Tobias Fünke

I'm hoping the universe provides a path for me.

I haven't packed for that.

I thought that the homosexuals were pirates... but it turns out that most of them were actors in the local theater.

You're gay? No. No. I'm not... I'm not gay. No. Lindsay, how many times must we have this... No. I want to be an actor.

And this is 'I'm a Bad, Bad Man' from Annie Get Your Gun.

I mean, look at me. I'm an actor. An actor, for crying out loud! You know how much rejection I face every day?

But you've never actually had an audition. Well... excuse me!

Oh, look at all these parts!

Oh, look at all these parts!

Am I panicked about the fire, or am I being brave for everyone else? The fire... It's... It's a fire sale. Oh. Oh. Okay, I didn't, um... Well, let's give it a shot.

Oh, my God! We're having a fire... sale. Oh, the burning! It burns me! Evacuate all the schoolchildren! This isn't a fever! I can't even see where the knob is!

Would you like to try that a little simpler maybe? No.

I think I made the fire too real for them and probably failed to highlight the sale.

Am I touching something? Hot! Hot, hot. Hot.

Now watch this. Maeby, where are you off to on this glorious Sunday afternoon? She won't tell me. I'm going to audition for a play.

I was totally wrong. She's reaching out to her actor daddy.

That just makes me wanna puke all over your head, sir.

not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.

Not a girl? Of course.

Methinks a Cupid I shall play.

I wish I could say the same for Steve Holt. I don't know what the hell her problem is.

onward and upward! On... Why, Tracy? Why?

If I gave a performance that good, I'd have my own Alias type show.

Right! If I'm no Schwimmer, you're no Jennifer Aniston! Maybe I'm not even Lisa Kudrow.

If I gave a performance that good, I'd have my own Alias type show.

If I'm no Schwimmer, you're no Jennifer Aniston! Maybe I'm not even Lisa Kudrow.

I can't say how or when... or where my wedding ring is...

Oh, is there such a thing?

Gothic Asshole? That's what I said.

Oh, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.

I got a gig.

Well, that certainly leaves me out. / She... She said single.

I truly believe that the universe wants me to be an actor and not a doctor. I'm just waiting for a sign. / Here's your cash. / Universal Shuttle picks you up at 8:00. / Any sign, really.

Why would anybody pay more than $12 to go to the airport?

You are Carl Weathers, the actor. / I went to San Francisco to attend your stage fighting workshop. / But you never showed up. / I got bumped from that flight.

You are Carl Weathers, the actor.

$1,100 is exactly what I charge for acting classes. / No, it isn't! / Yeah.

$1,100 is exactly what I charge for acting classes. - No, it isn't! - Yeah.

Universe, you've done it again.

I don't know if I'm cut out to be a... a De Niro... or a Regis or a Pinkett-Smith or what have you.

I don't know if I'm cut out to be a... a De Niro or a Regis or a Pinkett-Smith or what have you.

I think I'd like my money back.

Mother, you know I have class on Tuesday. Oh, how silly of me.

The competition frightened Tobias, which he felt he could use in his performance. Unfortunately this made him more confident... which frightened him again.

You could have been sleeping with 'Frightened Inmate #2.'

There's a shower scene? I have to be nude. Well, you don't shower with your clothes on, now, do ya?

Oh, great. And now you're mocking me, you selfish, country-music-loving lady.

And then, of course, we couldn't conceive, so there was that famous ordeal.

Let's see if they've beefed up my part. I got three lines!

When a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actually... When a man loves a woman... and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her...

What do you think I wear these for?

I know for a fact that there are two members of German Parliament. They're called 'nein wohlstandig' nude.

That too.

I slept very well last night.

I ain't going to squeal, man. I ain't going to... Oh, I'm not frightened! God!

Lindsay, say something to scare me. ...me. Nope. Nothing. Thanks for trying though.

You know what I ought to do? I ought to check myself into a men's penal colony. Perhaps your father could get me in.

The warden could easily be black. Oh! Yes.

Tobias, what the hell are you doing here? I'm here to study with you, to learn from you. Teach me. There's no teaching. There's no teaching.

And who is this shiny building of a man? Oh, I'm very scared right now.

Well, let's discuss this bunking situation. You'll be sleeping under me for a while. I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

There's only one man I've ever called 'coward'. That's Brian Doyle-Murray.

What I'm calling you... is a television actor. Ouch.

The Jews, I guess. Sure. But I think you need to look deeper.

I hate you! You hate White Power Bill. I hate the government! You hate White Power Bill. I hate my father!

Call me the Tin Man. I'm a Friend of Dorothy's now.

I bought you. Remember to let it steep for five minutes.

So Frightened Inmate #2 isn't frightened at all. He's angry. He's a crabby old coot... and he needs love... just like everyone.

I will pack your sweet pink mouth with so much ice cream... you'll be the envy of every Jerry and Jane on the block.

Honey, they're just heels. They can only support so much weight.

Ah, le clumsy adolescence. It's a phase we've all been through. Except for me. I was like a cat. I always ended up on all fours.

Like a cat.

This kind of agility? Let's go, little man.

The cat is in.

Oh! I can't see!

Would that I could say that I wore it to impress you... but, no, I'm afraid it's merely a cloaking agent from a sadly blunderous afternoon.

I don't want to blame it all on 9/11... but it certainly didn't help.

It was like you knew every side effect I was going through at that time. Sadly, Teamocil has been discontinued. The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown.

We are pushers, not takers.

We are pushers, not takers.

Let's take it from loose stool!

Teamocil! You're out of the band.

I just feel like using my body. - Well, Lindsay, could you use it over there? I'm trying to grow.

I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.

People love to carbo-load. - The bagel place. - There you go.

Gobias Industries. - Go bias. - As in, 'Go buy us some coffee.'

This is the first any of us at Gobias Industries have heard of a land deal.

HOMOSEXUAL. MAEBY, PLEASE.

OH, BLESS HER. IT'S LIKE SHE KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO NEXT.

YEAH, MAYBE A NEW PAIR OF SHOES WILL CHEER ME UP.

I DO KNOW STAGE COMBAT IF THE PARTNER IS WILLING AND A BIT MORE PETITE THAN I.

THERE'S ONLY ONE MAGICIAN IN THIS FAMILY AND THAT IS ME. AND YOU GOT CAUGHT BY A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

The Man Inside Me. For Lindsay, my rock. I could not have done this without him.

For there is a man inside me, and only when he's finally out can I walk free of pain.

I was hoping for more women. Perhaps I shouldn't have just used 'he.' I think that was a mistake.

Also, Dale, one of the gentlemen from my reading, is a nurse here, so we were able to park right out front.

Nice to be back in a queen. It's too much pressure. I can't do this.

Well, did it work for those people? No. It never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

Only in color, Michael. Only in color.

I'm afraid I just blue myself.

Or should I say 'Bluepies'?

In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it. - I already have. - I have too.

Lindsay at bar failing to get anyone's attention while Tobias watches

I got the wrong homeless man. I am sorry. I was looking for Lindsay.

Oh, yes, well, I ran out of blue, and I couldn't find anything else. I think my nipples are bleeding though. I don't know if you're supposed to use quite this much.

I think I need to go to the hospital right away and see if I can't get some of this diamond dust vacuumed from out of my lungs.

And 8:01. Curtain has risen.

Might as well keep this makeup on since it takes so- long to get off.

if I blue myself early... I'd be nice and relaxed for a 9:00 dinner reservation.

Well, according to my photograph... it is. It's an honest mistake. Also, I think your knee is on my heart.

I was just hoping to have sex with you. Why am I not blacking out?

Thank God! A new doctor. Finally we can get a straight answer in this place. Uh, I've got some bad news. I'm Gene Parmesan. How you doin'?

I am surprised, though, that she's going after somebody so similar to my own type. But I suppose we all do expose our inner desires, don't we? I think you just did.

I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn't work.

Pretty brave card for you to play.

I'm on TV.

Thank God-- my cutoffs! There were cutoffs up here?

I will be head to toe in blue makeup until 8:01 in case the Blue Man Group needs their understudy

People hear the name Tobias, they think-- big black guy. Well, obviously, I'm not a big guy.

Oh, I got blown! So I can't sleep!

And I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight... / That's my wife and nephew!

We have an open relationship!

Hey, it's Tobias. Who wants to take me to the hospital?

They make a mistake once, they shan't make it twice. Oh, here I go!

Don't worry. It has not fallen into the garage. Knock on wood. [Clattering]

Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man. No. Confidence Man Two is my character.

Yes, well, it's for a con man, which I don't think you know anything about. And besides, don't you have school? No. Um- Today is 'Help Your Dad Follow His Dream' day.

[Narrator] In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk band to promote a supplement that promised better unity and teamwork. [Together] Teamocil - Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.

That Fünke is some kind of something. Boy, this Fünke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Fünke is. Overrated.

What's your name? Tobias. He's too short. Give it to the guard.

Andy Richter! Here are those head shots I was telling you about. Yeah. I gotta go. It's Tobias Fünke. I told you about the head shots?

My schedule, however, is as open as my relationship with my wife.

Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.

Oh, he really, really did look like a woman.

But anyhoo, can you believe that the only reason the club is going under... is because it's in a terrifying neighborhood?

No, that is not what it says. I distinct- Hello?

Well, I suppose I could just paint over 'Mary.'

So maybe you could, uh, start jeté-ing... and stop 'je-terrorizing' me.

Wow. You really have made some amazing strides in a half an hour.

Oh, I've been shot! - We miscalculated! Retreat! - Quick, switch to Follies!

SEEMS THEY DON'T APPRECIATE COMPETITION.

JESUS! IT'S THE WOLF! THAT IS THE WOLF! THE WOLF IS UPSTAIRS!

I THOUGHT THAT WAS A HOMEFILL.

THEY'RE LITERALLY BLUE, NOT SAD.

I GOT SOME LOOKS ON THE BUS 'CAUSE OF THIS.

What timing, huh? I mean, right out back they were having one.

Well, yes, but I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will. So now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

[Screeching] 'Where's Tobias?' [Normal Voice] 'Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth... and they're dipping each other in-'

Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth and they're dipping each other in—

I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks anytime.

Well, you certainly didn't help with my reputation as a lady's man with Jeff.

Hey, did you ever get that tape recorder? You're funny. Come on, boy. Hoo-cha-cha!

Do you have any idea how often you say the word 'afraid'?

She's not with him. She's with the Bullet. Oh, thank God.

I had no idea a 90-year-old man could cave in my chest cavity like that.

I think this duct tape is the only thing that's keeping the ankle on. Okay. Ah. Right around there. Oh. I think you're right inside me now.

Tobias, you blowhard!

Oh, big deal, three times. I've had three times plenty of times. Yes! Did you call my name? Absolutely not.

Seems like only yesterday you were bursting forth from your mother's fertile womb.

We will be like Tracy and Hepburn. - Yeah! - 'What do you say, you old poop?' - Oh, God, he's Hepburn.

Okay, the box was light 'cause it had a fake stomach in it. It looks like she's faking it.

Well, my wife and I... finally had the thrill of seeing a plus sign on a pregnancy test. You're gonna be a daddy!

to collect and test her urine. - It was there that they stumbled upon a fat suit. - That's what it is.

Is he trying to get out of having this baby? - We want this child. It's given us a reason to stay together.

Where's your child? - I don't have a child, Michael. - We don't have a child, Michael. - That's why we want-

She's with her debate club, and they're on their way to Sacremende for the semifinals. [Narrator] She wasn't. And a Google search of the word 'Sacremende' only came up with this.

I swore I'd not go reality.

You don't need the calories.

There's dozens of us. Dozens!

You're going to stretch them out. That's all you can say? Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.

At the beginning of pilot season?

Also, I don't think this is a real toilet.

My name is Phyllida Featherbottom, and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones.

When you put a squirt of frosting down your throat before we take our medications...

From Blackstool. I'm charmed, I'm sure.

I'm sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.

Tobias singing in falsetto as Mrs. Featherbottom

Booyah!

Wow. Gobias Industries. [Hard 'G'] Gobias. Right. I remember, yeah. As in 'Go buy us a cup of-'

Ted. Did Ted make an appointment? No, I just work down the hall and- [Tobias] No. Well, then, Ted can get the hell out of this office! You get the hell out!

Although, if I may, let me take off my assistant skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.

When do you start being my mole at my company? Actually, Michael turned me down for the job. What? Something to do with their housing order being cut back.

You're lucky. He's the best. Well, only in the county. But I'm certainly good enough to take out that appendix of yours.

My name is Dr. Tobias Fünke and I'll be filling in for Michael, who is not sick. In fact, just today I saw a sliver of his buttocks and they're as fresh and firm as a Georgia peach, so not to worry.

Booyah!

Who'd like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right. I forgot. Here in the States you call it a sausage in the mouth.

We shan't be telling your mother this, shan't we?

Well, this was before he saw you pounding that sweet piece of veal.

Well, this was before he saw you pounding that sweet piece of veal.

I had this shipped over from 'Blackstool.' It's what I used to drive the Roger Moores about in.

Oh, no. My wig seems to have run off. On George Sr., as it turned out.

Well, excuse me for liking the way they shape my junk.

You're kicking me out? At the beginning of pilot season?

Also, I don't think this is a real toilet.

Oh, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Phyllidia Featherbottom and I can cook and I can clean and I can take care of the little ones.

When you put a squirt of frosting on your throat / Before we take our medications

Oh, I've no need for payment. The love of the family is more than enough.

I'm sure wherever your father is right now, she loves you very, very much.

Do I work- I developed an eating disorder being your assistant, Michael.

I never saw you at the desk. Well, excuse me if I was too busy on my knees in front of the toilet, Michael.

I feel like a- [Bleeps] idiot.

Oh, this is my fault too? Everything- No. No! I will not let this make me eat! [Sobbing]

'Oftentimes the heart acts without consulting the head, and thusly'- Oh, I see you wasted no time in filling my seat hole.

It's the last time you're going to be seeing these. How ironic. I just found out I'm staying.

I recently heard that the actor, John Larroquette, was looking for a meaty character piece.

Leaving Lindsay was the biggest little mistake I've ever made.

What's a leather pony?

What if Kitty's not there and I'm less of a Blue Man and more of a cocktail waitress?

If this tableau I recreate, perhaps I can re-snare my mate.

Excuse me. I was just looking for a marker... A Magic Marker.

I so very much would like to be in your 'prostate-icular'

Guess I shouldn't have used a permanent marker.

Are you gonna buy this time, or you just curious? I suppose I'm, uh, buy-curious.

That's a woman's wig. - I was told it was a bob.

That's a woman's wig. I was told it was a bob.

Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading-man parts in my mouth.

I am a leading man.

The world's first analrapist.

But since we have both started to grow hair in unexpected places, I supposed I shall soon be working as a leading man.

I was helping he would be gifted sexually.

No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.

If this was a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.

I'll show them a little T and A. Tobias and Ann.

I shall be a bigger, hairier mole than the one on your inner left thigh.

- I'm a mole! - Not the village!

- You're blowing my audition! - I ache with embarrassment.

Ah, here comes the bride. / Hey. What are you doing in a wheelchair? / No, no, no, it's a dolly to help videotape your nuptials.

Okay, so my legs and my left arm occasionally 'go to sleep,' and you want to call it a health problem.

No, thank you, I don't need your help. / It does seem like you've been having a whole lot of trouble since the hair transplants.

Maybe you should see a bubuman. / A... 'bubuman'? / Oh, uh, a doctor. It's a British expression. Like they say 'go-up box' instead of 'elevator.'

Oh, like when they say 'poofter' to mean 'tourist,' yes. / Boy, that Rita's a smarty.

Either you remove your hair graft, or the host—you—will get sicker and eventually die.

Oh! Oh! This is going hurt! / You know what? We're going to need this from another angle.

Oh, come on, don't leave your Uncle Teabag hanging. / Please don't call yourself that.

No way. That horse hair is my ticket back into society.

Don't call it that. Okay.

You want me to be explicit?

Of course-- the 'Bob Loblaw Law Blog.' Wow. You, sir, are a mouthful!

The boy who couldn't cry. He's a robot! Michael can cry. He doesn't want to rust. Yes, he's like the steel man from The Wizard From Oz. Tin man? Is that what he's called? He knows.

Yes, he's a regular Freddy Wilson, that one. I don't know that reference. I don't either. I don't know either. It's this guy.

You know, Michael, if I may take off my acting pants for a moment and pull my analrapist stocking over my head, George Michael has been acting strange lately.

I think he may have developed what we in the soft sciences refer to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Or the O.C. disorder. Don't call it that.

Non-traditional mother. Yes, you're right. After all, I am her father.

Actually, I may have an in with Andy Richter. Do you think you can get him? I'm kidding. Of course, not him.

We are going to stuff each one of these gift bags with a head shot, some glitter, and a decorative hand soap. And don't forget the funny notes. 'I know where you live. Ha-ha.'

Yes, he is available. Uh, let me put my, uh, our assistant on the phone with you. Thanks, Deb. Yeah. So he's Tortured Victim #4, right? Yeah, he's really into discipline.

Well, I spend so much time making sweet love on my wife that it's hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts

Oh, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.

Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.

I tried that. It didn't work either.

Oh, you know what? I've already prepared a list of 'won'ts.' / Oh, you're not going to believe this. My list of 'can'ts.'

K-Y Pro, huh? Hey, don't get any moisture on these bab... Hey.

Yeah, well, we were probably all so jacked up on amyl and disco music, we didn't notice.

I was hoping to have a jaw session with you. / Well, why don't we just say--as long as that means a talk.

Michael. / Can you believe it? / You're married to my sister. / Don't you think I know that?!

No, no, did you think you were the Michael I was talking about? / Interesting that your mind went there, though.

I'm afraid the Michael I'm talking about is all lady.

Wise words, Boy Michael.

If I look like a man who made love to his wife last night, it's because I almost did.

Well, I had to. It's vodka. It goes bad once it's opened.

I got a call out of the blue for a chance to play a very important part in The Prosecution.

I assume it's a CBS procedural.

Although they didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out a Vagina Monologue, or something else I know.

For set dressing, silly.

Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.

Family forgets Maeby's age - she says 16th birthday, Tobias thinks 14th

Oh, my gosh. Our little girl's turning 14.

That is her suit. They probably don't make it in a woman's though. They only make it in a woman's.

You see, sometimes shame can be fun. Shame? Secrets. You said 'shame.'

'A flower in my garden, a mystery in my panties.'

Wow, this is the best free scrapbooking class I've ever taken.

And there you are, Maeby, coming out of your mother's third base.

Oh, no, no, no. It's a chain of popular nightclubs. Although I haven't been to this particular location. - It's on the Long Beach Harbor. - That's the ship.

Hot Sailors. Better yet, Hot Se... - I like Hot Sailors. - Mm, me too.

Is that a gall see? No, it's just a fallacy

Yeah, we should end it. / Let's give it another shot. To the head. Kill it. Yes.

I got the part.

That way, we have it... That way, you'll have it... That way, you have it.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm such a star (BLEEP) that I didn't pay attention to anything he said!

And that was with me picturing fudge.

Well, that's an easy one. You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown. / No, Mame.

It's a miracle!

Could I get some more of that acting juice?

Might I suggest bringing in someone younger to play the father? A Philip Seymour Hoffman type? A Philip Seymour Hoffman type. And so, naturally, I thought of you.

Everyone thinks I'm gay?

♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪

And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I'm a homosexual.

A new start.

India clean.

I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus.

How could they not have Failure to Launch?

Now I've broken my skull in a third place! On this elephant guy statue!

It's just, I've got a bit of a stick up my bunghole about what I've now found is a running joke about me.

Lindsay! Lindsay, get the scooper! Throw oranges at it. Hot orange! Hot orange! It's throwing its voice! Lindsay!

Well, then I shall redouble my efforts so that he died in vain.

Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean.

Get it out there. 'This is up, sir.'

Her heart stopped! She's dying! Please, someone! She had too much butter!

Other people are incapable of ever being nude. Everybody has something.

I'm Johnny Storm, the Human Flamer.

And this is Sue Storm, my sister and fellow fighter-in-law.

Well, apparently in this instance, paper beats rock.

Actually, technically, I'm Rock Monster, and this is Ability to Be Invisible Person.

Ummmmmm... No.

Daddy needs to get his rocks off.

I want to say 19? But I like to think of her as 15.

I just broke my skull in a fourth place. The patio!

Thanks for coming. How could I not? I'm playing Roman Centurion Number Two.

I didn't know there was a groom part

I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but His Word magazine called my Jew 'pitiful'

Lindsay, I forgot, you dyed your hair. Do you have any money?

And I am also a registered sex offender.

Now, let's have a wrap-about.

Daddy needs to get his rocks...

Oh, is this going to be SAG or AFTRA?

Anus tart. - Yep, that's me.

a theralyst.

Ah, well within my rights.

Oh, and Simon says you're out.

Sometimes I have to tell people 'cause they can't figure it out from when I say the things that I...

Simon says you're out.

Could you give me one second to organically get...? And I'm also a registered sex offender.

But I love her. Surely there must be some way we can be together.

♪ Hot cops, we'll clean up the town... ♪ I ain't no squealer.

I got here soon as I could. I'm Dr. House, and it's called GVH. The graft is rejecting the host.

She was in the movie The Fantastic Four. Oh, my God. I was in The Fantasticks.

Well, that's a good luck sign on Broadway. On the East Coast it's 'break a leg,' on the West Coast it's 'lose a tooth.'

On the East Coast it's 'break a leg,' on the West Coast it's 'lose a tooth.'

Beard! Beard, I'm only here to pick up my car keys.

the one she owns, not the one she famously went to 12 times.

True, I can't ethically ravage her body. I have to leave that to time

it's funny, I've been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have.

Am I crazy, or is this really good?

See, you keep writing this infantile, ridiculous melody over and over and over again.

As your therapist, I'm happy that you're expressing yourself. But as a director, I don't have to like it. And I don't. But, also, good for you. Therapist now speaking. But, also, no.

Am I crazy, or is this good? It's really good.

Am I crazy, or is this good? - It's really good.

Now what if, say, I could raise between $50 and $100?

Me doth think he hath a lady. As doth I dooth.

we are (bleep). You're (bleep). (bleep). I mean, unless some sort of miracle coincidence happens. But, no, the best thing to do is just walk away,

Reverse psychology. It didn't work.

I will act as your assistant and maybe I'll do my famous gay character. - I don't think you've seen that character. - I think I have.

I think I have. Mm... I don't think so.

And as it is such, so also as such is it unto you

I was arrested as a sex offender, but at least I knew it was my daughter I was arrested for coming on to.

which, with a wave of your little pink hand, you could make happen

You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!

Tobias Onyango Funke.

He's back. I got the rights. We're going to make a musical. Or just lie.

The audience will be completely drunk, and if we're not perfect, they'll take it out on us, but... that's why you're going to be perfect.

I'm a registered sex offender. All right. I'm a registered... I'm a registered sex offender.

You're a monster, you don't have to be good. What? It wasn't a great choice of words.

How could you do this to me? Or did I do this to you? You to me.

I just blue myself for the first time in five years.

Perhaps that's why they call this place Au-stare-ity

What you are is the Invisible Girl. You make it impossible for people to see you in order to protect yourself.

They're going to be talking about this bomb for years

They're going to be talking about this bomb for years. Oh, God, it is bad, isn't it?

Oh, I have a list of men that could fill every opening you have.

♪ No, it's just a phallus... eee! ♪

Why would they preempt 'Babies Having Babies' for a turkey cartoon?

Maeby, your daddy's not going to be around anymore. Excuse me, I swallowed a bug there. Uh, your daddy's not going to be around anymore.

That little bald one there with the fringed cut-offs who... Yay! Oh,. It's you.

I still think you're gonna have a problem with this final 'raped murderer.'

My daughter is divorcing you. This is it. I'm confused by the word 'it.' I'm confused by the word 'anymore.'

I blue myself. It's vodka. It goes bad once it's opened. I heard the jury's still out on science.

so cruelly served to me from the back seat of my car by someone who thought I was a Lyft driver. Could have been the pink mustache.

I dyed it what I assumed was the color of Michael's skin. Although now that you're back, I do wish I had used a less permanent dye.

His beard tickled me.

I'm going in and out of Michael like a cuckoo clock bird.

Okay, I get it. Is that supposed to be me? No, that's my impression of Tobias doing you.

Not only are you finding me in your son's pants, but you're also finding out how the sausage is made.

No one was buying me as a straight man. It was a little off-brand.

Lindsay has... what does Gwyneth Paltrow say? 'Consciously un-cuckold' me.

Michael, if I could... put my therapist leggings on for one second.

I suppose I did... start too high. Okay, let's bring everyone down an octave.

I wish I had known you'd had such depth before I gave your part away to a less experienced actor. I didn't know there was such a thing.

He has one personality trait: he always comes back. Well, that and he always has his hands in his pockets. You got peanuts in there?

Am I supposed to be me? No! You are... I'm... A girl. You're a girl, Linds, uh, Murphy B... Lucille.

It's basically Michael without the peanut pockets.

I know 50 gentlemen who would tuck their last nut to play this part.

who had finally found a way to slip into the family. I'm out. I know. I get it. I feel like a moron.

And my name is Buster Bluth, and, yes, I am a monster.

You are just progressing by leaps and bounds. A victim of my own competence.

This is my bastard son, Murphybrown. Murphy? And his last name is Brown? No. Murphybrown is his first name.

Technically, they had to call me Rock Monster. And John Beard actually said I was one of the more popular predators

I didn't ask, 'What part of a dog do you want to touch?'

Oh, no. That's a sickly cactus with a plastic bag on it. Right. For a second, I was like, 'Is that Lindsay?'

I didn't want to get your hopes up, but I'm in Mexico and I have found Lindsay... to be very stubborn. Oh, damn it, I just did exactly what I said I wouldn't do.

Oh, my gosh. I do miss that wit, Mother. It's Mrs. Bluth. I wasn't joking.

Murphybrown saw an armadillo, men held us up at gunpoint, and I got to dress up as an os...

My son is not for sale. Thanks, Dad.

Lindsay? - Tobias? - DeBrie? No, you were right the first time.

♪ At a parade? ♪ ♪ ...ade. ♪ ♪ Being watching the parade. ♪ No. With the curb huggers? No.

Oh, yeah, 'cause he'd be, like, 'This is the one place where I'm not embarrassed of my dream.' Hey, no. Never apologize for your dream.

Who's Robbie? Oh. Yes, of course. You wouldn't know my brother.

This is, uh, Relucto, the apprehensive clown.

Oh, God, no. I can't do this. T-This is... No, no, no. ...why I gave this up. DeBRIE: Shy. - No. No, you can. - No. - No, no, no. Shy. - You can't be this critical.

Help! Please! It's a higher priority emergency! Help! Oh, bullshit you didn't redo these floors. They look amazing.

Help! Please! We need a doctor! It's an emergency. Hi. It's us again. Help! Did you redo the floors here?

I'm under the impression that if you're carried in they put you immediately on the morphine drip? - That's what we've been told before.

It takes a lot out of me, but they like to look at me as the sticky white glue that holds the family together.

Roof balls! Jesus, quiet.

Oh, this isn't a real house. This is a model house. How long do we have to stay here? Just until I can support us on my actor salary. Oh... Quiet. You can be excited, but quietly.

I had nine gummy bears wrapped in tinfoil here, and the tinfoil is still here, but, uh, I'm super confused. Do we have magic gummy bears that just get up and walk away?

I've been jammed with bigger things in tighter spots than this.

No, you fuck... Oh!

Well, just one of the smaller ones. You won't even know it's being used. - ...because an actor's body is his instrument. - Come get my shower ready and then take over on the elliptical.

Turkey jerky, popcorn, and leftover Jeff. - Aw. There's no Linda left?

♪ 88 days and squatter's rights kick in ♪

I bet this place gets a lot quieter after dark. Also, we could always go to the food court. Oh, and maybe we can ask them to turn down the birds.

You know, if you add water to the freeze-dried ground beef... it tastes just as good as any hamburger I've ever had underwater.

Shh. That was meant to last all week. Oh. Oh, duh.

What am I doing, apologizing to a mannequin that looks like... Buster?

Seems like we were just celebrating the second of July. We're already talking about December 19.

No, you have to be 55 and older. Well, that sounds like a challenge to any family that wasn't a ragtag troupe of folks whom I wish to become actors.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Featherbottom. Thank you for being a friend. I'm Bev. Traveled down a road and back again. And I'm Mrs. Bettywhite.

We're just three... 56-year-old women looking for a place to rest our weary asses.

Tobias to Maeby: 'Cause you're rather quite attractive for an older lady.' Narrator: 'That is your half-sister.'

Tobias: 'Does she have, like, a half-daughter?'

I can't spend any time with anybody under 25. About Buster.

Then I should be its ringmaster.

raised by a young mother who had him at 17, whose only flaw was that... she loved him... too much. Actually, I was 37.

You've taken all the fun out of the worst part of life.

I could play Buster with one arm tied behind my back. In fact, I've played Buster with two arms tied behind my back. I was handcuffed.

I could play Buster with one arm tied behind my back. In fact, I've played Buster with two arms tied behind my back. I was handcuffed.

It was Cinco... de Cuatro!

You're a monster. You don't have to be any good.

And perhaps I'll do it in an English accent! Nay, nay, I shan't. I shall stick to the script. Not script. Nope. Vérité. I have taken the note... vérité.

Damn it! I just... need somewhere to s... All right, well, gentlemen, thank you so much for your time. And I will be seeing you.

She blew our cover.

I mean, I'm no Harvey Weinstein, but I'm sure I could produce one.

But what he's basically saying is, nobody wants to be naked underneath their underwear. So, one adds an extra layer of protection. It doesn't have to be denim, per se, but everybody wants to hide their privates from something. Not everybody.

Doctor-to-be, Tobias Fünke. Subject, who is now in a deep hypnotic state, and this is my doctoral research material on memory suppression.

Juice, please! What really happened is your mother pushed Mimi down the stairs. But what do we tell the police? Mother pushed Mimi down the stairs. No, no, no, no. Please remove the juice, please!

What do we want? No wall! When do we want it? We don't? That doesn't... Go limp! Go limp! Go... No, no, no, no. You... You look like you're at a Walking Dead convention. No, limp, like, uh, flaccid. Unerect.

Three dollars an hour and a copy of the news footage for my reel.

I wear the horns of a cuckold. That's why you don't put your girlfriend in the same sleeping bag with your son. But I'm not gonna let him share mine. I like to spread my legs. Apparently, so does DeBrie.