Moiras Nudes

Johnny:Did you see that? We exited at the exact same time! What are the odds? This is incredible. This is fate. This is the most extraordinary thing that's ever happened to me.

Alexis:Oh my God, is that... David? In a car? David, you're driving?

David:Yes, Alexis, I'm driving. It's a car. I operate it.

Alexis:I know what a car is. I'm just shocked that you know how to drive one.

David:I didn't get a nice car. I got a car. It's functional. It has wheels and an engine, and it does what a car is supposed to do.

Johnny:Well, it's a very nice car, David.

David:It's not nice! It's beige! It's aggressively beige. And the interior smells like a wet dog that's been left in the sun.

Alexis:Can I borrow your car?

David:It's not my car, Alexis. It's the family car.

Alexis:Right, so I can borrow it.

David:No. It's the family car, which means it belongs to all of us, which means it belongs to none of us.

Alexis:Dad, I have to say, you're looking a little... rough around the edges these days.

Johnny:Well, Alexis, when you're rebuilding a business empire from the ground up, grooming takes a backseat.

Alexis:I get that, but you look like you're about to ask me for spare change.

Johnny:That's actually not far off from where we started, so I'll take it as progress.

Johnny:Could you just add that to our tab?

Twyla:Of course, Mr. Rose. Although, I should mention your tab is now at $4,000.

Johnny:Well, we'll pay it eventually.

Twyla:Yes, I'm sure you will. In about... never.

Johnny:We need to start thinking about our liquid assets and diversifying our portfolio.

Alexis:Oh my god, finally! I've been diversifying my portfolio since I was sixteen.

Johnny:Well, we've lost everything. Our entire fortune is gone.

Moira:Not everything, darling. I still have my wigs.

Johnny:Yes, Moira. Your wigs. The $47,000 collection of wigs.

Moira:No, no, no. I couldn't possibly. I don't know how to use a computer. I've never touched one in my life.

Moira:Well, I mean, I've touched one, but not in a way that would be helpful to anyone.

Moira:I once sat on one at a gala in Monaco. Does that count?

David:Why are you looking for compromising photos of my mother?

Stevie:I'm not looking for compromising photos. I'm just seeing what comes up when you search her name online.

David:And?

Stevie:Well, there's this headline: 'Local Woman's Suspicious Connections to Multiple Criminal Enterprises.'

David:That's just from her time in the entertainment industry.

Moira:Oh, Phil Spector. Yes, we met at a charity gala in the '80s. He was very charming, very talented. We danced, had cocktails. I had no idea about any of that other business. I just remember thinking he had wonderful hands for a murderer— I mean, for a musician.

Alexis:You know, I've never had a pimple in my life. I think it's because I've always had really good skincare, but also just like, really good genes. My dermatologist in New York said I had the skin of a teenager, and I was like, 'Well, I am a teenager,' but he was like, 'No, like a really, really good-looking teenager.'

David:Oh my God. Did that just fall on the floor? This floor hasn't been cleaned since the Carter administration. I'm not putting that back on my face. I'd probably get some sort of flesh-eating disease.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, that's from living in a motel room. You're breaking out from the stress of it all.

Moira:I need help finding some nude photos of myself.

David:Why would you need help finding photos of yourself?

Moira:Because they're not of me, they're of someone who looks like me, and I need to find them before they surface.

Moira:It's like looking for a needle in a haystack, except the needle is my body and the haystack is the entire internet.

Moira:There are nude photos of me online.

Alexis:Well, there are nude photos of me online too, so...

David:I'm not looking for my mother's nude photos. I'm trying to find pictures of her in a context where she's fully clothed and making a sensible life choice.

Moira:I think we've reached that awkward parent/child moment.

David:I think we reached that about fifteen years ago, and we've just been living in it ever since.

David:Mom, what are these search terms? 'Ethereal goddess in repose'? 'Transcendent form suspended in time'?

Moira:Well, I'm not going to search for 'naked pictures of me.' That's vulgar.

Moira:I don't understand. Where are the nudes? Every other semi-relevant public figure has at least one compromising photo circulating on the internet. Where are mine?

Twyla:My uncle lost his arm in a workplace accident, and he couldn't afford the medical bills, so now he has a lot of debt.

Twyla:But at least he doesn't have to worry about paying for two sleeves anymore.

Alexis:Oh my God, yes, I would love a smoothie. You know, when we were poor, we couldn't afford smoothies. We had to blend our own fruit, which sounds nice, but we didn't have a blender. So we just... mashed it with our hands. In a cup. It was basically just... sad juice.

Ted:So I'd like to offer you a position at the firm. It would be part-time, flexible hours.

Alexis:Oh my god, yes! I would love a position. Like, what kind of position are we talking about? Because I'm very flexible, but I do have a bad back.

Ted:No, I mean the job would have flexible hours. You'd be working in the office.

Alexis:Right, okay, but like, would I have my own office? Because I need a space where I can really express myself, and honestly, fluorescent lighting is very aging.

Johnny:I have to get rides from my own son.

David:Well, yes. That's what happens when you don't have a driver's license or a car.

Johnny:I remember driving you to all your lessons when you were a kid.

David:I was 11.

David:I'm not giving you money. Do you know how many times I've had to Google myself to make sure there aren't any nude photos of me on the internet?

Johnny:Come here, let me give you a hug.

David:Dad, we're in a car.

Johnny:So? I can hug my son in a car.

David:There's a seatbelt, and a steering wheel, and—

Johnny:I don't care. Come here.

Ted:Do you have any typing skills?

Alexis:Um, I text all the time.

Ted:That's not really the same thing.

Alexis:I use my thumbs, so technically I'm typing with twice as many fingers as most people.

Interviewer:So tell me about a time you demonstrated leadership.

Alexis:Um, well, I was definitely a trendsetter. Like, I was the first person in my friend group to get a certain designer bag, and then everyone else got it. So I guess you could say I'm a leader?

Interviewer:That's... not really what we mean by leadership.

Alexis:Oh! Well, as I told InStyle magazine in 2009, 'I go where fashion takes me.' And people really do follow my lead. So...

Moira:Well, I found several photos of myself online that I don't remember taking. One of them describes me as 'an aging glamour-pusher with a tenuous grasp on reality.'

Stevie:Are these... nude photos of you?

Moira:Those are not nudes, Stevie. They are artistic renderings of the female form. And yes, they are me, but they have been heavily photoshopped. My waist has been narrowed, my décolletage has been enhanced, and my skin has been smoothed to an airbrushed perfection that would make a Barbie doll weep with envy.

Moira:I simply took a photo of myself, and used a photo editing application to enhance my features.

Stevie:So you catfished yourself?

Moira:Well, this is depressing. I've searched through decades of photographs and I haven't found a single one where I look even remotely presentable.

Moira:Do you know what this means? I'm going to have to use a photo from the '80s. The '80s, David!

Moira:I think... I think I'm experiencing regret for the first time in my life.

Moira:I had the most exquisite décolletage in those photos. And my derrière was positively Rubenesque. The lighting really accentuated my... how do I put this delicately... my feminine landscape.

Moira:You know, Stevie, I've learned that life is about embracing your flaws. I mean, look at me — I've had more failed business ventures than successful ones, my marriages have a higher turnover rate than a fast-casual restaurant, and my wigs alone could populate a small country. But do I let that stop me? Well, yes, frequently. But the point is, I'm still here, still fabulous, still wearing last season's Valentino like it's couture.

Moira:The implication that children searching for their parents' nude photos is normal

Johnny:I can't get any money out of this thing.

David:It's not a 'thing,' it's an automated teller machine.

David:Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for backing away. That really helped. I feel so much better now knowing that you're standing three feet away from me instead of four feet away.

David:Well, yes, it's broken. But more importantly, your sign says 'ATM Machine.' That's redundant. It's either an ATM or an automated teller machine. You don't say 'ATM Machine' any more than you'd say 'PIN number' or 'LCD display.' It's excessive and frankly, it's lazy.

Johnny Rose:I spoke with one of your tellers about this yesterday.

Bank Teller:No, you didn't.

David:We've lost everything. Our entire fortune. Gone. But we're not giving up. We're going to rebuild. From nothing. Which is actually... quite noble when you think about it. We're like pioneers. Except without the skills. Or the land. Or any idea what we're doing.

David:I'm going to need you to do something for me. And I'm going to need you to do it without asking questions, without hesitation, and without making me feel like I'm asking for something unreasonable.

David:I need you to process this transaction in a way that is... expedient. Because I have had a very difficult day, and I am not in the emotional space to deal with any sort of bureaucratic pushback.

David:You seem like a kind person. I can tell by the way you're looking at me with what I can only assume is pity. And I'm going to choose to believe that you are someone who helps people. So please, help me.

David:My PIN is 1-2-3-4.

Bank Teller:Sir, you shouldn't say that out loud.

David:Why not? It's my PIN.

Bank Teller:Because now everyone in the bank knows it.

David:Well, it's a good thing I have such a distinctive voice then.

David:Oh, well if Ted's offering you a job, you should absolutely take it. A man who once thought a white fanny pack was appropriate business attire is really the gold standard for professional judgment.

Alexis:I went through a proper interview.

Alexis:I didn't answer most of the questions.

Johnny:Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God! Do you know what this is? Do you have any idea what I'm holding right now?

Moira:A button?

Johnny:Not just *a* button. This is the button from my Italian suit. The one I wore to the Gala in '94. I've been looking for this for twenty-three years!

David:Dad, you don't even own that suit anymore.

Johnny:That's beside the point. This is a win, David. In a sea of losses, this is a win. I'm going to frame it.

Alexis:I got you a card.

Johnny:Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Alexis:It's a condolence card, but I wrote 'financial support' on the inside.

Johnny:That's... that's very sweet, but also deeply depressing.

Johnny:What is this? There's nothing in here.

Alexis:It's a sympathy card.

Johnny:A sympathy card? For what?

Alexis:For your financial situation.

Alexis:David, he's your father. You have to hug him.

David:I don't have to do anything.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, what is wrong with you? He's been nothing but supportive of you and your business.

Alexis:He literally bought you that store.

David:I'm aware.

Alexis:And he did it with love. Unlike my gift, which was clearly a mistake because it's a scarf from a store that no longer exists.

Moira:Well, that's wonderful, Johnny. Though I do think you're overlooking the fact that I carried both of those children for nine months each, endured two very difficult deliveries, and have spent the better part of two decades trying to keep them from embarrassing themselves in public. So while I'm thrilled that you've noticed their accomplishments, I think we can all agree that my contribution has been somewhat more substantial.

Moira:Oh my God, look at me. I was a vision. I need to post this immediately.

David:Mom, didn't you just say you were concerned about your privacy online?

Moira:Yes, but that was before I saw my body.