Roys Wedding

Jim:Wait, if it doesn't spin, how is it a wheel?

Dwight:Wheels should spin.

Dwight:Whirrrrrrrrrr... whirrrrrrrr... whirrrrrrrr...

Pam:They do spin.

Pam:So you have to file the quarterly reports, update the client database, and make sure the expense reports are submitted by Friday.

Unknown character:But I don't wanna do grown-up stuff!

Dwight:The wheel has feelings, Jim. You're hurting it.

Jim:Dwight, it's a wheel.

Dwight:A wheel with dreams. Dreams you're crushing every time you spin it like that.

Michael Scott:Alright everyone, gather around! We're going to make this fun. I'm going to spin this wheel and whatever chore it lands on, that person has to do it with the enthusiasm of a game show contestant!

Dwight Schrute:I'm ready. I have the stamina of a game show contestant.

Michael Scott:Okay, here we go... *spins wheel* ...Dwight, you got... filing!

Dwight Schrute:FILING?! *jumps up excitedly* OH MY GOD, I LOVE FILING! This is the best day of my life! What a prize! What a wonderful, wonderful prize!

Michael:Alright everyone, gather around! We're going to make chores fun with this spinning wheel!

Jim:A spinning wheel? What are we, at a carnival?

Michael:No, Jim. We're making work... fun. You spin the wheel, it tells you what chore to do.

Pam:That actually sounds kind of cool.

Dwight:I'm ready to take on any assignment with the utmost dedication.

Michael:Okay, here we go! *spins wheel* And it lands on... clean the break room!

Kevin:Wait, so we still have to do chores?

Michael:Well, yes, but—

Jim:It's still just work.

Michael:But... the wheel makes it fun.

Pam:Not really, Michael. It's still cleaning.

Dwight:Chores are chores, sir. No amount of spinning changes that.

Michael:*stares at wheel, deflated*

Pam:We don't understand the purpose.

Dwight:The purpose of the wheel is to move things forward.

Jim:But what if we don't want things to move forward?

Dwight:Then you're arguing against the fundamental philosophy of the wheel itself.

Pam:I may have taken some things off the chore wheel. Like, all of them. I have just been doing them myself.

Dwight:Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on, come on, come on!

Jim:What is he doing?

Pam:I think he's trying to win something.

Dwight:Miniature! Miniature! Miniature!

Michael:Why is he chanting miniature?

Dwight:Yes! A tiny Beet farm! This is the greatest day of my life!

Pam:Okay, so this tiny wheel is cute and popular.

Pam:But it turns out it's the only one with actual work.

Jim:Okay, so Tiny Wheel has chores.

Pam:But look how cute it is when it's presented that way. I mean, you can't say no to that.

Jim:It's literally just a chore wheel.

Pam:But it's a TINY chore wheel. The cuteness is overriding the actual content.

Multiple characters:Aww...

Jim:Roy's a great guy. The food at his wedding was amazing.

Pam:Jim, the entire appetizer table was just different types of meat on sticks.

Jim:Exactly. Meat on sticks. It was a sophisticated affair.

Pete:I hate dealing with customer service emails. People are just so angry all the time.

Erin:Oh, I think they're great! Everyone's just trying their best. Maybe they're having a bad day and your email will make them smile!

Pete:Erin, they're complaining about a broken toaster.

Erin:So tell them you'll fix it with the power of friendship!

Pete:That's... that's not going to work.

Erin:Not with that attitude!

Pete:So, uh, crazy weather we've been having, huh? Really something else. I mean, politics these days, am I right? Just nuts. Anyway, how about those sports teams? They're really... doing things. You follow any of them? Yeah, me too. Well, not really, but I feel like I should.

Erin:I love getting nice letters. It just makes my whole day!

Pete:Yeah, I got a letter once. It was my eviction notice. That was... not nice.

Nellie:I'm starting a charity initiative to help underprivileged children.

Nellie:If anyone opposes this, they can go f*** themselves.

Dwight Schrute:I have prepared an elegant seven-course meal service.

Jim Halpert:Dwight, is that a banana peel on the plate?

Dwight Schrute:Yes. A banana peel deserves the utmost respect and formal presentation. I have arranged the finest linens, the most exquisite china, and a dedicated server for each course.

Pam Beesly:That's just a banana peel, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute:In the Schrute family, we treat all foods with dignity, regardless of their peel status.

Jim:I'm telling you something I probably shouldn't. Pam and I made a pact that we wouldn't tell anyone at work, but... I'm going to tell you anyway.

Jim:We decided together that we wouldn't say anything about this, but honestly, I don't care. She's going to be so mad.

Ryan:Heifers International is this amazing charity where you can donate a heifer to a poor family, and it totally changes their life.

Ryan:It's like the ultimate prank. You give someone a cow and their whole world is different.

Kevin:I'm going to support Habitat for Gnomes.

Someone:It's Habitat for Humanity.

Kevin:That's what I said.

Dwight:I don't believe in charities. Billions of dollars are wasted on people who don't deserve it. Poverty is nature's way of telling you that you've failed at life.

Dwight:The only charity I support is the kind that helps strong people become stronger. That's Dwight Schrute's charity.

Andy:I'm very charitable. I donate to a lot of causes. Last week I donated to a program that teaches homeless children juggling.

Andy:It's a completely impractical skill for homeless children, but I thought, 'Hey, at least they'll have something to do while they're starving.'

Dwight:Andy, why do you care so much about maritime communication systems?

Andy:Because Dwight, the sea is a harsh mistress and those sailors out there depend on reliable communication to survive! You think it's funny? You think it's a joke? These are real people risking their lives every single day, and someone has to stand up for their right to proper radio protocols and maritime safety standards!

Michael:Dwight, you need to pick a charity for the office to support.

Dwight:I have selected the perfect organization. The Ku Klux Klan.

Michael:Dwight, no! That's not a charity, that's a hate group!

Dwight:What? I thought it stood for 'Klans Keeping Kids Keen on Learning.'

Creed:I'm not a drug guy. I just know a lot about them.

Dwight:I'm not blocking the charity initiative. I'm liberating this office from the tyranny of forced compassion.

Roy:Thanks for everything you guys did.

Roy:I dodged a bullet not marrying Pam.

Roy:You know what? I got out of the warehouse, started my own gravel company. Best decision I ever made.

Roy:People always need gravel. It's a recession-proof business.

Roy:Last year I made more money than I ever did at Dunder Mifflin.

Roy:Turns out there's a lot of money in rocks.

Roy:What do you do?

Jim:I'm in sales. I sell paper.

Roy:So you're like a competitor?

Jim:No, no. I work here. At Dunder Mifflin. I'm not competing with you.

Clark:I've been talking to someone. They're really important to me, but I can't tell you who they are yet.

Erin:Is it Dwight?

Clark:How did you—

Clark:So I'm doing this professional news audition, right? And it starts off normal - I'm reading the teleprompter, nailing it.

Clark:Then halfway through, someone hands me a glass of wine. I'm like, okay, this is a test of professionalism. I keep going.

Clark:Next thing I know, they're telling me to change outfits. So I'm doing quick changes between every segment. Still reading the news.

Clark:By the end, I'm half-naked, three glasses of wine deep, and I'm reporting on the stock market like it's a late-night comedy bit.

Clark:Didn't get the job.

Erin:Clark is a real friend. Like, we hang out outside of work and everything. We go to the movies, we get lunch... I mean, yeah, okay, I pay for everything, and he only texts me when he needs something, but that doesn't mean he's not a real friend. That just means he's a guy.

Erin:I don't understand why I'm just a receptionist. I have so many skills and talents.

Erin:I mean, I applied to be a lot of different things. How did they just pick receptionist?

Erin:I think job applications are just random. Like, they throw all the applications up in the air and whoever lands on top gets the job.

Roy:Yeah, so I met Laura at this restaurant, right? And I kept asking her for refills, asking her to take my order, the whole thing. Turns out she owned the place.

Pam:Wait, Roy's doing what?

Jim:I think he's about to sing.

Pam:Roy doesn't sing.

Jim:No, he really doesn't.

Roy:Yeah, I've been going to boxing lessons after work.

Jim:Boxing lessons? Since when?

Roy:Few weeks now. Gotta stay in shape, you know?

Pam:That's actually really cool, Roy.

Roy:Yeah, well... *pauses* ...okay, it's not boxing.

Jim:What do you mean?

Roy:I've been taking piano lessons. Classical piano. Don't tell anyone.

Jim:I wanted to surprise Pam with tickets to that concert she's been talking about.

Jim:Turns out I bought tickets to a Metallica show instead of Matchbox Twenty.

Jim:She's not really into heavy metal, so... that didn't go over well.

Jim:I bought tickets to the wrong concert.

Pam:Which concert?

Jim:I don't know, some band called 'The Who.' But here's the thing — if they're called 'The Who,' shouldn't they have to tell you who they are before you buy tickets?

Jim:So there was this one time when I was in Scranton, and I had just gotten back from—

Pam:Sandals Jamaica, 2003, you got food poisoning.

Jim:...Yeah.

Jim:So then I said to the client, 'That's what she said.'

Pam:...

Jim:Get it?

Pam:Yeah, I got it.

Jim:It was pretty funny.

Pam:Mmhmm. Really funny.

Angela:My relationship with Mark is just like Jim and Pam's. Ironic, given the senator's closeted homosexuality.

Nellie:Wait, wait, wait. You chose to donate to a charity that's a Taliban front? That's... that's not acceptable.

Dwight:It was the most efficient use of resources.

Nellie:Dwight, you can't just pick whichever charity is most efficient if it's funding terrorists! There has to be some moral consistency here.

Dwight:Morality is subjective.

Nellie:No, it isn't! Not about this!

Nellie:I challenge anyone here to name one law the Taliban has that's better than ours.

Dwight:I can't.

Dwight:But I admire their can-do attitude.

Dwight:Nellie uses Comic Sans. That tells you everything you need to know about her competence as a manager. Comic Sans is the font of the weak-minded. A strong leader uses Arial or Times New Roman. Preferably in bold.

Nellie:I'm implementing Taliban law here at Dunder Mifflin. For example, if you steal, your hand gets cut off.

Nellie:I stole a pen from Office Depot last week. So technically, I should lose this hand.

Nellie:Under Taliban law, anyone caught stealing must have their hand cut off.

Nellie:I demand we enforce that here. Immediately.

Dwight:I will not back down from Taliban law. If they say my hand must be amputated, then so be it. I will not admit error.

Nellie:Well, if I'm going to lose my hand, I might as well make it memorable. I'm thinking a final farewell tour—shake everyone's hand one last time. And then maybe something a little more... hands-on.

Andy:Clark, I have to say, your ability to make completely inappropriate requests while maintaining perfect professionalism is truly a skill. You're like a master of your craft.

Pete:Wait, so you want me to go shopping for... women's clothes? For Erin?

Michael:Yes, Pete. She needs a new wardrobe.

Pete:But I don't... I mean, I've never really... How am I supposed to know what size she is?

Erin:I'm a size 6!

Pete:Oh God. I'm going to a women's store alone. Everyone's going to think I'm... they're all going to look at me like I'm some kind of... This is not happening.

Kevin:If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Unknown character:That's not the question, Kevin.

Kevin:Oh right, sorry. Um... if you could have sex with any celebrity, who would it be?

Unknown character:Kevin, no. The question is: 'If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?'

Pam:Wait, they're all named Johnny! Johnny Depp, Johnny Knoxville, Johnny Cash...

Jim:Pam, that's just a coincidence.

Pam:Is it though? Is it?

Pam:That was a private conversation between me and Jim.

Pam:Jim, who keeps calling you? You're always sneaking away to take these mysterious calls.

Jim:Oh, it's nothing. Just work stuff.

Pam:Work stuff? Jim, we work together. I see your calls come through the office phone all the time.

Jim:Okay, okay. It's a surprise.

Pam:A surprise? For who?

Jim:For you.

Pam:Oh my God. Oh my God, are you...

Darryl:I'm not just some guy who knows about urban culture. I have a degree in film studies.

Darryl:Yeah, I appreciate that. But you know what? I'm actually really into nascar.

Oscar:You can't put Erin on the news. She looks like a sexy muppet.

Andy:Walter Cronkite had an incredible mustache. That thing was sexual.

Erin:I'm going to get that news job. I'm going to get that news job. I'm going to get that news job.

Erin:I'm going to get A news job. I'm going to get A news job.

Erin:I'm going to get news. I'm going to get news.

Erin:I'm going to get... a job.

Erin:We go now live to Afghanistan where a local car dealership is having a huge going out of business sale. Prices have been slashed up to 60% off. When we return, a look at some of the deals they're offering. Back to you in the studio.

Michael:Erin, Afghanistan doesn't have car dealerships.

Erin:Well, not anymore.

Michael:No, I mean... they never did.

Clark:Wait, where did you hear that?

Erin:I read it on the internet.

Clark:On what website?

Erin:I don't know, some website. Does it matter?

Clark:No, no, no. You need to pause after 'meaningless.' Let me show you.

Clark:Obsessive focus on... meaningless... pause.

Erin:Like that?

Clark:No, the pause needs to be longer. Obsessive focus on meaningless... ...pause.

Erin:I don't think I'm getting this.

Clark:It's all about the timing. Obsessive. Focus. On. Meaningless. Pause.

Pam:Jim, there's something I need to tell you. A guy hit on me today at lunch.

Jim:What? Who?

Pam:I don't know, just some guy. But I didn't encourage it or anything.

Jim:Okay... well, I mean, you're attractive, so...

Pam:That's sweet, but also weird that you're okay with it?

Pam:This guy at the coffee shop asked me out. He said I had the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen.

Jim:Pam, you're wearing sunglasses.

Pam:What aren't you telling me?

Jim:Fine. Okay. I've been going to the same haircut place since high school.

Pam:That's not a secret.

Jim:The stylist's name is Debra Halpert.

Andy:Erin, you need a co-host. Who do you think would be good?

Erin:Clark!

Andy:Clark is a great choice. You two will be perfect together.

Clark:Thanks, Andy.

Darryl:I brought in this motivational movie for everyone to watch.

Dwight:Wait, wait, wait. Does the hero die?

Darryl:I'm not telling you.

Dwight:If you don't tell me right now, I will leave this office and never watch your movie.

Pete:Yeah, it's so hot in here, we need to get out of the kitchen.

Erin:But I already tried the window and it's painted shut!

Pete:So, uh, I've been doing this for about five years now, very professional, very committed to the craft.

Pete:I trained at Juilliard... well, I watched videos about Juilliard.

Pete:And I think what really sets me apart is my dedication and my ability to stay focused under pressure, unlike some people who just crumble.

Pete:Speaking of which, my colleague Clark over there, he's actually been really struggling with his confidence lately. He told me he doesn't think he has what it takes.

Pete:But me? I'm ready for anything. Prime material. Star quality. The complete package.

Erin:I learned so much from working here. Kelly taught me about fashion, Ryan taught me about business, and Dwight taught me about... I don't know, beet farming I guess. And you know what? I wouldn't change a single thing about any of it.

Nellie:James Franco went to Yale and he's a Rhodes Scholar.

Dwight:False. He went to high school.

Dwight:I have an IQ of 161. What's yours, Nellie?

Nellie:Higher than your emotional intelligence, that's for certain.

Dwight:Oh, that's rich coming from someone who can't even pronounce 'charcuterie' correctly.

Nellie:At least I don't tuck my shirts into my pants like some sort of overgrown toddler.

Dwight:This is proper German fashion, Nellie. Not that you'd understand European culture.

Nellie:I'm British!

Dwight:Exactly my point.