Off The Hook

Narrator:It was Tres de Cinco, or the day before Cinco de Cuatro

Buster:They're for Cinco. In case you wanted to make confetti out of something other than the pictures that they sell of the chubby Linda Ronstadt.

Buster · Narrator:I'm with a beautiful, elegant woman! / And I think we should take it to the next level.

Narrator:Buster had come a long way since his fear of boats was conquered… and then rekindled, only to find himself facing a bigger fear. But his biggest fear wasn't confronting a wet, loose seal; it was losing one.

Buster:Wait! She doesn't have her makeup! I have her lipstick! Mother!

Michael:There's about 400 witnesses that are ready to throw her underneath the boat. I don't think I can even help.

Buster · Narrator:Mother is going to come waltzing through that door any day now, and she is going to be screaming, 'Make sure you frisk that girl before…' [cut to silence]

Buster:You have reduced. Well, you're not that skinny. Welcome home, chubs. Oh, you will kill me for that. And I don't want that blood on my hands.

Narrator:And with his mother gone, it was nice to get a chance to use the sewing machine.

Buster · Narrator:Buster talking to the Lucille dummy/stand-in: 'Buster, you always come through.' / 'Oh, Mother, that's so nice.' / 'No, no, I mean it. It's amazing work.' / 'But he knew it wasn't real. Okay, I need to stop, or I'm going to be committed.'

Buster:And then the waiter came back, and he said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you?' And I said, 'I'm Buster Bluth. That's the fourth time I've told you.'

Narrator:To an uninformed observer, it looked a little like that Vince Vaughn movie Psycho.

Buster:Dancing with the Stars has gone completely downhill.

Buster:This pasta's way overcooked, Buster! / Well, you didn't leave me the simplest recipe, Mother.

Buster · Lucille:Guess the Fur — the one you got after Dad had the affair with the chubby intern from Riverside.

Lucille:Close your eyes tight and plug your ears. Just plug one ear and press the other one to the couch.

Buster:Right to the smokes, huh? Give me a minute. Let me catch my breath.

Buster:You've managed to combine people's fear of homosexuals and eels into one alibi.

Lucille:And he'll be wearing his Army uniform so I can pretend I'm proud of him again.

Buster:I couldn't find my Army uniform. Oh, but I thought the jury might like it if I show up as John-John Kennedy.

Lucille · Buster:Oh, yeah, that went over great last time. And it was offensive. Half your testicle was hanging out of that thing. Good! I'm glad they saw it.

Lucille:Keep your ball joke to yourself, Andrew Dice Clay.

Buster · Lucille:You're a hot mess! / You're a hot mess!

Buster:I'm going to the park!

Lucille 2 · Buster:00 in the afternoon. / 00 a.m. somewhere. / Oh, I forgot... your mother wouldn't allow it. / I don't care what she wants. / Don't care what she wants. / I don't do everything she tells me. Let's get juiced.

Lucille 2 · Buster:Lucille 2: 'It's 2:00 in the afternoon.' / Buster: '2:00 a.m. somewhere.' — misapplying the 'it's 5:00 somewhere' logic

Narrator:The next morning, Buster awoke with a vicious juice hangover.

Buster:Key witness! Key witness coming through. I'm a key… I… I was making two ban…

Buster:Late last night, it was drizzling rain! I'm a key witness.

Buster:Is it over? / No, no, the grab-a-crab fest just started. / Grab-a-crab? / Oh, ma'am, um… is… is there a verdict in the 'my mother stole the Queen Mary' thing?

Lucille:I can smell the cran-apple on you from here.

Lucille · Buster:I'm serving three to five. / Like the saltless pie?

Lucille:I hope your juicy blender bender was worth it. Don't come to visit me because I won't see you. Oh, and good luck with your night terrors. Now no one will be there to hear your screams.

Buster:Buster's response to being told no one will hear his screams: 'Won't miss it!' — defiantly, then immediately looking lost

Buster:I love to hear all about your medications and ailments and whatnot. Is that baby toe of yours still crawling over the others like a weird weed?

Lucille 2:My bedroom, my bathtub with the railing…

Buster · Lucille 2:So, that pretend kid's bedroom, is that not an option…? / No, that room is all storage now, honey.

Narrator · Lucille 2 · Buster:Did you hear it? / Wait. Did you just drop the 2 after my name? / Oh, I hope not. That would be creepy.

Narrator:Before you accidentally skip back too far and wind up in the middle of the Maeby episode, trust me, no '2' was spoken.

Narrator · Prison Guard · Buster:He even pretended to be an old college flame of Lucille's to gain admittance. / Alex Trebek? / She then rephrased it in the form of a question. / Who is Alex Trebek?

Buster:Do you have a pie or a small sponge cake available?

Lucille 2 · Buster:I hope you are in the mood for a hot tomato. / Mmm. Soup? / With little grilled cheese sandwiches on the side. / Buster, that was innuendo. / Oh. My Lord, it's like we're speaking different languages here.

Buster · Lucille 2:Is this another one of those nights where nothing is as it seems and there's no cream pie for dessert? / Holy Toledo, Buster, sometimes I think I'm nothing but a Horn & Hardart to you. / Oh! What happened to innuendo? / Let's do it quick. / It's an old restaurant. / Oh! A restaurant! / I don't care if it's old! Look who I'm dating! Let's go there. Let's go there now.

Lucille 2 · Buster:Buster, you can either be a son or a lover… and right now, you're no good to me as a lover. / Maybe you're right. Maybe this has been wrong from the start. / So… Mom. / Out.

Buster:This is my Motherboy Four medal. That's when I was a kangaroo in her pouch. What'll you give me for it?

Buster · Army Recruiters:As it turned out, Buster returned on the very day the Army policy regarding sexual orientation had changed. / Are you gay? / No. / You can tell me. / I'm not. / It's okay. / Drew, tell him. / I'm gay. / Oh. / Peter's gay. / Oh… / Sergeant Melnick's gay. / Oh. / Bi. / Oh, sorry, he's bi. / No, I'm going home for the day. / I'm gay. / Yeah, it really makes no difference to us. / We'll find something for you.

Buster · Army Recruiter · Drew · Peter · Sergeant Melnick:Army recruiting scene: 'Are you gay?' / 'No.' / 'You can tell me.' / 'I'm not.' / 'It's okay.' / 'Drew, tell him.' / 'I'm gay.' / 'Peter's gay.' / 'Sergeant Melnick's gay.' / 'Bi.' / 'Sorry, he's bi.' / 'No, I'm going home for the day.' / 'I'm gay.' — all regarding the policy change

Lucille · Army Officer:Who did Larry Kert replace in Company? / I don't know. / I know who he thought he was replacing, and it was Dean Jones. But he didn't come close.

Army Officer · Lucille:Mrs. Bluth, your son went down while piloting a plane over Afghanistan. / Oh, my God… / He deserves a big hand for that and we gave him one.

Buster · Narrator:Oh, yeah, that plane was in Afghanistan. / It seems the Army had taken advantage of Buster's childlike interest in games… and his childlike inability to distinguish between games and reality.

Buster:This is so much more fun than 'Guess the Fur.'

Army Officer:I tell you, this kid's amazing. If I had him back in the '60s, Cuba would be the 51st state.

Buster · Narrator:You're not gonna get away from me, little nurse! Aah! He had been playing for 47 straight hours.

Buster:Take that, Taliban wedding!

Army Officer · Buster:Hey, Bluth, you just took out an art museum in Madrid. / Oh, you can go to Spain in this thing?

Army Officer · Buster:Maybe you should take a break. You could've hurt some innocent people. / Innocent people?! You mean I've been hurting guilty people?!

Narrator:It was the first known injury to a drone pilot and the Army took it seriously. / Apparently, no one told him that they were real planes.

Army Officers:If this guy comes after us, they could pull funding for the whole program. So how do we buy off ol' One Arm? / Well, we do have the bionics program. / Ice cream. / Maybe we shouldn't be discussing this here.

Lucille · Buster:So you fell out of a chair, and for this, the government gives you applause? / No… a big hand.

Lucille:I thought I recognized that little son of a bitch. / This is why you can't keep a job at one hospital!

Lucille · Buster · Army Officer:Why does it have to be so big? / Well, they said the miniaturization comes later. / I mean, you remember how big your first cell phone was. / That was a phone. This looks like you're pointing to a place that buys your gold.

Lucille:You need to grow up, Buster, because I can't take care of you anymore. I need to 'get away-get away.' You're hopelessly hopeless, Buster. It's as if they wrote that song for my own son.

Lucille · Buster:Once you learn how to use that thing, they're going to turn you into a killing monster. / Monster…? / This doesn't make me look sexy. / Throw it out.

Narrator:Well, that explains the photo shoot. / And so Buster began a rehab program he was terrified to succeed at.

Buster · Rehab Staff:Bionic arm rehab sequence — 'Too hard.' / 'Oh, I got some on you.' / 'Yeah, you did get some on me.' / 'That's on her.' / 'It was too hard, as well.'

Buster · Therapist:Physical therapy: Buster uses new hand, immediately gets 'toothpaste on her' — therapist repeats 'too hard... too hard' multiple times in escalating awkwardness

Buster · Rehab Staff:Let's go ahead and fast-forward through the commercials. / Okay, that's too fa… okay, stop. / Well, there's Jon Cryer. / Stop! That's Jon Cryer! / Well, look at that… we're back at the Progressive Insurance lady. / I'm better off just watching the commercials!

Army Observer · Army Staff:Hope this guy likes the music acts on Saturday Night Live because he's gonna be watching a lot of them. / How many remotes do we have? / That was the only one. / There's seven monitors here… we have one remote.

Buster · Army Staff:Do you have any ice cream? / Maybe it would work with ice cream. / And now he wants ice cream. / He's using us.

Army Staff · Buster · Narrator:I'm sorry, we're running behind with your testing, Buster. We'll just be a few more minutes. / Oh… well…! / And it was then that Gunner learned why it was called the Q-test. / Aren't you the 'cu-test'?

Buster · Army Officers:The Q-test: Buster sees an attractive female therapist through a two-way mirror and the test name is revealed — 'Aren't you the cu-test?'

Army Staff · Buster:Now, he can't see us at all… that's correct? / I know! / Why wouldn't he be able to see us? / Because it's a mirror. / No, it's a window. / Oh, hi.

Narrator · Buster · Army Officer:Buster was being discharged from the Army. / So where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? I have nowhere to live. / You should've thought about that before you let that cat live.

Ophelia Love · Buster:You're a veteran and you have nowhere to go? / Oh, it's not Army's fault. / I'm a monster. / And what makes you think you're a monster? / What do you see when you look at this? / I see a veteran whose hand I'd like to shake. / Not that one.

Buster:Perfect! Wait, you didn't say 'nothing,' did you? / Something. / 'Something.' Got it.

Ophelia Love · Herbert Love:It's like that movie The Blind Side. / I suppose we could use a Blind Side Monster. / Well, we shouldn't call him a monster. / That's why I love you, Ophelia. You've got a heart as big as that Blind Side Monster's hand.

Buster · Bullies · Student:This table is for National Honor Society members only. / Really. / Well, what about these two guys? / Were they invited? / Light drizzle… and thunder. / What?! / See, light drizzle will just annoy you, but see, thunder… will 'F' you up!

Narrator · Undercover Cop:Buster even received a badge from an undercover cop that was posing as a teacher. / You're never too old to stand up to a bully. Whether he's an attention hog who looks just like you, or whether he's half your size.

Buster:Pour in the liquor… Don't want the boys to see… You throw in some cola… Got a Coke and Hennessy! Just for you, Mother Love.

Ophelia Love · Buster:But your other hand is waving me on. / Oh, is that going again? / I think it's on demo. / Do you have a pencil or a paper clip?

Herbert Love · Buster:Let me show you what a government handout looks like. / Hold your government hand out. / Yeah! And let's give freedom from government a big thumbs-up!

Herbert Love · Buster:It's like I said about contraception: If you want me to pay for her diaphragm, I get to put my hand in her… / Shoe! / Nice stop, Blind Side Monster. / Buster… Blind Side Buster.

Crowd · Buster:Give him a big hand back! [Buster's bionic arm does something dramatic]

Ophelia Love · Buster:You've been flirting with me since day one. What? Bringing me these flowers, offering to undress me. What about the singing? 'Sealed with a kiss' through the door while I bathed? / Right. / Mother stuff. / I mean, you're married.

Buster:Buster: 'Right. Mother stuff.' — dismissing all his romantic behavior as maternal-bonding activities

Ophelia Love · Buster:That is my husband, with a prostitute. / I've worn a captain's hat with someone who had hair like that.

Ophelia Love:You can either be a son or a lover to me. / And I already have two sons.

Buster · Lucille:I came here to thank you. You were trying to push me out of the nest… and you were right. / Really? / Yes. I've grown. And I'm in love. / Hamster or turtle? / No, Mother. Hamsters are gross. / It's a female. / Human. Female human. Whole thing.

Buster · Lucille:So your parental responsibilities are complete. Hot. / I no longer need you. / Well, you don't have to go that far. / I'm not a mother boy anymore. I'm a mother man.

Buster · Michael:And do you want to hear something so surprising? She started out as my mother figure. / Not surprising.

Buster:After I've zipped down, you can't expect me to zip up! / I know that. / But you have to leave.

Buster:Oh, no, I'm okay with the mothering. I mean, he had you first, I'm here to stay. / It's just a little mother/son bump in the road. / Mother, I ain't going nowhere. / Your hand is broken again. / No, it's just my heart. / Oh, it's my hand, too, actually.

Buster · Ophelia Love:Who is a better lover? / He is. / He is. Okay. / What about son?!

Buster · Ophelia Love:Buster: 'Who is a better lover?' / Ophelia: 'He is.' / Buster: 'He is. Okay.' / Buster: 'What about son?!'

Buster · Narrator:But not before using the wrong hand to punch a picture of Herbert. / Stupid Bust…!

Buster · Tobias:But I've got to find Lucille 2, I've got to give her pictures. / I don't know the songs. / It's prerecorded. / You're a monster, you don't have to be any good. / What? / Now just go Thing your heart out and don't be put off by the freakishly large…

Buster · Lucille 2:Yes. / I've been with a black woman. / I was talking about your hand. / Oh. This huge thing? Yeah, it's new. / Of course, the week after I got it, the six came out. / You can play a flute with that one. / It comes with a flute!

Buster:And he's gotten himself in some pretty hot ham water this time.

Lucille 2:That's my wig.

Buster:Buster: 'That's my wig.' — reacting to seeing the prostitute in Herbert's photo is wearing a wig he apparently recognizes

Buster · Lucille 2:Well, I hurt my mother, didn't I? I missed her trial, and she cut me out of her life. But I'm over that! / Really? / Then you have me to thank for that. / What do you mean? / Oh, Buster, you think missing her trial was an accident?

Narrator:Although 'helped' might not be the best description of what she did. / In fact, she'd been laying in wait for him.

Narrator:And once she'd gotten Buster into the apartment, she eschewed the all-natural juice for the kind with cartoon animals and riddles on the box. The type Buster had been known to have a weakness for.

Narrator · Buster:And soon, the partying was off the hook, with Buster drinking right out of the box. / Oh, this is just like Mother's Day Eve!

Buster:I mean, how do you miss a sign like that? / Oh. / I was tinkling!

Buster · Lucille 2:You kept me from mother? You sent her to prison? And this whole time, I thought about getting back together with you. / Well, you're a little late, honey. I've been dating your father for the past couple of weeks.

Buster · Narrator:Hey! I need to punch something! / Even if it is a poor little donkey. / But it wasn't that kind of donkey punch.

Buster · Gene Parmesan:Oh, I need some juice. / Perhaps uno mas, señor, to feed to the fishes?

Gene Parmesan:Gene Parmesan. / This is not my real job.

Narrator:And so he blindsided him and became one.

Buster:Oh, no. / I'm in the movie. / Oh, no.

Buster:Buster, seeing himself on security camera footage of his rampage: 'Oh, no. I'm in the movie. Oh, no.'

George Michael:George Michael: 'Works on everything.' (about the Fakeblock privacy software) — immediately after Buster asks if it works on security cameras

Buster:Have you got one with a case?

Buster · Narrator:Buster goes into action and attempts to Fakeblock the footage. / Oh. / Sounds like it's working.

Narrator:What she did to this boy.

Narrator:Narrator final line: 'What she did to this boy.'