The Package

Jerry:You know what I miss? The Bermuda Triangle. Remember that? It was like the biggest thing. Ships would disappear, planes would vanish... now you never hear about it.

Jerry:It's like it just faded away. Like some celebrity that had a big moment and then nobody cared anymore. 'Whatever happened to the Bermuda Triangle?' It's probably doing guest spots on cruise ships now.

Kramer:You know, the Bermuda Triangle gets all the press, but there's other supernatural phenomena out there that deserve coverage too.

Jerry:Like what?

Kramer:Like the bermuda square. It's smaller, but it's just as deadly.

Kramer:You know, the Bermuda Triangle's got a real PR problem. All these ships and planes disappearing, people think it's dangerous. But that's actually great for business! I mean, think about it - people are fascinated by mystery and danger.

Kramer:The problem is, nobody's dying there anymore. We need to get some high-profile disappearances. You know, a celebrity or two goes missing in the Bermuda Triangle, suddenly it's the hottest vacation spot in the world.

Kramer:Bermuda belongs to the British? The British are Krauts!

Elaine:Difficult? I'm not difficult! I'm easy! I'm very easy!

Doctor:It's right here in your chart.

Elaine:Well, maybe I was difficult that one time, but that was because I was sick!

Elaine:I'm not difficult! I just have standards. I know what I want, and there's nothing wrong with that. If a restaurant doesn't have the right ambiance, or the waiter looks at me funny, or my salad has too much dressing, why should I just accept it? I'm a paying customer. I deserve respect. And another thing — just because I've returned a few things doesn't make me difficult. It makes me discerning. Besides, it's not MY fault that most people are lazy and don't care about quality anymore.

Doctor:I'm just going to erase that 'difficult' notation.

Elaine:You can't erase pen.

Elaine:You know, I've been thinking about what you said about the pen.

Jerry:What about it?

Elaine:Well, if a doctor can just cross something out and write over it, how do we know what's really in our medical records? That's malpractice!

Jerry:It's not malpractice, it's just a pen.

Elaine:Just a pen? Jerry, they're altering official documents! That's fraud!

Jerry:What's wrong with your stereo?

Kramer:Oh, well, the left speaker's not working. But that's okay, I don't need it. I just face the right speaker toward my left ear.

Jerry:Why don't you just get it fixed?

Kramer:Well, I would, but I traded the repair guy my coffee table for a cappuccino machine.

Kramer:I can fix that.

Jerry:You can fix it?

Kramer:Yeah, I'll just give it a little percussive maintenance.

Jerry:Percussive maintenance?

Kramer:Yeah, you just gotta hit it in the right spot.

Kramer:*pulls out a hammer and whacks the stereo*

George:She had this thing... this overbite. But not like a normal overbite. It was kind of... sexy.

George:I don't know what it was about it, but I couldn't stop looking at her teeth.

George:She's clearly been looking at his personal photos

Jerry:Well, you are difficult.

Elaine:I'm easy.

George:Oh yeah? How easy are we talking?

Elaine:I am not a... bleep!

Newman:Why won't you accept the package?

Jerry:Because I've never accepted a package before.

Newman:So you're refusing to do something just because you've never done it?

Jerry:Exactly. And I'm going to keep not doing it, so I never will have done it.

George:You know, you're not important enough to be bombed.

Jerry:What?! Not important enough to be bombed? I could be bombed!

George:No, you couldn't.

Jerry:I could too be bombed! I'm important!

George:Who would want to bomb Jerry? The guy tells jokes about airplane peanuts!

George:Yeah, well, it's not actually my car.

George:I was just posing with it for the photo.

George:It belongs to some guy I met in the parking lot.

Jerry:What is this?

George:That's me at the wax museum. I paid extra to stand next to the figure of me.

Jerry:George, that's not a wax figure of you. That's just a wax figure.

George:Well, I'm standing next to it, aren't I? People don't know the difference.

Jerry:George, you look exactly like the wax figure.

George:So?

Jerry:So you paid money to stand next to yourself.

George:I'm gonna go over there and ask her out. Just like that. Direct.

Kramer:That's good, George. I like that. But you know, there's a way to do this. You gotta make it romantic.

George:Romantic? How?

Kramer:Well, you could give her a picture of yourself. A nice eight by ten. Maybe she'll give you one back.

George:That's it? That's romantic?

Kramer:It's a start. You exchange photos. That's intimate. That's how it begins.

Newman:He refused the package.

Leo:He's a re-gifter.

Elaine:You can't change your chart.

George:Why not? I do it all the time at work. It's called job security. If they ever figure out what I'm really doing, I'm finished.

George:You sent out racy photos of yourself?

Elaine:Well, I sent out a lot of photos.

Elaine:It was an accident! I didn't know they were going to use that photo for the Christmas cards.

George:An accident? Elaine, you're on there like you're auditioning for Penthouse!

Elaine:Oh, like you've never had a wardrobe malfunction.

Elaine:Kramer took these pictures for my Christmas card, and there's this one shot where my... my dress sort of... shifts. It's not appropriate for a Christmas card.

Jerry:So don't use that one.

Elaine:But it's the best picture! Kramer got the lighting perfect, my hair looks great... I just need to... edit out the wardrobe situation.

Jerry:You're going to Photoshop your own chest?

Elaine:It's practical! I can use it for other things too. Headshots, LinkedIn profile... I'm not going to waste a perfectly good Kramer photo over a little nip slip.

Elaine:Can't you have a little compassion? I have a spreading rash.

Receptionist:I'm hoping it spreads to others.

Jerry:I can't ask my Uncle Leo to open a suspicious package. What if it explodes? I'm not going to be responsible for blowing up an old man.

Jerry:So Leo opens the oven, right? The cleaner explodes all over him. Burns off every hair on his body. He looks like a dolphin.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't just commit insurance fraud. That's illegal.

Kramer:Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. It's not fraud if you call it a 'business expense.' It's just creative accounting.

Jerry:That's not what creative accounting means.

Kramer:Well, I'm gonna need you to get on board with the synergy here.

Jerry:Do you even know what a write-off is?

Kramer:Yeah, sure, it's... it's when you write off something.

Jerry:Do you know how a write-off works?

Kramer:No. But I know it works, Jerry.

Jerry:A write-off? You don't even know what a write-off is.

Kramer:Do you?

Jerry:No. I don't.

Kramer:But you know the way they do it, Jerry, they just write it off.

Jerry:Write it off! Kramer, didn't you have a tax person?

Kramer:Yeah.

Jerry:Didn't you ask him about it?

Kramer:No.

Jerry:Why not?

Kramer:I didn't want to seem stupid.

Jerry:Oh, well, now I know more than I did before, and I know less than I did before.

Elaine:I've tried every doctor in the phone book. Z is the last letter!

Jerry:What about Dr. Zweig?

Elaine:Zweig? He's not taking patients.

Jerry:Dr. Zizmor?

Elaine:Retired.

Jerry:Dr. Zhivago?

Elaine:Not a real doctor.

Kramer:You're not fat, you're stout. Stout is in.

George:Stout?

Kramer:Yeah, stout. It's a good look. Rubenesque.

Kramer:George, George! Drop the shirt, drop it. We're going for raw sexuality here.

George:Kramer, I don't know about this...

Kramer:No, no, no. Pout. Pout like you just lost your best friend. Now smolder. Smolder, George!

George:I'm smoldering.

Kramer:You call that smoldering? That's a man who's constipated! Now, give me pain. Show me the pain of a thousand breakups!

George:This is humiliating.

Doctor:You're his nurse?

Elaine:Yes, that's right.

Doctor:How long have you been working here?

Elaine:Oh, about three years now.

Leo:Who is this woman?

Doctor:You know, Leo, I've been doing this for thirty years. And I gotta tell you, you're a very difficult patient.

Leo:Difficult? What are you talking about? I'm not difficult.

Doctor:You come in here, you don't know what you want, you're confused about your eyebrows...

Leo:So that makes me difficult?

Doctor:In my professional opinion, yes. Difficult.

Newman:Packages are rarely damaged in shipping.

Jerry:Define 'rarely.'

Newman:Well, more often than not they arrive intact.

Jerry:So you're saying packages ARE frequently damaged?

Newman:No! I said more often than not—

Jerry:Which means less than half the time they're not damaged. That's frequent damage, Newman.

Newman:The hot lights... they're not real, are they?

Jerry:No, Newman, they're not real.

Newman:You're lying!

Jerry:I'm not lying, Newman. There are no hot lights.

Newman:Wait a minute... this isn't Jerry's signature.

Newman:It's his uncle's!

Kramer:Hello, I'm Dr. Kremshaw. How are you feeling today, Miss... Eee-lane?

Elaine:It's Eh-LANE! Eh-LANE! How many times do I have to tell you?

Kramer:Yes, yes, I see here... *adjusts imaginary stethoscope* ...the x-rays don't lie. You've got a very serious condition.

Elaine:What? What condition?

Kramer:*leans back dramatically* It's acute... *pauses for effect* ...very acute. *clutches chest* I'm afraid you have... *whispers* ...Bolivian marmoset syndrome.

Elaine:That's not even a real disease!

Kramer:*stands up, gestures wildly* Oh, it's real alright. Very real. *spins around* And it's spreading. *places hand on forehead* You could go at any moment. *collapses into chair* Any... moment.

Receptionist:What clinic do you represent?

Kramer:The Gallant Clinic.

Kramer:It's in New Jersey.

Receptionist:Where in New Jersey?

Kramer:It's near... uh... the Statue of Liberty.

George:These photos, they're not just pictures. They're a... a mating ritual. You gotta play it cool, you gotta be mysterious. You can't just hand them over.

George:It's like Kramer says - you gotta make 'em work for it. Build the tension. That's what separates us from the animals.

Newman:Look at this. Jerry tried to fix my stereo, and he destroyed it. He's like a chimpanzee trying to perform open-heart surgery.

Newman:You think this is a game, Seinfeld? You think you can just waltz into the postal service and desecrate the sanctity of the mail? I have evidence. Mountains of evidence. Photographs, documents, witness statements. Do you know what you've done? You've declared war on the United States Postal Service!

Newman:Your Honor, I present Exhibits A through Z. Photographic evidence of the defendant's criminal enterprise.

Judge:These appear to be... artistic photographs.

Newman:Exactly! Artistic photographs of crimes! Look at this one - a man hiding behind a building. And this - someone emerging from the shadows!

George:Those are from an art class!

Newman:An art class in crime!

George:Sheila, Sheila, listen to me. Kramer said if you're in a bad situation, you gotta commit to it. Make it look like it's all part of a plan.

Sheila:George, there are photographs of you in a swimming pool with a woman who is not me!

George:I know, I know, but Kramer said confidence is key. You just own it.

Kramer:That's right. Giddy up.

George:See? Kramer agrees with me.

Jerry:Oh yeah, this is real romantic. 'It's not a lie if you believe it.' Very poetic, Kramer.

Kramer:Well, it worked for me!

Jerry:It worked? Elaine's not talking to me, the woman in the photo thinks I'm a liar, and somehow I'm the bad guy here.

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine briefs Kramer on getting the chart: 'Get in there, get the chart, and get out. You got it?' — Kramer immediately asks to borrow her scarf

Kramer · Elaine:'It's Bennett, right?' / 'It's Benes, you jackass. My last name is Benes.'

Kramer:Kramer poses as 'Dr. Van Nostrund from the clinic' to get Elaine's chart — elaborating with 'the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic in Belgium' / 'The Netherlands?'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer returns having failed to get the chart — 'Now they got a chart on me.' / 'I don't know where they could be.' / 'You can't find them.' / 'That's marvellous.'

Elaine:'The dance continues.' — Elaine's misdirected seduction framing after Kramer's failed scheme

Newman:Newman re-opens investigation, presenting the original photo of Jerry hitting the stereo with a screwdriver: 'This doesn't look like a man who's happy with his stereo performance, now, does it?'

Newman:'Looks like you're breaking into it like an otter cracks open a clam.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman's villain monologue: 'How I've longed for this moment, Seinfeld. The day I would have the proof I needed to haul you out of your cushy lair and expose you to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile...' / 'Newman!'

Newman · Jerry:'There'll be a small fine.' / 'Okay.' / 'Can we go now?' / 'Not so fast, pretty boy.'

Newman · George · Jerry:Newman reveals George's shirtless seduction photos as 'evidence' of a 'mail-order pornography ring'

Sheila · George · Kramer:Sheila sees the interrogation photos and recognizes George — 'Oh, my God. George.' / 'Well, Sheila, it's not what you think.' / 'I put my trust in the wrong person.' / 'He said the key word was "tasteful."'

Jerry:'The timeless art of seduction.' — repeated as the final button to the George/Sheila storyline collapsing

Elaine · Kramer · Jerry · Uncle Leo:The gang rides a long way to a rural doctor, complaining about the drive — 'That wasn't such a long drive.' / 'The dirt road really hurt my back.' / 'Okay, please, everybody just stop complaining.'

Doctor · Elaine:The new doctor takes a call mid-appointment — 'Well, as a matter of fact, they're here right now. I understand.' — suggesting he's also been warned about Elaine