The One Where Michael Leaves

Narrator · Michael:Narrator intro: 'This is Michael Bluth. Right now he's taking his son, George Michael, to start a new life in Arizona.'

Michael:Michael: 'We are free. We're gonna follow our dreams... and the best part of it — not working for the family anymore.'

George Michael · Michael:George Michael: 'Don't you always say, Family first?' Michael: 'Yes I do, but that is not a family, okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael: 'And Aunt Lindsay.' Michael: 'She's not my real aunt?' 'Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she's 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.'

Narrator:Narrator explains George Senior escaped prison using 'the family's portable stairway vehicle' — the stair car

Michael · Lucille:Michael imagines his family panicking: 'I'd love to see the look on their faces right now. Where'd he go?' — cut to Lucille on the phone calling for him

Michael Bluth · Lucille Bluth:Michael is excited that the family didn't notice they left — then Lucille shouts 'Michael, phone!' proving they thought he was still there

Lucille · Buster · Michael:Buster holding Lucille's 'rape horn.' Lucille: 'Yes. I have a rape horn, Michael. Because you took away my Mace.'

Michael:Michael: 'Yeah, like anyone would want to R her.'

Lucille:Lucille: 'Suddenly he's too much of a bigshot to brush Mother's hair.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Have you told your girlfriend, Bland. I mean Ann? Right.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'Because under her school picture it said Not pictured.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'They printed a retraction in the Spring supplement, and she was really looking forward to seeing me in my Uncle Sam outfit in that Get Out the Vote assembly tomorrow.' Maeby: 'Wasn't that supposed to be before the election?' George Michael: 'Yeah, they had to postpone it when that foreign exchange student parked too close to the gym.'

Maeby:Maeby: 'I'd do it. I'd play Uncle Sam. Better than part I have now — Guy who ordered strike on Pearl Harbor.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'I don't know why you're not taking this I'm out of here seriously, but I am out of here, seriously.' Lucille: 'Let's face it, Michael, you've made this threat before. Tell me. When.' Flashback montage of Michael repeatedly saying 'I'm out of here' in various contexts.

Michael:Michael: 'Oh, that's rich. Huh. I need... you.'

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Gob, instead of always coming to me asking for money saying I've made a huge mistake—' Gob: 'I've never admitted to a mistake. What would I have made a mistake about?'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Lindsay, instead of sleeping in twin beds, why don't you and your husband take the master bedroom? It's not like you've never come to me with your marital problems saying, Oh help me Michael, I think my husband might be a...' [cut]

Narrator · Michael:Narrator: 'And so, once again, the guys were on their way to Phoenix, never to look back.' — immediately followed by Michael turning around

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'It's just the lab calling. We'll give him the bad news in Phoenix.' George Michael tells on Michael for saying Phoenix again.

Michael Bluth · George Michael Bluth:Michael tells George Michael not to say Phoenix and then says Phoenix himself — twice — while telling George Michael not to say where they're going

Michael · George Michael:Michael offers George Michael to sit on his lap and drive. George Michael: 'I think I might be [too old].' Awkward pause.

Narrator · Oscar:Narrator: 'In fact, the police only thought they'd arrested George Senior... but had gotten his twin brother Oscar instead.' Oscar in custody: 'Do you have any cookies with no preservatives?'

Lucille Bluth:Lucille's horrified reaction to Oscar arriving: 'Oh, good grief, it's Oscar.'

Buster · Lucille:Buster: 'You're the one who says I need a father figure.' Lucille: 'Yes. A father figure.' [Pointedly not Oscar]

Lucille Bluth · Oscar Bluth:Lucille: 'Fine. But you're not sleeping in my bed.' / Oscar: 'Okay.' / Lucille: 'Okay.' / Oscar: 'Mm-hmm.'

Barry:Barry Zuckerhorn shows Michael what appears to be a rash or growth: 'Does this look contagious to you?'

Barry:Barry: 'Then you might wind up on his cot.' [After Michael says he doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps]

Barry Zuckerhorn:Barry: 'Oh, man, I wish you hadn't said Phoenix.' — second instance, compounding the running gag

Michael · George Michael:Michael: 'Do you remember what we say about the family?' George Michael: 'Uh, it's not Aunt Lindsay's nose.' Michael: 'Yes, but no... We say we don't need them.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay doing an exercise video: 'It comes from knowing you're toned and fit.' Michael: 'I see you've found an exercise tape made for people as lazy as you are.'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I do have a love life.' Michael: 'One night in the master bedroom and you got yourself a love life again?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Finally, we can be a normal couple.' Beat. 'Nice to be back in a queen.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'It's too much pressure. I can't do this.' [In the master bedroom]

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'As a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship... Well, did it work for those people? No. It never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Great. We'll hammer out the details later. Right now, we've got a daughter to tell.' Then immediately bellows: 'Maeby, we're having a family meeting!'

Lindsay · Realtor:Realtor to Lindsay: 'Well, tell him I like what I see.' Lindsay interprets this as a come-on — it was actually about the model home she's showing.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'I met someone. I got a date. I'm dating someone!' Tobias immediately: 'Well... let the great experiment begin!'

Michael · Narrator:Michael: 'I better get over there before he brings the whole company down. It's only been three hours. How much damage could he really do?' Narrator: 'And release... In three hours, Gob had done $45,000 in damage.'

Narrator · Gob:Narrator: 'In three hours, Gob had done $45,000 in damage.' — cut to Gob in Michael's office with a massage table and various impractical additions

Michael · Gob:Michael: 'Hey, where's my desk?' Gob: 'Oh, I think it's the massage table in the break room now.'

Gob:Gob's motivational speech to the board: 'For the same reason you should believe that a hundred dollar bill is no more than a hundred pennies.'

Michael:Michael: 'They approved me unanimously. Why wouldn't they? You've only lost them $99 so far.'

Realtor · Lindsay:The Realtor to Lindsay (thinking she's showing the model home's open house): 'I have an open thing going on, too. I'll give you the address, and you can come by.' Lindsay interprets this as a date invitation.

Gob · Michael:Gob: 'I need you? Oh boy, that's good. Can't wait to call the guys in to hear this one.' Then can't figure out the intercom for 30 seconds.

Lucille:Lucille to Michael: 'Well, if it isn't the boy who cried Phoenix.'

Michael Bluth:Michael pretends he came back to 'be a role model' and 'write Buster a check' — transparent rationalizations for needing the checkbook

Lucille · Buster · Oscar:Lucille: 'I sent [Oscar] out for a new air horn.' Shot of Buster waiting, then Oscar returns with a giant air horn.

Barry:Barry on the Iraq housing charges: 'Man, that jury's gonna fall in love with you.' [Re: the video of Lucille about to enlist her son in the Army]

Lucille:Lucille on camera to reporter: 'Oh yes, would you enlist your son or daughter in the army?' [Long pause] Lucille: 'Yes.'

Lucille:Lucille casually says 'I want you.' to Michael — filmed in a way that makes it seem oddly seductive before context reveals it's manipulative maternal control

Narrator · Gob:Narrator: 'It was at that moment that Gob found something the jury might not like.' — followed by a long pause before whatever document he discovers

Gob:Meanwhile, Gob finds an incriminating document [the Saddam contract] in the office — visual comedy of his reaction before anyone knows what it is

Lindsay Fünke · Realtor:Realtor arrives at the model home for a showing — Lindsay shows her upstairs to the bedroom immediately, misinterpreting everything as a romantic encounter

Lindsay · Realtor:Lindsay arrives at the model home for her 'date' — realtor: 'Hey, you found it. So, should we start in the kitchen?' Lindsay: 'I thought the bedroom.' Realtor: 'Sure. I'll meet you up there. I got to make this place smell like cookies.'

Lindsay Fünke · Realtor:Lindsay is in the shower — realtor knocks: 'Come on, kids, we'll go downstairs and have some cookies.' — Lindsay realizes this is not a date

Realtor · Lindsay:Realtor: 'And you should know, I am anticipating multiples on this.' Lindsay's reaction.

Tobias:Tobias discovers the 'support group' is actually the Blue Man Group — all blue, all painted.

Oscar · Lucille:Oscar to Lucille, re: his long hair: 'I guess I'd look like you. More than you'll ever know.' — implying their intimate history

Narrator · News Anchor:News teaser: 'Are you living in one of Saddam's mini-palaces? They may have been built by the same developer.' Cut to news anchor: 'And a seal attack — meet one surprised bather, coming up.'

Michael Bluth:Michael: 'This is crazy. What am I doing? Using a hammer?' — found sledgehammering the wall looking for hidden family valuables

Tobias · Michael:Tobias, painted entirely blue, enters the wall Michael is hammering: 'Are you blue? Only in color, Michael. Only in color.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The universe works in mysterious ways, Michael. You never know where help is going to come from... until you look for it.'

Tobias:Tobias, looking at Michael's blue-stained shirt: 'your shirt is cover... Oh, I did that.' Then immediately tries to clean it and makes it worse.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'No, I'm afraid I just blue myself.' Michael: 'There's got to be a better way to say that.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'Tobias rushed to the theater hoping to be seen. Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he couldn't be seen.'

Tobias · Driver:Someone (presumably a driver) hits Tobias with a car in the dark: 'What the hell was that?'

Michael · Lucille · Buster · George Michael · Gob:Michael: 'None.' Family members simultaneously shouting needs: 'Oh God, okay fine I need you.' / 'Mom volunteered me for the Army just because the fat man dared her.' / 'I lost my wig. My Uncle Sam wig.' / 'Michael, I am sitting on some very hot information here. I know too much. I've got the thingy. Half in English, half in scribbly.'

Doctor · Michael Bluth · Family:Doctor: 'It... looks like he's dead.' — family reacts in horror — then Michael: 'Just to be clear. It looks like he's dead, or he is dead?'

Michael:Michael: 'Well, I hate to cancel my medical follow-up in Phoenix, but you give me the corporate checkbook, I'll see what I can do.'

Doctor · Michael · Lucille · Lindsay:Doctor: 'It... looks like he's dead.' Family gasps. Doctor: 'It just looks like he's dead. He's got, like, blue paint on him or something. But he's going to be fine.' Family turns on doctor.

Michael:Michael: 'Just to be clear. It looks like he's dead, or he is dead?'

Doctor · Family:Doctor, after explaining Tobias is fine: 'I'll let you celebrate privately.' Family: 'Hey, we want this comped!'

Oscar:Oscar, seeing the police: 'You don't need some piece of (bleep) uncle hanging around.' Then runs away.

Michael:Michael intervenes as the police try to arrest someone: 'Hey, hey, that's not my dad. That's not the guy you want. If you want anybody it's me.' Police are confused. Then: 'I got to turn myself in or make bail, um, maybe by, like... 8 o'clock.'

Michael Bluth · Police Officer:Police officer grabs the wrong person again — 'Hey, hey. Enough. / Whoa, hey. You might want to have that looked at.'

Lucille:Lucille produces a briefcase: 'Dad's signed contract with Saddam.' Pause. 'Hussein.'

Oscar:Oscar arrives late to the hospital: 'Hey, I'm awfully sorry I'm late. I got here as fast as... Oh, how is he?' — then is visibly wearing different clothes than before.

Foreign Exchange Student:Foreign exchange student: 'Just hat, someone take wig.' The Uncle Sam wig George Michael needed is gone.

Narrator · George Senior:Narrator: 'In fact, it was George Senior who took the wig, and was fleeing the country with the evidence Michael so badly needed.' Final shot: George Senior in Uncle Sam costume/wig.

Narrator:Narrator, over George Senior fleeing in the Uncle Sam costume: 'You made a huge mistake.'

Narrator:Final title card/tag: 'You made a huge mistake.'