Michael attempts to have a one-night stand with an attorney whom he doesn't know is not only blind, but the prosecutor who is trying to put his father in jail. Also, Gob gets married on a dare, Maeby pretends to be a girl with a made up disease, and George Sr.'s admirer turns out to be an undercover SEC agent who has truly fallen for him.
Wedding chaos delivers 56 jokes in 22 minutes, mostly character-driven dark subversion.
Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar · Written by Barbie Adler
WAR
126.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Altar Egos” ranks #46 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 94.6 — Elite. The episode packs 85 scored jokes at 3.3 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.4 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
Gob · Michael: Gob: 'Michael, a magician never reveals his...' / '...I sunk it! I sunk the yacht!'
Michael · Gob: 'You sank a $700,000 yacht?' / 'It's $900,000 worth of insurance on it. And got rid of the evidence. How about a "good job"?'
Michael Gob Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Lindsay · Michael: Lindsay: 'I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60/40.' / Michael: '55/55.' / Lindsay: 'Deal.'
Maeby · Michael: Maeby: 'Um, well, if he's not here, I'd just have to say he's probably on the yacht.'
Tobias · George Sr.: Tobias: 'You painted your shoes red.' / 'Call me the Tin Man. I'm a Friend of Dorothy's now. And she wants to see you.'
All Jokes — 85 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Narrator · George Michael · Gob: Narrator sets up spring break in Newport Beach as George Michael spends time with his uncle — cut to Gob doing a bad card trick shirtless
Gob · George Michael: Gob misidentifies the card ('eight of diamonds') and then when corrected ('queen of diamonds') says 'No, no, no. I had... But if that had been the actual card...'
Gob · George Michael · Michael: 'I'm still kind of tweaking my nipples... The presentation was great.' / 'Hey. Whoa!'
Michael · George Michael: Michael: 'George Michael, you should get to school.' / 'No, we're off for two weeks.' — Michael doesn't know about spring break
Gob · Michael: Spring break! It's my favorite holiday. Nothing gets me more excited. / 'I can see that. You might wanna button that shirt up.' / 'No, I'm good.'
Gob · Narrator: Flashback: Gob on a youth-oriented music network announcing he will make a yacht disappear in one year — crowd goes wild
George Michael · Narrator: 'He hasn't done it, and you're holding a four of spades in your hand.' / 'I don't care. I'm loving the ride, you know?'
Michael · Gob: Michael: 'It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you. And you don't even realize it.' / 'Michael, I'm a magi...' / 'I see what you did.'
Michael Gob Meta/Self-Referential Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Michael · Kitty: Michael: 'Kitty, these are not the files I asked for.' / Kitty: 'Oh, then I don't know what I shredded.'
Michael · Kitty: 'Have you had a chance to type up that report yet?' / 'No, I have been Googling your father.' / 'So I've heard.'
Michael · Lindsay: Discussing inheritance: 'Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline, but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.'
Lindsay · Michael: Lindsay: 'I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60/40.' / Michael: '55/55.' / Lindsay: 'Deal.'
Narrator: Narrator: 'Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.'
Narrator Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement Callback Tobias · George Sr.: Tobias in prison: 'I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.' / 'But didn't you come here to research the nature of fear?'
George Sr. · Tobias: 'There's only one man I've ever called coward. That's Brian Doyle-Murray.' / 'What I'm calling you... is a television actor.' / 'Ouch.'
Lindsay · Maeby · Narrator: Lindsay and Maeby arrive at 'Nana's' — it's not Nana. 'A fact that took Lindsay and Maeby an hour and a half to ascertain.'
Lindsay · Maeby: 'Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album!' / 'We're not in the photo album!' / 'Drop the pie!'
Kitty · Michael: Kitty: 'Much better. Man, I was really stuffed up there!' — gesturing below her chin, Michael looks up
Kitty · Narrator: Narrator explains Kitty wasn't included in a Girls With Low Self-Esteem video the previous spring break — shown producer saying 'We got all the good stuff here'
Michael · Kitty: Kitty: 'Break? You were just out.' / 'That was my sick leave. This is vacation.'
Kitty · Michael: Kitty describes going to Senor Tadpoles 'having a margarita made in my mouth' — Michael: 'There will be no margarita in your mouth!' / Kitty: 'Oh, yes, there absolutely will be a margarita in my mouth!'
Kitty · Michael: Kitty flashes Michael during the argument: 'Put the shirt back down and keep on moving.'
Kitty · Michael: Kitty: 'I work for your father. You don't have the hiring and firing power.' — after being fired
Kitty: Kitty flashes the restaurant: 'But take a good look, 'cause it's the last time!'
Kitty Running Gag Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback George Michael: George Michael, at work: 'That's the seventh nipple I've seen today.'
George Sr. · Michael: George Sr. on Kitty's chest: 'Oh, my God, you paid for those, didn't you?' — implying he paid for Kitty's implants
George Sr.: George Sr.: 'I even enjoyed firing my own twin brother. You should have seen his face when he was begging me not to. Well, he's my twin brother. I can show you.'
George Sr. Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch George Sr. · Michael: Reaction beat: George Sr. imitates his twin brother's begging face for Michael
George Sr. · Michael: 'Oh, God, there's nothing to hold on to down there. You're like a boy.'
George Sr. · Michael: 'All these books are cooked!' / 'I'm sorry. I gotta do my job.' / 'And I gotta get out of prison.'
George Sr.: 'Next time someone threatens me, I may not have a son-in-law to offer.' — corrects to 'offer me counseling'
Tobias · Narrator: Narrator: Tobias 'produced a videotape... but its brief success was due to its misleading name. Once discovered, all but 10 of the videos were returned.'
Lucille: Lucille: 'There's just absolutely no purse that will go with this outfit.' — while in a prison visiting room
Lucille Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Lucille · Annyong · Buster: 'You've got a little pocket there, Annyong.' / 'Annyong.' / 'That's not getting old.'
Lucille: Lucille describes her dead mother as if she's alive and on a cruise: 'She just came back from a wonderful costume party the captain threw. She gained 10 pounds — there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74!'
Lucille Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Narrator · Lucille: Narrator: 'In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.'
Lucille: Lucille: 'She tried pesto for the first time. Can you believe that? Ninety-two years old and she never tried pesto.'
Lucille Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille · Annyong: Annyong emery board: Lucille uses Annyong as a living accessory, handing him an emery board. 'Isn't he great? And he goes with everything.'
Gob · George Michael · Unknown Woman: Gob instructing a woman: 'If you'll be so kind as to expose your breast, please.' — George Michael walks in
Michael · Gob: Michael: 'What the hell are you doing?' / Gob: 'Dad, it's misdirection. You're supposed to keep your eye on the shirt in the hat.'
Michael · Buster · George Michael: 'Buddy, what are you doing here?' / 'I'm dying to see how he makes this yacht disappear.' / 'He's not going to make the yacht disappear. I told him that.' / 'It's driving me crazy. It's like a mind puzzle, an awesome mind puzzle.'
Gob · Michael: 'Don't worry. He's gonna be covered with a blue dot. He approached me.' — Gob about George Michael being in a Girls With Low Self-Esteem video
Gob · Michael: Gob post-intimacy becomes 'really girlie' — 'He's my brother, and he's never even said 'Good job.' I just want him to love me, you know?' Michael: 'Wow, you get really girlie after, huh?'
Gob · Michael: Gob after sex: 'Wow, you get really girlie after, huh?' — Michael ignores this
Tobias · White Power Bill: Tobias doing therapy on White Power Bill: 'Yes, but where does the hate come from, Bill? What causes it?' / 'The Jews, I guess.' / 'Sure. But I think you need to look deeper.'
Tobias: Tobias: 'I know what it's like to have a father, or, in my case, a father-in-law, who doesn't respect you.' Then: 'Anyhoo, we have very little time before this, uh, 4:00 pounding you promised me.'
Tobias Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Tobias · White Power Bill: Tobias's breakthrough therapy: 'I think you hate White Power Bill!' / 'I hate you!' / 'You hate White Power Bill!' / 'I hate the government!' / 'You hate White Power Bill!' / 'I hate my father!'
Tobias · White Power Bill · George Sr.: 'I hate White Power Bill.' — White Power Bill attacks someone / 'I got a prisoner down! Prisoner down!' / 'You killed him.' / 'Like Dorothy. The Wicked Witch is dead.' / 'All hail Dorothy!'
Kitty · Michael: Kitty to Michael at restaurant: 'Who are you asking back, Michael? Me? Or these?'
Michael · Kitty: Kitty: 'I never really left, because we both know that you can't fire people.' / Michael: 'No, I did fire you, and now I'm hiring you back.' / 'You don't have authority over me.' / 'They don't have nachos here.'
Kitty · Michael: Kitty: 'Did you hear that, everyone? Michael Bluth is threatening me!' — then: 'I've gotta get out of here. I'm a part of the story. I can't be a part of the story.'
Kitty: Kitty: 'And say good-bye to these.' / Then flashes the restaurant / 'Cause it's the last time.'
Kitty Running Gag Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Narrator: News chyron/narrator: 'A woman shows all during a fracas at a local restaurant, sources say.'
Narrator Irony/Sarcasm Meta/Self-Referential Callback Michael · George Michael: Michael: 'Isn't this much more fun, working with your Dad?' — George Michael's dead-eyed non-response
George Michael · George Sr.: George Michael answers phone: 'Good afternoon. Bluth Company.' / 'Talk you off? Talk you off what, Pop-Pop?'
Michael · George Michael: Michael: 'What did he say?' / George Michael: 'If I clean it up, it's not really a sentence.'
George Sr.: George Sr. calls someone: 'Kitty's on the loose. I need you to make something disappear for me... just some books in that cooler marked Maddas.'
Tobias · George Sr.: Tobias: 'You painted your shoes red.' / 'Call me the Tin Man. I'm a Friend of Dorothy's now. And she wants to see you.'
Lindsay · Michael · Lucille: Michael asks about Nana; Lindsay: 'I think Mom sent her to a nursing home, some gray, windowless room... against her will.' — cut to Lucille on phone
George Michael · Maeby · Michael: Michael asks George Michael how the weather is — George Michael answers 'Nice. Sunny.' — then Maeby plants the idea to sneak on the yacht without Michael noticing
Maeby · George Michael: Maeby: 'The only real way to find out how it's done is to sneak on the boat while he does it.' / George Michael: 'But if he makes it disappear, won't everyone see me standing there?' / 'Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.'
Gob · George Michael: Gob suddenly remembers his promise to Michael and sends George Michael away: 'None of your damn business. Get the hell out of here!' / 'You don't have the magic in you! You never did!'
Gob · George Michael: 'So take a look. It's the last time you're gonna see these.' / George Michael: 'Sorry, kid, more than you'll ever...' / 'What?' / 'Beat it!'
George Sr. · Tobias · Narrator: George Sr. visits Tobias in prison — the man 'he once tried to shove out of a moving car'
George Sr. · Tobias: George Sr.: 'I thought the two of us could talk, man-on-man.' / Tobias: 'I'm afraid I'm serious.'
George Sr. · Tobias: George Sr. gives Tobias tea in prison: 'Remember to let it steep for five minutes.' / 'Oh, dear God.'
George Sr. · Tobias: George Sr.: 'I've been in this family for 16 years and I don't think we've ever had a conversation.' / Tobias: 'I'm not gonna discuss this.' / 'You hate me.' / 'Yeah, I do hate you. You took my daughter...'
Tobias · George Sr.: Tobias therapy-talks George Sr.: 'Fear has turned into hate. So Frightened Inmate #2 isn't frightened at all. He's angry. He's a crabby old coot... and he needs love, just like everyone.' / George Sr.: 'Get your... hands off of me.' / Tobias: 'Shh. Don't be scared.'
Tobias · George Sr.: Tobias's diagnosis of George Sr.: 'He's a crabby old coot, and he needs love, just like everyone.' Then hugs George Sr. while George Sr. says 'Get your hands off of me.' Tobias: 'Shh. Don't be scared.'
Lucille: Lucille arrives at the magic show: 'We just got here. I couldn't find my keys. I can never find anything in here.' — she has an enormous bag
Lucille Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Gob: Gob at the magic show: 'Where once there was a yacht, now there is naught!'
Gob Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Gob · Michael: Gob: 'Michael, a magician never reveals his...' / '...I sunk it! I sunk the yacht!'
Michael · Gob: 'You sank a $700,000 yacht?' / 'It's $900,000 worth of insurance on it. And got rid of the evidence. How about a "good job"?'
Michael Gob Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Family · Lindsay: 'You killed Nana!' / 'She's lying! Nana wasn't on that yacht. She's fine. She's been dead for six months.'
Lucille · Banker: Lucille to banker: 'There must be somewhere I can put this money where it can't be touched.' / 'I suppose you could keep it in your purse.' / 'Very funny, but I'm not carrying a purse.'
Lucille · Annyong: Lucille: 'It's in a trust fund for Annyong.' / 'Annyong.' / 'No one can touch it but me, and I retain control of it until he's 18.'
Lindsay: Lindsay: 'I don't know what's more offensive — the fact you didn't tell us about our grandmother's death or that you sunk a $700,000 yacht!'
Lindsay Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Lucille: Lucille: 'Stop lecturing me. I just lost my mother.' — after lying about her mother for months
Lucille Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Maeby · Michael: Maeby: 'Um, well, if he's not here, I'd just have to say he's probably on the yacht.'
George Michael: Phone: 'Bluth Company. George Michael speaking, not Kitty.'
Michael · George Michael: Michael fires George Michael from the office to give him a real spring break: 'You're fired.' / 'Really? Can you fire people?' / 'Yeah. Go have a spring break.'
Michael · Narrator: Michael: 'She'll turn up.' — about missing Kitty — cut to Kitty apparently having been grabbed for evidence
George Michael · Michael: Michael: 'Are you sure you're gonna be okay without Kitty?' George Michael: 'Don't you worry. She'll turn up.' [Long pause as Kitty is actually missing]
Lupe · Annyong · Narrator: On the Next Arrested Development: 'Lupe makes a startling discovery. Oh, so that makes Annyong 18.'
Police Officer · Michael · Narrator: 'On the Next AD': Michael is questioned about Kitty's disappearance. 'She showed her knobs in the steakhouse, sir.' — police using 'knobs' as official terminology
Top Episodes — Arrested Development
