Lucille finds that her children have started dividing up her things, and adjusts to her new home.
Irony-heavy episode sustains 1.57 jokes per minute across 66 total gags.
Directed by Mitchell Hurwitz, Troy Miller · Written by Mitchell Hurwitz, Dean Lorey, Jim Vallely
WAR
190.1
Wins Above Replacement
“Queen B.” ranks #28 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 96.1 — Elite. The episode packs 117 scored jokes at 2.8 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.6 on impact, with Lucille Bluth landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Narrator: And perhaps, ironically, it was also the night that Lucille 2 became the Invisible Girl.
Narrator Callback Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille Bluth · Gang member: This will be even more exciting if you jump cut it. / Quiet!
Lucille Bluth · Lucille 2: And I knew you couldn't wait to get your liver-spotted claws into my company! / Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space.
Lucille Bluth: You should get an Oscar for your portrayal of George in 'Screw the Oblivious Sister-in-law.'
Lucille Bluth: ♪ My children despise me / My husband defies me / It doesn't surprise me / The hell with them all / I'll put up a wall / You think I'm a villain / A villain I'll be / My heart is in pain / I just want to flee / From me. ♪
Lucille Bluth Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 117 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Narrator: Meet the Jade Dragon Triad. They take no prisoners... because they are prisoners... at the Orange County Correctional Facility L.I.T.E.
Narrator: the 'Real Asian Prison Housewives of the Orange County White Collar Prison System'
Jade Dragon Triad member: one of our members is a real 'B' word
Jade Dragon Triad member: in civilian life, we'd just vote Lu out, but here... she's gonna end up on the wrong end of a noodle.
Jade Dragon Triad member: Uncooked. / You get me?
Lucille Bluth: Ignore them. Their bark is louder than the dogs they eat back home.
Lucille Bluth: Anyone who comes after me is going to be one unfortunate cookie.
Lucille Bluth: I made a pun.
Narrator: It's Lucille's 'Arrested Development.'
Narrator Meta/Self-Referential Running Gag ★ Rewatch Lucille 2: But with those police boats following you, I guess I'm waving good-bye.
Lucille Bluth: You must be mistaken, because I can't see you, and you're usually as hard to miss as Liberace wearing a fright wig.
Lucille 2: I'm practically counting your crow's feet.
Lucille Bluth: Oh, well, maybe I should turn back and show you another bird.
Lucille Bluth: Did you hear me say that about the bird? Hello?!
Narrator: So, in a fit of what sailors call 'sea rage'... she turned back to show her the bird.
Narrator: But Lucille 2 wasn't the only thing that got flipped that day.
Narrator Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Narrator: Then the 'Queen' changed course, heading back to shore, before crashing into the jetty in what can only be described as a 'sail-past' gone wrong.
Narrator Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement Barry Zuckerkorn · Lucille Bluth · Narrator: First of all, won't be cheap. It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees. / What's the good news? / Correction: good news for Barry. / It's all bad news.
Buster Bluth · Narrator: Ma! I fell in the ocean; why didn't you come for me? / And there it is.
Buster Bluth · Barry Zuckerkorn · Lucille Bluth · Narrator: She stole the 'Queen Mary' to get away from the SEC. / Oh, and she winked. / Correction: it's a glare.
Unnamed person · Buster Bluth: Wait, she doesn't have her make-- / I have her lipstick!
Lucille Bluth · Narrator: After the trial, you can move back in. It's only a trial separation. / I made a pun. / Even in this time of stress.
Lucille Bluth · George Sr.: If I need a moment to myself, I'll step out on the balcony. / Your ankle bracelet— it's gonna go off. / So I'll make him stand on the balcony. / He's happiest when he feels useful.
Narrator · Lucille Bluth · Buster Bluth: Narrator: 'There was one bright spot when they simultaneously stumbled on a term they both secretly recognized... hot mess.'
Tobias Fünke: I'm covered with glue and I'm, like... this is a hot mess!
Lucille Bluth: This toast has hook holes... again! I told you to get rid of that thing; it's hideous. / Plus, what's gonna happen when they swear you in? / You're gonna rip the Bible in half. / The jury will love that.
Buster Bluth: Maybe you could hook me up with a little stimmy. / Lil' stimmy.
Buster Bluth · Lucille Bluth: Are you trying to do this? [presumably gestures] / Yes! / And I want stimmy to get a hook that'll do that.
Buster Bluth · Lucille Bluth: Wait, I thought I was the key witness. / You're the star witness. / Oh.
Buster Bluth: Homosexuals kidnapped the boat and took it on a joy ride. Mother didn't want to trample their rights, so she let them.
Buster Bluth · Michael Bluth · George Sr.: Oh, and a fish swam by my ankle. That really happened. Should I keep that? / Make it an eel. / Okay. / It's gonna be an eel! / Better.
Lucille Bluth · Buster Bluth: Buster, I'm going to exhale! / No, please! / I've had, like, seven in the past half hour. / You're not the one staring five years in the face. / Well, right now, I'm staring at a hundred years in the face!
Lucille Bluth · Buster Bluth: It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness. / Star witness.
Lucille Bluth · Narrator: Aw... / And he's supposed to be the good one.
Narrator: Actually, they'd claimed those things years earlier when she was having a sunspot checked.
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Lucille Bluth · Narrator: Thank you so much for coming to be my witness. You're such a large shareholder... / Oh... / I've made a pun.
Lucille Bluth · Lucille 2 · Narrator: Oh! / Now I've gone and done a double. / A double. / Like your pre-surgery chin. / Or your post-breakfast drink.
Lucille 2 · Lucille Bluth: Oh, I wish you'd come to my rehab clinic. / But anything to help that Keystone Cop family of yours. / Keystone Cops.
Lucille Bluth: Your references are as fresh as the wallpaper in the room of that pretend child you've had all these years.
Lucille 2 · Lucille Bluth: None of your family showed up, you poor thing. / This is such a black mark on all of you. / You should know about black marks. / Your pillow must look like a Rorschach test. / Not that there'd be anyone to see it.
Lucille Bluth · Lucille 2: As if everybody in this room couldn't tell how jealous and conniving you are, my dear Lucille Austero. / What I knew was that you were stealing for years... we all did! / That's why nobody was surprised when you stole that boat.
Lucille Bluth · Lucille 2: And I knew you couldn't wait to get your liver-spotted claws into my company! / Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space.
Lucille Bluth · Lucille 2: No further questions! / No further answers!
Barry Zuckerkorn · Lucille Bluth: You think that went well? / I do.
Lucille Bluth · Prison Check-in Staff: Have you heard anything? / Well, our cashier's pregnant, and she's not married, so... / I mean about me. / Oh, you're guilty— three to five.
Prison Welcome Person: Hello! Oh, Mrs. Bluth is here, for stealing the 'Queen Mary.' / We're so glad to have you here.
Lucille Bluth: Slow down. You sound like the end of a Cymbalta commercial.
Prison Guide · Lucille Bluth: your choice of fresh scent, sport, or floral for your delousing. / Also, if you're sexually assaulted by a guard... / A $20 gratuity is appreciated? / No, but press seven on your phone.
Lucille Bluth: I'm losing three to five years. And those are the last years, George, the best years, where you can have sex and not worry about getting pregnant.
Lucille Bluth · George Sr.: The same girl who hands me towels does the cavity checks. / You tip.
Lucille Bluth: And I'm not gonna fake having some sort of... I don't know... alcohol problem-- just so that sterile cuckoo bird can laugh at me.
George Sr. · Lucille Bluth: China Garden's Aunt Olive is very well connected with the Jade Triad Gang. / That's a gang? / I thought they were tech support.
Lucille Bluth: Our beach club used to have a Jewish Day.
Gang member: I can't concentrate. Playing mahjong without cigarette is like playing video poker without... cigarette.
Lucille Bluth · Gang members · Narrator: I know a loophole. / Huh? / 'Roop hore'? / Roop hore. / Roop hore. / You couldn't have chosen a harder word to say.
Narrator: And soon the Dragons were taking 'drags on' their cigarettes again.
Narrator Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch George Sr. · Lucille Bluth: Who better than the Chinese to help us build a wall, right? / So the Chinese will own a piece of the wall between U.S. and Mexico? / They'll own all of it, but they'll make us very rich in the process.
George Sr. · Lucille Bluth: I like the plan... I just wonder if we're not in that treason-adjacent place where the, uh, government will retaliate and, uh... execute us. / Oh, they'd never execute a woman for this. / I have a good feeling about these people. / Oh, that's good enough for me.
Lucille Bluth · Gang member: She said you're fat. / That's what you said, right? / Or does that mean something different in Chinese? / No, it means 'fat.'
Lucille Bluth: Oh! She's got a sharpened noodle! / She's trying to noodle-stab me! / Back up!
Lucille Bluth · Gang member: This will be even more exciting if you jump cut it. / Quiet!
Gang member: You can't just come in and have bread for nothing around here. / You have to pay bill some time.
Gang member Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback George Sr. · Lucille Bluth · Michael Bluth (voiceover/others): We've built this wall. We have miles and... and miles of wall, uh... / There's more wall, uh... / Dad! Dad...! / And you know, and it feels good to help, / It's spinning! / to protecting our-our border. / My God, he Steamboat Willied it.
Gob Bluth · Lucille Bluth: Well, that was fast, you hot little... / It's your mother. / Hi, sorry, I thought you were somebody else. / I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm-I'm dating someone famous. / someone... famous.
Lucille Bluth · Gob Bluth: My God, is there anyone there with half a brain that can help me with this? / I don't know about 'half a brain,' but Tobias is living with me right now and he's not very bright.
Lucille Bluth · Unknown: It's time for Mama to put on the old drunk act. / That was an a...?
Lucille Bluth · Tobias Fünke: You look great. That suit looks very hetero on you. / Well, thank you— you look very hetero as well.
Lucille Bluth: I'm as normal as blueberry pie. So write that down on a form, sign me out...
Lucille Bluth · Tobias Fünke: You don't work any way. / This is your first paying job in ten years. / Oh, no, no, this doesn't pay. / This is part of a work release program. / The state of California thinks that I'm a sex offender.
Lucille Bluth · Tobias Fünke: Fine... you don't look heterosexual in that suit. / You look as swishy as Ryan Seacrest. / Ryan Seacrest is straight. / And I'm 40! Sign the form.
Lucille Bluth · Tobias Fünke: Lucille sits in absolute silence for multiple sessions while Tobias tries and fails to draw her out [visual sequence]
Tobias Fünke: Perhaps that's why they call this place Au-stare-ity. / No? / Au-stare-i... / Fine.
Tobias Fünke Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Tobias Fünke · DeBrie (or co-writer): I mean, why aren't the Fantastic Four fighting anyone. / Instead of just dancing around, you mean. / Right, it's like all Sharks and no Jets.
Tobias Fünke · Co-writer: I mean, that's their foe. / Lucia Von Bardass? / Have you guys ever even read one of these things?
Tobias Fünke · Lucille Bluth: This woman is a villain. / You think I'm a villain, too?
Lucille Bluth: My children are all waiting for me to die so they can divvy up my stuff, my Chinese gang mates were getting ready to noodle stab me, and even one of the guards called me 'Gangie,' and he was talking about the monster movie. / He thinks that horrible monster looks like me!
Lucille Bluth Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Tobias Fünke: Uh, actually I was writing down a casting breakdown for the role of Lucia for my 'Fantastic Four' musical.
Lucille Bluth: This was all about your stupid play? / I was about to cry for the first time in 60 years. / I remember when the last time was, too. / I hid under Mama's porch during a thunderstorm... and I found the remains of my ostri...
Lucille Bluth Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Misdirection ★ Rewatch Tobias Fünke · Lucille Bluth: It's not a stupid play. It's a musical. / And I have to debut it on a boat at Cinco. / It's on a boat? / Take to the sea!
Tobias Fünke · Lucille Bluth: Yes, I'll sign everyone out for the night, but I guess I'll have to play the old sea bitch myself. / I'm in.
Tobias Fünke · Lucille Bluth: Well, I think we have made a breakthrough today. / In the musical, not you. / Oh, God, no, there's miles of work to do with you.
Lucille Bluth: ♪ My children despise me / My husband defies me / It doesn't surprise me / The hell with them all / I'll put up a wall / You think I'm a villain / A villain I'll be / My heart is in pain / I just want to flee / From me. ♪
Lucille Bluth Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Callback Tobias Fünke: Wonderful. / Terrifying. / Isn't she? / Betty, you can leave. / Lucille, would you please stay?
Oscar Bluth · Narrator: Oscar calls the rehab clinic asking for 'Lucille 2' while pretending to be George; reaches the receptionist who says 'Austerity' / Oscar assumes any Lucille will do
Oscar Bluth · Lucille Bluth · Narrator: I want to be with you; I... I have needs. / George, is that you? / It wasn't. It was Oscar who, living as George, and feeling more amorous... went to visit Lucille 2 for an afternoon delight.
Oscar Bluth · Lucille Bluth: Why don't I swing by, and we can conjugate? / Let's do our business over the phone. / May not have a lot of time, but, uh, all right, here goes: / I want to pull your panties off with my... / Real business, George. / I'd very much like to pull your underwear off with my teeth...
Lucille Bluth: Easy... Gene Parmesan got photos of Herbert Love with some redheaded whore. / I'm giving his wife a taste, so he knows we know.
Lucille Bluth · Oscar Bluth: Lucille: 'I'm giving his wife a taste, so he knows we know.' / Oscar: 'I'm not completely following...' / Lucille: 'Oop. Hold on.'
Lucille Bluth · Michael Bluth: So happy to help. / Me, too.
Michael Bluth: She's a redhead now, and she's dating Herbert Love, but other than her looks and her belief system, she's the same old Lindsay.
Lucille Bluth: So that's Lindsay in the photo.
Michael Bluth · Lucille Bluth: She is not dating Ron Howard, Mother. / Ron Howard is her father, okay? / Your mind...
Michael Bluth (in flashback): I'll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again. / You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!
Michael Bluth: in my family, we play a game called 'If You Do Something For Me.'
Michael Bluth · Lem: Tell me what you know about this 'George Maharis.' / Not much. He's old. / Is he older than me? / A few years. / He looks like you. / So, handsome.
Lucille Bluth · Michael Bluth: George Maharis. / George— that's your brother's first name. / George Oscar Bluth. / Yes, uh, George is Gob's first name, yep.
Michael Bluth · Gene Parmesan · Lucille Bluth: Where the hell am I gonna find a P.I.? / Gene Parmesan... at your service. / Gene! / He does this to me every time!
Michael Bluth · Gene Parmesan: This is the great disguise, huh? / Fry cook! / Oh, no, no, this is my horrible night job. / In fact, I was hoping you could drop me off at Chicken Dan's when we're all done.
Michael Bluth · Gene Parmesan: That is embarrassing. / This from a man who's driving around a mapping car?
Gene Parmesan · Michael Bluth: You know, the great thing about these is, there's no software to update... / Oh, God, what are you doing? / Sorry.
Narrator: And while Michael was waylaid... Lucille was working on her tap dancing.
Narrator Visual Gag Deadpan/Understatement Lucille Bluth · Tobias Fünke · DeBrie: She missed a step. Tell her she missed a step. / She can't do it like that. / ... on people's feelings. / Oh, uh, DeBrie, you might have missed a step, so...
Narrator: She was the best villain casting since Shirley MacLaine in 'Gangie Four.'
Narrator Character Comedy Callback Absurdist ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille Bluth · George Sr.: There you are! / What are you doing here? / What do you mean, what am I doing here? / We made plans... to escape on the boat! / I never made plans with you.
Lucille Bluth · George Sr.: You sent your brother to have sex with me? / No, I sent him to listen to you one time, and then, he found out about the wall, and tried to get you talking about it, and this was his way of shutting you up. / He told you this? / No, you told me when I visited. / I got in there a couple of times... too.
George Sr.: Oh, but not for sex. / I don't have the tiger in my tank anymore. / Maybe I do need a vacay.
Lucille Bluth: You should get an Oscar for your portrayal of George in 'Screw the Oblivious Sister-in-law.'
Oscar Bluth: Of course. What? / Do you think I'm here for the donkey punch? Which I do love, and it's the only night you can get it. / But you are the only woman for me, Lucille! / Bring me those thin, pot-stained lips.
Lucille Bluth: She's claimed you! / Everyone I know wants to take everything away from me!
Lucille Bluth · Oscar Bluth: And the Oscar goes, too! / To...?
Tobias Fünke · Lucille Bluth: You are not the villain. / I'm so tired of being the villain. / Well, those days are over. / What you are is the Invisible Girl. / You make it impossible for people to see you in order to protect yourself.
Lucille Bluth: I do do that.
Narrator: And perhaps, ironically, it was also the night that Lucille 2 became the Invisible Girl.
Narrator Callback Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Tobias Fünke: They're going to be talking about this bomb for years. / Oh, God, it is bad, isn't it? / Lindsay was right to discourage me.
Tobias Fünke · Marky: Tobias? / Marky? / If you're not Lindsay, then where is Lindsay? / Isn't that her on the love boat? / But I just put a bomb on the love boat! / What?!
Narrator · Tobias Fünke · Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Lindsay remembers she's on a boat... that Marky had intended to bomb. / You gotta get off the boat! / And it turns out to be kind of romantic. / Bomb!
Narrator: that Lindsay and Tobias have matching suitcases.
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Top Episodes — Arrested Development
