The Little Kicks

Kramer:Walk over there? Are you crazy? Do you know what's out there on those sidewalks? Danger zones! Unmarked danger zones! You got your hot dog vendors, your street musicians, your people handing out flyers. One wrong move and you could step in a puddle, slip on a banana peel, get hit by a bicycle messenger. And don't even get me started on the pigeons. They're organized, Jerry. They're watching. Last guy who walked to the corner? Never came back. Left behind nothing but his last egg sandwich.

Kramer:I'm telling you, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. I get reconstructive surgery, a monkey secretary, and I'm back in business.

Kramer:Yeah, I'd rather break my leg than hit my head. I hit my head once before—wouldn't recommend it.

Jerry:Were you living in the Village when you got hit in the head?

Kramer:I don't remember.

Jerry:So now nail polish has to have a personality? It's not enough that it's green, it has to be a *type* of green. Toxic-waste green. What happened to just... green? We're dating now, the nail polish has to have opinions.

Elaine:Oh, so you're saying the fact that you completely repulse me means I'm actually attracted to you?

George:Why are you having a party?

Elaine:Well, managing employees is just like training a dog. You have to establish dominance, use positive reinforcement, and never let them see you cry.

Jerry:That's exactly right.

George:I'm telling you, I'm not going to interfere. I'm going to stay out of it completely.

Jerry:That's like saying Lee Harvey Oswald is going to stay out of it.

George:These quesadillas are incredible. What is in these?

Server:Just cheese and chicken.

George:Well, whoever made these is a genius. Are you... are you the one who made these?

Server:No, I just serve them.

George:That's too bad. I would have said something really nice to you.

Elaine:Hi everyone, I just want to say a few words about our boss. He's a great guy, a real humanitarian. Last week, I saw him help an old lady cross the street. Of course, he was probably just trying to get to the Snapple machine on the other side, but still. And his management style? Impeccable. Sure, he yells at us, demeans us, and treats us like we're less than human, but at least he's consistent. So, without further ado, I'd like to raise my glass to a man who's really going places. Mostly to the bathroom, because he has the bladder of a three-year-old. Cheers!

Elaine:I'll dance! I'll dance!

Elaine:Come on, everybody! It's not so bad!

George:What is that? What are you doing?

Kramer:It's about a guy, he's got a problem. So he's gotta take care of it. But he can't, 'cause he's in the middle of a situation. So he's gotta get out of the situation, so he can take care of the problem.

Kramer:Did she dance?

Jerry:She looked like a flamingo. A flamingo having a seizure.

Jerry:She's got moves. She's got rhythm.

Kramer:Oh yeah, I know all about Elaine's dancing. I've seen her do the little kicks, the arm flailing, that head bob thing...

Jerry:I couldn't tell her. She was so happy thinking she was a good dancer.

Kramer:Yeah, but you know, it's like a Band-Aid. You gotta rip it off. The truth hurts, but it's better in the long run.

Jerry:So what, I should have just told her?

Kramer:No, no, no. You did the right thing. People don't really want the truth. They want to feel good about themselves. You give them the truth, they get mad at you.

Jerry:A little crazy? Kramer, your father was already crazy!

Elaine:You know what? You're like a virus. You infected my workplace. You came in, and everything just started falling apart.

George:A virus? I'm not a virus.

Elaine:Oh, you're a virus. You're a toxic virus. And now everyone at my job is sick because of you. They're all symptomatic — bad attitudes, low morale, they're contagious with negativity.

George:So what, I'm patient zero?

Elaine:You're not even a patient. You're the disease itself. And the only cure is your complete and total absence from my life.

Elaine:So, did you have a good time at the party?

Anna:Oh, it was a blast! You really knew how to kick things off!

Elaine:He's like a seed, you know? Just sitting there, waiting to grow.

Elaine:But then the soil gets toxic, and the seed just... withers.

Elaine:And then a bird comes and eats it. A big, ugly bird.

Elaine:And the bird chokes on it and dies, and nobody even knows why!

George:I'm a bad boy? Me? I'm wearing a bra!

Jerry:You've never been the bad boy? George, let me count the ways. You lied about your height on a job interview. You pretended to be an architect. You've stolen from your employer multiple times. You've faked your own credentials. You've gone through women like tissues. You've caused at least three workplace incidents. You once ate cake out of a garbage can. You've stolen a marble rye from a old lady. You've impersonated a marine biologist. You told a woman you were a cotton candy mogul. Should I continue?

Jerry:What is that, a feed bag? Are you going to the movies or are you going to the stable?

Brody:It's just some snacks.

Jerry:Just some snacks? You look like you're preparing for a winter migration.

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey. What's going on here? Why don't we all just relax?

Jerry:Yeah, everything's fine.

Jerry:What is Brody doing during the movie?

Kramer:Oh, he's in the back with a camera on a tripod, taping the movie.

Jerry:He's taping the movie?

Kramer:Yeah, we're gonna sell 'em.

Elaine:Oh no, George has entered the system.

Brody:I can't believe they made me leave right during the deathblow scene in Death Blow!

Jerry:Well, you were being disruptive.

Brody:It was the death blow! That's the whole movie!

Anna:Why do you have a pillow in your car?

George:It's... it's for my back. Long drives, you know. Medical necessity.

Mr. Peterman:You've been exposed to a very infectious idea. I'm going to have to quarantine you from the office.

George:Quarantine? I'm a grown man!

Mr. Peterman:That may be, but you're still under my roof. No going out, no phone calls, and you're grounded.

Kramer:He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street.

Jerry:What are you talking about? If someone's got a gun, they understand communication. They understand it very well. That's the whole point of the gun.

Jerry:If they didn't understand communication, why would they have the gun?

Brody:You know, people always complain about bootlegs, but I think there's a real art to it. The slight color distortion, the muffled dialogue in the second act - it's like watching a painting through a dirty window. It's authentic.

Brody:I got another bootleg for you. This one's a real craftsman. He does all his work in black and white. Very artistic.

Jerry:He does bootlegs in black and white?

Brody:Yeah, he's a purist. Won't touch color. Says it's too commercial.

Kramer:You're a bootlegger now, Jerry. You gotta think like a bootlegger.

Jerry:I'm not a bootlegger.

Kramer:You're selling bootleg recordings. That makes you a bootlegger.

Jerry:So what, now I'm Al Capone?

Kramer:You're bigger than Al Capone.

Jerry:How am I bigger than Al Capone?

Kramer:Al Capone sold alcohol. You're selling culture.

Anna:This jacket is terrible. The color is all wrong, it doesn't fit you, the lapels are outdated, and you look like a schlub.

George:I do not look like a schlub.

Kramer:It's not about the bread, Jerry. It's about the man. It's about what he's willing to do to get what he needs. It's about desperation, it's about survival. It's about the human condition.

Kramer:Look, I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing this because these kids need to see this stuff. You think it's fair that they gotta wait until they're 18 to see a little nudity? I'm providing a service.

Elaine:You know, I have a very distinctive style of dancing.

Peterman:It looks like you're having some kind of seizure.

Elaine:Do I stink at dancing?

Jerry:You don't stink at dancing. You're just... you have your own style.

Elaine:But do I stink?

Jerry:No, you don't stink. You're just very... unique.

Elaine:Just tell me the truth!

Jerry:Okay, fine. Yes. You stink. You stink at dancing.

Jerry:No, no, no! Please, I'm begging you. I have seen things. Bad things. Things that can't be unseen. Don't do this to me again!

Elaine:You're a good seed, George.

George:A good seed? What are you talking about? I'm not a good seed. I'm a bad boy. I do bad things.

Elaine:No, you're a good seed.

George:I'm not a good seed!

George:You know what? I'm going back in there, and I'm going to do something so outrageous, so inappropriate, that she'll have to respect me. She'll have no choice.

Jerry:George, what are you doing?

George:I'm going in there. I'm going to march right up to her, and I'm going to do the most un-George thing that George has ever done.

George:I'm going in.

Brody:You know what? I don't need this. I'm out.

Jerry:What do you mean you're out? We have a whole operation here.

Brody:I'm done. You don't appreciate my vision. Nobody does.

Jerry:Your vision? We're bootlegging movies in a basement!

Brody:Exactly. And I'm an artist. I deserve respect.

Jerry:You know what bothers me? The bootleg movie business has become so commercialized. They've got their whole operation set up - multiple cameras, editing equipment, distribution networks. It used to be just some guy in a trench coat with a camcorder. Now it's like a Fortune 500 company. They've got business cards!

George:I did hard time.

Anna:What kind of hard time?

George:Community service.

Kramer:The French guy fell off his bike.

Jerry:See, that's why they call it 'Cry, Cry Again.' Once wasn't enough.

Frank Costanza:You want a piece of me? I'm warning you, I am not a man to be trifled with. I have the strength of a lion mixed with the cunning of a serpent. I could take you down in seconds flat.

Mr. Peterman:Mr. Costanza, please.

Frank Costanza:Don't 'Mr. Costanza' me! I've forgotten more about street fighting than you'll ever know. I once arm-wrestled a man for three hours. We both lost feeling in our arms. It was like two overcooked noodles flopping around.

Jerry:You fought with Peterman? The man is in his seventies!

Elaine:So? He started it!

Kramer:This is gold, Jerry! Gold! You're a natural!

Jerry:I'm like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille. Except instead of a movie career, I'm selling bootleg videos out of my apartment.

Elaine:He doesn't know what he's talking about. [Elaine to camera/self, alone]

Elaine · Jerry:I'm a good dancer, right? I forgot to make my bed.

Elaine · Jerry:Jerry, do I stink? All right! You're beyond stink!

Elaine · Jerry:But I really enjoy dancing. And that's not helping either.

Jerry · Elaine:That's why you're having trouble with your staff, not because of George. It's that bad? Have you ever seen yourself?

Jerry:Uh— Uh, please, please. Not in my home.

Elaine · George · Anna:I have George Costanza still holding. George, hi. Um, I have Anna here. There's something I want to say to both of you. Yo, Anna.

George:You don't wanna know.

Elaine · George:George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person. Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up. I never should have given Anna the impression you're a bad seed. I mean, you're a fine seed. Elaine, get off the speaker! What? You are ruining everything. What? I'm trying to help.

George:Yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that. Difficult, I'm a difficult seed.

George:I'm a bad man!

George:I'm a bad man! [George, after Anna refuses to talk to him]

Kramer:He's dying to do it, but if you don't make him happy, the work suffers and then nobody's happy.

Jerry:All right, that's it. I can't work like this. / Jerry-- / I'm off the project!

Jerry · Brody · Kramer:All right, that's it. I can't work like this. Jerry! I want the tape. Yeah, I— I know.

Jerry:Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that? They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs.

Kramer · Jerry:Listen, man, you gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane.

George · Jerry:I'm a bootlegger! You're a what? Bootlegging a movie, baby. Isn't that illegal? I could do hard time for this one. And community service.

Kramer · George:Is this your FiberCon? Get out of my way!

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry, George got arrested. What? Yeah. He went down at the Beekman. He tried to lam, but they cheesed him.

George:Sweet, fancy Moses.

George:Jerry, she taped over the whole ending.

Jerry · Brody:Great. Great, yeah. Although the whole story kind of comes apart at the end there. Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured. Yeah, it's a disturbing image. Yeah, so you cry, and then when you see the dancing, you cry again.

Frank Costanza:I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger?

Frank Costanza:I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger?

Frank Costanza · George · Elaine:Who put you up to this? Was it her? All right. Wait, I think you've got it backwards. My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this. You got that right. What the hell does that mean?

Frank Costanza:I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

Frank Costanza · Elaine:You want a piece of me? You got it! [Frank and Elaine appear to brawl]

Frank Costanza · Elaine:You want a piece of me? You got it! [Frank apparently charging at Elaine]

George · Elaine:But he's an old man, Elaine. Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.

George · Elaine:But he's an old man, Elaine. Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.

Jerry · Elaine:Look, here's that bootlegged Death Blow that I shot. Oh, Cry, Cry Again, I want to see that. No, you don't. You shot Death Blow? Yeah. It was brilliant. Thank you. You were big. I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small.

Kramer · Jerry:You shot Death Blow? It was brilliant. Thank you. You were big. I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small.

Elaine:Although I still get the vibe every once in a while. ♪ Hey! You're a really big Shining star ♪ [Elaine dances to the music]