Friendiversary

Ilana:The scavenger hunt clue is written as an earnest rhyming poem referencing pants-pissing: 'We've pissed our pants so many a time, but this place was first and thus sublime.'

Ilana:P.S. Dress cute and hot and fresh and young.

Abbi:Abbi's ecstatic reaction to discovering it's a scavenger hunt — 'Scavenger hunt!' followed by gleeful laughter — immediately after she forgot her phone and had to run back

Abbi:Abbi digging through a garbage can to find a clue, reacting with audible disgust: 'Ew...'

Ilana:The clue references 'a place you got a hickey and I was a player' — Ilana is bragging about giving Abbi a hickey within the romantic mythology of a friendship scavenger hunt clue

Stranger · Abbi:The clue is a blank piece of paper. The stranger tells Abbi: 'Put it over the fire, you dumb whore.'

Stranger · Abbi:A stranger — clearly prepped by Ilana — tells Abbi 'You know, you're a sexy little bitch.' when she arrives for a clue

Abbi:Abbi, after being called 'a sexy little bitch' by a stranger, says: 'Where does she find these fucking people?' then: 'Thank you for the information.'

Abbi · Stranger:Abbi opens a door and immediately says: 'Oh, my God! Hi! Oh... no, please, don't show me your dick! I don't wanna see another dick today!' — only to be told: 'It's a clue.'

Abbi:Abbi discovers the scavenger hunt ended at the Intrepid. 'Ha-ha-ha! The Intrepid? Beautiful. I mean, I've never... experienced anything like that. I mean, I rode a horse. I have... I didn't know that I could ride a horse.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'I did. You know me better than I know myself. Better than you know yourself.' Abbi: 'Oh! Same—' Ilana: 'Page!'

Ilana:'Funny thing is, we won't have any dreams tonight because we'll be shitting ourselves so crazy with diarrhea.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana says 'Happy Friendiversary' and Abbi's reaction is: 'Friendiversary... yeah. Ew.'

Ilana:Ilana's gift is a diamond necklace her great-grandmother Fanny Rose smuggled by repeatedly swallowing diamonds, pooping them out, sifting through the poop, and swallowing them again for the entire voyage to America.

Ilana:'It's offensive if you don't accept it. Not just to me but to Grandma Fanny Rose, may she rest in peace.'

Ilana:'It looks gorgeous. Even, like, on a T-shirt, you kinda dressed down, which I get.'

Abbi:After a dramatic, extended buildup about having researched and thought hard about Ilana's gift, Abbi reveals: 'an intensive hydrating face mask.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'You feel that I'm dry?' Abbi: 'No. I feel that you are nourishing.' Ilana: '...And that you're extremely rejuvenating for me.'

Ilana:Ilana responds to all of Abbi's skin-metaphor love-language with: 'Not mad, just informed.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi reveals she planned a big night 'on the top of the Empire State Building!' and also paid the whole bill — immediately followed by Ilana correcting her: 'No, the tradition is that we go Dutch, unless you forgot.'

Abbi:'Glad I spent 1,200 bucks getting these heads made. What? Forget it.'

Ilana · Abbi:At the Empire State Building, they find a telescope and spot a couple having 'hot sex' in a building across the way

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's response to seeing the sex: 'Oh, my God, Ilana, this is fucking disgusting.' Ilana: 'You are so prude.' Abbi: 'It's weird.' Ilana: 'No, I'm not.'

Ilana:'Two ladies? Oh, my God! You gotta see this!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi sees something alarming through the telescope and says 'What the fuck, Ilana?' — Ilana responds 'Do not be a fucking homophobe.'

Officer:Police officer responding to the witnessed 'murder': 'Cool. I'm sorry, sweethearts, there's no evidence here. Maybe you two were bored. You just need a little excitement.'

Ilana:Ilana's response to the cop's dismissiveness: 'We don't need any excitement. We were in the middle of excitement.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana debate whether they actually saw what they saw: 'I mean, we saw that, right?' 'Yeah, I mean, I think so.' — the uncertainty delivered after confidently reporting a murder to police

Abbi · Ilana:'He's got a Burton bag! Abbi. Dude. No, the body's in the bag, Ilana!'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'I mean, what are we even gonna say to him when we confront him? / Abbi: 'Yeah, we're gonna be like, we saw you kill your girlfriend, bitch!'

Ilana:Ilana describes her anti-assault strategy: 'I saw this Oprah once where this girl was about to be sexually assaulted, and then she twisted the dude's dick. I mean, that is always in the back of my mind.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi references an Oprah episode from '1998, 12th season' about a woman pissing on her attacker as a self-defense tactic.

Abbi · Ilana:They follow the murder suspect — only to discover he's entered a karaoke bar

Ilana:'What kind of sick fuck comes in here and eats dessert after he throws his fiancée out of the building? Why even get engaged if you're just gonna murder her?'

Ilana:The suspect orders milk. Ilana: 'Ugh, milk? What a fucking baby.'

Theater Employee · Ilana:'He bought tickets to Daddy's Back.' 'Jerking off at Daddy's Back after he kills his wife? Whoa!'

Abbi · Theater Employee:Theater employee confirms the movie is 1 hour 50 minutes plus '45 minutes of previews.' Abbi immediately calculates this as enough time to break into the apartment.

ticket counter person · Abbi:Movie ticket cost: 'An hour and 50 minutes.' 'Plus 45 minutes of previews.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana calls Abbi 'a cuckoo bitch' for suggesting they break into the apartment, and Abbi immediately invokes Ilana's own 'we run this city' speech as justification.

Ilana:Ilana: 'Whoa! No, bitch. You are a cuckoo bitch.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi convinces the doorman they're the suspect's nieces with an elaborate cover story including a birthday cake — 'We're his nieces. He just left a little bit ago, and we wanted to sneak into his apartment to surprise him for his birthday. See, we got a cake and everything.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Yeah, Uncle Hudson, we love him.' 'Oh, sweet Uncle Hudson. Yeah.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Jesus, white girls can get away with anything if you act dumb enough.' 'I know, right? We're lucky we look dumb.'

Doorman:The doorman watches them go and says: 'Healthy-looking hookers.'

Ilana:They enter the apartment and Ilana says: 'This was a home that... had heart.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Oh, my God. Holy shit! This is an entire accordion folder full of takeout menus.' 'You ever heard of Seamless? Insane, he probably doesn't even let her on the Internet 'cause she'll read too much.'

Ilana:'He probably doesn't even let her on the Internet 'cause she'll read too much.'

Ilana:'And all along, his blood is just boiling that she's so much hotter than he is.'

Ilana:'An entire cabinet full of cleaning supplies? She thinks that she's gonna use them to clean the toilet. Guess what. He's using them to clean up her blood.'

Ilana:'They're definitely married! Look at all her clothes! I can't stand dead women's clothes!'

Ilana:They call 911 while hiding in the closet. Ilana: 'Hey, it's Ilana.' (as if the 911 operator knows her)

Ilana:'I'm sorry, I think this is the moment that we die. This is it, this is it. My mom's gonna be so pissed.'

Abbi:Before dying, Abbi confesses: 'I want to tell you something before we die... This morning... I was the horse.'

Abbi · Ilana:The murderer enters. Abbi immediately offers herself as a sacrifice: 'No, kill me and let her go!' Ilana: 'No, Abbi, no!'

Terry · Abbi:The man asks: 'What the fuck is that smell?' Abbi responds: 'Chicken fingers from... The House of Barbecue!'

Terry:Terry reveals the 'murder victim' was actually a sex doll named Fran, and her 'sister' Lydia is also a sex doll — revealing the entire plot was a misunderstanding about sex dolls

Terry:'I didn't push her, she fell! We were making love! And honestly, it's a real design flaw, you know, how heavy they make the head.'

Terry · Abbi:Terry explains the sex doll hospital: 'That's a black market sex doll hospital.' Abbi: 'Like an American Girl doll hospital.' Terry: 'Exactly.'

Ilana · Abbi · Terry:'Then what were you doing jerking off at Daddy's Back?' 'Yeah!' 'I wasn't jerking off. I sometimes go to the movie theater and pay 30 bucks for a ticket because I enjoy the popcorn.'

Ilana:'Not that a true companion, you know, wasn't injured tonight. No.'

Ilana:'And what's the difference between Fran and your guns making you feel like men? And what's the difference between Fran and... this guy? If I rubbed him on my clit, does that make me a fucking freak?'

Ilana:Ilana says 'You said disgusting things to me.' — referring to something Abbi apparently said during a terrifying confrontation

Ilana:'Bye, Fran.' (Ilana says goodbye to the sex doll as they leave the apartment)

Terry:Terry, alone after they've left: 'Well, Fran... it really is my birthday.'

Ilana · Abbi:Someone offers a bite of something in the aftermath; Ilana says: 'Okay, Alec Baldwin. Oof. No shoes. Yeah. I feel like he gets pedicures and keeps them nice, right?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'People get fat injected to the balls of their feet to make high heels easier to wear.' Ilana: 'Ugh, gross.' Abbi: 'I know, um...'

Ilana · Abbi:'Ugh, dude. Michael Jordan. Hmm, okay. Yikes. Well, I feel like his feet would be, like, super scary. Horrifying. But so scary that I'd want to see them, so no shoes, definitely.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi confesses she forgot the Friendiversary: 'I forgot about our friendiversary. I'm sorry, I... I'm really sorry.' Ilana: 'Yeah, I know.'

Ilana:'But that doesn't mean you should die.' — Ilana's assessment of the proportionality of Abbi's crime

Abbi:Abbi doubles down on the sheet mask: 'I will say that I do really stand by those sheet masks, like, I know it's a small thing, but those are very hydrating... it's just a great product overall, I think, in my opinion.'

Abbi:Abbi's defense of the sheet masks: 'I will say that I do really stand by those sheet masks, like, I know it's a small thing, but those are very hydrating. It's just a great product overall, I think, in my opinion.'

Ilana:'All the witch energy we have soaked up from this city.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Also, okay, let's just say that that dude had murdered his wife tonight. Right. And let's just say that she was a human. Yes. I mean, we would have solved a fucking murder mystery tonight.'

Ilana · Abbi:'How are we not magic? You tell me, 'cause I don't know. You can't tell me. You don't know!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi starts to confess 'I was the horse' again — Ilana immediately: 'Forget it! Forget it! Forget it. Forget it.'