Lucille Bluth

Look what the homosexuals have done to me.

Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.

I love all my children equally. I don't care for Gob.

The man can barely work our shredder.

Well, I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.

Then why don't you marry an ice cream sandwich?

Something with 'Dale.' I don't know. Brookfeather. Raintree. It's hot. It's very hot there. I've never been. Get a warrant!

Something with 'Dale.' I don't know. Brookfeather. Raintree. It's hot. It's very hot there. I've never been. Get a warrant!

Luz, that coat cost more than your house! Oh, that's how we joke. She doesn't even have a house.

You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.

That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say, 'You might wanna lean away from that fire... since you're soaked in alcohol.' Mine was better.

It'll fly out on its own. Why are you calling me? What do you need?

You run around with everyone else, going on bike rides, making cornholes.

Everyone's laughing, riding and cornholing except Buster.

'Cause I'm an uptight... Buster! You old horny slut!

Send her over. I'll take her shopping. Buster was right. You get off on being withholding, don't you?

No. I'm withholding it. Look at me getting off.

Because they usually don't.

Mom! What is it? I can't get down.

I may not have her money anymore, but at least I have a live husband.

Make it long so Buster doesn't seem so... round.

It's his glasses. They make him look like a lizard.

If that's a veiled criticism about me... I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

A sea of waiters, and no one will take a drink order.

A waiter hands him a note; suddenly he's Steve McQueen.

Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear!

You remember the carjacker? - Aaah! - Well, she's certainly toughened up since then.

Pool food. My system's not used to curly fries.

If you're going to say 'pride,' you're wrong. Wasn't gonna say pride, Mom.

Daddy horny, Michael. He said some wonderful things.

'Golf membership' want it?

I'm not going to have sex with you, George. I came to tell you how much I hate you for what you've done to this family.

And you're as powerful as a bear. My husband the bear. This bear needs some honey, wife.

If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear!

Pool food. My system's not used to curly fries.

Golf membership want it?

Get away from that stove. You're going to light your hair on fire.

He's weak.

You're my third least-favorite child.

I've been a horrible mother. - No, Mom. You're great. You've been a great mother.

It's an idiot on a scooter at night? It's gotta be Gob.

I was thrown clear. I only care about you.

I was definitely driving that time.

Oh, here comes the 10:15 conniption, right on time.

I have no idea where you get that from. Get away from that stove. You're going to light your hair on fire.

Protein bars for your father. He's pumping up in prison.

You're my third least-favorite child. I can live with that.

It's better than sitting here with Buster's stupid rock behind me.

So this is what my children think of me.

I've been a horrible mother.

It's an idiot on a scooter at night? It's gotta be Gob.

I was thrown clear.

I'm a horrible mother.

I was definitely driving that time.

I was definitely driving that time.

She changed him as a baby.

You're the only child who chose a spouse I liked, and she's the one who had to die.

It's a good thing he's already got that little scooter.

I guess you'll just have to decide which Lucille you want to spend your nights with.

You're no more in love with him than I am.

Not after we doctor all these receipts.

Sometimes a diet is the best defense.

Sleeves.

And this is from when your Pop-Pop yelled out, 'Oh, Melanie...' when he was making love to Gangy.

Oh. Pretty. It'll distract from the freckles.

I know, but it's an elephant... and I didn't want to invite the comparison.

That chubby little wrist of yours... is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is.

I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.

Everything I've said about you can be covered with makeup and a lie about a thyroid problem.

Is this your onion? / Yes. / What's in the foil? / Nothing. It's a ball of foil for my son.

I have a job. / Kiss ass. / Well, we were all thinking it.

Kiss ass. Well, we were all thinking it.

Who doesn't love the Jews?

Food fight!

Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine's Day party.

Mother, you know I have class on Tuesday. Oh, how silly of me.

Oh, well, I never say no to dinner, with a beautiful lady that is. Do you like ham? No. I love it.

This was supposed to be my anniversary toast. Yeah. And this was supposed to be my Valentine's Day party.

I'm a man, Mike! I'm a man. Can I throw out this yogurt?

Oh, get off the mount. You're coming home, guilty or somehow found not guilty.

Tell him I'm fine without him.

Where is your head, Michael?

She's not real. She was made in a cup. Like soup... a hundred and thirty thousand dollar cup of soup.

How do you like them egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone?

All I know is it took an extra year before we could add a den.

God, why am I the only one who ever comes through in this family?

Call it what you want. I'm tired of paying Lupe to clean one dish.

Oh, for God's sake. He's on his own for two days, and he joins a gang.

That's right... dull, nothing-going-on-upstairs... Michael.

Is that my belt?

The S.E.C. was onto us. Your father thought it would make us look charitable. He must have forged my signature.

Well, maybe I'll get a son who will... finish his cottage cheese!

I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore. Yeah, that udder's been dry for a while now, hasn't it?

You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can even tell.

This is 'Annyong,' who your father and I have adopted.

Yes. Annyong is your brother now.

You're trying to steal from the wrong man. Watch your back, my little immigrant friend!

Suddenly playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

We can't have them hanging around like freeloaders, looking for an easy buck.

They made me apply for a membership card. It was humiliating.

Hola. Is Rosa still alive? No? Hmm. Okay. This is not my day.

She gained 10 pounds... there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74!

Ninety-two years old, and she never tried pesto.

Nana was on that yacht! What? You killed Nana! She's lying! She's been dead for six months. For about six months.

You can't have it. It's in a trust fund for Annyong. Annyong.

He thinks he's a lawyer 'cause he played one in 10th grade.

It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence. - Yep. Yeah, that's it.

So you could run off with this great redwood of a whore?

I couldn't breast-feed any of you kids because of that man!

Even when you slept with my sister, it was for a good reason. Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?

The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face and it can't even see you.

Uh, you. I was raising the children.

When was the last time you raised children? Excuse me? I've got two in the waiting room right this moment.

What's gotten into you? Have you been eating cheese?

I have always wanted a daughter. And a blonde. What fun.

Those are for his soccer team. No sugar for you. You just get more awful.

Because Buster's your brother... and I'm not gonna leave him home alone with all this J-U-I-C-E around. I can spell, Mom. You spelled 'juice.' Oh, you're so brilliant. Let's see you find it.

I meant 'a matter of'L' and 'D'...' Life and death.

Buster's jaw clicks when he eats. I think it's what's driving his friends away.

I seem to remember a certain someone running to Mommy when his algebra teacher made an example of him.

What's this? What's happening? - It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you. - Why?

Let Mama take care of it. - No, no. Mom, come on. I don't want you to do anything. Hey! This isn't algebra. I'm a big boy. Mother! Do not make somebody dis... disappear.

Now there's someone who could have used a good mother. Whore!

You still have the neck of a 20-year-old. - And you still have the hair of a lion.

You know about what I was saying about how people outlive their usefulness? - That was out of line. - I know. But you made a good point.

I remember a young man who used to say 'But I don't have bad dreams in your bed!' - That was Buster.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA TAKE, THE ONE CAN OF COMET YOU'VE GOT IN THERE?

OSCAR, THIS IS A CHILDREN'S SOCCER GAME, NOT WOODSTOCK.

He never told me where he was going, but he used to come back from those business trips reeking of lamb. And people would send figs... not even at Christmas. In the middle of October. Oh, and once, someone sent him a toe, and he went white as a sheet.

What kind of diet is this? It's too much meat. I want all of you off this immediately. Except you.

Ta-da. I'm out of here. Problem contained. We've got the attacking animal down.

Well, if it isn't the boy who cried Phoenix.

I want you.

Yes.

The tears aren't coming. The tears just aren't coming.

The Seaward. - You're not getting a boat. Get rid of the Seaward. - I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Mother? Mother! - I heard zoo noises. - It's nothing. Go back to bed.

Now which pinkie do you use less?

I wonder if he even has an apartment or- Perfect. He's not a real man.

Please. Allow me. I'll just 'circumvrent' you.

Gene! Oh, Gene! Isn't he the best? Gene was far from the best.

I still can't believe he's going into the army. You know, he's doing it just to spite me. Then why are you throwing him a party? Just to spite him.

That's so you can videotape it... when they put you in a naked pyramid and point to your Charlie Browns.

Buster get in trunk of car. So he's not going to the army. He must have had Michael sneak him into Mexico.

Here's some money. Go see a Star War.

It's just some idiot with balloons. Oh, is it? I knew it!

Oscar, close it. You look like the window of a butcher shop.

Who left the cap off my- [Bleeps] Glisten?

It's a whole new beginning. A new day, a new case, a whole new set of lies.

Those are the whites only, yes?

I'm being lied... on.

God willing, he'll fail boot camp. Well, why wouldn't he? He already failed day camp.

And it's so nice not to have to worry about getting pregnant. The doctor said I couldn't be a mother now if I tried. And that was without even interviewing me.

You smell like a pine cone. Yeah, that's the weed.

First I blow him, then I poke him. Guy has no idea what he's in for.

Oh, that's ridiculous. I want you to move in with me.

Michael, a mother doesn't have a child to give herself company. Annyong was to teach Buster a lesson.

There's no shame in being a coward. / A coward? I'm not a coward.

How the worm has turned.

I walk in and there's a colored man in my kitchen. / "Colored"? What color was he exactly? / Blue.

'Sergeant Blank is treating me very blank and it looks like I'll be shipping off to blank in about a blank. I blank you, Mother. Buster.'

I even tried to convince them he's gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son.

Lucille, I'll say it again. You never know what's going to happen in the army. Remember, Lucille? No, I don't.

Get me a vodka, rocks. Mom, it's breakfast. And a piece of toast.

That hairless freak is coming here? None of his hair is real, you know. You mean the guy we're meeting with can't even grow his own hair? Come on!

Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some- Go ahead, Mom. Finish your thought. 'Every time some children's hospital needs funding'?

Oh, God. That touch. Oh, how could I forget? Pat? Lucille. I could never forget that touch.

Maybe if you... go downtown. [Exhales] Oh, I haven't done that in 30 years.

You baited the balcony? - Prove it.

I moved the wall a couple of inches into her penthouse.

It does? I stopped at 'unfrozen.'

Standpoor, because she can't stand up without falling over.

I don't know why she'd have any trouble. A piano could stand on those legs.

Sweet ride, dude. - Let's give her Buster.

When Buster inadvertently bid on Lucille 2. - $10,000! - Buster.

REALLY? DID NOTHING CANCEL?

SHOUT OUT, 'I GET HER 364 DAYS A YEAR FOR FREE!' OR SOMETHING.

$10,000. OH, HOW GRAND.

that bitch! You're not at home, Mom. She doesn't live next door when you're here.

the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob. Think that makes the joke on Gob.

Nice of you to take a break from that common whore you've been dating.

He's half deaf. It was a stupid, stupid hire. Not 'higher.' Eye level! Eye level!

We haven't done this since the Balboa Bay Window magazine

Whatever happened to 'Keepin' It Fresh'? - I was 30 years old then, Mother. I'm 32 now!

You're high! - Oh, well, you can win every argument like that, but that does not make you right. - I need macaroons. - Oh, you're high!

You will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.

Hello? - [Screaming] Mom, you've got to stop starting conversations like that.

Who remembers about what? - [Narrator] I do.

Up yours, granny! - You couldn't handle it!

George Michael, you're going to have to be the baby of the family. - Um, Maeby's younger than me.

Not Dr. Wordsmith. - How's my son? - He's going to be all right.

You're never going in the ocean! Never! - We're here to see him. - You're my baby! I'm never letting you go!

You son of a bitch! I hate this doctor! - He's a very literal man.

How the hell would a seal know how to tie a bow tie anyway? - I can barely tie the yellow one that I wear in my act. - This one had a yellow bow tie!

Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen... please make it Gob's.

That could have something to do with the fact that a seal ate his hand. - I don't know what it is. - I think that's what it is. - Who knows? - [Narrator] It was that.

I mean, look how he zips now.

Of course they have father-daughter dances. - They do? He never took me? It was before we did your nose.

Can I open a can of soup for you? - Can it open a can? - Can what open a can? Oh, God!

Actually, I just wanted to spend some time with my Knuckle Buster.

Oh- [Bleeps] me. The exact same color. What are the odds?

Is this your son? - No, I'm his grandmother. - He's an orphan.

Well, that little bit of honesty helped nothing.

You can't fire me. I'm your son. I'm firing you! I was firing Lupe.

It's a robot. I hate it. I miss Lupe.

It's a robot. I hate it. I miss Lupe.

Not now. It's my time of the month. Not now. I don't want to risk having a baby. It could kill me.

Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act? He also said some things that African-Americany wasn't ready to hear either.

Oh, who let this little black- [Bleeps]

What am I doing in a Nordstrom bag?

Let's alternate hot and cool on that.

And yet you're too good to polish the candlesticks?

I believe there's a freeloading loser in my bed.

Your husband's dating Kitty the whore. He is? That's- That's horrible. Do I know my daughter? She only wants what she can't have.

I said 'cot.'

So say good-bye to these, because it's the last time-

And that's how long I've been depressed about him.

Narrator describes Lucille's 90s suicide attempt, followed by her dismissive 'Good for her'

Good for her.

I must have gained three pounds.

Well, that was a freebie.

There's no cabin.

Oh, it's in the dishwasher. Your father and I were using it for something.

My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael.

That's where she keeps things she has no need for.

Keeps him out of the kitchen.

Do you think he got that-- the two meanings?

I thought the Donna Karan worked; you just didn't have the right shoes.

Take a look at banner, Michael!

Buster, you should have finished the job. Job? What job? Did I say job? I meant Gob.

My God, he's already lost a hand. If he loses a leg, how will we ever get him out of the apartment?

Where's your hand? Oh, it got stuck in the prize hole again. I told you not to play that stupid game anymore. Ah! There goes number three.

- Typical. - Delicious.

- I need a drink. - I'll take an English muffin.

And Godzilla! - Godzirra! - Just sit down. - Okay, guys. - Godzirra!

- What? We're out of vodka. - Sorry. I thought you were doing Godzilla.

Who the hell to? / Who do you think? Rita. / Her? / Why?

All right, now look, just because a woman gets pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry her. Too many lives have been ruined because some cheap waitress at a HoJo said she used an IUD. / It was Stuckey's. / But I believed you.

This is funny! / He's gay! / Where's your hand? / Oh. I'm having my high school ring put on it, and my hook is stuck in the staircar.

Let's just all relax, and remind ourselves that we don't have any money. / She's already gotten our money!

You are not gonna get Rita's millions just because she's mentally challenged. / Millions? / Mentally challenged? / Shh! It's not polite.

We have got 24 hours to get them married before Michael figures out what she really is. / This the first time in two years you've sounded like George Bluth.

Show them the waffle bar, Larry. / It's over there. / And check out banner, Michael!

Yeah. With the exception of the retard thing.

I'm crazy about the little dullard.

Larry go to a mirror! / You're fired. / You're fired. / What?! / It's over.

What do you need? / Need? Why do you think I need something?

Or should I say... 'play dates.'

I don't know, does she play guitar?

Oh, good, you've already got grass. / Primo bud. Real sticky weed.

Somebody saw Seinfeld last night. / Ovarian cancer. Gee, I wonder who that was.

G.V.H.: Graft Versus Host. It's new, it's fatal, and guess who's got it?

Can you think of any benefits? / Benefits? No. He'll die.

Oh, yeah, no, I get that. But have there ever been any fund-raisers?

Did you see the attention Superman's wife got?

Who's the 'I' in that sentence? / Me. / You? / Her.

I want to cry so bad. But I don't think I can spare the moisture.

You gave him chlamydia? / He had crabs, and I said, 'You're gonna get laughs.'

We ready to have some fun? I'm so glad I didn't cry. That I didn't need to hear.

Que? What's Spanish for 'I know you speak English'?

Hello? George Michael? I'm thirsty.

I'm thirsty... Gangee.

The boy who couldn't cry. He's a robot! Michael can cry. He doesn't want to rust. Yes, he's like the steel man from The Wizard From Oz. Tin man? Is that what he's called? He knows.

You know, Mom, I think the only time you ever cooked for us, was the morning Rosa's mom died. You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

As what, a waiter? Can I get you something, madam? I will have a vodka, though. What? Oh.

Your drink, madam. Can I get you anything? Get that one out of here. As you please. But Lucille had never made eye contact with a waiter.

And maybe later you can save a little piece of tail for me. Come on! I hope that isn't the sort of humor Andy McMahon will be doing.

She glued my thumb back on. Sister's my new mother, Mother. And is it just me, or is she looking hotter, too? Well, why don't you marry her? Maybe I will!

Your father says he wants me to go all the way to Fallujah. I thought he meant the sex act that's so popular with your generation.

I know you're awake. Faker!

Yet you refer to her as a she. / He, she, what's the difference? / Hear, hear. In the dark it all looks the same.

Not another media whore. / Like to see a whore that does that! / Not the carrying the weight part, but, on the other hand, if it's free.

You know, Michael, just because you played a role, doesn't make it real. Of course, Buster did grow up to be Captain Hook.

I just pray it's one of those things where he's unconscious throughout the entire trial, and when it's over, he wakes up and gets a big toy.

Michael, how dare you? Of course it crossed my mind, but this was all Buster.

It's so good to laugh again. / Feels good. / It does. / They say seven minutes heals all wounds.

No, that's him.

And if this were the real trial, I'd cry here. I'm saving my good stuff, too.

Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit. / Oh, we're so bad!

You call him that, too? It's so nice to be able to talk like this.

Just the one who married Lindsay. / Oh, it isn't fun to talk like this?

Well, wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit.

What the hell are we supposed to do for two days. I could take the top off this grape juice and maybe by morning...

Look at that, Buster. You would have lost a hand anyway.

It's the only hair he's got. What? - He's an alpaca. - He has alopecia.

Girls just grow faster than boys. Dinner's ready. We're having Lindsay chops.

What? I want her to be prepared in case some bully at school is as clever as I am. No bully ever would be.

I'm concerned about you. Because I do not want to see... - He'll be fine. - You'll be fine.

How would it feel to lose the company to a man who has less hair on his !@%$ than I have on my !@%$#.

Adopting a child we didn't want just to stick it to a competitor? Oh, that would make us look great.

We loved her just as much as any of you normal kids. More than Gob.

So, it's embezzlement, bribery and conspiracy? And a whole lot of love. All right, and perjury.

Hot Sailors. Better yet, Hot Se... - I like Hot Sailors. - Mm, me too.

Oh, why can't they just call it May 5? This is what I was talking about. It's all part of the Mexican war on May 5.

Fill the bay with chorizo. Chorizo dump!

Well, I missed the hearing. Oh, it just snuck up on me, and then they called, and they wanted me there at eight bells. You know, I thought that was their 5:00 p.m.

It's like tipping an African-American. You wouldn't tip an African-American, would you? Of course I would. On a train? What... Did you know about all this? No, I've been tipping them.

She's fine. You're lucky we didn't have an autumn, otherwise she'd be colder. Look what they've done, George! Look what the homosexuals have done to me. A joyride. That's what they decide to do with the freedom this country has given them.

We're getting a divorce. I want to know about the stimulus package. We haven't had sex since Christmas, Michael!

You had sex seven weeks ago? They were remodeling my room, and I pulled my cot in there, just like camp. We yelled at you to leave. Yeah, but then you whispered, 'Don't pull out!'

having found a way around both the building's strict no-smoking policy... and the fact that her ankle monitor prevented her from approaching the balcony.

I have to stop. I have to stop. So... But, finally, I just ordered... pastrami shortcake, like I said, but I didn't order... I didn't order sprinkles this-- Oh, Mother, please. Please.

My wife doesn't understand me. My angel. I haven't had an orgasm outside of my bathtub in 30 years. How's that? Although, at times, I do wish it were darker.

I don't know what's going on. For some reason I'm just getting Richard Burton today. Oh, my God, what's that? That's the commode.

You're so ugly from behind.

I love it when you call my name. George! Don't call me that. Call me Father B.

If I'd told them we were taking a bunch of gays out there to get married, they'd have thrown me a parade.

At least I was able to turn my Queen around.

For 2,000 rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey.

Turn him around three times and put him in Fullerton, he won't know the difference.

Buster? No, no. I won't... I won't hear of it. It could kill him. I meant Gob.

Hey, you've changed, you big (bleep). You're acting like a little girl lately. And not in the good way.

Yesterday, you were amazing. Georgie, I can't stop thinking about it. You haven't been like that in years.

♪ Happy birthday, Mr. President... ♪ I-I don't want to be Mr. President.

Oh, great, looks like we've got another high-end hooker in here. Oh, thank you, Mother.

Put a 'Y' on there. 'Nosy.' And you should be thanking me for that. You looked like a can opener.

I'll be out on parole by the time you work up a tear.

Just goes to show, the apple does not far from the tree fall. I am like you nothing.

Your 3:00 p.m. hot rock massage is open. Thanks for coming, sweetheart.

In case you didn't know, the stage adds seven pounds. - Two words: diet pills.

Their bark is louder than the dogs they eat back home

Anyone who comes after me is going to be one unfortunate cookie

I made a pun

Full steam, boys!

you're usually as hard to miss as Liberace wearing a fright wig

maybe I should turn back and show you another bird

Coming about, boys!

Correction: it's a glare

This toast has hook holes... again! I told you to get rid of that thing; it's hideous.

what's gonna happen when they swear you in? You're gonna rip the Bible in half. The jury will love that.

Make it an eel. It's gonna be an eel! Better.

I'm staring at a hundred years in the face! How dare you.

It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness. Star witness. And are you threatening yourself?

And he's supposed to be the good one

Like your pre-surgery chin. Or your post-breakfast drink.

Your pillow must look like a Rorschach test. Not that there'd be anyone to see it.

Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space

A $20 gratuity is appreciated?

The same girl who hands me towels does the cavity checks. You tip.

That's a gang? I thought they were tech support.

Your move, Olive Garden

My God, he Steamboat Willied it

I'm as normal as blueberry pie

You look as swishy as Ryan Seacrest. Ryan Seacrest is straight. And I'm 40!

He thinks that horrible monster looks like me! So fine, you want to call me a villain, I accept it! I'm your villain!

Take to the sea!

♪ My heart is in pain / I just want to flee / From me. ♪

Gene! He does this to me every time! What's he doing here, Mom? I thought he was that guy.

She missed a step. Tell her she missed a step. She can't do it like that.

BabyTock promotional video where George Michael appears as a test baby

Uh, well, that's impossible... To deny.

Right to the smokes, huh? Give me a minute. Let me catch my breath

Half your testicle was hanging out of that thing. Good! I'm glad they saw it

And keep your ball joke to yourself, Andrew Dice Clay

You're a hot mess! You're a hot mess!

I hope your juicy blender bender was worth it

Who did Larry Kert replace in Company? I don't know. I know who he thought he was replacing, and it was Dean Jones. But he didn't come close

This looks like you're pointing to a place that buys your gold

It's as if they wrote that song for my own son

Hamster or turtle? No, Mother. Hamsters are gross. It's a female. Human. Female human. Whole thing

That little bald one there with the fringed cut-offs who... Yay! Oh,. It's you.

That little bald one there with the fringed cut-offs who... Yay! Oh. It's you.

My daughter is divorcing you. This is it. I'm confused by the word 'it.' I'm confused by the word 'anymore.'

I always say, 'Make people cry, make people cry.'

Which was my idea! And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. That is a clever twist.

Now that the original Michael's back, I suppose we don't need two hands-on-our-hips, pipe-up-our-rectum scolds.

so cruelly served to me from the back seat of my car by someone who thought I was a Lyft driver. Could have been the pink mustache.

Family of the Month. Year?! Are you for... Mother Family of the Mother Year! Of the year.

I've never been less ashamed of her. Did I say what I think I said?

It was during the 1992 African-American riots, and they had every right. Every right. Every right.

Were we supposed to lose our precious daughter-in-law and a couple hundred grand in the same year?

That totally lovely Rita. Uh, she was a smart cookie, that one.

H-Honestly, I never thought you'd get past the guard gate.

Care to join me for a glass of breakfast wine?

They'll have to pry it out of your cold, dead hands.

You're running to fill a House seat, not a sofa.

Look who grew out of her sheet. I thought about it.

He tickles my fancy. Your what? Is the... What part of Mom is the fancy?

The opening of the eyes is, uh, a bit of a guestimate lately.

there's not a lot of 75-year-old women who got a body like this. You know? I don't think that's bragging.

I've heard things about what's really going on in that Grinch movie he made. You know, that anti-Christmas thing, with the Who-ish people?

Lottie-Dottie-DA? Oh, she's a shark, Michael.

The 4th of July parade is on the 2nd? Yes. They moved it because they don't want the Hispanics to get even by using up all the supplies a day early like we do with Cinco.

It's just so mundane. I don't want to bore everyone. It's just so mundane. I'll get out of your hair.

I will not let that woman steal everything I've taken from her.

If you could tear anything in two, you'd still have a shot at me.

Well, I'm not going to be the one who apologizes, if that's what you're waiting for. - Well, I'm sorry, but... - Apology accepted.

Half-man? Jon Cryer. Oh.

It's on the second this year.

I don't want to tell you what I had to give the warden to make that happen. I don't want to hear it.

Please tell me you prepared a few 'against her wills.'

Oh, my gosh. I do miss that wit, Mother. It's Mrs. Bluth. I wasn't joking.

Well, you're no stranger to stuffing tissue places when you don't have the goods.

Tobias, and if it isn't... what is it again? - LeTrasha? - Hello, again. Those last few teeth aren't going without a fight, are they?

The only acting this one's good at is feigning interest in her drug dealer's hobbies. You do see a lot of aquariums.

I did three years in prison because of Buster. - He can do a few weeks for me.

He can do a few weeks for me.

Why do we have to have a party every time someone in this family is released from prison? - Tradition.

Like that god-awful thing you used to make me do on your birthday. Cook?

Not in front of the grandkids. I don't want them to know about the shady business scams - We lied to investors, so we have no product and we're two million dollars in debt.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. My name isn't on anything.

Oh, speaking of maniacs, let's watch this again.

Well, it's not you!

He's got a lot of spunk. I like that on a guy.

You took me for Chinese. The Italian place was the first time I caught you with your secretary, and you asked, 'How did you ever find me?' ♪ How did you ever find me? ♪

I want you, Lucille. In what way, George? Sexually? Yes. Sexual-ish-ly.

Look, here's the deal. - I can't... get hard. I... - Live without me. It's really getting hard, uh, to live without you.

He didn't say a word until we fired the wet nurse. He didn't stop talking about that for three years. - Until we caved.

Only because Michael drives an electric car. Trust me, the whole 'trying to kill yourself' thing, turn off.

My left, your right. Your left, my right. My right, your right. My right, my left.

Justin Be-Bear is seven... that was, like, seven years ago.

Drink-A-Juice and there's Paint-A-Plate and Build-A-Bear

Now, admittedly, he's not 28 anymore, but... No, you're right.

But don't you think he would've smelled me by now? Oh, good point. Maybe the Popcorn Plantation is masking your scent.

Didn't I used to have one? Yes, but it was real.

Have you guys even tried, uh, just unclamping? Are you kidding me? We didn't even check.

How much fun would that be? What are you, nuts?

I think I can eat a piece of fish without giving away how I loathe you.

We went for sushi last night, and he never touched his fork. Well, a little bit for the rice. It's the hard part. But not when the guy was looking.

That doesn't look like a mouth to you?

There's Chinese Romneys? No, the only Romneys are the Mexican Romneys. Well, and the regular Romneys.

I wish her voice weren't so grating. Oh, that voice! Shrillary.

God, who even remembers now? Saddam Hussein.

Lucille: 'It was like the opposite of Pinocchio. I swear, I think my nose got smaller.'

It must be something in these cigarettes.

It's not a dog collar. It's Buster's Gentleman Collar.

This is what happens when you're rich and white in America.

Don't you try to pin this on Lupe. She had her own family to raise, too.

raised by a young mother who had him at 17, whose only flaw was that... she loved him... too much. Actually, I was 37.

Right. With him, you knew where you stood. Or... Or couldn't.

This is why we never told you about the beach house, Michael. Uh, can I add something? This is why we never told you about the beach house.

A little more Magnum, PI, a little less Higgins.

Is that Stan Sitwell's eyebrow?

Get that off your face, you horse's ass.

They didn't have one with a boy doing push-ups.

Actually, I'm Chuck's son. No. You're little CJ?

Just because you have an African-American left hand, all of a sudden you're Ray Charles?

And I thought you Alibabaed one that was less... threatening.

Mine's chained to a bench. So, in that sense, he's an overachiever.

I... I'm talking about Buster.

How rich is this sand hobo?

Look who thinks they can wear white.

But where did the confetti come from? From Michael's hat. Honestly, these are so easy.

Honestly, I don't know how Tap-Dancing Ghost doesn't take the whole thing.

And as much juice as you want tonight. Tonight, you get juice.

I mean, I've cheated on you a thousand times. I mean, almost makes up for the permanent damage you did to my endocrine system.

Oh, it's so dark in here. Hello? I can hear you breathing. Oh, so you did know I was coming. Good for you, getting a head start.

Just that I only ever seem to create or attract them.

My bad!

Gene Parmesan? Doesn't seem like he's here. That's impossible. He's a private detective. He'd never be late. Well, has anyone checked under the... new bailiff?

Gene Parmesan. [SHRIEKS] Gene! That never gets old!

I did it, but nothing's gonna happen to me 'cause I'm just a boy. Can you say it again? ...but nothing's gonna happen to me 'cause I'm a boy. I wish I hadn't finished that juice.

Look at you, milking this for every moment. Isn't this classic Michael? We make fun of him all the time. Right, Gob?

are you going for one of your Few Good Men moments?

Oh, God, are you going for one of your Few Good Men moments?

Nice humblebrag.

Never say that! Gob is the worst. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

People with liberal-tardation.

Oh, the protesters. I don't know who let these libtards in here. I beg your pardon? People with liberal-tardation.

According to the succeeding New York Times, Donald Trump doesn't even have a... a chance of winning that election. Oh, I don't know, don't count out his likability.