Barry Zuckerkorn

Barry:Barry to Lucille: 'You look great in red. Okay.' — a completely incongruous compliment in the middle of a serious legal crisis

Barry:Barry reveals he hasn't read the plea bargain he just praised and urged the family to take

Barry:Barry's non-sequitur announcement at a family legal strategy meeting: "F.Y.I., I'm trying to get back into the dating world."

Barry:"Is that a shot at me? 'Cause that makes me want to read it less." — Barry, about reading the plea

Gob · Barry:Gob can't get an annulment because he didn't consummate the marriage — but insists he did, for his own dignity

Barry:Barry hasn't read the evidence file because 'I had a really interesting date last night. A woman who actually works two jobs.'

Barry · George Sr.:I think I'm gonna say that I signed myself out about 10 minutes ago. / You're right. You can't afford to get caught. I don't need my lawyer in prison. We'll have Gob break in.

Barry · Narrator:On the next Arrested Development: Barry gets a sign from God. / I will obey your will. I will lead a good life. / Well, the hell with this then!

Barry:Barry: 'Are you nuts? Not without a better lawyer.' — re: polygraph

Barry · Michael · Maeby:Barry: 'I do think that we should lie.' / Michael: 'We don't lie in this family.' Maeby's soda errand used to avoid her hearing Michael lie

Barry:Barry: 'Lo siento.' — after Maeby calls out that they need a better attorney

Barry:Barry: 'I think something laid eggs on me.'

Gob · Michael · George Sr. · Barry:Gob: 'I won't do it. I'm afraid of what I might know.' Michael: 'You? No one wants you. Does anyone want him?' / 'Who would want him?' / 'They don't want you.' Gob: 'Good.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Oh! Barry. Did you talk to a doctor?' Michael: 'I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? Where the hell did I get that?'

Barry:Barry Zuckerhorn shows Michael what appears to be a rash or growth: 'Does this look contagious to you?'

Barry:Barry: 'Then you might wind up on his cot.' [After Michael says he doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps]

Barry:Barry on the Iraq housing charges: 'Man, that jury's gonna fall in love with you.' [Re: the video of Lucille about to enlist her son in the Army]

George Michael · Barry:George Michael asks Barry if he can 'divorce' his parents; Barry says it's called emancipation but he'd need to prove an 'unstable environment' — then notes both parents are trying to have affairs.

Barry · Narrator:Barry: 'The will is at my office, next to the hot plate with the frayed wires.' — followed by narrator: 'In fact, Barry had lost George Sr.'s will.'

Tobias · Barry:Barry (looking at Lindsay): 'Let me ask Barry. That might be enough right there.'

Barry:Barry: 'I cannot believe it! And I just found the will!' — holding it up triumphantly just as the crisis has completely moved on.

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Can I have a moment alone with my client, please?' [to Jarvis and aide] 'Did you follow any of that?' Michael then explains the obvious deal being offered. Barry: 'Do you know where your father is? No, wait, don't tell me now. Okay, if you know, give me a high five.'

Barry:Barry: 'Well, if he's got a shot with her, just give me a little tap on the fanny.'

Barry:Barry: 'Just trust me. I'm a lot more competent than you can imagine.' Immediately forgets the tinfoil on his Ding-Dong: 'Oh, I forgot to take the tinfoil off, too. I really wanted that.'

Wayne Jarvis · Barry · Michael:Wayne Jarvis: 'Michael, when we started talking to you, we didn't have anything. But now... we got something. And you're going to do time for it.' Michael: 'Those are the pictures?' Barry: 'They're all over the news.' Michael: 'Those are balls.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'This close, they always look like landscape.' / Michael: 'Nope, you're looking at balls.'

Barry:Barry: 'I'll tell you one thing you don't want to do is buy stock in the L.A. Kings.'

Barry:Barry: 'I thought you had four. Oh, you mean a real one.' (regarding Michael wanting a car)

Michael · Barry:Michael dictating a letter to investors, Barry suggests perfect wording, then: 'Uh, yeah. Wh-What you just said was perfect. Why do you want me to write it?' Michael: 'Just send it out on your stationery. And do it quickly. I have a car to buy.'

Barry:Barry: 'That's what they said on AskJeeves.'

Barry · Michael · Gob:The hostile company is called 'Standpoor' — 'as in the opposite of Sitwell... which is run by a hairless man who could be very upset with you right now.' Michael: 'What would he have to be upset with me about?' [beat] 'You're wearing his eyebrows?'

Barry:On the next: Barry after winning the Kings settlement: 'I've wanted a small family restaurant since I got the Kings settlement.' Questioner: 'It still has the dungeon area, right?'

Barry:Barry: 'A waitress that works there is claiming that by eating Skip's Scramble several times a week is making her a fatty.' — Barry's current case introduced.

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Oh, well, I got Michael out of his marriage, didn't I?' Michael: 'Actually, she died.' Barry: 'You're kidding. I've been taking credit for that for years.' / 'Credit?'

Barry:Barry about opposing counsel: 'I have Chinese with him every Friday night at Miss Temple's.' Then: 'He's tough.'

Gob · Barry:Gob: 'I just want my wife back.' Barry: 'Save it for the stand, okay, Tom Jane?'

Barry · Narrator:Barry: 'You know who's defending the fatty? Maggie Lizer.' — introducing Maggie as the opposing counsel in the fat suit case.

Barry:Barry: 'Tell you the truth, I preferred it when she was blind.' — said about opposing counsel Maggie Lizer.

Barry:Maggie's client (the 'fatty') wins over the jury by being visibly sympathetic. Barry: 'Oh, I'm cooked. They love her.'

Barry · Narrator:[On the Next] Barry: 'The fat girl in my Skip Church's case? Not fat. The attorney bought her a fat suit.' / 'I've got another case. Maggie is suing you for paternity.'

Barry · Michael:Barry the lawyer: 'She's in the bar. What a spanking I gave her in court today.' Then he spanks Michael. Michael: 'Did you spank her?' Barry: 'No!'

Maggie · Barry · Loretta:Maggie in court reveals Loretta is wearing a fat suit, then rips it off — and Loretta is actually just fat. Barry: 'Wow. Did I lose this one.'

Judge · Barry:Judge: 'Mr. Zuckerkorn, you've been warned about touching.' Barry: 'You said spanking.' Judge: 'I want this case thrown out immediately.'

Barry:Barry: 'The seal? Must've had a tracking device on it. Someone tracked it all the way to a dock in Dana Point.'

Barry · Gob:Barry reveals the tracking device led to a shark, not the seal — 'the shark must've bitten off the part of the seal with the tracking device on it' — and Gob observes: 'So the seal lost his hand too.'

Barry:'Yeah, poor guy's probably out there without a flipper, swimming around in a circle, freaking out his whole family.'

Barry · Gob · Michael:'That tracking device tells me he was raised in captivity. There's no way he stood a chance out in the real world.' / 'See that? He was a victim too.' / 'You both were too sheltered to learn how to protect yourselves.'

Barry:Barry to Gob: 'Your job is to convince that "wife" of yours...' — he uses air quotes around 'wife'

Barry:Barry: 'That's why I want to settle. I'm not super prepared.'

Barry · Gob:Barry: 'And you don't want to go in front of that judge. I caught him in a drag club.' / Gob: 'What were you doin' there?' / Barry: 'Wow. You should be the lawyer.'

Gob · Barry · Judge:Gob's 'lucky break' in the 'on the next': Judge looks at compromising photo and says 'There's no way to tell who this man is.' / Then Gob: 'That's me, Your Honor. I — [bleep] my wife.' / Barry: 'We really lost this case.'

Police Officer · Barry · Michael:Police officer: 'Are those balls? 'Cause the last time we were here, they were balls.' / 'These are not balls.' Michael: 'I wish they were balls.'

Barry:I wish they were balls.

Barry · Michael:Barry shows up with $250,000 and a passport for George Sr. — '...Just a passport.' 'Well, I was up for so long.'

Barry · Michael:Michael fires Barry. Barry: 'You're my only client. What am I supposed to do now? Turn tricks on the street? How much do you think I can get for that? What about making out? $50, or is that just L.A.?'

Barry:Barry continues: 'What about making out? $50, or is that just L.A.? Am I just...'

Lindsay · Tobias · Barry:Lindsay catches Tobias with (fake) Kitty: 'Get your hands off my husband, Kitty.' Then: 'I want a divorce.' Barry: 'And I would be thrilled to represent either one of you. That'll be $50.'

Barry · Maeby:Barry the lawyer: 'After 21, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in the state of California. As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk.' 'What, do they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can't even see into the locker rooms from there.'

Barry · Maeby:Barry: 'Oh, well, that's easy. You get something incriminating on him.' Maeby: 'Yeah, well, maybe I'll just keep a record of it, too, so I can follow up with my own bill.' Barry: 'Oh, very good. You should be the lawyer. Very good. Pro bono.'

Barry:Tell you what is hard beyond belief. My God, I wish you could get a feel on these two things that Joni's got going over here. They're like two geodes! You can feel them. I can't. My go-to joke is that these are the best two things John Beard's money can buy.

Barry:Barry is in the prison shower: 'And the inmates hate me, 'cause what is a defense attorney doing in the shower?'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Legally, it's the only place they can't record you when you talk to inmates.' / Michael: 'I don't think that's true.' / Barry: 'Really?' / Michael: 'I got the worst clients.'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'I prefer things face-to-face.' / Michael (aside): 'Less chance of a misunderstanding.'

Barry · Michael · Bluth Family:Barry arrives at the party: 'You guys, you are the best! This is so wonderful!' Everyone expects Buster. 'Barry? Where's Buster?' / 'In jail.' / 'Is this your cover just to throw me this party?'

Michael · Barry:'So, you're saying I paid to bail you out?' / 'You weren't gonna leave me there, were you?' / 'I did not know you were in jail.' / 'That's why I like to do things face-to-face, okay? Understood.'

Michael · Barry:Michael accidentally bails out the family attorney instead of Buster

Barry · Michael:Barry asking 'Couldn't you embe... Borrow from your company?' and then suggesting George Michael's company

Barry:Barry: 'You don't have the courtesy to wait until I'm disbarred?'

Barry:Barry: 'I was gonna use your divorce to pay off my peekaboo lawyer.'

Barry:Barry: 'Yeah, Lottie Dottie DA, my asshole.'

Barry · Michael:Barry asking whether the press blackout covers 'scripted' shows as well as reality — 'Why would there be a scripted about the family?'

Barry · Michael:Barry: 'Weren't you working on one with Ron Howard?' — the Ron Howard docuseries meta-reveal

Michael · Buster · Barry:What's the beach cottage? / I found out, Buster. / Oh. / What a relief. / Yeah. / I almost said 'the cottage.' I changed it to 'ing on the beach.' / It's 'frolicking.' / 'Frolicking.'

Barry:If they're listening, just say 'dogshit.'

Barry:Know what's funny? In the 30 years that I've represented this family, that is the first time anyone has said 'good j...' Well, listen.

Barry · Lucille:A good lie is head in a box, but they wanted to go with something real, so we went with the evidence they actually had. / This is real? / Yeah, and he doesn't want to use the best part, the two heads. One spiky, one bald. / Lucille 2 and Oscar. / That idiot.

Barry · Lucille:Yeah, and he doesn't want to use the best part, the two heads. One spiky, one bald. — Lucille 2 and Oscar.

Barry · Narrator:He's going to Father B's. / Which, to Barry, could only mean one thing. / I have time for an ice cream.

Michael · Barry · George Michael:Three, four, five, six, seven, eight flat tires? / Yeah. / Who do we sue? / You, until we find out who put down the spike strips.

Barry:Oh! I should have led with this. I have been officially disbarred. I can't handle Buster's case or anybody under 25. Saves me an awkward conversation.