The Soul Mate

Jerry:You know what I've realized? Biting your nails is actually an achievement. You're using your teeth as a tool. I mean, think about it — you're replacing a nail clipper with your mouth. That's not a bad habit, that's innovation. I'm not nervous, I'm just ahead of my time.

Kramer:That's incredible! You know, most people just use nail clippers like a mental patient, but you... you've developed an elegant device.

Jerry:You know what they use for weapons in prison? Nail clippers. A nail clipper can be a very dangerous weapon.

George:A nail clipper?

Jerry:Oh yeah. You clip someone, you could really hurt them. You could take out an eye.

George:I never thought about that.

Jerry:Especially a toenail. A toenail could be very dangerous. You file it down to a point, you sharpen it up, you got yourself a nice little shiv.

George:You know, I'd like to go to prison someday.

George:Flavman. He's a poet.

George:Very powerful stuff. Very moving.

George:What? What did I do? I didn't do anything! Why are you looking at me like that? Oh my God, you think I did something. You do! You think I'm involved in something. I can see it in your face. What happened? Someone got hurt? Did someone get hurt?

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, someone's trying to kill me. It all adds up.

Jerry:George, you're being ridiculous. Why would anyone want to kill you?

George:Because I know too much. I've seen things.

Jerry:The only thing you've seen is the inside of a coffee cup. Relax. Don't worry, baby. Don't worry, baby.

Jerry:I want to be gaga over someone. You know what I mean? I want to be completely irrational and obsessed. I want to think about them when I'm supposed to be doing other things. I want to rearrange my entire life around seeing them.

Jerry:Why is everyone having babies? What's going on?

George:It's instinct. We're programmed to reproduce.

Jerry:Oh, that's great. So we're just like animals.

Jerry:You know what's weird about babies? Their parents think their poop smells good. I'm not kidding. You ever notice that? A baby poops, and the parent goes, 'Oh, what a beautiful smell!' No, it doesn't. It smells like poop. It smells like a diaper explosion at a sewage treatment plant. But the parent is like, 'Mmm, that's my baby's poop. That's the best poop I've ever smelled.'

Elaine:I like the city.

Carol:New York is a toilet.

Jerry:So, uh, you guys have any fish? I've been thinking about getting a fish.

George:I need to know what people are saying about me. About Susan.

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:I'm gonna set up a surveillance operation. I'll get Kramer to follow people, listen in on conversations at Monk's.

Jerry:You're going to have Kramer spy on people?

George:He's perfect for it. Nobody suspects Kramer of anything because he's already insane.

Jerry:This is the worst idea you've ever had.

George:I'll wear a disguise. A fake mustache. Maybe a different shirt.

Kramer:You're working in a bookstore? Jerry, these books, they're dangerous. People come in, they don't know what they're looking for, they just browse. They read the first few pages, they get hooked, they buy the book. It's a slippery slope.

Jerry:Kramer, it's a bookstore.

Kramer:Exactly! That's what they want you to think.

Kramer:I'm in trouble.

Jerry:What kind of trouble?

Kramer:I'm falling for Elaine.

Kramer:She's got a delicate beauty, you know? It's like... you could just bludgeon her and she'd still look delicate.

Newman:There's a soulmate out there for everyone. Someone perfect, meant just for you. And when you find them, you know it.

Newman:Oh, winsome tulip of my heart! Your petals unfold like the secrets of the universe. I am but a humble bee, drawn to your intoxicating nectar.

Newman:Without you, the sun dims, the stars fade, and all of creation weeps at the vastness of my loneliness.

Kramer:Yeah, well, my problems are worse than yours.

Newman:How could your problems possibly be worse than mine?

Kramer:I'm living with a coffee table that has a sinkhole in the middle of it.

Kramer:It's a primal urge, it's nature. We're supposed to procreate.

Jerry:Oh, so you're saying men are just slaves to their biological impulses?

Kramer:That's right. We can't help it. It's in our DNA.

Jerry:So what you're telling me is when you see an attractive woman, you're like some kind of animal?

Kramer:Exactly! The male of the species must attract a mate. He displays his plumage, he struts about, he does a little dance...

Jerry:You're doing the dance right now, aren't you?

Kramer:It's instinctual!

Elaine:I'm not a mollusk.

Jerry:Having a baby is easy. It's like the easiest thing in the world.

George:What are you talking about? It's not easy.

Jerry:No, it's the easiest thing. Everybody's doing it. It's like the most popular thing right now.

Kramer:Yeah, it's like the new thing.

Jerry:Exactly. It's like a trend. Everyone's having babies. It's so overdone.

George:I wish it was me instead of her. I wish I had died instead of Susan.

George:My briefcase!

Kramer:You know, when you're going through a rough time, sometimes you need a little comfort food.

Kramer:A double-fudge sundae, some ice cream... it helps ease the pain.

Kramer:So I figure, Jerry bombs on stage, he comes home, we share a sundae together.

Kramer:That's what friends do.

Kramer:Jerry, remember what you said about Pam? You said she's not 'girlfriend material.' Those were your exact words.

Jerry:I never said that.

Kramer:You absolutely did. So why are you even trying?

George Costanza:My nails? What's wrong with my nails?

Jerry Seinfeld:According to the tape, you bite your nails down to nothing. They said your fingers look like little Vienna sausages.

George Costanza:That's not fair. I only do it when I'm nervous.

Kramer:George, you're always nervous.

Foundation member:What?! Did you see that?!

George:What do you mean it doesn't concern me? Everything concerns me.

George:If it's happening on Earth, I'm involved.

Kramer:Pam, I love you.

Pam:Kramer, you're driving me up the wall.

Kramer:Okay, I'll get the car.

Jerry:Pam? What's wrong with Pam? Pam is a good name. Pam... Pam. Yeah, I like Pam. Pam's a great name. Why didn't I think of Pam before? Pam!

Kramer:She's got it all. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's got great hair...

Kramer:All she needs is a little barrette and maybe some highlights, and she'd be perfect.

George:You see, what we're dealing with here is a clear case of acoustic displacement coupled with molecular friction variance. The briefcase, when struck at that particular angle, creates what I call a 'metallic resonance echo' — it's basic physics really. The sound you heard wasn't just a sound, it was a symphony of compressed air molecules colliding with the leather exterior, which then bounces back at precisely forty-seven degrees, creating what the scientific community refers to as a 'Costanza reverb effect.'

George:The only way to stop them is to create a diversion. I'm thinking we leak false information to the press, hire someone to pose as me, maybe fake my own death...

Jerry:Or you could just... ask them to stop.

George:...What?

Jerry:Ask them. To stop.

Jerry:What, you and Kevin have a common goal? What is it, to remain childless and die alone?

Jerry:Men will say anything to women. We don't care. We have no shame. I could be talking to a beautiful woman at a party and I could just make something up out of thin air. She'd be standing there and I'd go, 'Yeah, I invented the quiet car.'

George:Yeah, I think we're onto something here. I mean, look at me, I'm wearing a bra.

Jerry:What?

George:Well, not right now, but I have before. Women love that sensitivity thing.

Kramer:I told her I loved spending time with her family.

Newman:I can help you with Pam. Together, we'll be a perfect beast.

Kramer:A perfect beast?

Newman:You and me, working as one. Unstoppable.

Newman:You know, people complain about junk mail. But to me, junk mail is just mail. It's all equal in my eyes. A letter from the IRS, a coupon for olive loaf - they're the same thing to me. I deliver it all with the same respect.

Newman:Your eyes are like two pools of liquid moonlight, swimming in a sea of stars. Your hair cascades like a waterfall of silk, tumbling down the mountains of your shoulders. You are a symphony of beauty, a masterpiece painted by the hands of angels.

Newman:This is a poem by an unknown poet.

Newman:I wrote it myself.

Elaine:You really don't want kids?

Kevin:I'm telling you, I don't want kids. I never have.

Elaine:But how do I know you're serious?

Kevin:I'll prove it to you right now.

Kevin:I'm going to get a vasectomy this afternoon.

Jerry:Hey, nice barrette. Where'd you get that?

Pam:Oh, Kramer suggested it. He said it really brings out my eyes.

Jerry:Kramer? Kramer gave you fashion advice?

Pam:Yeah, why? What's wrong with that?

Jerry:Nothing, nothing. It's just... that's like taking cooking tips from a smoke detector.

Newman:Your audience? They're not an audience, Jerry. They're a hostage situation. You stand up there with your little observational humor about airline peanuts, and they're trapped in their seats, forced to laugh at your mediocrity like prisoners of war. I've seen more genuine emotion at a DMV.

Kevin:I bought this expensive thing on impulse. Now it's just sitting there gathering dust.

Elaine:I know, I've done impulsive things too. Like one time I just decided to get bangs. Just walked into a salon and said 'Give me bangs!' Worst decision of my life. It took like six months to grow them out.

Jerry:Why don't you just use real people?

George:You know, I've been thinking about this. It's like an onion, right? You peel back one layer, and there's another layer underneath. But here's the thing - when you peel an onion, it stinks. The whole thing stinks. So what's the point of peeling it?

George · Kramer · Jerry:I hear three distinct sounds: A low rumple, followed by a metallic squink... Yes, yes, I heard the squink. ...followed by a mysterious galonk.

Jerry:What about me? Don't I get a soul mate? I've been a good person. I recycle, I give to charity, I hold doors open for people. Where's my soul mate?

Jerry:I'm just as deserving as Kramer. Maybe more deserving. Kramer lives on my couch!

Jerry:Me? A father? Newman, I can't even keep a plant alive. Last week I forgot to water it and it started a support group.

Jerry:I'm not equipped for this. I can barely take care of myself. Do you know how many times I've worn the same shirt in a row?

Jerry:A kid needs stability, consistency, someone who knows what they're doing. I once spent twenty minutes trying to open a jar of pickles.

Jerry:No, no, no. This is not happening. Find someone else. Find George. Find Kramer. Find literally anyone but me.

George:You see, I have evidence. I have a whole catalog of sounds. There's the 'schlep' sound, the 'kvetch' sound, the 'putz' sound, and my personal favorite - the 'giddy-up' sound combined with a little whistle. And then there's the ultimate sound - the sound of complete and utter failure!

George:I've been thinking about this all wrong. I've constructed this entire elaborate theory, and the answer is right in front of me.

George:It's simple. It's... it's just the obvious explanation.

George:I hate when that happens.

Elaine:You're both getting vasectomies?

Jerry:Yeah, we figured we'd do it together. Make it a whole thing.

Kramer:It's like a buddy system. We're in this together.

Elaine:That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Jerry:What? It's practical.

Kramer:We can carpool to the doctor.

Elaine:He had a vasectomy to prove his commitment, and now he's reversing it immediately.

George:I didn't kill Susan!

Foundation Member 1:Of course you did.

Foundation Member 2:It's obvious.

Foundation Member 3:You're guilty.

George:I once told a woman I don't eat cake because it goes right to my thighs.

Kramer:Once told a woman I enjoy spending time with my family.

Newman:Your looks and my words will have built the perfect beast.

Kramer · Newman · Pam:Do I smell Pantene? — Pantene! — Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, yeah, you know, it is Pantene. I got a free sample of it in with my junk mail. — There really is no junk mail.

Newman · Kramer:It requires just as much manpower to deliver as their precious cards and... Newman. What? Human. Human. It's human to be moved by a fragrance.

Newman · Kramer:Her bouquet cleaved his hardened... Shell. — Shell. And fondled his muscled heart / He imbibed her glistening spell / Just before the other shoe fell.

Elaine · Kramer:Kramer, that is so lovely. It's by an unknown 20th century poet. — Oh, what's his name? — Newman.

Kevin · Elaine:Elaine, you changed my life. Oh, Kevin, you can go on and on about how you don't want kids and it sounds really nice, but the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.

Kevin · Elaine:I got a vasectomy this morning. — Although, I have a hunch you mean it.

Kramer:I just came by to tell you I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy.

Kramer:A velvet scrunchie. [Kramer sees Pam wearing a velvet scrunchie — presumably the one he recommended — and is overcome]

Jerry:Kramer.

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman. — Hello, Jerry. — How's Pam? — Pam? What do you care?

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman. / Hello, Jerry. / How's Pam? / Pam? What do you care?

Newman · Jerry:Steady, Jerry. Steady. Wouldn't wanna lose your cool at a time like this. — Why not? — Because right now, I'm the only chance you've got.

Jerry · Newman:I can't believe I'm losing Pam. — I know how you feel, for I too have a woman for whom I pine. — I thought we were talking about me. — Right.

Newman:Oh, don't you, joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused, nightclub rabble that lap up your inane 'observations'?

Jerry · Newman:Well, I know she doesn't wanna have kids. — I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it. — I know. I don't want... kids.

Elaine · Kevin:What was that? — Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is 100 percent. — This is.

Kevin:Like last summer, I'm watching TV and I saw one of those jet skis. Four thousand dollars later, and it's sitting in my garage.

Kevin:Like last summer, I'm watching TV and I saw one of those jet skis. Four thousand dollars later, and it's sitting in my garage.

Elaine:Once for, like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time.

Elaine · Kevin:Sometimes I think I do want kids, maybe a lot of kids. — Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short. Yeah, I think I like short hair, really short.

George · Jerry:This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. One-fourteenth scale. — When did you build this thing? — Yesterday. Took the day off.

Jerry · George:Wait. That's you? — Yeah. — I think the M&M should be you.

George · Jerry:I believe that I'm about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which... — Hold it. You're right. I'm not ready.

George:I'm not through here, Jerry. I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.

Pam · Jerry:We were just playing. — Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today. Well, the thing is I... I think I have a little crush on him.

Pam:Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today. Well, the thing is I...I think I have a little crush on him.

Kramer:I'm so happy. My world suddenly has meaning.

Jerry · Pam · Kramer:This is the man you have a crush on? — Well, I have feelings for both of you. — You have feelings for him? We're soul mates. — Why can't I be a soul mate?

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry, you really think Pam would want you to be the father of her children? — Children? Who said anything about children? I don't wanna have children.

George:There are people in this room who would've been very happy to never see this briefcase again.

George:There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain... and this tape recorder.

Wyck:George, Quinn here was moving a chair. He lost his balance and dropped it. It must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder.

George · Wyck:The truth must be heard. — Hey, what are you doing? — Dear God!

George:That's all there was... and yet it speaks volumes.

George:All right then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.

George:All right then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.

Kevin · Jerry · Kramer:What are you guys doing here? — We're getting vasectomies. — Why? — I'm doing it for you.

Kevin · Elaine · Jerry · Kramer:What did you do to your hair? — I cut it. — It's a little short. — You think? — What are you doing here? — Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed. — Reversed? — Reversed?

Elaine · Kevin's companion · Jerry · Kramer:What are you doing here? — Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed. — Reversed? — Reversed?

Foundation Member · Kramer:He imbibed her glistening spell / Just before the other shoe fell. — Is that a Keats poem? — No, it's a Newman.

Wyck · Foundation Members · Foundation Member 2:Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan? — Oh, yeah, I just assumed he murdered her. — Of course he killed her. — So it's not just me then.