Lice

Unknown Male 1 · Unknown Male 2:Two coworkers having what appears to be an engaged sports debate that is repeatedly derailed by one complaining about biting his lip at lunch

Unknown Male 1:'You know, I always tell my three-year-old, if this is the worst thing that's going to happen...' followed immediately by 'You got to be kidding me! Okay, Pam! That's it! I'm going home!'

Pam · Meredith:Pam says 'Morning, Meredith!' cheerfully; Meredith recoils and Pam winces — 'Yikes.'

Pam:Pam's confessional: 'I found out Cece has lice... I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Erving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But I have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face, because... how would I feel if I was at home, stuck with the kids while she was go-karting with John Stamos?'

Jim · Pam:Jim on the phone with Pam says 'my taxi is here' while a limo is visibly outside

Darryl:Darryl's breakup advice: 'Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you going to do, break up with me?" Like, as a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight.'

Meredith · Pam:Meredith to Pam: 'Jesus H. in the morning, will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.' Pam: 'He didn't leave me. He just went part-time.'

Pam:Pam watches Meredith scratching her head vigorously like an ape and offers to herself: 'I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.'

Meredith:Meredith: 'Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.'

Dwight:'Holy wow, that's a big one. All right, pencils down, everyone, we've got lice!'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight to Meredith: 'God, Meredith! Lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Just lice, Pam? Of all the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak, and four-eyes, and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher — all because I had lice when I was seven.'

Dwight:Dwight reveals he uses lice shampoo every morning as a preventive measure

Dwight:Dwight begins inspecting employees' scalps against their will while they protest — 'Dwight!' / 'Stop that!' / 'Next.'

Dwight · Meredith:Dwight to Meredith: 'This is an office, it's not one of your beanbag orgies.'

Pam:Pam's talking-head: 'We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.' Cut to: everyone looking at her with obvious disbelief.

Meredith:Meredith's talking-head: 'I know who I am. Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the Queen.'

Angela:Angela discovering she has lice: 'No! How? I'm so clean.' / 'I wash my hands at least six times a day.' / 'Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee.'

Dwight:Dwight explains that 'hazmat' stands for 'hazardous materials men's suit wearing'

Dwight:'If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy.' — Dwight on owning a hazmat suit

Dwight:Two other employees also have hazmat suits — 'Excellent! You have your own hazmat suits?' / 'No.' / 'Renters.'

Darryl:Darryl to his warehouse crew: 'No messing with the baler. And be cool in front of me and Val, we just broke up.'

Unknown Warehouse Worker:Breakup consolation advice: 'The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of shepherd's pie and Brandy, the singer, not the drink.'

Darryl · Unknown Warehouse Worker:Someone gives Darryl a beer at work, saying 'You need that more than me.'

Pam:Pam's confessional: 'Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that I got from Cece. So, let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me!'

Pam:'That is how wars get started.' — Pam, to herself, after her own lice deflection speech

Pam:Immediate cut from 'That is how wars get started' to Pam saying 'Fine, I'll tell her it was me.'

Jim:Jim at the Erving meeting: the snacks are complimentary and he's openly delighted — 'Oh, man! That's fresh squeezed! And are all the snacks complimentary? Yeah. Take some home if you want. No, that's okay. I'm...'

Jim:Jim's meeting location upgrade: 'I'm sorry, is this the conference center?' / 'No, Mr. Erving called, said he'd rather meet you at his private court.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam approaches Meredith to confess about the lice and finds her shaving her own head with a lighter/hot wax to kill lice — 'Baking a cake. What does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.'

Meredith:Meredith, mid-waxing: 'You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.'

Pam:Pam's confessional after failing to tell Meredith: 'I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs.'

Dwight:Dwight's lice names: 'Scalp leeches. Skull vampires. Follicle gypsies. Hair lawyers.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'One thing is clear — it's kill or be killed!' / Other person: 'No, no, it's more of a nuisance, really. It's not that big a deal.'

Unknown:Lice treatment discussion: 'I'm not going to lie. Lye!' — wordplay pun on 'lye' (caustic chemical) vs. 'lie'

Dwight:Mayonnaise as lice treatment — Dwight asks 'Excuse me?' disbelievingly; someone confirms; Dwight is grudgingly forced to accept it works

Angela:Angela: 'I also only eat local, organic produce.' (in the context of approving mayonnaise as a lice treatment)

Meredith · Angela:Meredith appears bald: 'Sha-boom! How you like me now? Take a picture, it'll last longer.' / 'We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible.' / 'Bald people make me sick.'

Meredith:Meredith's rebuttal: 'Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.'

Dwight:Dwight's attempt to comfort Meredith about being bald: 'Not that it looks bad, Meredith! It looks... It looks awesome!'

Pam:Pam: 'You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby! But something sucked the life force out of it.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam offers Meredith something special from the store; Meredith asks for 'a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.'

Darryl:Darryl opens a warehouse meeting with: 'Let's talk pubes, people.'

Unknown Warehouse Worker:Darryl can't look away from the Val encounter: 'That was tragic. That was like a car crash, I couldn't look away.'

Kevin:Kevin's idea of what Darryl needs: 'An Escalade.' Then, corrected: 'Oh — or, what's-her-name? Val.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head about playing basketball with Dr. J: 'Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.'

Jim · Julius Erving:Jim actually makes a shot and Dr. J says 'Halpert's got game!'

Jim · Julius Erving:Jim's phone rings mid-basketball session with Dr. J — 'I'm so sorry. This is my wife.' / Dr. J: 'If it's your wife, you better take it. Right?'

Jim · Pam:Jim to Pam on the phone, surrounded by luxury and Dr. J: 'Yes, it is very stressful.'

Jim:Jim tries to end the call quickly, clearly eager to get back to Dr. J — 'Jim, I've got to go. Okay, bye.'

Jim · Julius Erving:Dr. J offers Jim Japanese Nikes: 'Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of Japanese Nikes with your name on them.'

Meredith:Meredith reacting to mayonnaise being applied to her newly-bald head: 'No! No! No! No! No!'

Erin · Pete:Pete and Erin have a fake pre-existing lice-buddy pact to avoid pairing with Creed: 'I'm already partners with Pete. Right, Pete?' / 'Uh... Yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up.'

Creed:Creed ends up paired with the only remaining person and says to camera: 'Stuck with the weirdo.'

Creed:Creed to someone (possibly Angela) about his services: 'You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more.'

Unknown:Someone in the background yells 'Eiffel Tower!' during the mayo treatment sequence

Kevin · Phyllis · Meredith:Kevin, Phyllis, and Meredith ambush Val with relationship advice: 'We think you made a big, big mistake. Big mistake. Quite enormous.'

Meredith:Meredith's speech to Val about loneliness: 'The men dry up and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you've never even worn. You stalk your old high-school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand and tell yourself you're all you need. One day you're alone, tired, at your feet, a dying bird. Where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because, in some strange way, it is you?'

Kevin:Kevin asks Val out immediately after she refuses to reunite with Darryl: 'Well, then, what would you say to you and me hitting the town, because I'm free literally forever.'

Val:Val's talking-head: 'Kevin asked me out. I was kind of feeling good about re-entering the dating pool, and then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.'

Pam:Pam gets a call from her mom that Cece still has lice — she panics; her mom says 'Lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice...' and Pam interrupts with: 'Shave her head!'

Meredith:Meredith confronts Pam: 'Princess Fancy Pants, letting Jane Twelve Pack over here take the fall.'

Pam:Pam's coworker defends Meredith: 'She's right, Pam. Is there a volume knob on that thing?' / Pam: 'Yes, there's a volume knob on that thing!'

Pam · Other:Another coworker piling on: 'Is there a volume knob on that thing?' / Pam: 'Yes, there's a volume knob on that thing!' (apparently defending Meredith unexpectedly)

Meredith:Meredith's response to Pam's apology: 'Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BM'ed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.'

Dwight:Dwight announces: 'Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...'

Unknown:Someone observes: 'Wow. He got to purple.'

Dwight · Unknown:Someone pokes Dwight (who is high) and is accidentally hurt: 'Ow! Sorry.'

Unknown:Someone being washed with mayo says 'You're waterboarding me!'

Unknown:The mayo rinse scene: 'No, this is fine. We're allowed to do this. This is okay.'

Pam · Meredith:Pam tells Meredith she kind of looks like Elvis with the mayo hair

Pam · Other:The hair-washing scene; 'Is that too cold?' / 'No, actually, it feels kind of nice.' — intimate moment played for unexpected warmth

Creed:Creed talking-head: 'I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time.'

Darryl:Darryl's talking-head: 'I'm back together with Val.' / [Beat.] 'Yay.'

Dwight:Dwight's end-of-day talking-head: 'Had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan. But lice, if you're watching, I'm ready for you anytime, anywhere.'

Jim · Pam:Jim calls Pam's voicemail and leaves a warm message; then Pam calls him but goes to his voicemail — ships passing

Meredith:Pam and Meredith go to a bar; Meredith gets the bartender's number while Pam was 'in the john': 'I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm going to take that freak to bone-town before the night is over.'

Meredith:Pam is talked into going for a beer by Meredith: 'No duh. Let's go, you're buying.'

Pam:Pam's bar speech to Meredith: 'I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week.'

Meredith:Meredith at the bar: 'I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm going to take that freak to bone-town before the night is over.'

Pam:Pam's reaction to Meredith's bone-town announcement: 'Get it, girl.'

Pam:Pam's response to Meredith's bone-town announcement: 'Get it, girl.'

Meredith:Meredith stands up to sing 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' — bald, possibly slightly drunk, with full commitment