George Sr. tries to find a way to attend an anniversary dinner for Lucille while Michael deliberately offends Ann's devout Christian parents. Tobias goes overboard performing his "Mrs. Featherbottom" persona.
Cringe-heavy episode delivers 54 jokes in 54 minutes, just shy of elite status.
Directed by Joe Russo, Anthony Russo · Written by Barbie Adler, Richard A. Rosenstock
WAR
174.9
Wins Above Replacement
“Meat The Veals” ranks #11 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 98.4 — Elite. The episode packs 102 scored jokes at 3.6 per minute, averaging 7.8 on craft and 7.6 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Lucille: My advice, get one of those teddy bears with the cameras in them. I had one in Buster's room to make sure he wasn't getting too serious with anyone. As it turned out, he got too serious with the teddy bear.
Lucille Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Tobias · Michael: Jolly news, governor. Young master's proposing. / George Michael? I told him not to. He said he wouldn't. / Well, this was before he saw you pounding that sweet piece of veal.
Tobias Michael Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Narrator · Lindsay: [Narrator] In fact, Lindsay was currently wearing it on her middle toe, roast beef.
Franklin · George Sr. · Gob: I ain't kissin' that old bitch. / That's my wife, you bastard! / Dad, that's my wrist! / [Groaning] Hey, man! That's his neck!
Maeby · Michael: Who's the hottie? / This is Ann's mother. / Her?
Maeby Michael Callback Running Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 102 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Narrator · Tobias: Narrator reveals Tobias had been posing as an English nanny named Mrs. Featherbottom
Tobias: Who'd like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right. I forgot. Here in the States you call it a sausage in the mouth.
Tobias Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Michael · Narrator: We just call it a sausage. [Narrator] The family, of course, knew it was Tobias...
Narrator: But the house had never been cleaner.
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Lindsay · George Michael: Which means I don't have anything to wear for my premiere. The premier- of Canada.
George Michael: He's going out with my gym teacher.
Maeby: Yeah. And if I don't get your report on it, I won't be able to pass.
Maeby Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jeff: On it. Because I have a feeling it's a piece of- [Bleeps]
Jeff Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Maeby: Maybe we just need a new- [Bleeps] housekeeper.
Maeby Character Comedy Running Gag Callback Tobias: I'm sure she would have ironed it for you had you told her about it before she changed out of her bloody work clothes. But I am off then.
Tobias Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Having my day ruined with whatever you're about to ask me to do.
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Michael: He is aware that he's not married to you, right?
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Lucille: Not now. It's my time of the month. / Not now. I don't want to risk having a baby. It could kill me.
Buster: Well, he didn't return when I lost my hand. But you not only embrace it, but I saw you kissing it while you thought I was sleeping.
Buster Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille: Well, I'm sorry if I don't want you doing one of your stupid puppet shows.
Lucille Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Gob: I did that once, Mom. And a lot of people thought it was pretty cool.
Gob Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Gob · Franklin: Can I tell you somethin', my man? Sure, Franklin. You are one cool- [Bleeps] / Speakin' of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
Gob: Get off my wife, you bastard!
Gob Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Narrator · Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear. / He also said some things that African-Americany wasn't ready to hear either.
Narrator Gob Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille · Michael · Franklin · George Sr.: Why do you have the baby monitor out? / She wants her man back. / On my son. / Yo, man. You're gonna get your sorry white ass thrown in jail.
Lucille: My advice, get one of those teddy bears with the cameras in them. I had one in Buster's room to make sure he wasn't getting too serious with anyone. As it turned out, he got too serious with the teddy bear.
Lucille Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch George Michael · Gob · Michael: Gangy's having an anniversary party? / Seems that way. / Is Franklin gonna be there? / See that, Mike? Kids love Franklin.
Gob: I just don't want him to point out my cracker ass in front of Ann.
Gob Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Narrator · Lindsay: [Narrator] In fact, Lindsay was currently wearing it on her middle toe, roast beef.
George Michael · George Sr. · Michael: I feel like God moved her here from Ohio to be with me. / [George] Her? / Well, that's the first I've heard of this. / Well, then who said 'Her?' / Me. That was — That was me. / But, um, her?
Michael · Tobias: I had it once. A man I loved — / [Tobias enters] Here's young Maeby's blouse. / And then things took a turn somehow.
Tobias · George Michael: Master Bluth. I haven't seen you in a week's time. / Actually, you tried to put a banger in my mouth this morning.
George Michael · Michael: Hey, Dad. Can you drive me to Ann's? / N-N-N- / Y-Yes. / Great. I'll wait in the car.
George Sr. · Gob · Michael: [George] Get your loser hand out of my ass. / Hello, Son. / Oh, Dad. I thought- Dad? / This is where you've been hi- Michael.
Pastor Veal · Michael: Oh, are you a churchgoing man? / I am. Sometimes. Yes. I don't go religiously. / I mean, I'm not a nut about it. / Because there is no such thing as a nut when it comes to religion, Pastor.
Pastor Veal: I've met a few. [re: religious nuts]
Michael · Pastor Veal · Mrs. Veal: This is your wife. Didn't — Didn't realize you could remarry. / What? / Is this Ann's mother? / I'm Mrs. Veal. / I'm sorry. I just — I did not expect somebody so young. / Next you're gonna say how Ann and I can be sisters. / No, I'd never say that.
Pastor Veal · Mrs. Veal · Michael: Oh, my gosh. / Oh, my gosh. / Well, that is something to celebrate. Can we open up some sparkling apple cider? / No. / Oh, did you want us to go down to the liquor store and get you some liquor?
Mrs. Veal: Who can blame you? You gotta lock that down.
Narrator: [Narrator] And that's when Michael devised a new plan to win the Veals' disapproval.
Narrator Irony/Sarcasm Meta/Self-Referential Michael · Gob · Franklin: Hey, Gob. Mom wants Franklin at the party. / Yeah. What? / No, no, no. I don't want to talk — Hey, Franklin.
Tobias · Buster · Lucille: Sorry. Just stuffing the mushroom. / You realize that's Tobias, don't you? / If he's gonna raid my closet, he's gonna work for it.
Tobias · Maeby: [Tobias attempts an entrance to enchant his daughter] [Singing In Falsetto] / Ohhhh! / We shan't be telling your mother this, shan't we?
Tobias Maeby Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Tobias: Tobias falls attempting a dramatic entrance for Maeby while singing in falsetto, injures his ankle
Tobias Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback George Michael · Lucille: Ann just called. They had a predawn mass, and then they're gonna go to mass, so — / Well, Ann's got a great deal of mass.
Michael: Only so that they'll disapprove of us... And after Mom's second vodka, and after Buster's second juice box, they're gonna forbid Ann from even seeing my son.
Michael Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Michael · Narrator: You'll understand when Maeby starts getting proposals. / [Narrator] Actually, Maeby had given two that day.
Studio Executive · Maeby: I can't read what you wrote on this buck slip. You've got the handwriting of a 15-year-old. / Fifteen-year-old. Marry me!
Guard · Maeby: Boy, you get a lot of mail from that movie studio. / I write a lot of letters to movie stars. / You seem a little old for that. / Babysit me.
Guard Maeby Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Running Gag Guard · Maeby: That place seems so old for you. / I'll send Dr. Epstein your compliments. / And may I add, marry me.
Lucille · Mrs. Veal · Michael: Are you sure this isn't her sister? / What a lovely thing to say. / That's an awful thing to say, Mom. Please.
Mrs. Veal · Michael: I'm so eager to meet your husband. / Yeah. Dad escaped from prison. Did you not know that?
Police Officer · Michael · George Sr. · Franklin: Is that Mr. Bluth there? / He's got us, Dad. Come on out. / He's talking to you, you idiot. Cover. / I ain't your daddy!
Police Officer: I'm just messin' with you. Hey, Franklin. How you doin', little man?
George Sr. · Gob: No. Cover her eyes and take her to the limo. / No. Bring her in here, knock her out with this ether, and you stuff her into this garment bag. / Anyone sees, you do the same. Oh, hi, Tobias.
Tobias: Whenever I get a wee bit scared I hum a little tune / Hum diddle diddly / Hum di-do
Tobias Character Comedy Absurdist George Sr. · Gob: You put a handkerchief over her mouth for a couple of seconds. No more than two though. 'Cause you could kill her. / I don't have a handkerchief. / Fine. Put the ether on the puppet's lips. Have the puppet kiss her.
Franklin · George Sr. · Gob: I ain't kissin' that old bitch. / That's my wife, you bastard! / Dad, that's my wrist! / [Groaning] Hey, man! That's his neck!
Mrs. Veal · Gob: Where's your pal Franklin? / Throat's a little sore. And wrist.
George Michael · Michael · Mrs. Veal: I was thinking of giving her, like, a pre-engagement — / Ring? / Wow. That catches me off guard, George Michael. I'm not sure about that. / I think it's gonna backfire on you... And you can't. It's very sacred. / Sacred. / Yeah. That's it.
George Michael: Maybe I should ask if she wants to get pre-pre-engaged. Add another—
Michael: The mere fact that you're laughing about marriage means that you're not ready, okay?
Michael Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Lucille: What's so important that you're dragging me away from this miserable party?
Lucille Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Michael · Lucille · Franklin: Well, I just had an old friend who wanted to tell you how much I miss you! / Oh, who let this little black — [Bleeps] / Hey, Brother.
Lucille · Buster: Who you callin' brother, you hook-ass — / Mother! / [Horn Blows] [Groaning]
Lucille Buster Callback Physical/Slapstick Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille: What the hell kind of puppet does Buster have on his hand?
Lucille Character Comedy Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Gob: God, Franklin. Your breath — Oh, God.
Gob Character Comedy Absurdist Callback George Michael · Ann · George Michael: Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna do it now. / Because Ann's mom doesn't approve of our family? Come on. / It's just some stupid plan your father was trying. / Plan? What plan?
Mrs. Veal · Michael: Mrs. Veal admits to Michael she agrees the kids are too young — 'perhaps there's someone else they're meant to meet' — then immediately starts flirting: 'Take me. Take me to your secular world.'
Michael · Mrs. Veal: Perhaps there's someone else they're meant to meet. / Well, let's just say that in the secular world, one finds oneself with their fair share of temptations. Not that anyone would ever act — / [Mumbling] / Take me. / Take me to your secular world.
George Michael · Ann: Take it. Take the sacred ring. / Not the snake. That doesn't come off.
Narrator: [Narrator] Michael had just been kissed by the mother of his son's girlfriend.
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Narrator: [Narrator] Michael had just been kissed by the mother of his son's girlfriend.
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Mrs. Veal · Michael: I can't believe we're making love. / What are you talking about? We're not making love. / I want to please you secularly.
Mrs. Veal · Michael: But you kept telling me how beautiful I was. / I was surprised because of Ann. / Well — Why because of Ann? / Because of an old wives' tale.
Tobias · Michael: Jolly news, governor. Young master's proposing. / George Michael? I told him not to. He said he wouldn't. / Well, this was before he saw you pounding that sweet piece of veal.
Tobias Michael Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Tobias · Michael: Oh, he left with Lady Lindsay — / Tobias, where are they? / It is me. It's Tobias.
Michael · Tobias: We're tryin' to figure that out. Apparently Pop-Pop kidnapped Gangy, and I have no idea where George Michael is — or Lindsay. / I just saw them drive off. They're gonna go look for Bland.
Michael Tobias Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Maeby · Michael: Who's the hottie? / This is Ann's mother. / Her?
Maeby Michael Callback Running Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Maeby: Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace's mom?
Maeby Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Tobias: I had this shipped over from 'Blackstool.' It's what I used to drive the Roger Moores about in.
Tobias Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Narrator · Lucille: [Narrator] And Lucille awoke, half in the bag. / What am I doing in a Nordstrom bag?
George Sr. · Michael: But first — / Uh, Dad — / we make love. / The partition doesn't go all the way up, remember?
Michael: Seriously, Dad. The radio doesn't work either.
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Escalation Callback Tobias: [Mrs. Featherbottom] Oh, mercy me! I keep forgetting I'm in the colonies.
Tobias Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Pastor Veal: Pastor Veal officiating a vow renewal: '...to love and honor your spirit and flesh. First the flesh. I will caress and tweak. I will nibble and bite. I will blow alternatingly hot and cool.'
Pastor Veal Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch George Michael: Oh, man. I can't wait to get married.
George Michael: Will you one day... uh, intend to marry me? / It would be great to hear back on this before the real hard A.P. Stuff kicks in.
Ann · George Michael · Pastor Veal: Let's do it. Now. / Let's actually get married. / Right now? / My father's in there. He can do it as soon as he finishes. / 'I'll always be here for you to rest your ankles upon my shoulders.'
George Michael: Uh, faster, Pastor.
Narrator · Oscar · George Sr.: [Narrator] Oscar charged at George Sr., finally willing to fight for Lucille. But they did think alike... and neither could land a blow.
George Michael: Dad, do us. We're ready to get married.
Pastor Veal · Michael · Mrs. Veal: You kissed my wife? / No. She started kissing me. / You really should lock that down.
Pastor Veal · Michael: You kissed my wife? / No. She started kissing me. / You really should lock that down.
Police Officers: Put your hands up, or we'll take that as a sign of aggression against us. / They're not up! He's aggressive!
George Sr. · Oscar: Oscar, I don't want her. I don't want either of them. / Oh. Sorry. Where's my brother?
Tobias · Narrator: Look at all the bobbies. [Chuckles] / Oh, no. My wig seems to have run off. / [Narrator] On George Sr., as it turned out.
Police Officer · Lucille: Who is this guy? / This guy is my husband.
Mrs. Veal · Michael: [Mrs. Veal] Terry, I don't know what happened. I fell under the spell of that horrible secular family. Forgive me. / Could've used that horrible family stuff about a half hour ago.
Mrs. Veal · Michael: Mrs. Veal: I fell under the spell of that horrible secular family. Forgive me. / [Michael] Could've used that horrible family stuff about a half hour ago.
Oscar · Lucille: I hope you notice I didn't run. / You fought for me. / What I meant to say is I — I think I broke my ankle.
Oscar · Lucille: I hope you notice I didn't run. / You fought for me. / What I meant to say is I— I think I broke my ankle.
George Sr.: Let's alternate hot and cool on that.
Michael · George Michael: You need to get to know each other better... and then you can be comfortable going all the way with it. / Do you mean it? / Yes. This time I'm being honest with you.
Ann · Ann: It sounds like your father just gave us permission to start doing it. / You must teach me, George Michael. You must teach me the ways of the secular flesh.
Ann Ann Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Narrator · Buster: [On the next Arrested Development] Buster finds someone else interested in kissing his hook. / Oh, God! / Drug dog's got something. Get him, Bennett!
Unknown · Franklin: They're not gonna let you in at the country club with that. / I don't want no part of your tight-ass country club, you freak bitch!
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