Suit Warehouse

Dwight:I have created a fake family business. My alias is Schrupert Pupkenstein, a wealthy industrialist with connections in Eastern Europe.

Dwight:I am excellent at deception. I have fooled everyone at Dunder Mifflin multiple times.

Dwight:We need to do another fake family sale. You and I would make a great team.

Jim:Absolutely not.

Dwight:We could call ourselves 'Handsome and Stinky.'

Jim:Which one am I?

Dwight:Take a guess.

Jim:You know what? Phyllis could be your replacement family member.

Dwight:Absolutely not. Phyllis is a second cousin twice removed on her mother's side, which makes her genetically 3.125% related to me. That's not family, that's a statistical error.

Dwight:You have ears? I had no idea. Congratulations on that.

Phyllis:I have ears.

Dwight:Oh really? Well that's fascinating. Next you'll be telling me you have a nose.

Dwight:Jim, you need to get back from Philadelphia immediately. I'm talking now.

Jim:Dwight, it's a three-hour drive.

Dwight:Not if you drive 120 miles per hour. You'll be here in an hour and a half. I've done the math.

Jim:Okay, so you take the square root of 144...

Dwight:Which is 12. I knew that.

Jim:Right, and then you multiply by 3.

Dwight:36. Obviously. My superior mathematical intellect has solved this problem.

Jim:Dwight, I just walked you through every step.

Dwight:Exactly. And I mastered it instantly. That's the mark of a true genius.

Darryl:Wait a minute... Michael's not here.

Darryl:Jim, we can do whatever we want.

Jim:What do you mean?

Darryl:I mean, nobody's watching. We could leave right now and nobody would even know.

Erin:Oh my god, a pen delivery? I'm going to need to consult my manual. Do we have a manual for this? We should have a manual.

Erin:Okay, so first I need to assess the structural integrity of the box. Is it a ballpoint? Gel? This is important.

Erin:And then I'll need to sign for it, initial it, date it, and perform a small blessing. It's just protocol.

Meredith:My mother always said, 'Meredith, a gentleman is just a patient wolf.'

Meredith:What? It's not backwards. I checked in the mirror this morning.

Angela:Does Oscar have any friends that he doesn't own the same exact thing as?

Oscar:It's pronounced 'GIF', not 'JIF'.

Coworker:Actually, the creator said it's 'JIF'.

Oscar:Oh. Well... I was just... I thought you were saying it wrong, so I was helping. You're welcome anyway.

Dwight:Clark, I need you to pretend to be my son.

Clark:Dwight, I've been pretending to be your friend for three years to get ahead at this company. Pretending to be your son is just the next logical step.

Erin:I'm so busy! I have to deliver this pen to accounting, and then I have to... well, that's it, but it's a lot!

Pam:You're going to do great at your interview. Jim's really nice, he's not intimidating at all.

Pam:He's like Gumby with hair.

Dwight:Clark is short for... Clark.

Jim:Yeah, Dwight. That's how names work.

Clark:Dwight is a great hunter.

Clark:One time he tracked a deer for three days straight. No food, no water, just him and the wilderness.

Clark:Finally he finds it. He raises his gun, looks into its eyes, and realizes it's only three years old.

Clark:So he doesn't shoot it. He just... walks away.

Jim:Yeah, you're not pulling that off, Oscar.

Jim:So we're looking at about three weeks, maybe four months, possibly two weeks depending on how you count the months.

Darryl:This place is so Zuckerberg.

Dwight:My father and I had a very similar relationship. We never talked about our feelings. Of course, my relationship with my son is completely different. We're very close. He calls me every day.

Dwight:Well, he did. Before he found out I was sleeping with his mother.

Dwight:Were you smoking marijuana?

Clark:No, no, of course not.

Dwight:Right, because that would be really stupid.

Clark:Yeah, it would be. I would never do that. That would be so dumb. I'm not that kind of person at all.

Darryl:I'm gonna stick with Jim's company no matter what. I'm gonna be there for him, you know? I'm gonna... I'm gonna be inside him.

Darryl:I mean, I'm gonna be... working for him. I'm gonna work inside his company.

Erin:Should I unpack the pens? I mean, they're already in the box. But they could be out of the box. Out is good. Out is accessible. But in is organized. In is... contained. What if I need a pen right now? I'd have to unpack them. But what if I unpack them and then realize I didn't need to? Then I've unpacked them for nothing. For nothing, Erin. Okay, I'm unpacking them. Wait, no. I'm leaving them. No, unpacking. Unpacking!

Kevin:This one tastes like... burnt hair and regret.

Pam:Kevin, that's the dark roast. You're supposed to appreciate the notes.

Kevin:The only note I appreciate is a fifty dollar bill. This tastes like dirt.

Jim:Kevin, it's a sophisticated blend—

Kevin:You know what? I'm making my own espresso. Where's the good stuff?

Dwight:Step away from the espresso machine, Kevin.

Kevin:No! I know what I like, and I like it with three pumps of vanilla creamer and a donut chaser!

Pam:Oh my god, he's going for the industrial roaster—

Jim:Grab his arms!

Dwight:I've got his legs!

Oscar:This is ridiculous.

Kevin:Let me go! I'm making cold brew! COLD BREW!

Dwight:Clark's dating life is a complete disaster. The man couldn't attract a woman if he were a magnet and she were made of iron.

Dwight:In fact, the last woman who showed interest in him had a lazy eye, a pronounced limp, and a collection of porcelain cats that numbered in the hundreds.

Dwight:She also insisted on wearing a fanny pack to formal events and had a PhD in marine biology, which she brought up constantly, despite living in Pennsylvania.

Dwight:She had webbed feet, which she tried to hide with special shoes, and she could only eat foods that were beige in color.

Dwight:Oh, you think that's embarrassing? I've got stories about Clark that'll make your skin crawl. Like the time he ate cat feces thinking it was licorice, and I had to explain to him that Oliver Twist never actually asked for more of that particular dish.

Dwight:This is Jim Halpert, our top salesman. Jim, I was just telling Mr. Henderson here about the time I got cat feces on my face.

Jim:Why would you tell him that?

Dwight:It's a story about perseverance. Jim here has also had cat feces on his face, haven't you Jim?

Jim:No, Dwight, I have not.

Jim:Did anyone else notice Michael kept saying 'mandate' in that meeting? Man... date.

Jim:I'm twelve.

Jim:I have a gay friend. Wait, I have gay friends. Plural. I don't know why I said that like it was surprising.

Jim:Okay, so when you go in there, make sure you compliment the interviewer's tie.

Jim:Even if it's ugly. Especially if it's ugly.

Jim:And when they ask about your weaknesses, just say 'I'm too much of a perfectionist.'

Jim:Everyone loves that one.

Jim:Oh, and shake their hand really hard. Like, really hard. Show them you mean business.

Jim:If you cry a little bit during the interview, that shows vulnerability and honesty.

Erin:I know how this sounds, okay? I know I sound crazy. But these pens are important to me.

Pete:They're just pens.

Erin:No, they're not just pens. They're my pens. And I need them to be a certain way.

Erin:I'm just organizing these pens by color and size.

Dwight:ALERT! We have a code red! Erin is consolidating our writing implements!

Jim:Dwight, she's just doing her job.

Dwight:Her JOB? This is how it starts. Next thing you know, she'll be reorganizing the entire supply closet. We'll be obsolete!

Erin:I'm really not trying to take anyone's job.

Dwight:Too late. The pen rebellion has begun.

Pam:Jim doesn't work part-time. He works full-time here and full-time in Philadelphia. That's two full-times.

Darryl:I could fit in at Jim's company. I got the right attitude, the right work ethic. I'm like the point guard of the warehouse - I run the offense, I facilitate the game. At Attic Annex, I'd be the shooting guard, coming off the bench, ready to knock down threes when my number's called.

Pam:I mean, who designs an office with a basketball hoop right next to the fish tank? That's just asking for trouble.

Darryl:Exactly! It's not my fault I'm an amazing shot.

Pam:You know, having a baby is like having a plant. You have to water it, you have to give it sunlight, and you have to be responsible for it or it dies.

Darryl:Did you just compare my baby to a plant?

Pam:I mean, Philadelphia? It's not New York, it's not Los Angeles, it's not even Chicago.

Jim:It's Philadelphia.

Darryl:Philadelphia? Nah, man, that's not happening.

Darryl:Wait, wait, wait. Did you say 215? That's my man's area code. I'm in. Let's go to Philly!

Angela:Is it hot in here? Can someone turn down the air conditioning?

Angela:No, it's definitely too warm. I'm sweating. Turn it down more.

Angela:It's still hot! Why is it so hot?! TURN IT DOWN!

Angela:It's freezing now! Oh my God, it's freezing! Turn it UP! Who did this?!

Angela:Actually, it's too hot again. No wait—it's cold. It's both! How is it both?!

Angela:Why is this stapler even here? It's mocking me. Everything in this office is mocking me.

Angela:The fluorescent lights, the beige walls, this chair that squeaks when I breathe — they're all conspiring against me!

Angela:And don't even get me started on that water cooler. It gurgles. WHO PROGRAMMED IT TO GURGLE?

Clark:My dad's acrylic suit is perfectly fine. He's worn it for years.

Client:Yeah, but isn't acrylic a fire hazard?

Clark:That's the beauty of it. If there's ever a fire, he'll melt right into the floor and escape through the cracks.

Dwight:Italian suits are the finest in the world. Tailored to perfection, constructed with precision, each stitch a work of art.

Dwight:Of course, if you wear an Italian suit in Italy, you'll be arrested for impersonating the mafia. Then you'll go to an Italian prison, where they execute you with a fashionable blindfold.

Clark:You're from Boring Island.

Dwight:Actually, Boring is a town in Oregon. It's not an island. Cartograph much?

Stanley:You know what? With all this energy, I could finally organize my desk. I've been putting that off for three years.

Stanley:You know, I've worked in this office for years, and I never knew these floors were underneath. They're... they're beautiful. Like a fine wood grain, smooth as silk. I could look at this all day.

Darryl:You know what? I'm taking credit for this success. All of it. The fish incident? That was strategic. That was me showing leadership.

Kevin:What? I'm standing on it!

Jim:Kevin, we need to remove the carpet.

Kevin:Well, you're gonna have to pull it out from under me then.

Pam:That's... that's literally what we're trying to do.

Kevin:Yeah, so pull!

Creed:It needed the caffeine. You could see it perk right up.

Jim:We are the champions, my friends!

Jim:Wait, so that story was actually about you?

Clark:Yeah. Look, I collect cat feces. It's not something I'm proud of, but there's a poetry to it.

Pam:What happened to the office?

Erin:Well, if people would just take responsibility for their pens, none of this would have happened.