Smashed

Tobias:Tobias introduces himself as a therapist and then immediately announces he is also a registered sex offender

Tobias:Tobias says 'Now, let's have a wrap-about' instead of a 'wrap-around' or discussion

Tobias · Narrator:Narrator explains Tobias was arrested 'despite his innocence' — flashback to Tobias asking arriving police officers 'Oh, hey, Officers, are you here for the raccoon?' and then asking 'Oh, is this going to be SAG or AFTRA?'

Patient · Tobias:'Anus tart.' / 'Yep, that's me.'

Tobias · Narrator:Narrator explains Tobias 'had, after a particularly vicious beating with a soup ladle, changed his tune — but didn't want to look too eager.' Cut to Tobias saying simply: 'Yes.'

Tobias:Tobias announces: 'I'm also an analyst and a therapist, which makes me... a theralyst.'

Tobias · Mark Cherry:Mark Cherry clarifies 'Mark is my first name, Cherry is my last name' / Tobias: 'Oh, and Simon says you're out.'

Tobias:Tobias says 'I have a bit of a wit. Sometimes I have to tell people 'cause they can't figure it out from when I say the things that I...'

Mark Cherry:Mark Cherry breaks into song mid-therapy session: '♪ Go away, Getaway, get away, Getaway. ♪'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias says 'We're not doing a musical here' — cut to the episode being largely about putting on a musical

Emmett Richter · Narrator:Emmett insists 'I'm not Andy (bleep)ing Richter' while being described as Andy Richter's identical quintuplet brother — and 'unfortunately he wouldn't allow us to show his face'

Tobias · Emmett:Tobias's 'Simon says you're out' recycled for Emmett — 'Simon says you're out. No, I was being witty.'

Tobias · Emmett:Emmett: 'I hoard.' Tobias: 'Now, that's what we call a breakthrough.' Emmett: 'That wasn't a breakthrough.'

Patient:Patient (about DeBrie): 'She reminds me of my grandma, like a, a real sick version. So sweet.'

Tobias:Tobias to DeBrie: 'And I'm also a registered sex offender. How are you?'

Tobias:Tobias awkwardly navigating 'we were a couple of sorts... Or are, are a couple? Or... I...' — trailing off into offering 'a chat'

Tobias:Tobias tells Argyle he 'just had something on the air three weeks ago' — it was 'an as myself' — and then his reel plays the Hot Cops clip followed by 'Carl Weathers' and 'Dr. House'

Argyle:Argyle's tapping feet betraying his true feelings while he officially refuses the musical

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias: 'When it comes to DeBrie, you don't have to worry about her being under pressure because she's a professional actress.' Narrator: 'Which also made its way onto Tobias's reel for some reason.'

DeBrie · Argyle · Tobias:DeBrie: 'I was in The Fantasticks.' / Argyle: 'Well...' / Tobias: 'Look at that. My sister and I played the young lovers.'

Narrator · Tobias · Argyle:Narrator: 'It was uncanny how much the two men had in common.' — both had 'Fantastic' connections, both called themselves 'Mr. Fantastic', cue ♪Mr. F.♪ sting

Argyle · Narrator:Argyle: 'They used to call me Mr. Fantastic.' [♪Mr. F.♪ sting plays]

Argyle:Argyle: 'I have a suit made of rocks if I can get it back from the State of California.'

Argyle:Argyle: 'I don't like it... I love it.' / 'Huzzah!'

Narrator:Title card: 'Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one son-in-law who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Tobias' Arrested Development.'

Tobias · DeBrie:DeBrie vomits on stage / loses a tooth — Tobias: 'Well, that's a good luck sign on Broadway. On the East Coast it's break a leg, on the West Coast it's lose a tooth.'

Tobias · Gob:Tobias casually tells Gob: 'I'm a registered sex offender, but things are good.'

Tobias:Tobias refers to 'the one she owns, not the one she famously went to 12 times' about Lucille 2's rehab center

Gob · Tobias:Gob: 'Well, looks like life is going pretty well for both of us, except that I'm broke.' / Tobias: 'And I'm a sex offender.'

Michael · Tobias:Tobias: 'There are no schools or libraries or Internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.' / 'You know, it's funny, I've been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have.'

Cast · Mark Cherry:♪ 'I'm gonna stomp all over your face / Even if my heart won't snap back into place' ♪ — the musical number for The Fantastic Four

Tobias:Tobias's director/therapist dual-hat confusion: 'I say that as your director. As your therapist, I'm happy that you're expressing yourself. But as a director, I don't have to like it. And I don't. But, also, good for you. Therapist now speaking. But, also, no.'

Tobias · DeBrie:DeBrie does one arm wave. Tobias: 'One move. Let's work with that. Let's use that. Or no move. Good. The power. And she's disappearing as we dance.'

Cast:♪ Fantastic Three / Fantastic Three / Fantastic Four ♪ — the group performs with only three people despite being called Fantastic Four

Tobias:Tobias asks ballpark budget for a Broadway-level production of 'the eight minutes we have right now'

Tobias:Cost estimate: $700,000. Tobias: 'Hey! I can whistle. Ooh, we have to use that in the show.' / 'Now what if, say, I could raise between $50 and $100?'

Narrator:Imagine Generic described as 'a division set up to extend the rights to films that studios weren't prepared to make yet' — cut to: 'I just hope the three of us make it back. / Three of us? / Houston, we're having a baby.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'This has happened to every Broadway show in the history of Broadway shows.' (about not having the rights)

Argyle · Michael:Lucille 2's brother Argyle: 'I'm a tall drink of water, and he's the chaser. Should be flipped, right?' — Michael: 'No, because here's another joke: you owe my sister $700,000, and I'm going to chase you down until you pay up.'

Argyle:Argyle: 'If you don't pay up by the fourth, you're gonna be washing up with the rest of the broken piñatas on the fifth.' (Cinco de Mayo reference)

Lucille 2 · Argyle:Lucille 2 appears — Argyle: 'Lucille!' — Lucille 2 is wearing tap shoes and accidentally stomps on someone: 'Ow, ow! God, what is on the bottom of those shoes?' / 'Taps.' / 'And I can tap dance all over your face, if you know what I mean. Even if my heart won't snap back into place.'

Argyle · Narrator:'I'll chase you down and find you, Michael. You can't hide in a gorilla suit from me.' / Narrator: '♪Mr. F.♪ Argyle was wrong on that count. It was Buster who wore the gorilla suit.'

Tobias:Tobias calls Ron Howard's office: 'Yes, this is Tobias Funke. I'm a registered sex offender, and I'd like to talk to Ron...'

Clinic staff:The clinic refers to the difficult new patient as 'the B word from the C ward. Or is it the C word from the B ward?'

Lucille · Narrator:Cut to the new patient: 'Hello, anus tart.' / Narrator: 'And she never even saw the license plate.'

Tobias · Michael:Michael vaguely describes his relationship problem to Tobias. Tobias: 'I appreciate your bravery. And I know everything seems doomed now...' / 'but trust me... we are (bleep). You're (bleep). (bleep). I mean, unless some sort of miracle coincidence happens.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias: 'What I'm going to do for you, Michael, is I am going to go there with you for moral support and I will act as your assistant and maybe I'll do my famous gay character. I don't think you've seen that character.' / Michael: 'I think I have.' / Tobias: 'Mm... I don't think so.'

Ron Howard:Ron Howard's haircut scene: 'I should warn you, this is what I call a haircut meeting, so we probably don't have much time.' / 'It would be so much better if we could just lose the baseball cap.' / 'We go through this every time. This is a hat-on haircut, so you just cut what they can see. You got it, Floyd? I call all my barbers Floyd.'

Ron Howard:Ron Howard haircut scene: 'I call all my barbers Floyd.' / 'This is a hat-on haircut, so you just cut what they can see.'

Tobias:Tobias interrupts the meeting: 'Tobias Funke. I am a producer as well. But I'm also an actor. That's probably what confused you. Um, I've done several inmate roles as well as a couple of And as it is such, so also as such is it unto you's, but I'll get to you after.'

Ron Howard · Michael:Michael: 'I don't have them.' / Ron: 'Done.' / 'Okay, well, thanks for coming.' — Ron immediately ends the meeting

Michael · Ron Howard:Michael explains he wants Ron to 'let go' of Rebel — Ron reveals she is his daughter: 'She's my little num-num.' / 'Sure.' / 'I've changed her, I've bathed her.' / 'Well, now you want to bathe her.'

Ron Howard · Michael:Ron: 'Did you not know that I'm Rebel's dad?' / Long pause. / Michael: 'I knew that part.'

Michael · Ron Howard:Michael trying to recover: 'But I, I also — I thought that, that, that, that you might also be... her...' / Ron: 'Her lover?' / 'No.' / Ron: 'Well, this is hardly an episode of Happy Days.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I get it. I was arrested as a sex offender, but at least I knew it was my daughter I was arrested for coming on to. Now, about my project, it's a family piece.'

Ron Howard · Michael:Ron Howard: 'I never let personal matters interfere with business. However, you should know she's dating someone else, and I'll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again.' / Michael: 'Incredibly fair of you.'

Tobias:Tobias pitches the Fantastic Four musical to Ron Howard: '...which, with a wave of your little pink hand, you could make happen, and then I'd owe you one.'

Ron Howard:Ron Howard's response: 'I can't do it, but... I also don't want to.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!'

Tobias · Ron Howard:Tobias breaks down: 'You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!' while Ron tries to calm him at the barber's chair.

Michael:Michael, post-meeting: 'I'm gonna start wearing a hat when I get my hair cut, too.'

Michael · Tobias:Tobias signs the movie release, Michael says 'Yes, absolutely, thank you.' — then Michael immediately says 'You're out of the movie.'

Narrator · Tobias:Narrator: 'Without the play, he'd lose DeBrie from his life, but he'd made his bed and had no choice but to lie in it.' / Tobias: 'He's back. I got the rights. We're going to make a musical.' / Narrator: 'Or just lie.'

Lucille · DeBrie:♪ 'I don't want to be invisible...' ♪ — DeBrie singing while Lucille critique-watches: 'Is anyone going to tell her she needs to lose weight? Because I'm not buying invisible, and you don't want to be out there on a raft that's listing.'

Lucille:Lucille: 'Maybe they should retitle this Fantastic Three and Lousy One.'

DeBrie · Lucille · Narrator:DeBrie falls — 'Oh, DeBrie.' / 'Or ankle or knee.' — Narrator: 'And so DeBrie, who had been in the safe harbor of a drug-free zone, found herself in the free drug zone of an unsafe harbor.'

DeBrie · Tobias:DeBrie: 'I think I need some drugs.' Tobias: 'No, it's okay, that's okay, no drugs are necessary. We all want drugs, but that's a no-no, yes?'

Lucille:Lucille at the show: 'In case you didn't know, the stage adds seven pounds. Two words: diet pills. Do you have any?'

Patient · Tobias:Patient asks: 'You're sure the Hispanic community is okay with all of this?' / Tobias: 'Hmm, I'm sure they think of this as an homage.'

Tobias:Tobias to DeBrie: 'You can do anything I want you to do. And-and you want to do as well.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The audience will be completely drunk, and if we're not perfect, they'll take it out on us, but... that's why you're going to be perfect. You have to be perfect.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'The audience will be completely drunk, and if we're not perfect, they'll take it out on us, but... that's why you're going to be perfect. You have to be perfect.'

Tobias:Tobias in the Thing suit, panicking about children in the audience: 'Who would bring kids here? This is no place for... I'm a registered sex offender. All right.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'Feeling frightened and fragile, she tried to keep it together in a very slippery place. And she probably would have made it, if the calming waves she was looking at weren't down current from where Dr. Norman was flushing away the remains of his medical career.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'And so DeBrie, who had been in the safe harbor of a drug-free zone, found herself in the free drug zone of an unsafe harbor.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'I've got a show to do in ten minutes and I haven't got a thing to wear... this Thing suit.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias to Buster: 'You're a monster, you don't have to be good.' / Narrator: 'It wasn't a great choice of words.'

Tobias · DeBrie:Tobias to DeBrie (finding her high on the ground): 'How could you do this to me? Or did I do this to you?' / DeBrie: 'You to me.' / Tobias: 'I should have left you happy and healthy and sober in that rehab...'

Lucille · Tobias:Lucille (Bluth) confronts Tobias about DeBrie being high: 'Someone has to pay for this. You're out!' / Tobias: 'No, don't fire me. I'm on a work-release program. If you fire me, then I have to go back to prison.' / 'And you're investing in this show. What if we get killer notices?'

Lucille:Lucille: 'Get rid of her before someone sees her with their camera phone. You know they have those nowadays.'

Tobias · DeBrie:Tobias: 'Before I go any further with this, there's no way a hot cup of coffee and a glass of the show must go on spirit will encourage you in any way, will it?' / DeBrie: 'Let me die.'

Tobias · Narrator:Tobias: 'Time to channel my inner Storm.' — He then applies blue body paint and creates a costume 'out of some makeup he'd always had in case he got a call.' / Narrator: 'And perhaps it was his muscle memory that led to this.'

Tobias:Tobias, now blue: 'Oh. Pardon the mess. I just blue myself for the first time in five years.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'And now the almost invisible Invisible Girl, got on the boat to head to the floating stage. Unfortunately, and not for the first time, Tobias got on the wrong boat.'

Narrator:The boat is piloted by a man who 'expected a woman in disguise' and 'had a real bad case of face blindness'

Narrator:Credits roll over the actual Fantastic Four musical performance — the narrator: 'does not look like it's going to Broadway. But since they worked so hard, we're going to run credits over it.'

Cast:The final musical countdown: ♪ Fantastic Two / Fantastic Three / Fantastic Four ♪ — counting up to a full cast that never materializes

Cast:Credits sequence: the cast counts down '♪ Fantastic Two ♪... ♪ Fantastic Three ♪... ♪ Fantastic Four ♪' as the show falls apart further.

Buster · Narrator:Buster (in Thing suit): 'The only thing that can destroy me... water.' / Narrator: 'Nice ad-lib.' / Buster: 'Not an ad-lib... I can't swim.'