Secret Santa

Jim · Pam:Too loud. - Too too loud, too loud. - But effective. Look.

Jim:My diabolical plot is on hold for christmas.

Angela:My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. [snickers] Not really. I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.

Jim · Pam · Ryan:Hey, rockefeller center. - Yeah. - Uh, I've actually been to rock center, And this is nothing like that.

Kevin · Angela:Why would you start so high? - 27... - 3, 2, 1... - 26...

Ryan · Kevin · Pam:Why would you wrap it in a sheet If you're not covering anything up? - Is--is it fake? - Pam. - Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree.

Pam · Jim:That will never die... - Yes. - Like the spirit of christmas.

Ryan:And we're supposed to applaud you For you taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?

Erin:I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove. The french hens have started pulling out my hair To make a nest. Please stop.

Kelly:What psycho would send that as a gift?

Andy:Is it my fault that the first eight days There's basically 30 birds?

Phyllis:I slipped a note to jim 11 weeks ago, And he said I could do it. [giggles] [tearfully] oh...It's been a long journey... But...[sniffles] I'm santa claus!

Creed · Jim:What if you've been really, really bad? More 'evil' than strictly 'wrong.' - Hey, creed, we covered it. Lump of coal.

Dwight:I'm suspicious of this, Because I had the exact same idea For catching osama bin laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it To find himself... In jail!

Angela · Oscar:You know, oscar, every time I make this lasagna, People ask me if it's a family recipe. But really...I just get the recipe from the box. - That's funny. - Is it funny? I thought it was more... Interesting than funny.

Pam · Kelly · Kevin:I think my water just broke. - That's too funny. - Oscar and the warehouse guy. - Go, oscar! Go, gay warehouse guy!

Michael:Hey, little girl, what would you like for christmas? Ooh! You have been a very naughty girl, I see.

Michael:It's insane! A woman santa? Where does it stop? No!

Michael:I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.

Michael:If this were russia, yeah. Sure, everybody would go to one santa. And there would be a line around the block, And once you sat on her lap And she asked you what you wanted, You would say, probably, 'freedom'... At which point the kgb would arrest you And send you to siberia. It's a good thing russia doesn't exist anymore.

Michael:Why pay more to sit next to old tranny claus over there When you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing! Sit down on my lap, and there will be no doubt!

Michael:No, it's not, like, penis-wise.

Kevin · Michael:Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap. - Oh, I am so sorry that phyllis hates you And hates your body.

Kevin · Michael:Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before. - [wheezily] all right, just say some toys, please.

Kevin · Michael:Can you give me some choices? 'cause I really don't wanna mess up on this list. - [quietly] damn it, kevin. Come on. - What about if I tell you the things I don't want?

Michael:You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you So santa doesn't have to go through this again.

Phyllis · Jim:Don't make me get bob involved. - What would bob do? - Never mind. I shouldn't have said that.

Ryan · Kelly:[laughs] yeah! [both chuckling] Totally. I admit it. It's me. - Oh. Seriously? - Seriously? [chuckling] are you serious? - Is--what--you-- - Yeah. Totally serious. I'm your secret santa. Busted!

Darryl · delivery guy:Matt's a pretty good-lookin' dude, don't you think? - I'll just leave it here with ya.

Jim:You can't yell out, 'I need this, I need this,' As you pin down an employee on your lap.

Michael · Kevin:After you almost killed me? - Michael, I had you. I just wanna try phyllis.

Dwight · Jim:How do you know it's a gun? - What else does it look like? - Not a gun. - Well, I don't have all the pieces yet. - Well, unless the missing pieces is a gun, You don't have a gun. [thud] Not a gun.

Michael:I don't ask for much from christmas. I really don't. It's not like I am begging people to... Buy me diamonds and... Brooch pendants. Oh, buy me something expensive, Or I'm gonna kill myself.

Michael:Behold... Jesus christ. And I bring to you... Glad christmas tidings.

Michael · Toby:Oh...The antichrist. - Okay, you can't-- - sss! - Ow!

Phyllis · Andy:All right, sweetie, I'll just tell her it's michael. - Okay.

Pam:How come the good ones are never straight, right?

Oscar · Pam:Okay, pam. - Okay. Yes. They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.

Dwight:We don't have a north pole branch. Idiot!

Ryan:Oh, yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.

Michael:Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the bible, people. A lotta fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to h-e-l-l, double hockey sticks. Goin' to hell, stanley.

Michael · Kelly · Andy · Jim:That's fantastic! You can make another dress that goes past your feet. - Andy, was this you? - It's a secret. - No, andy had...Erin. - That-- - michael! - You-- - What, was I not supposed to say?

Michael · David:I will give you a hint. His last name is christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards. - Michael-- - I am jesus, david.

Michael:Because phyllis, a woman, Has 'uslurped' my role as santa.

Michael:Earlier today, this office needed a santa. And then it needed a second santa. And then it needed a jesus. Now, it needs a michael. And that's one suit phyllis cannot fit into.

Dwight · Michael:What's your pin number? - I...Don't want to say. But it's fun to stay at the... ⪠it's fun to stay at the ⪠- Where? Holiday inn. I don't--

Andy:I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel At this point. Guess what. Not gonna happen.

Michael:Ryan, you are my son, And... Pam, you're my wife, and jim... And angela and phyllis, you are my...Grandmas. And stanley, you're...Our mailman.

Michael:He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school. I tell them I'm the pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda-bing, badda-boom.

Meredith:By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.

Dwight:I can use this for so many nuts--macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams. Snails.

Phyllis:An xbox it is, Because I've decided you're a good boy.

Bob · Michael · Phyllis:What in the hell is going on here? - No, no, no. - You called bob? Phyllis! - I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. It's was earlier today.

Andy:Twelve drummers drumming.