Shareholder Meeting

Dwight:Bow down before Recyclops!

Dwight:I am Recyclops. I'm here to fight the war on waste. Reduce, reuse, recycle. Those are the three Rs of environmental protection. But there's a fourth R that most people don't know about: repurpose. And a fifth R: refuse.

Dwight:Recyclops is evolving. He's becoming more aggressive, more territorial. He now attacks anyone who doesn't separate their plastics by number.

Dwight:Type 1 polyethylene terephthalate? Recyclops will find you. Type 2 high-density polyethylene mixed with Type 3? Your family is in danger.

Dwight:Recyclops is not happy. I can feel his rage building. He's going to destroy us all.

Dwight:And if you over-water your lawns, Recyclops will come to your house and he will kill you.

I can't remember

Dwight:You fool! You thought you could destroy Recyclops and get away with it? I am no longer the humble defender of the environment. From this moment forward, I am Recyclops' avenging angel. And I will have my revenge.

Narrator:When we first met Dwight Schrute, he was obsessed with saving the planet. He recycled everything, drove a hybrid, lectured us about carbon footprints.

Dwight:Actually, I'm starting a beet-based fuel initiative that requires clear-cutting the entire northeastern forest.

Narrator:By the end, he'd completely reversed his position.

Jim:So Dwight, how's Polluticon treating you these days?

Dwight:Polluticon is not a treatment, Jim. It's a state of being. A warrior's path to enlightenment through the conquest of lesser species.

Dwight:Recyclops does not forgive. Recyclops does not forget.

Pam:Your cold robot heart

Pam:You look like you're trying to hear better.

Sports Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch, Michael Scott, also known as...

Sports Announcer:THE MACHINE!

Michael:The escalating unanimous hatred of the twirl

Jim:Why would you do that?

Pam:That was so weird.

Michael:Okay, I hear you. I'm not gonna twirl anymore.

Michael:I'm gonna spin. Totally different thing.

Michael:Can you simplify that for me?

Oscar:That's as simple as I can make it.

Michael:A town car is really more practical. It's fuel efficient, easier to park, and honestly, it's more professional.

Michael:Wait, is that a limo?

Michael:Forget everything I just said. I want the limo.

Michael:A limo means someone important is coming to town. And clearly, it's me. They're celebrating me.

Kevin:Wait, they're spending money on actual boobs?

Creed:I'm in.

Michael:Be jealous of yourself. Why would you be jealous of me? You should be jealous of yourself for not being me. That's the real issue here.

Oscar:DMI stands for 'Dumb Mother Fucker Index.'

Oscar:I'm one of those idiots.

Ryan:Wow, this limo is amazing. So much space.

Michael:I know, right? This is the life.

Ryan:I'm gonna have one of these someday.

Pam:Really? When?

Ryan:As soon as I can afford to move out of my mom's house.

Jim:Ryan, can you do this data entry for me?

Ryan:I can't, I'm busy.

Jim:Busy doing what?

Ryan:Avoiding data entry.

Michael:Okay, so I'm thinking we do a softball question first, you know, to get everyone warmed up. Something like... 'What's your favorite ice cream flavor?' But then I hit 'em with the real questions.

Michael:Oh! Oh, I got one. 'You know what they say about thin ice... you gotta Zamboni right through it!' Get it? Zamboni? Because it's ice?

Michael:No? Nothing? That's gold, people.

Michael:The limo ride was sublime. Absolutely sublime. Do you know what sublime means? It means, like, really good. But fancier.

Michael:Congressman, it is an honor to meet you. I want you to know that I have always been a huge fan of your work, and I would like to nominate you for a Dundie Award.

Jim:You should really speak up in the meeting, Oscar. Share your ideas.

Oscar:I don't know, Jim. Nobody ever listens to me anyway.

Pam:That's because you have bad ideas.

Security Guard:I can't discuss celebrity protection.

Security Guard:But I will say we're currently protecting Nelly Furtado.

Dwight:False. I have a very defined urinary system. I go once a day, very regular. It's like Weihnachtsmann.

Jim:As co-manager, I need you to understand that I have authority here.

Phyllis:Oh please, Jim. I've seen you cry at your desk.

Jim:Okay, who's been spreading rumors that I don't have any real authority around here?

Phyllis:It wasn't me.

Ryan:It was me. I did it. I've been telling everyone you're basically powerless. Also, I may have embezzled some money, and Pam's been—actually, you know what, forget I said anything.

Oscar:I was going to organize a rebellion in high school, but I chickened out and took the test. Got a decent score.

Oscar:I'm not sad, I'm despondent.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's all just take a breath here. Yes, these men may have made some questionable decisions, but they've been very good to me personally. Do you know how many times they've upgraded my hotel room? Three times. Three times!

Michael:And the company car? Cherry red. That's not corruption, that's just good management appreciating a hard worker.

Michael Scott:Okay, everyone, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. Our finances are in serious trouble.

Dwight Schrute:Michael, I've been preparing for financial collapse since I was a child. I have beet profits we can liquidate.

Michael Scott:Dwight, we don't need beet money. We need real solutions. Has anyone considered just being nicer to their spouses? I read that happy marriages lead to better work performance.

Jim Halpert:Michael, that's not... that's not related to corporate finance.

Michael Scott:Everything is connected, Jim. You know what my secret is? I compliment Pam every day. Well, not Pam anymore, but I did.

Pam Beesly:Michael, we're talking about bankruptcy.

Michael Scott:And I'm talking about love, Pam. That's the real currency.

Pam:You can't yell at people, Jim. It's not in your nature.

Jim:That's true. I remember this one time we went apple picking, and I saw this family just destroying the orchard. And I wanted to say something, but instead I just... picked apples quietly near them and made eye contact until they felt bad.

Michael:Okay, okay, okay. I have a plan. It's very simple. We're going to take the problem, divide it by 45 days, and multiply it by 45 points of improvement. That gives us... a lot of improvement. Math.

Shareholder:That's not how math works.

Michael:Well, it is now.

Michael:I promise you, we will find a solution to this environmental crisis. We will plant trees, we will reduce our carbon footprint, and we will make sure that future generations inherit a clean planet.

Michael:That's what she said.

Ryan:I'm not going to just mindlessly input data like some kind of... drone. I need to think about the larger implications of what we're doing here. It's about systems thinking, organizational dynamics.

Jim:Ryan, you've been avoiding actual work for three weeks now.

Ryan:I've been busy with important tasks.

Jim:Like what? Name one thing.

Ryan:I... well, Michael said I could have a new office.

Jim:Really? That's great for you.

Ryan:Yeah, he's showing it to me right now.

Jim:So where is it?

Michael:Here we go! Your new executive office!

Ryan:This is a closet.

Michael:A very spacious closet. Look, natural lighting from the vent.

Jim:That's a mouse hole, Michael.

Michael:Tomato, tomahto.

Ryan:Is there WiFi in here?

Michael:Oscar, that was great, but you know what would really make this presentation pop? If you added some pizzazz. Some razzle-dazzle.

Oscar:Michael, I think the data speaks for itself.

Michael:Yeah, well, the data is boring. I'm just saying, maybe throw in some jokes, some funny voices, interpretive dance?

Michael:And another thing, I think we should really focus on synergy and—

Executive:You're fired.

Michael:Wait, what? But I wasn't even—

Executive:You kept talking. That's why.

Michael:I'm not an idiot. I have a very high IQ. In fact, I've won several awards.

Michael:The Dundies. The Dundies are a very prestigious award.

Dwight:Thank you for this opportunity to address the shareholders. I have traveled far and wide, gathered extensive documentation, and prepared a comprehensive presentation on a matter of grave importance to this company.

Dwight:The problem is: the line at the coffee station is too long.

Dwight:We need to implement a comprehensive queue management system. I propose we organize everyone by height, with the tallest in front so they can see over shorter people's heads.

Dwight:Actually, we should organize by shoe size. Larger shoe size indicates a larger frame and therefore better visibility.

Dwight:No wait—by the length of their last name. That way, people with shorter names move faster through the line. It's efficient.

Dwight:Everyone should be arranged alphabetically by their mother's maiden name. That way we establish proper genealogical hierarchy.

Dwight:I suggest we implement a mandatory rope system. Every employee gets a rope. It's for efficiency—you can tie important documents together, secure your workspace, rappel down in case of emergency.

Jim:Dwight, why would we need to rappel down in an office building?

Dwight:Preparedness, Jim. But more importantly, the rope can also be used to bundle papers, create a makeshift clothesline for wet documents, or fashion a lasso for—

Pam:For what?

Dwight:Corralling the afternoon snacks back to my desk before they're picked over.