Tobias Fünke

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:As a youthful act of defiance, Lindsay married this man.

Tobias:Oh, no. I'm completely stuffed.

Tobias:I'm hoping the universe provides a path for me.

Narrator · Tobias:Tobias recently lost his medical license for administering CPR to a person who, as it turned out, was not having a heart attack.

Tobias:I haven't packed for that.

Lindsay · Tobias:HOOP — the anti-circumcision movement. 'I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman. Let it have its ears.'

Narrator · Tobias:Tobias, now believing the boat party to be pirate-themed, began searching through his wife's luggage for an outfit.

Gay Protester · Tobias:You look like a pirate! — I should say so! Look at the blouse, sir!

Narrator · Tobias:Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals. Soon he was unwittingly part of a protest against the local yacht club.

Tobias:I'm not gonna lie to you, Michael. This is great news for HOOP.

Tobias · Lindsay:You're right though. It is amazing... I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me, and I think it has. — You're gay? — No. No. I'm not... I'm not gay. No. Lindsay, how many times must we have this... No. I want to be an actor.

Tobias:And this is 'I'm a Bad, Bad Man' from Annie Get Your Gun.

Tobias:Tobias: 'Whoa, bumpy road ahead.' — presumably while driving the cramped van with his stepdaughter on his lap

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Michael arrives home; Lindsay and Tobias are in the exact same positions as when he left that morning. 'Is nobody gonna even try to get a job?'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias delivers a speech about rejection in the 'business of show'... but has never actually had an audition

Tobias:Tobias's indignant 'Well... excuse me!' after being told he's never had an audition, followed by another 'Excuse me.' as he leaves

Tobias:Tobias stares longingly at an 'Actor Pull' classified ad — the visual of this sad moment

Tobias · Michael:'I was looking for work, and I blew it, Michael.' / 'I guess you've already seen that, huh?' / 'Yes, I have. Oh, right. This one.'

Tobias:Tobias at the commercial audition: 'Not if I do my job right' when told the audition is just one line

Tobias · Director:Tobias asks whether he should be 'panicked about the fire' or 'being brave for everyone else' — it's an ad for a fire sale

Tobias:Tobias performs the fire sale commercial: 'Oh, my God! We're having a fire... sale.' / 'Oh, the burning! It burns me!' / 'Evacuate all the schoolchildren!' / 'This isn't a fever!'

Tobias:'I can't even see where the knob is!' — Tobias, during the fire sale audition

Director · Tobias:Director after Tobias's performance: 'Would you like to try that a little simpler maybe?' / Tobias: 'No.'

Tobias:Tobias explains he 'made the fire too real' and 'probably failed to highlight the sale'

Tobias:Tobias declares: 'Who would have imagined — two actors in one family? We're like the Lunts!'

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:Narrator: Lindsay 'had slept through' her one day of employment, and Tobias 'couldn't hear the phone over the sound of the shower'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias discovers Lindsay's conditioner improves his self-esteem; Lindsay compliments him: 'You look very handsome today.' / 'Thank you, Lindsay.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'When I was a psychiatrist — and this is before I became an actor—' Michael: 'You're still not an actor.' Tobias: 'Lovely.'

Tobias:Tobias burns himself on the Cornballer mid-psychiatric advice: 'Am I touching something? Hot! Hot, hot. Hot.'

Tobias:Tobias, still recovering from the burn, pivots immediately: 'Now, take my daughter, for example. She lives her life and I get the pleasure of guessing what that might entail.'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias demonstrates his hands-off parenting by asking Maeby where she's going, expecting her not to answer — but she does. 'I was totally wrong. She's reaching out to her actor daddy.'

Tobias · Maeby:Now watch this. Maeby, where are you off to on this glorious Sunday afternoon? — [She won't tell me.] — I'm going to audition for a play. — Well, that time it didn't work.

Tobias:Tobias makes a dramatic entrance: 'Hello, everyone, and welcome to the theater. I am Dr. Tobias Fünke, and I will be your new director.' — long stunned pause from students.

Tobias:Tobias pitching himself to the principal: 'And you tell me you've got some P.E. teacher directing? That just makes me wanna puke all over your head, sir.'

Tobias:Tobias's appeal to the principal in pseudo-Shakespearean verse: 'Give me a chance to tell the Bard's tale / and I give you my word on humble knee / whence you shall not say it wasn't e'er to be.'

Principal · Jerry · Tobias:Principal, after Tobias's Shakespeare pitch: 'Jerry, you cool with this?' Jerry: 'Sure. Let the little fruit do it.'

Tobias:Tobias directing the play: 'You are playing adults with fully formed libidos... not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias sees Michael arrive and immediately announces himself: 'Would you hold the work, please? Oh, Michael.'

Tobias:Tobias to Michael about George Michael: 'Well, they're different people every day, teenagers. Hormones all ablaze. Except, of course, when they're onstage when I need it.'

Tobias:Tobias realizes George Michael isn't interested in a girl — his reaction is 'Not a girl? ... Of course.' Then: 'Methinks a Cupid I shall play.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias to Michael about Steve Holt (now playing Beatrice): 'I wish I could say the same for Steve Holt. I don't know what the hell her problem is.' Michael: 'Her?' Tobias: 'Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I say that because I switched the parts.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'Perhaps if she dressed as a woman.' Tobias: 'She? Oh, for the love of God. She's playing a woman.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Buster:Lindsay: 'She always makes everything about her. She's the last person I ever want to need something from. She gets off on being withholding.' — said while Buster is clearly in the room.

Tobias · Steve Holt:Tobias finds the red dress Lindsay hid in the attic crawl space and puts it on Steve Holt for the play.

Tobias · Maeby · George Michael:George Michael quits the play, then learns Maeby has now been cast as a man. Maeby: 'So you want me to play the man?' Tobias: 'Yes. Don't you see? I cast the parts all wrong. It was Daddy's fault.'

Maeby · Tobias:Maeby: 'I still get to kiss Steve, right?' Tobias: 'It's gonna be a huge disaster. I'll get you tickets.'

Tobias:Tag: Tobias gets a review of his Shakespeare play. He reads: 'I didn't get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwarzman' — then 'onward and upward!' — then breaks down crying: 'Why, Tracy? Why?'

Lindsay · Tobias · Maeby · George Michael:Lindsay and Tobias bicker about his career change; Tobias says: 'I have needs, you know.' / Lindsay: 'And how am I not addressing your needs?' — followed by escalating arguing in front of their daughter, then: 'Okay, kids, Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.' / Kids: 'Can we come?' / Lindsay: 'Sorry. It's not for kids.'

Lindsay · Tobias · George Michael · Maeby:Okay, kids, Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream. Can we come? Sorry. It's not for kids.

Lindsay · Tobias:In therapy, Lindsay: 'It's like we're face to face now, like we're really seeing this marriage and... I'm afraid it's a lie.' Long pause. Tobias: 'Bravo. If I gave a performance that good, I'd have my own Alias-type show.'

Tobias:Tobias in role-reversal therapy, playing Lindsay: 'Because I'm a woman! With a woman's needs! And a woman's urges! And these, Tobias. When was the last time you looked at these?'

Tobias:Tobias as Lindsay: 'You've never been a real wife to me, Lindsay.' / 'A man is looking back at you. A man with dreams and aspirations!'

Tobias:Tobias in role reversal: 'Right! If I'm no Schwimmer, you're no Jennifer Aniston!' / 'Maybe I'm not even Lisa Kudrow.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay-as-Tobias says: 'follow those dreams. Make those dreams happen.' / Tobias: 'Yes. I will.' / 'And scene!'

Therapist · Tobias · Lindsay:Therapist's reaction: 'Wow!' / 'I'm sorry I stepped on your line.' / 'Did that answer some questions for you?' / 'Yeah, I think it did.' / Therapist: 'Now there are two men I wanna leave.'

Tobias · Narrator:Oh, no, no. I can't do that. / The next day, Michael was stopped on his way to work.

Tobias · Lindsay:You have to be some sort of she-hulk to get this. / You just gotta really dig.

Tobias:I got my hands on some money. I can't say how or when... or where my wedding ring is...

Shop Clerk · Tobias:May I help you? / I hope so. I'm looking for something that says 'Dad likes leather.' / Something that says 'leather daddy'? / Oh, is there such a thing?

Tobias:Look at us. Who'd wanna mess with any of us, huh?

Michael · Tobias:Did you get a job or something? / No. No, I didn't. Unless you consider 'World's Coolest Daddy' a job.

Cabdriver · Tobias:Where to, mate? / The Gothic Castle. / Gothic Asshole? / That's what I said.

Narrator · Tobias:And ended up in the wrong location. / Oh, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit. / Yes, hello. I am looking for the magic. / Danke schön.

Narrator · Tobias:And Tobias gets some good news. / I got a gig.

Michael · Tobias:'That's not an option. / 'Cause you're scared? / No, because of George Michael. He still hasn't gotten over losing his mother. I just want to get him through high school; then we'll deal with me.'

Tobias:'So you didn't get any while you were in high school, and now you're not gonna get any while George Michael's in high school.'

Tobias:Tobias mishears 'single' as 'straight' and then backpedals: 'She said single, correct? I thought l... I didn't quite hear that. The reception is bad.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.' Then realizing: 'Well, that certainly leaves me out.'

Jessie · Tobias:Jessie tells Lindsay: 'You're a medical doctor and you're living an absurd fantasy as an actor. It's time to get real.' Tobias's response: 'Wow. It's tough talk, but I like it. You're saying land a major film.' Jessie: 'I'm saying get your medical license back.'

Tobias · Michael:'I truly believe that the universe wants me to be an actor and not a doctor. I'm just waiting for a sign.' / 'Here's your cash.' / 'Universal Shuttle picks you up at 8:00.' / 'Any sign, really.'

Tobias:Tobias on the Universal Shuttle, complaining about how many stops it makes: 'Come on! We're stopping again? How many more stops are we gonna make? Honestly, I haven't even seen this part of Los Ang... Is that snow?' / 'Oh, my God.'

Tobias · Carl Weathers:Tobias recognizes Carl Weathers on the shuttle: 'You are Carl Weathers, the actor. I went to San Francisco to attend your stage fighting workshop. But you never showed up.' Carl: 'I got bumped from that flight.' 'Hell, they'll give you $300 if you get bumped. It's this crazy loophole in the system that the wrong guy discovered.'

Carl Weathers · Tobias:Carl Weathers charges Tobias exactly $1,100 for acting classes — the precise amount Tobias has for his plane ticket. 'Check this out. $1,100 is exactly what I charge for acting classes.' / 'No, it isn't!' / 'Yeah.' / 'What are the chance... Universe, you've done it again.'

Tobias · Carl Weathers:Tobias: 'No, it isn't!' Carl: 'Yeah.' / Tobias: 'Universe, you've done it again.'

Tobias:Tobias wonders aloud whether he's cut out to be 'a De Niro or a Regis or a Pinkett-Smith or what have you.'

Carl Weathers · Tobias:Tobias's 'acting class' with Carl Weathers: 'I don't know what your police captain told you about me, but I'm a different breed of cop. I'm from the streets, and I'm the last cop you're ever gonna wanna mess with in a darkened alley.' Tobias: 'Dark alley. And l...'

Carl Weathers · Tobias:Tobias reveals his wife works at a restaurant. Carl immediately pivots: 'Do they get a shift meal or do they just pay half-price on select menu items?' — leading them to go to the restaurant immediately.

Lindsay · Tobias · Carl Weathers · Random Man:At Rud, a man offers Lindsay $2,000 to touch him. Lindsay is shocked — 'Oh, my God. My husband.' The man is with Tobias.

Carl Weathers · Tobias:Carl Weathers' 'Baby, you got a stew goin'' — first instance, about leftover chicken bones.

Tobias:Tobias: 'I think I'd like my money back.' — after two consecutive stew lectures instead of acting advice.

Lucille · Carl Weathers · Tobias:Lucille invites Carl Weathers to dinner on the one night Tobias has class, then 'innocently' suggests Carl and Tobias have dinner alone.

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'In fact, Tobias was a never-nude. As of yet, the D.S.M.-IV has not acknowledged the affliction.'

Tobias · George Michael:Tobias says cousins of opposite gender shouldn't share rooms — George Michael argues 'bunkin' cousins' is a term. Tobias: 'Kissin' cousins.' George Michael: 'We're not kissing! That's the point!'

George Michael · Tobias:Cousins can bunk together. That's why they call it 'bunkin' cousins.' 'Kissin' cousins.' We're not kissing! That's the point!

Tobias:Tobias: 'I think the world is about to fall in love with Frightened Inmate #2.'

Tobias · Narrator:Narrator describes Tobias's audition: 'The competition frightened Tobias, which he felt he could use in his performance. Unfortunately this made him more confident, which frightened him again.'

Tobias · George Michael:Tobias to George Michael: 'Do you know the last time I made love to my wife?' / George Michael: 'No.' / Tobias: 'I'll tell you when.' / George Michael: 'No, don't.'

Tobias · George Michael:Tobias reveals the only reason Lindsay married him was 'to piss off her mother' — and they couldn't conceive — setting up George Michael's realization that Maeby might not be his cousin.

Tobias:Tobias: 'Yes, I'm the doctor. The perfect husband. The big manly man. The big strong daddy.' — full self-pity list to George Michael.

Tobias:Tobias gets the call that he booked 'Frightened Inmate #2' — 'Did you hear that, Lindsay? You could have been sleeping with Frightened Inmate #2.'

Tobias · Director:Preview: Tobias has a shower scene for Frightened Inmate #2 — 'There's a shower scene? I have to be nude.' / 'Well, you don't shower with your clothes on, now, do ya?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Let's see if they've beefed up my part. I got three lines!'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Please tell me there's some coffee left.' — delivered with extreme intensity as if making a great personal sacrifice

Tobias:Tobias practicing his frightened inmate role: 'I ain't going to squeal, man. I ain't going to... Oh, I'm not frightened! God!'

Tobias · Lindsay:Lindsay, say something to scare me. ...me.

Tobias:Tobias: 'Nope. Nothing. Thanks for trying though.' after Lindsay's attempt to frighten him

Tobias:Tobias: 'I ought to check myself into a men's penal colony. Perhaps your father could get me in.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias arrives at prison with a letter of introduction from Carl Weathers

Warden · Tobias:The warden: 'It would be an honor to have you research in this institution.' then immediately hands Tobias a script to pass to Carl Weathers: 'The warden could easily be black.'

Warden · Tobias:The warden lists available cells: '187 won't be free till Tuesday... at midnight. And I can't put you into 212, because there's already another actor researching a role in there... Steve Buscemi.'

Tobias · Warden:Tobias requests to bunk with his father-in-law (George Sr., who is an actual prisoner). The warden says 'Okay.'

Tobias:Tobias, given prison clothes, gasps with pure excitement: 'Wow! Prison!'

Tobias · George Sr.:Tobias to George Sr.: 'I'm here to study with you, to learn from you. Teach me.' George Sr.: 'There's no teaching.' Tobias: 'There's no teaching.' — both immediately echoing the gang leader's decree

Tobias · George Sr. · Inmate:Tobias introduces himself: 'I am Dr. Tobias Fünke. Or, with your help, Frightened Inmate #2.' — then: 'Who is this shiny building of a man?' / 'Oh, I'm very scared right now.' / 'Oh, we're starting.'

George Sr. · Tobias:"On the next Arrested Development" tag: Tobias in prison learns about bunking. George Sr.: 'You'll be sleeping under me for a while. I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.'

Tobias · George Sr.:NEXT EPISODE preview: Tobias: 'Well, let's discuss this bunking situation. You'll be sleeping under me for a while.' George Sr.: 'I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.'

Tobias · George Sr.:Tobias in prison: 'I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.' / 'But didn't you come here to research the nature of fear?'

George Sr. · Tobias:'There's only one man I've ever called coward. That's Brian Doyle-Murray.' / 'What I'm calling you... is a television actor.' / 'Ouch.'

Tobias · Narrator:Narrator: Tobias 'produced a videotape... but its brief success was due to its misleading name. Once discovered, all but 10 of the videos were returned.'

Tobias · White Power Bill:Tobias doing therapy on White Power Bill: 'Yes, but where does the hate come from, Bill? What causes it?' / 'The Jews, I guess.' / 'Sure. But I think you need to look deeper.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I know what it's like to have a father, or, in my case, a father-in-law, who doesn't respect you.' Then: 'Anyhoo, we have very little time before this, uh, 4:00 pounding you promised me.'

Tobias · White Power Bill:Tobias's breakthrough therapy: 'I think you hate White Power Bill!' / 'I hate you!' / 'You hate White Power Bill!' / 'I hate the government!' / 'You hate White Power Bill!' / 'I hate my father!'

Tobias · White Power Bill · George Sr.:'I hate White Power Bill.' — White Power Bill attacks someone / 'I got a prisoner down! Prisoner down!' / 'You killed him.' / 'Like Dorothy. The Wicked Witch is dead.' / 'All hail Dorothy!'

Tobias · George Sr.:Tobias: 'You painted your shoes red.' / 'Call me the Tin Man. I'm a Friend of Dorothy's now. And she wants to see you.'

George Sr. · Tobias · Narrator:George Sr. visits Tobias in prison — the man 'he once tried to shove out of a moving car'

George Sr. · Tobias:George Sr.: 'I thought the two of us could talk, man-on-man.' / Tobias: 'I'm afraid I'm serious.'

George Sr. · Tobias:George Sr. gives Tobias tea in prison: 'Remember to let it steep for five minutes.' / 'Oh, dear God.'

George Sr. · Tobias:George Sr.: 'I've been in this family for 16 years and I don't think we've ever had a conversation.' / Tobias: 'I'm not gonna discuss this.' / 'You hate me.' / 'Yeah, I do hate you. You took my daughter...'

Tobias · George Sr.:Tobias therapy-talks George Sr.: 'Fear has turned into hate. So Frightened Inmate #2 isn't frightened at all. He's angry. He's a crabby old coot... and he needs love, just like everyone.' / George Sr.: 'Get your... hands off of me.' / Tobias: 'Shh. Don't be scared.'

Tobias · George Sr.:Tobias's diagnosis of George Sr.: 'He's a crabby old coot, and he needs love, just like everyone.' Then hugs George Sr. while George Sr. says 'Get your hands off of me.' Tobias: 'Shh. Don't be scared.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias's tutoring pitch to the tutor: "I will pack your sweet pink mouth with so much ice cream, you'll be the envy of every Jerry and Jane on the block."

Tobias · Maggie Lizer:"On the next" stinger: Tobias breaks into Maggie's house to steal evidence — only to discover she's not blind

Tobias:Ah, le clumsy adolescence. It's a phase we've all been through. Except for me. I was like a cat. I always ended up on all fours.

Tobias:Tobias mimes/demonstrates 'like a cat' — reaction beat as others stare

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias uses his catlike agility to get the evidence. 'The cat is in.'

Tobias · Maggie · Narrator:Tobias concerned about Maggie's heightened sense of smell, sets off to cloak himself in her scent — spends extended time in her bathrobe/perfume area while she walks around the house

Tobias · Maggie:Maggie comes home unexpectedly — Tobias must hide from a blind woman, except she can see him

Narrator · Maggie · Tobias:Her ability to see, however, was currently proving a disadvantage... as she couldn't reveal to the man she recognized as Tobias that she knew he was there without betraying her secret.

Narrator · Tobias · Maggie:Narrator: 'Tobias was finding her an uncannily difficult blind girl to outmaneuver.' — as Maggie tracks his every move while pretending not to see

Tobias · Maggie:Their game of cat and mouse continued. [Extended visual sequence of Tobias sneaking while Maggie 'navigates blind']

Tobias:Oh! I can't see! [Tobias, revealed from the bathrobe]

Gob · Lucille · Tobias:They don't have a case against us. I took care of everything. / Something smells wonderful. / Well, thank you. Would that I could say that I wore it to impress you, but no, I'm afraid it's merely a cloaking agent from a sadly blunderous afternoon.

Tobias:Tobias: 'I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'Oh, no.' / Cut to: 'Oh, no was right.' — introducing Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution

Narrator · Tobias:The full band name: 'Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution' — and then the corporate ownership chain revealed by the narrator

Tobias · Fan:Fan recognizes Tobias from the band: 'You sang a song about a supplement called Teamocil? I mean, you just nailed me! It was like you knew every side effect I was going through at that time.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay accidentally takes Euphorazine instead of Zanotab; Tobias: 'We are pushers, not takers.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Let's take it from loose stool! One, two and a...' then stops to confront Lindsay about Euphorazine

Tobias · Lindsay · George Michael:What is that noise? / We don't need the wood block. / No, I just thought I would join in on the fun.

Convention Organizer · Tobias:Wellness convention organizer to Tobias: 'You think you can handle it alone? 'Cause if you don't perform, we don't validate.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I must say I feel a bit like a Mary... without a Peter and a Paul, but I suppose it's worth a shot.'

Tobias · Fan:'Teamocil is no longer available. Please try either Grouphug, Bondat or consult your own Wellness Guide.' / Teamocil!

Gob's Wife · Gob · Michael · Tobias:Gob's wife: 'Gob, I want out. I'm in love with your brother.' / Gob to Michael: 'You did it again, you son of a bitch!' / Michael: 'No, no! She's...' / Gob: 'In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.'

Tobias:Tobias to Lindsay dancing: 'Well, Lindsay, could you use it over there? I'm trying to grow.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias to Michael: 'I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'That's not what I was thinking.' Tobias: 'Sorry, I just...' [trails off]

Gob · Tobias:Gob: 'What is it that people need?' Tobias: 'People love to carbo-load.' Gob: 'The bagel place.'

Narrator · Gob · Tobias:Narrator: 'Gob and Tobias accidentally had Michael on the hook and they didn't want to blow the deal.' [cut to Gob and Tobias staring at each other in silence]

Tobias:Tobias: 'This is the first any of us at Gobias Industries have heard of a land deal.'

Tobias:'On the Next Arrested Development': Tobias: 'I want to be... a cage dancer.'

Maeby · Tobias · Therapy Patient:Maeby completes Tobias's therapy patient's sentence: '...HOMOSEXUAL.'

Tobias:'Not really. Kids love boundaries.' — Tobias's post-hoc rationalization after Maeby obeys Michael

Narrator · George Michael · Tobias · Buster:Narrator: 'And back at the model home, three of the Bluth men struggled with their manliness.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I mean, if I have to have a job to impress my daughter. If she needs something that butch.'

Tobias:Tobias at mall security interview: 'I do know stage combat if the partner is willing and a bit more petite than I.'

Security Manager · Tobias:Security manager: 'It's gonna be a couple of days before we can get you a gun license, so you'll have to use mine.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias leaps into action as security guard — 'a surprisingly catlike one'

Tobias · Narrator:On the next AD: Tobias loses his security job trying to solve the store's mice problem.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'He's completely oblivious. He's got no idea how I'm feeling or thinking.' Cut to Tobias: 'So there's no sex?' Lindsay: 'I mean, how do you not have sex with me?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'It is a struggle.'

Lindsay · Narrator · Tobias:Lindsay: 'Actually, I am the breadwinner, Michael, as it turns out. I was walking in a strange place today — a place I'd never set foot in before.' Narrator: 'Tobias, walking down a street he'd been down many times, saw a book he'd written years earlier as a psychiatrist.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The book is huge. And I have a bit of money coming my way as a result. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and run the shower. Let me know if it's too loud in the kitchen.'

Tobias · Michael:So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and run the shower. / Let me know if it's too loud in the kitchen.

Tobias:Tobias at his book reading: 'And, for the ease of the reader, I have changed all the gender-related pronouns — he, she — to the masculine he.'

Tobias:Tobias reads the dedication: 'The Man Inside Me. For Lindsay, my rock. I could not have done this without him.'

Tobias:Tobias reads from the book: 'For there is a man inside me, and only when he's finally out can I walk free of pain.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I was hoping for more women. Perhaps I shouldn't have just used he. I think that was a mistake.'

Tobias · Lindsay · Narrator:Tobias: 'Come on, Lindsay. This is my family.' / Narrator: 'And Lindsay realized that perhaps they did have something left — a real connection.' / Tobias: 'Also, Dale, one of the gentlemen from my reading, is a nurse here, so we were able to park right out front.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Finally, we can be a normal couple.' Beat. 'Nice to be back in a queen.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'It's too much pressure. I can't do this.' [In the master bedroom]

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'As a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship... Well, did it work for those people? No. It never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Great. We'll hammer out the details later. Right now, we've got a daughter to tell.' Then immediately bellows: 'Maeby, we're having a family meeting!'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'I met someone. I got a date. I'm dating someone!' Tobias immediately: 'Well... let the great experiment begin!'

Tobias:Tobias discovers the 'support group' is actually the Blue Man Group — all blue, all painted.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias, painted entirely blue, enters the wall Michael is hammering: 'Are you blue? Only in color, Michael. Only in color.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The universe works in mysterious ways, Michael. You never know where help is going to come from... until you look for it.'

Tobias:Tobias, looking at Michael's blue-stained shirt: 'your shirt is cover... Oh, I did that.' Then immediately tries to clean it and makes it worse.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'No, I'm afraid I just blue myself.' Michael: 'There's got to be a better way to say that.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'Tobias rushed to the theater hoping to be seen. Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he couldn't be seen.'

Tobias · Driver:Someone (presumably a driver) hits Tobias with a car in the dark: 'What the hell was that?'

Tobias:That's like, what, like a million diamonds for $400? A million- diamonds.

Tobias:I should be telling you that I have been meeting my fair share of groupies. Or should I say 'Bluepies'?

Tobias:Tobias's Blue Man Group audition: 'And this is Kids from Bye Bye Birdie' — performing silently in blue paint for a silent performance art trio.

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it. [Cut to both claiming they already have.]

Buster · Tobias · Narrator:I can't look at that. / Unfortunately, Tobias had to.

Buster · Narrator · Tobias:I can't look at that. / Unfortunately, Tobias had to.

Tobias:I got the wrong homeless man. I am sorry. I was looking for Lindsay.

Tobias:I got the wrong homeless man. I am sorry. I was looking for Lindsay.

Lindsay · Tobias:Is that George Michael's diamond cream? / Oh, yes, well, I ran out of blue, and I couldn't find anything else. I think my nipples are bleeding though. I don't know if you're supposed to use quite this much.

Lindsay · Tobias:That guy's a jerk. / No, I am. / No, no, I am.

Tobias:Because I think I need to go to the hospital right away and see if I can't get some of this diamond dust vacuumed from out of my lungs.

Tobias:Tobias: 'Might as well keep this makeup on since it takes so long to get off.' — Tobias is covered in blue paint

Tobias · Narrator · Lucille · Gene Parmesan:Tag scene: Tobias seeks medical attention. 'Thank God! A new doctor. Finally we can get a straight answer in this place.' Doctor: 'Uh, I've got some bad news.' Then Gene Parmesan appears. 'I'm Gene Parmesan. How you doing?' Lucille: 'He got me again!' Narrator: 'But I did overhear that he's bleeding internally.'

Tobias:Tobias admits he's surprised Lindsay is 'going after somebody so similar to my own type' and that 'we all do expose our inner desires.'

George Michael · Tobias:George Michael's 'I think you just did' response to Tobias's accidental confession.

Michael · Tobias:Michael thinks George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic — 'From who, the Nazis?'

Michael · Tobias:Tobias cries about how amazing George Sr. was; Michael says 'That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was,' referring to something George Sr. did.

Tobias:Tobias confesses: 'All those years when I pretended to cry, I used to use Dad's death to get me going. I tried it with Mom's, but I'd just end up smiling and ruining it.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias's 'Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build an airport, put my name on it.' — then: 'Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?'

Tobias · Barry:Barry (looking at Lindsay): 'Let me ask Barry. That might be enough right there.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias enters dramatically, claims he's 'afraid he'll have to take 'em to go' because he's 'late for the gym.' Lindsay responds by handing him the Blue Man Group understudy number.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.' Lindsay: 'Coincidentally, neither do you.'

Gob · Tobias · Narrator:Gob convinces Buster they should go to the 'old playground.' Tobias then appears asking to borrow Gob's phone. Gob: 'I'm not fit to run a company, and I don't deserve a fancy phone.' Tobias: 'Well, the Blue Man Group might need me, and I do deserve a fancy phone.' Narrator: 'They didn't, and he doesn't.'

Tobias · Narrator:The Blue Man Group might need me, and I do deserve a fancy phone. / [Narrator: They didn't, and he doesn't.]

News Anchor · Tobias:News anchor: 'We got one wrong, and we do apologize.' / Tobias (watching TV): 'I'm on TV.'

George-Michael · Tobias:George-Michael's reaction to Michael's realization about Tobias's glasses. GM says 'Uh, there's a ladder.' Tobias's voice: 'Oh, I don't need it.' [Tobias has climbed into the attic to retrieve his glasses]

Tobias · George Sr. · Narrator:On the Next — Tobias, 'traumatized by the public exposure, returns to an unfortunate quirk.' Tobias: 'Thank God — my cutoffs!' [finds denim cutoffs in attic] George Sr.: 'There were cutoffs up here?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I will be head to toe in blue makeup until 8:01 in case the Blue Man Group needs their understudy.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'No, you have to go, so when men find out we're in an open relationship, they'll see you're no threat. People hear the name Tobias, they think-- big black guy.' Tobias: 'Well, obviously, I'm not a big guy. I'm not a Carl Weathers, par example.'

Michael · Tobias · Narrator:Michael leaves a voicemail for Tobias asking him to go to Lucille's. The voicemail is accidentally routed to Michael's home — where the Blue Man Group is performing for Tobias. 'The Blue Men!' / 'You have 101 unheard messages. First message.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'Unfortunately, Tobias missed the call from the Bluth Company, and it went through to Michael's home voice mail.' Cut to: voice mail machine reading '101 unheard messages.'

Lindsay · George Michael · Tobias:Lindsay and George Michael inadvertently singing 'Afternoon Delight' together: 'And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight...' Tobias: 'That's my wife and nephew!' / Lindsay: 'We have an open relationship!'

Tobias · Lucille:Tobias, unable to hear due to his ear injury, fails to dodge Lucille's car and gets hit. 'What the hell was that?'

Tobias:Tobias, after being hit by a car and still apparently mobile: 'Hey, it's Tobias. Who wants to take me to the hospital?'

Narrator · Tobias:On the Next Arrested Development: 'The Blue Man Group finally calls for Tobias with a life-changing opportunity. Unfortunately, he can't hear it and his life stays the same.'

Tobias:Oh, here I go! Don't worry. It has not fallen into the garage. Knock on wood. [loud clattering]

Tobias · Maeby:'Confidence Man Two.' 'Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man.' 'No. Confidence Man Two is my character.'

Tobias · Maeby:And besides, don't you have school? No. Um — [chuckles] — Today is 'Help Your Dad Follow His Dream' day.

Tobias:Great. We can take the carpool lane.

Tobias · Narrator · Lindsay:Teamocil: the Tobias folk band supplement flashback — 'Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.' 'Good job, buddy.' 'Thanks, friend.'

Tobias:Well, here we are and home we go, with plenty of time to get you to English class.

Tobias · Maeby:[At the studio gate] — Damn it! — Dad, you're auditioning for the part of a confidence man. Let's try a little confidence.

Tobias · Actor · Maeby:You say confidence man? Hey, I'm up for that part too. — Oh. — Good luck to you. — Good luck to you too.

Tobias · Narrator:That Fünke is some kind of something. — Boy, this Fünke is all anybody's ever talking about. — So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Fünke is. — Overrated. I'll just move — I'm sorry. — Okay. We're okay.

Casting Director · Tobias:What's your name? — Tobias. — He's too short. Give it to the guard.

Tobias:Oh, I'm not. I — on camera, I seem much taller.

Film Executive · Andy Richter · Tobias · Maeby:[On the Next Arrested Development] Maeby gets her father a job. — I gotta fire one of ya. Andy Richter! Here are those head shots I was telling you about. — Yeah. I gotta go. — It's Tobias Fünke. I told you about the head shots?

Tobias:Tobias: 'My schedule, however, is as open as my relationship with my wife.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.'

Tobias · Buster:Tobias: 'This place is exactly what I had hoped for.' Cut to: it's a women's bar. Buster: 'All ladies.' Tobias: 'Mmm.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Well, I've heard that this uniform is the best way to meet—' [interrupted by Lucille 2]

Tobias · Gob:Tobias: 'No, no, no. The club. I was dancing with what turned out to be the club's owner, and he was looking to sell.' Gob: 'Oh, he really, really did look like a woman.'

Tobias:Tobias defends the Queen Mary club purchase: 'can you believe that the only reason the club is going under is because it's in a terrifying neighborhood?'

Tobias:Tobias confronts the sign painter: 'No, no. It's supposed to say "Tobias's Queen Mary." No, that is not what it says.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Well, I suppose I could just paint over "Mary."' Neighbor: 'Don't bother, man. This is our club now.'

Tobias:Tobias to the Hot Cops: 'I know you know nothing but a life on the street, but I'd like to offer you something that the Queen Mary gave me. The joy of the stage. So maybe you could, uh, start jeté-ing and stop "je-terrorizing" me.'

Tobias:Tobias: '...maybe you could start jeté-ing and stop "je-terrorizing" me.'

Tobias:Tobias watches his Hot Cops protégés dance in the club: 'Wow. You really have made some amazing strides in a half an hour.'

Tobias · Hot Cops:Tobias leads his Hot Cops gang into the street to perform tap dance as gang deterrence. They break into: 'So you think you're tough / Well, we hate rappin' / But don't bust a cap in / 'Cause here's what's happenin' / We're breakin' out some old-fashioned tappin''

Tobias:Tobias's tap rap: 'So you think you're tough / Well, we hate rappin' / But don't bust a cap in / 'Cause here's what's happenin' / We're breakin' out some old-fashioned tappin''

Tobias · Hot Cops:'Oh, I've been shot!' Tobias: 'We miscalculated! Retreat!' 'Quick, switch to Follies!' 'That's not gonna help!'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I'm afraid the Blue Man Group and I have parted ways. Seems I'm officially no longer a standby understudy. Cease and desist. Seems they don't appreciate competition.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'I need to prove to her that I'm not just a man, but a man's man.' Michael: 'I think she knows that.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'I think it's just my son's Peter and the Wolf record.' Tobias: 'I thought that was a homefill.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'Tobias came across a flyer that promised to improve both his masculine self-image and his financial standing. They're literally blue, not sad.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Moses Taylor:Lindsay's heel breaks, Tobias shoots her with a tranquilizer dart trying to 'catch the wolf,' Moses Taylor runs away — 'I'm being saved by Frank Wrench. No, you're not.'

Auction MC · Tobias:The bidding for tranquilized Lindsay: 'Hundred dollars? Anybody got 50? My wife is humiliated.' / 'Twenty?' / 'Ten? Does anybody have 10?'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'I haven't been the perfect husband. I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.' — then begs Michael for money to bid, describing why: 'You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.'

Michael · Tobias · Auctioneer:Michael accidentally bids $5,000 on Lindsay when trying to help Tobias

Tobias:Tobias: 'I think you overpaid.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will. So now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.'

Tobias · Attendant:Tobias goes to check out the romance package alone: finds body chocolate, moans, 'It's a wonderful package. I'll take it.' Attendant: 'You just did.'

Tobias:Tobias imagines Lucille shrieking 'Where's Tobias?' and narrates: 'Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in—'

Tobias:Tobias: 'You can zing your arrow into my buttocks anytime.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'I just screwed my brother-in-law.' Tobias appears: 'Well, I'm all grown up now.'

Tobias:Tobias on horseback: 'You certainly didn't help with my reputation as a lady's man with Jeff. But we'll clear all that up in the spa when I get my facial.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'Hey, did you ever get that tape recorder?' Tobias: '[Chuckles] You're funny. Come on, boy. Hoo-cha-cha!'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'Perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word 'afraid'?' Michael: 'Well, I know I used it in the Jacuzzi. And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias psychoanalyzes Michael: Michael makes up 'imaginary problems like this merger' because he's afraid to ask Sally out and say 'No.' Michael: 'You're probably right — about me being afraid of the word 'No,' but the merger's real.'

Tobias · Michael:Lucille! Lindsay? / Wait, wait, wait. Lindsay's here? With two men? / Sort of one and a half.

Michael · Tobias · Lucille 2:In the robe confusion, Michael doesn't recognize Lucille 2 and says 'And, miss, I don't know your name' — then Tobias appears and reveals Lucille 2 is there.

Tobias:Tobias: 'I had no idea a 90-year-old man could cave in my chest cavity like that.'

Lindsay · Dragon · Tobias:Lindsay: 'Dragon, would you mind carrying my husband to the car?' — Dragon immediately snaps a rib.

Dragon · Tobias:Dragon: 'I think I snapped one of his ribs.' Tobias: 'No. It's my leg.' Dragon: 'I'll bet that would hurt.'

Jack Dorso · Michael · Tobias:Jack examines Tobias's leg injury using duct tape. Michael: 'I think this duct tape is the only thing that's keeping the ankle on.' Jack: 'Oh. Right around there. Oh. I think you're right inside me now.'

Tobias:TAG: Tobias listens to his tape recorder. Tape: 'Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.' Tobias: 'Nothing wrong with that.' Tape: 'I've been in the film business for a while but I just can't seem to get one in the can.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tape: 'I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak.' Tobias finally realizes something is wrong. Narrator: 'And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.' Tobias: 'Tobias, you blowhard!'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay says 'Oh, how delicious!' then 'Oh, hey, let's not spin in the comfy chair' then 'Look at this delicious piece of irony. I'm being sued for divorce.' — referring to Tobias being sued, not herself.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'There's something we never had, huh, Lindsay? Oh, no.' — about a pregnancy test

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias: 'We had to create our little Frankenstein monster out of science and money and just a dash of—' [notices Maeby] 'Maeby, what— h-how long have you been standing there?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Seems like only yesterday you were bursting forth from your mother's fertile womb.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Michael:Lindsay and Tobias agree to break into Maggie's house to collect a urine specimen. Lindsay: 'We will be like Tracy and Hepburn.' Tobias bursts in: 'What do you say, you old poop?' Michael: 'Oh, God, he's Hepburn.'

Tobias · Lucille:Tobias diagnoses Lucille with 'a psychological concept known as denial' — then Lucille: 'You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.'

Tobias:Tobias's response to Lucille's devastating takedown: 'Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay 'cloaks herself in Maggie's scent' using Maggie's perfume because 'she was blind when she bought this.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Lindsay and Tobias in Maggie's shower: 'That's the first time we were in the shower since our honeymoon. And this time, no tears.'

Lindsay · Tobias:The Fünkes discover the fake pregnant belly/fat suit in the mystery box — a prosthetic stomach.

Tobias:Tobias arrives to deliver the pregnancy confirmation: 'My wife and I finally had the thrill of seeing a plus sign on a pregnancy test. You're gonna be a daddy!'

Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias:Narrator reveals Lindsay and Tobias broke into Maggie's house to hide in her bathroom and collect/test her urine.

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:Lindsay and Tobias claim to know where their daughter Maeby is. 'She's with her debate club, and they're on their way to Sacremende for the semifinals.' Narrator: 'She wasn't. And a Google search of the word "Sacremende" only came up with this.'

Michael · Lindsay · Tobias:Michael asks where 'your child' is. Lindsay and Tobias: 'I don't have a child, Michael.' / 'We don't have a child, Michael.' Then both realize: 'Did you mean Maeby?'

Narrator · Tobias · Lindsay:Narrator: 'It was Loretta's urine that Tobias and Lindsay ended up testing — a fact they missed when they were making out in the shower.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias's vanity plate for being cast as 'Frightened Inmate Number Two' — and the narrator notes 'this wasn't the first time'

Carl Weathers · Tobias:Carl Weathers to Tobias at Burger King: 'Thanks for meeting me down here at Burger King. I'm tryin' to get them to underwrite a new TV project I'm workin' on. Get some money in exchange for settin' a scene here in Burger King. As long as you don't draw attention to it.'

Tobias · Carl Weathers:Tobias: 'I could not betray my family like that.' / Carl: 'Come on, man. I've got every part cast except for George Sr.' / Tobias: 'I want that part.' / Carl: 'Then sign over the rights.'

Tobias · George Sr.:Tobias practicing his George Sr. voice in the attic: '[Low] I'm George Sr.' / George Sr. appears: 'That's not my voice.'

George Sr. · Tobias:George Sr.'s condition for Tobias playing him: 'If you play me, you gotta play me like a man and not some mincing little Polly or Nellie.' / 'I get those names confused. Apologies. Apologies all around.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias (as George Sr.) slaps a jar out of Lindsay's hand: 'You don't need the calories.'

Tobias:Tobias (still in George Sr. mode) rejects Lindsay: 'This isn't working.' / 'I'm sorry. You've got the wrong Motherboy.'

Dave Attell (character) · Tobias:'Then what the hell am I wearin' these for? Look at that.' / [Tobias appears to be wearing cutoffs under his pants] / Tobias: 'It's a thing. There's dozens of us.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Did I get lines? God! They told me I was just jumping onto a moving stair car.'

Lindsay · Tobias:'On the next Arrested Development' tag: Lindsay: 'I have never been more attracted to you.' / Tobias: 'Wow. The service sent you over fast.' / Lindsay: 'Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I'm in the wrong trailer.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias in Lindsay's lingerie: 'Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.'

Tobias:You're kicking me out? At the beginning of pilot season?

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias takes up residence in Detective Frank Wrench's apartment on the set of the TV show 'Wrench.'

Tobias:Tobias calls from the fake TV set bathroom: 'Hey, I can't talk loudly. I'm in the bathroom of the Wrench set and they've started shooting. Also, I don't think this is a real toilet.'

Tobias:Tobias, mid-call, says a line from the TV show he's on set for: 'You're a dirty cop, so Frank Wrench is going to clean you.' — then is discovered on set.

Tobias · Lindsay · Narrator:Tobias arrives as 'Mrs. Featherbottom' — a female housekeeper from 'Blackstool' — wearing drag and a British accent

Tobias · Maeby:Mrs. Featherbottom gives Maeby 'fun-fun' (phen-phen): 'Now take your fun-fun.' / Maeby: 'This is my mom's. And it's Phen-phen. And it's been banned by the FDA.'

Tobias:Mrs. Featherbottom sings a song about reading medication labels — a Mary Poppins-style number about a mundane FDA topic

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom: 'I'm sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.' / Maeby: 'Not enough to be honest with me.'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom to Maeby: 'I'm sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias produces a résumé from 'Gobias Industries' — pronounced with a hard G — which stands for 'Go buy us a cup of coffee'

Tobias:'Booyah!' — Tobias pulls out the résumé, already anticipating Michael would ask for one

Michael · Tobias:'It looks like you might be a little too qualified' — Michael finds a way to reject Tobias after the Gobias reveal

Tobias · Michael:Tobias appoints himself Michael's new assistant on the spot without being hired

Tobias · Ted · Michael:Tobias ejects Ted from the office: 'No. Well, then, Ted can get the hell out of this office!' — then announces 'And that's how you keep out unwanted visitors'

Tobias:'Let me take off my assistant skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit'

Tobias · Michael:Mrs. Featherbottom (Tobias in disguise) arrives to nurse Michael: 'My baby is sick, but Mother is here to nurse you.' Michael: 'Well, now I'm a little sicker.'

Tobias:Tobias pivots from the medical discussion: 'Or it could be your colon. I'd want to get in there and find some answers.'

George Sr. · Tobias:George Sr. hears the employees need reassurance and responds with a triumphant 'Booyah!' — which refers to Tobias being sent to the office

Tobias:Tobias addresses the employees: 'My name is Dr. Tobias Fünke and I'll be filling in for Michael, who is not sick.' [Nervous chuckle]

Tobias:'In fact, just today I saw a sliver of his buttocks and they're as fresh and firm as a Georgia peach, so not to worry.'

Tobias:'But before you all rise up and say, "Well, let's make this man our leader," well, I think that won't be necessary after you see this.'

Tobias · Narrator:FBI news broadcast plays the tape — which ends with Tobias in turban saying 'This is my demand. Booyah!'

Tobias:Tobias addresses the press: 'Michael Bluth is not... in Iraq.' — with a hesitation

Narrator · FBI Agent · Tobias:FBI interprets George Sr.'s message tape as a 'terrorist training film' — the footage is Tobias in karate gear shouting 'You're not half the man he was!'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator reveals Tobias had been posing as an English nanny named Mrs. Featherbottom

Tobias:Who'd like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right. I forgot. Here in the States you call it a sausage in the mouth.

Tobias:I'm sure she would have ironed it for you had you told her about it before she changed out of her bloody work clothes. But I am off then.

Michael · Tobias:I had it once. A man I loved — / [Tobias enters] Here's young Maeby's blouse. / And then things took a turn somehow.

Tobias · George Michael:Master Bluth. I haven't seen you in a week's time. / Actually, you tried to put a banger in my mouth this morning.

Tobias · Buster · Lucille:Sorry. Just stuffing the mushroom. / You realize that's Tobias, don't you? / If he's gonna raid my closet, he's gonna work for it.

Tobias · Maeby:[Tobias attempts an entrance to enchant his daughter] [Singing In Falsetto] / Ohhhh! / We shan't be telling your mother this, shan't we?

Tobias:Tobias falls attempting a dramatic entrance for Maeby while singing in falsetto, injures his ankle

Tobias:Whenever I get a wee bit scared I hum a little tune / Hum diddle diddly / Hum di-do

Tobias · Michael:Jolly news, governor. Young master's proposing. / George Michael? I told him not to. He said he wouldn't. / Well, this was before he saw you pounding that sweet piece of veal.

Tobias · Michael:Oh, he left with Lady Lindsay — / Tobias, where are they? / It is me. It's Tobias.

Michael · Tobias:We're tryin' to figure that out. Apparently Pop-Pop kidnapped Gangy, and I have no idea where George Michael is — or Lindsay. / I just saw them drive off. They're gonna go look for Bland.

Tobias:I had this shipped over from 'Blackstool.' It's what I used to drive the Roger Moores about in.

Tobias:[Mrs. Featherbottom] Oh, mercy me! I keep forgetting I'm in the colonies.

Tobias · Narrator:Look at all the bobbies. [Chuckles] / Oh, no. My wig seems to have run off. / [Narrator] On George Sr., as it turned out.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.' / Lindsay: 'You can pack your junk and get out.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'You're kicking me out? At the beginning of pilot season?'

Narrator · Tobias:Tobias takes up residence in the apartment of 'Detective Frank Wrench' on the set of the TV show 'Wrench'

Tobias:Tobias calling from the set bathroom: 'I don't think this is a real toilet.' [tapping]

Tobias · Narrator:Man on set: '...dirty cop, so Frank Wrench is gonna clean ya.' / [sounds of a scuffle] / 'Why is this door locked?'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias appears at Lindsay's door in full drag as 'Mrs. Phyllidia Featherbottom' — the housekeeper from 'the agency'

Tobias:Tobias/Phyllidia offers to 'sing a song or two, if it comes in handy' — then performs a creepy musical number about medications

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias (as Mrs. Featherbottom) singing to Maeby off-key, presenting her mother's banned fen-phen as 'Fun-fun': 'Oh! Well. You should always read the label'

Tobias · Maeby:Tobias/Phyllidia takes a pill from Maeby — Maeby explains it's her mom's fen-phen, 'banned by the FDA'

Maeby · Tobias:Maeby clocks that 'Mrs. Featherbottom' calls her 'he' and says 'Mr. Fingerbottom?' — then is immediately shut down

Tobias:Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom: 'I'm sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.'

Tobias · Lucille · Narrator:'On the next Arrested Development' — Lucille finds a new housekeeper: it's Tobias again (as Mrs. Featherbottom), giving Lucille a ride in a car while doing laundry — 'Yoo-hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!'

Tobias · Lucille:[Lucille and Tobias/Featherbottom both crying in the car while Tobias sings]

Michael · Tobias:Michael finds Tobias's resignation letter and says 'I'm sorry, Tobias. Do you work here?'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'Do I work- I developed an eating disorder being your assistant, Michael.' / Michael: 'I never saw you at the desk.' / Tobias: 'Well, excuse me if I was too busy on my knees in front of the toilet, Michael.'

Narrator · Tobias:The Blue Man Group has dropped their cease-and-desist and invited Tobias to audition

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator reveals Tobias was 'asked to address a group of depressed men who had been described over the phone as blue' — cut to Tobias in full blue body paint addressing a depression support group

Tobias:Tobias: 'I feel like a [bleep] idiot.' / Narrator: 'Fortunately, I found a wonderful circle of men to get me through that.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias booked a 4pm meeting with Kitty without telling Michael. 'Why didn't you tell me?' / 'Oh, this is my fault too?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Everything- No. No! I will not let this make me eat!' [Sobbing]

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias and Lindsay subplot: Lindsay refuses to uproot her life for Vegas; Tobias says maybe this means they should split; Lindsay thought they already were split

Tobias:Tobias: 'Oh, I see you wasted no time in filling my seat hole.'

Kitty · Tobias:Kitty: 'It's the last time you're going to be seeing these.' [goes to flash] Tobias: 'How ironic. I just found out I'm staying.'

Tobias:Tobias to Kitty: 'Wow, you are so real. Why can't I meet someone like you?'

Tobias:Michael: 'Are you trying to set up your former assistant with your current assistant? What a great idea for a Hugh Grant-Julia Roberts type movie.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I recently heard that the actor, John Larroquette, was looking for a meaty character piece.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I know you're in the middle of something, but I'm afraid I can't work for you today. I'm going to Vegas with Kitty.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'Tobias, I actually fought for you.' / 'I can't believe it.' / [chuckles] / 'I'm going to Vegas with Kitty.'

Tobias · Blue Man Group Recruiter:Tobias and Kitty go to Vegas only to find the Blue Man Group role has been filled: 'You found someone already?' / 'Just came out of nowhere, this guy. And the great thing is, he's never out of character.'

Tobias · Michael · Narrator:Tobias is working at Swallows as a waiter — having 'destroyed his life' to join Blue Man Group, only to find the role was already cast

Tobias:Tobias: 'Leaving Lindsay was the biggest little mistake I've ever made.' Then: 'Damn this pride of mine!' — immediately followed by his boss telling him to flip cushions in the grind room

Kitty · Tobias · Michael:Lindsay reveals Kitty's blue handprints — Tobias: 'Say goodbye to these!' — the handprints are also blue

Tobias · Michael:'I just have to break down the salad bar and set up the leather pony.' — Michael: 'What's a leather pony?' Tobias: 'I don't know. We don't have that at lunch.'

Tobias:Tobias calls Lindsay from Swallows: 'I can't leave Kitty. Just with, all the sexual intercourse and whatnot.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Lindsay assumes the person on the phone is Kitty — 'What if Kitty's not there and I'm less of a Blue Man and more of a cocktail waitress?'

Tobias:Tobias stages a fake tableau with a Kitty lookalike to make Lindsay jealous using the Blue Man makeup — delivered with a rhyming couplet: 'If this tableau I recreate, perhaps I can re-snare my mate.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Barry:Lindsay catches Tobias with (fake) Kitty: 'Get your hands off my husband, Kitty.' Then: 'I want a divorce.' Barry: 'And I would be thrilled to represent either one of you. That'll be $50.'

Tobias:Excuse me. I was just looking for a marker... A Magic Marker.

Tobias:I so very much would like to be in your 'prostate-icular' as your look-alike.

Gob · Tobias:They're gonna see the ink. It's more of a leading man role. But it's not really done that way. Guess I shouldn't have used a permanent marker.

Tobias · Michael:Lot of that was the coma. / Yeah. I've heard your side of it.

Costume Shop Owner · Tobias:Oh, look who's back. / Are you gonna buy this time, or you just curious?

Tobias:I suppose I'm, uh, buy-curious.

Tobias · Costume Shop Owner:I have a big TV opportunity. / This is where all the big TVs come.

Tobias:Let's start with the Eve Arden.

Tobias · Tobias (correcting himself):Gob, I know you're looking for a twin for your illusion, and there's somebody I'd like to put in a plug for. / Correction: make that 4,000 plugs.

Gob · Tobias:Oh, God! / Oh, come on. / Mr. Gay, he's bleeding. Mr. Gay... / No, no, no — I was scared too, but I realized it was of being a leading man.

Tobias:Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading-man parts in my mouth.

Gob · Tobias:All right, the trick has changed. We want you to play me now. / Oh, but that would mean I'd have to sh— / Shave my very tender head. I see.

Tobias:Okay. Well, perhaps I jumped the gun on those new head shots.

Narrator · Gob · Tobias:And at that moment, Gob chose to show his own son what he was capable of. / I've decided I will be performing the feat... myself. / Wait. We're back to hair?

Gob · Tobias:I've decided I will be performing the feat myself. / Wait, we're back to hair?

Tobias · Narrator:Boy. Did I catch a break. [Tobias having found it too painful to part with his new hair, so he opted for a bald cap]

Tobias:I fooled his own son. I am a leading man.

Tobias:I'm guessing 'have sex', but that's meeting you more than halfway.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'If I can get Hope this crown, maybe her father might just want to crown me, if you know what I mean.' Tobias: 'I'm guessing have sex, but that's meeting you more than halfway.'

Tobias:Tobias asks someone to clean up the mirror, then the vase — implying he's broken things in a dramatic moment, visible to the audience

Tobias · George Michael:Tobias: 'I'll show them a little T and A.' — George Michael's reaction shot

Tobias:Tobias on coaching Ann: 'Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I think we need something with a little more spectacle in the act. Something that will make you look small and pretty in comparison. A camel.'

Tobias · Ann:Ann: 'I'll sing to the camel.' Tobias: 'Yes, we can Google some disco songs with the word hump in them.' Ann: 'No, that sounds a bit racy.'

Tobias · George Michael:Tobias to George Michael: 'He may be afraid of sex, but you're not going to win without it.' George Michael: '...' Tobias: 'Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it, go.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Ann, you need to decide whether you want a man or a boy. I know how I'd answer.'

Michael · George Sr. · Tobias:Well, maybe you oughta see a doctor. — Yeah, but he's too busy going to the gym to see his friend Frank. — Oh, we're more than friends. I'm kind of his spotter. — Missed a spot.

Tobias · Frank:I've been wanting to have my own awkward talk as well. I think we can be more than just gym buddies.

Tobias · Frank:You're blowing my mind, Frank. — I'm an agent, and I'd like to work with you. — Oh. Oh! Well, that is great news.

Tobias · Narrator:Her grades are terrible. She's gonna start getting F's. — Actually, she'd already gotten one...

Tobias:You know what, you're one to talk. You've completely ignored this family since that British bird flew into your life.

Tobias · Michael · Narrator:She's that Rita Leeds? Wasn't she on the cover of Newsweek? — No. — Yes. — Michael was thinking of this man.

Michael · Tobias:The whole backside has moles. — That's Frank's problem too.

George Sr. · Michael · Lucille · Tobias:Somebody tipped them off that the property wasn't ready for building. Which it would have been if Michael hadn't been so busy with his English muffin. — Typical. — Delicious. — I need a drink. — I'll take an English muffin.

Tobias:I shall be a bigger, hairier mole than the one on your inner left thigh.

Frank (CIA) · Tobias:We need to capture George Sr. — Capture George Sr.? What... Is that what you hired me to do? — You didn't realize that? — No. But it does make perfect sense. I have played him before.

Tobias:It's gonna be tough to work that into the character and it's going to fight the costume I rented, but I didn't take six weeks of improv classes at the Groundlings for nothing.

Narrator · Tobias:So, as you can see, any rumor of a mole problem is completely untrue. But, unfortunately, this was just as Tobias appeared in his rented mole outfit.

Tobias · Gob · others:I'm a mole! — Not the village! — Families can come... Ow! Ow! — I'm very particular about building codes. — The water tower.

Tobias · Gob:Families can come... Ow! Ow! — I'm very particular about building codes. — The water tower. — And this water tower does not pass muster.

George Michael · Tobias:I can't stop this thing! — You're blowing my audition! — I ache with embarrassment.

Michael · Tobias:What is that? It's feedback. Is someone else wired? — Oh, that's me. My friend Frank wired me.

Tobias:I have to get this suit back.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias in a wheelchair/dolly: 'No, no, no, it's a dolly to help videotape your nuptials.' Michael: 'I don't think I need any footage of my nuptials.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Okay, so my legs and my left arm occasionally go to sleep, and you want to call it a health problem.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias: 'Oh, like when they say poofter to mean tourist, yes.' Narrator: 'Boy, that Rita's a smarty.'

Tobias · Gob:Oh, she's right. This is going to be great for me, because I'm going to star in the video Gob's making for the gala. / Oh, yeah, it'll be very uplifting.

Tobias · Gob:Oh! Oh! This is going to hurt! / You know what? We're going to need this from another angle. / And you sure you're okay? / Oh, probably. I can't feel anything. / How's my hair?

Tobias · George Michael:Come on, don't leave your Uncle Teabag hanging. / Please don't call yourself that.

Gob · Tobias:But what was Tobias to do? Have his hair plugs removed? / The doctor says I'd be completely healed if I were to do that.

Gala guests · Tobias:He just needs his hair plugs out?! / Doctor says that's the cure. / There's a cure?! / No way. That horse hair is my ticket back into society.

Tobias · Lindsay:Only the best-looking and best educated lawyer in the whole O.C. / Don't call it that.

Tobias:You want me to be explicit? [Tobias misinterprets legal language about explicit promises as an invitation for something sexual]

Treat (Lawyer) · Tobias:Now, my client has not pursued sex outside of this marriage. / Nor in it.

Tobias:I feel like I'm making a friend in you. So, I was wondering if maybe tonight you just want to, uh... take in a movie, or a shvitz... or just stay in and nest.

Bob Loblaw · Tobias:Actually, I was going to stay in my office tonight and work on my law blog. / Of course — the 'Bob Loblaw Law Blog.' / Wow. You, sir, are a mouthful!

Tobias:if I may take off my acting pants for a moment and pull my analrapist stocking over my head

Tobias · Michael:I think he may have developed what we in the soft sciences refer to as obsessive-compulsive disorder. Or the O.C. disorder. / Don't call it that.

Tobias:Non-traditional mother. Yes, you're right. After all, I am her father.

Tobias:Well, well, I understand you've been having trouble with that expensive boarding school. That's right, I can read.

Tobias:It's a parenting tape. / There's a new daddy in town. A discipline daddy.

Tobias:We are going to stuff each one of these gift bags with a head shot, some glitter, and a decorative hand soap. And don't forget the funny notes. 'I know where you live. Ha-ha.' Casting directors hate this. They really do.

Tobias · Maeby:Now what we do is we paint our lips Joan Crawford red, pop on a little blue eyeliner... / Why the blue eyeliner? / Well, she felt that her eyes were too close together.

Michael · Tobias · Talking Magazine:And for some reason this stack of bodybuilding magazines. / Well, I guess your dad must've had these from way back when, huh? / My name is... / That seems kind of current.

Tobias:Who am I trying to kid, Michael? I was trying to beef up to impress that wife of mine. But now she's after some rich guy who's trying to kill his mom.

Tobias · Lindsay:And he talked me into protesting, too. Show me your sign. / [Tobias shows 'PULL THE PLUG' on one side] / No, the other side.

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:I'm trying to get on with my life, and you know what? You can't deal with it. / No, I can't, Lindsay. You're not interested in me. And you're not capable of intimacy. / Well, just fake it! / Coma. / And believe it or not, that actually got through to them.

Tobias:Well, I spend so much time making sweet love on my wife that it's hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts and...

Tobias:Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.

Tobias:Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.

Tobias · Lindsay:The extended sex-postponement negotiation: seven or eight days → couple of weeks → three weeks → a month → start of next month → 31-day month, even though this particular month has 30 days.

Tobias · Lindsay:Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of 'won'ts.' / Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list of 'can'ts.'

Narrator · George Michael · Tobias · Lindsay:Marital love can be so romantic. / What's that supposed to mean? / What? / Marital love. You were looking right at me, and you said 'marital love.'

Tobias · Michael:K-Y Pro, huh? / Hey, don't get any moisture on these bab...

Michael · Tobias:Kind of remember these being faster, you know? / Yeah, well, we were probably all so jacked up on amyl and disco music, we didn't notice.

Tobias · Michael:I was hoping to have a jaw session with you. / Well, why don't we just say — as long as that means a talk.

Tobias · Michael:I find myself attracted to someone who is not my wife. / What's her name? / Michael. / Can you believe it? / You're married to my sister.

Tobias · Michael:Don't you think I know that?! / I-I'm not interested in you that way. / What way? / Pick one.

Tobias:Interesting that your mind went there, though.

Tobias:I'm afraid the Michael I'm talking about is all lady.

Tobias:I'll tell you, if I wasn't so dripping and disgustingly sweaty right now, I'd hop over this desk and give you such a hug.

Michael · Tobias:Hey, coulda, shoulda, woulda. Hey, hey. No, no. Ooh, look, number's up. / Well, it would've been a seven.

Tobias:Oh, it's Tobias. Michael, look, this has got to stop. I mean, flattered? Yes. Interested? Not tonight.

Tobias:It was her idea. She wanted to get a drink. I know it's crazy. I mean, I'm married. And the carbs!

Tobias · Michael:That's why sometimes life is about making difficult... / Sandwiches. I know.

Tobias:You read my mind.

Michael · Tobias:Next to that guy? / What guy? / That guy. / No, that's her. / Him? / That's a girl.

Tobias:So nice to meet you, girl Michael.

Lindsay · Tobias · Nellie:Michael. / Oh, my God, my husband! / Oh, my God, my wife! / Are you two here for each other?

Lindsay · Tobias · Nellie:- How dare you?! - How dare you?! / - And with another woman! - And with another man! / Wait, wait. You didn't plan this together?

Tobias:I just assumed you wanted a Holy Trinity.

Lindsay · Tobias:Absolutely not! / We're a happily married couple. / Yes, who happen to be very much in love with each other.

Tobias:Tobias: 'If I look like a man who made love to his wife last night, it's because I almost did. That's why.'

Tobias · Michael · Narrator:Tobias explains finishing off the vodka: 'It goes bad once it's opened.' Michael: 'I think that's another one of Mom's little fibs. You know, like I'll sacrifice anything for my children.'

Tobias:Tobias says he got a call to play 'a very important part in The Prosecution' and assumes it's a CBS procedural.

Tobias:Tobias: 'Although they didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias says the prosecution 'asked for old photos and documents so I went and got these out of the secret room.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'The prosecution is not a TV show.' Tobias: 'These guys will bend the law to enforce the law. Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'These Hollywood shows are so incredibly detailed.' / 'For set dressing, silly.' — re: why prosecutors want old documents

Michael · Tobias:Michael's non-response when Tobias asks 'Including me?' about the prosecution coming after the family, followed by Michael awkwardly pivoting to Maeby's birthday.

Tobias · Wayne Jarvis:Tobias's 'audition' for the prosecutor: 'A flower in my garden, a mystery in my panties.' Wayne Jarvis: 'Again, this is not an audition for a CBS show.' Tobias: 'I was just looking for some feedback.' Jarvis: 'It was a little contrived.'

Tobias:Tobias defends his family to Jarvis: people 'who wouldn't know good acting if it marched through the door and gave them headshots and decorative soaps.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'He's a classic scrapbooker. Right down to the woman's suit.' — as Tobias takes the scrapbooking flier.

Narrator · Tobias:The scrapbooking class turns out to be a D.A. sting — the pre-made template pages include 'Foreign Bank Statements' and 'Shh! Family Secrets' alongside 'My Favorite Birthday.'

Tobias · Maeby:'On the Next Arrested Development' tag: Tobias gives Maeby a scrapbook with 'a picture of your mother pregnant' and 'a whole series of your head starting to crown.'

Tobias:'Look at you -- so full of wonder and shock. You still do it. And so does he! Boy, you guys really are related.' — as Tobias reacts to seeing the same expressions on Maeby and someone else.

Tobias:'Boy, you guys really are related.' — Tobias's closing observation

Tobias · Maeby · Lindsay:And there you are, Maeby, coming out of your mother's third base.

Lucille · Tobias:I, for one, will not go back to wondering whether there's going to be enough food on the table. / Might wanna start worrying about the table.

Tobias:I couldn't see through the glasses, and I slid into the ladder.

Michael · Tobias:You can't do that. / They're my shares. / No, I mean, you can't spoon me like that.

Michael · Tobias:We need a new venue for the shareholders' party, and it cannot be a boat. / Now, if you can find something, maybe I can fudge the books. Get you a Bluth Company salary. Maybe call you an events coordinator.

Tobias:Can we just lay here for a second while I think about it?

Tobias · Michael · Buster:We're having it at the Queen Mary. / Queen Mary? That's a ship. / Oh, no, no, no. It's a chain of popular nightclubs. / Although I haven't been to this particular location. / It's on the Long Beach Harbor. / That's the ship. / Don't worry about it. They've actually welded it to the dock.

Tobias:Don't worry about it. They've actually welded it to the dock.

Tobias · Michael · Lucille:Although I should call the Hot Cops and tell them to come up with something more nautically themed. / Hot Sailors. / Better yet, Hot Se... / I like Hot Sailors. / Mm, me too.

Lucille · Tobias:Lucille: 'At least I was able to turn my Queen around.' / Tobias: 'None taken.'

Lucille · Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:Lucille: 'You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you?' / Lindsay: 'Adopted daughter.' / Tobias (narrator intro): 'This is Tobias Fünke, who should have taken more.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Your brother, uh... Michael? Sorry. I was thinking of Mike, the hot seaman.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay says 'Yeah, we should end it.' simultaneously as Tobias says 'Let's give it another shot.' — their complete misalignment revealed in one beat.

Tobias:Tobias bursts in: 'I got the part!' — responding to Lindsay's tearful declaration of rekindled love.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay and Tobias stumble through their financial disclosures: 'No income flow... no incoming income flow... plenty of outgoing income. No savings, no credit.'

Tobias · Lindsay · Real Estate Agent:Tobias: 'Work ethic!' — then immediately corrected: 'Right. No work ethic.' But they do have 'a daughter.'

Real Estate Agent · Lindsay · Tobias:The escalating house tour: one-bedroom becomes three-bedroom becomes five-bedroom with four-car garage, butler's kitchen, wine cellar, separate master bathrooms, and double gatehouse — all because no one will say no.

Lindsay · Tobias · Real Estate Agent:The 'that way we have it' escalation — Lindsay, Tobias, and the agent spiral into a loop of agreeing they'll 'have' progressively more rooms/features they don't need.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'Maeby, you're gonna be late for school.' Tobias: 'God, they grow up so slowly.'

Tobias · Lindsay:The Roomba is 'dead' again — 'Ran out of juice before it could reach its...' — Visual gag of the robot vacuum stranded in the unfurnished house.

Tobias · Lindsay:Well, it probably shouldn't affect our area. / He's over by where the fountain is.

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'But you and I are okay, right? I mean, this works, right?' / Lindsay: 'Never better.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'But how am I supposed to say something like, 'I love you, Mother,' and sound believable?' / Tobias: 'Or it's why you're out of work!'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'I have been dying to go to that Method Acting Clinic... But you won't let me!' / Lindsay: 'Because you already wasted all that money on Carl Weathers' Master Acting Class.'

Tobias:Tobias blames being a 'star (BLEEP)' for why he didn't absorb Carl Weathers' Acting Masterclass

Tobias:Tobias: 'I'm sorry, but I'm such a star (BLEEP) that I didn't pay attention to anything he said!'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay sincerely tells Tobias 'I really love you, Tobias.' / Tobias: 'Oh, Lindsay, we have got to get you to that acting clinic.' — Then: 'And that was with me picturing fudge.'

Tobias · Receptionist:Tobias, at what he thinks is a Method Acting Clinic, starts filling out a form with 'how you first got hooked.' He answers: 'You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.' / Receptionist: 'No, Mame.' / Tobias: 'No, ma'am... You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:The clinic turns out to be the 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.' Lindsay: 'What did you say the name of this acting class was again?' / Tobias: 'Method One Clinic.' — The sign reads 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:What did you say the name of this acting class was again? / Method One Clinic. / 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias in the car: 'It's so fun to have another couple to go out with.' / Lindsay: 'He's amazing... He's a real activist, like me.' / Tobias: 'And she's a real actress, like me!'

Tobias:Tobias about DeBrie: 'Oh, she used to be in big movies, but then, like a lot of actors, the teeth go... But she is the perfect age to be a Hollywood actress, 42.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Marky Bark:Lindsay: 'Do I like Barter?' / Tobias: 'No, it means they don't deal with money.' / 'That's why I swiped that methadone tray.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Oh, no. He just took some methadone. He thought he was driving with a cocktail tray.'

Tobias · Waitress:The barter negotiation: 'Cocktail tray, light scratching — for mozzarella sticks. Six, no sauce.' / 'And maybe some sparkling water.' / 'I'm sorry, sir. We're no longer taking hotel soaps.'

Host · Tobias:A lot of people couldn't handle a dumpster dive for their first double date. / Is that what this is?

DeBrie · Tobias:DeBrie eats all the butter at the table — Tobias tries to improvise a scene with her. 'Oh, I'm out. She's too good. I don't know who my guy is. I don't have a guy.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Maeby:The Thanksgiving flashback/reference: a live duck wandered into the house, the family chased it into the oven — 'This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever.' / 'It's a miracle!'

Lindsay · Marky Bark · Tobias:Lindsay: 'He loves me?' / Marky: 'Sorry. False alarm.' / Tobias on phone: 'I don't love you.' / Marky: 'I got to go. Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby?'

Narrator · Tobias · C.W. Swappigan's Employee:And Tobias becomes addicted to his new profession. / I'm an addict, and I'm starving. / Yes, you are starving, so would you like some butter? / I could give you some butter, and you can pay for it with a shoe.

Tobias · Waitress:Tobias at Swappigan's: 'I'm an addict, and I'm starving.' / Swappigan's waitress: 'Yes, you are starving, so would you like some butter? I could give you some butter, and you can pay for it with a shoe.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Um, I'm sorry, but his guy's not giving my guy anything to react to. Could I get some more of that acting juice?'

Tobias · Narrator:What Sudden Valley does to these cell phones!

Tobias · Lindsay:I'm sorry. Everyone thinks I'm gay? / Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family.

Tobias:♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪ / 'Misleading?'

George Sr. · Tobias:Well, you look like I feel. / Gay? / No, I... No.

Narrator · Tobias:They're still reading it, but... Well, I guess I can leave them some Love. So he just took Eat and Pray.

Tobias:And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I'm a homosexual.

Tobias · Lindsay:A new start. Filled with compassion and love. / I like that. / Well, I've already got the license plate, so go cry in your pie!

Tobias:Well, there we go. India clean.

Tobias:I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus.

Tobias · Canadian Passenger:Canadian? / No, I'm American. / Yeah. I'm Canadian. / Sorry.

Tobias:How could they not have Failure to Launch?

Indian Doctor · Tobias:It's like that new show we just got, Laugh-In. / My name is... Oh! Now I've broken my skull in a third place! On this elephant guy statue!

Doctor · Tobias · Narrator:You should be a comedy actor. / And finally it had. / This is the sign I've been... Looking for.

Tobias · Narrator:Although, as we discovered when our MasterCard bill came back, it was the same one she took.

Tobias:For 2,000 rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey.

Tobias · Real Estate Agent:Listen, I'm an actor, you're an agent. You do the math. / In other words, you do the math. The money, the negotiating. / You know I'm not that kind of agent, right? I'm a real estate agent. I'm a predator.

Tobias · Real Estate Agent:All you need to do is tell people what a terrific actor I am, 'cause I can't do it believably. / Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work.

Tobias:Okay, here's the number of my current agent Mike Matthews. He's at Allstate. Fire him.

Tobias:Hi. I'm after pending. / Taft-Hartley pending.

Tobias · Lindsay:Including duck l'orange! / Lindsay! Lindsay, get the scooper! / Throw oranges at it. / Hot orange! Hot orange! / It's throwing its voice! Lindsay!

Tobias · Narrator:I believe he died as a warning, in a way, his message perhaps to live within our means and be realistic about our lives. / And yet it didn't. / Well, then I shall redouble my efforts so that he died in vain. / Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean.

Tobias:Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean. Yes, carry on. Thank you.

Lindsay · Tobias:What did you say the name of this acting class was again? / Method One Clinic. / Okay, I'm gonna go get coffee. / Garden Grove Method One Clinic.

Tobias · DeBrie:Okay, notes. First of all, it seemed you were slurring a bit there, and I just think you'd have so much more fun punching those words. / 'This is up, sir.' / I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the piece, so...

Tobias · Narrator:Well, I thought it was 'fantastic.' / Actually, most of the performance that had so captivated Tobias... was performed by a fishing line.

Tobias · DeBrie · Bystander:Hey, maybe she came into this Light Bulbs Unlimited. / She was here a minute ago. / This is the gayest Starbucks ever! / Did his fishing line break, too?

Tobias · DeBrie:Well, here is to our acting addiction. Yep. May we never be cured.

Tobias · DeBrie:DeBrie, are you crying? Oh, I'm crying. Oh, it's a nosebleed.

Tobias:Now I can see a pretty face under all that butter substitute.

Tobias:I've yet to make more money as an actor than I ever did as a doctor. And that's with CountryWide behind me.

DeBrie · Tobias:You're a doctor, and you're out of work. / Well... / You can write scripts? / Well, I like to think so. / You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts.

Tobias · DeBrie:Well, I like to think so. You should never give up a dream if you can write scripts. You seem like you'd be a good doctor-actor.

Tobias · DeBrie:Did you see my license plate, 'A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T'? / Did you see my StraightBait movie of the same name?

Tobias · DeBrie:Can I just improv my way out of a marriage? / Yes, and let's do this. / Blackout.

Narrator · DeBrie · Tobias:If you're wondering what 'too' referred to, it was this... / Let's do this. / Blackout. / And scene, as they say. / Her heart stopped! She's dying!

Medical Staff · Tobias · Doctor:Someone say 'butter' out here? / Oh, my God, that's a butter face. / How much butter did the patient have? / I don't know. A Star Trek chess set's worth.

Doctor · Paramedic · Tobias:Damn it, that Swappigan's puts more people in this hospital... / We got a 61-year-old male in full cardiac arrest coming through. / Be careful of her face! She's an actress!

Doctor · Tobias:How much butter did the patient have? I don't know. A Star Trek chess set's worth.

Tobias:We're both actors!

Doctor · Tobias:I'm afraid that you have tested positive for chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, pancreatitis, trichomonitis, non-gonococcal urethritis. All the itises, really, and there's also a host of osises. / Now, what this means in non-medical terms is that you have landed a real party girl.

Tobias · DeBrie · Doctor:You didn't tell me you had a drug problem. / We met at a methadone clinic. / Are you high? We met at an acting class. / The Method One... / There it is. I'm gonna let you guys hash this out.

Tobias:DeBrie, look, some people struggle with addiction. Other people are incapable of ever being nude. Everybody has something.

Tobias · DeBrie:When I first saw StraightBait, there were two men making love, but I couldn't take my eyes off of you. / You watched StraightBait? / Oh, just two, four and nine.

DeBrie · Tobias:You watched StraightBait? Oh, just two, four and nine.

Tobias · Bystanders:Come one, come all! Get your photo taken with Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four! / Hey, is that Jessica Alba? / No, this is the original Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux! / Who?

DeBrie · Tobias:I do have a law degree. / I know, I know, and I'm a doctor. But no, let's not settle.

Tobias · Bystander:They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo. / I assure you, there's nothing ambiguous about me. I'm Johnny Storm, the Human Flamer.

Tobias:And this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter-in-law.

Tobias · Narrator:Mr. Feinberg? Would it change your mind if I offered you a free Sue Storm armband? / It did not change his mind.

DeBrie · Tobias:Can they really make us leave Hollywood Boulevard? / Well, apparently in this instance, paper beats rock. / You have a rock? / No, I am your rock now.

Tobias:Ability to Be Invisible Person. / Actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster, and this is Ability to Be Invisible Person.

Child · Tobias · Police Officer:They're the Fantastic Four. / Actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster... / We're The Thing and the Invisible Girl. / You're under arrest.

Tobias · Police Officer:We're not gonna kill him, we're just gonna handcuff him. You can't shoot us 'cause it's not a felony.

DeBrie · Tobias:We're broke. / But you can't sell your Fantastic Four costume. I mean, that would be like a fisherman selling his fishing costume.

DeBrie · Tobias:No, I was gonna have sex with him. / For money. / What? No. Put that back on.

DeBrie · Tobias:Hey, I'm not a thing. / Hey, I am a thing.

Tobias · George Michael:Michael. / No, George Michael. / Somebody, help!

Lucille 2 · Tobias:How would you like to come work for me at Austerity? / The rehab center? That's yours? / Well, my brother Argyle runs it day-to-day.

Lucille 2 · Narrator · Tobias:It would only pay 120 grand a year to start. / Tobias, whose girlfriend had nearly sold her body for money in front of him, knew that everyone at some time had to face reality. / Ummmmmm... / But this wasn't the time. No.

DeBrie · Tobias:You turned it down? Mmm-hmm. / I almost a guy for a hamburger, and you turned down $120,000 a year?

Tobias · DeBrie:After all, a doctor in India told me that I have the gift to make people laugh. / Why are you crying? / You're worse than Marky. He couldn't see me, but you can't hear me.

Process Server · Tobias:Who are you supposed to be? / I'm The Thing from Fantastic Four. / You've been served.

Process Server · Tobias:Who are you supposed to be? I'm The Thing from Fantastic Four. You've been served.

Tobias · CIA Agent:Are you undercover as well? / I'm CIA. Not here for you, though. / Scoping out Imagine Entertainment.

Tobias:Daddy needs to get his rocks off.

Tobias:I'm here to see my little girl. / I wanted to show her Daddy's Thing.

John Beard · Tobias:How old is she? / I want to say 19? / But I like to think of her as 15.

John Beard (offscreen) · Narrator · Tobias:Well, you're free to go. She's not here. / But this creep won't take 'go' for an answer. / That's all right. I'll stay, I'll wait.

TV Crew · TV Producer · Tobias:Tell him there's a raccoon in the backyard. / Hey, guess what? There's a raccoon out on the patio! / Where is that little guy?

John Beard / Producer · Crew Member · Tobias:Tell him there's a raccoon in the backyard. / Hey, guess what? There's a raccoon out on the patio! / Where is that little guy?

John Beard (voiceover) · Tobias:And this guy turns out to be a real comedian. / I just broke my skull in a fourth place. The patio!

Tobias · Gob:I'm playing Roman Centurion Number Two. What are you playing? I'm the groom.

Tobias:I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but His Word magazine called my Jew 'pitiful.'

Tobias:Tobias introduces himself as a therapist and then immediately announces he is also a registered sex offender

Tobias:Tobias says 'Now, let's have a wrap-about' instead of a 'wrap-around' or discussion

Tobias · Narrator:Narrator explains Tobias was arrested 'despite his innocence' — flashback to Tobias asking arriving police officers 'Oh, hey, Officers, are you here for the raccoon?' and then asking 'Oh, is this going to be SAG or AFTRA?'

Patient · Tobias:'Anus tart.' / 'Yep, that's me.'

Tobias · Narrator:Narrator explains Tobias 'had, after a particularly vicious beating with a soup ladle, changed his tune — but didn't want to look too eager.' Cut to Tobias saying simply: 'Yes.'

Tobias:Tobias announces: 'I'm also an analyst and a therapist, which makes me... a theralyst.'

Tobias · Mark Cherry:Mark Cherry clarifies 'Mark is my first name, Cherry is my last name' / Tobias: 'Oh, and Simon says you're out.'

Tobias:Tobias says 'I have a bit of a wit. Sometimes I have to tell people 'cause they can't figure it out from when I say the things that I...'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias says 'We're not doing a musical here' — cut to the episode being largely about putting on a musical

Tobias · Emmett:Tobias's 'Simon says you're out' recycled for Emmett — 'Simon says you're out. No, I was being witty.'

Tobias · Emmett:Emmett: 'I hoard.' Tobias: 'Now, that's what we call a breakthrough.' Emmett: 'That wasn't a breakthrough.'

Tobias:Tobias to DeBrie: 'And I'm also a registered sex offender. How are you?'

Tobias:Tobias awkwardly navigating 'we were a couple of sorts... Or are, are a couple? Or... I...' — trailing off into offering 'a chat'

Tobias:Tobias tells Argyle he 'just had something on the air three weeks ago' — it was 'an as myself' — and then his reel plays the Hot Cops clip followed by 'Carl Weathers' and 'Dr. House'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias: 'When it comes to DeBrie, you don't have to worry about her being under pressure because she's a professional actress.' Narrator: 'Which also made its way onto Tobias's reel for some reason.'

DeBrie · Argyle · Tobias:DeBrie: 'I was in The Fantasticks.' / Argyle: 'Well...' / Tobias: 'Look at that. My sister and I played the young lovers.'

Narrator · Tobias · Argyle:Narrator: 'It was uncanny how much the two men had in common.' — both had 'Fantastic' connections, both called themselves 'Mr. Fantastic', cue ♪Mr. F.♪ sting

Tobias · DeBrie:DeBrie vomits on stage / loses a tooth — Tobias: 'Well, that's a good luck sign on Broadway. On the East Coast it's break a leg, on the West Coast it's lose a tooth.'

Tobias · Gob:Tobias casually tells Gob: 'I'm a registered sex offender, but things are good.'

Tobias:Tobias refers to 'the one she owns, not the one she famously went to 12 times' about Lucille 2's rehab center

Gob · Tobias:Gob: 'Well, looks like life is going pretty well for both of us, except that I'm broke.' / Tobias: 'And I'm a sex offender.'

Michael · Tobias:Tobias: 'There are no schools or libraries or Internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.' / 'You know, it's funny, I've been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have.'

Tobias:Tobias's director/therapist dual-hat confusion: 'I say that as your director. As your therapist, I'm happy that you're expressing yourself. But as a director, I don't have to like it. And I don't. But, also, good for you. Therapist now speaking. But, also, no.'

Tobias · DeBrie:DeBrie does one arm wave. Tobias: 'One move. Let's work with that. Let's use that. Or no move. Good. The power. And she's disappearing as we dance.'

Tobias:Tobias asks ballpark budget for a Broadway-level production of 'the eight minutes we have right now'

Tobias:Cost estimate: $700,000. Tobias: 'Hey! I can whistle. Ooh, we have to use that in the show.' / 'Now what if, say, I could raise between $50 and $100?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'This has happened to every Broadway show in the history of Broadway shows.' (about not having the rights)

Tobias:Tobias calls Ron Howard's office: 'Yes, this is Tobias Funke. I'm a registered sex offender, and I'd like to talk to Ron...'

Tobias · Michael:Michael vaguely describes his relationship problem to Tobias. Tobias: 'I appreciate your bravery. And I know everything seems doomed now...' / 'but trust me... we are (bleep). You're (bleep). (bleep). I mean, unless some sort of miracle coincidence happens.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'What I'm going to do for you, Michael, is I am going to go there with you for moral support and I will act as your assistant and maybe I'll do my famous gay character. I don't think you've seen that character.' / Michael: 'I think I have.' / Tobias: 'Mm... I don't think so.'

Tobias:Tobias interrupts the meeting: 'Tobias Funke. I am a producer as well. But I'm also an actor. That's probably what confused you. Um, I've done several inmate roles as well as a couple of And as it is such, so also as such is it unto you's, but I'll get to you after.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I get it. I was arrested as a sex offender, but at least I knew it was my daughter I was arrested for coming on to. Now, about my project, it's a family piece.'

Tobias:Tobias pitches the Fantastic Four musical to Ron Howard: '...which, with a wave of your little pink hand, you could make happen, and then I'd owe you one.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!'

Tobias · Ron Howard:Tobias breaks down: 'You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!' while Ron tries to calm him at the barber's chair.

Michael · Tobias:Tobias signs the movie release, Michael says 'Yes, absolutely, thank you.' — then Michael immediately says 'You're out of the movie.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'Without the play, he'd lose DeBrie from his life, but he'd made his bed and had no choice but to lie in it.' / Tobias: 'He's back. I got the rights. We're going to make a musical.' / Narrator: 'Or just lie.'

DeBrie · Tobias:DeBrie: 'I think I need some drugs.' Tobias: 'No, it's okay, that's okay, no drugs are necessary. We all want drugs, but that's a no-no, yes?'

Patient · Tobias:Patient asks: 'You're sure the Hispanic community is okay with all of this?' / Tobias: 'Hmm, I'm sure they think of this as an homage.'

Tobias:Tobias to DeBrie: 'You can do anything I want you to do. And-and you want to do as well.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The audience will be completely drunk, and if we're not perfect, they'll take it out on us, but... that's why you're going to be perfect. You have to be perfect.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The audience will be completely drunk, and if we're not perfect, they'll take it out on us, but... that's why you're going to be perfect. You have to be perfect.'

Tobias:Tobias in the Thing suit, panicking about children in the audience: 'Who would bring kids here? This is no place for... I'm a registered sex offender. All right.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I've got a show to do in ten minutes and I haven't got a thing to wear... this Thing suit.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias to Buster: 'You're a monster, you don't have to be good.' / Narrator: 'It wasn't a great choice of words.'

Tobias · DeBrie:Tobias to DeBrie (finding her high on the ground): 'How could you do this to me? Or did I do this to you?' / DeBrie: 'You to me.' / Tobias: 'I should have left you happy and healthy and sober in that rehab...'

Lucille · Tobias:Lucille (Bluth) confronts Tobias about DeBrie being high: 'Someone has to pay for this. You're out!' / Tobias: 'No, don't fire me. I'm on a work-release program. If you fire me, then I have to go back to prison.' / 'And you're investing in this show. What if we get killer notices?'

Tobias · DeBrie:Tobias: 'Before I go any further with this, there's no way a hot cup of coffee and a glass of the show must go on spirit will encourage you in any way, will it?' / DeBrie: 'Let me die.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias: 'Time to channel my inner Storm.' — He then applies blue body paint and creates a costume 'out of some makeup he'd always had in case he got a call.' / Narrator: 'And perhaps it was his muscle memory that led to this.'

Tobias:Tobias, now blue: 'Oh. Pardon the mess. I just blue myself for the first time in five years.'

Tobias · Gob:Tobias: 'I, too, am in a relationship, but mine is purely a revenge-based deal. Plan on making this person fall in love with me and then destroying them by breaking their heart.' Gob: 'How do you make someone fall in love with you?' Tobias: 'Can you pass the mustard, please?'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias describes his romance: 'Last night, for instance, we both got a case of the munchies, and then we went out and we stole these pies...' Narrator: 'As it turns out, they did a lot more than steal pies.'

Tobias · Gob:Tobias: 'they remind us both of my crooked smile.' / 'Sounds like you're really into this girl.' / 'Don't call me girl, friend. No, this is purely an act of revenge, filled with white-hot hate.'

Tobias · Gob:'Sounds like you're really into this girl.' 'Don't call me girl, friend.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Oh, I have a list of men that could fill every opening you have.'

Tobias:The TV plays: ♪ Fantastic Three, Fantastic... ♪ — implying Tobias's musical is called 'Fantastic Three' (not Four)

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay and Tobias are heard singing '♪ No, it's just a phallus... eee! ♪' offscreen while Maeby lies ignored on the floor.

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'This is usually a tough time for teens. This is when drugs often become an issue.' Cut to: 'Time for Babies Having Babies!' 'Is "Babies Having Babies" on? That's my favorite show.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias leaving a voicemail for Maeby: 'Maeby, honey, Daddy has insisted on raising you alone.' Then Lindsay's message: '...Lindsay, I have met someone. It's not important who it is. Erase this message, and I'll leave her a mess...'

Tobias:Tobias's voicemail: 'Your daddy's not going to be around anymore. Excuse me, I swallowed a bug there. Uh, your daddy's not going to be around anymore.'

Buster · Tobias:But I've got to find Lucille 2, I've got to give her pictures. / I don't know the songs. / It's prerecorded. / You're a monster, you don't have to be any good. / What? / Now just go Thing your heart out and don't be put off by the freakishly large…

Lucille · Tobias:Lucille, at the behest of her court-mandated therapist, was struggling to make sense of things. Am I horrible for saying these things? No. But I was doing the math, and I still think you're gonna have a problem with this final 'raped murderer.'

Lucille · Tobias:How many more sessions do I have to endure until I'm done with... no offense... you? Legally, two. But I am in the family. I mean... this is my family.

Lucille · Tobias:My daughter is divorcing you. This is it. I'm confused by the word 'it.' Are you implying that you don't want to see me anymore? I'm confused by the word 'anymore.'

Tobias:You've lost touch with your daughter. Put me in, for God's sake.

Tobias:hurt people... hurt people.

Tobias:Swimming! Hurt people, hurt people.

Buster · Tobias:I shall be neither seen nor heard. I blue myself. It's vodka. It goes bad once it's opened. I heard the jury's still out on science.

Tobias · Michael:Until right at the end there. [Tobias's blue paint seen by the family — his disguise as window cleaner fails at the crucial moment]

Tobias:Back to playing Tobias. Yes. Exactly, because I am still a valued family member.

Tobias · Michael:so cruelly served to me from the back seat of my car by someone who thought I was a Lyft driver. Could have been the pink mustache.

Tobias:That's because everybody's thinking about Tony Wonder's beard. It was pink, right? I dyed it what I assumed was the color of Michael's skin.

Tobias · Actor playing Buster:Did the skit start? I don't have the hook thing. Hey, what's happening? Can I just do this with my hand instead, Tobias? Michael. I'm Michael.

Tobias · Young Actor:He's a young actor. I don't really want to be an actor. It's not what I want to do.

Tobias:I'm going in and out of Michael like a cuckoo clock bird.

Tobias:I'm Michael, G.O.B. is G.O.B., Michael is no one. And opening night energy, Places and re... Peas and carrots. Red leather...

Tobias:Tobias shouts acting warmups: 'Peas and carrots. Red leather...' — Michael cuts him off.

Michael · Tobias:That's it, I'm out of here! Michael returns for his bag. Okay, I get it. Is that supposed to be me? No, that's my impression of Tobias doing you.

Tobias · Michael:Tobias doing Tobias. Yep? / I don't care. I'm... All right.

Tobias:Tobias: 'Tobias doing Tobias. Yep?' — delivered after the confusion about who is playing whom.

Tobias · Michael:Uh... George Michael? Father. It's me, George Michael.

Tobias:Not only are you finding me in your son's pants, but you're also finding out how the sausage is made.

Tobias:No one was buying me as a straight man. It was a little off-brand.

Tobias:What does Gwyneth Paltrow say? 'Consciously un-cuckold' me.

Tobias:Yes, yes, yes. I suppose I did... start too high. Okay, let's bring everyone down an octave.

Tobias:I wish I had known you'd had such depth before I gave your part away to a less experienced actor.

Tobias:This is the simplest character in the entire family. He has one personality trait: he always comes back. Well, that and he always has his hands in his pockets.

Tobias:But I've already pinked away my sideburns to play Buster at the family of the year ceremony tonight. And Buster's already invited a date.

Tobias · Lucille Murphy:Come out and meet your boyfriend, Lucille. Murph? Oh, I see you finally figured out how to use that contraption. I'm on the phone.

Tobias · Lucille:You are... I'm... A girl. You're a girl, Linds, uh, Murphy B... Lucille. Is he supposed to be me? Uh-uh-uh, Lucille Number 2. She's quite the grande dame. It's basically Michael without the peanut pockets.

Tobias:Actually, sometimes, I think I want to be a dog doctor. Ow!

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias in a costume 'had finally found a way to slip into the family' — revealed to be dressed as a banana stand worker (or similar) for the ceremony.

Tobias · Bluth Family:Tobias in his backup Buster costume: 'And my name is Buster Bluth, and, yes, I am a monster.' / 'Buster? Isn't he supposed to be in jail?' / 'Well, that's not exactly what I was going for, but sure.' / 'Oh! But they're buying it, see?'

Tobias · Lucille:Tobias: 'As your therapist, I encourage you to let go of relationships that don't serve you.' / Lucille: 'You're no longer my therapist.' / 'Okay. We're making progress.' / 'Then, as your roommate, I encourage you to claim your space.' / 'You're no longer my roommate.' / 'You are just progressing by leaps and bounds.'

George Sr. · Tobias:'You're no longer my roommate.' Tobias: 'You are just progressing by leaps and bounds.'

Tobias:'A victim of my own competence.'

Tobias · Murphybrown · Bluth Family:Tobias reveals Murphybrown as his 'bastard son' — 'They think we're boyfriends, Dad.' / 'Well, thanks for giving away that surprise! I'm his bastard father.'

Tobias · George Sr.:'His last name is... uh... Well, now it's Fünke.' / 'Oh, that's how you say it.' / 'Yes.' / 'He's named after a famous private investigator who worked for the Chicago Sun-Times... I believe it is a character from TV that was played by Candice Bergen.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Now I have two things to be embarrassed about, the second being keeping this a secret for so long, and I feel like I should apologize to maybe... half the people in this room.'

Tobias:Tobias to Lucille: 'Then why am I wearing this?' — still in some form of costume after all his plans have changed

Tobias · Murphybrown:'Oh, before I forget, this is your half-sister, Maeby.' / Murphybrown's reaction beat — 'Close one! I think she's rather very hot.'

Tobias:Tobias about his TV predator role: 'Technically, they had to call me Rock Monster... John Beard actually said I was one of the more popular predators, so whatever gets your name and weight out there.'

Tobias:Tobias to Murphybrown: 'I didn't ask, "What part of a dog do you want to touch?"'

Tobias · Murphybrown:Tobias: 'Let's try this in reverse. You're famous. What is the thing you do that makes everyone clap?' / Murphybrown: 'Ooh! Once I got claps for doing a juggling ball thing, 'cause I'd unicycle in Haiti when I was volunteering...' / Tobias: 'Yes! Clowning, yes! Now, you're dreaming.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Well, perhaps we should juggle your priorities.'

Tobias · Murphybrown:Tobias and Murphybrown in the desert: 'Is that her? Is that Lindsay?' — pointing at 'a sickly cactus with a plastic bag on it'

Tobias · Murphybrown:Tobias: 'I suppose it's true. The desert makes one see what one wants to see.' / Murphybrown: 'Is that two barrel-chested, strapping men on horseback approaching us?'

Tobias · Murphybrown:Tobias claims to be George Bluth on the disputed land — 'I'm the last guy you want to kick off of your la... his land... my land.' / Murphybrown: 'Our land.'

Tobias · Murphybrown:Tobias (as George Bluth): 'Well, how about I just... use my son Michael as a signing surface? / Get up.' / Murphybrown: 'Okay.'

George Sr. · Tobias:Why are you dressed like that? / Humorous anecdote.

George Sr. · Tobias:Great spirit, that's why I'm here! My son doesn't believe. Please, take his strength, and give it to me! — Take it easy. — No, it's me, Tobias. Fünke. I'm still legally recognized as your son-in-law.

Tobias · Narrator:Well, maybe I'll jump in here. / After being kicked off Father B's land, the men finally found their way to Marky Bark's trailer. / It was worth it. Now you know how to do a proper spit take.

Marky Bark's relative · Tobias · George Sr.:Normally, I would say no, but the ostriches have been making a hell of a mess this past year. / How's your gag reflex? / Well, if you mean is my son anything like his father, well, he's never had any complaints.

George Sr. · Tobias:Well, if you mean is my son anything like his father, well, he's never had any complaints.

Tobias · Marky Bark's relative:Oh, no, no, I can't go there. They held me up at gunpoint, so you'll understand if I pass on going back. / If you're that worried, you can wear the ostrich suit. Mark always did. / Oh, fun.

Marky Bark's relative · Tobias:If you pass out, it keeps buzzards off your eyes. / Double fun!

Tobias:Yes, I suppose I could've told you that from up there, but I am glad to see you, 'cause your mail certainly has been piling up. / And this is my last delivery, so I get to put on my human clothes.

Tobias:Adios, muchachos.

Michael · Tobias:Follow Lucille 2. If we get her, Buster goes free. / Ooh, triple fun!

Tobias:Oh, damn it, I just did exactly what I said I wouldn't do.

Tobias · Lucille:Your mother is so sorry she upset you. / Out of the question. / Yes. It felt a little out of character.

Lucille · Tobias:Please tell me you prepared a few 'against her wills.' / Oh, my gosh. I do miss that wit, Mother. / It's Mrs. Bluth. I wasn't joking.

Tobias · Narrator:Murphybrown saw an armadillo, men held us up at gunpoint, and I got to dress up as an os... / It would be five minutes before he would realize she was no longer on the phone.

Ma Bark · Tobias · DeBrie:I guess you earned your shower. / Ugh. This thing does not breathe. / I'll tell you who doesn't bitch like that, your son. / I'll give you 500 bucks cash for this youngin' right now.

Tobias · Tobias's son · Ma Bark:My son is not for sale. / Thanks, Dad. / Then shower's off. There's your wife.

Tobias · DeBrie:You're missing some back teeth, there. / Yeah. Just like that.

Tobias:A first-class Lindsay Bluth impersonator. Now, let's go to Newport Beach, and you can be Lindsay there.

Tobias · Tobias's son:I will leave you here and what could be more exciting than to be backstage... ♪ At a parade? ♪

Tobias · Tobias's son:No. With the curb huggers? No. I meant, for one whose dream it is to be a clown. / Oh, yeah, 'cause he'd be, like, 'This is the one place where I'm not embarrassed of my dream.'

Tobias · Tobias's son:Hey, no. Never apologize for your dream. / No. I was-I was making fun of the guy. / What guy? / Whose dream... whose dream it is. / It's your dream.

Tobias's son · Tobias:Oh! That's because my uncle, he taught me that stuff, when he used to come over to cheer me up on Father's Day. / Robbie knows how to juggle? / Who's Robbie?

Tobias · Tobias's son:T-This is, uh, Relucto, the apprehensive clown. / No, I'm not, where do you... / There's the catchphrase.

Narrator · Tobias:She was coming off a three-month run as Lindsay in front of a sold-out audience of one face blind man.

Tobias:The point is, if she can fool him, why not have her violate federal election guidelines by fooling the entire electorate as the next representative of the great 48th congressional district of Californ-i-ay?

Tobias · DeBrie:DeBrie's internal struggle — not too shy, not shy. No... happy, good. Good, happy, not sad. Shy. Sad, shy. Sad...

Tobias · DeBrie:Help! Please! We need a doctor! It's an emergency. Hi. It's us again. Help! / Did you redo the floors here? / Help, we need a doctor. Oh! / It's okay. She's usually on pain pills.

Doctor · Tobias:Ugh. I'm gonna call it. Looks like she's been stiff for about 18 hours. / Oh, no, no. She's very much alive. She just crashed through a papier-mâché wall.

DeBrie · Tobias · Doctor:DeBrie: I'm under the impression that if you're carried in they put you immediately on the morphine drip? / That's what we've been told before. / We prioritize according to need. / Of course.

DeBrie · Tobias:Oh, bullshit you didn't redo these floors. They look amazing. / Help! / I got to stop coming out this way.

Tobias · Family in attic:I've got slices of stale gummy bear, hard candies and a spare rib. / Could I have the spare rib? / Just joshing. It's stale gummy bear.

Tobias:It takes a lot out of me, but they like to look at me as the sticky white glue that holds the family together.

Tobias:I promise... nay, vow that you will always have a roof over... Ow! / Roof balls!

Tobias · family:Just until I can support us on my actor salary. / Oh... / Quiet. You can be excited, but quietly.

Tobias:Tobias has nine gummy bears wrapped in tinfoil and is confused that they 'just get up and walk away'

Tobias · child character:Tobias: 'No! I'm the provider for this family. If anyone gets to leave, it's me.' / Kid: 'Yeah, you're good at that, Dad. You're good at leaving. It's kind of your thing, actually.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I've been jammed with bigger things in tighter spots than this.'

Tobias · unnamed character:Tobias: 'Isn't that what the Bluth Company does?' / Response: 'No, you fuck— Oh!' [followed by someone eating something]

Tobias:Tobias's actor has set up a full actor's studio in a Bluth Company office: 'an actor's body is his instrument. Come get my shower ready and then take over on the elliptical.'

Tobias:Tobias, living in a Bluth office: 'I don't want to jinx it, but this certainly is better than living in that attic, yes?'

Tobias · family member:Family rule: 'Don't tell Michael.' / Tobias: 'Well, yes, but I also meant, 88 more days, and squatter's rights kick in.'

Murphybrown · Tobias:Someone (perhaps Murphybrown) starts singing '88 days and squatter's rights kick in' to a tune — then Tobias says 'This is going too fast now'

Tobias · Gob:Tobias's toast: 'To my brother-in-law Gob. Long may...' — immediately interrupted by Gob kicking them out

Tobias · family members:On the next Arrested Development: Tobias's family at 'tent city' — 'I bet this place gets a lot quieter after dark.' / 'Also, we could always go to the food court.' / 'Oh, and maybe we can ask them to turn down the birds.'

Tobias · Murphybrown · DeBrie:On the next Arrested Development: Tobias's 'tent city' is a mall food court. 'We need to keep a low profile.' / 'We could always go to the food court.' / 'Maybe we can ask them to turn down the birds.'

Tobias:Tobias explaining that freeze-dried ground beef underwater 'tastes just as good as any hamburger I've ever had underwater'

Tobias:Tobias's plan to steal a homeless man's shopping cart full of supplies 'when he leaves it'

Tobias · Buster:Tobias wanders into the display tent and apologizes to 'a mannequin' before recognizing Buster

Tobias · Buster:Tobias walks into a tent, sees what he thinks is a mannequin, begins apologizing to it, then realizes: 'What am I doing, apologizing to a mannequin that looks like... Buster?'

Tobias · Buster:'Rumor has it they're gonna knock down these tents and put in a Santa Ski Village.' / 'Seems like we were just celebrating the second of July. We're already talking about December 19.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'She should get better acquainted with her sibling and mother impersonator.'

Tobias:Tobias responds to the '55 and older' age restriction: 'Well, that sounds like a challenge to any family that wasn't a ragtag troupe of folks whom I wish to become actors.'

Tobias:Tobias enters as 'Mrs. Featherbottom' singing the Golden Girls theme, accompanied by 'Mrs. Bettywhite'

Tobias:'We're just three... 56-year-old women looking for a place to rest our weary asses.'

Tobias:I would say wait for me, but it might be a couple of years.

Tobias:No, they're jealous. They are jealous. And they won't stop until one of us is a murderer. Today, it's Buster. Tomorrow... No, I guess it'll stop today. Today's the last day.

Tobias:Even though they do say, in most cases, something happens in childhood and, usually, the person that raises them is to blame. But that's experts.

Tobias:I'm in the family, and it's gonna be crazy. It's gonna be a media circus, Tobias. / Then I should be its ringmaster.

Tobias:As you see, it's latex, so it can go right up your ass.

Tobias · Lucille · Michael:A young, one-armed, Iraq War vet suffering from PTSD, raised by a young mother who had him at 17, whose only flaw was that... she loved him... too much. / Actually, I was 37. / Well, no one would believe that.

Lucille · George Sr. · Unknown Sibling · Tobias:Every time you handle things, they're mishandled. / Yeah, your mom's right. I mean, lately, you're just doing everything badly. / Yeah, Dad, nail his ass. / I'll pile on to nailing that ass, Dad.

Tobias:Tobias offers to be a character witness and says: 'I know the Buster character better than anyone. I could play Buster with one arm tied behind my back. In fact, I've played Buster with two arms tied behind my back. I was handcuffed.'

Tobias · Dusty:Dusty tells Tobias they don't need him to 'play Buster on the stand, more just talk about him as a person.' Tobias: 'Oh. Well, you don't think I'd be more appealing as the accused?'

Tobias · Dusty:Dusty accidentally says 'the night of the murder' and Tobias corrects him: 'Alleged murder. Alleged.' Dusty: '...Yes, yes, alleged.'

Tobias:Tobias insisting on performing in 'an English accent' for his witness stand appearance, then immediately correcting himself: 'Nay, nay, I shan't. I shall stick to the script. Not script. Vérité. I have taken the note... vérité.'

Ron Howard (Narrator) · Buster · Tobias:Ron narrates: 'Well, "happily" might have been an overstatement.' — flashback to Buster complaining: 'I don't know the songs. You're a monster. You don't have to be any good.' / 'What?'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Now, I do wish I could do this gratis, but I'm having a bit of a shelter crisis of late.' Then: 'Unrelated... What happens to this room when you leave? ... Yeah, I think they lock it up at night. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Damn it!'

Tobias · George Michael · Ron Howard (Narrator):George Michael calls Tobias 'Uncle Tobias'; Tobias is tickling him: 'Tickle, tickle.' Narrator: '...back at the office, George Michael was worried about his dire situation... when an even more dire one came through the door.'

Tobias · DeBrie:Tobias explains that DeBrie blew their cover at the Spotted Palm 'by looking at her cellular telephone without holding it at arm's length and putting on her readers first.'

Tobias · DeBrie · Murphybrown:The troupe improvises an explanation for 'Annette's death' — she was 'gored' in the running of the bulls in a place where 'an animal took off with the body so fast you couldn't get it back'

Tobias:Tobias offers to make the company a 'sexual harassment video' and adds: 'I'm no Harvey Weinstein, but I'm sure I could produce one.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Yes, well, some of us weren't lucky enough to even have an audition to blow.'

Tobias:Tobias explaining Murphybrown's privacy code: 'Nobody wants to be naked underneath their underwear. So, one adds an extra layer of protection. It doesn't have to be denim, per se, but everybody wants to hide their privates from something. Not everybody.'

George Sr. · Tobias:Memory suppression? No. Not that, no. Give him some juice, please. Juice, please.

Lucille · George Sr. · Tobias · Gob:Right. Michael always comes back. Yeah. He thinks he has to 'bring us together.' Oh, Michael is such a zero. Oh, he'll be back. Michael always comes back.