Barry Zuckerkorn

Well, I didn't read it. I just got it yesterday.

F.Y.I., I'm trying to get back into the dating world.

Hey, you're not one of those silly men that's dressed like a woman, are you?

No, baby. I'm the real thing.

Is that a shot at me? 'Cause that makes me want to read it less.

You can only get an annulment if you haven't consummated the marriage first. - Well, I guess I'll just stay married then... because we all know that I closed that deal, right?

We've got Lizer.

I had a really interesting date last night. A woman who actually works two jobs.

Well, the hell with this then!

OOH! CHILLS. WHY DO I KEEP GETTING THESE BRUISES?

IF I LIE IN FRONT OF HER, IT COSTS ME 50 BUCKS. I DO THINK THAT WE SHOULD LIE.

ARE YOU NUTS? NOT WITHOUT A BETTER LAWYER.

LO SIENTO. I HATE BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.

I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? Where the hell did I get that?

No, I know, I now. Everybody says, 'Leave it alone, leave it alone.' Does this look contagious to you? Hey, kiddo.

Oh, man, I wish you hadn't said Phoenix.

I can't seem to give this away.

Did you follow any of that? Yeah, he's hinting that he's going to grant me immunity, but only on the condition that I turn in my father.

If you know, give me a high five.

If he's got a shot with her, just give me a little tap on the fanny.

I'm a lot more competent than you can imagine. Oh, I forgot to take the tinfoil off, too. I really wanted that.

Maybe a puck hit me. It could happen.

I'll tell you one thing you don't want to do is buy stock in the L.A. Kings.

Why do you want me to write it?

You can't see it. I just winked.

- That's what they said on AskJeeves. - All right, who's the majority shareholder now? - A company called Standpoor.

I've wanted a small family restaurant since I got the Kings settlement. It still has the dungeon area, right?

Actually, she died. - You're kidding. I've been taking credit for that for years. - Credit?

Save it for the stand, okay, Tom Jane?

Go get 'em. - He spanked me! - Did you spank her? - No!

[Spanks] - Ooh, I did good today.

What are you doing? - Okay, so she's fat. - Your Honor, this is an outrage! - Wow. Did I lose this one.

Oh, no! My water just broke! - Quickly, Your Honor. Quickly throw it out.

Up top. No?

Left flipper. - So, the seal lost his hand too. Yeah, poor guy's probably out there without a flipper... swimming around in a circle, freaking out his whole family.

What were you doin' there? - Wow. You should be the lawyer.

You're my only client. What am I supposed to do now? Turn tricks on the street?

How much do you think I can get for that, by way? $50, or is that just L.A.?

And I would be thrilled to represent either one of you. That'll be $50.

I'm wondering if we shouldn't have a plan in regards to bookkeeping, in case we accidentally make a mistake or get caught. What if we were to become a... an-an... an NLC? A 'No Liability Corporation.' We just have no liability, just nothing...

Take to the sea! Three miles out, and it's a free-for-all! No rules, pirate radio laws. Really! Is this true, Mr. Zuckerkorn? Sure.

you can't try a husband and wife for the same crime, right? Sure. We have the best attorneys.

First of all, won't be cheap. It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees. What's the good news? Oh, yeah. Well, from your perspective, I can see where you think it's all bad news. It's all bad news.

Also, it turns out that stealing the Queen Mary comes under maritime law, which, I just found out, is an actual thing. It's a real thing.

Wait, wait, that rally is tonight? Mm-hmm. But I'm supposed to meet my wife tonight, which I am dreading, by the way.

Too bad you can't use a double. Oh, also I used a look-alike named Stewart to take the California bar for me. But you knew that, right?

I just pooped in a hole and covered it up. I hope I did the right thing. There's a commode. It's, it's directly uphill from the maca root.

Correction: good news for Barry

After 21, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in the state of California. As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk.

I could ask you the same thing. I go to high school here. I could answer the same thing.

What, do they got cameras in the bushes? Why would they do that? You can't even see into the locker rooms from there.

And the inmates hate me, 'cause what is a defense attorney doing in the shower?

Of course we're gonna have a great weekend.

So, you're saying I paid to bail you out? You weren't gonna leave me there, were you?

I was gonna use your divorce to pay off my peekaboo lawyer.

Oh, God, the giving up the rat race guy? This is the sand hobo?

Yeah, Lottie Dottie DA, my asshole.

She said that I could make up whatever reason I want. You tell me what is easiest on you. Hmm, no, it's too mean. I think you're entitled, Buster. She hates you, Michael. We'll use that one.

If they're listening, just say 'dogshit.' Mm. What you said, I would repeat, but the family is here, and I want to make sure that I don't get it wrong. Get it wrong? Say 'dogshit.'

In the 30 years that I've represented this family, that is the first time anyone has said 'good j...'

A good lie is head in a box, but they wanted to go with something real, so we went with the evidence they actually had.

A good lie is head in a box, but they wanted to go with something real, so we went with the evidence they actually had.

I'm okay. The bathroom doesn't work back here, so I peed in a Wetzel bag.

I'm gonna try and get a selfie with the G-Man.

They've never technically won a case... but they've never lost a fee.

she called for a mistrial