The Banker

Jim:Michael, you need to lower your voice. Everyone can hear you.

Michael:What? No, no, no. This is perfect. People need to hear the announcement.

Jim:But you're basically yelling. Can't you just use a normal voice?

Michael:Okay, fine, fine. Yes, it's loud. But you know what? It's effective. People are listening, aren't they?

Dwight:I have a diabolical plot, but I've decided to put it on pause for the holidays.

Angela:There is nothing more beautiful than the sound of children singing in unison. It's like angels.

Angela:Of course, these children are all going to Hell.

Jim:Our office tree is basically the Rockefeller Center tree.

Pam:It's a small potted plant that Kevin knocked over twice.

Stanley:You know what the secret to office camaraderie is? Don't actually participate. Just smile and nod while everyone else wastes their time with trust falls and team building exercises.

Jim:Wait, why are we counting down from 30? It's like 20 feet away.

Pam:It's tradition, Jim.

Jim:A tree doesn't need a countdown. It's not a bomb.

Pam:Just count with me. 30... 29... 28...

Jim:This is ridiculous. 27... 26...

Pam:You're doing it wrong. Start over. 30... 29...

Jim:So we're unveiling a tree that's... not decorated?

Pam:It's supposed to be a surprise.

Jim:The surprise is that there's nothing there?

Pam:It's artificial.

Jim:Right, but why unveil it before decorating it? Isn't the decorated tree the thing worth unveiling?

Jim:That was the most pathetic Christmas tree I've ever seen. It looked like it died in October and we just didn't notice.

Erin:Oh my God, a partridge in a pear tree! This is the best Secret Santa ever!

Erin:Wait, two turtle doves? Where am I supposed to keep two turtle doves?

Erin:Three French hens?! My apartment smells like a petting zoo!

Erin:Four calling birds — they won't stop calling! I think they're summoning something!

Erin:FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! Oh thank God, finally something that's not alive. Wait, why is there a live goose attached to this ring?

Erin:Six geese a-laying... they're laying everywhere, Erin! There's goose poop in my hair!

Erin:Seven swans a-swimming — I don't even have a pool! They're in my bathtub! They're in my toilet!

Erin:My landlord just evicted me. Eight maids a-milking showed up but there's nothing to milk and they're very confused and also angry!

Andy:I'm giving Erin the twelve days of Christmas.

Dwight:Thirty birds? You're sending thirty birds to her apartment?

Andy:It's a Christmas carol, Dwight. That's what you do.

Jim:Andy, those birds are going to destroy her place.

Andy:She loves birds! She's going to love this.

Phyllis:Well, I got to be Santa because Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, thought I had the right temperament for it.

Phyllis:And honestly, it's been such an honor. I've never felt more alive, more purposeful. This is what I was meant to do. *tears up* I'm sorry, I'm just... this means everything to me.

Creed:Santa doesn't bring presents to bad children. He brings them coal.

Jim:What about evil children?

Creed:Presents.

Dwight:If this is a trap, I will find out. And when I do, I'm going to use this same method to catch Bin Laden.

Kevin:It's from a box.

Oscar:...Of course it is.

Kevin:What? Why is everyone laughing?

Kevin:Oh my God, her water broke!

Oscar:What? No, that's just—

Warehouse Worker:Come on, buddy, let's go!

Office:Go, go, go! Come on!

Oscar:Guys, stop it!

Michael:Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! I'm Santa!

Child:Are you the real Santa?

Michael:Well, that depends on how you define 'real.' I mean, Santa is a state of mind, you know? It's about the magic inside your heart.

Parent:Um, okay... come on, sweetie.

Michael:Wait, wait! I have something for you! It's a Dundie Award! For being the cutest kid at the Dunder Mifflin Christmas party!

Michael:Phyllis is Santa? No, no, no. Santa is a man. Santa has a beard, he wears a suit, he's jolly. Phyllis is a woman. She doesn't have a beard, she wears sensible shoes, and she's never jolly.

Phyllis:I can be jolly.

Michael:No. No you can't, Phyllis. And frankly, the fact that you're even suggesting that you could be Santa is offensive to the entire North Pole.

Michael:We could write an anonymous note telling her she's not Santa anymore.

Michael:I have the materials in my desk. Magazines, scissors, glue.

Michael:Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Michael:Okay, listen up. I'm going to be honest with you — Santa's a fat guy in a red suit who breaks into your house at night. That's literally a home invasion. But here's the thing — I can do it better, faster, and I won't judge your cookie selection. Plus, I'm not on any lists. Well, I'm on lists, but not that kind of list. Most of them.

Michael:Okay, okay, I just want to clarify something about what I said earlier regarding Santa. I was not trying to be inappropriate.

Michael:I was simply making an observation about Santa's physical appearance and what I perceive to be his somewhat suggestive outfit.

Michael:Which, when you think about it, is basically just a red suit and a big white beard, so really, who's to say what's appropriate?

Kevin:I've been coming to this Santa for three years. Last year, I asked him for a real diamond ring. He said, 'Kevin, that's not realistic.' So I said, 'Well, what about a fake diamond ring?' And he said, 'Kevin, you need to set your expectations lower.' This year I asked him for socks. He said, 'Kevin, I can't help you.'

Michael:Hey, you know what? Rudolph was rejected too. And you know what happened to him?

Kevin:He found acceptance?

Michael:No, he was used for his one special quality and then thrown away. But before that, he was happy!

Michael:Ho ho ho... Kevin, you're a little heavy for Santa's lap.

Kevin:What? I'm not that big.

Michael:No, no, it's fine. Ho ho ho. I can feel my legs again... any second now.

Michael:Kevin, what do you want for Christmas?

Kevin:I don't know. I've never sat on anyone's lap before.

Kevin:I want a Nintendo Switch.

Kevin:Actually, no. I want a PlayStation 5.

Kevin:Wait, what if I want an Xbox? Do I like Xbox? I don't know anymore.

Kevin:Maybe I should just ask for socks. Everyone likes socks.

Kevin:But what if the socks don't fit? What if they're the wrong material?

Kevin:This is too stressful. I'm just going to ask for a gift card.

Kevin:But then I have to decide what to buy with it. That's even worse.

Michael:Kevin, I'm getting you a Christmas gift. It's going to be a framed photo of you from today, but I'm going to have it printed at a size that's just slightly too big to fit in any standard frame you own. You'll have to special order a custom frame, which will cost more than the photo itself.

Kevin:...What?

Michael:Merry Christmas.

Phyllis:I'm going to call my husband Bob.

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not do anything rash here.

Erin:Are you my secret santa?

Jim:Yes, Erin, I am your secret santa.

Erin:Oh my god!

Warehouse Worker:Wow, Matt is really attractive.

Darryl:Yeah, he knows.

Warehouse Worker:...I'm gonna go.

Jim:So Michael basically tackled Santa, who happened to be Ryan, and when we all just stared at him in confusion, he goes, 'What? It's not real.' Which—I mean, technically accurate, but also deeply inappropriate in every other way.

Michael:Kevin, come on. You're a smart guy. You know Santa isn't real.

Kevin:I know he's not real. I just think it'd be cool if he was.

Michael:Okay, but—

Kevin:And I want to see what he'd do with the office.

Creed:This is a gun. It's definitely a gun.

Jim:It's not a gun.

Creed:Then what is it?

Jim:It's a birdhouse.

Creed:A birdhouse? That's the worst gun I've ever seen.

Michael:I don't ask for much. I just want people to have fun and enjoy themselves at my parties.

Michael:But if anyone leaves early, I will hunt them down and kill them.

Michael:I come before you today as your savior. I have risen from the dead... my inbox. And I say unto you, let there be... synergy. Amen.

Toby:Michael, you can't play Jesus at work.

Michael:Oh, so what are you saying? Either I play Jesus or I do drugs? Those are my only two options?

Andy:Phyllis, please don't tell anyone that I'm Erin's Secret Santa.

Phyllis:Oh, don't worry. I'll tell her it was Michael.

Andy:What? No, why would you do that?

Phyllis:I'm just kidding. I won't tell anyone.

Pam:You know, Oscar, Matt is also very organized and detail-oriented. You two are so similar!

Matt:Yeah, we do seem to have a lot in common.

Pam:Right? You're both so... you know... meticulous about things. It's great!

Oscar:Pam, are you trying to set us up because we're both Latino?

Pam:What? No! I just thought... I mean, you both like... organized things.

Pam:I was trying to set up Oscar and Matt because they're both... well, I thought they had things in common. But then I realized I was just matching them because they're both... I don't know, I wasn't really thinking it through. I think I just wanted to feel like I did something nice, even if the logic was completely wrong.

Angela:This is ridiculous. There is no North Pole branch. Dwight made this up.

Kevin:Yeah, but the chocolate is real.

Michael:Stanley, you've been very good this year.

Stanley:Thank you, Jesus.

Michael:But I know about your affair with Cynthia.

Michael:You're going to... the bad place.

Michael:Oh wow, fabric! You know what? That's actually perfect because I've been meaning to tell you - your wardrobe could really use some... updating. I mean, I'm not saying you dress bad, but if anyone deserves a do-over, it's you. So this is like the universe telling you something, you know?

Michael:Okay, David, guess who I am. I can turn water into wine.

David:Jesus?

Michael:Yes! But there's more. I can walk on water.

David:Still Jesus.

Michael:I can raise the dead.

David:Okay, definitely Jesus.

Michael:I can heal lepers.

David:Michael, that's still—

Michael:I can heal leopards.

David:That's not a Jesus power.

Michael:Well, I have it.

Michael:I'm not just doing this for the attention. Jesus was a real person who did real things.

Michael:And if you think about it, Jesus was kind of like a temp worker. He came in, did his job, and then left. Except he came back.

Michael:Women have really up-surped the workplace. They've completely up-surped it.

Michael:You know, I've learned a lot today. About leadership. About myself. About what it takes to be a great boss. And I think the key is to really listen to your employees, understand their needs, and help them grow. Unless you're Phyllis. Then you're just sort of... dead weight.

Michael:Okay, here's a clue. It's the acronym of a song that makes you want to get up and dance.

Dwight:Holiday Inn?

Michael:No, Dwight. Y-M-C-A.

Dwight:Oh! Holiday Inn.

Andy:Okay, I give up. I'm done trying.

Andy:So anyway, I was thinking we could grab dinner this Friday?

Michael:You know, we're like a family here. A real family.

Michael:And like any family, we all have our roles. Stanley, you're the mailman.

Stanley:I am the mailman.

Michael:Yes. And Pam, you're the... the mother figure.

Pam:I don't want to be the mother figure.

Michael:Too late. And Jim, you're the... the disappointing son who never calls.

Michael:And Dwight, you're the weird uncle that everyone avoids at Thanksgiving.

Dwight:I am honored.

Creed:I have David Wallace's ear. I call him up, I do a little child voice, I say 'Daddy, I'm scared.' And he comes running.

David:You know what? I've been coming to this office for years, and I thought I knew these people. I thought we had trust. But Creed? Creed just made me look like a fool in front of the entire company.

Michael:David, come on. It's just a little office prank. We've all been there.

David:A little prank? Michael, the man convinced me that the vending machine was sentient! I spent twenty minutes apologizing to a machine! To a MACHINE! These people have no respect, and frankly, neither do I anymore.

Meredith:Well, I guess this means no more free coffee in the break room. That's fine. I've been meaning to cut back anyway. My liver could use the break.

Pam:So Matt, Oscar tells me you're single and looking to mingle!

Matt:Actually, it's Mitt.

Pam:Right, Matt. Anyway, I'm basically a professional matchmaker at this point.

Oscar:You've never successfully set anyone up.

Pam:That's not true. I have a system.

Creed:Oh wow, a nutcracker! Finally, something to crack open my walnuts, pecans, Brazil nuts, macadamia nuts, pine nuts, pistachios...

Creed:...hazelnuts, cashews, almonds, chestnuts, coconuts, peanuts, acorns, hickory nuts...

Creed:...and human skulls.

Michael:I want a pony.

Phyllis:Michael, you're too old for a pony.

Michael:I'm sorry, you're right. I want a blowjob.

Michael:I apologize. That was inappropriate.

Andy:Erin, what is this?

Erin:Twelve drummers drumming! For the twelve days of Christmas!

Andy:Erin, you didn't. You actually hired twelve drummers?

Erin:Of course I did! You loved all the other gifts!

Andy:This is insane. There are twelve actual drummers in this office right now.

Erin:I know! Isn't it amazing?

Andy:No, it's— wait, what's your name again?

Erin:It's Erin.

Andy:Right, right. Well, Irene, this was a mistake.