Switch Hitter

I think he'll be pretty impressed, knock on wood. [Michael knocks on what sounds like hollow wood/fake surface]

Ann? Hmm. That'll play well with Sitwell. 'Where's your son?' 'He's out with Ann.' 'Who's Ann?' 'Don't ask me, I'm just the boy's father.'

We know what we're doing. We don't need any help from him. [Clatters] Damn it. This thing got pushed in again.

Say it in my own words, okay? Smart, but not too smart. Let's have a four-syllable max.

They make a mistake once, they shan't make it twice. Oh, here I go!

Don't worry. It has not fallen into the garage. Knock on wood. [Clattering]

Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man. No. Confidence Man Two is my character.

Yes, well, it's for a con man, which I don't think you know anything about. And besides, don't you have school? No. Um- Today is 'Help Your Dad Follow His Dream' day.

The only help we need is from each other. And apparently whatever's in that bottle. Thanks for reminding me. My Teamocil.

[Narrator] In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk band to promote a supplement that promised better unity and teamwork. [Together] Teamocil - Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.

Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband. You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you?

'Sergeant Blank is treating me very blank and it looks like I'll be shipping off to blank in about a blank. I blank you, Mother. Buster.'

I even tried to convince them he's gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son.

Well, you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12. [Narrator] Even once on a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.

Lucille, I'll say it again. You never know what's going to happen in the army. Remember, Lucille? No, I don't.

Get me a vodka, rocks. Mom, it's breakfast. And a piece of toast.

That hairless freak is coming here? None of his hair is real, you know. You mean the guy we're meeting with can't even grow his own hair? Come on!

Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some- Go ahead, Mom. Finish your thought. 'Every time some children's hospital needs funding'?

'Every time some children's hospital needs funding'?

Sorry that my son couldn't be here- Let me guess. Girlfriend. You know, it could be worse. He could wanna marry your mother. [Laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. Is your family not laughing at that yet?

You know, Sudden Valley conjures up the image of a sinkhole, no? I told that to Dad. I told that to my dad. I'm thinking- Paradise Gardens. [Wind Whistling] I swear to God, I have that written-

[Narrator] When George Sr. was in charge, he had a habit of shooting down any idea Michael came up with. And Sudden Valley just sort of implies that something awful could happen all of a sudden. Plus, it's on a hill. What are you taking, stupid pills? Come on.

That's great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we're saying? I mean, come on! Where's your decen- What the hell just fell off your face?

One of this guy's eyebrows fell in the candy beans. I always carry a spare. Well, I hope you also carry a spare bowl of candy beans.

Pretty good? It was horrible. What are you taking, stupid pills again? [Narrator] But their old dynamic returned when George Sr. did.

[Narrator] While Stan Sitwell used the game to raise funds for underprivileged children. Oh, I think one of your orphans is heading towards the street. Strike three.

No hair. Hey, we got no hair.

I'm sorry. I must've put it on too high.

You got gumption. You speak your mind. That means you're good enough to work for me. [Bleeps] you. And I accepted.

It's ready, Mike. They're only gonna hold it for 24 hours.

Wait. You can't do a U-turn on your dream. I say, we get you on the lot and get the Fünke name out there. Start talking you up around the watercoolers.

What do you think of when you hear the words, 'Sudden Valley'? Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don't wanna eat it. Right. But 'Paradise Gardens.' Yeah. Okay. I can see marinating a chicken in that.

[Narrator] We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

Plus, I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year. I can't very well pull her off the roster. Let's make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her... as a backup.

Maybe-Maybe now I'll get a kiss. Okay. Oh. I meant from Ann. Yes, I know. I just want to get in there first.

Oh. I meant from Ann.

[Narrator] Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil- a sense of camaraderie. Count me in, Michael. Happy to help the team.

Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.

Well, I just- Hey. Come on. I really want you to be over at Sitwell.

Croc! No, sorry. Wait. Log. Just a log. No, wait. Sorry. Croc!

I prefer an older man. Hey, I'm free after the show. I said older, Bob, not dead.

That Fünke is some kind of something. Boy, this Fünke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Fünke is. Overrated.

No. I'm just sitting behind someone else's desk pretending these are my kids.

Before gym-lunch... with Jim... Carrey. It's the Grinch guy. You're too young.

You'd be amazed how fast they come out when you read them all in a row. 'Thirty-one, bamboo floor upgrades. Cheaper, stronger.' I can't read this word. 'Thirty-two, wireless 'crapability.''

[Narrator] And it ended as badly as any game of catch could end.

White power! Better yet, maybe we can play ball on Saturday.

[Narrator] Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? To curb your sex drive. That's right. What team are you talking about?

Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? To curb your sex drive. That's right. What team are you talking about?

You know, she's got this low center of gravity. You can't knock her over. Well, I could knock her over. Dad, I'm telling you, you can't. They call her 'The Wall,' you know? Well, that's great. But I could knock her over. I won't, but I could.

Oh, God. That touch. Oh, how could I forget? Pat? Lucille. I could never forget that touch.

Maybe if you... go downtown. [Exhales] Oh, I haven't done that in 30 years.

What's your name? Tobias. He's too short. Give it to the guard.

You're the Fünke everyone's talking about? What are you, like, 15? Marry me. [Chuckles] Everyone thinks I look young too.

Yeah. Go young. Young Guy and the Sea. Big spring-breaker. Four C.G.I. The fish. Let's fast-track this one.

Listen to me. Brand new cars don't get waxed!

After that list of ideas you gave me, I don't care if you blow the whole season. Come here, you.

Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron. Dad? He made the call. You're out. What are you doing? Shush, shush, shush. Dad?

I'm proud of you. Really? Yeah. See ya.

Or not. I think hallucination is one of the side-effects of Teamocil. [Narrator] It isn't.

[Whistling Through Teeth] I miss him so much.

Andy Richter! Here are those head shots I was telling you about. Yeah. I gotta go. It's Tobias Fünke. I told you about the head shots?

I just wanted to thank you for my new job. [Giggles] What's wrong? I'm shipping out tomorrow.

Oh. I haven't felt hands like that in years. You are coming to the front.