After Hours

Angela:That is not the same thing. A dog is not a baby.

Angela:You wouldn't understand. You're not a real mother.

Oscar:Angela, I adopted my son. I am a real mother.

Angela:How many months old is Cece now?

Pam:Three months.

Angela:She should be sleeping through the night by now.

Pam:She's not.

Angela:Well, you're doing it wrong.

Pam:Thanks, Angela.

Jim:That's... that's not possible. Babies don't crawl at three months.

Pam:Yeah, I think Angela might be confused about what crawling is.

Jim:Or she's just lying. Which, honestly, with Angela, could go either way.

Oscar:You know what? Babies are just like dogs. You have to train them, establish dominance, use positive reinforcement.

Oscar:The main difference is that after a few years, the dog actually listens to you.

Angela:Having multiple children is irresponsible.

Pam:Well, we're very happy with our family.

Jim:Yeah, and they're great kids.

Pam:Thanks for your concern though, Angela.

Oscar:Having a boat is just like having a baby. You have to feed it, you have to clean it, you have to make sure it doesn't sink.

Angela:That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Pam:Yeah, babies don't need nearly as much maintenance.

Andy:Well, that was a productive day. We really got a lot done.

Andy:Somehow.

Dwight:Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy. Andy.

Dwight:You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are heavy.

Andy:This isn't working.

Dwight:It takes time, Bernard. Just relax.

Andy:My name is Andrew. And I've been hypnotized before. It didn't take then either.

Dwight:By whom?

Andy:My parents. They tried to hypnotize me into not going to Cornell. It didn't work.

Dwight:We could have them catch butterflies. The candidate who catches the most butterflies wins.

Jim:How do you qualify for butterfly catching?

Dwight:You have to eat a butterfly first.

Andy:We should go do some fun activities together. Maybe we could go drag racing?

Dwight:Drag racing? I'm in. I'll bring sticks from the beet farm.

Andy:What? No, drag racing is—

Dwight:I'm already dragging sticks. Let's go.

Andy:I'm eliminating three people. Oddly specific commentary on British judges.

Andy:Alright everyone, I'm organizing a mandatory team gathering.

Andy:Well, not mandatory. More of a... strongly suggested, heavily encouraged, absolutely required team gathering.

Jim:Cathy came up with 'Talla-nasty.'

Dwight:She did not come up with that. That's just a regular thing people say.

Jim:Stanley is like the most predictable person ever. He comes in, pretends to work, goes to lunch, comes back, leaves at five.

Jim:But apparently I don't know Stanley at all, because the man is a loose cannon.

Andy:Alright everyone, it's 11 PM, we're still here, we're grinding! Let me get a 'hell yeah' from you all!

Andy:Come on, 'hell yeah'!

Darryl:No.

Andy:Okay, how about just a regular 'yeah'?

Everyone:...

Andy:Anyone? A thumbs up? Anything?

Andy:Someone really dropped the ball on this one.

Dwight:Who dropped the ball? I'll kill them.

Andy:Well, it was during the transition from childhood to adulthood.

Dwight:Puberty?

Andy:Yes, Dwight. Someone dropped the ball during puberty.

Ryan:Name one action hero who doesn't just kill the villain. They always have to do something crazy. Like, Jean-Claude Van Damme does the splits while shooting. Arnold Schwarzenegger lifts a guy over his head and throws him off a bridge. It escalates every time.

Ryan:By now, action heroes should just be committing war crimes. Like, the next Die Hard movie, John McClane should just be carpet bombing a city. 'Yippee-ki-yay, I've been indicted by the Hague.'

Dwight:Alright everyone, I've devised the perfect drinking game. Every time someone says the word 'the,' you take a shot.

Jim:That's just... every sentence.

Dwight:Exactly. And if you laugh, you have to drink an entire beer. If you cry, you drink a shot of vodka. If you sneeze, you must immediately arm wrestle the person to your left.

Pam:What if you win the arm wrestling match?

Dwight:Then you get to punch them in the stomach.

Ryan:And if you lose?

Dwight:They get to punch YOU in the stomach. It's perfectly balanced.

Dwight:Okay, the rules are simple. We each count our buttons, and whoever has the most buttons wins.

Todd:What if I just kick you in the shins really hard right now?

Dwight:That's... that's not part of the game.

Todd:You never said it wasn't allowed.

Erin:I'll have a venti half-caf oat milk latte with an extra shot and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Andy:I'll have the most chocolatey chocolate drink you've ever made.

Erin:Sir, that's just a mocha.

Andy:Make it the most moistest mocha.

Erin:I'm moving to Florida! And the best part is, I'll always be young because everyone there is older than me.

Andy:I'm not being creepy. I'm being strategic. It's like Kelly ka-who run.

Kevin:I can't do this anymore. Every single day, the same forms, the same calls, the same fluorescent lights slowly draining my will to live.

Kevin:Do you know what I had for lunch today? A sandwich. Yesterday? A sandwich. The day before? Also a sandwich.

Kevin:I'm not living, I'm just... existing in alphabetical order.

Kevin:I get bored easily. So sometimes at work I'll just scream at the top of my lungs.

Todd:Nellie wants me to be VP. She said I'm like a thoroughbred - sleek, fast, ready to run.

Todd:So I said, 'Nellie, I'm more of a... *neighs* ...stallion.'

Todd:She just stared at me. Long pause. Then she said, 'Todd, that's not how this works.'

Dwight:Actually, horses are measured in hands, not feet. A hand is four inches. So if Todd's horse is 15 hands high, that's 60 inches, or five feet tall. Which means Todd's horse is a miniature horse, probably worth less than a used sedan.

Andy:I've planned the perfect surprise dinner. I'm taking Erin to Jamaica!

Dwight:Jamaica? Andy, that's in the Caribbean.

Andy:I know where Jamaica is, Dwight.

Dwight:Do you? Because you just booked a reservation at Jamaca's Bar and Grill in Scranton.

Andy:That's not... that's a completely different thing.

Jim:You paid for airfare to the parking lot.

Ryan:Wait, you're going to Jamaica? Isn't that dangerous?

Ryan:I mean, I've never been anywhere that wasn't a five-star resort, so I just assumed...

Brandon:You cheated on me!

Val:I did not!

Andy:Hey, hey, hey — can we all just take a moment to appreciate these delicious-looking goops?

Nellie:Oh Todd, I want you to make animal sounds.

Todd:What? Like this? Mooooo.

Nellie:No, no, no. More exotic. Like a peacock.

Todd:Meeeee-ow! Screeeee!

Nellie:Yes! Yes! Now a dolphin!

Todd:Eee-eee-eee! Click-click-click!

Nellie:A pterodactyl!

Todd:SCREEEEEEE! RAWWWWWW! CAAAAWK!

Nellie:A space alien being abducted!

Todd:BLEEEEEEP! BLOOP BLOOP! AHHHHHHH!

Cathy:You know, I played basketball in high school. I was pretty good too.

Jim:Yeah?

Cathy:Yeah, I was on the varsity team my junior and senior year.

Jim:That's cool.

Cathy:We went to the state tournament. It was amazing.

Cathy:Wait, no we didn't. We lost in the first round.

Cathy:You're a player.

Jim:Wow, you figured that out? What gave it away?

Todd:And that's how you tie a perfect knot.

Nellie:Impressive. But can you untie it as well as you tie it?

Todd:Oh, I'm much better at untying things.

Nellie:Is that so?

Todd:Yeah, I've had a lot of practice.

Kelly:I don't understand why everyone's so upset about me texting at 2 AM. Sometimes there are emergencies. Like, one time I was at the hospital and they only had those weird, thin napkins, and I needed to text Ryan immediately to tell him how bad they were.

Kelly:You know what? Fine. I'll leave. But you should know that this is literally the most exciting thing that's happened to me all year.

Kelly:My life is usually just me refreshing my Instagram and watching reality TV. So yeah, this drama? This is peak entertainment for me.

Stanley:Jim, let me tell you something. You better be careful. You cheat on your wife, and you're gonna lose everything.

Jim:Stanley, what? I would never—

Stanley:I'm just saying. One wrong move, and Pam finds out, your life is over.

Jim:Stanley, I think you have me confused with someone else. I'm completely faithful to Pam.

Stanley:That's what they all say.

Andy:The lighting in here is terrible for my skin.

Erin:I think you look great. You have such nice knowledge.

Andy:Did you just say I have nice knowledge?

Erin:Yeah, like, you just seem really knowledgeable about things.

Andy:Erin, what are you doing? You can't make waffles in a hotel room!

Erin:But Andy, they're so good!

Hotel Staff Member:Excuse me! You can't have that waffle iron in here!

Andy:Oh my God! We're so sorry! Please don't call security! Erin, why would you do this?

Erin:I just wanted to make you happy. You always look so tired.

Andy:That's... that's sweet, Erin. You're a good person. A really attractive person too, actually.

Erin:Thanks, Andy...

Kelly:Oh my god, you guys. Three dots means they're mad at you. Two dots means they're being cute. One dot is just like, whatever. And no dots? That's a breakup text.

Val:He's acting like David Blaine if David Blaine was a warehouse worker.

Dwight:I've discovered bedbugs at Schrute Farms. They're a serious infestation.

Dwight:But I've decided to turn this into a business opportunity. We're now offering tours of the ancient mattresses where the bedbugs live.

Dwight:Guests can observe their natural habitat. It's educational and profitable.

Dwight:I'm going to need to assess the mood in this office. Bedbugs are attracted to stress.

Jim:Really? I didn't know that.

Dwight:Yes. So I need everyone to remain calm and stress-free.

Jim:Well, that's going to be hard with you walking around checking everyone for bedbugs.

Dwight:Then I suggest you meditate.

Jim:Om. Om. Om.

Dwight:Stop that. You're doing it wrong.

Jim:It's like... it knows what it's doing. It's mocking us.

Dwight:Exactly! The arrogance. The sheer smugness of it.

Jim:It's infuriating.

Dwight:I want to destroy it.

Dwight:I have devised a trap. For the bedbugs. I will lie here, completely still, and wait for them to come to me. I am the bait.

Jim:Dwight, that's insane.

Dwight:Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This is not insanity. This is war. And I will not lose.

Dwight:I've created the perfect bedbug trap. I coat my entire body in a sticky substance, then I lie very still on my bed. When the bedbugs crawl onto me, they get stuck. In the morning, I scrape them off with a spatula and put them in a jar of rubbing alcohol.

Dwight:As Vice President, I will implement a strict ethical code. Anyone who questions my decisions is a chorus girl.

Jim:Did you just call me a chorus girl?

Dwight:Yes. That's what you are when you question authority.

Todd:I'm so sorry, I feel terrible.

Nellie:It's alright, don't worry about it.

Todd:No, a gentleman never vomits in front of a lady.

Cathy:You know, Jim, it's getting a little cold in here. Maybe we should share some body heat.

Jim:That's... that's not necessary.

Cathy:I insist. Come on, just a little closer.

Cathy:How could you? I'm a woman!

Cathy:I have needs, Jim. Needs that aren't being met.

Cathy:You know what? I'm telling Pam. I'm telling her everything.

Cathy:And then we'll see who the real victim is.

Pam:You know, Darryl, the thing about relationships is that people change once you're married.

Darryl:Yeah? How so?

Pam:Well, Jim used to think I was funny. Now he just thinks I'm annoying.

Darryl:That's... not really encouraging.

Pam:I know. That's why it's advice.

Erin:We're gonna move to Florida and open up a little bed and breakfast. We'll wake up every morning and smell the ocean.

Andy:That sounds amazing.

Erin:Yeah, in six months.

Andy:Six months?!

Erin:Ryan, I think you're really special and I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go out sometime?

Ryan:Erin, I'm actually dating Kelly.

Erin:Oh my god, really?

Ryan:No, not at all. I just panicked.

Nellie:I'm trying to communicate with you telepathically.

Dwight:I'm receiving something... 23?

Nellie:Yes! Yes, I was thinking of 23!

Dwight:Wait, no. That's the room number on the door behind you.

Dwight:I'm going to be Vice President. It's the natural progression. I'll start by tracing my ancestry back to show I'm descended from nobility.

Jim:Dwight, that's not how being VP works.

Dwight:Obviously I'll go further back. Medieval times. Then ancient Rome.

Pam:Why does that help you become VP?

Dwight:I'll keep going. Dinosaurs. Primordial ooze. And then I'll invent time travel to go back even further.

Jim:So you'll invent time travel to prove you're qualified to be Vice President?

Dwight:Exactly. And then I'll use that time travel to go back and ensure I was born into a VP position, which I already was, which is why I invented time travel in the first place.

Andy:I'm putting on a movie for the cool-down party. I'm thinking... Space Jam.

Jim:Space Jam? Really?

Andy:What? It's a classic!

Dwight:Space Jam came out in 1996. That's oddly specific.

Darryl:You know what? I've been reading about this dot theory thing Kelly's always talking about.

Darryl:Turns out, if you connect all the dots, it makes a picture.

Darryl:So I connected all the dots from your texts, Val. You know what picture I got?

Val:What?

Darryl:A girl who's not interested.

Dwight:I'm spraying for bedbugs. This is a highly toxic chemical formula that I've improvised myself.

Jim:Dwight, that's... that's just Febreze and... is that spray paint?

Dwight:A secret combination. And it works.

Dwight:This room is a safety hazard. It needs to be condemned.

Cathy:Well, what do you suggest?

Dwight:You'll need to share a room with me until it's cleared.

Nelline:Dwight, I know you're in there. Open this door.

Dwight:Go away, Nellie.

Nelline:I can see the light under the door. You're awake.

Dwight:That's the nightlight. I leave it on all night.

Nelline:At 2 PM on a Tuesday?