Val Johnson

Darryl · Val:Val catching Darryl apparently faxing (or doing something suspicious); his panicked 'Don't—' and disclaimer 'I'm using the fax. This isn't... No, wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company, right?'

Darryl · Val:Warehouse safety meeting: 'Third—' / 'Who knows what the belt is for?' / 'It's for protecting my ass when you suckers lift more than you can handle.'

Gabe · Val:Gabe bribes Val with $100 to get coffee and contrives to go with her, then contradicts himself: 'Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay? I want a decaf frappuccino.' / Val: 'Caramel soy latte.' / Gabe: 'No, a decaf frap.'

Gabe · Val:Val immediately shuts down Gabe: 'Are you asking me on a date?' / Gabe: 'Yes, I am.' / Val: 'Because I don't date coworkers, it's not personal. It's a matter of policy.' / Gabe: 'I could quit.' / Val: 'Don't quit.' / Gabe: 'Good policy. It's sensible. Smart.'

Val:Val announces the pool: 'No top scum, no Band-Aids, this thing is choice.'

Val · Darryl:Val: 'Hey Darryl, want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.' Darryl: 'No, I'm good. Thank you.' Val talking head: 'Does Darryl not swim?' Other voice: 'That's racist, I don't know.' Val: 'But I would say by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.'

Val · Darryl:I like to knit. Don't hate. And who's that for? Oh, this is a gift for my man, Nate, here.

Darryl · Val:Nice flowers. / Thanks, they're from my mom. / Your mom? / Yeah. / Oh, so I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep-voiced woman. / Yeah, that's her. / She said her name was Brandon, I think. / Your mom's name is Brandon?

Val:Yeah, Darryl, my mom's name is Brandon.

Darryl · Brandon · Val:Dwight introduces Brandon as Val's 'boyf' — Brandon confronts Darryl about sleeping with Val, Darryl denies it. 'Dude, you didn't tell me you were fucking Val.' 'High five.'

Val:Val: 'You look like Ed Harris. If they stretched him a little bit.'

Val:Val's talking-head: 'Kevin asked me out. I was kind of feeling good about re-entering the dating pool, and then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.'

Val:Darryl's wife arrives at the startup and says: 'If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it.' Then immediately: 'With it. I wanna go down with it.'

Val · Pam:Val dismisses Philadelphia to make Darryl feel better: 'Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London. Who needs it?' Then Pam (on phone): 'Not us.'