Susan Ross

Susan · Kramer · Jerry · George:Kramer, are you drinking that milk? / Yeah. / What's the expiration date on that? / September third. / The third? / The third?

Susan · Jerry:I can't believe she took the money. / Why? / I offered to pay. She should have said no. / She did. You insisted.

Susan:Susan about the vomiting incident: 'It was only vomit.'

George · Susan:'Is Ted Danson's deal standard?' / 'You're not Ted Danson.'

Susan · George:Susan: 'You're a writer. You'll think of something.' George: 'Oh, yeah. I'm a writer. I forgot.'

Susan · Donald's Mother:So then he makes his own bed? — Well, that's one of the things we fight about.

George · Jerry · Susan:Bubble boy tried to kill me. — What? — Susan, tell them. — It's a long story.

George · Susan · Jerry · Elaine:Do you smell something? / Yeah. Smoke. / Yeah. Definite smoke. / Look, it's a fire! / Holy cow, look at that! / It's my father's cabin! The cabin is on fire.

Mr. Ross · Susan:I didn't care much for his jokes. — Daddy never laughs. — What is that? What is the point of opening your mouth and going: [laughter sound] — What is that?

Susan · George:The cabin is kind of... — George? — Burned.

Mr. Ross · Susan · George:Burned? — The cabin burned? — Burned? — Burned.

Susan · George:This is my brother Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend. — Hey, there, young fella. — What's your major? — I don't have one. — Well, you should always consider podiatry. Nothing wrong with the feet.

Jerry · Susan · Mr. Ross:From — From John Cheever! — 'Dear Henry... last night with you was bliss. I fear my orgasm has left me a cripple... I love you madly, John. P.S. Loved the cabin.'

George · Susan:George: 'Two weeks ago, I tried a soft-boiled egg. Never liked it before. Now, I'm dunking a piece of toast in there and I'm loving it!' Susan: 'I'm not a soft-boiled egg.'

Susan · George:Susan: 'Why were there so many cockroaches?' George: 'Because there was a lot of cake lying around the house, just sitting there with all the excess milk from all the experiments.'

George · Kramer · Susan:George and Kramer discover Susan — George's ex — holding hands with a woman named Mona at the video store

George · Susan:George asks Susan how long this has been going on. She says 'Since you and I broke up.' Beat. George: '...went that way?'

George · Susan:George asks Susan if he's responsible for her '...metamorphosis.' The word choice — 'metamorphosis' — is immediately undercut by a $98 bill interrupting them.

George · Susan:George asks Susan: 'If you and Mona were ever to dance, how do you decide who leads? Do you take turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?' Susan: 'You're an idiot.' George: 'Why? That's a legitimate sociological question.'

Susan · George:Susan: 'Oh, and George, by the way, you stink. You need a bath.' George: 'It's not me! It's the car!'

Jerry · Kramer · Susan:Kramer asks Jerry to smell him. Jerry starts to, then is interrupted by Susan banging on the door demanding to know why Kramer stole Mona.

George · Susan:George spots Allison — a woman he dated after Susan — and she's now visibly interested in Susan. George: 'Oh, my God. It's Allison. I dated her right after you. She was obsessed with me.'

Allison · Susan · George:Allison compliments Susan's vest. George and Susan watch the obvious attraction develop between Allison and Susan.

Susan · George:All right. George, it's you. / You are damn right it's me.

Susan · George:I'm sure you do it very well. / Yes, well, unfortunately, you'll never get the chance to find out.

Susan · George:George's father calls Susan's mother to report seeing George eating ice cream on TV — the chain of humiliation extends to his parents.

George · Susan:How come you eat your peas one at a time? / Well, what's the hurry?

George · Susan:George, what is it? / Will you marry me?

Susan · Estelle:I just want you to know that I love your son very much. / You do? / Yes. / Really? / Yes. / May I ask why?

George · Susan:I am ready. / You're wearing that shirt?

George · Susan:Did you like it? / Yes, it was very, very good. / Do you think he'll ever find her? / Oh, I sure hope so. / How about when Ford jumped out of that plane and was shooting back as he was falling? / What about the underwater escape?

Jerry · Susan:MSG's rerunning the Yankee game. / George, are you coming to bed? I taped Mad About You.

George · Susan:The George/Susan scene: exact mirroring of the George/Jerry conversation about the day starting with 'Hey. / Hey. How was your day? / Good. Good day. / How was your day? / Oh, it was okay.'

Susan:If you don't wanna marry me, George, just say so. Just say so!

George · Susan:Mirrored domestic dialogue: 'Hi. / Hi, how was your day? / Good. Good day. / How was your day? / Oh, it was okay.' repeated verbatim in George and Susan's apartment before the second postponement attempt

Susan:Oh, George, George. Of course. Of course it can wait till March if that's what you want.

George · Susan:I don't like it. It's red. It's too flashy. — Well, you could use a little flash. — All right, don't change me. Susan, don't change me.

Susan:Name one.

George · Susan:Because I love you so much, and I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie? / Oh, George, you're so sweet. / Well, I can be a little sweetie-tweetie-wheetie-wheetie.

Susan:Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things... it's such a great step forward in our relationship. Because you love your little Kiki, don't you?

Jerry · George · Susan · Soup Nazi:I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that. But the mental thing... But, anyway... / I'll see you. / Yeah. / See you. / Go on, leave. Get out! / But I didn't do anything. / Next.

Susan:Well, from now on, I'll keep you apprised of my cycles.

George · Susan:Please. / Anything else? / We're out of Bosco.

George · Susan:Yeah, we got along real well. Because, you know, she has no female friends. / You know that, don't you? / Something strange about a woman whose friends are all men.

Susan:Elaine opened up her vault.

George · Susan:Did you just say 'vault'? / Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong? / You got that from Elaine? / Yeah. So what? / Well, it's a little strange. Are you gonna start to talk like Elaine from now on?

Elaine · Susan · Jerry · George:Look who I ran into. / Great. / Yeah. / Yeah.

Susan · Elaine:'George. Elaine and I went to see Chunnel with Jerry.' / 'Love'? / Yeah. / 'Love, Susan.'

Movie · George · Jerry · Elaine · Susan:The English Channel Tunnel... / Jerry. / ...or Chunnel runs 32-- / Where are you? / With two openings. / One here. And another here. / I know you like to sit back here.

Jerry · Susan · Elaine:Good, huh? / What'd you think, Susan? / I don't know. I couldn't hear anything. / You two talked the whole movie. / Oh, well, come on.

Jerry · Susan · Elaine:Good, huh? / What'd you think, Susan? / I don't know. I couldn't hear anything. You two talked the whole movie. / Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it.

Jerry · Susan:You wanna go grab a bite to eat? / No, I don't think so. / Why not? / Well, you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop talking...sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it.

Susan · George:You know, I really like those new jeans Jerry was wearing. He's really thin. / Not as thin as you think.

Susan · George:What? Oh, how could he be so vain? / Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know.

George · Susan:I can't believe I just told you that. / Why not? / Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know. / It's all right, I'm your fiancée. Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything.

Susan · George:Can we stop by a drug store first? / What for? / I'm out of birth control stuff. / Oh, yeah. / Where am I gonna park? / No, don't park. I'll just sit in the car. You can run in. / Me run in? Why don't you run in? / You don't know what I use for birth control, do you?

George · Susan:Of course I do. / You do? What? / You know, you use the: / The what? / You know, the:

Susan · George:Just get me some Sponges, please. / Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They don't have them anymore. / What? / I just found out they're off the market. / Off the market? The Sponge? / So you gotta use something else. / I can't. I love the Sponge. I need the Sponge.

George · Susan:Elaine and her Sponges. She's got like a war chest full of them. / I don't see why you can't just use condoms. / Oh, no, no. No, condoms are for single men. The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.

George · Susan:I can never get the package open in time. / Well, you just tear it open. / It's not that easy. It's like Beat the Clock. There's a lot of pressure there.

Susan · George:Come on, George, just rip it open. / I'm trying, damn it. / Tear it from the side. / I tried to tear it from the side. I can't get a good grip. You gotta do it like a bag of chips. / Give it to me. / Wait a second. / Give it to me. Give it to me. / Wait a second. / You see? You see? I got it. / Come on. [19:57] It's too late.

George · Susan:Good morning. / Good morning. / How did you sleep? / Great. / You? / Fine, fine. / Everything okay? / Yep. / No regrets? / Nope.

Susan · George · Elaine (implied):What are you doing? / Oh, I don't think so. / Why not? I thought you said everything was fine. / I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of them.

Frank · Estelle · George · Susan:Frank Costanza panics over Susan's zipper: 'All right. All right. Let's not get into panic mode! Let's not make a big deal out of this, or we'll never get through it.'

Susan · George:They're naming their baby Seven. / What? They're stealing the name? That's my name. I made it up.

Susan:Boy, she's beautiful, don't you think? I wish I looked like that.

Susan:Turn it off. You're making me jealous. I'm gonna think you like her more than you like me.

George · Susan:Yeah. Yeah, I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. / Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man. Like that's her type.

Susan · George:Are you having an affair with Elaine? / Right, come on. I'm having an affair with Elaine? If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm seeing Elaine. I would make up another person to tell you I would see and then I would go see Elaine.

Elaine · Susan:George felt that I was too adamant in my stand that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing. / Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting. / What did I say? / The importing.

Susan · Elaine:So, what does he import? / Chips. / What kind of chips? / Potato. / Some corn. / And what does he export? / Diapers.

Susan · George · Houseguest:Susan: 'Hey sweetie, how was your day?' — immediately after George already answered that question

George · Susan:Susan catches George mid-negotiation with the woman; George says 'Hi, honey' with complete composure

George · Susan:George's entire speech about cultivating doubt with Susan — insisting she should doubt him even though she says she has no doubt

George · Susan:George? Yeah? Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure, sure.

Susan:I've been doing a lot of thinking about the wedding and all... and I've decided to go with the chicken.

George · Susan:George points to the cheapest, ugliest invitations. Susan: 'Oh, no. George, that's so ugly. We don't want that.' George: 'What's the difference? You just read it and mail it right back.'

George · Stationer · Susan:Why don't they make them anymore? 'Well, for one thing, the glue isn't very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture to make them stick.' 'So we pick up some Elmer's.'

Kramer · Susan:Kramer calls Susan 'Lilly.' She corrects him. He insists: 'Well, you look like a Lilly.'

George · Susan:Susan catches George smoking. George: 'I've always smoked.' Susan: 'I've never seen you smoke.' George: 'Oh, yeah, well, big smoker.'

George · Susan:George presents the prenup to Susan. She laughs. George: 'What's so funny?' Susan: 'You don't have any money. I make more money than you do.' George's silent reaction.

Susan:Susan, signing the prenup while laughing: 'Yeah, give me the papers, I'll sign them.'

Kramer · Susan:Kramer: 'By the way, I saw that English Patient film last night. It was extraordinary.' Susan: 'Oh, yes, it was so romantic.' Kramer: 'It ravished me.'