Stories

Ilana:Ilana interrupts her own birthday greeting to Abbi to wipe nose grease on camera lens, saying 'Sorry, one second. Nose grease.'

Ilana:'This is gonna be the litty-est story ever.'

Ilana:'It's function, baby. It's fashion, baby. It's fluid, baby.' — Ilana describing her platform shoes/outfit with triple-cadence hype

Ilana:'Phillip Lim on a Shopbop discount. $149 at 80% off, okay? And we're talking only half a size smaller than the size I actually wear, so work it, dawg!'

Abbi · Ilana:'Hold on! Is that the key to my heart?' / 'Yeah, this is the key to your heart.' / 'What's the other one?' / 'The key to your ass!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi says 'I feel good' and Ilana screams back 'Bitch, how do you feel?!' — demanding more enthusiasm

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi asks if Ilana's platform shoes are really okay for a full-day Manhattan walk; Ilana says 'Yes. Dude, I feel more comfortable in platforms than not.' Cut to: visual of Ilana walking in giant platforms.

Subway Announcement · Abbi:Subway is delayed because someone jumped on the tracks to take a photo — 'Oh, my good God.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana reveals Abbi's birthday present is already in her phone — it's a text. Abbi's reaction of horror/awe at what the text contains is played out in silence with no reveal to the audience.

Ilana · Abbi:The 'gift' segues into a time-lapse montage scored to '100 Years' — Ilana's 'litty' birthday story is a romantic music video of them walking Manhattan

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi is laughing at her phone reading what she thinks is an Onion article. Ilana says 'That's the Times.'

Ilana:'She's been practicing all season for this moment.' — Ilana commentating on a figure skater on TV like a scandal-heavy sports broadcast

Ilana:'Wow, since her recovery, I'm shocked at the eleganza she's bringing. No parents. Her parents divorced her, gave her over to coaches. She and her coach have had a sexual relationship for many years. Let's see if she can nail the triple axel! Oh! And she nailed it!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana spots a street hair braider and shouts 'Hair braiding!' then says 'Come on! She's black.' when Abbi resists

Ilana:'You know what it is? A touch of cultural appropriation sheds light on the matter. Whoo!'

Abbi:'I guess I thought I'd be, like, married with kids by now.' — Abbi's birthday existential crisis confession

Abbi · Ilana:'I guess it's good I have the job at Anthropologie.' / 'Yes! 'Cause, you know what? If you had kids, they'd leave you after 18 years, but Anthropologie, you might work there forever.'

Ilana:Ilana walks back the Anthropologie comment: 'you could if you wanted to 'cause you're so good at your work, but you're surely gonna become a famous artist, so it's not even an issue.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi gets clotheslined by a metal pole in the middle of the street while Ilana is filming; Ilana narrates: 'I'm sorry, I have to report that Abbi just got clotheslined by a metal pole in the middle of the street.'

Ilana · Abbi:Immediately after Abbi is clotheslined, Ilana falls entirely down a manhole — 'Yeah, I just fully fell down a manhole.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi asks 'Wait, are you still filming?' from below the street; Ilana replies 'I don't think I can climb up the ladder and film at the same time.'

Ilana:After both physical disasters, Abbi says they need to go to a doctor and Ilana says 'I'm fine! Plus we gotta walk the rest of Manhattan!'

Ilana:Ilana in a pharmacy: 'Oof! Lisa Frank, bitch! Mogul, bitch! Empire, bitch! School supplies.'

Ilana:'Oof! Lisa Frank, bitch! Mogul, bitch! Empire, bitch! School supplies.'

Abbi · Ilana:Extended silent beat of them both testing markers — Ilana: 'These are good ones.' / 'These are good markers.' — two grown women gravely evaluating drugstore markers

Abbi · Ilana:Scene cut to a birthday party for someone named Claire — 'Happy birthday, dear Claire' — clearly not their party; they've wandered in

Ilana · Shoe Store Employee:Shoe store employee suggests Ilana needs 'arch support, cushioning, breathable' — Ilana ignores all advice and tries on Skechers

Ilana:'Skechers is selling ugly Skechers.' — Ilana's verdict on the shoe selection

Ilana:'Wowee, wowee, what a steal! I'm buying these for you.' / 'Happy my birthday!'

Ilana:Credit card scene: store employee offers a Fresh Kicks credit card for $9.99 price; Ilana begins a stream-of-consciousness justification for getting it: 'adults do have more than one credit card. I should get the extra credit card. I should get it. It's not nuts for me to get another credit card.'

Ilana:'You'll pay it. Don't need to tell Dad... tell Dad about it.'

Ilana:'And then I'll get the funds from my bank account that'll be sent to you, somehow.'

Ilana:Beat after Ilana's financial plan: 'I have two credit cards.' — delivered with pride

Ilana:Ilana delivers a furious Instagram Story call-out: 'Abbi Gary Anna Abrams. One of you (BLEEP) stole Abbi's credit card information, and I think I know the loser from high school that it is, and his name rhymes SchNicholas SchPaley, okay?'

Ilana:Ilana addresses 'Abbi Gary Anna Abrams' by full government name and accuses a 'SchNicholas SchPaley' of credit card theft

Ilana:'Same thing did happen to Obama, though, so it's kind of hot.'

Ilana:'This is how no one can go to a Disney Store.' — commenting on finding a lost child

Ilana:Lost child announcement to Ilana's '213 followers': 'we just found a dope little girl, and her parents aren't here. But she's fine. She's with us, but...'

Ilana:Ilana posts to her 213 followers: 'Okay, if any of my 213 followers is in the Midtown Mall, we just found a dope little girl, and her parents aren't here. But she's fine. She's with us, but...'

Ilana · Abbi · Gadanna:'What's your name?' / 'Ga da na!' / 'Gadanna! / 'Gadanna!' / 'That is gorgeous! Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana, Gadanna!'

Ilana:'So, we're going to Security, but we're riding the escalator, which is more fun, and it gives us more time with Gadanna!'

Ilana · Abbi · Gadanna:Ilana: 'I mean, I could literally be her mom. I mean, if I was just walking around this... you know, the mall... by myself, and people saw me shopping with her, they'd be like, "That's a mom and her kid."' / Abbi: 'You're crazy!' / Ilana: 'Me?!' / Child: 'She nut.'

Gadanna · Ilana · Abbi:Gadanna begins saying 'Mommy! Mommy. Mom...' just as they reach Security — the child has been silently recognizing her mother

Ilana · Abbi:'Oh, Gadanna, you have taught us so much. / Yeah, we're really gonna miss you. / Okay, maybe we could just do, like, a double-cheek kiss.'

Abbi · Ilana · Lindsey/Cheese:The mother arrives, furious — and it's College Abbi. 'Abbi? / College Abbi.'

Ilana · Abbi · Lindsey/Cheese:'She was clearly stranded. You should keep better track of your kids.' / 'Oh, grow up, Abbi. We're 30.'

Ilana:'So, we just downloaded that story for evidence, but now, um, the rest of Manhattan! / No, I mean, what a (BLEEP) bitch. Like, what a mess. Like, we are so not pedophiles, dude.'

Ilana · Abbi:'I mean, and her name is Cheese?' / 'But it's not really Cheese.' / 'No, whatever her name is!'

Ilana:'Listen, all this girl wanted to do in college was, like, ecstasy and take group showers... ones that I never even wanted to be a part of, by the way. Even if she would have asked me, I would have never done it.'

Ilana:'And now she has a bunch of (BLEEP) kids, and she thinks she's (BLEEP) better than me? She thinks she's better than me? No! Bullshit!'

Unknown Friend (video message):Video message from someone: 'God, dude, I remember my 30s. All I had was a beeper... a frickin' beeper. Nobody had freakin' cellphones, every two minutes checking your phone. I'm so happy I didn't grow up...'

Unknown Friend (video message):'If I know my baby's poop schedule, she is just about finished.'

Abbi · Ilana:'I also saw the new butt video. / Okay, the lady doth not protest, though, so... / They're good... They're good pants for the... for the butt.'

Ilana:'It's crazy we never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge together. One day...' — said while already walking past the Brooklyn Bridge

Ilana · Abbi:'Dude! This is where the Titanic docked.' / 'Are you joking?' / 'I wasn't. I get... I see now. I mean, I just... I saw the movie. I just didn't remember.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's phone drops/breaks in the water or on the street during an exclamation — 'Holy shit. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! Oh, my God! This sucks!'

Abbi · Ilana:Solution to broken phone: they use Ilana's phone and she holds it while Abbi provides emotional support calls: 'Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it. (BLEEP) you! Everybody's laughing at you, you (BLEEP) clown!'

Lindsey/Cheese · Abbi:'If you think that I am "cuckoo caca insahno," then say it to my face.' / 'You're cuckoo caca insahno.'

Abbi · Lindsey/Cheese · Ilana:'Wait a second. Did you (BLEEP) follow us down here?' / 'Yes.' / 'How?' / 'You posted your location tags.' / 'Dur. Dur, dur.'

Lindsey/Cheese:'Running around the city with your little foibles and your little mishaps and your little shenanigans. Get over yourself!'

Ilana · Abbi · Lindsey/Cheese:'You're the one with the perfect (BLEEP) life. You're always posting photos of yourself on vacation, on beaches and stuff. / You're rich. / And you're always at cupcake and pizza parties! I never get to eat that stuff, especially not in party format!'

Ilana · Abbi · Lindsey/Cheese:'And excuse me... four children and look like this? / You look unbelievable. / Yeah. / You are literally woman magic. / So (BLEEP) you.'

Lindsey/Cheese:'My tits are down to my knees. I sleep like 90 minutes a night. I am floundering!'

Ilana · Abbi:'Okay, okay, okay. Uh, you're Cheese! You'll always be Cheese to me! / And me, 'cause I don't know your government name.'

Lindsey/Cheese:'God, social media is terrible.'

Lindsey/Cheese:'Jackson, get back in the (BLEEP) car!' — Cheese yelling at an unseen child while leaving

Abbi · Ilana:'That sucks. To be her.' / 'Jackson!' / 'Or Jackson.'

Abbi · Ilana:'It's stunning. It's gorgeous. / Jesus! / Dude, we don't have a phone. We don't... We can't record this! / No one's gonna believe that we even saw this! / I mean... I guess we could just experience it. / Ew.'

Abbi · Ilana:'That's cuckoo caca insahno, but the good kind.' / 'There's a good kind?' / 'Oh, yeah.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Look at this. Can you believe her? / Looks pretty perfect. / You know what, dude? I think I need to get off social media. / It's over between us.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Dude, me, too. Me, too, dude, because I don't really remember any of the day. / Shit. It feels like because we were filming it, it's not even our story anymore. It's like Stories' stories.' / 'Yes.'