The Fatigues

Jerry:You know, I think everyone needs a mentor. Someone to guide you, show you the ropes.

Jerry:Mine? That's easy. Chick Hearn. The Lakers announcer from the '70s. Greatest mentor a guy could have.

Jerry:I learned everything from him. How to dress, how to talk, how to live life to the fullest.

Jerry:So you're not gonna pick up my laundry and dry cleaning?

Abby:Pick up your laundry? I'm your protégé!

George:Risk management? Sure, I'm an expert in risk management.

Jerry:You know risk management?

George:No, but I'll figure it out. How hard can it be? I'll just talk about avoiding risks, minimizing exposure...

Jerry:George, you can't just make this up.

George:Why not? I made up the job on my résumé. This is no different.

George:I tried to read a book the other day. Just sit down, you know, relax with a book.

George:But I couldn't do it. I couldn't concentrate.

George:You know why? Audiobooks. I've been listening to audiobooks, and now when I try to read, I hear my own voice in my head.

George:And I hate my own voice! I can't stand listening to myself read!

George:This is what audiobooks have done to me. They've ruined me for regular reading. I'm spoiled.

Kramer:You going to Bob Sacamano's party?

Jerry:Bob Sacamano's having a party?

Kramer:Yeah, this Saturday.

Jerry:When did he invite you?

Kramer:1987.

Kramer:I'm not doing it.

Kramer:Oh, look at you! You're like a regular Socrates over here!

Elaine:Eddie, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but we're going to have to let you go.

Eddie:What? Why?

Elaine:Well, it's just not working out. We think it's best if you move on.

Eddie:I can't believe this.

Elaine:I know, I know. Look, I feel terrible about this. You're a great guy, but... actually, you know what? Forget everything I just said. We'd like to promote you to senior vice president.

Elaine:No experience? Elaine, he's writing copy for a major catalog. This is a big opportunity.

Elaine:Big opportunity? Have you *seen* our catalog? 'Comfortable polyester slacks for the man who's given up'? 'Khakis so bland they'll make you question your will to live'?

Elaine:I mean, it's not like we're selling luxury items here. It's not like Eddie could *make it worse*.

Kramer:So you guys are coming to the Jewish singles night tonight, right?

Jerry:Kramer, we're not Jewish.

Abby:Yeah, what are you talking about?

Kramer:What do you mean you're not Jewish? Of course you're Jewish!

Jerry:No, Kramer, I'm not Jewish.

Abby:Neither am I.

Kramer:Well, I'm running the whole thing.

Jerry:Wait, Lomez is running the singles event this year?

Kramer:Yeah, he's very involved with the temple now.

Jerry:Lomez? Since when is he religious?

Kramer:Oh, he's Orthodox. Very Orthodox. Won't even use electricity on Saturday.

Jerry:Lomez is Orthodox? How is he running a singles event?

Jerry:Wait a minute... this is a Catholic organization's hall?

Jerry:An Orthodox Jewish event... in a Catholic hall? What is this, some kind of interfaith situation?

Kramer:You know, I'm selling some of the finest Jewish delicacies. We got the lox, we got the bagels, we got the cream cheese.

Kramer:What about kishke? You ever had kishke?

Jerry:

Jerry:You ever notice how duck skin is exactly like human skin? I mean, if you really think about it, it's got that same texture, that same... glossiness. You're eating something that feels like you're eating a person.

Cynthia:I want you to meet my boyfriend. He's a comedian.

Jerry:Oh yeah? What's his name?

Cynthia:Hal.

Jerry:Hal? Hal the comedian?

Cynthia:Yes.

Jerry:I don't know any Hal.

Jerry:What? That's the name? Oh my God!

Bania:That's a nice duck. That's a nice duck. That's a nice duck.

Blind man:You know, these books on tape, they've ruined Braille for me.

George:I'm gonna go blind. I'm gonna fake it. I'll get the audiobooks, the Braille, the special parking spot...

Jerry:George, you can't fake blindness.

George:Why not? People fake all kinds of things.

Jerry:So what did you have for dinner?

Abby:Chicken.

Jerry:Chicken? What kind of chicken?

Abby:It wasn't just chicken. It was poached chicken.

Jerry:You know what? I think Bania should be someone's protégé. I think that's where he belongs. Not as a mentor, but as a protégé. Some guy should take him under his wing, show him the ropes, maybe teach him how to tie his shoes, how to comb his hair...

Jerry:That's Bania's role in life. He's a protégé. He needs a mentor. Preferably someone with the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon.

Frank:What's with the shirt? You look like a bum.

Kramer:I'm making brisket for 183 people!

Jerry:183 people? Kramer, where are you getting 183 people?

Kramer:It's a whole thing. I got it handled.

Jerry:You can't cook brisket for 183 people!

Kramer:What are you talking about? I make a nice tsimis!

Kramer:Do you know anyone who can cook?

Frank:Cook? What do you mean cook? I don't know any cooks!

Kramer:Come on, Frank, you must know somebody.

Frank:I said I don't know any cooks! Why are you asking me about cooks? What is this, an interrogation?

George:So what, he got shell-shocked in the war. That has nothing to do with why he won't cook!

Eddie:Here's my copy: 'She had the kind of legs that could kill a man. Or at least make him want to kill himself. She was wearing our new spring line.'

Jerry:Yeah, because nothing says 'well-run organization' like a guy who can't find his own office.

Elaine:So I promoted Eddie.

Jerry:You promoted him? To what?

Elaine:Regional Vice President.

Jerry:Why would you do that?

Elaine:To get rid of him! He's moving to Connecticut.

Jerry:Connecticut? What's he gonna do there?

Elaine:I don't know, something with a bayonet.

Eye Doctor:Read the next line.

George:I can't see it.

Eye Doctor:You're going to have to get glasses.

George:Glasses? I don't want to wear glasses.

Eye Doctor:Well, you need them. By the way, your wife must really love you.

George:Why would you say that?

Eye Doctor:Because she's a very patient woman.

Jerry:What happened to my apartment?

Kramer:I installed a second kitchen. You know, for efficiency.

Jerry:A second kitchen? Kramer, there's a stove in my bedroom!

Kramer:Yeah, and a prep station in the bathroom. You're welcome.

Jerry:Why would you do this?

Kramer:Oh no, oh no, oh no! The smoke! The smoke!

Kramer:Fire! There's a fire! Everybody stay calm!

Kramer:I'm making a little something - a little Kramer cuisine!

Kramer:I've got the whole operation set up. I'm using three kitchens now - mine, the Rosens' downstairs, and old Mrs. Cooperman's across the hall.

Jerry:Three kitchens? What are you making, the entire Jewish wedding?

Kramer:I need the space! You can't make proper brisket in one kitchen. The Rosens' oven is better for the matzo ball soup, and Mrs. Cooperman's got that old cast iron that's perfect for the latkes.

Kramer:You want some soup? Come on, eat something. You're so skinny, what's the matter with you? A nice piece of chicken, some matzah ball soup.

Jerry:Kramer, what are you doing?

Kramer:I'm talking to you like a Jewish mother. You need to eat more, you're wasting away!

Jerry:You followed the recipe, right?

Kramer:Well, the recipe called for one egg and I'm making a lot of omelets, so I used a dozen eggs.

Jerry:So you multiplied it?

Kramer:Well, I would've, but I don't have a calculator.

Jerry:These are the worst kreplach I've ever had in my life.

Kramer:Yeah, well, I made them with my feet.

Kramer:I'm in trouble.

Kramer:I can't boil water. I once tried to make pasta and somehow set the kitchen on fire. Not the stove—the kitchen itself.

Kramer:I attempted to fry an egg once. One egg. It took me forty-five minutes and the fire department showed up.

Kramer:I don't know what a colander is. I thought it was a type of calendar.

Kramer:I once made a sandwich and somehow it exploded in the toaster. A sandwich. In a toaster.

Kramer:I'm banned from three diners in this neighborhood. Three! And one of them was just a deli counter.

Kramer:I tried microwaving a potato. Turns out you're not supposed to microwave a potato in its skin. I learned that from the explosion.

Kramer:I once asked if chicken came from chickens. They kicked me out of the restaurant.

Elaine:This elevator smells terrible. What is that?

Kramer:Oh, that's probably my pastrami sandwich. I've been carrying it around all day.

Elaine:All day? Kramer, it smells like something died in here.

Kramer:Well, yeah. That's pastrami.

Frank Costanza:I sent 16 of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys.

Jerry:You know what your problem is? You're a loser. A complete loser. You walk around like you own the place, but you're nothing. You're pathetic. You're a joke. A bad joke. The worst joke. You shouldn't even be allowed to tell jokes. You shouldn't be allowed to talk. You shouldn't be allowed to exist!

Abby:He's a very smart man. He knows what he's doing.

Jerry:Well, he knew what he was doing.

George Costanza:He got promoted again? The guy can't even find the bathroom without a map!

Coworker:I know! I've been here for five years doing everything right, and this guy walks in, does absolutely nothing, and they're making him VP of something.

George Costanza:What's his secret? How does he keep getting away with this?

Coworker:That's just it — there is no secret! That's what's driving me insane! It's like they reward incompetence here. The worse you are, the higher you go!

George Costanza:So you're telling me if I do nothing, I'll eventually run this place?

Coworker:At this point, I wouldn't be surprised!

George:What is this? Oh my God, that's me. That's my voice!

George:I sound like that? I sound like that?

George:That's horrible. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Frank Costanza:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Frank Costanza:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it. You know, back in the war, I was a very dangerous man. Killed twenty men. That's what the Colonel said. 'Costanza, you're a wild man. A loose cannon.' But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing. Those were the days when a man was a man, when you could walk into a diner and order a cup of coffee without somebody trying to ruin your life. The meatloaf special was real then, Jerry. Real.

Frank:I'm telling you, if you use the wrong spices, the whole thing is ruined. It's all about the spices. The spices make the dish.

Frank:I once made a brisket... I used the wrong spices. It was a disaster. A complete disaster.

Frank:You know what my problem was? I used paprika instead of garlic powder.

Frank Costanza:I'm telling you, it was like a war zone in there. My stomach was under siege. I couldn't eat for three days. I thought I was gonna die.

Frank:The men were dropping like flies. Dysentery, typhoid, cholera. I'm standing there with a rifle, I got nothing to shoot at but disease. So I says to the Colonel, I says, 'What do we do?' He says, 'Costanza, we treat 'em like soldiers.' So we gave 'em a funeral. Full military honors. Taps playing, the whole thing. Twenty-three men... twenty-three caskets... all because of the clams.

Frank:Bobby Colby! Ha! I remember Bobby Colby. That bum owed me five bucks. I never got it back. He ate a tuna fish sandwich at Monk's and got food poisoning. It was like a plague of locusts descended upon his intestines. His stomach was turning like a rotisserie chicken. He was sweating through his shirt like a baked potato in a microwave. The man looked like a boiled lobster by the end of the day!

Frank Costanza:Bobby Colby's colon is damaged. He can't fly home without a specific, degrading medical detail about the flight.

Jerry:His act is like a hostage situation. You're trapped there, and he's making demands.

Jerry:Bania's whole thing is Ovaltine. That's his bit. He talks about Ovaltine like it's the funniest thing in the world. 'Ovaltine? The mug is round, the jar is round - they should call it Roundtine!' That's the guy. That's his entire comedic philosophy reduced to one observation about a chocolate drink.

Bania · Jerry:Bania pauses after Jerry's critique — [long pause before asking] You think you can give me a hand with my material?

Elaine:What if we tweak it? You know, make it the complete opposite. Instead of violence, what if it's... gentle? Soothing?

Elaine:Like, a man and a woman in a peaceful meadow, maybe some soft music playing, and they're just... holding hands.

Frank:This omelet is a disaster! It's rubbery, it's cold, and these potatoes are like rubber bullets. I'm not eating this!

Estelle:Oh, so now you're a chef? You want to make it yourself?

Frank:I couldn't make it any worse if I tried! My mother made better omelets and she was blind!

Frank Costanza:My wife, she doesn't know how to cook. She burns everything. I said to her, 'Estelle, you're killing me!' The pot roast, it's like a hockey puck. The chicken, it's dry, it's got no flavor. I'm eating cardboard! You know what? I'd rather eat at a Chinese restaurant. At least they know what they're doing!

Frank Costanza:I'm back, baby! I'm cooking again!

Bania:She dumped me. She actually dumped me. I can't believe she dumped me.

Bania:I'm a loser. I'm a big loser. A real loser.

Bania:Nobody wants me. Nobody. Not a soul wants me.

Jerry:He's got a whole bit about milk. How milk doesn't dissolve in coffee. Then he's got the same bit about milk in tea. Then milk in hot chocolate. Then milk in orange juice—which is just a bad idea to begin with.

Jerry:A crummy commercial? 'Oh, Ovaltine, Oliver!' They call it 'Ovaltine'... why do they call it 'Ovaltine'? The mug is round, the jar is round, they should call it 'Roundtine'!

Bania:That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Elaine:Eddie, this is way too violent. You can't say 'We're going to crush them like bugs.' How about 'We're going to make them as happy as a summer breeze'?

Eddie:A summer breeze? What are you talking about?

Elaine:And instead of 'We'll destroy their defenses,' say 'We'll gently persuade them like a soft whisper.'

Eddie:This is a military campaign, not a day at a spa!

Elaine:Exactly. Now change 'annihilate' to 'tickle with rose petals.'

Jerry:George could be a life coach. 'Here's how to calculate a 15% tip: Take the bill, move the decimal point, and then just... give up. Hand me a twenty.'

Abby:You know what? I'm done. I'm not going to sit here and listen to this. You're a Costanza.

Elaine:So what's the deal with that thing you do with your hands?

Eddie:I don't know what you're talking about.

Elaine:Oh, forget it.

Eddie:You know, my psychotic behavior stems from dating disappointment. I can't find a woman who meets my standards.

Eddie:And she has to be Catholic.

Bania:Jerry, I want to thank you. You really helped me out.

Bania:That's gold, Jerry. Gold!

Kramer:You know, Frank, you've been cooking all day. Why don't you take a break, rest a little?

Frank:Rest? I'm like a phoenix rising from the ashes!

Frank:Except I'm rising from the kitchen!

Frank:No! No eating! You can't eat! Put that down!

Frank:You don't understand what you're doing! This is serious!

Woman:Sir, it's just a cookie.

Frank:A cookie?! Do you know what a cookie leads to? Chaos! Disaster!

George:So I'm up there giving this risk management lecture, right? And I'm using all of Bania's material. I got nothing else!

George:So I say to them, 'Why do they call it a building if it's already built?' I mean, the room goes silent. Nothing.

George:Then I try the jacket bit. 'You ever notice how when you buy a jacket, it's always got those pins in it? What's the deal with that?' Still nothing!

George:So I'm standing there, sweating through my shirt, and I just blurt out, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty!' And the CEO looks at me like I've lost my mind.