Couples Discount

Jim:Jim explains he got on his hands and knees begging partners to switch a Tuesday for a Thursday, then says 'Alakazam' — and then immediately reveals they need an extra day next week.

Erin:'And poof, he disappears.' Erin's talking-head confessional where she immediately pivots from Jim and Pam's romantic moment to announcing she's breaking up with Andy.

Jim:Jim's talking-head comparing Erin wanting to do 'whatever he'd like' before the Andy breakup to his childhood dog who got sent to a farm — 'on his last day, we did everything he loved.'

Jim · Erin:Jim immediately asking 'Wanna play catch in the parking lot?' after the dying-dog speech, and Erin cheerfully agreeing.

Dwight:Dwight talking to a pretend 'Andy' — his imagination — and doing a nonsense voice ('Rink-a-dit doo, rika-doot-deet doo') to represent Andy's response, then saying 'I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to.'

Kevin:'Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge, so I've been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It's been yummy. But now Andy's coming back. So, I guess it's good-bye, chunky lemon milk.'

Oscar:'I wish Andy had stayed on his trip. I say we all have one last fun, boss-less day.'

Meredith:Meredith suggests they 'get some booze and some cocaine and just blow it out, no consequences' for their last boss-less day.

Phyllis:Phyllis describes the couples discount at the mini-mall, then adds: 'if you don't have one of those, you can probably just bring whoever it is you use to kill your loneliness.'

Stanley · Phyllis:Stanley offers to pretend to be Phyllis's husband, then adds: 'I'm already sick of you, so it'll seem realistic.'

Phyllis:Phyllis mentions the nail salon uses 'a watch repair kit' on her feet.

Oscar:Oscar says 'I'll be your foot buddy' to Phyllis with genuine excitement about the nail salon.

Clark · Angela:Clark agrees to be Angela's fake boyfriend for the couples discount: 'That's what I do.' — delivered as a weary statement of his role in the office.

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin awkwardly asks Darryl to pretend to be a couple for the discount. Darryl flatly says 'No.' Then immediately says 'Yes. Yes. Why wouldn't I?'

Kevin · Darryl:Kevin tries to coach Darryl on pretending to be gay; Darryl snaps 'Stop talking about it. I said I'm fine with it.' Then they both look at the chocolates and simultaneously agree they're terrible.

Jim · Pam:Jim's talking-head: Brian made a lunch reservation at State Street Grill. Pam: 'Oh my God, that's so romantic.' Jim: 'It's with Brian and Alyssa.' Pam: 'Oh my God, that's less romantic.'

Nail Salon Worker · Phyllis:Nail salon worker recognizes Phyllis ('Oh, tiny foot lady is back') and gets excited, calling for the baby clipper.

Nail Salon Worker · Clark · Angela:The nail salon worker tells Clark to take off his glasses. After he does, she declares: 'Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.'

Nail Salon Worker · Clark:Worker escalates: 'And you know what? I think you are developing. We should go and get you a training bra.'

Angela · Clark · Nail Salon Worker:Angela and Clark are caught in their fake relationship ruse. The worker revokes the discount: 'Full price.' Angela protests — worker: 'Shush!' Angela's talking-head: 'Turns out I can't even be in a pretend relationship.'

Nail Salon Worker · Clark:Oh, you guys both think this is funny? Well, you know what? No more discount. Full price.

Darryl · Kevin · Nail Salon Worker:Darryl and Kevin attempt to claim the couples discount. Worker: 'No discount for two men. Two men are not a couple.' Darryl: 'We are together, romantically.' Worker flatly refuses.

Darryl:Darryl's speech to the nail salon worker: 'Him and me, all right, we are crazy in love. More in love than your small mind can comprehend. And we have two disposable incomes and no kids, and we're taking our business elsewhere.'

Jim · Pam · Brian:Jim and Pam arrive at the restaurant. Brian: 'Sorry we're late.' Brian: 'Oh, uh, no problem. I finished all the bread.'

Jim · Brian:Jim suggests Brian could 'boom his whole life' for Jim's deaf father-in-law, then asks 'Does he pay well?'

Brian · Dwight:Brian reveals Alyssa isn't coming, then: 'Actually, we're not gonna make it.' — then cut to Dwight presenting another sales order to imaginary Andy.

Dwight:Why, thank you, Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. — You're a God. — Rink-a-dink, deet, deet, doo.

Dwight · Andy:Andy walks in. Dwight says 'You're back.' Beat. 'And you're disgusting.'

Office Worker:Unnamed worker: 'Oh geez, my nails aren't dry yet. I don't think I can work for at least a couple hours.'

Andy:Andy's entrance: 'Well, well, well, look who it is. Andy. I guess I can cancel my order from zappos.com because, oh, the loafers have arrived.'

Andy:Andy plays bembe drums and sings 'Yoruba yoruba / aruba yoruba' while wearing what sounds like island-influenced clothing, and tells Erin to 'clop the cloppers.'

Pete:Pete's line to Andy: 'Hey, burning man, if it's not selling out too much, you might wanna throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.'

Andy · Nellie:Andy insists Wallace knows about the three-month absence. Nellie: 'Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?' Andy: 'I have no idea. I don't know what he knows or doesn't know.' Then: 'It's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks and Caicos, people. It's in every bembe cafe.'

Andy:It's not hard to get high-speed internet in Turks and Caicos, people. It's in every bembe cafe.

Andy · Dwight:Andy asks where Jim is. Told he's at Valentine's lunch. 'For two hours, really?' — Dwight: 'So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work. If the shoe fits...'

Dwight:So, you're concerned about peoples' long absence from their place of work.

Andy · Jim:Andy plays bembe in the background while Jim makes his dry observation — the musical percussion punctuating the uncomfortable moment.

Jim · Pam · Brian:Jim and Pam's awkward lunch with Brian — extended scene of them sitting with his relationship news. Jim's reaction beat: staring, processing, not knowing what to say.

Brian · Jim:Brian: 'We have to find a different way to communicate other than breaking down in front of each other.' Then adds: 'At least my crying won't get you fired.'

Andy · Dwight:Andy demands Dwight say 'coolio.' Dwight refuses. Andy escalates, saying it repeatedly. Dwight: 'Not a word.'

Andy · Jan:Andy calls Jan to 'clear up' the Scranton White Pages deal. He says 'coolio' to Jan mid-call while the deal collapses.

Andy · Clark · Jan:Jan invokes her 30-day exit clause and cancels the contract. Andy pleads: 'Jan, please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.' Clark, on the phone: 'Jan, I don't know what he's talking about, but--'

Andy:Andy: 'That was not... how I had hoped that would go.'

Andy:Andy breezes back into the bullpen: 'Hey everybody. Great job. Listen, we're a smidge behind on my paychecks.'

Oscar · Andy:Oscar deadpans: 'Yes, well, as you know, we get paid on Fridays. And you haven't been here for 12 Fridays.'

Kevin · Office Staff · Andy:Wallace gives Andy a bonus check. Kevin specifies: 'Quarter's three months. That's how long you've been gone.' Multiple people in the office say 'Mm-hmm' in unison.

Dwight:Dwight's talking-head: 'Two seconds of the turd dog, and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen. Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that sale from Jan? I mean, I went all out. All out. I mean like everything was out the whole week.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'He just waltzes back in here like he owns the chunky lemon milk.'

Dwight:Dwight's 'boy who cried wolf' speech: 'I'd like to rat out Andy, but unfortunately I have a bit of a boy who cried wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except instead of a boy I'm a man, and instead of a wolf I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.'

Andy:Andy re-enters the bullpen playing bembe: 'What's going on in here, dirty players? Let's get back to bustin' some paper rhymes. Come on.' He plays the drums again.

Andy:Cut to Andy saying 'It's Andy.' — apparently playing/singing a riff on the 'Who's that girl?' pop song about himself.

Jim:I guess I just feel like a chump... who knows less about his marriage than the sound guy.

Jim:Jim's sarcastic 'Yeah, well, yeah, okay. Well, then thank you. Thanks to both of you.' — directed at Pam and implicitly at Brian, after Pam explains she didn't share her crying because she didn't want to stress Jim out.

Andy · Nellie:Andy asks Nellie to brief him on highlights. Nellie mentions the Scranton White Pages. Andy: 'Not helpful. Let's stay positive, people.'

Andy:Andy tells Wallace they were having a 'weekly round table where we motivate each other — I get as much out of it as they do.'

Andy:We were just having our weekly round table where we motivate each other. I'm not gonna lie -- I get as much out of it as they do.

Kevin · Andy:Kevin tells Andy about Pam's mural fire: 'Lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.' Andy, confused: 'There was a fire in the warehouse? The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.'

Kevin · Wallace:Kevin reveals Kathy Ireland is now the 'official spokesbabe of Dunder Mifflin' — topless on European billboards. Wallace: 'Go, Kathy. She's like 50.' Kevin: 'They're tasteful.'

Andy · Dwight · Wallace:And who knew the balloon game would be so lucrative? And thank God, right? We needed the income after the fire. — What fire? — The warehouse fire. Weren't you just down there? — It looked fine to me.

Andy · Wallace:Andy tells Wallace 'Think you'll agree I explained that pretty well' after his incoherent fire metaphor speech. Wallace: '[pause] Okay.'

Andy · Erin:Andy and Erin's breakup scene: Andy insists on the relationship using fishing metaphors. 'Really playing the scales, huh?' Erin: 'I don't know, it just sort of sounds like noise to me now.' Andy: 'You think I need a new fish?'

Erin · Andy:Erin: 'I don't love you anymore.' Andy: '[pause] What?' Erin: 'I still like you.'

Andy:Andy: 'You re-tweeted me a lot, to be fair.'

Andy:Andy's breakup logic: 'My parents lasted 30, 40 years. They were never happy at the same time.'

Andy · Erin:Andy: 'I mean, what do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years, if we're lucky? I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun. You got really sunburned.' Erin: 'I'm gonna be a prune in like three years.'

Andy · Erin:What do we have left? 35, maybe 40 years, if we're lucky? I mean, I have spent a lot of time in the sun. You got really sunburned. — I'm gonna be a prune in like three years.

Andy:Andy: 'I know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference. So I'll feel good.'

Jim · Pam:Jim suggests canceling the wine night: 'I just feel like I got a bunch of stuff to do in Philly, and I'm sure you have stuff to do, so we can just...' Pam: 'Drop me at the bus station?'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'I just feel like we're gonna fight.' Pam: 'Yeah.' Jim: 'So, how 'bout let's not?' Pam: 'Okay.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'I don't think you should go to Philly tonight. I think you should stay, and I think we should fight.' Pam: 'You really want to fight on Valentine's Day?' Jim: 'Yeah, I do.' Beat. 'Okay. All right, put your dukes up, Beesly.'

Erin · Pete:Erin comes to Pete after failing to break up with Andy. Pete: 'Oh.' Erin: 'I'm sorry.' Pete: 'Oh, you don't have to apologize. I just — I just want you to be happy, okay?'

Erin:We're breaking up. And just so you know, I was worried that you were dead. You were gone for three months.

Wallace · Andy:Wallace appears from around the corner: 'Andy? David. Still here. What was that about three months?'