The Bizarro Jerry

Jerry:If I were an alien and got captured, I'd prefer the zoo over the circus. At least at the zoo, you know your schedule. You're in the enclosure from 9 to 5, people come look at you, you go home. It's like a job. The circus? That's a whole different thing. You're doing shows every night, traveling from town to town. No benefits, no dental.

George:I'm picturing it now. I'm in some kind of intergalactic circus. I'm the main attraction. I'm doing tricks, I'm performing for these aliens. They're throwing fish at me, I'm catching them in my mouth. I've got like three alien heads in my mouth at once.

Jerry:You know what would be a great benefit? A breeding program. Like, if you work here long enough, they let you breed.

George:So you're telling me that aliens came to Earth, put humans in a zoo, and when they tried to breed us, nothing happened?

Jerry:That's right.

George:We were rejected by aliens.

Jerry:Apparently we're not compatible.

George:Well, welcome to my dating life.

George:It's got everything. Soft Italian marble, indirect lighting, a bidet that doesn't just spray water—it massages. The soap dispenser is motion-activated, so you don't have to touch anything. And the toilet... the toilet has a flush that sounds like a jet engine taking off. I'm telling you, this is the best bathroom in all of Midtown Manhattan.

Kramer:So you really think this bathroom is a good idea?

George:Trust me, I know bathrooms. I've been in hundreds of them.

Kramer:Hundreds?

George:I'm very thorough.

Elaine:'Oh God, this tuna tastes like an old sponge.'

Elaine:Kevin, you're a really great guy, and I like you, but I don't think this is working out.

Kevin:What? Why not?

Elaine:I just... I don't see this going anywhere. It's not you, it's me.

Kevin:But Elaine, we could be so good together. Just give me another chance.

Elaine:Kevin, I appreciate that, but my mind is made up.

George:Yeah, it's like when you're eating a sandwich and you bite into it and there's a big chunk of gristle, or a hair, or something that's been sitting in the sun for three weeks and it's all brown and crusty with flies stuck to it.

Kevin:Yeah, okay, we can just be friends.

Jerry:Great! You know, it's actually not that hard. Look at me and Elaine.

Kevin:You and Elaine are friends?

Jerry:Yeah, completely platonic. We dated, it didn't work out, now we're just friends.

Kevin:Huh. That actually makes me feel better.

Kramer:Oh, I know what the problem is. The sensor's broken. You see, these new dispensers, they have a little eye, and when you put your hand under it, the eye sees your hand and—boom—it dispenses the towel. But this eye, it's gone blind. It can't see your hand anymore.

Elaine:She's really great, Jerry. Smart, funny, attractive.

Jerry:So what's the catch?

Elaine:There is no catch. I'm just trying to set you up with someone nice.

Jerry:It's like you're showing me baseball cards. 'She's got a great personality, look at these stats. Single, no baggage, works in publishing.' Next thing you know you're gonna tell me she's got a rookie card value of fifteen hundred dollars.

Jerry:Look at this stuff on the back of the box. It's a bizarre mix of practical and completely random information. Like, okay, here's the nutritional facts, that makes sense. But then it says 'Manufactured in a facility that also processes tree nuts.' Why do I need to know that? And then—'Warning: May contain small toys.' Small toys? What cereal has small toys in it? And then it goes back to 'Serving size: one cup.' Make up your mind! Are you trying to feed me or entertain me?

Elaine:He wants to be friends.

Jerry:Friends? What do you mean friends? We're not friends.

Elaine:He knows that. He wants to start over, be friends.

Jerry:I don't understand. How can you just decide to be friends? Either you're friends or you're not.

Elaine:Well, he wants to try.

Jerry:This is like saying, 'I want to be taller.' You can't just decide these things!

Elaine:Kevin is a great friend. He's loyal, he's dependable, he shows up when you need him.

Jerry:Yeah, but he's so small.

Elaine:What does that have to do with anything?

Jerry:I don't know, it's creepy. I can't be friends with a guy I could lose in the cushions of my couch.

Elaine:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:The only place Kevin would fit in naturally is at the Miniature Museum. Everything there is small. Kevin would finally belong somewhere.

Jerry:So it's a museum.

George:These women, they're like the great civilizations of the past. You got your Egyptians, your Greeks, your Romans. Each one thought they were gonna last forever. 'We're gonna be here for a thousand years.' And then boom - they're gone. Dust. And all that's left is some pottery and a couple of statues.

George:These women are the same way. They think they're gonna be young and beautiful forever. 'I'm gonna be desirable.' And then one day you wake up and it's over. You're invisible. You go to a coffee shop, nobody looks at you. You might as well be a ruin.

George:It's like a nightclub stamp. You know, you go to a club, they stamp your hand so you can get back in. Well, Susan's picture is my stamp. I show it, and I get right back in.

George:It's like a forbidden city. Nobody knows what's really going on in there.

Jerry:That's right. And I've heard they have their own currency.

George:Exactly!

Jerry:And the air is thinner. You have to acclimate for like a week before you can even function.

George:See, you understand!

Jerry:I read about it in a pamphlet.

Receptionist:Is this your fiancée?

George:Was. She passed away.

George:It's very difficult for me to talk about.

Kramer:Thank you, thank you. You know, I've always believed that if you want to succeed in the business world, you gotta think outside the box.

Kramer:And I'm not just talking about thinking outside the box. I'm talking about thinking outside the building. Outside the city. Outside the box that contains the building that's outside the box.

Kramer:It's all about synergy and paradigm shifts and... touching base going forward.

Jerry:So what's the problem?

Gillian:Well, I think you're a very nice guy, but I'm just not attracted to you.

Jerry:Not attracted to me? But you're going out with me!

Gillian:I know, but... it's not working out.

Jerry:Is it my face?

Gillian:No, your face is fine.

Jerry:Well then what is it?

Gillian:It's your... calves. You have no calves.

Jerry:She has man-hands. These are not the hands of a woman. These are the hands of a man. I mean, the fingers are long, they're large, and when I see her eating the candy bar, I'm expecting her to go like this...

Jerry:But instead, she goes like this. It's like watching a man eat a candy bar. I'm afraid she's going to eat the whole thing in one bite. I'm half expecting her to finish and then go burp and scratch herself.

Jerry:And the thing that really gets me? She eats in front of me. Just openly eats in front of me. I'm like, 'Hey, don't you ever chew? Don't you ever take a small bite?'

Jerry:Her hands are so big, I'm expecting her to pick me up by my head and toss me across the room. I'm expecting her to say something like, 'Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.'

Elaine:What, you want tentacles?

Elaine:What is it with you and hooks?

Jerry:What do you mean? Hooks are very attractive.

Elaine:Hooks?

Jerry:Sure. A good hook can really draw you in.

Elaine:I know someone who could help you move those boxes.

Jerry:Who?

Elaine:My friend. She's got man-hands.

Jerry:Man-hands?

Elaine:Yeah, she's perfect for this kind of work.

Kramer:I got a job.

Jerry:You got a job? What happened? Did you hit your head?

Jerry:Do you know who you are? Do you remember your name?

Jerry:So what do they pay you?

Kramer:Oh, I don't get paid.

Jerry:You don't get paid? How do you live?

Kramer:Well, I get by. You know, it's not about the money, Jerry. It's about the work. It's about doing something that means something. That's the real payment.

Jerry:So what do you do at work?

Kramer:I'm in the BBREAK program.

Jerry:What's BBREAK?

Kramer:Business Relief and Entrepreneurial Advancement of Knowledge. It's about bringing business back.

Kramer:I left my briefcase at the office.

Jerry:Your briefcase? What's in it?

Kramer:Crackers.

Jerry:Crackers? That's your professional briefcase?

Kramer:A man's gotta eat.

George:What does 'smart casual' mean?

Jerry:It's a look.

Jerry:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

Jerry:It's like Bizarro World. Up is down, down is up. You do the opposite of every instinct you have, and the opposite of what you would normally do results in success.

George:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

Jerry:Yes, I know.

George:My name's George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Woman (Attractive waitress):Hi.

George:Hi. I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Woman:Would you like to have dinner with me?

George:I'm on my way.

Elaine:It's not a Bizarro world, it's Bizarro's world. You know, like possessive.

Gillian · Jerry:Gillian cracks open a lobster with her bare hands at dinner.

Kramer:I'm telling you, the pressure is intense. They expect me to work without pay, no benefits, nothing. But I gotta deliver results or I'm out on the street.

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey! Keep it down in here, will ya? I'm trying to work.

Jerry:Work? You don't have a job.

Kramer:I know, but I like to act like I do. Gives structure to my day. I come over here, I tell you to be quiet, I take a nap in your bed, then I raid your refrigerator. It's a full day.

George:You know, my fiancée Susan, she always wanted to go to Paris. Of course, she's dead now.

Jerry:I can't get this bottle open.

Gillian:Here, let me try.

Gillian:No problem.

Jerry:Wow, you opened it so easily. Those are... man-hands.

Gillian:Hold still, I got an eyelash.

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those things are like catcher's mitts!

Gillian:What? They're just hands.

Jerry:Just hands? Those are man hands! You could palm a basketball with those things!

Jerry:I found an eyelash. You're supposed to make a wish on it.

Jerry:I wished that I could get out of this conversation.

Jerry:It didn't work.

Elaine:Wait a minute. I know this guy. This is the 'opposite world' thing! These are his friends from the opposite world!

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, I've been very successful with these models. They love me.

Jerry:George, these are real women. They're not mythical creatures from some fantasy realm.

George:Well, that's where you're wrong. In the model world, I am a dragon.

George:I'm gonna burn some bridges with these models.

Jerry:The Fantastic Four?

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. I have an actual connection to Gillian.

George:I'm engaged.

Jerry:You're engaged?

George:Yeah, I'm engaged.

Jerry:Since when are you engaged?

George:Since I got this picture. See? That's my fiancée.

Elaine:A weather alarm clock? That's a great idea!

Jerry:It's not a great idea.

Elaine:What do you mean? You wake up, you know what the weather is gonna be like before you even get out of bed!

Jerry:So what? I can just look outside.

Elaine:But this way you don't have to get out of bed!

Jerry:I'm already getting out of bed to turn off the alarm.

Jerry:A weather alarm? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

George:What are you talking about? It's a great idea!

Jerry:George, no one needs a weather alarm. That's why we have windows.

Kevin:We're going to the library to actually read.

Feldman:Read? At the library? What a revolutionary concept!

Jerry:She had man-hands. These were not woman-hands. These were the hands of a man. I'm sitting there and all of a sudden I'm thinking about The Great Gama. You know The Great Gama? The Indian wrestler? From the turn of the century? This guy could squeeze a lemon into juice. His hands were like a vice!

Jerry:I'm dating a woman with man-hands. I mean, these hands are HUGE. They're like catcher's mitts!

George:Man-hands?

Jerry:Yeah, I'm not talking about large hands. I'm talking about hands that look like man hands. Like a man's hands.

Elaine:Well, maybe she's self-conscious about them.

Jerry:Self-conscious? She tried to pick up the check with one hand!

Kramer:So what's the big deal? You like her, don't you?

Jerry:I do, but every time she touches me, I feel like I'm being handled by a silverback gorilla.

Kramer:It's the crazy time of year.

Jerry:Kramer, you don't work.

Elaine:You don't read, Jerry. You look at pictures.

Elaine:I'm leaving you, Jerry. You know why? Because you're a bad person. You're shallow, you're selfish, you use people and then you throw them away. You're everything that's wrong with you.

Jerry:But what about us?

Elaine:There is no us, Jerry. There's just a show about nothing.

Elaine:I don't want to hear about the minutiae of your life.

Jerry:So I'm at the coffee shop, and I order a coffee, right? And the guy behind the counter, he's making my coffee. And I'm watching him make it. He's using the filter, he's got the grounds, he's pouring the water. And I'm thinking, 'This is taking a long time.' So I say to him, 'How much longer?' And he says, 'A few more seconds.' So I wait. And then he hands it to me. And it's hot!

Jerry:So Elaine's leaving, Kramer's got a job, George is successful... everything's changing.

Jerry:It's like the end of the world. The apocalypse. Four horsemen riding through Manhattan.

Jerry:And I'm just standing here with a coffee cup like, 'Well, I guess this is it.'

George:So we can't go to a movie as friends?

Jerry:No, of course we can go to a movie as friends.

George:But you just said friendship prevents us from doing normal friend activities.

Jerry:I didn't say that.

George:Well, what are you saying?

Jerry:I'm saying that friendship changes the dynamic of the movie-going experience.

Gillian:I'm going to go wash my hands.

Jerry:You might want to use the industrial-strength paper towels. They're over there by the sink.

Kramer:You know, I'm sitting at home the other night, I'm eating alone, and I realize I'm always eating alone. And I think to myself, 'What am I, some kind of bachelor?' So I say, 'You know what? I'm gonna have a dinner party. I'm gonna invite people over, we're gonna have a nice meal together.' So I make this beautiful roasted chicken.

Kramer:The next day, I go to the kitchen, I'm looking for leftovers, and there's nothing! Nothing! The chicken is gone. Someone ate my chicken.

Kramer:So I say to Jerry, I say, 'Jerry, where's my chicken?' And he looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm standing there, I'm upset, I'm talking about a chicken like it's some kind of... some kind of betrayal. And I realize, this is what married people do. They fight about chicken.

George:I want to join a group like that. A Bizarro group.

Jerry:What do you mean?

George:You know, the opposite. We get together, we do the opposite of what we normally do.

Elaine:So you'd have to be... good?

George:Exactly. We could have a quota system. You need one normal guy, one neurotic guy, one confident guy, one paranoid guy...

Kramer:You can't fire me. I don't work here.

Leland:That's what makes this so difficult.

Receptionist:Oh, she's beautiful! Where did you meet her?

George:That's you.

Receptionist:What?

George:That's a picture of you.

Kevin:Hello, I'm Kevin. I've come to visit you in this Bizarro world.

Kramer:Hey there, buddy! How ya doin'?

Elaine:Wait, wait! You can't just kick me out!

Bizarro Jerry:Oh yes we can. You don't belong here.

Elaine:But I can't leave! The door is properly secured!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're telling me there's a nightclub... in a meat-packing plant?

George:That's right.

Jerry:With a dance floor... surrounded by sides of beef hanging from the ceiling?

George:It's very exclusive.

Jerry:I'm sure it is. Nothing says 'exclusive' like the lingering aroma of animal carcasses and industrial refrigeration.

Jerry:You know what I realized? I could make all my long distance calls for free.

George:How?

Jerry:I found this code. It works.

George:You're gonna use it?

Jerry:No, I can't do that. That's not right.

George:Why not? Everyone does it.

Jerry:That doesn't make it right. Besides, the phone company is already ripping everyone off.

Cosmo Kramer:You know, I want to thank you all for being my friends.

Cosmo Kramer:I'm going to miss you... when I'm gone.

Kevin · Feldman:'Ever hear of asking?' — Kevin scolds Feldman for eating olives without permission.

Elaine · Kevin · Feldman:Feldman gets Bolshoi Ballet tickets — 'fourth row, center' — and Elaine's 'Get out!' is so emphatic she physically shoves Kevin.

Elaine:Elaine is literally locked out of the Bizarro apartment: 'It's locked.'

Jerry · George:George and Jerry arrive at the supposed model bar — it's a meat-packing plant. 'I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw?'

Kevin · Gene:Bizarro World tag scene: The Bizarro group has a free long-distance pay phone — and they immediately call the phone company to report it.

Feldman · Kevin:Feldman brings Kevin groceries — again — Kevin says 'Again?' with mild exasperation, and both thank each other warmly.

Kevin · Elaine:'You know, I may not say this enough, but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.' / 'Me so happy. Me want to cry.'