Gob Bluth

Gob:Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. Or candy.

Gob:Illusions, Dad! You don't have time for my illusions!

Lindsay · Gob:The only thing I found in the freezer was a dead dove in a bag. You didn't eat that, did you? 'Cause I've only got a couple days left to return it.

Gob:Died right in the middle of a show. Do you want a cage for that? No. I'm a magician.

Gob:I can't trust a mailman with this. This is important.

Gob:Michael, having a nice day at the beach while the rest of us are busting our asses to deliver your mail?

Gob · Michael:Better than being treated like the goofball... the joker, the magician. I thought you were gonna do, like, a trick there. A fireball or something. I was. It didn't go off. These things never go off when you want them to. My least consistent trick.

Michael · Gob:I thought you were gonna do, like, a trick there. A fireball or something. / I was. It didn't go off. These things never go off when you want them to. My least consistent trick.

Gob:Return from whence you came!

Gob:You couldn't have called me? I can't swing a hammer? I got a rabbit to buy.

Gob · Narrator:I thought these things were only legal in Mexico. In fact, the Cornballer wasn't legal anywhere.

Gob:Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business, I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away. But I won't be happy.

Gob:I am so sorry.

Gob:Are you crazy? I'm a magician. I make my living with my hands.

Gob:She's not 'that Mexican,' Mom. She's my Mexican.

Gob:If I can't find a horny immigrant by then, I don't deserve to stay here.

Gob:It was utterly macabre.

Gob:Today I gotta stand next to her like I'm Rita Wilson.

Michael · Gob:That's Mom. Hide. / He's in here, Mom!

Gob:Say that to them in Spanish.

Gob:Which, of course, he never did with me.

Gob:I probably would have taken her to the nice event, but prison'll be fun too.

Gob:Life, Dad. I killed a guy.

Gob:I can't go without privacy. I c... I can't pass this key without privacy!

Gob:I've made a huge mistake.

Gob · Michael:How would you feel if I came down on you hard? / You're saying I'm not reading this right. / No, I'm saying I need to jump on you to break my fall.

White Power Bill · Gob:White power! / I'm... white.

Gob:Ta-dah?

Gob:Good thing you didn't bring the stairs, huh?

Gob:So close.

Gob:? Ta-dah?

Gob:So I am going after this guy with everything I've got... art. Now we are writing a letter.

Kitty · Gob:I wish I would've known you were coming. I am a mess. Don't know if a call from me would've changed that.

Gob:Not as much as I like what's underneath it. No, I need your chair.

Gob:No. Glasses on. Hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.

Michael · Gob:I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad. God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting!

Gob:I have a sense of propriety. All right?

Gob:Have we done up, off? Wrong and bright. That's be... brighter!

Gob:Oh, God, Mommy! What did you do?

Gob:Oh, God, Mommy! What did you do?

Gob · Narrator:You won't even know I was here. But after a shiv to his side... thus fulfilling, in Gob's mind, his contract with the public. Ta-dah?

Gob:Oh. Wait, wait. Let down your hair. No. Glasses on. Hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.

Kitty · Gob:Do you want me to turn all the lights off? Yes, yes, please. How's that? Is that better? There's still light coming in from under the door.

Michael · Gob:I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad. God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting!

Gob:I Kitty.

Gob:lit by nothing but natural light.

Gob:Glasses off. Glasses on. Hair up. Glasses off. Down, on. Have we done up, off?

Gob:Oh, God, Mommy! What did you do?

Gob:Well, they got the Asian right. 'Hotties' might be a stretch.

Gob:Well, let's start with the little one.

Gob:She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. We ended up checking 'Albino' on the form.

Gob:What frail act got you this time, Michael? She couldn't open a jar? What, did a clump of her hair come out in your hands?

Gob · Woman:Look, I don't want you thinking that your uncle is some sleazy character from the docks. - Good morning. - How are you? She's an Olympian... hopeful.

Gob:Turn this skiff around. - We haven't even left the dock. But 'skiff' is appropriate, right?

Gob:Which was behind the passenger seat. Which means that she picked you up and dragged you over to the driver's seat.

Gob:I was halfway to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.

Michael · Gob:No, no, Mom. You're great. That's crazy talk. You're a fantastic mother.

GOB:Well, they got the Asian right. 'Hotties' might be a stretch.

GOB:Well, let's start with the little one.

GOB:I know, Michael. That's why this is the perfect opportunity to throw her a surprise party. She'd never suspect it.

GOB:Come on. That would never happen.

GOB:She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. We ended up checking 'Albino' on the form.

GOB:Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you?

GOB:She's an Olympian... hopeful. Swimming and some coaching. Yes, I will make the I.D.'s for you.

GOB:But 'skiff' is appropriate, right?

GOB:Which was behind the passenger seat. Which means that she picked you up and dragged you over to the driver's seat.

GOB:because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.

Michael · GOB:That's crazy talk. You're a fantastic mother.

Gob:Oh, sure. First you dump all over it, now you wanna know how it's done.

Gob:The legs... The bottom half of my saw-the-lady-in-half trick.

Gob:God, I gotta stop giving these things away.

Gob:The old top half quit when she found out I was sleeping with the legs.

Gob:The legs are insanely jealous.

Gob · Michael:She doesn't respect my career. / Okay.

Gob:Wiggle those sexy gams, lady.

Gob:That was just my girlfriend and my nephew.

Gob:I might have been just a little too believable.

Gob:I keep forgetting how hilarious you are.

Gob:My gut is telling me 'No,' but my gut is also very hungry.

Gob:100. I accidentally said 200. I don't know...

Gob:Really, a hundred dollars. You can't get good weed for a hundred bucks.

Gob:Let's deal some drugs.

Gob:Okay, you can put your shirt down, Derek. Just give him the stuff.

Gob:No, no! These are just strippers! Look how hot they are!

Gob · Lindsay · Lucille:I have a job. / Kiss ass. / Well, we were all thinking it.

Gob · Lucille:Kiss ass. Well, we were all thinking it.

Elderly person · Gob:A tomb? / Or box. Box is... fine.

Gob · Audience member:What? / He's gone.

Gob · Michael:Murder. - Who died? - My career.

Gob · Narrator:Although he was spectacularly quiet in there. / You can always tell a Milford man.

Gob · Narrator:Although he was spectacularly quiet in there. You can always tell a Milford man.

Gob · News anchor:And don't edit this for your broadcast so it looks like I'm screaming... 'I killed Earl Milford.' / Startling confession, tonight at 11:00.

Earl Milford · Gob · Earl Milford:Don't send me back. They abuse us. It's not pleasant. / Earl, I have to take you back. It's the only way to clear my name. / You'll have a new name: Hero.

Earl Milford · Gob:Hero. / That could work for me.

Earl Milford · Gob:You'll have a new name: Hero. - Hero. - That could work for me.

Gob:He's resting, so... Oh.

Gob:He's resting, so... Oh. Pick a card. Oh, boy.

Gob:I love you all, Marta.

Gob:Wouldn't let me make love to her on Mom's bed. I don't even want to tell you what she wouldn't let me do to her in the car.

Gob:She kept using this guy's name, like, 'Hermano.'

Gob:Let me tell you something. We're gonna track this 'Hermano' down, and we're gonna nail him. 'Cause if anyone's gonna go out with that girl, it's gonna be one of us.

Gob · Michael:She's at the house. She's at the house! You're right. Right about what? She's there, what's going on? Who's with you? If it's Marta, say 'nobody.' Nobody. Well, now I don't know what's going on.

Gob · Michael:Maybe because you've only had sex four times. Four women! Not four times!

Gob:You're a good guy, mon frère. That means brother in French. I don't know why I know that. I took four years of Spanish.

Gob:Oh, yeah. Dozens of times.

Gob:Tell you what, you may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women.

Gob:I don't answer the phone, that doesn't happen.

Gob:And it's all because of you, fratello. That's Italian for brother.

Gob:You'd be a much bigger ball.

Gob:I don't know... weird brother of prime rib.

Gob · Buster:Hermano means brother? Yeah. Well, sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked.

Gob:Well, sounds like someone who you think's name is Tio... is about to get his ass kicked.

Gob:You all right? Where am I? Am I in... two-thirds of a hospital room?

Gob · Michael:If you liked her, I would have said, 'Go for it.' I do kind of like her. Go for it.

Michael · Gob:Well, it's effective. Yeah, it really is.

Gob · Michael:Besides, when was the last time you slept with someone? - Buster.

Gob:You took something I liked. I took something you liked.

Gob:I slept with the ethics teacher. I'm sorry.

Gob:I slept with the ethics teacher. I'm sorry. - What are you talking about? - Lindsay told me that you liked her and I'm not proud of this... but... l... Mrs. Whitehead.

Gob · Michael:You know, that Kitty is starting to sound pretty damn sexy to me. Maybe I oughta... That was Lindsay.

Gob · Buster · Michael:The guy's like the world's biggest chicken. I'm not a chicken. Yeah, he's not a chicken. He just doesn't like confined spaces, that's all. No, it's both.

Gob:Don't listen to him. He'll never stand up to the man. He's a chicken. A chicken.

Buster · Gob:My whole life you've called me a chicken, but that's over now. I have nothing to prove. That is not how a chicken sounds. Chickens don't clap!

Gob:I'm intercepting some telepathic energy... that's telling me it's the eight of diamonds. That's amazingly close. Gee, I got it wrong.

Gob · George Michael:You know, it's a new trick, so I'm still kind of tweaking my nipples... The presentation was great.

Michael · Gob:You might wanna button that shirt up. No, I'm good.

Gob:Michael, I'm a magi... I see what you did.

Gob:If you'll be so kind as to expose your breast, please.

Gob:Don't worry. He's gonna be covered with a blue dot. He approached me.

Gob:None of your damn business. Get the hell out of here. You don't have the magic in you! You never did!

Gob:I sunk it! I sunk the yacht! At least I think I sunk it. I mean, I blew it up, and I don't see it anywhere.

Gob:$900,000 worth of insurance on it. And got rid of the evidence. How about a 'good job'?

Lucille · Michael · Gob · Lindsay:Nana was on that yacht! What? You killed Nana! She's lying! She's been dead for six months. For about six months.

Gob:More than five?

Gob:These are lawyers... that's Latin for 'liar.'

Gob:a major blonde who just majored in marine biology, if you know what I mean.

Gob · Michael:What's wrong with her? / Nothing's wrong with her. / She's blind.

Gob:You've just won the gold medal at the sexual Special Olympics!

Gob · Michael:Well, she was a darer. She's one of those girls who just dares you to do things. - You married her? - I needed a dare!

Gob's wife · Gob:God! Do you ever listen to what I say? I'm sorry I don't memorize every word that comes out of your mouth.

Michael · Gob:Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman. Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping.

Barry · Gob:You can only get an annulment if you haven't consummated the marriage first. - Well, I guess I'll just stay married then... because we all know that I closed that deal, right?

Gob:That's the blind chick you slept with?

Gob:The wife likes me in bright sweaters.

Gob:Just because I like it doesn't mean I have to wear it. I don't wear everything I like.

Gob:'Consummated.' What is up with that 'prosecutie'?

Gob:What is with the insane moral code in this family?

Gob:Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it beith me... thy sweet Lord.

Gob:He feels you've been sucking off this family far too long.

Gob:it's gonna be shape up or ship up.

Gob · Ira:You're asking Gilligan not to lie? Please call me Ira. I don't like Gilligan. Who doesn't like Gilligan?

Gob:Yeah, I don't think she'd go for that. Besides, I talked to Dad. He said it was stupid to get married in the first place. And he's right. He's right. I've gotta get rid of her.

Gob · Michael:Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable. Something about how you can never confront people. You need someone to clean up your messes. See, that's great. And that's just off the top of your head.

Gob:It's like, so far it's been all chain and no ball.

Michael · Gob:Real fun. Okay? Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?

Gob:You told me to hire people to look like my friends. They're Hot Cops. They're entertainers. Although I specifically asked them not to come dressed as cops.

Gob · Michael · Buster:Hey! What the hell happened to the blood? Hey, Brother. Whoa! Somebody put on his lipstick in the car. I love juice!

Gob:She died. She's dead. It was Gilligan! Gilligan killed the skipper... stripper.

Gob:What does it matter? I screwed it up anyway. A complete failure. Can't even fake the death of a stripper.

Gob:I might be a father.

Gob:I might be a father.

Gob's wife · Gob · Michael:I'm in love with your brother. What? You did it again, you son of a bitch! No, no! She's... In-law. Tobias.

Gob · George Sr.:Oh, my god. I killed Michael. Yeah, but on the plus side, you got punched in the face.

Gob · Tobias:People love to carbo-load. - The bagel place. - There you go.

Gob:Have you seen the agricultural report? Nothing's hotter than coffee, so... the trend is up.

Gob · Tobias:Gobias Industries. - Go bias. - As in, 'Go buy us some coffee.'

Gob:He went around you, around the board... He steamrolled Gobias.

Gob:YEAH, WELL, IF YOU GIVE SOMEONE PERMISSION TO USE A TISSUE, YOU CAN'T BE UPSET IF THEY BLOW THEIR NOSE.

George Michael · Gob:LIKE, UH, WERE-WERE YOU EVER AWKWARD AROUND GIRLS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LIKE IF THERE WERE THREE OF US AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO START?

GOB:HOW MANY MICE WILL $13 BUY?

Gob · George Michael:SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT AMERICA... 13 BUCKS STILLS GETS YOU A HELL OF A LOT OF MICE. WHO SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT AMERICA?

Gob · George Michael · Store Customers:MICE! MICE! CALL SECURITY!

Lindsay · Gob:I WASN'T SHOPLIFTING, YOU TWIT. YES, THANKS TO ME. NO. I WORK HERE. AT LEAST I USED TO.

GOB · Tobias:THERE'S ONLY ONE MAGICIAN IN THIS FAMILY AND THAT IS ME. AND YOU GOT CAUGHT BY A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

Gob:I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU COULDN'T PULL IT OFF. THERE'S ONLY ONE MAGICIAN IN THIS FAMILY AND THAT IS ME. AND YOU GOT CAUGHT BY A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

Michael · Gob:Bees? Beads. Beads?

Gob:Z-z-z-z-z! Bz-z-z-z-z-z! We'll see who brings in more honey.

Gob:And now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again.

Gob:What about macaroni... let me finish... salad?

Gob:This is a side of you I'd never noticed before. Have they always been that big?

Gob:Zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the first born. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

Gob:I've made a huge mistake.

Gob:Old bear! He likes the honey!

Gob:I've never admitted to a mistake. What would I have made a mistake about?

Gob:For the same reason you should believe that a hundred dollar bill is no more than a hundred pennies.

Gob:It's a gaming ship.

Gob · Employee:Star two. At the same time? No, just the star, in the corner. Star... So if I do this like that... No, turn your hand the other way. Oh, that star.

Gob:Hey, we want this comped!

Gob · Michael:Paper covers rock. - It is a rock though. It should beat everything.

Gob:There's not a lot of logic to it. It's like on a boat with 'Women and children first.' Why should they-which, before I forget, I'm buying a company boat.

Gob · Narrator:Oh, I'll make you a firm offer. Unfortunately, she wasn't flirting.

Narrator · Gob · George Sr.:Gob was hurt. - Bye, Pop. Oh, for God's- I called to talk to Michael, you horse's-

Gob:Portugal. Down South America way.

Gob:I said, 'That's why you're no longer president.' Two weeks. Let's do it in two weeks. Hey!

Gob:Solid as a rock. Meet Starla, the new Bluth Company business model... for our phase two campaign.

Starla · Gob:Where's your 'P'? What? Oh, no, not again. I got it.

Gob:Hmm? L- the business model. Actually, they just made out. Yeah, she had all kinds of orgasms.

Gob:I just wanted you to be impressed with me. Dad never was. Never said a nice thing about me.

Gob:A house truly solid as a rock.

Michael · Gob:Did I hang up? I meant to hit speaker. Oh. You gotta hit the line first. I'm hitting both at the same time.

Gob:Hello? They hung up.

Gob:What have you got there? 'Don't be afraid to make a mi-' I'm not gonna beat myself up over that.

Gob:And I'm not afraid to make mistakes. Or have you forgotten this little- Damn it!

Gob:My legs are so powerful.

Gob · Michael:'Circumvrent' union penalties. 'Circumverate.' Circumvent. Circumvent. Means to go around. The old reach around.

Gob · Michael:Isn't he a little old for that? No. Sorry. I've been looking to get some alone time with him, and it just hasn't seemed to work out lately.

Gob:I've got friends, Michael. I just don't talk to them because... I work all the time.

Gob:I think the plant lady's wearing a thong.

Gob:I think I might have someone who's going to 'cirsumvrent' the law.

Michael · Gob · Narrator:Chiclet? Chiclet? You're the Chiclet! Not me! Unfortunately, in Mexican culture... this was a much more inflammatory gesture.

Gob · Lindsay · Gob:He's my friend. You don't have any friends. I have lots of friends, Lindsay.

Narrator · Gob:In fact, the man was Ice, a bounty hunter... that Gob hired to follow Michael. Ice may be my best friend.

Gob · Michael:That's his girlfriend? Yeah. Is she funny or something?

Gob:Yeah, that's right, Michael. I went to our mother because I don't have any friends.

Michael · Gob:His name's Gary, and we don't need any more lawsuits. No, I was talking about the magazine- Wait. Gary's gay?

Gob:You've got a nice mouth. I'd kill for that ass.

Gob:Okay, the chair's not doing it now... but lately it's been giving out as soon as I lean back.

Gob:I was gonna boil myself alive into a chowder and then be ladled into a giant cauldron... to entertain and feed the firemen.

Gob:And I'm halfway to getting out of this office and into a steaming bowl of soup.

Gob · Michael:I will be buried in my father's place... and then, one week later, I will emerge from the grave... in one of the greatest illusions ever! This about getting into Poof? I mean, how does that not get me a cover?

Gob · Buster:Black humor. Say, 'Hey, Dad, look at you. You're... a year older... and a year closer to death.' Oh, yeah, I guess that's kinda funny.

Gob · Buster:Oh, yeah. I used to be a stripper. Strippers don't wear clothes. Not at the end of the show. You can wear stripper clothes when you're not stripping? You tell me.

Gob:From who, the Nazis?

Gob:I tried it with Mom's, but I'd just end up smiling and ruining it.

Gob:Glad Dad wasn't around to see that.

Gob:Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.

Gob:Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.

Gob:Except his shoes don't fit. But, I did finally got into Dad's pants. Although I had to have the crotch taken out a little bit.

Gob:Worse that can happen is I can spill some on my $3,000 suit. Come on!

George Michael · Michael · Gob:It's Ann. / It's good. Have fun. Boy's pulling away from you. Are we having yams?

Gob:That means she's not getting any from my brother Oscar.

Gob:I just don't want people's kids getting their sticky little fingers all over these 26,000 dollar pants.

Gob:So, should-should... should, uh, should... Should-should... Sh-sh-sh... Should-Should... should, uh, should...

Gob:Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of interoffice (bleep)ing or (bleep)ing of finger (bleep) or (bleep)sting or (bleep)ing or even (bleep). Even though so many so many people in this office are begging for it.

Gob:I'll take off my pants, I'll shave my (bleep). And I'll personally (bleep)...

Gob:Everybody dance now!

Gob:Seven grand-- you better believe I love them. I mean, look... look what you're wearing. You look like crap.

Gob:(bleep) you, Tom.

Gob:No, you know what, you're fired. No, you're all fired. Each and every one of you. Merry Christmas.

Gob:The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is going to tell the guy in the 36...hundred dollar suit how to run the business. Come on.

Gob:Sure-sure, the guy in the $600 banana suit. Come on!

Gob:They're laughing with me, Michael. They're laughing with me.

Gob:We know what we're doing. We don't need any help from him. [Clatters] Damn it. This thing got pushed in again.

Lucille · Gob:That hairless freak is coming here? None of his hair is real, you know. You mean the guy we're meeting with can't even grow his own hair? Come on!

Gob · Sitwell:One of this guy's eyebrows fell in the candy beans. I always carry a spare. Well, I hope you also carry a spare bowl of candy beans.

Gob:I'm sorry. I must've put it on too high.

Sitwell · Gob:You got gumption. You speak your mind. That means you're good enough to work for me. [Bleeps] you. And I accepted.

Gob:It's ready, Mike. They're only gonna hold it for 24 hours.

Gob:Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.

Gob:You'd be amazed how fast they come out when you read them all in a row. 'Thirty-one, bamboo floor upgrades. Cheaper, stronger.' I can't read this word. 'Thirty-two, wireless 'crapability.''

Gob:Listen to me. Brand new cars don't get waxed!

George Sr. · Gob · Michael:Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron. Dad? He made the call. You're out. What are you doing? Shush, shush, shush. Dad?

Gob:[Whistling Through Teeth] I miss him so much.

Gob:I call it Single City... I call it Swing City

Gob:But check your lease, man, because you're livin' in [pause] City.

Gob:I took his dress eyebrows.

Gob:especially when he goes to the opera with two mustaches on his forehead.

Gob:Michael, I was never on Card Sharks. Dad told us not to tell you.

Gob:I think I proved that with [blank] Mountain.

Gob:Did you want me to stay and do that?

Michael · Gob:- You're wearing his eyebrows? - They make me feel dressier.

Gob:My mom really took up a bunch of your space, huh? What a bitch.

Gob:My mom really took up a bunch of your space, huh? What a bitch.

Gob:Oh, I meant my problems. Yeah, she's gonna make me the new president.

Gob:HEY, GEORGE MICHAEL. JESUS CALLED. HE WANTS YOUR THRILLER ALBUM.

Gob:IT'S LIGHTER FLUID. DIDN'T PUT IN A NEW FLINT.

Gob:SMOOTH, MICHAEL, LIKE HER FATHER'S HEAD, CHEST, ARMS, LEGS AND ASS.

Gob:I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA HAVE LUNCH WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Gob:PROBABLY FORGOT HER OLD LADY GLASSES.

Gob:CAR TROUBLES?

Gob · Lucille:$10,000. OH, HOW GRAND.

Gob:I'm playing the part of the gigolo so that she'll keep the company afloat.

Gob · Lindsay:Hey, I'm— [bleep] Lucille 2. Oh. I could do something like that.

Gob:In her robe and slippies? Getting into her head.

Buster · Gob:These kind of skills? Not really.

Gob:But we lost her. Everyone put on white robes and outsmarted us.

Jack · Gob:How'd you like to take a nap, baldy? I'll handle this.

Gob · Tobias:She's not with him. She's with the Bullet. Oh, thank God.

Gob:Look at this delicious piece of irony. I'm being sued for divorce.

Gob:She was a seal dealer. She raised and sold seals to aquariums and marine parks

Gob:There's a reason you don't typically see live seals in a magic show. - So with a simple wave of my- - [Barking]

Gob:Bad example- if her name's Amy, I'll call her Blamy.

Michael · Barry · Gob:Actually, she died. - You're kidding. I've been taking credit for that for years. - Credit?

Gob:You know what I do, Mike? Check their urine. Make 'em pee in a cup, and pee in a cup right in front of me.

Gob:Oh, my God! What-What happened to your- He's got no hand!

Gob:You're back in the real world. You're not gonna be hand-fed anymore.

Lucille · Gob · Buster:How the hell would a seal know how to tie a bow tie anyway? - I can barely tie the yellow one that I wear in my act. - This one had a yellow bow tie!

Gob:I'm lookin' for the seal that's got the taste for kitty blood.

Gob:God! It's like herding cats.

Gob · Maeby:Uncle Gob? Maeby?

Gob · Maeby:Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving... but why don't you just tell him the truth? I mean, he'll respect you for it. - Thanks, Maeby. - Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.

Gob:I like to look in the mirror.

Michael · Gob:Or we could make sure it's the right seal first? - I mean, why get his hopes up? - Yeah, that's better.

Michael · Buster · Gob:Monster! - Hey, Brothers. - Bonster!

Gob:There's not enough room for you and me and the stump and the thing- stuff.

Gob · Barry:What were you doin' there? - Wow. You should be the lawyer.

Gob:You lost a lot of weight in Iraq, especially up in the northern region.

Judge · Gob:There's no way to tell who this man is. - That's me, Your Honor. I- [Bleeps] my wife.

Gob:Did he take the good video camera with him?

Gob:I'm calling it Tricks... let me finish-- Around the Office.

Gob:That one gets pregnant, it stays pregnant. Believe me, I dated a chick like that once in high school. No, I didn't.

Gob:Sometimes it's as simple as turning 10:45 in the morning into... lunch time!

Gob · Michael:Well, you kind of have to, guy. I'm the president. No, no. I'm the president.

Gob · Security:Pound is tic-tac-toe, right? Yeah, pound is this one here.

Gob:We hand out rubbers that say, 'We salute George Michael.'

Michael · Gob:2%, huh? Is that how little I lost by? Lost by? It was close. That's all you got.

Gob:This kid's popular? Looks like a chick I did once in high school.

Lindsay · Gob:Ancient Chinese Secret, huh? [Both] Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?

Gob:Yeah, I need a tea to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick, want slow. Wait, that's Indian. Tea for dong.

Gob · Shop Owner:Sweet blade. It's the Sword of Destiny. It's full of ancient magic. Oh, yeah? You into magic?

Gob:Still, where'd the lighter fluid come from?

Michael · Gob:Bleeding? Nope. Yeah, that's blood.

Gob:Michael, if I make this comeback... I'll buy you 100 George Michaels you can teach to drive!

Michael · Gob:You're losing blood, aren't you? Probably. My socks are wet. Sorry. You'll be sorry! Wait, that doesn't work after his line.

Gob · Tony Wonder:I grant him magic sanctuary. That's fine. I second the sanctuary. But with a clause of silence.

Gob:He cut off my- [Bleeps] fingers! I'm not kidding! He cut off my- [Bleeps] fingers!

Buster · Gob:Handle first. Handle first. [Screams] Oh, my fingers!

Gob · Frank:My middle finger and index finger are- Switched for the first time ever. Nice job, Frank. Amazing.

George Sr. · Franklin · Gob:Put the ether on the puppet's lips. Have the puppet kiss her. I ain't kissin' that old bitch. That's my wife, you bastard!

Gob:I'm calling it Tricks- Let me finish- around the Office.

Gob:Is that Qusay Hussein at the omelet bar?

Gob:Worth every penny.

Gob:If that one gets pregnant, it stays pregnant.

Gob:Believe me. I dated a chick like that once in high school. No, I didn't.

Gob:What's this? A stuffy office meeting? Well, maybe it's time for a little... Office Magic.

Gob:Sometimes it's as simple as turning 10:45 in the morning into lunchtime!

Gob:Why does lunch have to be so dull? Maybe you'd prefer some chicken instead!

Gob:No. You lost the presidency, just like you did in high school when you refused to play dirty.

Gob:Pound is tic-tac-toe, right?

Gob:No. I fired him. As a result, I'm no longer welcome in the office.

Gob:I want you to be strong, and you don't need the comfort of an immigrant in Mother's old stirrup pants to make you feel that way.

Gob:Wow. It won't be easy to win a race against myself.

Gob:Of course, if anyone can do it, I can.

Gob:We hand out rubbers that say, 'We salute George Michael.'

Gob:Two percent, huh? Is that how little I lost by?

Gob:Go home, you terrorist!

Gob:Sure you didn't make that video in a cave?

Gob:This kid's popular? Looks like a chick I did once in high school.

Franklin · Gob:It ain't easy bein' white / It ain't easy bein' brown / All this pressure to be bright / I got childrens all over town

Gob · Michael:Crying like a couple of girls. Aw, you're the only one crying.

Gob · George Sr.:[Imitating George Sr.] I cherish you, Gob. Come here and give me a kiss. I'm driving, Dad. [As George Sr.] Now!

Gob:It's not even open. Michael!

Gob:Right between the gearbox and the 'pull back from aircraft' lever.

Gob · Michael:And guess what else? Dad kissed me. How? He looked pretty unconscious in that picture. I didn't say he was totally into it.

Gob:But he got free- the pipes I chained him to weren't connected to anything.

Gob:First, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you, then I'm gonna call an ambulance. Then knowing you, I'm gonna have to wait for some kind of an apology.

Gob:Well, I didn't lose him. But he's all puckered and white. On the plus side, you can take him to lunch at the club now.

Gob:Mine's sadder.

Gob · Michael:Gob and Michael compete over who had the sadder childhood regarding the cabin

Gob:You taste these tears. Taste my sadness.

Gob:But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods and then not take him.

Gob:Gob's convoluted logic about what he'll do with his hypothetical son regarding cabin trips

Gob:Taste the happy, Michael. Taste it.

Gob:Yeah, like I'd ever hear from that son of a bitch.

Gob:I've made a huge tiny mistake.

Gob:A 'protest-acular.'

Gob:I'm thinking about calling it 'Free...' I don't know. 'Chicken.'

Gob:I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No. It's the opposite. It's like my heart is getting hard.

Steve Holt · Gob:Is that a chicken? Oh, my God. Dad, are you all right? I fooled his own son. I am a leading man.

Gob:Oh, lunch? Well, better bring some dog food. 'Cause all the girls you date are dogs, and... Dogs love dog food, right, Pop?

Gob:I was trying to make you laugh, Dad. That's all I ever wanted.

Gob · George Sr.:Steve Holt's not my son. / Steve Holt? With the moron jock? That's my son, you pothead.

Gob · Gob:At the kennel. / Right. Sorry. You lobbed that one right over the plate, Michael. Home run.

Gob:You know, we need some weather balloons for this party and maybe a tank of hydrogen. You know, really float those suckers.

Gob:They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.

Gob:They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.

Lindsay · Gob:Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie. Those are illegal. / Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.

Steve Holt · Gob · Gob:I've made a huge mistake. / I know the feeling. I had you. / I'm your father, Steve Holt! I can't hide from it anymore.

Steve Holt · Gob:I won't forget this... Dad. / I will.

Gob:I heard the jury's still out on science.

Gob:Come on. I lie to yours all the time.

Gob:Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl or a geologist.

Gob:So I step in and, uh, lay her crown upon my sweet head.

Gob:So this is how Michael gets rid of my son? By stealing him? Well, I'll just have to steal something of his. Like, say, his bicycle. As a... placeholder.

Michael · Gob:- Hey, what happened to you? - Oh, I got highlights. - It'll blend in about a week.

Gob:It probably has something to do with the 4,000 hair plugs I had in one sitting.

Gob:Yeah, but he's too busy going to the gym to see his friend Frank. Oh, we're more than friends. I'm kind of his spotter. Missed a spot.

Gob · Frank:- You're blowing my mind, Frank. - I'm an agent, and I'd like to work with you. Oh. Oh!

Michael · Gob · Narrator:- You know, she was in the Olympics? - She wasn't. - Wasn't she on the cover of Newsweek? - No. - Yes. - Michael was thinking of this man.

Michael · Gob:The whole backside has moles. That's Frank's problem too.

Lucille · Gob:- Typical. - Delicious.

Lucille · Gob:- I need a drink. - I'll take an English muffin.

Gob · Lucille:And Godzilla! - Godzirra! - Just sit down. - Okay, guys. - Godzirra!

Gob:Build a miniature city. Put it outside their window. Tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters.

George Sr. · Gob · Narrator:- Another brilliant idea, Einstein. - Really? - Larry really never knows how to sell the sarcasm.

Gob:We're like a couple of girls on the last day of camp.

Tobias · Gob:- I'm a mole! - Not the village!

Tobias · Gob:- You're blowing my audition! - I ache with embarrassment.

Gob:It took some idiot parrot man with a camera in his hat to bring us together.

Gob · Michael:You want me to do a magic show at the wedding. I'm on it. / So glad we pushed through that. / No magic.

Multiple voices · Gob:Put her out! Put her out! / Tracy! / Thank God we already did the pictures.

Gob:I am going to get you the single healthiest call girl that this town has ever seen.

Gob:Oh, I'm not going to spend this kind of money and not watch.

Gob · Rita:King... takes his queen... and showers her with diamonds! / Clubs. / Club sauce. / He covers her with club sauce.

Gob:I don't appreciate the dry British humor.

Gob · Rita · Narrator:How long can you hold your breath? / Oh, long. One time, 20 minutes. / Actually, her record was 20 seconds.

Gob:Now, I just need to find a trick that puts you out of oxygen for 20 minutes.

Gob · Michael:What if I find a trick that has her float to the alter or something? / No, no. Love for her to walk. And not to drown. / Or fly through the air. Or catch on fire.

Gob · Michael:Is she allergic to cat fur? / Oop-- no tigers.

Lucille · Larry · Gob:Show them the waffle bar, Larry. / It's over there. / And check out banner, Michael!

Michael · Gob:Hang on a sec. That's part of your trick, right? / No. / That's not my trick, Michael. / It's my illusion.

Tobias · Gob:Oh! Oh! This is going hurt! / You know what? We're going to need this from another angle.

Gob:The guy runs a prison, he can have any piece of ass he wants.

Narrator · Gob:But, thankfully, he'd found a way to forget that. / I've got a thing of pills in my pocket.

Gob · Michael:It's not a Jamba Juice, Michael. / Shouldn't be that hard to break into.

Gob:It's a jetpack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?

Gob · Narrator:Drew a map of it on my stomach. It's upside down, so it might be a little awkward. / It was awkward.

Gob · Narrator:Sounds like a tennis match between Steffi Graf and Happy Days star Donny Host. / It's Most.

Gob:No, not that candy ball machine.

Gob:When Toby first came into the family, none of us much wanted him around. But that's because we couldn't see what was on the inside. But lately, that's all we've been able to see.

Gob:No! Not here! Wait. I've seen this before. Oh, God, I've seen this before!

Gob:Okay, you can turn the music off. I already shot my wad. Off. No, that's tape.

Gob:I have got a quick way for us to literally be showered with money.

Michael · Gob:I think they're called Colombians. Oh, I forgot, we're being politically correct now.

Gob:A Colombian cartel that won't kidnap and kill you. I underlined 'won't,' 'cause it makes the competition look like...

Gob · George Sr.:It's not stupid. You're stupid. Nice pout, Dad.

Gob:If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I would leap across this table

Gob:That's how Tony Wonder lost a nut.

Gob:And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and (bleep) me.

Gob · Michael:If you feel something moving down there, it's just the bird. I know it.

Gob:You're just scared of a little competish.

Gob:Don't tell them! Stick it in the what?!

Gob:Don't worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas.

Gob · George Sr.:Gob Bluth doesn't cave. Yeah, you just did for me. Well, you asked me to, so I thought... Go. Go. Go. It's fine.

Lindsay · Gob · Lucille · Tobias:The boy who couldn't cry. He's a robot! Michael can cry. He doesn't want to rust. Yes, he's like the steel man from The Wizard From Oz. Tin man? Is that what he's called? He knows.

Michael · Gob · Lucille:As what, a waiter? Can I get you something, madam? I will have a vodka, though. What? Oh.

Gob:Instead of us all selling out and becoming housewives and waiters, why don't we have a big event? Some sort of 'save our Bluths' type thing.

Gob · Lucille · Narrator:Your drink, madam. Can I get you anything? Get that one out of here. As you please. But Lucille had never made eye contact with a waiter.

Gob · Narrator:We're all out of the halibut. The joke was over... but the lunch rush was just beginning.

Gob:Then-- would you like some foam in your coffee? It's called a cuppakeno and wait till you see what it costs.

Gob · Customer:If you didn't have adult onset diabetes, I wouldn't mind giving you a little sugar. Oh, Gob... you could charm the black off a telegram boy.

Gob · Lucille:And maybe later you can save a little piece of tail for me. Come on! I hope that isn't the sort of humor Andy McMahon will be doing.

Buster · Lucille · Gob:She glued my thumb back on. Sister's my new mother, Mother. And is it just me, or is she looking hotter, too? Well, why don't you marry her? Maybe I will!

Gob · Narrator · Buster:Wait, no, no! Where's everyone going? No one's leaving until I get my money! I'll follow you to your cars! Oh, and then that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. My thumb!

Gob:He is re-dyed, rested and ready to work.

Gob · Franklin · Gob:Franklin, guess what? / But I don't know anything. / He certainly hasn't heard anything from me.

Gob · Michael:Whoa. I did not say that. / You did, Gob. Your mouth moved. Your hand didn't.

Gob · Gob:I could use this in my ventriloquism act. / They have a bar here?

Magazine ad · Gob · Magazine ad · Gob · Magazine ad · Gob · Magazine ad · Gob · Magazine ad · Gob:My name is Judge. / Whose name is Judge? / My name is. / Okay. / That's a silly name. / Judge my name. / Yes, I am judging your name. It am silly. / Is. / Please stop. / Now you're correcting my grammar?

Magazine ad · Gob:Judge. / He's right, his name is Judge now.

Gob · medical tape:Patient presented with gastric bacterial infection coupled with peptic ulcers. Tetracycline should not be administered due to allergies.

Gob:Wow. Sounds like you could use some tricycling.

Gob · Michael:You were gonna say 'mockery,' weren't you? / I was in trouble, like, three words into that.

Gob:I mean, if someone was always asking you to embrace the Holy Trinity, what would you think they meant?

Gob:Sister? Uh... No, I don't. Not really... ringing any bells. Other than Lindsay, of course. Oh! Lindsay!

Gob:No, I think that's going to be something big.

Gob:Gob plans to go to Iraq for a 'USO tour' doing Christian magic

Gob · Lindsay:It's 'water into wine.' Then I emptied out all your wine bottles and filled them with fake stuff for nothing.

Gob:The King of Queens. And now I would like to behold one of the late great Jesus' biggest illusions, The Burning Bush.

Gob:Burn Bush, burn Bush, burn Bush, burn Bush...

Gob:And direct flights. None of this stopping in Phoenix bull ( bleep ).

Gob:Might wanna start worrying about the table.

Gob · Lindsay:as she does of getting attacked by a shark. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were going to say seal.

Gob:Yeah, well, somebody's drawing a little one on those checks. No big deal.

Gob · Michael · Gob:You give a man a fish, he'll eat for a night. - If you teach a man to fish... - He'll wanna use your yacht.

Gob · Narrator:What? I thought that's what all you guys lived for. While Gob debased everything they believed in.

Gob:Thanks for coming so late, Maria, I know that you won't be cleaning up tomorrow, and we did make quite a mess of that bedroom.

Gob:Well, I wasn't hoping to help. I was hoping to rub it in because of all the unpleasantness.

Gob · Michael:Bad example: if you were ashamed of being in love with a man, suddenly discovered these new feelings, then I might say something like, 'Homo much?' It's not that. I said 'Bad example.'

Narrator · Gob:It's almost as if he found a way to simulate amnesia. Hey, I'm down to my last Forget-Me-Now.

Gob:♪ It's so easy to forget... ♪ ♪ It's so easy to forget. ♪ Stupid, forgetful Michael.

Michael · Gob:Even a waiter? Okay, the treadmill's up and running.

Gob · George Sr.:I'm not a limo driver. I'm a gentleman honey farmer. The only thing I've got back there are my bees. Beans? No, bees! Bees? Bees! Bees! Oh, bees!

Gob:Colony collapse disorder. The guy sold me just really sick bees.

Gob:Don't worry. Dad, they're going to hive. They always hive.

Michael · Gob:Actually that was a memorial to the death of Pete the mailman. I knew that.

Gob:If I were Muslim, would you say 'Muslim magic act'?

Gob:Yeah, well, the Christians aren't so (bleep)-hot about it either.

Gob:Way to plant, Ann

Gob:as surely as there's a mouse behind your ear

Gob · Narrator:Okay, you are like the only person I know who doesn't just love magic. A poll would confirm she was far from alone

Gob:Who am I gonna hit on, stupid? My sister? Lindsay? Don't be stupid. She's my sister, that's gross

Gob:These were mice... For 'rabbit to mice.' No, that can't be done.

Gob:No, these were part of a something I called 'Mice-a-laneous.' 'Mouse in purse.' 'Mouse in drink.' 'Here's a mouse, now it's gone.'

Gob:Look at you, full of 'yes.' Look at how much 'yes' is in you! I knew it! I knew I'd get that 'yes' from you

Gob:My life is a fallacy. ♪ It's just a fallacy ♪

Gob:Well, I could wait till after

Gob:Should the guy in the... In the $32... In the $32 pink... Bath... Should the girl in the $6,000 tuxedo...

Gob:Well, marry me

Gob:Well, marry me.

Gob:I've made a huge mistake

Gob · Ann:Oh, hey, mouth. I didn't see you sitting there. We rode up in the elevator together. I'm blanking

Gob:Yeah, me and Blank are getting the old Christian magic act back together

Gob:That once your eyes have beholden it, you will put no God before me, because of its spectacularity.

Gob:Ann. And God. Love for and God

Michael · Gob:Jesus Christ! Sorry. Wasn't on there too good

Michael · Gob:Yeah, what's the illusion? That you actually love the bride? Hey, that's good patter

Michael · Gob:I have a bee company. You stole my idea? Uh-huh, I did not steal your... We sell... It would take hours

Gob:My bees are dropping like flies, and I need them to fly like bees

Gob:Meanwhile, I'm working out like crazy, my diet has become insane, and this Jesus character... I mean, he was shredded.

Gob:Lets herself go. Her stomach's out to here

Gob:Well, hopefully I haven't

Gob · Tobias:Thanks for coming. How could I not? I'm playing Roman Centurion Number Two.

Gob:If what Jesus did was a trick. I say it wasn't. It was an illusion

Gob:Ooh! They did not like that one

Gob:I am the Amazing Jesus!

Gob · Pastor Veal:Pastor Veal, let me remind you that you are in a church in front of your daughter, your congregation, God. You cannot tell a lie. Right, nothing out of the ordinary? No, I didn't see anything. Yes

Gob:No, I said don't underline the 'you' in that

Gob:I plan on beating his record by two full weeks!

Gob:Now we have our nest, Egg... Ann. Now we have our nest, Ann

Gob:let the son of Gob enfold me

Gob · Steve:Maybe I'm being tested like that guy 'Jawb' from the Bible. Job. Yes? Job. Yes, sir. Job. Yeah

Steve · Gob · Narrator:I have a brother? Oh, man. Yes, Steve. Yeah. What's his name? Dave. Oh! Dave Holt. Yeah, Dave Holt. Yes. Yes, Gob had been speaking to his son for an hour and a half

Steve · Gob:You have another son? I have a brother? Oh, man. Yes, Steve. Yeah. What's his name? Dave.

Gob · Steve:Wait, your mom's name is Eve? Yeah. God, I a chick named Eve once. Biggest mistake of my life

Gob:No, this is the greatest day of my life

Woman · Gob:Cherry. I have lupus. Could have warned a guy

Gob · Mark Cherry:A trick is something a whore does for... Do a trick and I'll pay for your bar tab. Who wants a trick?

Gob · Narrator:I won't forget this. Hey, remember me? And soon Gob found himself experiencing what, on the street, is referred to as a roofie circle

Gob:Fun night. A fun night. Fun night

Gob:I have no one in my life who cares for me

Gob:'T.' Tony Wonder

Lindsay · Buster · Gob:Gentlemen, start your engines. No, Gob. Oh!

Gob:there are no schools or libraries or Internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.

Gob:I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm dating someone famous. someone... famous.

Gob:That was an a...?

Gob:And then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years.

Gob:I've met someone. Can't really give you any information-- kind of famousy.

Gob · Michael:Is it Julie Bowen? / No, it's not. / Is yours Julie Bowen?

Gob · Michael:I want to hear you say the words 'I'm not seeing Julie Bowen.' / I have not seen Julie Bowen. / Well, that's a funny way to phrase it.

Gob:No, they don't.

Gob:I'm not talking about selling these mausoleums. I mean destroying Tony Wonder.

Gob:I need you to act as my boyfriend to help me get in.

Michael · Gob:I am your brother. / You sound like my son.

Gob:Well, technically gay night at a magic club.

Gob:and then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years.

Gob:that wasn't for revenge, that was just on spec.

Steve Holt · Gob:Jesus. / No, that would be a 'J.' This is a 'T.'

Gob:He got the last laugh, which, in this case, happened to be the first laugh.

Gob:Listen, if you insist on speaking to me like you're my wife, then don't be surprised to find my [bleep] in you and then you never hear from me again.

Gob:I should have my attorney Bob Loblaw look at this.

Gob:Do I seem like a clown to you? / I got it. / Do I seem like some kind of a clown to you?

Gob:No, the Gothicassle. Yes, the Gothic Castle. / No, I didn't say the Gothicassle.

Store Employee · Gob:I think you look amazing. / I'll take it. / Great. / No, no. The compliment, not the shirt.

Gob:I do know that your daddy wants you to get your hot, little, tight, little, hot ass right up there right away to see him.

Gob:and I just needed a believable arm candy bean.

Gob:And don't make that face; you look homophobic.

George Michael · Gob:You're giving me these craz... / Mad? / N...

Gob · Onlooker:Bit my tongue, that little bitch. / Oh, no, he didn't. / They're always doing that. / I mean, oh, no, he didn't.

Gob:I never want to sleep with you again. / I mean, I probably will. I don't. / But are we good?

Gob:Who's the dumbwaiter now?

Gob:You should have seen me when they took me out of the storage locker.

Tony Wonder · Gob:I even shaved them. Want to feel? / Wow, they are smooth. / Like a lady's. / I think.

Gob:Don't call me girl, friend.

Gob:That was all cheese, but no mustard.

Gob:Who wants to help me build a wall to keep Mexicans out of America? [bleep] / All right, all right! Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason? It's a different wall.

Gob · Tony Wonder:Would you get off my [bleep], Mother! / Well, if I wasn't sure you were gay, I am now.

Gob · Siri:I'm going to need the gayest. / Did you say the 'grayest'? / I need the, uh, gayest one. / Did you say the 'grayest'?

Gob:First of all, that's very dated of you, Michael. 'He's' don't like to be called 'she's'

Michael · Gob:It said 'Love each other' on the foot band. / Yeah, that does sound like one of mine.

Gob · Commercial:This gay bar would be the best...! / ...something that can fillet a chicken and subdue an intruder.

Gob:With sex offenders.

Gob · Tony Wonder:It's, like, God... you get me. Well, you're an easy guy to get.

Gob · Tony Wonder:Same! I was gonna say it. Same! I was thinking the same. That's so weird! ...same. ...same. Crazy! ...zy!

Gob:It almost went down my throat.

Gob:I would definitely stay and have gay sex with... or normal sex with you, but...

Gob:I have... feelings for you.

Ann · Gob:Oui. / What? We what? / No, oui. It's French for 'yes.'

Gob:We're going to destroy Tony's career by proving that he's straight when he has sex with you while you're wearing... this Gob mask.

Gob:It's a straight bait.

Gob:Stupid, forgetful Michael.

George Michael · Gob:That was literally the first thing I asked you. So you're giving me these crazy... Mad?

Gob:I happened to remember how much you love bologna.

Gob:Can't lie to you, George Michael, it's a forget-me-now.

Gob:Take a pill to forget your problems. Take a pill to go to sleep. And take a pill to forget your problems. Need an erection, take a pill. Need to forget your problems, take a pill. Take a pill and your problems are forgotten. Just take a pill.

Gob:Ninja please.

Gob:Well, I figured who better than the Chinese to build a wall. But, no, I couldn't afford them, so I... I hired, um, they're technically Mongols, I guess.

Gob:A horde. That's the minimum. They don't come in anything less than a horde.

Gob:they're gonna have a major Mongolian beef with us

Gob:What do you call it? Um... What do you call it? Brains. Long-term brains.

Gob:Here? I'm just getting some boner pills... and this guys says I don't need them. He knows from boner...

George Sr. · Gob:Mexico won't be able to walk for a week. Two full weeks!

George Sr. · Gob:Mexico won't be able to walk for a week. Two full weeks!

GOB:Well, that's not the horniest thing I've heard. Daddy not horny.

GOB:I tried to buy those velvet pants. But I chickened out and got these shirts instead.

GOB:He had a face like mine... but same.

GOB:Hello, darkness. Sorry, I'm taken.

George Sr. · GOB:My God. Must be nice to be wanted, even if it's just your mom. Oh, cry me a blizzard, snowflake.

Lucille · GOB:Family of the Month. Year?! Are you for... Mother Family of the Mother Year! Of the year.

GOB:which is just tits, teeth and ass, right? Now she's the host of O.C. Can You Say, which is tits, teeth, public affairs, ass, some light interviews. I mean, it's so much more responsibility!

GOB:She's my Beard now.

GOB · Michael:Well, technically, it's from the Bluth-Austero Company. Oh, I see. So you're giving it to yourself.

GOB:They're like two geodes! You can feel them. I can't. My go-to joke is that these are the best two things John Beard's money can buy.

GOB:When I was a kid, you said, 'You want a trophy? Try harder, G.O.B.' But I was like, 'But you gave one to everybody else. What happened to everybody gets a trophy?'

GOB:And you're gonna be surprised to hear this coming from me... May be a little bit too hard.

George Sr. · GOB:Everyone gets a trophy. Count me out. Fine. Everyone but G.O.B. No!

Michael · GOB:That's it, I'm out of here! Okay, I get it. Is that supposed to be me? No, that's my impression of Tobias doing you.

GOB:Uh... oh, God, well, you caught us. Didn't think anybody would be getting on while we were getting off.

GOB · Michael:It used to be a 2 Hour Teeth, the whole place. Yeah, I remember the screams. I guess it was the 90 Minute Tooth guys across the street that put the 2 Hour guys out of business.

GOB:I did see that the old Blockbuster is becoming an 'Hour Mouth,' so those guys gotta be shitting themselves.

Michael · GOB:Boy, what's a bike tire doing on the roof of the Rite Aid? Yeah, that's the $14,000 a month question, isn't it?

GOB · Adhir:Or as I like to call him, Chief Worrywart. / It's 'compliance officer.'

GOB:That's it, go to your office, Adhir. He's the chief compliant officer, so he has to do whatever I comply.

GOB:I will get a trophy for Dad, for... something. Figure that out later.

Michael · GOB:Then why did you move into your son's dorm room? That was a year, okay? And not even a full year, because I got there at Thanksgiving.

GOB:So the guy was like, 'Are you shitting me?' That's usually the sign that you've made yourself a great deal.

GOB:No, he didn't even have keys to the back room. Also, the heat doesn't turn off.

Gob:are we talking about reality or, uh, scripted, as well, because I've got...

Gob:First, you eat it with Buster, then you step in it with the movie, and now you're eating what you stepped in, because Kitty hates you.

Gob:Guess Michael's the geo-bead today.

Gob · Michael:'Geo-bead' confusion and George Sr.'s made-up expression

Gob:Yeah, it's one of Dad's expressions... When somebody screws up, Dad said it. One of his 'you'll figure it out someday' expressions.

Gob:Yes, of course, Marky Bark. From the cuckolding.

Gob · Narrator:Who were you dating? Julie Bowen! Actually, it was Tony Wonder

Michael · Gob:The only mother figure he's ever had in his life was... Oh, it was Mom. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Huh, poor kid.

Gob · Kitty:I can see she's got gum in her mouth. She can hear you.

Gob:I'd like to see one get out of here quickly in an emergency. They'd be all... I have to get out of here. Get me out of here.

Michael · Gob:'Did you trick her into it yet?' 'Trick her into what?' 'Giving us our rights back, you geo...'

Gob:I would've claimed you.

Gob · Tony Wonder:Different in the same way. Same, in a different way. Different... Same... in a same gay way? Different same.

Gob · Michael:'Willy Wondy?' Who's Willy Wondy? 'Will he, won't he' do magic on our float. Won't he.

Gob:They, like, convert closets to, like, organize and stuff. Who would think anything different?

Closet salesman · Gob:So, what do we have to do to get you into a closet, huh? Wow, you guys don't mince words, huh?

Gob:I've never had any complaints.

Gob:God. Why are all the cute ones so dumb?

Gob:Two guys coming out of the closet! How hard is that to understand? One is gonna be well-organized. The other one is just gonna be shredded all apart.

Gob:I need two closets! Two guys coming out of the closet! How hard is that to understand?

Gob:You could go back and forth the whole parade.

Gob:And breathe a word about this to anybody and you're fired.

Gob · Michael:How would you like to help me in a double-closet sexuality switch two-hander float illusion, no credit, no money? Oh, and you turn gay. I'll pass.

Gob · Michael:No. Um, hey, how would you like to help me in a double-closet sexuality switch two-hander float illusion, no credit, no money? Oh, and you turn gay. - I'll pass.

Gob:So you're saying nothing's worse than the sound of the dog screaming?

Gob · Michael:So you're saying nothing's worse than the sound of the dog screaming? No, I just meant you're not a very good magician.

Gob · Buster:It's gonna involve you being put into a small, confined space, and you come out gay. If that's a swipe about me being in prison, I understand it.

Gob · Buster:It's gonna involve you being put into a small, confined space, and you come out gay. If that's a swipe about me being in prison, I understand it.

Gob:Oh, there's a dog.

Gob:Oh, he's an attorney we were forced to use one year and he... I guess he likes them young.

Gob · Tony Wonder:No, it's, uh, tainting each other's brand, but same dif. Dif. Same. - Same dif.

Gob:Oh, who knows what makes a guy think he can pass for straight? I mean, if he really is gay, he can try to hide it, but trust me, it will come out in the most unexpected balls.

George Michael · Gob:Uh... Excuse me, 'balls'? You realize you just said 'balls'? - But you said balls. - Oh, well that's three times I'm hearing balls now.

Gob:You bet your balls I can get you some Guy Fawkeses. Don't hold your balls. I would not hold my balls on that one.

Gob:K means thousand. Can you believe Adhir just expected me to know that? I must've told him K times, 'You gotta help me with these things.'

Michael · Gob:I used to train dogs, so I'm very patient. - Good Gob. Good K.

Michael · Gob:I used to train dogs, so I'm very patient. And $10,000 for a printer? - 10K. - Good Gob. Good K.

Gob:Hey, you want to spend a couple hundred bucks on a 3-D receipt, I'll have it printed and in your mouth before sunset.

Gob:There's only room at this company for one copresident. What's next? You're gonna want one of my parking spaces, Michael?

Gob:Oh, well, Michael, don't worry, 'cause I already went there. ♪ Balls in the air... ♪

Michael · Gob:Maybe even burning the... well, midweek oil. I quit. I shouldn't have called it the easy choice.

Gob:This is just as tough for you as it is for me. Tougher, maybe. Man without a king.

Accountant · Gob:You do know that Michael didn't fire you, you quit. - As any proud gay man would do in the face of such bigotry.

Gob · Accountant:Probably for being gay, too. You do know that Michael didn't fire you, you quit. As any proud gay man would do in the face of such bigotry.

Gob · Accountant:You should've seen the look on his face when I do my impression of you. You know... What's the problem with Apu?

Gob:Oh, you're just mad 'cause you can't have a hamburger.

Gob:I didn't understand a word you just said, little guy.

George Michael · Gob:Do you think they could be Anonymous, like Guy Fawkses? - Foxy guys.

Gob · Tobias · Lindsay:Well, just one of the smaller ones. You won't even know it's being used. - ...because an actor's body is his instrument. - Come get my shower ready and then take over on the elliptical.

Gob:Uh, yeah, e-mail, but this is g-mail. Down here on the third floor set it up for me, and then when we moved to the fourth, I was like, screw it, I'll just come down here to check it, 'cause I don't want wires going everywhere.

George Michael · Gob:You can use your phone for that. - Yeah, and I could use a pigeon. But for this particular task, I've chosen e-mail.

Gob:The only firm that's gotten back to me is the gang over at Mailer Daemon. Aw, damn it! God, missed him again.

Maeby · Gob:- I'll be damned, it is a he. - Who e-mails back... What? At Wednesday at nap?

Gob · George Michael:Powerful Gay Tastemakers? The Gay Mafia. - What? - That's the Gay Mafia. Surely you've heard of them.

Gob:♪ You're doin' fine, Oklahoma ♪ ♪ Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A ♪ ♪ Oklahoma ♪

Gob:Sure, I guess it could get me off. - I mean, out.

Gob:There'd be less gays that would suck the gays out. - No. - I mean, off.

Austero · Gob · Gay Mafia Member:She was my sister. - My apologies. - Think I was shacking up with your sister. - Maybe he is gay.

Gob · Gay Mafia:You're gonna... tap-dance on my grave? Oh, hell, you saw the matinee. Out you go.

Gob:I don't know who he is. - Stupid day to take an Uber.

Gob:Impossible. You weren't even a wanted child.

Gob · Buster:If... you help me get rid of this big, dead-body-shaped thing. What is it? I just told you, it's...

Gob:My name is Gob Bluth. I'm here for a 12:30 un-gaying.

Gob:Yeah. Boy, wish I could pray that sweater away.

Gob:Gob: 'Did somebody wonder if somebody else made Gob the president? I wonder.'

Gob:Gob: 'Exactly to not answer these questions.' about hiring a president

Gob · Oscar:Gob introducing Oscar: 'Please say hello to my new right-hand man!' while Oscar only has his left hand

Gob:Gob: 'if somebody's willing to spend 3KK on my company, might be able to spread wealth on myself'

Gob:Gob: 'Is this because I'm still gay? 'Cause the conversion didn't take?' when Hot Cops arrive

Gob:Gob: 'Leave a message for Hot Cops! How'd you like to make a fifth of a K?' thinking he hired them

Gob:'How'd you like to make a fifth of a K?' on Gob's voicemail

Gob:Back to whence it came.

Gob:Exactly, and everyone knows the workday doesn't start until nine to five.

Gob:My name is Gob Bluth, and as president of Fakeblock, I have an announcement! I'm building a wall!

Gob · Lucille Sr.:I'm Gob. Uh... Why did you name him that?

Gob:Mum's the word for 'severed human foot' in Chinese.

GOB:My plan. I took Buster off his leash, and I brought him down to the beach. Don't worry, I told him how to swim.

GOB:That was a freebie.

GOB:Oh, spirit of this dead bird, fly into my dead brother!

Gob · Buster:body-shaped thing... It's from a magician.

Gob:Could you really enjoy your freedom, knowing that you hurt my career?

Gob:And violate magician-assistant privilege? Not an option!

Gob:I don't know. I'll use Adhir. But if you are acquitted, we can start as soon as next week, 'cause I got a big illusion planned.

Gob · Narrator:Well, cis male, high butch. Gob had learned a lot in the short time he'd been magically gay.

Gob:You know, he just... he was just so good at acting like, 'Where'd she go? What happened to her? She just... She vanished.'

Gob:Today, in these plywood forms, 10,000 pounds of wet, gay, QuickHard cement will be poured, because if we build it, they won't come!

Tony Wonder · Gob:My God, they're such a bunch of drama thugs. Well, I might not have been dead, but my career was. I was doing three shows a day in Branson in the, uh, Yakov Smirnoff Theater. What's he like? Disappointing.