The Cadillac (1)

Jerry:In Florida, they have a motto for driving: 'Drive slow and sit low.' That's it. That's the whole thing. 'Drive slow and sit low.' Like they're in a low-rider in Miami Beach. They're doing 25 miles an hour in a Buick, sitting so low you can't even see them over the steering wheel. Just two hands and a head floating above the dashboard.

Jerry:You know what an elderly driver looks like? It's just two hands on a steering wheel. That's it. Just these two gnarled hands, gripping at nine and three, knuckles white, veins popping out like a road map of New Jersey.

Jerry:You ever notice people who leave their turn signal on? They're just driving along... (makes gesture) ...and they never turn. So I'm like, okay, you're gonna turn eventually. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually you're gonna turn. I call it 'eventual left.' It's an official term now.

Jerry:You ever notice old people backing out of parking spots? They don't look. They just put it in reverse and go. It's like a game to them. 'I'm gonna back out, and if there's a car there, that's YOUR problem for being behind me.'

Jerry:They've got this competitive thing going. Like, 'I've been driving for sixty years. I know what's behind me. I can feel it.' No you can't! You can't feel a Honda Civic!

Jerry:And they're MAD if you honk. Like you've insulted them personally. 'How DARE you honk at me! I'm old! I've EARNED the right to destroy property!'

Kramer:Holy cow! Jerry, this is a lot of money!

Jerry:It's not that much.

Kramer:Not that much?! I've never seen a check with this many zeros!

Kramer:Wait a minute. You're rich? You're rich and you never told me?

Jerry:I'm not rich.

Kramer:You have a cleaning lady!

Jerry:I know, but that doesn't make me—

Kramer:We're done. Our friendship is over.

Jerry:You should give to charity.

Kramer:No.

George:You know, an ear, nose, and throat doctor... what's the big deal? It's not like they're doing brain surgery. They're just looking up your nose.

Elaine:George, some people have serious nasal problems.

George:Serious nasal problems? It's a nose! You breathe through it. If you can't breathe through it, you're sick. You get over it. Nobody needs a specialist for a nose.

Katy:He's just so confident and self-assured.

George:Really? You think so? Because I've been thinking about getting a hair transplant. I mean, look at this. It's just not what it used to be.

George:So who is this mystery woman you've been seeing?

Katy:I can't tell you, it's a surprise.

George:Come on, just give me a hint. Is she someone I know?

Katy:It's a famous actress.

George:Wait, Marisa Tomei? You know Marisa Tomei?

George:How is this the first I'm hearing about this? This is information I needed to know!

Jerry:I'm buying my father a car. He's very excited about it.

Jerry:I said, 'Dad, you have to be a very good boy.' And he's like, 'I will be a very good boy.' An adult man! Calling himself a very good boy!

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. How do you know Marisa Tomei?

Katy:I met her at a party.

Jerry:A party? That's it? That's the whole story? No, no, no. I need more. This is the first thing you should have told me. This is the OBVIOUS question to ask someone. 'How do you know Marisa Tomei?' It's right up there with 'What's your name?' and 'Where are you from?'

George:I'm someone's type? I'm a type? What type am I? I'm not a type. Types are good-looking guys, athletes, guys with money. I'm a bald guy with a tire store.

George:Wait, wait. Maybe I'm the 'short, stocky, bald guy' type. There's gotta be women out there who are into that. Like, maybe one in a thousand.

George:One in a thousand. That means there's thousands of them! There's thousands of women out there who want me!

George:She said I was her type.

Jerry:Your type? What are you, a font?

George:No, no, I added that.

George:She's like a young Audrey Hepburn. She's got that grace, that elegance...

Jerry:Yeah, and if she married a guy who looked like a young Marlon Brando, their kids would be beautiful.

George:Exactly!

Jerry:Of course, if she married you, they'd look like a young Danny DeVito.

George:Her lips... they're like two little sausages.

Jerry:George, you're losing it.

George:I know, but I can't help myself!

George:Oh no.

Elaine:You're not even worried about the cable guy coming?

Jerry:No, why should I be?

Elaine:He could be here any time in the next four hours!

Jerry:So?

Elaine:So you have to sit around and wait for him!

Jerry:I don't mind.

Elaine:You don't mind? Most people would go crazy!

Jerry:Well, I'm not most people. Besides, this is revenge.

Elaine:Revenge? For what?

Jerry:For all those times cable guys made me wait for them. Now it's their turn to wait for me.

Jerry:I'm telling you, I have power over the cable company. They know I can leave anytime.

Elaine:That's great, Jerry.

Jerry:No, you don't understand. I have real power. And if you ever cross me, I will use it against you.

Susan:She's so beautiful.

George:What? I wasn't looking at her!

George:What is he doing? Why would he do that? That makes no sense!

George:He's an idiot! A complete idiot!

George:I can't watch this. I can't watch this anymore.

Jerry:I'm not rich. I mean, I do okay, but I'm not like, wealthy or anything.

Elaine:Right, right. Of course not.

Jerry:I just have a nice apartment and some savings. That's all.

Elaine:Mmm-hmm. You know what? You're looking really good today.

Jerry:What? I look the same as always.

Elaine:No, there's something different. Something... successful about you.

Jerry:Look at him. He's actually enjoying this.

Jerry:The cable guy is finally getting what he deserves.

Elaine:Katy's in the hospital.

George:The hospital? What happened?

Elaine:She had some kind of accident.

George:Oh my God. Is she gonna be okay?

Elaine:I don't know, they're not sure yet.

George:Well, did she mention me? I mean, when you were talking to her, did she say anything about me?

Helen:Morty, why do you have seven open boxes of cookies in this house?

Morty:I'm eighty years old, Helen. I want to have choices!

Morty:What do you mean we can't take it? It's a Cadillac!

Helen:Morty, we discussed this. We can't accept gifts like this.

Morty:Who cares what we discussed? It's a Cadillac!

Jerry:Dad, Mom's right. It's too much.

Morty:Too much? It's a Cadillac, Jerry!

Helen:See? This is what I'm talking about.

Morty:What? What are you talking about?

Helen:You and that car. You don't even know the man.

Morty:I know him. He's a good man. A man with a Cadillac.

Jerry:That's not knowing someone, Dad.

Jerry:I give my parents one gift and suddenly I'm responsible for World War III. My mother thinks the blender is a sign I don't love her cooking. My father thinks it's a sign I'm wasting money. They're fighting over a kitchen appliance like it's the last helicopter out of Saigon.

Morty:You see this? Seat memory. My seat adjusts automatically.

Frank:What do you need that for?

Morty:Well, what if I'm driving down the road, someone else gets in my car and adjusts my seat? Then I get back in, I don't know where I am!

Frank:Who's getting in your car?

Morty:I don't know! A valet, a thief...

Jack:I'm not getting in that car.

Morty:Why not? It's a beautiful Cadillac!

Jack:A Cadillac? I don't ride in Cadillacs.

Morty:What are you talking about? You love Cadillacs!

Jack:I had a friend with a Cadillac once. Terrible experience.

Morty:One friend?

Jack:I knew a man, owned seven Cadillacs. Lost everything.

Morty:Seven?

Jack:Worked at a Cadillac factory for thirty years. They blacklisted me. The whole family.

George:An engagement? What is an engagement? It's just a thing that people do. It doesn't mean anything. It's like when you're a teenager and you go steady. It's a teenage thing!

George:Katy? Katy, can you hear me? I need to ask you something. It's very important. I need your permission to set you up with my friend Marisa. Hello? Katy?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm here to check your phone lines.

Jerry:Phone lines? What are you talking about?

Kramer:There's been some complaints in the building. I need to check all the connections.

Jerry:Wait a minute... you're not from the phone company.

Kramer:What are you talking about? Of course I am.

Jerry:No you're not. You're Kramer from upstairs.

Kramer:I know who I am!

Kramer:Yeah, hello? Hey, listen, I gotta put you on hold for a second.

Kramer:Hey, you wanna watch HBO?

Jack:You embezzled money from the company!

Morty:I did not embezzle anything!

Jack:Then how do you explain that car?

Morty:What car?

Jack:Exactly.

Jack:Your son stole my jokes!

Morty:That's ridiculous. My son would never do that.

Jack:He's using them in his act. Look at this material.

Resident:Yeah, this stuff is terrible.

Resident:Really bad.

Morty:Well, if it's so terrible, how would anyone even notice he stole it?

Jerry:You know, I'm starting to think these people aren't just crazy — they're organized crazy. Like they've formed committees.

Evelyn:Sol voted to impeach because the President didn't invite him to the state dinner. Can you believe that? A man's entire political career, based on one snub!

Helen:We're not invited to the Lichtenbergs' party. We're not invited anywhere. We're pariahs.

George:Marisa Tomei? She's gorgeous. I'm telling you, I'd do anything to go out with her.

Susan:George, you're married.

George:I know, I know. But if I wasn't... I mean, come on.

George:Actually, you know what? She's not even that pretty. I don't know what I was thinking. Average at best.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm lovin' it.

Marisa Tomei:You're incredible, George.

George:Yeah, I know.

George:It was at this moment, as I was sitting in the coffee shop, that it all became clear to me. This was it. This was the moment my life was going to change.

Jerry:You know what nobody likes? A foldout bed. Nobody. It's like sleeping on a geometry problem. You're trying to find that one sweet spot where it's not actively trying to fold you in half like a human taco.

George:I can't believe I just talked to Marisa Tomei! Me! I actually spoke to her!

George:What is happening to me? I'm like a different person. I walked right up to her and I just... I talked!

George:This is amazing. I'm amazing!

George:Okay, so I tell her I was at the movies.

Elaine:Which movie?

George:I don't know, something with explosions.

Elaine:George, you have to be specific. She'll ask you about the plot.

George:Fine, fine. A man... blows things up. There's a woman. The woman is in danger from the explosions.

Elaine:That's every movie.

George:So what? It's a good lie!

Elaine:It's not a good lie if it could apply to literally anything.

George:You're overcomplicating this. I'll just say I was with you.

Elaine:Absolutely not. We're not alibying each other. That's how you get caught.

George:So what's your brilliant plan?

Elaine:You were at the dentist.

George:The dentist? I have no fillings!

Elaine:He's a marine biologist.

George:A marine biologist.

Elaine:He lives in the woods.

George:The woods?

Elaine:He's very unique.

George:Does he have a job?

Elaine:He's a stockbroker.

Elaine:No, wait—he's a lawyer.

George:Which is it?

Elaine:He's a marine biologist who works as a stockbroker and a lawyer.

George:That's ridiculous.

Elaine:But it works.

Mrs. Choate:He mugged me for a marble rye!

Jerry:I did not mug you for a marble rye.

Mrs. Choate:You knocked me down in front of the bakery!

Jerry:I would never mug anyone for a marble rye. That's ridiculous.

George:It's not an affair if you're not in a relationship. I'm not in a relationship with Susan, so technically it's not an affair.

Susan:We've been dating for two years, George.

George:Yes, but there was never a definitive moment where we agreed to be exclusive. It's all implied. Implied doesn't count.

Elaine:That's insane.

George:Is it? Or is it the only sane way to live?

Cable Guy:You think you've won, but this isn't over. I know where you live. I know your schedule. I'll be back when you least expect it, and your cable will go out at the most crucial moment of your life.

George:You know, I was thinking about the word 'manure.' It's a good word. It's a funny word. But I was thinking, if it had been a different word, it might have been useful.

George:Like, if it was 'ma-new.' That would be a great opening line. 'Hey baby, you're ma-new.' Like, you're new to me, you're my new.

George:But instead we got 'manure.' Man you're. That's not a pickup line, that's a description of what I do for a living.

Susan:Wait, you said Art Vandelay was an architect, but last week you said he was a marine biologist.

Elaine:He... he changed careers! People do that.

Susan:And you said he lived in New York, but then you mentioned his place in Aruba.

Elaine:He has two homes! Very successful people have two homes.

Susan:Elaine, Art Vandelay doesn't exist, does he?

Elaine:Of course he exists! I have a picture of him. Well, I had a picture. It got... wet.

Susan:What does Art Vandelay import?

George:Uh, latex. He's a latex salesman.

Mrs. Choate:You're the one who got mugged!

Jerry:Yes, that was me.

Mrs. Choate:I was mugged the same day! Same neighborhood!

Morty:This is incredible. What are the odds?

Jerry:Pretty good in that neighborhood.

Morty:You see? You see what this is? This is a conspiracy. They're setting me up!

Mrs. Choate:What are you talking about?

Morty:Don't you see? You, him—it's all connected. They want to make it look like crime is rampant so they can discredit me before the hearing!

Jerry:Okay, okay, I'll do it. I'll call them back and apologize. I was wrong. I was completely wrong about the cable company.

Jerry:From now on, I'm paying my bill on time, I'm being respectful to the customer service representatives, and I'm accepting whatever channels they give me without complaint.

Jerry:No more fighting the system. No more thinking I'm smarter than the cable company. They win. They always win. I'm done.