Double Crossers

George Sr. · Narrator:Narrator describes the wall project as 'something some considered insensitive' while George Sr. simultaneously says 'Which was my idea!' and a woman responds 'Was your idea' — then George Sr. murmurs 'Oh. Tender.' and 'Curious feeling.' as the narrator says he 'was feeling more sensitive by the day'

Herbert Love · George Sr.:Herbert Love: 'You got a point behind all those teeth of yours?' — dismissive response to George Sr.'s pitch

Herbert Love · Narrator:Herbert Love's campaign ad: embraced by 'everyone from the very wealthy... to their bankers and tax attorneys'

Herbert Love · George Sr.:Herbert Love: 'What do I look like, Carl Weathers to you?' after George Sr. says 'Action? Action Jackson?'

Herbert Love:Herbert Love's campaign slogan 'high-low plan' — 'high income, low taxes' — sung as 'Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go — for you'

Herbert Love:Love's 'slushie fund' speech: 'getting a little something in my slushie fund so that I'm nice and loose and can help make numbers one and two happen'

Herbert Love · Narrator · George Sr.:Love: 'I don't want to be the one to say it, but I happen to be fond of redheads and greenbacks' — and the narrator notes 'George Sr. had neither'

Herbert Love:Love says his birth control speech 'had to duck a woman's pump and a mini pizza' when he unveiled it in Garden Grove

Oscar · Lucille:Oscar and Lucille's post-coital scene where Oscar says 'it's good to be out of that sweaty old hot box at the compound' — which has a double meaning given what just happened

Narrator:Narrator: 'And, although too explicit for an American audience, the lovemaking was intense and beautiful but for one small misunderstanding that occurred during the afterglow'

Lucille · George Sr.:Lucille says 'I meant Gob' after suggesting sending 'our son' to train at the wall — then Lucille immediately switches from 'no, it'll kill him' about Buster to 'Oh. Oh, fine. Yeah, send him down. I love that' about Gob

Narrator:The familiar 'Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled...' narration is modified: '...and the one father who had no choice but to keep himself together' — then cuts to title card 'It's George Sr.'s...'

George Sr.:George Sr. at the fundraiser: 'It's better than dying in the snow. I mean, not... not-not that you'll die, but if you had to choose, uh, I mean... Brr, you know?'

George Sr. · Unknown Man:George Sr. offers a mini-quiche to someone he thinks is a Republican strategist, then says 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a successful Republican strategist.' The man responds 'Why, 'cause I'm black?'

George Sr. · Lindsay:George Sr. trying to pocket coconut shrimp, only to find Lindsay is also there trying to pocket the same coconut shrimp: 'Excuse me, Red, you're not the only one who likes coconut shrimp'

George Sr. · Lindsay:Lindsay confronts George Sr.: 'Well, I should have known you'd be here, supporting this right-wing, dangerous crackpot.' George Sr.: 'Lindsay, I forgot — you dyed your hair.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:George Sr.: 'I haven't seen you since January.' / Lindsay: 'Oh honey, I-I've wanted to contact you every single day since last May.' / George Sr.: 'I haven't seen you since January.' / Lindsay: 'Yeah, the first four months, I was in denial.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:Lindsay reveals Lucille sent a $50,000 check to Maeby for plastic surgery. George: 'What kind of a woman does that?' / Lindsay: 'I thought there was no money left.' George: 'Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, that's awful. I mean, she's just precious the way she is.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:George Sr. asks if 'Maisie' knows about the check. Lindsay corrects him: 'And her name is Maeby.' George: 'You don't think Maisie's cuter?'

Narrator · George Sr.:Narrator: 'And that's when George Sr. finally tipped a black man' — as George Sr. takes a $50,000 check from a waiter, having accidentally resolved Herbert Love's racial tension moment from earlier

Herbert Love:Herbert Love: 'I am going to put this on my wall' — referring to the giant check, which is literally about the wall George Sr. is trying to build

Unknown woman (neighbor/passerby):'♪ All you need is smiles ♪ / ♪ Lots and lots of smiley smiles ♪ / ♪ All you need is... ♪ / What the (bleep) is he smiling about?'

George Sr.:George Sr. says he 'hates his arms' and is wearing a blouse while driving because of arm insecurity

Government Surveyors · George Sr.:Government surveyor: 'Shh! You're not supposed to tell them what it's for.' / Second surveyor: 'Well, he already mentioned the tape, and he looks American.' / First surveyor: 'Yeah, but he's in Mexico.'

George Sr. · Government Surveyor:George Sr. walks across the tape line saying 'So, what you're saying to me is that on this side of the tape, I'm in Mexico, but when I come over here...' — Surveyor: 'Whoa. We're going to need to see a passport, sir. Pasaporte.'

George Sr. · Government Surveyor:George Sr. says 'You really hurt my feelings, guys.' to the border surveyors who've denied him access to his own property, adding 'No hugging... ma'am'

George Sr. · Lawyer/Businessperson:George Sr. defending the land purchase: 'You can't expect me to read every page of that deal. Besides, that one was particularly difficult because it was all in Spanish.' / Lawyer: 'It says very clearly, on my business card, "Se habla español." / George Sr.: '"I do not speak Spanish."'

George Sr. · Oscar · Lucille:Business card reads 'Se habla español' — but George Sr. reveals it means 'I do not speak Spanish'

Oscar:Oscar burning signs: 'Well, this is America. If they don't want us to burn signs, they shouldn't write them in Spanish.'

Herbert Love:It's a 40 for the flip and a 40 for the flop, and since it's going to cause a flap, I'd say another 40. So it's a flat 40-40-40 flip-flop and a flap fee.

Lucille · George Sr.:Lucille (on phone with George Sr.): 'Hey, you've changed, you big (bleep). You're acting like a little girl lately. And not in the good way. Pull yourself together. Act like a man.' Then: 'Love you. Bye.'

Gob:Gob arrives at the sweat lodge having gone 'down to San Diego and looped back up' to avoid the border ribbon. Then explains his career goal: 'I'm a gentleman honey farmer. The only thing I've got back there are my bees.'

George Sr. · Lucille:George Sr. and Lucille phone call ending: 'Love you. / Love you, too. Bye.' — immediately followed by 'Cash, no receipt.'

Gob · George Sr.:Gob: 'Beans?' / George Sr.: 'No, bees!' / Gob: 'Bees?' / George Sr.: 'Bees!' / Gob: 'Bees! Oh, bees!' — escalating realization

George Sr.:George Sr.: 'Don't worry. Dad, they're going to hive. They always hive. Usually by seeking out a structure that most resembles a hive.' — bees proceed to invade the sweat lodge/tent

Gob · George Sr.:The bee boxes tumble out of Gob's limo: 'Bees! Bees? Bees! Oh, bees! The boxes fell over on the way here when I had to swerve to avoid an ostrich.'

Oscar · George Sr.:Oscar arrives at the sweat lodge and says 'Hello, brother. Thought I'd find you in a blouse and a beekeeper hat.'

Narrator · Buster:Narrator explains that Buster made the property map 'as a cartography student, because the class where you get to see naked people and draw them was full'

George Sr. · Oscar:George Sr.: 'I told one lie, but I-I was going to share the money with you.' / Oscar: 'Two lies.' / George: 'And why do I think that you charge more than five dollars for lemonade?' / Oscar: 'Three small lies.'

Oscar:Oscar's 'dramatic exit' is undercut immediately: 'So, good-bye, George. This is the last you'll see of me. Just gonna use the can for one second.'

Unknown Camp Participant:'There's two Dr. Normans!' — a camp participant seeing both George Sr. and Oscar at the same time

Lucille · George Sr.:George Sr. arrives to sleep with Lucille, who says 'Yesterday, you were amazing. Georgie, I can't stop thinking about it. You haven't been like that in years.' George: 'Oh, right... You mean, slow-witted?'

George Sr. · Dr. Norman:George Sr. in doctor's office: 'I've made love with treason charges over me before. But no, it's something else.'

Dr. Norman:Dr. Norman's alternative medicine checklist: 'Any earthquakes in a Chinese restaurant while you were trying to prove something to your mother?' / 'Any wishes you may have phrased badly, or while a child was blowing out a candle?'

Dr. Norman:Dr. Norman: 'Sorry, had the old thinking cap on.' — puts on an actual thinking cap (presumably a comical hat)

Dr. Norman:Dr. Norman's checklist continues: 'Have you come across any ancient games, let's say, glowing games, uh, either board based or carnival based, that you may have played against the wishes of your best friend?'

Dr. Norman:'Have you come across any ancient games, let's say, glowing games, uh, either board based or carnival based, that you may have played against the wishes of your best friend?'

George Sr. · Dr. Norman:George Sr.: 'Wait. The strong will become the weak. The weak will become the strong. I did hallucinate one ancient foreboding warrior harbinger while I chewed maca root about a year ago. Could that be something?'

Dr. Norman:Dr. Norman: 'No, it's not the maca. Your body wants the maca. It's not the maca.' — after George Sr. mentions the maca hallucination

Dr. Norman · George Sr.:Dr. Norman recommends George Sr. get in an MRI machine 'and try to ride it to climax' — 'Do I get magazines?' / 'Yeah, I'll write you a script for that. They got a place right around the corner that plays ball.'

George Sr.:George Sr. at a Spanish-speaking pharmacy: 'Uh... hola... I have a, um — magazines?'

Narrator:Narrator: 'He was on his way to debase himself in an MRI machine when he ran into a son with whom he'd lost touch.'

George Sr. · Michael · Narrator:George Sr. at the MRI facility, seeing Michael: 'I wanted to speak to you... in person.' / Michael: 'Then you're here to apologize; that right?' / George Sr.: 'Sure.' / Narrator: 'Although, he covered pretty well. And of course to see you at Orange County Im-a-gine.'

Narrator:Narrator: '...and Michael, signed contract in hand, went to show off at the Ealing Club, while George Sr., magazine in hand, went to (bleep) off in an MRI machine.'

George Sr.:George Sr. explaining his Mexican empathy to Michael: 'I actually had one cute hat, and it blew off at the CVS parking lot. And this whole car full of black kids ran over it, for no reason. And they saw it! They saw it!'

George Sr.:'And this whole car full of Black kids ran over it, for no reason. And they saw it! They saw it!'

George Sr.:George Sr.'s pitch to Michael about caring for people 'who just want to come into this country and ply their wares and let us freely fill the bay with their culture'

Michael:Michael: 'Hey, don't get me started on the Cinco, Dad. I haven't been to one in 20 years. There's gonna be blowback there; it's just gonna happen. You can't swim in that bay for a month after without getting nacho cheese sauce in your hair. It's coming.'

Lucille · George Sr.:Lucille: 'George, you've gone puny again. Where's the man who took ahold of me yesterday and bent me over this couch?'

Lucille:Lucille: 'And speaking of getting enough of it up, what's going on down here?' — transitioning from the wall conversation to George Sr.'s sexual dysfunction

Lucille · George Sr.:Lucille tries to seduce George Sr. by singing '♪ Happy birthday, Mr. President... ♪' / George Sr.: 'I-I don't want to be Mr. President.'

George Sr.:George Sr.: 'As much as I'd like to stay and lay some more pipe with you, I better get moving on this thing.'

George Sr.:George Sr. on the phone with Michael about giving Gob a job: 'I don't care if it's producing a movie that's never gonna be made or selling houses that no one's gonna buy, I just want my son to have a job where his incompetence won't be out of place.'

George Sr. · Michael:Michael worries Gob will make Sudden Valley 'less valuable.' George: 'Which I told you was gonna happen, by the way.' Michael: 'Oh, here it is. Here it is.' George: 'Yeah, there it is! Knew it was coming.'

Gob · Michael:Gob and Michael's road rage standoff at Sudden Valley, each claiming right-of-way with escalating 'Mine! / My right of... way!' before reuniting

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'Actually that was a memorial to the death of Pete the mailman.' Michael: 'I knew that.' Gob: 'I brought one, too — size of the man's heart. I just got to figure out how to get it out of the car. If I could remember how I got it in.'

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'That's not from your Christian magic act?' / 'Christian magic act?' / 'If I were Muslim, would you say "Muslim magic act"?' / Michael: 'No, but it is hard to imagine any Muslim handcuffing himself to a glittery cross and living to tell about it.' / Gob: 'Yeah, well, the Christians aren't so (bleep)-hot about it either.'

Michael:Michael: 'No, but it is hard to imagine any Muslim handcuffing himself to a glittery cross and living to tell about it.'

Gob · Narrator:Gob: 'Things are incredible for me, I'm having an incredible year. I am a movie producer now, producing a movie, so they've got me in this enormous office.' / Narrator's note: 'Michael could see that his brother was unhappy and that his life had not worked out the way he had hoped.'

Gob:Gob: 'I told 'em I don't want to be driving to Beverly Hills every single day, so they put me in this enormous office just over here.' / Wide shot reveals the 'enormous office' is a small rental trailer in Sudden Valley.

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'My personal life is off the charts. I've met someone. Can't really give you any information — kind of famousy.' / Michael: 'Well, good for you. I also met someone. Also famousy. Can't give you any information.'

Gob:'My personal life is off the charts. I've met someone. Can't really give you any information — kind of famousy.'

Michael · Narrator · Rebel Alley:Michael's girlfriend is revealed to be 'Ron Howard's girlfriend' — actually Ron Howard's illegitimate daughter — 'a fact unbeknownst to many'

Narrator:Narrator explanation of Rebel Alley: 'She was Ron's illegitimate daughter, a fact unbeknownst to many... A woman who, like Bryce Dallas and Paige Carlyle, was named after where she was conceived.'

Narrator · Rebel Alley:Montage of Rebel's career: She did a Terrence Malick film ('Are we the same?'), got the lead in a Woody Allen film ('But I felt like I was in The Iceman Cometh, but, you know, in my case, he faketh'), and was directed by Ron Howard in a shoplifting PSA

Rebel Alley:Rebel's Woody Allen film experience: 'But I felt like I was in The Iceman Cometh, but, you know, in my case, he faketh.'

Ron Howard · Rebel Alley:Ron Howard directing Rebel in a shoplifting PSA: 'Next time, don't pocket it, pay for it. Shoplifting: not cool.' / 'And cut!' / 'You know, I think we got it.'

Michael · Gob:Michael's confusion about Ron Howard: 'You don't have to worry about Ron Howard. I mean, he's not competition for you. Yeah, I mean, the guy's like 100 years old. What's he gonna do, poke you in the eyes?' / Gob's realization: 'Oh, you're confused. Ron Howard directed Apollo 13. You're thinking of Moe Howard, the angry stooge who's been dead for a quarter century.'

Gob:Gob: 'Well, that's good 'cause the whole time I'm thinking, like, "unless she likes a guy who's funny." Because that guy IS funny. 'Cause the whole time you're like... "Is he gonna poke me in the eyes?"'

Michael · Gob:Michael says he can't 'call [his son] and ask him.' Gob: 'You know what, Michael? I'll call him for you.' Michael: 'Really, you'd do that for me?' Gob: 'It's the least I could do. You've given me a new sense of purpose.' Michael: 'Did you actually have an old one? 'Cause it always seemed like you were just looking for the easy way out.' Gob: 'Yeah, that was it.'

Gob:Gob: 'You don't need to tell me about disappointment and sons. Let's not forget Steve Holt. That's the story of our relationship.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Did you actually have an old one? 'Cause it always seemed like you were just looking for the easy way out.' / Gob: 'Yeah, that was it.'

George Sr. · Soldier:George Sr.'s wall promotional video: 'It's, uh, triple-reinforced, steel-reinforced, and I don't really know how to say that, uh, what it does is, it protects, um... / Soldier: 'It's Mexican-proof.' / George Sr.: 'So — can't say — it... / [pause] Well, gosh darn it, it is Mexican-proof.'

George Sr. · Soldier:George Sr.'s fake wall video: slowly panning camera making a small section of wall look like miles, with a soldier prop

George Sr. · Unknown Child:During the wall promo video: a child in the car starts complaining 'Daddy, my tummy's turning... I need to get out... I need to get out.' George Sr. tries to continue the video while the child has an episode, eventually: 'We're not gonna... we'll edit this part out and, uh... Anyhow...'

Narrator:Narrator: 'But George Sr. hadn't built miles of wall. He just found a roundabout way to make it seem that way.'

Herbert Love:At Cinco de Cuatro: 'No, thanks. I've already crushed one with my car.'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael tells George Sr. he'll 'get Lucille 2 against the wall.' George Sr.: 'No, no, no, no, no, she cannot know about this wall.' Michael: 'Fine, I'll get her up against the top of the staircar. I don't care, it's gonna happen, though.'

Michael · George Sr.:Michael: 'Fine, I'll get her up against the top of the staircar.' — George Sr. has said he doesn't want Lucille 2 to know about 'the wall'

George Sr. · Lucille 2:George Sr. to Lucille 2: 'I was trying to protect you so they wouldn't link you to it, but it turns out that we can't afford to build it anyway.' / Lucille 2: 'Build what?' / George: 'The wall in Mexico, the, the high wall.' / Lucille 2: 'What were, what were you talking about?' / George: 'I was talking about you giving money to Herbert Love in his campaign against me.'

Lucille 2:Lucille 2, upset: 'I can't be running a company that's building a wall I campaigned against!' / Then: 'Oh, I tell you, I've been all over the place on this one.'

Lucille 2 · George Sr.:'Now, I've got a staircar to wave from. And I can't be seen with you. / 'Cause I'm fat. / It's because I am fat. / You think I'm a fat person.'

Lucille 2 · George Sr.:Lucille 2 accuses George Sr. of thinking she's fat: 'I can't be seen with you. / 'Cause I'm fat. / It's because I am fat. / You think I'm a fat person. / You are such a drama queen.'

Dr. Norman:Dr. Norman's testosterone results: 'Your testosterone numbers are off the charts. Below the charts, under the charts. I don't know how to say that. You have almost no testosterone at all. I don't know the exact numbers, but it's somewhere in the baby range.'

Dr. Norman:Dr. Norman: 'On the plus side, your estrogen levels are that of a very healthy woman in the throes of her menses.'

Dr. Norman · George Sr.:Dr. Norman: 'May I see my results?' / George Sr.: 'Ah, I wish you'd asked me about five minutes ago. I think I dumped it with a pot pipe and a bottle of cheetah sedative.'

Dr. Norman · George Sr.:Dr. Norman: 'Also, the people at Orange County Imaging said that you were masturbating in an MRI tube?' / George Sr.: 'Oh, no.' / Dr. Norman: 'But, Doctor, you, you told me to.' / 'I did no such thing.' / 'That sounds like something I would say when I had my thinking cap on.'

Dr. Norman · George Sr.:Dr. Norman: 'You, sir, are a very funny lady.' George Sr.: 'That's what they always say to the unattractive one.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'Of course, it was Cinco, so it took a while for anyone to notice' — referring to the party being ransacked by protesters

George Sr. · Narrator:George Sr. finds a disguise and the narrator says 'Fortunately, he was able to find a disguise.' / George Sr. in disguise: 'Oh, God.' / Narrator: 'Unfortunately...' / George Sr.: 'This feels right.'

Lindsay · Michael:Scene transition: 'Lindsay surprises Michael after a long absence from his life.' / Lindsay: 'It's been a long time.' / Michael: 'Oh, this is a little embarrassing. But I have been meaning to get down there, so let's just...' / Lindsay: 'You're right, I mean, it's not like we're even technically related.' / 'Okay, well, then I'll start with a smear.'

George Sr. · Detective Smee:A detective comes to George Sr.'s door: 'Lucille Austero went missing last night. You mind if we ask you a few questions?' / George Sr. (in disguise): 'I-I don't allow men in my apartment without my husband present.'