Switch Hitter

Michael:Let him see he's not the only one who builds solid houses, you know?

Michael · Narrator:I think he'll be pretty impressed, knock on wood. [wood collapses/clatters]

Michael:The repeated 'knock on wood' callback — Michael says it again and something falls again

Gob · Michael:Ann? Hmm. That'll play well with Sitwell. 'Where's your son?' 'He's out with Ann.' 'Who's Ann?' 'Don't ask me, I'm just the boy's father.'

Michael Bluth · Gob Bluth:[Clatters] 'Damn it. This thing got pushed in again.' / 'Gonna need a butter knife.'

Gob:George Michael's got these powerful little fingers. He should be here.

Buster · Michael:He said he would help me on this essay for The Old Man and the Sea... You have to read this, and then explain it, and — this is important — say it in my own words. Smart, but not too smart. Let's have a four-syllable max.

Tobias:Oh, here I go! Don't worry. It has not fallen into the garage. Knock on wood. [loud clattering]

Tobias · Maeby:'Confidence Man Two.' 'Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man.' 'No. Confidence Man Two is my character.'

Tobias · Maeby:And besides, don't you have school? No. Um — [chuckles] — Today is 'Help Your Dad Follow His Dream' day.

Tobias:Great. We can take the carpool lane.

Michael · Gob:The only help we need is from each other. — And apparently whatever's in that bottle.

Tobias · Narrator · Lindsay:Teamocil: the Tobias folk band supplement flashback — 'Teamocil may decrease your sex drive.' 'Good job, buddy.' 'Thanks, friend.'

Lindsay · Michael:Since I've been taking this again, I've been getting along great with my husband. — You're taking it for the side effect, aren't you?

Lucille:I even tried to convince them he's gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son.

Michael · Narrator:Well, you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12. [Narrator:] Even once on a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.

Lucille · Michael:Get me a vodka, rocks. — Mom, it's breakfast. — And a piece of toast.

Lucille · Gob:That hairless freak is coming here? None of his hair is real, you know. — You mean the guy we're meeting with can't even grow his own hair? Come on!

Michael:It's called alopecia, and I'd appreciate it if we could all be sensitive to it, okay?

Lucille · Michael:Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some— Go ahead, Mom. Finish your thought. 'Every time some children's hospital needs funding'?

Lucille:Nonetheless, we could get a giant checkbook too. We're just not that starved for attention.

Michael · Sitwell:Sorry that my son couldn't be here — Let me guess. Girlfriend. — You know, it could be worse. He could wanna marry your mother. [laughs] — Oh, I'm sorry. Is your family not laughing at that yet?

Sitwell · Michael:You know, Sudden Valley conjures up the image of a sinkhole, no? — I told that to Dad. — I'm thinking — Paradise Gardens. [wind whistles] — I swear to God, I have that written—

Michael · George Sr. · Narrator:Sudden Valley just sort of implies that something awful could happen all of a sudden. — Plus, it's on a hill. — What are you taking, stupid pills? Come on. Save us some money.

Sitwell · Gob:The only thing I ask is out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city. — That's great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we're saying? I mean, come on! Where's your decen—

Gob · Narrator · Sitwell:What the hell just fell off your face? — One of this guy's eyebrows fell in the candy beans. — I always carry a spare.

Gob:Well, I hope you also carry a spare bowl of candy beans.

George Sr.:Pretty good? It was horrible. What are you taking, stupid pills again?

Narrator · George Sr. · Sitwell:While Stan Sitwell used the game to raise funds for underprivileged children. — Oh, I think one of your orphans is heading towards the street. — Strike three.

Sitwell · Gob:But you were right. It was a bad offer and you were smart enough not to take it. You got gumption. You speak your mind. That means you're good enough to work for me. — [bleep] you. — And I accepted.

Gob:We're gonna swing by his wigmaker. His 'just woke up' hair is finally ready.

Tobias:Well, here we are and home we go, with plenty of time to get you to English class.

Tobias · Maeby:[At the studio gate] — Damn it! — Dad, you're auditioning for the part of a confidence man. Let's try a little confidence.

Tobias Fünke · Maeby Fünke:Tobias says he's intimidated — 'behind these walls are the biggest stars in the world. America's treasures.' Cut to: Carl Weathers in the studio, clearly not an 'America's treasure' in the same league Tobias imagines.

Tobias · Actor · Maeby:You say confidence man? Hey, I'm up for that part too. — Oh. — Good luck to you. — Good luck to you too.

Michael · George Michael:What do you think of when you hear the words 'Sudden Valley'? — Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don't wanna eat it. — Right. But 'Paradise Gardens.' — Yeah. Okay. I can see marinating a chicken in that.

Gob Bluth · Narrator:Narrator: The league requirement for female players was 'difficult to meet given Gob's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.' Cut to Gob hitting on female players from opposing team during the game itself.

Narrator:We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

George Michael:Well, you know who would be great and not at all litigious is Ann.

George Michael · Michael:'Cause you know this game is kind of our thing. But Ann's amazing. You know, she could play my position. — You should be playing the field... there, in right, you know?

Michael:I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year. I can't very well pull her off the roster. — Let's make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her... as a backup.

George Michael · Michael:Maybe — Maybe now I'll get a kiss. — Okay. — Oh. I meant from Ann. — Yes, I know. I just want to get in there first. [quietly] Okay.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay, wake up. I need you to play on the softball team. — [Narrator:] Lindsay felt the intended effect of Teamocil — a sense of camaraderie. — Count me in, Michael. Happy to help the team.

Gob:Yeah, I don't think things are gonna work out with Sitwell. I mean, we picked up his sleepy-head wig, everything was cool. Next thing I know, he's asking me for a bunch of work ideas. So, I thought I'd just quit and go back to being president here.

Gob:Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.

Gob:I just want the office and my stuffs and title.

Michael · Gob:What about if I help you with your work over at Sitwell? — You'd do that? — Sure. You really want me to succeed at Sitwell. — Well, I just — Hey. Come on. I really want you to be over at Sitwell.

Oscar · Lucille:I feel that we've not brought something up that might be a solution — um — to spare my feelings. — Send you in his place? I called. They don't want you back.

Oscar · Narrator:[Vietnam flashback] Croc! No, sorry. Wait. Log. Just a log. No, wait. Sorry. Croc! — Oscar served as a croc spotter on a Swift boat.

Young Lucille · Bob Hope:[Young Lucille] I prefer an older man. — [Bob Hope] Hey, I'm free after the show. — I said older, Bob, not dead.

Tobias · Narrator:That Fünke is some kind of something. — Boy, this Fünke is all anybody's ever talking about. — So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Fünke is. — Overrated. I'll just move — I'm sorry. — Okay. We're okay.

Maeby · Film Executive:Sorry, is this your office? — No. I'm just sitting behind someone else's desk pretending these are my kids.

Maeby · Reader:Can you get Jude Law in here for a meeting? — Oh, I'm just a reader. — A reader? — Yeah. — I need a report by tomorrow. Before gym-lunch... with Jim... Carrey.

Reader:It's the Grinch guy. You're too young.

Gob · Michael:So get this. Sitwell loved my ideas. — Well, my ideas and I knew it. That's great. — You know, Dad never complimented any of those. — Here's the thing. I need more. — There were 34 proposals in there.

Gob:You'd be amazed how fast they come out when you read them all in a row. 'Thirty-one, bamboo floor upgrades. Cheaper, stronger.' I can't read this word. 'Thirty-two, wireless crapability.' That one explains itself.

Narrator · Gob · George Sr.:[Narrator] Gob's own father had only once played catch with him. And it ended as badly as any game of catch could end.

George Sr. · Sitwell:White power! — Better yet, maybe we can play ball on Saturday.

Narrator · Gob:[Narrator] Gob was both angry... and overwhelmed... by the approval from this new father figure. It was confusing.

Gob · George Sr. · Narrator:[Softball flashback] Gob especially gifted at sacrificing his body — Play's at second! Play's at second! — Yeah! Suck on that, Sitwell! — Your Tweety Bird dance just cost us a run, you moron.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay, did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding. — My foot is bleeding. — [Narrator] Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.

Michael · Lindsay · Narrator:You're gonna be able to play on our team, right? — Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil? — To curb your sex drive. — That's right. What team are you talking about? — [Narrator] It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Michael · George Michael:Okay. Looks like I'm gonna need that female backup player after all. — And Ann's really good at softball, huh? — Yeah. She's amazing. You know, she's got this low center of gravity. You can't knock her over. — Well, I could knock her over. — Dad, I'm telling you, you can't. — They call her 'The Wall,' you know? — Well, that's great. But I could knock her over. I won't, but I could.

Lucille · General Anderson:Is there anything I can do? — Maybe if you... go downtown.

Lucille:[Exhales] Oh, I haven't done that in 30 years.

General Anderson · Lucille:You make me want to puke, Bluth! [giggling]

Narrator · Buster:[Narrator] And so, Buster was pulled out of combat training and put into U.S.O. training.

Buster:It jolts, but it's not really doing it right now.

Gob:Nobody makes a fool of our family without my help.

Casting Director · Tobias:What's your name? — Tobias. — He's too short. Give it to the guard.

Tobias:Oh, I'm not. I — on camera, I seem much taller.

Film Executive · Maeby:You're the Fünke everyone's talking about? What are you, like, 15? — Marry me. [chuckles] — Everyone thinks I look young too.

Maeby · Film Executive:Jude Law. Why do you ask? — Yeah. Go young. Young Guy and the Sea. Big spring-breaker. Four C.G.I. the fish. Let's fast-track this one.

Maeby · Film Executive:It's all waxed up. / All waxed up? What do you mean? / I need something. A job for my dad. / Yeah, yeah. Sure. Okay. / Listen to me. Brand new cars don't get waxed!

Narrator:[Narrator] And that's when Maeby realized she had become a successful film executive.

Maeby · Film Executive:It's all waxed up. — All waxed up? What do you mean? — I need something. A job for my dad. — Yeah, yeah. Sure. Okay. — Listen to me. Brand new cars don't get waxed!

Narrator · Ann:Spin, spin, spin. — [Narrator] Ann wasn't as amazing as George Michael led his father to believe.

Sitwell · Gob:Time out. — Gob, are you okay? — Yeah, just can't hit today. Guess you're really disappointed in me. — Hey. Everybody has days like this. It's only a game. — After that list of ideas you gave me, I don't care if you blow the whole season. — Come here, you.

Narrator:[Narrator] And Gob finally felt that someone believed in him. Even though they weren't his ideas. And he decided to make Sitwell proud.

Michael · George Michael · Narrator · Gob:You better pull an ankle or something. — Come on, George Michael! Get that ball in there! — [Narrator] Then he went headfirst into The Wall. — I'm safe. — You're out! — Out? I was safe! I'm safe!

Gob · Umpire:I'm safe. / You're out! / Out? I was safe! I'm safe!

George Sr. · Michael · Gob:Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron. — Dad? — He made the call. You're out. What are you doing? — Shush, shush, shush. — Dad? — He's safe. — What the hell are you doing here? — I'm taking care of what you screwed up. You blew it again, Michael.

George Sr. · Michael:Stop with the Tweety Bird dance, you moron. / Dad?

Michael · George Sr.:I even stooped to cheat here at a softball game. — You've been talking to each other. How come nobody called me?

Michael Bluth · George Bluth Sr.:Michael confronts his father: 'I even stooped to cheat here at a softball game.' George Sr.: 'You've been talking to each other. How come nobody called me?'

Gob · Michael:Yeah, and Stan Sitwell liked my ideas. He really believed in me. — My ideas. — Well.

George Sr. · Michael:I'm proud of you. — Really? — Yeah. See ya.

Gob · Michael · Narrator:Michael, I could've sworn I just saw Dad. — Or not. I think hallucination is one of the side-effects of Teamocil. — [Narrator] It isn't.

Gob · Michael:Sorry I didn't blow the game. — No. You did the right thing... and you finally got Dad to one of your ball games. — Screw him. — Yeah. [whistling through teeth] I miss him so much.

Film Executive · Andy Richter · Tobias · Maeby:[On the Next Arrested Development] Maeby gets her father a job. — I gotta fire one of ya. Andy Richter! Here are those head shots I was telling you about. — Yeah. I gotta go. — It's Tobias Fünke. I told you about the head shots?

Buster · General Anderson:[Buster visits the general] I just wanted to thank you for my new job. [giggles] — What's wrong? — I'm shipping out tomorrow. — I've got just the thing. — Oh. I haven't felt hands like that in years. — You are coming to the front.