Gob and Buster team up for some magic tricks with the help of Buster's fake hand, but when Tony Wonder, a rival magician, starts to mentor them, somebody gets the finger. Meanwhile, Michael is forced to delegate some work when he's hospitalized and Lindsay teaches George Michael how to drive using the staircar.
Deadpan escalation carries a solid 80.9 score across 61 jokes in 23 minutes.
Directed by Peter Lauer · Written by Brad Copeland
WAR
146.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Sword Of Destiny” ranks #35 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 95.8 — Elite. The episode packs 93 scored jokes at 3.3 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
George Sr.: 'Booyah!' [on the news broadcast, from George Sr.'s demand tape]
Michael · Gob: 'Sorry.' / 'You'll be sorry!' / [Beat] 'Wait, that doesn't work after his line.'
Michael Gob Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dr. Stein: Dr. Stein on Michael's leg: 'I've shortened your calf muscles to theoretically increase your jumping ability.'
Gob · Tony Wonder: Gob: 'This DVD is the destiny the sword has chosen for me. I wonder where he is.' Tony Wonder: 'Did somebody say Wonder?'
Narrator: Narrator: 'Actually, he'd been hiding inside the dumbwaiter for over 20 minutes, waiting for someone to use the word wonder.'
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Absurdist ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 93 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Narrator · Michael: Narrator undercuts Michael's claim about blueprints: 'Well, that part wasn't true. But they would've.'
Lindsay · Michael: Lindsay reveals she needs a break from Mrs. Featherbottom — who IS Tobias — and wants Michael to hire him so she gets relief from her own husband in disguise
Lindsay · Michael: 'No. She's the only one who can hand wash my delicates.' / 'Yeah, the real Tobias wouldn't do that.'
Tobias · Michael: Tobias produces a résumé from 'Gobias Industries' — pronounced with a hard G — which stands for 'Go buy us a cup of coffee'
Tobias: 'Booyah!' — Tobias pulls out the résumé, already anticipating Michael would ask for one
Tobias Character Comedy Reaction Beat Michael · Tobias: 'It looks like you might be a little too qualified' — Michael finds a way to reject Tobias after the Gobias reveal
Tobias · Michael: Tobias appoints himself Michael's new assistant on the spot without being hired
Narrator · Starla: Narrator reveals Starla was bitten by 'a well-known music producer's guard dog'
Tobias · Ted · Michael: Tobias ejects Ted from the office: 'No. Well, then, Ted can get the hell out of this office!' — then announces 'And that's how you keep out unwanted visitors'
Tobias: 'Let me take off my assistant skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit'
Tobias Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Lindsay · Michael: Lindsay mentions an Eastern medicine store called 'Ancient Chinese Secret' — both characters say the name simultaneously in a recognizing tone
Gob: Gob at Ancient Chinese Secret: 'Yeah, I need a tea to give my dingle less tingle'
Gob Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Gob: 'Me quick, want slow. Wait, that's Indian.'
Gob Character Comedy Absurdist Gob · Store Owner · Narrator: Gob spots the Sword of Destiny and the store owner's explanation that it contains ancient magic — followed by the narrator's non-sequitur: 'Still, where'd the lighter fluid come from?'
Narrator: Narrator, about the flaming lighter fluid: 'Still, where'd the lighter fluid come from?'
Narrator Meta/Self-Referential Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Gob: Gob dismisses the ancient story of warning: 'Yeah, I make up my own patter. Just ring it up with the dong tea.'
Gob Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Michael · Gob: Michael: 'Looks like you're looking for dragons, in the future.' — on seeing Gob with a sword
Gob · Michael: Gob cuts himself on the Sword of Destiny immediately after being told to be careful; insists it's not blood; Michael confirms 'Yeah, that's blood.'
Michael: 'Really picked up steam there at the end' — Michael's response to Gob's pitch ending with 'and you ram the Sword of Destiny into my belly'
Michael Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Gob: 'I'll buy you 100 George Michaels you can teach to drive!' — Gob's offer as he loses blood
Gob Absurdist Character Comedy Michael · Gob: 'You're losing blood, aren't you?' 'Probably. My socks are wet.' — Gob's casual acknowledgment of potentially fatal blood loss
Michael · Gob: 'Sorry.' / 'You'll be sorry!' / [Beat] 'Wait, that doesn't work after his line.'
Michael Gob Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Narrator · Michael · George Michael: Narrator: 'And Michael rushed home to teach his son to drive' — followed immediately by Michael explaining the stair car's quirks
Narrator · Michael: Michael is immediately hit (presumably by the stair car steps) mid-lesson, the narrator commenting: 'And that's when Michael decided that perhaps it was time for a sick day'
Narrator · Michael: Michael gets hit by the stair car during the lesson. Narrator: 'And that's when Michael decided that perhaps it was time for a sick day.'
Tobias · Michael: Mrs. Featherbottom (Tobias in disguise) arrives to nurse Michael: 'My baby is sick, but Mother is here to nurse you.' Michael: 'Well, now I'm a little sicker.'
Michael: Michael mid-sentence claiming to be in control: 'I'm in charge and I'm in con— I'm peeing. Am I peeing?'
Michael Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Nurse: Nurse's response to Michael peeing: 'I'm sorry. We gave you a little something to relax you. It may have taken the tingle out of your genitals.'
Nurse Deadpan/Understatement Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Doctor · Michael · George Michael: 'I'm sorry to say this, but it's too late for me to do anything for your son.' / 'Let him keep talking.'
Doctor · Dr. Stein: Dr. Stein introduced as 'the best' — caveat: 'Well, only in the county'
Tobias: Tobias pivots from the medical discussion: 'Or it could be your colon. I'd want to get in there and find some answers.'
Tobias Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Michael: Michael uses the doctors-as-authority-figures as a lesson in deference, saying employees need to respect him 'just like the employees at the Bluth Company need to respect me' — while literally peeing himself
Michael Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Dr. Stein: Dr. Stein: 'I'm going to put you on this machine to slow down your heart rate. Hopefully not too slow, because it's already dangerously slow as it is.'
Dr. Stein Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Michael: Michael, sedated, deferring to Dr. Stein: 'Whatever you think, Doctor. You see, he's the authority here. We need to respect him just like the employees at the Bluth Company need to respect me.'
Michael Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Narrator: Narrator: 'Tony Wonder had startled the world by baking himself into a loaf of bread. He sold DVDs of it on his Web site, which many claimed suffered due to its pop-up ads.'
Narrator Absurdist Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Buster · Gob: Buster finally feels like 'a real person, not some deformed—' then screams when Gob notices his hook and calls him 'Elephant Man'
Buster Gob Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Callback George Sr. · Tobias: George Sr. hears the employees need reassurance and responds with a triumphant 'Booyah!' — which refers to Tobias being sent to the office
Buster: Buster's mechanical Halloween hand whirs and waves uncontrollably as an 'outfit' during the magic show setup
Buster Visual Gag Physical/Slapstick ★ Rewatch Callback Tony Wonder · Buster: Tony Wonder whispers his trick to Buster: 'I folded it up into some squares, and I put it in a pouch under my shirt and then I pull it out' — then 'Keep it to yourself'
Tony Wonder: Tony Wonder says 'I started out as a little W. Somehow I became a big one. I don't even know how it happened.'
Tony Wonder · Buster: Tony Wonder gets poked in the eye by Buster's mechanical hand and screams 'My eye!'
Tony Wonder: Tony Wonder's parting gift: 'Enjoy the Hanukkah cookie, man'
Tobias: Tobias addresses the employees: 'My name is Dr. Tobias Fünke and I'll be filling in for Michael, who is not sick.' [Nervous chuckle]
Tobias Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Tobias: 'In fact, just today I saw a sliver of his buttocks and they're as fresh and firm as a Georgia peach, so not to worry.'
Tobias Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Tobias: 'But before you all rise up and say, "Well, let's make this man our leader," well, I think that won't be necessary after you see this.'
Tobias Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Lindsay · George Michael: Lindsay teaches George Michael to drive with the instruction 'Jam on it! It feels great, right?'
Gob · Buster: Gob says 'And now our magic trick.' Buster replies 'Illusion.' Gob: 'Silence, slave!'
Gob Buster Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Buster · Gob: Buster hands Gob the sword 'It's a real sword, master.' The crowd applauds when they realize — Gob: 'We've got 'em. I'm gonna milk this for a minute.'
Buster Gob Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Gob · Buster: Gob: 'May I have the trick sword, please?' Buster: 'It's a real sword, master.' [Light applause from audience]
Gob: Gob, preparing to milk the real-sword tension: 'We've got 'em. I'm gonna milk this for a minute.' [Panting]
Gob Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gob · Buster: Buster's mechanical hand grabs Gob's sword arm and won't let go; Gob screams 'My hand! My hand!' and the crowd applauds thinking it's the trick
Gob Buster Physical/Slapstick Irony/Sarcasm Callback Tony Wonder: Tony Wonder: 'My brother's widow. It's — [bleeps] — up.'
Tony Wonder · Gob: Tony Wonder tells Gob about his planned DVD 'Use Your Illusion' — reveals 'some band has got the rights to that title. So I'm thinking, like, Use Your Illusion II.'
Tony Wonder · Gob: Tony Wonder's DVD plan includes literary allusions: 'like you know Poe or something. Don't do Poe, 'cause I'm doin' Poe.' / 'What about Chaucer?' / 'Just not Poe, okay?'
Tony Wonder · Gob: Tony Wonder's parting gift to Gob is a Subway Sub Club card — 'It still needs three stamps.'
Lucille: Lucille: 'I was going to videotape that hop-on.'
Lucille Character Comedy Dark/Subversive George Michael: George Michael reports on Lindsay's driving lesson: 'She's still trying to get the stairs unwedged from the emergency room overhang.'
Dr. Stein: Doctor reveals the appendix wasn't inflamed after all: 'Once I got in there, the appendix wasn't so inflamed. D'oh.'
Dr. Stein: Second surgery planned for an infection from the first surgery: 'I say we go in there Dr. Stein-style and cut it out. I want to show these interns what the best doctor in Southern California can do.'
Unnamed character (likely Lucille or Tobias): 'And you are peeing again.' — as Michael is making an important point about authority
Narrator: Narrator: 'Michael realized he was going to wake up to nothing but trouble.' — as the news reveals George Sr. is in Iraq
Narrator Irony/Sarcasm Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Tobias · Narrator: FBI news broadcast plays the tape — which ends with Tobias in turban saying 'This is my demand. Booyah!'
George Sr.: 'Booyah!' [on the news broadcast, from George Sr.'s demand tape]
Gob · Tony Wonder: Gob: 'This DVD is the destiny the sword has chosen for me. I wonder where he is.' Tony Wonder: 'Did somebody say Wonder?'
Narrator: Narrator: 'Actually, he'd been hiding inside the dumbwaiter for over 20 minutes, waiting for someone to use the word wonder.'
Narrator Deadpan/Understatement Absurdist ★ Rewatch Tony Wonder: Tony Wonder: 'Oh, hey, you've got a piece of lettuce on your shoulder.' [produces it] 'Ta-da! Part of the trick.'
Tony Wonder: Tony Wonder apparently produces a piece of lettuce from nowhere and says 'Ta-da!'
Gob · Tony Wonder: Gob: 'I grant him magic sanctuary.' Tony: 'That's fine. I second the sanctuary. But with a clause of silence.'
Tony Wonder: Tony now pitches the DVD title 'Use Your Illusion' — now 'Allusion' with an A — and wants them to put in a literary allusion
Gob · Tony Wonder · Buster: Gob dramatically declares he and Buster are inseparable: 'My assistant is my partner. I need him.' — immediately followed by Tony asking 'For what, Buster?'
Tony Wonder · Buster: Tony Wonder on Buster's mechanical hand dance moves: 'Check out those moves you're doin', man. They're in their own orbit.'
Tony Wonder: Tony on his assistant Tiagra: 'Look at Tiagra, my girl. Don't look at her. 'Cause you look at her and it affects her in a way that I don't feel comfortable with. Or go for it. I don't care, whatever. I'm just sayin' it's your world.'
Tony Wonder: Tony Wonder slips on something behind the scenes and screams: 'Ow! Darryl, I told you to move that [bleeps] chair 10 times! And clean the [bleeps] dumbwaiter while you're at it!'
Tony Wonder Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Tony Wonder: Tony Wonder: 'Clean the [bleep] dumbwaiter while you're at it!'
Buster: Buster's wistful reaction to Tony's missed trick opportunity: 'Oh, I was really hoping for a graham cracker. That would have been a good spot for a trick.'
Buster Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dr. Stein: Doctor: 'We got the abscess, but I think we might have left some snippers in there.'
Dr. Stein: Dr. Stein on the missing snippers: 'It's not very likely, but one of the assistants having taken them is even less likely. Unless I left them in my scrubs.'
Dr. Stein Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Lucille · Michael: 'Tobias said he's handling it with the FBI and the employees have everything under control.' / 'No, that's the worst thing possible.'
Tobias: Tobias addresses the press: 'Michael Bluth is not... in Iraq.' — with a hesitation
Tobias Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Michael · Ted: Michael arrives to find the office empty, catastrophizing — then discovers the employees have solved everything by moving floors
Ted · Employees: Ted reveals the employees leased the top floor, moved down, and solved the financial problem without Michael. 'We did it. We did it!' [Cheering]
Gob: Gob on stage: 'What are you doin'? I'm Gob Bluth. I'm the real magician. This man is only the assistant.'
Gob Character Comedy Escalation Gob · Buster: Buster hands Gob the sword — blade first. 'Handle first. Handle first.' [Screams] — Gob's fingers are cut off
Gob Buster Physical/Slapstick Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Buster · Gob: Buster hands Gob the real Sword of Destiny blade-first. 'Handle first. Handle first.' [Screams] 'Oh, my fingers! He cut off my fingers!'
Buster Gob Physical/Slapstick Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Gob: 'I'm not kidding! He cut off my [bleeps] fingers!' — audience continues applauding
Gob Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Callback Unnamed Audience Member: 'I didn't know we had taquitos.' — audience member during Gob's screaming
Michael · George Michael: Michael decides to 'give up some authority' and lets George Michael drive — George Michael immediately runs over Michael with the car
Dr. Stein: Dr. Stein on Michael's leg: 'I've shortened your calf muscles to theoretically increase your jumping ability.'
Dr. Stein: Dr. Stein: 'But if it works, I could be the best in the world.'
Dr. Stein Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Michael: 'I want the other doctor back.'
Michael Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement Callback Gob · Frank (doctor): [On the next Arrested Development] Gob's middle finger and index finger are revealed to have been switched in reattachment
Narrator · FBI Agent · Tobias: FBI interprets George Sr.'s message tape as a 'terrorist training film' — the footage is Tobias in karate gear shouting 'You're not half the man he was!'
Narrator · FBI Agent · George Sr. · Michael: FBI footage reveal: 'We think it's a terrorist training film.' Cut to: George Sr. yelling at Michael while Michael does push-ups. 'You're not half the man he was!'
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