds like an expulsion letter.

Michael:Yeah, the HBO's not going to want us. What do we do now?

Tobias · Michael:Actually, I may have an in with Andy Richter. Do you think you can get him? I'm kidding. Of course, not him.

George Sr. · Michael:How dare that Donny Richter. You know, you got to take care of that guy or I will. I'm just going to pull him out of that school.

Michael:Well, am I the only one that thinks that this family is finally starting to become sympathetic and relatable? I mean, that's what people want to see.

Michael · Lindsay:Poached salmonella? It'll be fine. I'll just put the sauce on them. What kind of sauce is that? Wait, this is the water I thawed the chicken in. Oh. Well, that should go with chicken.

Michael · George Sr.:You're the Muffin Man? You poisoned 25 teachers during the '70s? Just the first two. The others were copycats.

George Michael · Michael:OCD? No, I'm just cleaning up after Aunt Lindsay. She never turns things off. Well... Guess that explains why I saw the hedge trimmer zipping around the drive way.

George Michael · Michael:I love my cousin. Love you, too, pal.

Michael · Narrator:It didn't sound desperate. Well, I guess it really doesn't pay to be desperate. It sure doesn't. And... cut!

Michael:Well, they've got one guy who won't be talking. That is, unless there's a hand inside of him.

Michael:I think he meant 'get Franklin'.

Gob · Michael:Whoa. I did not say that. / You did, Gob. Your mouth moved. Your hand didn't.

Michael · George Sr. · Lucille:Yet you refer to her as a she. / He, she, what's the difference? / Hear, hear. In the dark it all looks the same.

Jan Eagleman · Michael:I'm doing a tech rehearsal for my new show, Judge Reinhold. It's a reality courtroom show. / You know that there's an actor by that name, right?

Michael · Jan Eagleman:So, you're doing this because your name is Judge? / Honestly, this is the first time I put those two things together.

Michael:I'll show him. I'll make a fool out of him.

Michael:Wait a minute. Are you responsible for this, Mom? Did you put one of your sons into a coma so that he can't testify?

Michael:Looks a little bit more like Red Prawn, Dad.

Michael:I don't care if it takes from now till the end of Shrimp Fest.

Michael:Nichael Bluth? Am I N. Bluth? Is he trying to set me up? If I'm N. Bluth, I'm going to prison.

Michael · Magazine ad · Michael:Well, I guess your dad must've had these from way back when, huh? / My name is... / That seems kind of current.

George Sr. · Michael · George Sr.:For God's sake, it's a typo, Michael. What kind of father do you think I am? / That is my birthday. / Close to Christmas. Was that hard?

Michael · George Sr.:Shrimp Fest is over, Pop. / Really? Better go to Chili's.

Gob · Michael:You were gonna say 'mockery,' weren't you? / I was in trouble, like, three words into that.

Wayne · Michael · Wayne · Michael:In our case, Judge Reinhold is both. / Did he get E.P? / Sure did. / Good for him.

Franklin/Magazine · Jan Eagleman · Michael:My name is Judge. / What kind of name is that, magazine? / I'm just gonna go ahead and jump in right here. I have nothing for him.

Judge Reinhold · Michael · Judge Reinhold · Narrator:But it's just a mock trial. Why didn't you just take it to the grand jury? / Wanted to prove to you that I could do it. / I'm going to a grand jury with that now. / Actually, Michael had no idea that's what he was supposed to do.

Michael · Narrator:I have an older sister? / So much for not abandoning family.

Michael:Wow! Look at the beak on that bird.

Michael:A deformed neighbor or... A child that Mom and Dad gave up for some reason, and whose identity they're now using to pin their crimes on.

Michael:Yeah, but that was retard... misguided.

Michael:You can just say intercourse.

Michael · Tom:Like Tom here. / I'm 30. / You're kidding me!

Tobias · Michael:I was hoping to have a jaw session with you. / Well, why don't we just say--as long as that means a talk.

Tobias · Michael:Michael. / Can you believe it? / You're married to my sister. / Don't you think I know that?!

Michael:Hey, coulda, shoulda, woulda. Hey, hey. No, no. Ooh, look, number's up.

Michael:She grew into the nose.

Michael · Lindsay:Nellie has blown them all away. / Yeah, well, I think it's crazy. / You forgot to say 'away' again.

Michael:No, you'd just, you'd go out and you'd just whore it up, Lindsay, you know? Now she's different.

Michael · Lindsay:It's like we finish each other's... / Sandwiches? / Sentences. / Why would I say...? / Sandwiches? / That time I was going to say sandwiches.

Nellie · Michael:Let's face it. There's no denying that there's a heat between us. / I'd like to deny that.

Michael:Franklin is Frank? / Mr. F.

Nellie · Michael:I make 300 grand a year. / Marry me.

Michael:Not really sure what you're going for there.

Michael · George Michael:Including me? Hmm? No. You don't have any secrets.

Wayne Jarvis · Michael:'She's Out Of My Life.' As for your brother Gob in the USO... Don't tell me he's not in Iraq. Oh, no, he's there.

Michael:Cool your Japanese jets.

Michael:Look, it's a Homefill. It's the company that makes the fake stuff we fill the model homes with.

Michael:I think he means to shoot you in the head. But please, at least let him look at the air-conditioning.

Michael · Buster:Buster: 'Looks like you are a hero, Buster.' 'We both are.' 'Well...'

Michael:Risky! There it is, we're doing it, huh?

George Michael · Michael:Family. - I was gonna say breakfast, but...

Lucille · Lindsay · Michael:It's the only hair he's got. What? - He's an alpaca. - He has alopecia.

Lindsay · Michael:Two million! Two million! That sounds like a lot more than it actually is.

Michael:You've already spent $1,200 on eggs, and that would be it forever.

George Sr. · Lucille · Michael:I'm concerned about you. Because I do not want to see... - He'll be fine. - You'll be fine.

Gob · Michael · Gob:You give a man a fish, he'll eat for a night. - If you teach a man to fish... - He'll wanna use your yacht.

Michael:It can't be worse than hearing that just was.

Michael · George Michael:How long has this been going on? - I don't know... 53 weeks?

Michael:Yeah, Ann is the girl for us.

Lindsay · Michael:I'm not your sister. - What? Hey, Lindsay. - I'm adopted. And I'm three years older.

Michael:I'm just not that into older women.

Michael:No, I mean, you can't spoon me like that.

Michael · Lucille · Michael:So, it's embezzlement, bribery and conspiracy? And a whole lot of love. All right, and perjury.

Tobias · Michael:Oh, no, no, no. It's a chain of popular nightclubs. Although I haven't been to this particular location. - It's on the Long Beach Harbor. - That's the ship.

Michael:Yes, she is my sister, no matter what any piece of paper says.

Michael:I've made a huge mistake.

Lucille 2 · Michael:What are you doing? I'm gonna have sex with you for money.

Gob · Michael:Bad example: if you were ashamed of being in love with a man, suddenly discovered these new feelings, then I might say something like, 'Homo much?' It's not that. I said 'Bad example.'

Michael · George Michael:We know everything there is to know about each other. We're like twins. I don't see us as twins.

Michael:Right. I got it, let's call you Boy George.

Michael:Listen, look it. Are you listening? You want your space. I get it.

Michael:You know what? This is your school rally shirt. You know, same size--medium. Do you know where mine is? We wear the same size like twi... We're just like twin-- couple of identical...

Michael · George Michael:It's, like, stuck on 2003. Help me just break into... You just hit 'today.' The 'today' button. Sorry. It's stuck in 2003, so I don't have 'today.'

Michael · George Michael:Oh, okay. Kind of like the antisocial network, right? That's very good. You can use it.

Michael:Next to SkyMall, it's, like, the number two most read in all of coach. Well, three with the safety card

Michael:Okay, give me your meal plan card. I'm gonna run in there, I'm gonna grab a tray, you run around back, make sure you get there in time, before my hand stamp dries.

George Sr. · Michael:So the family got a little stimmy. Don't make a federal case out of it. That is exactly what they're going to make out of it.

Lucille · Michael · George Sr.:It's like tipping an African-American. You wouldn't tip an African-American, would you? Of course I would. On a train? What... Did you know about all this? No, I've been tipping them.

Michael · Gob:Even a waiter? Okay, the treadmill's up and running.

Michael:This is why you don't confide in a competitor.

Lucille 2 · Michael:I got you! Just as he could count on her putting him off and falling down. You did. Bye-bye. Oop. That's a hot mess.

Michael · George Michael:Love each other. Pete! Pete! Wait here. Hang on, Pete! Pete died.

Michael:Boy, shoot me if I'm 86, living in my grandson's dorm, huh?

Michael:You ever even been on a plane, you piece of?

Michael · George Michael · Maeby:There's nobody in here. Buddy, bad news. P-Hound is yanking our chain again. Uncle Michael. Oh, my God. Hi. Hello there. There is a kind of girl here.

George Michael · Michael:Won't that make it a tie? Briefly. Hmm? I mean, if the two of us vote against P-Hound, and you and P-Hound vote against you, then it's two against two, right?

Michael · Narrator:Did you mean to write 'George Michael'? Obviously, the verdict was in.

Michael · Airline Employee:I was mistakenly voted out of a four-person housing situation, uh, in a pack-first, no-talking-after scenario. Does that clear it up for you?

Airline Employee · Michael:But that leaves three other votes. Yeah.

Michael · Cab Driver:Hope you know a good place to live because I'm... Ooh, dear Lord. 'Cause I'm looking to make a new start. Don't touch that handle. Whoa, Mother of God! Dear Lord! Whoo!

Michael:Buster. No... no, Gob. Oh! It was Lindsay.

Lucille · George Sr. · Michael:We're getting a divorce. I want to know about the stimulus package. We haven't had sex since Christmas, Michael!

Michael · George Sr. · Lucille:You had sex seven weeks ago? They were remodeling my room, and I pulled my cot in there, just like camp. We yelled at you to leave. Yeah, but then you whispered, 'Don't pull out!'

Michael:You had sex seven weeks ago?

Lucille · Michael:I have to stop. I have to stop. So... But, finally, I just ordered... pastrami shortcake, like I said, but I didn't order... I didn't order sprinkles this-- Oh, Mother, please. Please.

Michael:I'm just not that into older women.

Michael:Yeah, I don't think your record on that issue is going to back that up, Mom.

Michael:Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you're out of ideas. Seriously, shoot me if you ever catch me doing that.

Michael:You're probably going to call me a pig for this, too, but are you sure that you meant to say 'knew'?

Michael:Hang on a second. You guys finally making that movie? I've been reading about it for, like, 40 years.

Michael:I can see why you're telling me in the LEM, huh?

Michael · Rebel:It's not too embarrassing walking around with a bunch of photographs of yourself. Well, looks like it's part of your job. You're an actress? No, I'm a narcissist.

Michael:Oh, yeah? I don't even know what that is. I should've... Sorry. That's funny. I should have said, 'Where?' Of course, I know what it is.

Michael:Hey, I met a girl today and her name is (BLEEP)

George Sr. · Michael:We have to keep this quiet! Dad? No, no. Don't say I'm down here. Don't acknowledge me.

George Sr. · Michael:Do you know a guy named Herbert Love? I know a lot of people, sure, 'cause I'm a big producer now. He ate a mouse.

Michael:You can't swim in that bay for a month after without getting nacho cheese sauce in your hair.

Michael · Gob:Actually that was a memorial to the death of Pete the mailman. I knew that.

Michael:No, but it is hard to imagine any Muslim handcuffing himself to a glittery cross and living to tell about it.

Michael:Oh, my God. I'm dating Ron Howard's girlfriend.

Michael:You're thinking of Moe Howard, the angry stooge who's been dead for a quarter century.

Michael · Gob:Jesus Christ! Sorry. Wasn't on there too good

Michael · Gob:Yeah, what's the illusion? That you actually love the bride? Hey, that's good patter

Michael · Gob:I have a bee company. You stole my idea? Uh-huh, I did not steal your... We sell... It would take hours

Michael · Lindsay:The wall between Mexico and the U.S.? Tell him to take it down? Or just not to put it up. No wall yet. Oh, no, there's no- I knew that, yeah.

Michael · Lindsay:The wall between Mexico and the U.S.? Tell him to take it down? Or just not to put it up. No wall yet. Oh, no, there's no- I knew that, yeah.

Michael:Fat Tracey or thin Tracey at the end?

Michael · Lindsay:High school. Brother and sister. We can't be brother-sister- she knows about the family. We don't. Just met.

Michael:Say hi to Ron Howard for me.

Michael:Like the $18 baked potato you ordered that you didn't touch.

Tobias · Michael:I will act as your assistant and maybe I'll do my famous gay character. - I don't think you've seen that character. - I think I have.

Michael · Tobias:I think I have. Mm... I don't think so.

Ron Howard · Michael:Did you not know that I'm Rebel's dad? I knew that part.

Michael · Lucille:Gene! He does this to me every time! What's he doing here, Mom? I thought he was that guy.

Michael:Also famousy. Can't give you any information.

Gob · Michael:Is it Julie Bowen? / No, it's not. / Is yours Julie Bowen?

Gob · Michael:I want to hear you say the words 'I'm not seeing Julie Bowen.' / I have not seen Julie Bowen. / Well, that's a funny way to phrase it.

Michael · Gob:I am your brother. / You sound like my son.

Michael · Gob:It said 'Love each other' on the foot band. / Yeah, that does sound like one of mine.

Michael · George Michael:P-Hound. I thought it was the other one. No, it-it was P-Hound, yeah.

Michael:You should see his Facebook page. Doesn't have a friend on it.

Maeby · Michael · Michael · Michael · Michael:Why did we stop? / We hit a bug. / I know, I know, I've got these things very, you know, meticulously maintained. / (bleep) / There are some vultures. They might still smell Pete.

Michael:Rip it up... right down the center. That's it. Rip it. Couple more. Did you get it? Proud of you.

Michael:Otherwise, they're gonna think you're a musician, huh?

Michael:Bet you 500 bucks they find a dead kid behind the stick. You know, or maybe on the dead dad's lap whose only fault was loving that kid too much and letting him fly the plane.

Michael:Well, you know, a month ago, I would have told you that he and I were exactly the same, that we were twins. But now, I wouldn't even think of my son as my brother.

Michael:God, I just hope there are no kids on that plane. 500 bucks they find a dead kid...

Michael:Smartphone, stupid man.

Michael:But now, I wouldn't even think of my son as my brother. Although, in fairness, this is something a Bluth brother would do.

Michael:I have said that, too.

Michael:I want you to know that I think that I've been coming on a little bit too strong... and we're walking down the aisle

Michael · Rebel:Was that fun for you? No.

Rebel · Michael:Are you gonna call me? If I'm in traffic.

Michael:♪ I just stole this fair young miss ♪ ♪ From a big shot, George Mahar... ♪

Michael:You're out of the movie

Michael:Oh, great... pain fades slowly. Quickly.

Michael:So there better be two Rebels in here, am I right?

Instructor · Michael:This class is geared more to self-defense for the family, not... Not from the family.

Michael · Narrator:At the worst possible time. That's not a great sign.

Michael:She was raised by a different mother than Ron's other kids. It's just a whole different thing over there.

Michael · Narrator:I'm gonna have sex with you, for money. That perhaps overestimated his value, at least according to the latest Balboa Bachelor Auction totals.

Michael · Narrator:Boy, you guys don't miss a day. Michael had missed two.

Michael · Young George Michael:Are you okay? Yes, I'm okay. I've wanted to ask you that underwater.

Michael:George Michael? George Michael? Hey, pal. Here we go.

Young George Michael · Michael:I thought it was a restaurant by the pool. Why did you think I said, 'Watch out for the crabs'? Why did you think I said, 'I always get a hamburger'?

Buster · Michael:Am I that much of a monster, Michael? Even to you? No, not at all, I just wasn't expecting, uh, you know, a man to be sitting in a Scuba Jr., leaping out at me up in the attic, that's all.

Michael:No, pal, we were gonna use this scuba gear for scuba diving. Underwater. Not to hang out in a poison cloud.

Michael:Hope I never do that to my own, uh... um... Mom. Son. Ah. Oh, right. Hope I never do that to my son.

Buster · Michael:Pick a lane, Michael. Pick a lane, Buster. No, you pick a lane! Come on. Ow, ow, ow. I picked a lane!

George Michael · Michael · Narrator:Hey. What are you doing here? And almost immediately found himself helplessly doing the opposite. I'm dating Rebel Alley.

Michael · George Michael:Ciao. Bella.

Michael:Boy. It's like the Weimar Republic in that place.

Michael · Officer:Isn't today Cinco? Today's the sixth.

Michael · Lieutenant Toddler:But they just don't pay fair. I do okay. Hmm? Yeah, I'm sure you do. But, you know, you probably... you haven't had to pay for a meal in years, though. Huh?

Michael · Lieutenant Toddler:It's the way that I say goodbye. Um... because you never know, um... if you're never gonna see someone again. You should know that. You see people actually die. I've seen one person die. A postman.

Michael:Of course, I'm holding a wig that is made of red hair. So that's those two and the wig, I think that's got it. And my sister has recently gotten the red hair. But she's nuts, so...

Michael:Of course, I'm holding a wig that is made of red hair. So that's those two and the wig, I think that's got it.

Michael:It's A-N-U-S and then for some reason T-A-R-T. 'A new start.' If you saw it written out, I don't think that you would...

Michael:My brother Buster has something better than a hook. A robot hand.

Producer · Michael:You're out of the movie. You're out of the movie. He hadn't destroyed. You're out of the movie. You're out of the movie! Know what? You're out of the movie. Fine.

Michael · Producer:I get paid? They're Imagine dollars. They're redeemable in the gift shop. That's Ron Howard. Brian's on the 50.

Gift Shop Worker · Michael:Oh, we only sell these as a set. They were getting very competitive. Were they? Brian was.

Michael · Buster:Maybe that's a role I can play in your life. Don't say... Mom. Mmm.

Michael:Question's been asked.

Michael:Just Mama's worst nightmare. Buster's missing. Oh, and his bath has gone cold.

Michael:Covered a lot of ground there.

Michael:Perfect. If that's what happened, tell them.

Michael · Narrator:This is why you always... leave a note. Always leave a note. Where's that from?

Michael:Hola. Window cleaner! I shall be neither seen nor heard.

GOB · Michael:Well, technically, it's from the Bluth-Austero Company. Oh, I see. So you're giving it to yourself.

Michael · George Sr.:Although, by not forgiving, you're throwing everything out and just keeping the hate. Well, how do you think she keeps that figure?

Michael:That is not Buster.

Michael:you know, which is... that's the universal sign for 'things are over.'

Michael:Well, if you ever change your mind, I ain't going nowhere.

Michael · GOB:That's it, I'm out of here! Okay, I get it. Is that supposed to be me? No, that's my impression of Tobias doing you.

Michael · Tobias:Okay, I get it. Is that supposed to be me? No, that's my impression of Tobias doing you.

Employee · Michael:- They closed the company. - For forgiving his debt. - Don't mind me, I work downstairs. - Hi. Doing a little lunch looting.

Michael · Employee:Oh, yeah, a lot of people's first house was a Bluth. No, no, I was part of that Cornballer class action suit.

Employee · Michael:I made enough to put a down payment on a Sitwell. Well, we've put a lot of people in Sitwells, too.

Michael · Narrator:Just to see the roof of a Rite Aid? Which was the first that G.O.B. had heard of the view.

GOB · Michael:It used to be a 2 Hour Teeth, the whole place. Yeah, I remember the screams. I guess it was the 90 Minute Tooth guys across the street that put the 2 Hour guys out of business.

Michael · GOB:Boy, what's a bike tire doing on the roof of the Rite Aid? Yeah, that's the $14,000 a month question, isn't it?

Michael:Like you, I'm about to go underwater, but before I go, I'd like to give you some advice: you're not good at this.

Michael · GOB:Then why did you move into your son's dorm room? That was a year, okay? And not even a full year, because I got there at Thanksgiving.

Tobias · Michael:I wish I had known you'd had such depth before I gave your part away to a less experienced actor. I didn't know there was such a thing.

Captain · Michael:No, we leave at 6:00 p.m. You telling me we've got a 14-bell delay?

Michael · Stranger · Stranger:My wife died there. Ovarian cancer, actually. He's a liar. And... He shouldn't have said that.

Michael:Lied to me, and that's worse.

Buster · Michael:I'm making this into a trophy for Dad. / I can't wait to see the one you got yourself.

Michael:At least he did something that we have not been able to do. He stood up for himself when his father was wrong.

Michael:I don't know, maybe she did not hear 'I'm leaving' when I said, uh, 'I ain't going nowhere.'

Michael:I got a cactus, for God's sakes. That's a universal sign for 'things are over.'

Michael · Narrator:he decided to be the adult in the relationship and avoid conflict by squatting in a bush

Michael · Police Officer:You know, there's a woman in there who's obsessed with me... Oh, this one, too?

George Michael · Michael:That is one dirty cop. Dad.

Michael · George Michael · Narrator:And without the ability to speak, they resorted to a language they'd learned long ago.

George Sr. · Michael:No, the only way you're stabbing anything is if you have a knife. That's what he meant.

Buster · Michael:He was just giving me a Fanta! I know I should've spoken up for him, but I was only a boy. Barely out of my teens. I didn't... Currently.

Michael · Barry:So, you're saying I paid to bail you out? You weren't gonna leave me there, were you?

Michael:I'd never ask you for money. Come on. And it's 50,000 that I'm not asking you for, not 15, okay?

George Michael · Michael:Which I could probably lend you. - Oh, I don't need it. - Huh? No? Good. Yeah? Good, good.

Lucille · Michael:He tickles my fancy. Your what? Is the... What part of Mom is the fancy?

Michael:You do not want to know what I'm picturing, and it's not what you think.

Gob · Michael:'Geo-bead' confusion and George Sr.'s made-up expression

Michael:G-O-B spells 'Gob,' you geo-bead, so why don't you s... ah. Well, today's the day.

Michael · Maeby:Oh, did that actress die? Oh, you, 2015.

Michael:Did I overhear that Rebel does not want you to meet her family?

Michael:I also thought that he was... Her... Her lover? Boss.

Michael:Be yourself, George Michael. George Maharis. Yes, be George Maharis, George Michael.

Michael:Eating what you stepped in. You made that point.

Michael · Gob:The only mother figure he's ever had in his life was... Oh, it was Mom. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Huh, poor kid.

Michael:Wait, we had Mom. You know, in a way, she was our mom.

Kitty · Michael:I was gonna say, they look puffy and red. You guys need to get a room, huh?

Michael · Gob:'Did you trick her into it yet?' 'Trick her into what?' 'Giving us our rights back, you geo...'

Ron Howard · Michael:I can't tell you how many times I've felt like a fraud. But I'll tell you a secret, everyone... Hey, Ron. Michael.

Michael:You know I'm as straight as they come, I just got a lot on my mind right now with work, slash, am I gay, slash, Buster's in jail.

Ron Howard · Michael:I don't know how to, Reed. Oh. I must've heard that. I must've heard that. Right? Sure. That, uh... so you get... Do you get the scripts read to you?

Michael · Bryce Howard:You think so? Do you think that she's just using him? Yeah. And I'm pretty sure it's not for his body.

Michael:I think he's got a great build. You know? Um, he's wiry. You wouldn't want him to be taller. I like the young man's body. Okay? I do.

Michael · Buster · Barry:She said that I could make up whatever reason I want. You tell me what is easiest on you. Hmm, no, it's too mean. I think you're entitled, Buster. She hates you, Michael. We'll use that one.

Michael:The good news is, you thought I said 'frolicking.'

Michael · Buster:Lucille 2's head in a box? Spooky.

Michael · Buster:Okay, now inside the stair car are two heads. One bald, one spiky. Spooky.

Michael:I almost said 'the cottage.' I changed it to 'ing on the beach.' It's 'frolicking.' 'Frolicking.'

Lucille · Michael:there's not a lot of 75-year-old women who got a body like this. You know? I don't think that's bragging.

Michael:Say what you will about Ron Howard as a filmmaker, but the man is not a Nazi sympathizer.

Michael · Lucille:The 4th of July parade is on the 2nd? Yes. They moved it because they don't want the Hispanics to get even by using up all the supplies a day early like we do with Cinco.

Gob · Michael:'Willy Wondy?' Who's Willy Wondy? 'Will he, won't he' do magic on our float. Won't he.

Barry · Michael:If they're listening, just say 'dogshit.' Mm. What you said, I would repeat, but the family is here, and I want to make sure that I don't get it wrong. Get it wrong? Say 'dogshit.'

George Michael · Michael:Oh, that's north. You said you were going northeast. Well, I'm headed north, then I'm headed east. Otherwise you don't pass the Andersen's P.S.

Michael:No, thank you. Uh, nein, danke.

George Sr. · Michael:Since when is Viagra pink? Your mom says that the Medicare only does the generic. You know, this is estrogen.

Michael:You're probably not impotent, either.

Gob · Michael:How would you like to help me in a double-closet sexuality switch two-hander float illusion, no credit, no money? Oh, and you turn gay. I'll pass.

Gob · Michael:No. Um, hey, how would you like to help me in a double-closet sexuality switch two-hander float illusion, no credit, no money? Oh, and you turn gay. - I'll pass.

Gob · Michael:So you're saying nothing's worse than the sound of the dog screaming? No, I just meant you're not a very good magician.

Michael:You haven't needed a tissue since Nixon resigned.

Michael:This is gonna be less humiliating.

Lottie Dottie · Michael:Oh, you must be Buster's brother. Hop in. I am Buster's brother. Yes. Oh, so how can I help you? And please make sure to wave.

George Michael · Michael:Ron and Brian Go to Mexico. Was the name of the game?

Michael · George Michael:What were you playing... Ron and Brian? - Go to Mexico. - What's that? Ron and Brian Go to Mexico. Was the name of the game?

Michael:It's just not the only one. It's one of a bunch.

Lucille · Michael:Why do we have to have a party every time someone in this family is released from prison? - Tradition.

Lucille · Michael:Like that god-awful thing you used to make me do on your birthday. Cook?

Michael · George Michael:So stop having feelings for her. What? Is that something you can do with people?

Michael:Yeah, once I learned how to do it with my parents, it was easy with everyone else. It's like a heart switch, you know? Click. I love you. Click. I love you not.

George Michael · Michael:No, but in my defense, I'm not a sociopath. Click.

Michael:That's the sign of a healthy business. It's closed in the middle of a Tuesday, and the owner's locked out.

Michael · George Sr.:What are you doing with the hose? Wha... No, I didn't know it was on. I mean, I would never purposefully run a car with the garage door closed with the family in crisis.

Michael · George Sr.:Okay. You know, Dad, this is an electric car. Oh. So, the only thing you're killing is my battery.

Michael · Gob:I used to train dogs, so I'm very patient. - Good Gob. Good K.

Michael · Gob:I used to train dogs, so I'm very patient. And $10,000 for a printer? - 10K. - Good Gob. Good K.

Accountant · Michael:Would you be terribly offended if I offered you a candy? - I don't think Dad wanted me to see this. - I don't, either.

Michael:We got to face facts. They're stuck. These stick. They're stickers...

Michael · Gob:Maybe even burning the... well, midweek oil. I quit. I shouldn't have called it the easy choice.

Michael · George Michael:That explains that toothbrush next to the warning sign. And you see how they spelled 'byte' without a y. - No, this is for dentists.

Michael:This is why you have a billion-dollar software company and your old man has to hit 'popcorn' on the microwave any time I want to heat something up.

Michael:Have you ever noticed that dreams are hard to remember? There's one I can't forget. The dream of us working together.

Michael:A little bit of TV, sure, and then a little kiss good night and off to bed. You know, I am just realizing that I'm still picturing you as a ten-year-old.

Michael:We didn't uncheck 'Make Background Tongue.' I mean, why do they even call it Two Hour Teeth?

Michael · George Sr. · Lucille:There's Chinese Romneys? No, the only Romneys are the Mexican Romneys. Well, and the regular Romneys.

Michael:Michael: 'Whoops! Force of habit.' when getting off on his son's floor

Michael:Michael: 'Catchphrase could use some pruning.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael finds George Michael was paid as 'Payment of two drums of dried George Michael' - 'A cocoa-based, non-digestive colorant'

Michael · George Michael:Discovery that the check is from the Cayman Islands, not the banana stand

Michael:Michael: 'That's gotta be from South Park.' about the banana stand money catchphrase

Michael:'That's gotta be from South Park'

Michael:Michael's B.S. Enterprises explanation: 'It was 'Banana Stand,' but it's also got a second meaning. Bullshit. Bluth and Son.'