Scott's Tots

Michael · Andy:Michael reads the complaint back: 'Andy have a boo-boo tummy.'

Michael · Andy:'Andy have a boo-boo tummy.' Michael reads this back deadpan from a written report as if presenting evidence in court.

Andy:Andy defends himself: 'Would you rather me say, Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up... Crazy diarrhea happening right now. 'Cause things can get real adult real fast.'

Michael · Andy:Michael reads the full list of Andy's baby-talk offenses: 'Wittle-ittle, footie-wooties, num-nums, jammies, make boom-boom, widiciwus, and Whode Island.'

Andy:Andy responds to Michael's confrontation: 'Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws?... Well, if I do, Andy's sowwy.'

Andy · Michael:Andy retaliates: 'A lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying.' Michael immediately asks who, then defends it when Andy says he personally likes it.

Michael · Andy:Michael and Andy devolve into mutual compliments: Andy says Elvis voice is 'tops,' Michael says baby voice is 'tops,' and they end up doing both voices together — 'Tank you, Mr. Elvis.' / 'You're welcome, baby.'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan greets Jim: 'Dr. Tuna M.D., I have some terrible news... The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.'

Ryan · Jim:Jim asks Ryan what their chances are. Ryan says '0%... Unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat!'

Ryan:Ryan lists his impressive work history: 'Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron.'

Michael · Erin:Pam/Erin helps clear Michael's inbox; a category of emails is labeled 'Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day' — and there are a bunch of them. 'Keep.'

Michael · Erin:Michael wants to keep 'sent' emails in his inbox so he can see what he sent. Erin points out that's what the sent folder is for. Michael: 'Keep.'

Michael · Erin:Three 'Nip Slip' news alerts are in Michael's inbox. Michael: 'I don't know how those get on there... Must be hackers.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight appears suddenly behind Jim: 'Hey, what's up?' Jim: 'Lurk much?'

Jim:Jim, lamenting Pam's absence on maternity leave: 'I miss Pam.' Then the camera cuts to him in a talking head: 'I think she's okay.' / 'Is that what we're going for now? Okay? We used to go for pretty good.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim asks Dwight, 'What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever? Would you still want to be my friend?' Dwight: 'Did you murder someone?' Jim: 'Worse than murder.'

Michael · Jim:Jim tells Michael he can't be Employee of the Month because he's a manager. Michael: 'Well, technically I am a co-manager and I barely have any responsibilities.'

Jim · Michael:'It would look bad.' / 'It would look good on my mantle.'

Andy:Talking head — Andy reveals his scheme: 'I just need Andy to think it's his idea so it won't get traced back to me.'

Dwight:Dwight's ominous talking head: 'In approximately six hours Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired.'

Michael · Erin:The reveal that Michael promised to pay college tuition for an entire class of third-graders 10 years ago — and it has now come due. Erin's reaction: 'Has it really been 10 years?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight approaches Jim with insincere flattery: 'I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office.' Jim: 'Thanks, Dwight.' Dwight: 'That laugh is so infectious.' Jim: 'You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go.'

Dwight:Dwight, dropping the act: 'I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud.'

Dwight:Dwight's Employee of the Month spreadsheet assigns everyone a random number 'for total fairness and transparency' — but it clearly encompasses his own metrics.

Dwight:Dwight: 'In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.'

Jim:Jim's response: 'Okay. If it's all the same to you, I'm just gonna take away survival skills and self-defense.'

Michael · Erin:Michael recognizes a student, Mikela Lasker, and immediately brings up her eighth-grade saxophone solo. 'She gave a rendition of When the Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.' Erin: 'Well, you didn't even hear it.'

Michael · Student:Michael physically refuses to enter the school, hovering at the doorway despite everyone expecting him: 'You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy. I shouldn't...' / 'We just want to say thanks.'

Michael · Students:Students chanting 'Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!' as Michael is received like a hero

Dwight · Various:Cut back to the office: Dwight approaches people asking for $20 for Employee of the Month, claiming 'Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20.'

Various Office Workers · Dwight:Repeated reaction beat: 'Jim said that?' (said twice by different people in response to Dwight's claims about Jim)

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: 'Five minutes ahead of schedule.' Cut to his calendar: 'Right on schedule.'

Principal · Michael:Principal's speech praising Michael: 'Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're gonna fix our schools... But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it!'

Principal:'You are a dream maker, and I thank you. I thank you. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you.'

Student · Michael:Student testimonial: 'There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel... So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college and become the next President Obama.'

Jim · Office Workers:Jim announces Employee of the Month winner. Number nine is... Jim Halpert.

Dwight · Jim:Jim tries to explain the anonymous system. Dwight: 'To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim tries to explain: 'I did not get... That was not...' — his speech falls apart mid-sentence. Dwight mimics him: '"How come not..."'

Dwight · Jim:Jim says he won't take any of the prizes and there was no cash prize. Dwight: 'Yes!' Jim: 'Dwight, I meant yes, in a perfect world someone would get money, but not...' Dwight: 'Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money.'

Michael · Students · Teacher:Extended painful silence after Michael begins his confession speech to Scott's Tots. Students waiting. Michael floundering. Student: 'Should we go?' Teacher: 'No, we're okay. It's a double period.'

Michael:Michael tries to pivot: 'I came here today because I promised you tuition, and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable? Intuition.'

Michael · Zion:Michael mixing up students' names and introducing Zion (Mikela's younger brother who snuck in): 'Well, Zion, I am not going to be paying for your tuition.' Then: 'Which brings me to my main point — I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition.'

Michael:Michael explains why he thought he'd be a millionaire by now: 'I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close, and then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know.'

Michael:Michael: 'Some people have evil dreams, some people have selfish dreams, or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.'

Michael · Jim:Back in the office — Jim is revealed as Employee of the Month; the crowd turns on him. Michael over intercom: 'This was your idea anyway.' Jim: 'Correction. It was my idea.' Michael: 'Okay.' Jim: 'My idea.'

Office Worker:Pam — visibly pregnant — is accused of somehow gaming the Employee of the Month system. Office worker: 'Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not even pregnant.'

Jim · Dwight · Office:The next highest Employee of the Month score is also a Halpert: 'Son of a bitch! Pam Halpert.'

Pam · Oscar:Pam defending her win: 'Wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.' Oscar: 'Oh, really? From what? Two to four?' Pam: 'Yep.'

Jim · Delivery Person:Jim receives a cake delivery he didn't order. The delivery person: 'Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake. Jim Halpert.' Jim: 'That is me, but I didn't order the cake.'

Dwight:Dwight appears holding a slice of cake: 'Look who it is.' Dwight walks off eating cake. 'He knew all along. I'm gonna have some cake.'

Kevin:Kevin calls David Wallace's office to report: 'Tell him I'm mad at Jim 'cause he's asking us to give money to Pam.'

Stanley:Stanley calls David Wallace's office: 'This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace.'

Toby:Toby calls in: 'It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here.'

Michael · Student:Student: 'You could pay for my college.' Michael: 'I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one.'

Michael · Student:Michael agrees to buy the student's books (~$1,000/year). Michael: 'Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write four checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart... please call me before you cash the check, 'cause I've got monies to move around... Make it out to my Aunt Rosa.'

David Wallace · Jim:David Wallace's phone call — Jim explains there was 'a little bit of a miscommunication.' Wallace: 'Just so I understand: you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife?'

David Wallace · Jim:David: 'Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're gonna have a separate discussion.' Then: 'I am sorry. I am taking this out on you.' Jim: 'No.' David: 'But things have been crazy here.' Jim: 'You know I think you're doing a great job, right?' David: 'What? No. Yeah. Thank you.'

Michael:After the intense phone call, the Scott's Tots song starts playing again from somewhere in the school. Michael: 'Please stop.'

Michael · Erin:Michael's talking head: 'I destroyed 15 young lives today.' Erin: 'No.' Michael: 'Yes.' Erin: 'No, there's financial aid. They could join the Army or the Navy. Maybe...' Michael: 'You're, what, like, 12?'

Michael · Erin:Erin, trying to further comfort Michael: 'Maybe...' Michael: 'You're, what, like, 12?'

Principal (via Erin):The principal's silver lining: 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, 35% higher than the rest of the school. 'So I think that if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would have dropped out, which is something to think about, I think.'

Michael · Erin:Erin reveals her career aspiration: she'd like to be an accountant but is 'terrible at math.' Michael: 'When I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse. I just sort of had a feeling about him.'

Michael · Erin:Michael, after the Kevin revelation, turns to Erin with full seriousness: 'Have a feeling about you, too.'

Michael · Students:The Scott's Tots song plays over the closing montage. Michael: 'Please stop.'

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan finds Dwight: 'I know about your diabolical plan. I found a copy of it in the copier tray.' Dwight: 'Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin...' Ryan: 'So what do you want?' / 'I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.'

Ryan · Dwight:Ryan to Dwight: 'So, listen, I know about your diabolical plan.' Dwight: 'What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin...' Ryan: 'I found a copy of it in the copier tray.'