Clark Green

Andy · Pete · Clark:Andy nicknames the new guys: Clark is fine, but Pete gets 'Plop' because he's 'always taking dumps.' Pete protests: 'No, I'm not.' Andy: 'Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop.'

Andy · Clark:Andy nicknames Clark 'Fart because you fart all the time.' Clark: 'I love it!'

Andy · Dwight · Clark · Office:The Dwight Jr. physical resemblance reveal: Andy makes Dwight stand next to Clark, everyone's minds are blown despite Dwight's denial.

Dwight · Clark:Dwight approaches Clark in the break room: 'Body by Cheez-It.' Clark: 'Ah! Humor. I have it, too.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight invites Clark to a Slayer concert '10 months from now.' Clark: 'I think I'm busy that night, or I would.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight: 'So what kind of farming are you into, huh? More of a fruit man or a root man?' Clark: 'Hey, is this code for, like, gay stuff? 'Cause, if so, that's totally fine.'

Clark · Jim:Clark asks Jim for his client list under the guise of helping with sales calls. Jim's dawning realization: 'You want a list of my clients? You want my leads?'

Clark:Clark walks the slackline easily on his first try. 'I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark (Dwight Jr.) crushes the slackline — Dwight, furious: 'Boo! Unimpressed! It's a tightrope for babies! Boo!'

Clark · Erin:Clark's fake news producer pitch to Erin: 'You'll just come over, put on a little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple of different ways in a couple of different outfits. It'd be really tasteful...'

Andy · Clark:Andy asks about Clark's fake news audition wardrobe for Erin — Clark specifies: button-downs, camisole, blazer, pencil skirt, stilettos ('definitely open-toed'), something low-cut ('industry secret: camera makes everything seem higher-cut'), seamed pantyhose, and a robe 'he probably has at his place.'

Clark:Clark immediately calls 'That's a wrap, everybody' after the first usable take — clearly trying to end things before Andy ruins the footage further.

Pete · Clark:Pete and Clark's talking head about Andy's enthusiasm: 'We noticed early on Andy really appreciates enthusiasm, so we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders... It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.'

Pete · Clark:Talking head with Pete and Clark: 'We noticed early on Andy really appreciates enthusiasm. So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders.'

Clark:Clark to camera: 'And I'm Clark, I like to eat toilet paper. We fail!'

Oscar · Clark · Andy:Oscar: 'Ugh, I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.' Clark: 'I do! I love the boss' interests!' Andy: 'Attaboy, Clark.'

Clark · Kevin:Clark/Kevin: 'I thought that concert was pretty great.' / 'Oh, yeah, I decided acapelco music is awesome.'

Pete · Clark:Pete: 'I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party, make me go all John McClane on their asses.' Then he calls John McCain 'John McCain.'

Clark:Clark's correction: 'And I think... I think you mean John McCain.' Then his defense of not having seen Die Hard.

Clark · Pete:Clark: 'Yes. You are right. Forgive me.' Pete: 'That's okay, bud.' Clark: 'Nope.' Pete: 'Common mistake.' Clark: 'No, it's not.' Clark: 'Nerd!'

Jim · Pete · Clark:Jim starts reciting Die Hard: 'You don't like flying, do you?' — others say don't change the subject — Jim reveals 'No, that's the movie starting.'

Toby · Clark:Toby hears 'Scranton Strangler' and eagerly says he was on the jury — Clark politely tries to exit: 'See you next Christmas'

Clark · Pete:Someone mentions Karl was 'actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy?' during Die Hard — reaction shot of indifference

Clark · Office staff:Clark returns from his trip with Jan; when asked how the sex was, he deflects with 'A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters' then immediately elaborates.

Clark:Clark describes sex with Jan: 'like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was... like a swarm of bees.'

Clark:Clark adds: 'Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.'

Clark:Clark: 'Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, talk classy, act nasty.'

Clark:Clark presents the espresso machine Jan sent as a gift: 'We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast, so... bon appetit.'

Oscar · Clark:Oscar corrects Clark's pronunciation of 'espresso': 'Actually, it's pronounced espresso.' Clark: 'Wait. That's what you said.' Oscar: 'I apologize. I just assumed you would mispronounce it.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark agrees to play Dwight's fake son to get a sale: 'If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.' Dwight: 'Then, looks like we have a deal... son.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark and Dwight arrive at Stone & Son and are noted to be a father-and-son team meeting a father-and-son suit store: 'You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we, boy?' 'No, we sure hadn't, pop.'

Clark:Clark describing Dwight's hunting: 'He's like a serial killer... of animals. One time he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right off -- it was sick! It was his birthday. Just turned three, so...'

Dwight · Clark:Clark returns and Dwight immediately says 'God, I missed you' with paternal warmth; then 'Were you loitering out there like a Hooligan, smoking a doobie?' Clark: 'I sure was. Just like he taught me.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight and Clark try to find the right description for their fake relationship. After fumbling: '-Ter-- terrible. -Terrible. Yes. Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!'

Clark · Dwight:Clark retaliates against Dwight by accusing him of getting 'drunk and... killed those kids on their way to prom.' Dwight: 'That never happened. He's always been a liar.'

Clark · Sam Sr. · Sam Jr. · Dwight:Sam Sr. explains he's 'just here for human contact.' Clark immediately pivots to Sam Jr.: 'Wait. So you're the boss?' They shake hands and Clark drops the whole Dwight scheme.

Clark:Clark/fake son tells Dwight to buy him a suit: 'I'm gonna need one, right, if I'm ever gonna get a real job and move my lazy ass out of your GD house.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark tries on a suit and actually looks good. Dwight's reaction: 'Actually... you look great. They steered you right.' Then he decides to buy one too.

Dwight · Clark:Dwight and Clark complete the sale, high-five outside: 'You opened the door. And you closed it. The boys are back in town.'

Clark · Dwight:Clark confesses to Dwight: all the cat turd details were actually true — he used to collect them. 'Why?' 'Each one is very different, like a snowflake.'

Pete · Clark · Andy:The Derek McBlack social media scheme — 'It's just Pete in sunglasses.'

Pete · Clark:The full social media scheme explained: fake profiles, fake friends who like Derek's likes — 'So far we're only popular with imaginary people'

Clark:Clark's talking head spiral: 'Pete and I work well together. Not that there's anything special about Pete. It could be any guy. Or girl. Not that I'm into girls. Not that I'm into Pete. Ah! What was the question?'

Pete · Clark · Andy:Alan Olifson from North Dakota — 'He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific. Wow, that guy's really into paper.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight: 'Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.' Then raises the invisible bar height himself.

Clark:Clark: 'I went above and beyond — and under' when describing his work with Jan

Clark:Clark: 'You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion like an animal. I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome.'

Clark:Clark: 'I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen.'

Rolf · Clark:Rolf: 'Rolf Ahl.' Clark: 'Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl.' Rolf: 'Go to hell.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight interrogates Clark about smell and earbuds before an interview: 'Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right?' / 'You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence And The Machine concert.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight: 'I need you to breathe in my face.' Clark: 'Why?' Dwight: 'I need you to breathe in my face right now.' Then sniffs. 'What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?' Clark: 'Wintergreen.' Dwight: 'I knew it, I knew it.'

Clark · Dwight:Clark Kobayashi Maru's the entire interview process by declaring it over and himself hired. Dwight: 'No.' Clark: 'Yeah. Star Trek rules.' Dwight: 'It does, but still no.'

Melvina · Clark:Candidate: Dwight's former babysitter, 'and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.' Clark: 'I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.'

Clark · Melvina:Clark to Melvina: 'You went to X-Men school too?'

Dwight · Pam · Clark:Dwight introduces Clark as the new desk mate: 'Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering.'

Dwight · Clark · Pam:Dwight to Clark: 'Hey Pam, I'm going to the kitchen. You want anything?' Pam: 'I'm good.' Clark: 'Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee.' Dwight holds up invisible height bar. 'Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.'

Jim · Dwight · Clark:Jim and Dwight haze Clark by putting something in his chair — Clark sits down and screams. Dwight: 'Welcome to the club, pig!'

Dwight · Clark:I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again! Do you hear me? But my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys. Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now go make your hands rough with work.

Dwight · Clark:I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again! / But my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys. / Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now go make your hands rough with work.

Clark · Angela:Clark agrees to be Angela's fake boyfriend for the couples discount: 'That's what I do.' — delivered as a weary statement of his role in the office.

Nail Salon Worker · Clark · Angela:The nail salon worker tells Clark to take off his glasses. After he does, she declares: 'Your boyfriend. He look like a pretty girl.'

Nail Salon Worker · Clark:Worker escalates: 'And you know what? I think you are developing. We should go and get you a training bra.'

Angela · Clark · Nail Salon Worker:Angela and Clark are caught in their fake relationship ruse. The worker revokes the discount: 'Full price.' Angela protests — worker: 'Shush!' Angela's talking-head: 'Turns out I can't even be in a pretend relationship.'

Nail Salon Worker · Clark:Oh, you guys both think this is funny? Well, you know what? No more discount. Full price.

Andy · Clark · Jan:Jan invokes her 30-day exit clause and cancels the contract. Andy pleads: 'Jan, please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.' Clark, on the phone: 'Jan, I don't know what he's talking about, but--'

Andy · Pete · Clark:Andy's bro-council: 'We are in the brozone layer. Okay, Nard Dog, Plop, and Clarker Posey, A.K.A. Clarkwork Orange.'

Andy · Clark:Andy asks for advice: Clark says 'Being a bachelor isn't all bad — last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.' Andy: 'There you go. Good for you.' / 'No.'

Todd Packer · Clark:Clark introduces himself to Packer; Packer immediately apologizes: 'Sorry for calling you a fat little runt earlier.' Clark: 'You didn't actually say that.' Packer: 'No? Wow, I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts in my head.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles. What's her name? Esther Brueger.

Clark:Long-term tractor leases can put pressure on a relationship. God, a lot of my buddies are going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.

Clark:My first week here, I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more screen time as a villain.

Esther's Sister · Clark:We should buy an auger together. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, we should do that. You would be a great one to buy an auger with.

Clark · Dwight:Don't do it. What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! You capped it! Wow. You are serious.

Clark · Dwight:The sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her. What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?

Dwight · Clark:Maybe you're right. Esther's a 10, and the best I've ever done is Angela, who's a nine, and she rejected me. A Scranton nine, but, yeah, point taken.

Dwight · Clark:Let's go out tonight and just score a couple of fours, huh? I mean, there are no games with fours.

Clark · Dwight:Hey, Dwight. What's an auger used for? Post hole digging.

Kevin · Clark:Kelly (off-screen): 'Kelly called it. 2013.'

Jim · Clark:Jim chasing Clark out: 'Clark, get outta here. My mistake. Yes, it is your mistake. He's lingering. So annoying. I'm gonna kill him.'

Andy · Clark:'Be careful of that beaker. It contains dangerous acid!' — it does not say 'dangerous' and there's no exclamation point.

Clark · Film Director:Clark ad-libbing 'dangerous' and an exclamation point into dry chemical safety script; director corrects him

Andy · Clark:Andy? Go away! We're running lines. / You wanted to see the gooey eye. / Oh, yeah. All right, get over here. I'm so freaked out by things going into eyes.

Andy · Clark:'And remember, do not attempt to extinguish a chemical fire with water. It will only exacerbate the flame. The dangerous flame.'

Clark:We just need a picture of the top of your head in case we burn some of your hair off.

Clark · Andy:Okay, um, stop. Um, why are you smiling? I just made a character choice to be a scientist who really likes what he does and enjoys his job.

Andy · Clark:I'll get nude if you want me to. I'll go full Lena Dunham, but I... Dude, we don't need you to go nude, okay? Absolutely not.

Jim · Clark · Pete:Jim returns to his old desk; Clark is sitting there and doesn't want to give it up: 'I've actually been working pretty hard here on a daily basis. So I kind of feel like I've earned this.' Jim: 'You totally have. You have earned it. But maybe I could be with my wife.' Clark: 'Right. Well, I'm here to sell paper.' Jim: 'Burn.'

Jim · Clark:Jim asks Clark: 'What do you need more face time with Wallace for? You trying to get a second second job here?'

Jim · Clark:Jim banishes Clark to the annex, then adds: 'Be careful. It is very easy to get lost in Pete's beautiful, dead eyes.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight tells Clark to get out of Jim's chair: 'You're an annex kid. You might be bullpen. We'll see. Give it a couple years. Scram.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark's AARM challenge: reading a phone message aloud including 'Yuri big nose' in front of the Turkish ambassador — 'God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations.'