Suit Warehouse

Dwight:Jim and Dwight Shrupert — Dwight describes their fake family con at multiple businesses, culminating in 'Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong.'

Dwight:'I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, 'cause it's time for another episode of handsome and stinky, paper brothers for hire.'

Dwight · Jim:Jim suggests Phyllis as a substitute for the fake-family scheme; Dwight: 'Phyllis my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.'

Dwight · Phyllis:Phyllis: 'I have ears, Dwight.' Dwight: 'Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim he can drive from Philadelphia in 30 minutes 'if you drive 240 miles per hour.' Jim asks how long at 300 mph. Dwight actually calculates it.

Dwight · Jim:Dwight ends the call: 'Okay, bye-bye. Love you.'

Darryl:Darryl's realization: 'Kinda like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get... what do you get?' then spirals into 'Oh, my God! Why didn't I think of this?'

Erin · Darryl:Erin panics about receiving a box of pens: 'What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details... I haven't been trained for this.'

Clark · Office staff:Clark returns from his trip with Jan; when asked how the sex was, he deflects with 'A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters' then immediately elaborates.

Clark:Clark describes sex with Jan: 'like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was... like a swarm of bees.'

Clark:Clark: 'Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, talk classy, act nasty.'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight notices Meredith's wig and asks what's wrong with it. She asks 'Is it on backwards?' He inspects it and confirms: 'Nope. You got it. You fixed it.'

Clark:Clark presents the espresso machine Jan sent as a gift: 'We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast, so... bon appetit.'

Oscar · Clark:Oscar corrects Clark's pronunciation of 'espresso': 'Actually, it's pronounced espresso.' Clark: 'Wait. That's what you said.' Oscar: 'I apologize. I just assumed you would mispronounce it.'

Dwight:Dwight to Clark after landing the White Pages account: 'We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the White Pages. Prouder of me, but...'

Dwight · Clark:Clark agrees to play Dwight's fake son to get a sale: 'If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.' Dwight: 'Then, looks like we have a deal... son.'

Erin:Erin bursts into the kitchen: 'Super-busy. Pens coming in later. Just grabbing a java before all hell breaks loose.'

Erin:Erin in talking head: 'I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head about his interview nerves: 'I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview.' Then: 'Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims.'

Darryl:Darryl on Jim: 'I love the guy, but he's basically gumby with hair.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark and Dwight arrive at Stone & Son and are noted to be a father-and-son team meeting a father-and-son suit store: 'You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we, boy?' 'No, we sure hadn't, pop.'

Clark:Clark describing Dwight's hunting: 'He's like a serial killer... of animals. One time he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right off -- it was sick! It was his birthday. Just turned three, so...'

Oscar · Kevin · Angela:Oscar sings '♪ Yolo! ♪' to advocate for trying all 16 espresso flavors, then gets called out: 'You just do not look cool saying it.'

Angela · Office staff:Angela refuses to participate in the group espresso taste test, insisting she doesn't want to put her hand in. 'Can't I just agree without putting my hand in?'

Angela:After the group toasts with espressos: 'Where's my ring? I'm sure it'll turn up.'

Dwight · Sam Sr.:Dwight covers for Clark's absence: 'Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy. Does whatever I say.' Client: 'I can't relate to that. My son hates my guts.'

Dwight:Dwight tries to calibrate his fake relationship with Clark: 'Things between me and Clark are good, not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son.'

Dwight · Clark:Clark returns and Dwight immediately says 'God, I missed you' with paternal warmth; then 'Were you loitering out there like a Hooligan, smoking a doobie?' Clark: 'I sure was. Just like he taught me.'

Dwight:Dwight scolds Clark: 'You're being disrespectful!' then immediately: 'And I love you... for saying that.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight and Clark try to find the right description for their fake relationship. After fumbling: '-Ter-- terrible. -Terrible. Yes. Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!'

Val:Darryl's wife arrives at the startup and says: 'If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it.' Then immediately: 'With it. I wanna go down with it.'

Erin:Erin's full talking-head about whether to unpack the pens, concluding: 'Don't wanna be a busybody, but I don't wanna be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Aah! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now. It's insane.'

Erin:In the middle of the espresso taste test confessional, Erin adds: 'Oh, yeah. No. I've never had an espresso before. They're good, though. A-bam!'

Erin:Erin rapidly reports her espresso findings like a scientist: 'My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select!'

Kevin · Office staff:Kevin chants countdown numbers as Erin drinks each espresso; the group has to restrain him: 'Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Stop it, Kevin! That's enough, Kevin!'

Dwight:Dwight calls out Clark to the suit store clients: 'No wonder women despise you. His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship. Thumbs like a lowland gorilla.'

Clark · Dwight:Clark retaliates against Dwight by accusing him of getting 'drunk and... killed those kids on their way to prom.' Dwight: 'That never happened. He's always been a liar.'

Sam Jr.:Sam Jr.: 'No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends.' — delivered in response to 'You can't make this stuff up!'

Sam Jr. · Dwight:Client Sam Jr. enters, sees Dwight: 'Got cat turd collector written all over him.' Then does a double take: 'Did you say cat turd collector?'

Jim:'Mandate' — always think of two men on a date. 'I have gay friends. I have one gay friend. Oscar.'

Sam Sr.:'Mandate' — always think of two men on a date. I have gay friends. I have one gay friend. Oscar.

Darryl · Jim · Athlead employees:Darryl falters in his interview, and the Athlead employees go around the room explaining their diverse and impressive backgrounds: 'I was a newspaper editor. Science teacher. Volleyball coach. I work at a home shopping network. I'm a lawyer.' Then Jim: 'And as you know, I was a paper salesman.'

Athlead employee · Darryl:One employee advises Darryl: 'Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked.' The camera cuts to Darryl's reaction: 'Cool.'

Jim:Jim observes the startup at 2:00 PM: 'Ah. So this is what 2:00 PM looks like around here.' Then: 'I usually take a siesta about now.'

Oscar · Erin:Oscar to Erin: 'Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator.' Erin: 'No. I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth.'

Kevin · Oscar · Erin · Pam:Pam's colleagues shout 'Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job!' — twice. Erin: 'No, I'm not. It's not like that at all.' Kevin: 'Pam, look out!'

Athlead colleague · Pam:Jim's Athlead colleague tells Pam: 'We can't wait until you move here.' Pam's response: 'I'm sorry -- you guys are here to sell us paper?'

Dwight:Dwight to the suit store client who runs things now: 'Do you mind? The men are talking.'

Clark · Sam Sr. · Sam Jr. · Dwight:Sam Sr. explains he's 'just here for human contact.' Clark immediately pivots to Sam Jr.: 'Wait. So you're the boss?' They shake hands and Clark drops the whole Dwight scheme.

Darryl:Darryl after his successful interview: 'I think it'd be like... you know what? I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot -- perfecto!'

Darryl:Darryl's reaction shot after his interview — the camera cuts to him looking stunned/happy, then we get the talking head: 'Oh, my God.'

Darryl:Darryl explains in talking head: 'They are the ones put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. So I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario.'

Val · Pam:Val dismisses Philadelphia to make Darryl feel better: 'Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London. Who needs it?' Then Pam (on phone): 'Not us.'

Darryl:Darryl celebrates his job offer: 'Two-one-five or die!' (the Philadelphia area code).

Pam:Pam's talking head about Darryl's news: rapidly escalating discomfort about the heat: 'It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really, really hot in here. It's insane! They need to have the AC on year-round! January too! I don't get the point of this stupid window!'

Dwight · Sam Sr.:At the suit store, Dwight roasts the father's old acrylic suit: 'That's why his face always breaks out.' Client: 'Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher?'

Clark:Clark/fake son tells Dwight to buy him a suit: 'I'm gonna need one, right, if I'm ever gonna get a real job and move my lazy ass out of your GD house.'

Dwight · Sam Sr.:Dwight dismisses Italian silk: 'You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.' Sam Sr.: 'Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker from boring island.' Dwight: 'That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island.' Sam Sr.: 'Cartograph much?'

Dwight · Clark:Clark tries on a suit and actually looks good. Dwight's reaction: 'Actually... you look great. They steered you right.' Then he decides to buy one too.

Angela:The office espresso energy leads Angela to declare: 'Everyone, now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to?'

Oscar · Office staff:Moving the copier reveals they've torn up the carpet. Brief panic: 'We're gonna be in so much trouble!' Then Oscar sees the hardwood underneath: 'It's beautiful. Hardwood. I always knew it was down here. I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking head after getting the job: 'Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That's how you do that, baby.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Move. I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.' Worker: 'Well, I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.'

Meredith · Angela:Meredith: 'Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby Aspirin?' Angela: 'Oh, enough with the whining already. Why don't you just have some more coffee?' Meredith: 'It's all gone.'

Creed · Erin:Creed reveals: 'I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.' Then: 'I saw the leaves twitch.'

Angela · Meredith · Creed · Office staff:'Shut up.' 'You shut up!' 'Everybody shut up and work.' 'We don't work for you.' 'Yeah.' 'Yeah.'

Unknown office worker:'It's 5:00.'

Dwight · Clark:Dwight and Clark complete the sale, high-five outside: 'You opened the door. And you closed it. The boys are back in town.'

Erin · Pam:Erin's final talking head about the pens: 'You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened.' Then the camera slowly reveals the pens, still boxed.

Pam:Pam looks at the untouched boxed pens, then looks at the completely rearranged, carpet-torn office. Silent reaction beat — 'Are the pens here?'