A New Start

TV Crew Member:Looks like we got ourselves an Anus Tart.

Tobias · Narrator:What Sudden Valley does to these cell phones!

Narrator:Yes, Tobias was finally about to get a starring role on a hit TV show. / It's John Beard's To Entrap a Local Predator Supercreeps.

Narrator:It's Tobias' Arrested Development.

Tobias · Lindsay:I'm sorry. Everyone thinks I'm gay? / Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family.

Tobias:♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪ / 'Misleading?'

George Sr. · Tobias:Well, you look like I feel. / Gay? / No, I... No.

Narrator · Tobias:They're still reading it, but... Well, I guess I can leave them some Love. So he just took Eat and Pray.

Narrator:Eat was easy, although it provided no cosmic answers for him.

Tobias:And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I'm a homosexual.

Tobias · Lindsay:A new start. Filled with compassion and love. / I like that. / Well, I've already got the license plate, so go cry in your pie!

Narrator · Indian Drivers:I guess this is why you never see them driving convertibles. / Stay in your lane, anus tart! / Anus tart!

Tobias:Well, there we go. India clean.

Tobias:I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus.

Tobias · Canadian Passenger:Canadian? / No, I'm American. / Yeah. I'm Canadian. / Sorry.

Tobias:How could they not have Failure to Launch?

Narrator · Doctor:Tobias experienced India from the inside of a hospital room... once outside the airport and once in the elevator when his sheet got caught and he was pulled off his gurney. Literally. Two places indeed.

Indian Doctor · Tobias:It's like that new show we just got, Laugh-In. / My name is... Oh! Now I've broken my skull in a third place! On this elephant guy statue!

Doctor · Tobias · Narrator:You should be a comedy actor. / And finally it had. / This is the sign I've been... Looking for.

Tobias · Narrator:Although, as we discovered when our MasterCard bill came back, it was the same one she took.

Tobias:For 2,000 rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey.

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:At the time of this family meeting, 2,000 rupees was $36. / I wouldn't. / Of course you wouldn't, Michael. You never accept help from anyone.

Tobias · Real Estate Agent:Listen, I'm an actor, you're an agent. You do the math. / In other words, you do the math. The money, the negotiating. / You know I'm not that kind of agent, right? I'm a real estate agent. I'm a predator.

Tobias · Real Estate Agent:All you need to do is tell people what a terrific actor I am, 'cause I can't do it believably. / Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work.

Tobias:Okay, here's the number of my current agent Mike Matthews. He's at Allstate. Fire him.

Tobias:Hi. I'm after pending. / Taft-Hartley pending.

Tobias · Lindsay:Including duck l'orange! / Lindsay! Lindsay, get the scooper! / Throw oranges at it. / Hot orange! Hot orange! / It's throwing its voice! Lindsay!

Narrator:And so they went to the Fountain Valley China Garden instead.

Narrator:The suicide of his ruined and despondent agent certainly could [deter Tobias].

Tobias · Narrator:I believe he died as a warning, in a way, his message perhaps to live within our means and be realistic about our lives. / And yet it didn't. / Well, then I shall redouble my efforts so that he died in vain. / Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean.

Tobias:Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean. Yes, carry on. Thank you.

Lindsay · Tobias:What did you say the name of this acting class was again? / Method One Clinic. / Okay, I'm gonna go get coffee. / Garden Grove Method One Clinic.

DeBrie:And I made it in that movie, the Fantastic Four, but it wasn't fantastic for me. / I got carried away. / And I'm like, 'This is up, and I've got to get my together or I'm gonna be too.'

Tobias · DeBrie:Okay, notes. First of all, it seemed you were slurring a bit there, and I just think you'd have so much more fun punching those words. / 'This is up, sir.' / I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the piece, so...

Narrator:Twenty years earlier, DeBrie Bardeaux had played Sue Storm in the low-budget version of the Fantastic Four, produced by Imagine Entertainment, when, during Imagine's Christmas party, a drunk lawyer reminded them they'd lose the rights if they didn't make the film in the next six days. After a two-hour search, they found their entire cast.

Narrator:They also proved useful six days later at the wrap party.

DeBrie:I almost never get recognized as the Invisible Girl. / I can't believe you saw me.

Tobias · Narrator:Well, I thought it was 'fantastic.' / Actually, most of the performance that had so captivated Tobias... was performed by a fishing line.

Tobias · DeBrie · Bystander:Hey, maybe she came into this Light Bulbs Unlimited. / She was here a minute ago. / This is the gayest Starbucks ever! / Did his fishing line break, too?

DeBrie:Carl Weathers used to give us grape juice. But then he'd add $5 to our credit card.

Tobias · DeBrie:Well, here is to our acting addiction. Yep. May we never be cured.

Tobias · DeBrie:DeBrie, are you crying? Oh, I'm crying. Oh, it's a nosebleed.

Narrator:And after a not-very-cute meet-cute, Tobias continued to find DeBrie's behavior delightful, even when the methadone made her think she was a piece of toast.

Tobias:Now I can see a pretty face under all that butter substitute.

Narrator:She had been in a series of soft-core porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called StraightBait.

DeBrie (in StraightBait) · Male Characters (in StraightBait):If you want to have sex with me, then you've got to have sex with him first. / And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay. / I'll show you how not gay I am.

Narrator:She did six of these movies, and after lunch, did three more.

DeBrie:Marky Bark, sometimes he doesn't know when I'm in the same room. / And sometimes it feels like it's not the face blindness, you know?

Tobias:I've yet to make more money as an actor than I ever did as a doctor. And that's with CountryWide behind me.

DeBrie · Tobias:You're a doctor, and you're out of work. / Well... / You can write scripts? / Well, I like to think so. / You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts.

Tobias · DeBrie:Well, I like to think so. You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts. You seem like you'd be a good doctor-actor.

DeBrie · Narrator:You remind me of Billy Crystal... / It would have broken Tobias' heart if he'd known she was about to say 'Billy Crystal Meth,' a funny drug dealer.

DeBrie · Narrator:You remind me of Billy Crystal... / Once again, she was going to say, 'Billy Crystal Meth.'

Tobias · DeBrie:Did you see my license plate, 'A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T'? / Did you see my StraightBait movie of the same name?

Narrator / Score:♪ Coincidence ♪

Tobias · DeBrie:Can I just improv my way out of a marriage? / Yes, and let's do this. / Blackout.

Narrator · DeBrie · Tobias:If you're wondering what 'too' referred to, it was this... / Let's do this. / Blackout. / And scene, as they say. / Her heart stopped! She's dying!

Medical Staff · Tobias · Doctor:Someone say 'butter' out here? / Oh, my God, that's a butter face. / How much butter did the patient have? / I don't know. A Star Trek chess set's worth.

Doctor · Paramedic · Tobias:Damn it, that Swappigan's puts more people in this hospital... / We got a 61-year-old male in full cardiac arrest coming through. / Be careful of her face! She's an actress!

Doctor · Tobias:How much butter did the patient have? I don't know. A Star Trek chess set's worth.

Tobias:We're both actors!

Doctor · Tobias:I'm afraid that you have tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis, trichomonitis, non-gonococcal urethritis. All the itises, really, and there's also a host of osises. / Now, what this means in non-medical terms is that you have landed a real party girl.

Tobias · DeBrie · Doctor:You didn't tell me you had a drug problem. / We met at a methadone clinic. / Are you high? We met at an acting class. / The Method One... / There it is. I'm gonna let you guys hash this out.

Tobias:DeBrie, look, some people struggle with addiction. Other people are incapable of ever being nude. Everybody has something.

Tobias · DeBrie:When I first saw StraightBait, there were two men making love, but I couldn't take my eyes off of you. / You watched StraightBait? / Oh, just two, four and nine.

DeBrie · Tobias:You watched StraightBait? Oh, just two, four and nine.

Tobias · Bystanders:Come one, come all! Get your photo taken with Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four! / Hey, is that Jessica Alba? / No, this is the original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux! / Who?

DeBrie · Tobias:I do have a law degree. / I know, I know, and I'm a doctor. But no, let's not settle.

Tobias · Bystander:They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo. / I assure you, there's nothing ambiguous about me. I'm Johnny Storm, the Human Flamer.

Tobias:And this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter-in-law.

Tobias · Narrator:Mr. Feinberg? Would it change your mind if I offered you a free Sue Storm armband? / It did not change his mind.

Narrator:And although the hate crime charges were dismissed, they were told they could not continue to pose as the Fantastic Four.

DeBrie · Tobias:Can they really make us leave Hollywood Boulevard? / Well, apparently in this instance, paper beats rock. / You have a rock? / No, I am your rock now.

Tobias:Ability to Be Invisible Person. / Actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster, and this is Ability to Be Invisible Person.

Police Officer:What brings you to at least 500 feet past the entrance of Disneyland?

Child · Tobias · Police Officer:They're the Fantastic Four. / Actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster... / We're The Thing and the Invisible Girl. / You're under arrest.

Tobias · Police Officer:We're not gonna kill him, we're just gonna handcuff him. You can't shoot us 'cause it's not a felony.

Police Officer 1 · Police Officer 2:If it happens again, you know, it will be a third strike. / Three-strikes law's up for review in the appellate courts, but we really shouldn't be charging.

DeBrie · Tobias:We're broke. / But you can't sell your Fantastic Four costume. I mean, that would be like a fisherman selling his fishing costume.

DeBrie · Tobias:No, I was gonna have sex with him. / For money. / What? No. Put that back on.

DeBrie · Tobias:Hey, I'm not a thing. / Hey, I am a thing.

Tobias · George Michael:Michael. / No, George Michael. / Somebody, help!

Narrator · Bird/Maeby:And that's when he heard what sounded like two ostriches making love to a pop hit. / But was actually this. / ♪ Why don't you go away, go away / Get away, get away, stay away / You're hopelessly hopeless ♪

Lucille 2:You know, the doctor said if that bird had gotten through my second layer of makeup, it could've done permanent damage to my skin.

Lucille 2 · Tobias:How would you like to come work for me at Austerity? / The rehab center? That's yours? / Well, my brother Argyle runs it day-to-day.

Lucille 2 · Narrator · Tobias:It would only pay 120 grand a year to start. / Tobias, whose girlfriend had nearly sold her body for money in front of him, knew that everyone at some time had to face reality. / Ummmmmm... / But this wasn't the time. No.

DeBrie · Tobias:You turned it down? Mmm-hmm. / I almost a guy for a hamburger, and you turned down $120,000 a year?

Tobias · DeBrie:After all, a doctor in India told me that I have the gift to make people laugh. / Why are you crying? / You're worse than Marky. He couldn't see me, but you can't hear me.

DeBrie:You're worse than Marky. He couldn't see me, but you can't hear me.

Process Server · Tobias:Who are you supposed to be? / I'm The Thing from Fantastic Four. / You've been served.

Process Server · Tobias:Who are you supposed to be? I'm The Thing from Fantastic Four. You've been served.

Tobias · CIA Agent:Are you undercover as well? / I'm CIA. Not here for you, though. / Scoping out Imagine Entertainment.

Tobias:Daddy needs to get his rocks off.

Narrator / John Beard:On the next To Entrap a Local Predator... / Predator gets its first rock-solid case.

Tobias:I'm here to see my little girl. / I wanted to show her Daddy's Thing.

John Beard · Tobias:How old is she? / I want to say 19? / But I like to think of her as 15.

John Beard (offscreen) · Narrator · Tobias:Well, you're free to go. She's not here. / But this creep won't take 'go' for an answer. / That's all right. I'll stay, I'll wait.

TV Crew · TV Producer · Tobias:Tell him there's a raccoon in the backyard. / Hey, guess what? There's a raccoon out on the patio! / Where is that little guy?

John Beard / Producer · Crew Member · Tobias:Tell him there's a raccoon in the backyard. / Hey, guess what? There's a raccoon out on the patio! / Where is that little guy?

John Beard (voiceover) · Tobias:And this guy turns out to be a real comedian. / I just broke my skull in a fourth place. The patio!