Secret Santa

Phyllis:Phyllis announces 'Attention, everyone!' at full volume, then immediately self-corrects: 'Too loud. Too, too loud. Too loud. But effective.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing.' Beat. 'Not really. I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.'

Phyllis · Jim · Office Staff:The 'tree unveiling' — Phyllis and Jim dramatically count down to reveal a sheet-covered object; the countdown itself is interrupted because Jim starts too high ('Why would you start so high?'); they never sync up; the 'tree' is revealed to be an undecorated artificial tree in a sheet

Jim:'We are unveiling an artificial tree that will never die. Like the spirit of Christmas.'

Unknown Office Employee:'And we're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?'

Erin:Erin's announcement: her Secret Santa has been giving her the 12 Days of Christmas literally. 'My cat killed a turtledove. The French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please stop.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa, and I decided to give Erin the 12 Days of Christmas. Bowtie time. Is it my fault that the first eight days there's basically 30 birds?'

Phyllis:Phyllis enters as Santa Claus: 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, boys and girls. It's me, Santa Claus.' Office responds warmly. 'I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim 11 weeks ago.'

Creed · Jim:Creed asks Santa what happens if you've been 'really, really bad — more evil than strictly wrong.' Jim cuts him off: 'Hey, Creed? We covered it. Lump of coal.'

Dwight:For the past several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this, because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden.

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'My Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself in jail!'

Oscar · Warehouse Guy:Oscar tells a warehouse guy his lasagna secret: 'Every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box.' The guy responds: 'That's funny.' Oscar: 'Is it funny? I thought it was more interesting than funny.'

Unknown Office Employee:Someone in the background shouts 'I think my water just broke!' followed by 'Oscar and the warehouse guy. Go, Oscar! Go, gay warehouse guy!'

Michael · Jim · Phyllis:Michael enters in a Santa suit, confronting Phyllis: 'What the hell is going on?' / 'Michael, we already have a Santa. Phyllis.' / 'Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?'

Michael:Michael arrives dressed as Santa and approaches a female employee: 'Hey, little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh! You have been a very naughty girl, I see.'

Michael:Michael arrives dressed as Santa, grabs a child/employee and says: 'Hey, little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh! You have been a very naughty girl, I see.'

Michael:Michael's outrage at Phyllis being Santa: 'It's insane! A woman Santa? Where does it stop?'

Michael:Michael to Jim: 'Fine. Then do it anonymously. Ransom-note style. You can... You know what? I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.'

Michael:Michael's confessional about Russia and Santa: 'If this were Russia, yeah, sure, everybody would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted, you would say, probably, freedom, at which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.'

Michael:Michael refers to Phyllis as 'old Trannie Claus' and says 'Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing! Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt! ...No, it's not, like, penis-wise.'

Michael · Kevin · Phyllis:Kevin approaches Santa Michael. Phyllis has already told Kevin he's too big for her lap. Michael welcomes him: 'I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you and hates your body, but Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.' Then Kevin sits on Michael's lap.

Michael:Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt! ... No, it's not, like, penis-wise.

Michael · Kevin:Michael asks Kevin what he wants for Christmas. Kevin: 'I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.' Michael: 'Well, what did you think was going to happen?' Kevin: 'Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.'

Michael · Kevin:Kevin asks for 'some choices' because he doesn't want to 'mess up on this list.' Michael eventually kicks him off and threatens to attach 1,000 helium balloons to Kevin so 'Santa doesn't have to go through this again.' Kevin: 'Awesome.'

Erin · Michael:I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts. Is it you? / Yeah! / Totally. I admit it. It's me.

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis threatens Michael: 'Don't make me get Bob involved.' Michael: 'What would Bob do?' Phyllis: 'Never mind. I shouldn't have said that.' Michael: 'Does it hurt?' Phyllis: 'It stings a lot.'

Dwight:Dwight reveals to someone that he's their Secret Santa by emphatically saying 'Yeah! Totally. I admit it. It's me.' — but then immediately double-checks: 'Seriously? Is... What... Is it you?' The person is clearly not his Secret Santa; he just confessed to someone random.

Oscar · Warehouse Employee:Oscar visits the warehouse, where a man tells him Matt is out on a delivery and offers to take his check. Oscar asks: 'Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?' The man immediately says 'I'll just leave it here with you.' Camera holds on Oscar's disappointed reaction.

Michael · Ryan · Jim:Michael tries to physically drag Ryan onto his lap ('Come here! Come here! I need this!'). Jim intervenes. Michael: 'You can't yell out, I need this, I need this, as you pin down an employee on your lap.' Michael: 'With two Santas in the room, things get ruthless.'

Jim:You can't yell out, 'I need this, I need this,' as you pin down an employee on your lap.

Michael · Kevin:Michael takes a vote on who should be Santa; when nearly all hands go up for Phyllis, he says 'Are you kidding me, Kevin? After you almost killed me?' Kevin: 'Michael, I had you. I just want to try Phyllis.'

Dwight · Unknown Employee:Dwight's confessional: 'Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun — I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger.' Office worker: 'How do you know it's a gun?' Dwight: 'What else does it look like?' Worker: 'Not a gun.' Dwight: 'Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun. Not a gun.'

Michael:Michael as Santa: 'In the North Pole, I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a twinkle in old Kris Kringle's eye.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'I don't ask for much for Christmas. I really don't. It's not like I am begging people to buy me diamonds and broach pendants. "Buy me something expensive, or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not...' [trails off] 'I don't care about that! All I want to be is Santa.'

Michael:It's not like I am begging people to buy me diamonds and broach pendants. 'Buy me something expensive, or I'm gonna kill myself.' That's not... I don't care about that! All I want to be is Santa.

Michael:Michael re-enters as Jesus Christ: 'Behold, Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. Those of you who wish to join me, that's great... and those of you who don't, I forgive you, but I never forget.'

Michael · Jim:Jim: 'Michael, this must be obvious how wrong this is.' Michael: 'The Antichrist.' [pointing at Jim] 'You cannot push religion.' Michael: 'But I can push drugs in here. Is that what you're saying? No. Well, you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael asks Phyllis not to reveal to Erin that he's her Secret Santa. Phyllis: 'All right, sweetie, I'll just tell her it's Michael.'

Oscar · Matt · Pam:Pam nudges Oscar to go talk to Matt. Oscar's approach: 'Good pâté, right? Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar?' He then flags Oscar over himself to introduce them.

Pam · Matt:After Oscar introduces Matt to himself, Pam says: 'How come the good ones are never straight, right?' — directed at Matt, who is gay. Pam: 'Okay, Pam. Okay. Yes. They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.'

Dwight · Unknown Employee:Dwight announces: 'This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch.' Another character: 'We don't have a North Pole branch.' Dwight: 'Idiot!'

Dwight · Office Staff:Dwight opens his Secret Santa gift — revealed to be machine parts. Office crowd: 'It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael as Jesus distributes gifts. He tells Stanley: 'Except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the Bible, people.' Then about the scented candles gift: 'That's appropriate. A lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L, double hockey sticks. Going to hell, Stanley.'

Michael/Jesus · Stanley:And Stanley, you've been very good this year. / I have. / Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the Bible, people.

Michael/Jesus:Well, that's appropriate. A lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L, double hockey sticks. Going to hell, Stanley.

Michael · Erin:Michael as Jesus, handing out Erin's gift: 'That's fantastic! You can make another dress that goes past your feet.'

Michael · Andy · Erin:Michael accidentally reveals that Andy gave Erin her gift: 'No, Andy had Erin. It was a secret. Michael! You...' Michael: 'What? Was I not supposed to say?'

Michael · David Wallace · Stephanie:David Wallace is on the phone with Michael; a woman's voice (Stephanie) says 'Sure, David.' Michael: 'What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?'

Stephanie · Michael:Do you want me off this call too, Michael? / Hey, what? Get off! Get off the phone!

Michael · David Wallace:David Wallace tells Michael the company has a buyer and everyone will be cleaned out. Michael: 'Well, can't Alan protect you?' David: 'Alan will be out, too. All of us.' Michael: 'All of us?' [long pause] 'Goodbye, Michael.' Michael: 'Oh, my God.'

Michael:Michael's confessional after the phone call, dressed as Jesus: 'Earlier today, this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.'

Michael · Jim · Office Staff:Michael: 'You know what's even more offensive is bailing on this party because some jerk ruined the first part of it.' Pause. 'Hurt, petulant Jesus.' Jim: 'Are you serious? That is so offensive.'

Michael · Dwight:Michael gives Dwight his debit card for pizza. Dwight: 'What's your pin number?' Michael: 'I don't want to say.' Dwight: 'But it's fun to stay at the...' Michael: '...It's fun to stay at the...' Pause. 'Where? Holiday Inn. I don't...'

Andy · Erin:Andy confessional about the 12 Days of Christmas gift to Erin: 'I thought that you would like it.' Erin: 'It was a little much, Andy.' Andy: 'Well, it's the thought that counts.' Erin: 'What were you thinking?'

Andy:Andy confessional: 'I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel at this point. Guess what. Not gonna happen.'

Michael:Michael, attempting to reconnect the office: 'Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son, and Pam, you're my wife, and Jim... And Angela and Phyllis, you are my grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman.'

Michael · Office Staff:Michael, mid-family speech, suddenly says: 'I can't help but look at all of your wonderful, beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?"' Office: 'What? How could we do what to you?' Michael: 'That's not... Never... Nothing.' Then: 'We're going out of business!'

Unknown Office Employee · Meredith:'It's hard for me to imagine a scenario where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not. No offense, Meredith.' Meredith: 'No, I get it.'

Michael:Michael explains how he'll reach David Wallace: 'I call the school. I tell them I'm the pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice.' [high voice] 'Hey, sweetie, what is it?'

Michael · David Wallace · Stephanie:Michael's little-girl voice fools David's line. David: 'Hey, sweetie, what is it?' Michael: 'It's not sweetie. It's Michael Scott.' David: 'What the hell? Stephanie, could you hop off, please?'

Michael · David Wallace:Michael reveals to the whole office that they might be fired. David on speakerphone: 'You weren't supposed to tell anyone, Michael.' Michael: 'Well, I think we're past that now.'

Meredith · David Wallace:Meredith on speakerphone with David Wallace: 'How about us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.'

David Wallace · Michael · Office Staff:David confirms the branch is safe: 'You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations.' Office erupts: 'We're not fired?' 'No. Congratulations.' 'It's a Christmas miracle!'

Andy:Andy picks up a guitar and starts playing/singing 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' ('Walk a lonely road / Only one that I have ever known / Don't know where it goes / But it's all to me and I walk alone'). The office stares in silence. 'We all walk alone. Jim. Jim.'

Michael:Michael playing 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' on an acoustic guitar to the office after the party crisis — the whole office listening to him play a sad song about walking alone at Christmas.

Dwight · Office Staff:The office switches to singing 'O Christmas Tree.' Dwight opens his machine parts gift in front of everyone. 'What is that?' 'I have no idea.' 'Well, maybe those will help.' [instructions/pieces appear] Dwight doesn't know what it is.

Dwight:Dwight reacts to finally assembling the nut cracker: 'Oh, man! I can use this for so many nuts. Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds, clams, snails.'

Michael · Phyllis:Michael goes to Phyllis-Santa: 'I'd like to make a wish.' 'What?' 'I would like an Xbox and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And I'm sorry.' Phyllis: 'An Xbox it is, because I've decided you're a good boy.'

Michael · Phyllis · Bob Vance:Bob Vance suddenly appears in the office. Michael: 'No, no, no. We worked it out. You called Bob? Phyllis!' Phyllis: 'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It was earlier today.' Bob to Phyllis: 'Hi, sweetheart. You okay, baby?' Phyllis: 'I'm good, baby.' Michael: 'Oh, God. Get a room, Santas.'

Michael · Erin · Drummers:Erin receives her 12th Day of Christmas final gift: 'Twelve drummers drumming.' Actual drummers play at the office entrance. Erin: 'Merry Christmas, Erin. Take it away, boys!'