Vandalism

Erin · Coworker:Have you seen Darryl? / He's around here, somewhere. / So is Santa Claus. / It's just a regular Thursday. / Neither guy is here. / And it's Friday.

Erin:Welcome to me and Darryl's World of Lies.

Erin · Darryl:Darryl, meet Bear-yl. / How much did you pay for that? / Nothing. Won him at the carnival. / Spent a ton on tickets, though.

Darryl:Erin was so excited about being sneaky sneaks, I went along with it. / Darryl, you are too much. / That guy's hilarious. He's here today.

Pam:I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my bs is totally okay with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody's doing.

Pam · Coworker:Pam sees the mural has been defaced — 'Oh, my God! What? You've got to be kidding me. What-- are those-- are those butts?'

Angela · Coworker:It's Phillip's first birthday, and the Senator and I are hosting a party at our house. / Oh, cute, so there'll be a bunch of kids. / No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also ew.

Angela · Kevin:It will mostly be campaign donors. / Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping $8 to Lipton for America to have an invitation.

Angela:None of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about.

Oscar:Angela's husband and I are in love, but as a politician in this town you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs.

Angela · Oscar:Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too. [beat — Oscar's reaction]

Jim:We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly. Just a couple of grown, sexy ass roommates.

Darryl:Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom. I'm couching it. Which usually means there are clothes all over the living room. And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. I'm the messy one. How much fun is this?

Darryl:I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just he uses old T-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to 'soak.'

Pam:Pam stands on top of the warehouse shelving to address the workers below, demanding whoever defaced the mural raise their hand

Pam:Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.

Pam:I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it.

Pam · Brian:I mean, okay, not completely on my own [camera pans or Brian the boom operator is visible in frame] but in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian.

Dwight · Pam:You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting. / Yes, but David Wallace does, and he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff that's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting.

Dwight · Pam:You're telling me David Wallace asked you to call a super-secret classified conference room meeting? / Yeah. / Let's go, everyone. Super-secret classified conference room meeting now.

Coworker · Pam:I thought that's what you were doing. / Yeah, but this is different. / Oh. They used worse paint than your paint. / I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint...

Oscar · Pam:The extended exchange about paint colors — 'They used worse paint than your paint.' / 'I don't think so...' / 'They put paint where you didn't want paint' / '...I wanted different-colored paint in the spots where they put their paints'

Meredith · Creed:Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall, which is so messed up. / It's 6782, not 83. / Uh, 6783's also a good time, less mileage.

Dwight · Pam:Pam, what can be done? / Yes, thank you. Let's answer that question. / I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.

Coworker · Pam:David Wallace called this meeting? / Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently he is very passionate about public art.

Dwight · Pam:If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime. / Thank you?

Pam:I was hoping for a righteous mob. I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But they both have a mob mentality, and I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.

Angela · Dwight:Angela invites Dwight to the party to pitch his bit salt idea to the State Transportation Secretary. / If I get the deicing gig, it's gonna be on merit, not because I played politics.

Kevin · Angela:Hey, so a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So do you want me to go with you? / No. / Okay, I understand. I'll just stay here then, alone with the money. / Oh, crap.

Dwight · Coworker:I am handing out pieces of paper on which you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings is no one's business but my own. / You're gonna compare 'em to the butts up there. / Incorrect. It is my fetish.

Dwight:Oh, also sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.

Dwight · Nellie:All right, then no bottoms. We should ask you to do big rounded Ws. / Yes. Or nipple-less breasts. / Or melons like cantaloupes with the halves are cut off and then just the bottom parts.

Dwight · Pam:We need to find the weakest one and separate him from the group. / Yeah, I think, if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him.

Pam · Dwight:We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. / Nate! Your mother is dying.

Pam · Nate · Dwight:See, I feel bad about that. / It's all right. It's all right. So she's gonna pull through again? / That's great. Can I talk to her? / No. She needs her rest again.

Dwight · Nate:Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business. You know who the vandal is. Now I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum. / Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty...

Dwight · Pam · Nate:All right. You can go. Give him his gum. / There's no gum. There never was any gum. / Wow, that's really rude.

Oscar:Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck.

Unknown Party Guest:Party guest looking at the food: 'Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck.'

Oscar:That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a Guinea hen be so terrifying?

Jim · Darryl:I'm sorry about that. / It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes.

Jim · Darryl:Oh. It's your go-to-- oh, man, that's a bummer. / No big deal. / No big deal. / No, no, if it's a big deal, it's a big deal. No big deal. / No, no, no, no, you don't have to do that. Honestly, I don't mind.

Jim · Darryl:Did you want me to wash it for you or...? / I don't know. Are you gonna wash it, or are you gonna let it soak?

Pam:Pam confronts Frank: 'So, Frank, do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you?'

Pam · Frank:Pam apologizes profusely to Frank the warehouse worker for 'coming into your space' and then ends with 'But enough about me. Your turn.' while Frank just stares

Pam:Pam. I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So truly I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn.

Frank · Pam:I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny. / Well, I didn't think that butt was funny. / Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours.

Dwight:Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out, huh? Who won the hugging contest? No, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.

Nellie · Pam:We should just take him down. / Wait. Are you saying... / I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face.

Dwight:Clark? He even looks like a mole. One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population.

Senator Lipton:The Senator's speech about welcoming Hispanics ending with 'it's time that we bid bigotry hasta luego'

Jim · Darryl:Jim and Darryl's argument over the flour labeling — 'I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that, if I needed flour, I couldn't use that? / What you need flour for, Jim? / That's not the point. / What you making, bread? / No, I'm not making bread. / What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel?'

Jim · Darryl:Jim/Darryl lunch break — Darryl brings out a tiny TV: 'I usually watch TV during my lunch break. It's cool?' / Jim: 'Yeah, cool.'

Darryl · Jim:All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, but just, you know, I get a little finicky about my stuff. That's all. / It's all good. / Are we all good? / We good. / What's that cooler? / Nothing. It's mine.

Darryl · Jim:What happened to my Tavis Smileys? / Oh, crap. Were those yours?

Dwight · Clark:I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again! Do you hear me? But my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys. Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now go make your hands rough with work.

Dwight · Clark:I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again! / But my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys. / Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now go make your hands rough with work.

Darryl · Pam:Pam calls Darryl to get intel on Frank's truck. 'While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that?' / Yeah. I was kind of hoping you could. / I gotta go. Bye.

Jim · Pam:Jim calls Pam to get intel on Frank: 'Does he have, like, a favorite pair of boots or a lunchbox?' / Pam: 'What, is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something?'

Senator Lipton · Angela · Oscar:The Senator's increasingly frantic photo management — moving Sundeep, Oscar, and a wheelchair user (Margaret) around while Angela fumes, trying to control who appears in the frame

Pam · Dwight:Is that supposed to be my mural? / Yeah, Frank draws a butt on your mural. I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita.

Dwight · Pam:Oh, no. I'm embarrassed. It's stupid. [Pam sees it] This is amazing! Frank, and he's leaving a trail of poops? / Yeah. / And he has saggy boobs. / I saw that. It's great.

Nellie · Pam:Nellie: 'I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.' / Pam: 'I know.' / Nellie: 'You miss Angela, don't you?' / Pam: 'Ugh, don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.'

Dwight · Pam:I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch. / I know. / You miss Angela, don't you? / Ugh, don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.

Pam · Dwight:I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. / You know, the paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. / But I think the lesson will last--

Frank · Pam:It's a $40,000 truck! / So? You started it! / So? So somebody needs to shut you up! [physical altercation begins]

Oscar:Kevin, great to see you. Thank you for the food. And also you suck.

Oscar · Senator Lipton:You're, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you, and you're just using them. / Again, the food was very good.

Jim:Wow, this whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people you really care about. I mean, that's just Roommates 101.

Jim · Darryl:Jim dumps the cooler of liquid/ice on Darryl as revenge/payback — 'Oh, come on. Uh. Oh! Damn. You wins.'

Jim · Darryl:How good did that feel? / It felt really good actually.