The Checks

Jerry:So now we have medication for the well. That's what these preventive indigestion drugs are. Medication for the well. I mean, think about it. You're not sick. You feel fine. But you take this pill just in case you might get indigestion later. It's medication for the well.

Jerry:You ever notice how we treat everyday situations like they're material? Like, 'Oh, that's a good bit!'

George:Yeah, well some of us are actually living our lives instead of narrating them for an audience that doesn't exist.

Jerry:An audience that doesn't exist? George, I have a career.

George:Exactly. You're so busy mining your life for jokes, you're not actually experiencing it. You're like a human laugh track.

George:Not sit in a Farbman? What are we, animals? We're supposed to sit! Sitting is what separates us from the apes. If we don't sit, what's the point of being human?

Elaine:Brett, hello? Brett?

Brett:♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Jerry:He cried at 'Desperado'? What does that tell you about a guy? I'll tell you what it tells you — it tells you he's a weeper. He's a crier. That's not a good quality in a man!

Jerry:I don't understand what you see in this guy.

Elaine:What do you mean? He's great!

Jerry:Great? The man has no ambition, no sense of humor...

Elaine:Oh, so what are you saying - 'She Drives Me Crazy'?

Jerry:Exactly!

Elaine:Well, maybe you're the one who's crazy. Ever think of that?

George:You invented umbrella twirling? What, you think you're the first person to spin an umbrella? My father was doing that in 1952!

Elaine:So you're saying Jerry came in here and bought an umbrella?

Umbrella Salesman:Yeah, that's right. He said it was for a friend.

Elaine:He said that?

Jerry:Okay, okay, can we not do this right now? This is not the time or the place.

Elaine:I'm just asking about the umbrella, Jerry.

Jerry:I know what you're asking, and the answer is it's complicated.

Jerry:No, no, no. Teddy Padilac invented the twirl. I'm telling you.

Other:That's not true.

Jerry:Yes it is! He did it first!

Jerry:No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong. You gotta get your wrist up higher. See, the key to a good twirl is all in the wrist.

Jerry:I invented this move. I know what I'm talking about.

Jerry:You know what I hate? When you're at a coffee shop and someone takes your umbrella by mistake. So I started doing the same thing. I figure, it evens out. I steal their umbrella, they steal mine, we're even. It's like a cosmic balance.

George:Jerry, you can't just take the umbrella from the coffee shop.

Jerry:Why not? They have a whole bucket of them.

George:Because it's not yours. You don't take things that don't belong to you.

Jerry:I'm getting these royalty checks from a Japanese TV show. Twelve cents. Nineteen cents. Last week I got a check for three cents.

Jerry:Three cents! Do you know what that means? Somebody in Japan watched me, and they thought I was worth three cents.

Kramer:Yeah, but you dated her too.

Kramer:These carpet cleaners, they're like a cult. They get in your apartment, they never leave.

George:What are you talking about? They cleaned my carpet and they left.

Kramer:Yeah, but they'll be back. They always come back.

George:So what? Let them come back. At least someone's coming to my apartment.

Kramer:Yeah, that's right. You see, in Japan, they don't know who Jerry is. They just see 'the funny face' in the credits and they go crazy for it.

Kramer:Yeah, I'm telling people you're a comedian.

Jerry:What do you mean you're telling people I'm a comedian?

Kramer:Well, I went down to the coffee shop, I told some tourists you were a comedian.

Jerry:Why would you do that?

Kramer:To build up your credentials! I said, 'That's Jerry, he's a comedian. He does a bit about airline food.'

Jerry:Well, that's nice of you, but you can't just go around telling people I'm a comedian.

Kramer:Why not? You are a comedian.

Jerry:I know, but the way you're saying it makes it sound like people make jokes ABOUT me, not that I tell jokes.

George Costanza:So what's this all about? You're not going to try to recruit me into some kind of cult, are you?

Carpet Cleaner:Cult? No, no. I just need you to sign here.

George Costanza:Oh, okay, good.

Carpet Cleaner:Oh, one more thing...

George Costanza:Here it comes.

Carpet Cleaner:I need your initial right here.

George:You know, I've been thinking about joining a group. You know, some kind of organization where they tell you what to do, what to think, what to wear...

George:I'd be willing to give up my possessions, change my name, move to a compound...

George:I'm very open-minded about the whole thing. Very open-minded.

Kramer:What's with your hand?

Jerry:I don't know, it just froze like this. I think I have a condition.

Kramer:A condition? What kind of condition?

Jerry:I call it The Karate Kid.

Brett:You need a desk. You're a writer. Writers have desks.

Jerry:I'm not writing skits. I'm writing material.

Brett:Well, you know, I think what it is is that you're afraid. You're afraid that if you sit down and actually try to write something, that it might not be good. And that would be very difficult for you to face. So instead, you just tell people that you don't write.

Jerry:No, I just don't write.

Brett:That's what I'm saying.

Kramer:Giddy up!

Japanese Salesman:You are now cowboy.

Elaine:Wait, I have something to tell you—

Brett:Shh! Shh! 'Desperado' is on!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're upset that the carpet cleaners didn't try to recruit you into their carpet cleaning cabal?

Jerry:You're too smart to brainwash.

George:No, I'd be too dumb. You can't brainwash somebody who's already a little soft in the head.

George:You know what the problem is? You're thinking about this all wrong. In Japan, you'd be like an orange.

Jerry:An orange?

George:Yeah, you know how exotic oranges are in Japan? They're like a delicacy. They wrap 'em up in tissue paper, put 'em in a box... They're beautiful. You'd be like that. You'd be the orange.

Jerry:He's my butler! You can't just date my butler!

George:Well, you see, in America we have this thing called 'the bit.' And the bit is that you take an absurd premise and you just run with it. So the humor comes from the fact that it's so ridiculous that nobody would ever actually do this in real life. But because we're doing it, it becomes funny. That's the whole structure of American comedy.

George:It's like a fruit. It's a kiwi. And a papaya had a baby. And that baby, when it grew up, it had a little fling with a mango. That mango left. Now it's with a grapefruit. The grapefruit leaves. Now it's back with the papaya. But it's not the same papaya!

Jerry:So what, he shushes you during the song?

Elaine:Yes!

Jerry:What kind of a guy shushes someone during a song?

Elaine:I love that song 'Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now'.

Jerry:It's 'Beau Sides Now' - it's about a guy named Beau.

Jerry:Wait, they're sleeping in the dresser? Like, in the drawers?

Kramer:Yeah, they seem very comfortable.

Jerry:Kramer! You can't have people sleeping in your furniture! What if they get stuck? What if there's a fire?

Jerry:So they sleep in drawers? That's actually kind of genius. I mean, think about it - we could solve the Middle East crisis. Just put all the world leaders in filing cabinets. Nobody can start a war if they're stuck in a drawer.

Kramer:Rice Krispies, the breakfast of champions! You got your snap, crackle, pop - that's Japanese efficiency right there. Snap! Crackle! Pop! It's like a Shinto shrine in a bowl.

Brett:No way! That's my song. I can't share 'Desperado.' That song means everything to me.

Teddy:You abandoned me during the poncho crisis!

Jerry:How much for the umbrella?

Teddy:That'll be $200.

Jerry:$200? For an umbrella?

Teddy:Well, you were a fair-weather friend to me. Now you can be a fair-weather customer.

George:What am I, not good enough for them? I'm insulted! They come to my apartment, they see my whole life, and they don't even try to recruit me? What, I'm not cult material?

Jerry:My hand is crippled! I can't feel my fingers anymore. I've signed so many tiny checks, my hand has completely seized up. I'm like a claw. A useless claw. I can't even hold a pen now.

Elaine:boogity man

Brett:It's 'boogeyman,' not 'boogity man.'

George:So what did she think? Did she seem interested?

Jerry:George, they just bought your show.

George:I know, but did she think I was attractive?

Kramer:Hey, Giddy-up!

Jerry:I would help you, Mr. Tanaka, but I've got a little carpal tunnel thing going on.

Jerry:I'm going to have to destroy this drawer.

Brett:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's a $6,000 Italian bedroom set!

Jerry:There's a man trapped in here.

Brett:I don't care! You can't just destroy it!

George:Wait, wait, wait. They recruited Mr. Wilhelm? The carpet cleaning cult recruited Mr. Wilhelm and not me? What is he, some kind of carpet cleaning genius? I've been going to that dry cleaner for years!

George:This is unbelievable. I'm funny, I'm charming, I've got material. And they want Wilhelm? Wilhelm doesn't even talk!

George:You know what? I'm going to go down there right now and demand they recruit me. If they want Wilhelm, they can have Wilhelm, but they're going to have to take me too.

George Costanza:Mr. Wilhelm, you've been brainwashed. We need to deprogram you.

Mr. Wilhelm:I don't know what you're talking about.

George Costanza:Just trust me. We're going to get you back to normal.

Mr. Wilhelm:But I don't want to go back. I'm happy now. I'm going by Wilhelmina, and I've never felt better.

Brett:I'm sorry about the accident with the axe.

Other Character:You hit me with an axe?

Brett:Just the handle.

Elaine:Oh my God, Brett! Are you okay?!

Brett:Rocking the cradle of love... Rocking the cradle of love...

Elaine:He's delirious! We need to call an ambulance!

Brett:She's a witch of the night... Rocking the cradle of love...

Elaine:Wait... is that 'Witchy Woman'?

Brett:Rocking the cradle of love...

Mr. Oh · Kramer:Mr. Oh from inside the drawer: 'Ugh. Come back in half-hour.' (like a hotel guest refusing housekeeping)

Teddy Padilac · Jerry · Umbrella Salesman ('Clicky'):Teddy Padilac appears at the umbrella stand and immediately antagonizes Jerry about the twirl

Teddy Padilac:Teddy Padilac: 'Where were you during the poncho craze of '84? I almost lost my house.'

Teddy Padilac:'Now we got that damn urban sombrero to contend with.'

Teddy Padilac:Teddy charges Jerry $200 for an umbrella: 'Special price for a real foul-weather friend.'

George · Kramer:George tells Kramer the field is tarped (rained out) as Kramer tries to run Japanese tourists around the bases

George · Wilhelm:George Steinbrenner's lackey/Wilhelm being recruited by the carpet cult while George complains they didn't recruit him

Brett · Jerry:Brett encounters wet Jerry on the street: 'Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?' / Jerry: 'I didn't have enough money.'

Brett · Jerry:Brett offers to pay for the ruined checks: '12 cents?' / Jerry: 'It's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing.'

Brett · Jerry:Brett: 'Nothing's working for you, is it?' / Jerry: 'Not at the moment, Brett.' / Brett: 'I'd give you a ride, but I've got Karl Farbman here.'

Brett:Brett: 'Sure things will pick up for you soon.' (in the rain, to soggy Jerry)

George:George reveals to Kramer: 'NBC — Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.'

George:George, about the Japanese network executive: 'By the way... what did you think of Miss Yoshimura? You think she liked me?'

Kramer:Kramer bursting in: 'Come on in, fat boy!' (to George Steinbrenner, presumably)

George · Kramer:George is trying to run the meeting but the Japanese tourists are hungover from sake in the hot tub — Kramer set their alarm but they slept through it

Jerry · Japanese guests · Elaine · Brett:The drawers are stuck from hot tub steam warping the wood — the Japanese guests are trapped inside the Farbman chest

Jerry:Jerry: 'My hand's had kind of a bad week.' — to trapped Japanese businessmen.

Jerry:Jerry: 'My hand's had kind of a bad week.' (while trying to pull the stuck drawer open with his crippled hand)

Mr. Yamaguchi:Mr. Yamaguchi from inside the drawer: 'Very funny. But no joking, please.'

Brett · Elaine:Brett and Elaine arrive to rescue Jerry. Brett decides to take an axe to the Farbman — Elaine tries to stop him: 'It's not as nice as Kramer's cabinets, but it's a start.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Not the Farbman!'

Carpet Cleaner · Yankees Executive:The Yankees carpet cleaner is revealed to have been sent by Jerry Seinfeld's coffee stain — a serendipitous cult connection

George · Wilhelm:George confronts brainwashed Wilhelm; Wilhelm: 'My name is Tanya.'

George:George: 'What's he got that I don't have?!' (screaming about Wilhelm being brainwashed while he wasn't)

Elaine · Brett:Elaine apologizes for hitting Brett in the head 'with an axe. At least it was just the handle.'

Brett:Elaine tries to calm Brett and comfort him; he can't remember Farbman's name: 'What am I gonna tell...? I can't remember his name. Fleckman?'

Brett · Elaine:Brett, concussed, hears 'Desperado' and immediately goes into his trance — even post-brain-injury

Paramedic · Elaine:The paramedic treating Brett suddenly stands up, turns, and says 'Doctor?' in a cult-like way

Paramedic · Brett · Elaine:Second paramedic: 'Doctor, I think we're losing him.' — while 'Desperado' plays and Brett is in his trance; then ♪ She got the moon in her eye ♪