Courting Disasters

Ron (Narrator):The narrator's familiar 'Now, the story of a wealthy family who lost everything' opening monologue — a running gag repeated every episode

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille to Lindsay: 'Oh! Look who thinks they can wear white.'

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille can't hear what anyone is saying 'over the sound' of Lindsay's singing, comparing it to a cat

Lucille:'Most people close their eyes when they plug their ears.' [LUCILLE SIPS]

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille reassures Lindsay: 'Maybe it'll be better if you don't win this one. And you wouldn't be losing much, just a cruise with your grandmother.'

Lucille:Lucille describes Buster's disappearance: 'I took Buster off his leash, and I brought him down to the beach. Don't worry, I told him how to swim.'

Lucille:After Buster nearly drowns and is revived by Michael, Lucille says 'That was a freebie.'

Multiple Bluths:The talent show sequence with 'Balls in the Air' song playing while characters juggle, featuring the lyric 'When the foot's on the other shoe'

Michael · Lucille · Gob:Visual gag: Michael performs a magic/juggling act with confetti coming from his hat, and Lucille asks 'But where did the confetti come from?' — 'From Michael's hat. Honestly, these are so easy.'

Gob:Gob's magic trick punchword: 'Abra... cadaver.'

Lindsay:Lindsay returns for the talent competition and says 'And you never will. I want to save you the trouble of having to close your eyes while plugging your ears. So how's this for my talent?' — then tap-dances as a ghost

Gob:'Honestly, I don't know how Tap-Dancing Ghost doesn't take the whole thing.'

Lucille:Michael accidentally saves Buster from drowning, and Lucille protests: 'This doesn't count! Who took off his gentleman collar?'

Gob:Gob's incantation over the dead dove: 'Oh, spirit of this dead bird, fly into my dead brother!'

Lucille:After Buster is revived, Lucille says: 'Mommy's here. And as much juice as you want tonight.'

Lucille · Dusty:Lucille tells Dusty: 'Believe me, the guilt will fade. I mean, I've cheated on you a thousand times.'

Lucille · Dusty:Lucille to Dusty about cheating: '...it does almost make up for the permanent damage you did to my endocrine system.'

Lucille · Michael:The prosecutor cut her hair and the Bluths whisper: 'Does she look rattled to you?'

Lucille · Lottie · Michael:Prosecutor praises 'the most charitable, vibrant, balanced, beautiful woman named Lucille this town has ever known' — Lucille Bluth snorts 'Burn,' then clarifies: 'It's just that my mother's name is Lucille as well, so the burn was on her.'

Judge Stanley · Lottie:The judge says 'I'll allow the burn.' — and proceeds with the trial normally

Dusty:Dusty's completely incompetent opening statement — stammering, voice cracking, laughing at his own predicament, 'I didn't even know you could use videotape'

Dusty:Dusty: 'I feel like I got, like, totally the hard part of this case.'

Lottie · Dusty:The DA (Lottie) whispers to Dusty across the courtroom: 'You can do it. You're ready.' — having slept with him the night before believing he was someone else

Lottie · Lucille · Ron Howard (Narrator):Lottie's pre-trial concern: 'Everything go okay last night?' Ron narrates that she had visited Dusty's dying father in the hospital, mistaking him for Dusty, and 'gotten a head start.'

Lottie · Dusty:Lottie to Dusty in court: 'I've known you since you were 30! And you can call me Mom.'

Dusty · Judge Stanley:Dusty asks: 'If the judge will allow it, permission to hug the defense counsel.' Judge: 'Hell yeah. Let's get the hug on.'

Ron (Narrator):Ron narrates: 'It would've been a great ending for a feel-good movie, but it was a horrible beginning for a gruesome murder trial.'

Buster:Buster (quietly, about the hugging attorneys): 'Well, he is. Clearly is.' (about being called a murderer)

Lucille · Dusty:Lucille to Dusty: 'That was humiliating.' Dusty: 'For my first murder trial, though, my first anything trial, not bad, right?'

Lucille · Dusty:Lucille: 'Oh, for God's sakes, stop talking like a child. I mean, how old are you?' Dusty: 'Fifty-six and a half.' Lucille: 'Jesus!'

Dusty:Dusty: 'Not gonna let that ruin my recess.'

Michael:Michael: 'Oh, my God, he's a motherboy.' — realizing Dusty is the son version of what Buster is

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'All right. I made an awful choice, but did I give you a hard time when you gave all our life rights to Imagine Films to make some TV show?' Michael: 'Yes, you did.' Lucille: '...That was somewhat amiss of you.'

Michael:Michael's assessment of Lucille's bet on the DA calling a mistrial: 'She offered him gum.'

Lucille:Lucille: '...I hired a completely incompetent lawyer and put my son's life in the hands of a moron, and I know what you want me to say, Michael. Okay, I'll say it... My bad!'

Michael:Michael: 'I don't think I have heard you apologize since... since people used to use that phrase to apologize.'

Michael:Michael: 'It occurs to me that he may not come back from recess unless he hears a bell. I'll get him.'

Tobias:Tobias offers to be a character witness and says: 'I know the Buster character better than anyone. I could play Buster with one arm tied behind my back. In fact, I've played Buster with two arms tied behind my back. I was handcuffed.'

Tobias · Dusty:Dusty tells Tobias they don't need him to 'play Buster on the stand, more just talk about him as a person.' Tobias: 'Oh. Well, you don't think I'd be more appealing as the accused?'

Tobias · Dusty:Dusty accidentally says 'the night of the murder' and Tobias corrects him: 'Alleged murder. Alleged.' Dusty: '...Yes, yes, alleged.'

Tobias:Tobias insisting on performing in 'an English accent' for his witness stand appearance, then immediately correcting himself: 'Nay, nay, I shan't. I shall stick to the script. Not script. Vérité. I have taken the note... vérité.'

Ron Howard (Narrator) · Buster · Tobias:Ron narrates: 'Well, "happily" might have been an overstatement.' — flashback to Buster complaining: 'I don't know the songs. You're a monster. You don't have to be any good.' / 'What?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Now, I do wish I could do this gratis, but I'm having a bit of a shelter crisis of late.' Then: 'Unrelated... What happens to this room when you leave? ... Yeah, I think they lock it up at night. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Damn it!'

Michael · George Michael:Michael says he's 'free now so I'm gonna try to help out in court' and George Michael notes he found 'A Copy of A Few Good Men.' Michael: 'Look at that. How'd that get there?' Then reveals he's looking for his maritime law diploma as proof he passed 'what they call the wet bar.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael: 'The drop stairs were down, and you were yelling, "Where is it?"' Michael: 'Oh, that helps, too.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael listing all the ways Michael has inserted himself: 'You dated my girlfriend. You moved into my dorm room. You bought my business.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael and Michael discover that Fakeblock actually exists (sort of) — Michael tries the software and says: 'I cannot even get past the logo, so you're close.'

Michael · George Michael:Michael thinks George Michael is saying Rebel isn't over him; George Michael clarifies: 'No, Fakeblock. It's fake. There is no privacy software. I made the whole thing up.'

Michael:Michael: 'I do wish that I had not removed all of my privacy software and replaced it with Fakeblock, but on the other hand, it does explain why Pemender from Kuala Lumpur keeps signing into my LinkedIn.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael: 'The Chinese are gonna kill us.' Michael: 'I'll get us out of it.' George Michael: 'Please don't.'

Gene Parmesan · Lucille:Gene Parmesan is disguised as the new bailiff; when called to the stand he's nowhere to be found; someone suggests 'Has anyone checked under the... new bailiff?' — Gene Parmesan is the bailiff.

Gene Parmesan · Lucille:Gene Parmesan, after being sworn in: 'That never gets old!' Then: 'I'll tell you something else that never gets old. Whoops. I'm under oath.'

Gene Parmesan · Lottie:Lottie asks Gene about working at the donkey punch stand while 'undercover.' Gene: 'Definitely undercover. I don't need two jobs. [Chuckles] 'Cause everything's going really good.'

Lottie · Gene Parmesan:Lottie: 'What exactly is in a donkey punch?' Gene: 'You know, mostly Kool-Aid.' Lottie: 'So it's similar to juice, then?' Gene: 'It is.'

Dusty · Gene Parmesan · Judge Stanley:Dusty asks Gene 'How many looks are you capable of creating?' — and then accidentally directs the question at the judge.

Gene Parmesan · Dusty:Dusty says 'as we've claimed' about Buster wearing the rock monster suit — Gene: 'Cause it was me.'

Buster:Flashback narration: Buster sees an 'old rival' at the donkey punch stand and flies into a rage: 'It's punch, like the juice! Oh, I need some juice.'

Tobias · George Michael · Ron Howard (Narrator):George Michael calls Tobias 'Uncle Tobias'; Tobias is tickling him: 'Tickle, tickle.' Narrator: '...back at the office, George Michael was worried about his dire situation... when an even more dire one came through the door.'

Tobias · DeBrie:Tobias explains that DeBrie blew their cover at the Spotted Palm 'by looking at her cellular telephone without holding it at arm's length and putting on her readers first.'

Murphybrown:Murphybrown: 'Sorry, I keep forgetting that acting is my passion.'

Tobias · DeBrie · Murphybrown:The troupe improvises an explanation for 'Annette's death' — she was 'gored' in the running of the bulls in a place where 'an animal took off with the body so fast you couldn't get it back'

Tobias:Tobias offers to make the company a 'sexual harassment video' and adds: 'I'm no Harvey Weinstein, but I'm sure I could produce one.'

DeBrie · George Michael:DeBrie: 'And I knew him. Did I tell you that story when Mr. Weinstein killed my ficus in the '80s? When he came over to audition me for...' George Michael: 'Yes. We all know DeBrie Bardeaux snagged a private audition with Harvey Weinstein.' DeBrie: 'Yeah, but I came on too strong, so I didn't get the part.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Yes, well, some of us weren't lucky enough to even have an audition to blow.'

Murphybrown · George Michael:Murphybrown describing privacy software: 'It's like a dam, or like a stopper, or a barrier to stop people from...' George Michael: 'Like a block?' Murphybrown: '[stammers] Okay. [Laughs]'

Tobias:Tobias explaining Murphybrown's privacy code: 'Nobody wants to be naked underneath their underwear. So, one adds an extra layer of protection. It doesn't have to be denim, per se, but everybody wants to hide their privates from something. Not everybody.'

Warden Gentles · Lottie:The warden says he got information 'straight from the horse's mouth.' Lottie asks: 'And who is the horse?' The warden pauses and says: 'Lucille Bluth, of course, of course.'

Warden Gentles · Ron (Narrator):'All seals can come loose with a little bit of... Gentles' pressuring.'

Ron (Narrator):Ron narrates: 'The only thing guarded that evening was Warden Gentles' private trailer.'

Ron (Narrator/Ron Howard):Ron Howard breaking the fourth wall mid-trial to apologize for the footage quality: 'Now, remember, this is really rough. And our location guy was only able to rent out the cottage for shooting for, like, two days. And it's all temp sound. We haven't licensed most of this music.'

Ron (Narrator/Ron Howard):Ron Howard, after the flashback: 'You know, it's funny, I was actually worried about them showing this in court, but it turned out better than I'd remembered. And I actually think it's a good advertisement for the show. Of course, we still haven't gotten Brian's notes. And obviously, we're gonna put Jean Smart's face on the stuntman.'

Dusty:Dusty, shocked by the video evidence: 'My dad made us give up Netflix when they went up by two dollars.'

Warden Gentles · Ron (Narrator):Warden Gentles: 'I'm not just saying this to suck up to Ron Howard, but I think we nailed it.' (about the footage quality of the Imagine project)

Dusty · Buster:After the devastating video evidence, Dusty shouts: 'Mistrial! Mistrial!' — then Buster responds: 'Yes, yes! I missed your trial!'

Lucille · Buster · Dusty:Lucille confronts Dusty: 'So you sell me out to Warden Gentles?' Dusty: 'And we both know you said I wouldn't get in trouble. You made a promise!' Lucille: 'No, Buster, it was a mistake!'

Lucille · Dusty · Buster:Lucille to Dusty: 'So you sell me out to Warden Gentles? And we both know you said I wouldn't get in trouble.' Dusty: 'No, Buster, it was a mistake!' Lucille: 'You can live with her, Dusty. She can be your mother.'

Lottie · Dusty:Lottie to Dusty after the trial disaster: 'Now you made it almost impossible for me to win this case. I mean, was that an option? Because you did almost kill my dad.'

Murphybrown · George Michael:On the Next AD: Murphybrown demonstrates real privacy software ('they'll see dummy info instead of your real data') and asks 'So, like, do you want to watch Gone Girl?' Then reveals they can watch it for free because the studios will just see dummy data.

George Michael:George Michael: 'Well, this is Fakeblock.' — realizing the piracy software IS Fakeblock

Murphybrown · George Michael:Murphybrown: 'Hey, do you want to see Ben Affleck's peen?' George Michael (stammering): 'Yeah. Would love to.' Then both look at the laptop with increasing 'Huh. Yep, yep' reactions.