The Cheever Letters

Jerry:You know what the office is really about? It's not about the work. It's about the supplies and the free stuff. That's it. You take away the supplies and the free stuff, there is no office. There's no reason to go.

Jerry:You know what's funny about those family photos on office desks? People act like they might forget they have a family. Like they need the picture as a reminder. 'Oh right, I have a wife and kids! That's why I'm miserable!'

George:So, Mr. Ross, I understand you're in the fabric business.

Frank Ross:That's right.

George:Fabrics. That's a great business. Very, uh, textile-y.

Frank Ross:What do you do?

George:I'm in real estate. Commercial real estate. Very similar to fabrics, actually. Both involve... materials.

Susan:George!

George:What? I'm making conversation!

Jerry:It's very comical.

Jerry:It's not like we burned down the cabin. We just... enhanced its ventilation.

George:Yeah, and honestly, who needs four walls anyway?

Jerry:Besides, we couldn't even build a decent bookshelf. What made us think we could handle a whole cabin?

George:We're not builders, Jerry. We're barely functional adults.

Jerry:Why are you so particular about pens?

George:Because a pen is a very personal thing, Jerry. It's an extension of yourself. I only write with Rolling Writer pens.

Jerry:It's a pen, George.

George:No, it's not just a pen. It's a Rolling Writer pen. There's a difference.

Jerry:You see, writing is a very complex process. It requires a lot of thinking. And thinking, as I'm sure you know, is very important.

Jerry:Oh, I just remembered I have to make an important call from that pay phone over there. It's urgent.

Jerry:No, it can't wait. It has to be from that specific pay phone. Right now.

Jerry:Hello? Yeah, hi. No, I can't talk right now, I'm trying to write. Yeah, I know, I know. Listen, I gotta go.

Jerry:What is this? This pencil is like rubber. The whole thing is rubber. There's no wood left on this pencil.

Jerry:A man walks into an apartment, sits down on the couch, and turns on the TV.

George:It's beautiful.

Elaine:Well, sometimes they don't laugh.

Kramer:You know, I'm out of cigars. I lost them in the fire.

George:So what do you want me to do about it?

Kramer:Well, why don't you ask that man whose cabin you burned down? He seemed to have plenty.

George:You can't just walk into someone's apartment and take their food out of the refrigerator!

Kramer:Why not? I'm hungry.

George:Because it's not your apartment! It's not your food!

Kramer:So? You do it at my place all the time.

George:That's different! You invited me!

Kramer:I'm inviting myself. Problem solved.

Kramer:These public golf courses, Jerry. I mean, who are these people? The calibre of people at these places - it's not my scene.

George:I gotta go. I'm meeting this woman for dinner.

Jerry:What about the script?

George:We made great progress today.

Jerry:We wrote two lines.

George:Yeah, two lines of gold.

Susan's mother:George, you know, you remind me so much of our daughter Janet.

Susan's father:Yes, the resemblance is uncanny.

George:What? How do I remind you of Janet?

Susan's mother:Oh, I don't know. It's just something about the facial structure.

Susan:Mom, that's not very nice.

Susan's father:We're just saying he has delicate features.

George:You know, I've been thinking about podiatry. It's a fascinating field. Nobody knows who their podiatrist is. You could be married to a podiatrist for ten years and not even know it.

George:Think about it. A podiatrist is the most anonymous doctor. You go in, they look at your feet, you leave. There's no relationship. It's just feet.

George:I could be a podiatrist. I have hands. I could look at feet all day. Nobody would ever suspect me of being a podiatrist.

George:Oh, they were great! Really great cigars. I smoked 'em all the time. Best cigars I ever had. I miss 'em.

George:Weird. Wild. Stuff.

Susan's Father:Carson? His material is all about how things are different when you go to the supermarket. That's not comedy, that's observations.

Susan:Well, he's very popular.

Susan's Father:Popular doesn't mean funny. Regis is popular. Is he funny?

Susan:My father doesn't laugh.

Susan's Father:Laughing is just noise. It's barbaric, really. Ha! Ha! Ha! See? Meaningless.

Mr. Ross · George:Oh, I forgot to ask you: how'd you like the cabin? — Oh, the cabin. Well...

Jerry:Look, I was being sarcastic. You know, sarcasm? It's kind of my thing.

Sandra:Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Jerry:Because I'm a comedian! Sarcasm is like my bread and butter. It's what I do for a living!

Sandra:So you're telling me that everything you say is sarcastic?

Jerry:No, not everything. But when I said it, the context made it pretty clear.

Frank Costanza:This cabin, it's very special to me. My wife and I, we spent many wonderful years here.

Frank Costanza:She died here.

Frank Costanza:It's a beautiful cabin. My father left it to me, and I'm leaving it to you.

Susan's Father:That's very nice, Frank. But I want you to have the cabin.

Frank Costanza:No, no, I couldn't. You keep it.

Susan's Father:Frank, I'm dying. Take the cabin. Promise me you'll take the cabin.

Frank Costanza:Alright. I promise.

Susan's Father:And Frank... one more thing. Take care of Susan. She's going to need you.

Frank Costanza:I will. Don't you worry about Susan. The cabin is in good hands.

Susan's Father:This cabin is my sanctuary. When I come here, I leave all my troubles behind.

George:It's like Superman's Fortress of Solitude.

Susan's Father:Exactly.

George:Except instead of fighting crime, you're here mourning your dead wife.

George:A cabin? What am I gonna do with a cabin? I can't even keep a plant alive.

Susan's father:You burned down the cabin?

George:Yes.

Susan's father:Our cabin?

George:Yes.

Susan's father:The cabin we've had for fifteen years?

George:Yes.

Susan:I can't believe you burned down my parents' cabin!

George:It was an accident!

George:Well, I mean, when you think about it, there is a certain... irony to the whole thing. I mean, here you are, you're dealing with this tragedy, and yet... it's kind of comical, isn't it?

Jerry:I was trying to be considerate! I thought if I said something weird, she wouldn't take it personally.

Jerry:I can't get women to stop touching me.

George:That's because women operate on a superior level. They know things we don't know.

Jerry:You know, it was very... suggestive.

George:Suggestive? What do you mean suggestive? Like what, she talked dirty?

Jerry:Well, let's just say it was... adult.

George:Adult?! Jerry, I need specifics here. Did she use the word 'panties'? Did she mention any body parts? Any animals?

Jerry:George, I'm not going to—

George:Any produce? Jerry, work with me here! I'm dying over here!

George:What?! She said that?!

George:I can't believe Sandra said that!

George:Where does she even come up with this stuff?

George:Water! I need water!

Jerry:I don't know how to do this. I'm not good at this kind of thing. I tried once, you know, I said something about her mother's underwear. I said, 'Your mother wears Fruit of the Loom.' She did not find that sexy.

George:What did you just say to me?

Jerry:I have no idea why I said that.

George:You can't just say 'panties' to a woman you don't know!

George:He took it pretty well. He cried for about twenty minutes, then he just sat in a chair and stared at the wall for two hours.

George:We've been working on this for weeks. We finally cracked it.

Jerry:What do you have?

George:Well, a man comes home from work. He says, 'Hi, honey, I'm home.'

Jerry:That's it?

George:No, wait. The woman says, 'Hi, how was your day?'

Jerry:George, that's just... that's just a greeting.

George:Exactly! A real greeting. That's what people want to see.

Jerry:We could add another greeting. Like 'How's it going?'

George:How's it going? That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Cuban Diplomat:What is your nationality?

Kramer:I'm American.

Cuban Diplomat:Then you cannot buy Cuban cigars.

Kramer:Well, what if I renounce my citizenship?

Cuban Diplomat:Those cigars are illegal in this country.

Kramer:That's a nice jacket.

Frank Costanza:You know, there's a certain etiquette when it comes to wheelchairs. You don't just grab onto someone's wheelchair without asking.

Susan's father:What are you talking about?

Frank Costanza:I'm saying, you treat a wheelchair like you treat a person's shoes. You don't just wipe your feet on it.

Susan:What is this? A love letter? To my father? From... Ian McKellen?

George:Your father was gay?

Susan:Apparently he had a very fulfilling relationship with one of the most celebrated actors of our time.

Kramer:Ian McKellen? The guy's a legend!

Susan:My whole life is a lie.

Frank Costanza:You want to know the truth? I'll tell you the truth. John Cheever... I loved him. And I don't care who knows it!

Frank Costanza:You people, you're all the same. You don't understand passion, you don't understand art!

George:I gotta go.

Jerry:Where are you going?

George:I have to... meet someone.

Jerry:Who?

George:A guy. About a thing.

Jerry:What thing?

George:It's... it's not important. The point is I can't stay here.

Jerry:Your mother's in the other room.

George:Exactly! Which is why I need to leave immediately. Right now. This second.

Jerry:I'll pay your phone bill.

Elaine:Really? Thank you so much!

Elaine:I'm going back to my apartment.

Jerry:Alright.

Elaine:And I don't want to hear another word about my underwear.

George:We weren't even talking about your underwear.

Elaine:Well, just so we're clear.

Jerry:You know what I think? I think maybe sex isn't even the most important thing in a relationship. Maybe conversation is. I mean, think about it - you spend all this time talking to someone, getting to know them, and then you're supposed to just... stop talking?

Jerry:You know what's going to happen? Voicemail is going to replace phone sex. Guys are going to be too lazy. They're going to call up, and instead of actually doing the whole thing, they're just going to leave a message: 'Hey baby, it's me. Call me back.' That's it. That's going to be the extent of it.

Jerry:You know what's ruining phone sex? Call-waiting. I'm in the middle of something, and suddenly... *beep beep* — 'Oh, hold on a second.' Nothing kills the mood like being put on hold during phone sex. It's like, 'Stay right there, I'll be right back.' By the time you come back, the whole thing's fallen apart. You might as well say, 'Would you like to hold, or should I just call you back tomorrow?'

Jerry · George:The second return to writing — same ritual, same result. 'Let's go. Come on, now. You got it. All right, what do you got? I got, you come in, you say Hi. And then I say Hello. — All right, so we need something. — How about this: I say, How's it going? — How's it going? Beautiful. — Come on, we were just on a roll.'

Jerry · George:The script has advanced to: 'You come in, you say Hi. And then I say Hello.' — 'How about this: I say, How's it going?' — 'How's it going? Beautiful.'

Elaine · Jerry:You know how much money you cost me today? $429. — What? How? — I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay. So she blabs to Lippman about my long-distance calls to Europe!

Elaine:'I made a friend when I was in Europe. And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!'

Jerry · Elaine:Hey, look, I'm gonna pay for that. — No, no. — No, I insist. I was the one that encouraged you to fire her. The whole thing was all my — Okay. — Fault. — Do you smell smoke?

Kramer:Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends here. This is Luis, Jorge and Umberto. — Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester. Gonna hit the links.

Jerry · Elaine:Hey, what are you reading? — The Falconer, by John Cheever. It's really excellent. — John Cheever. You ever read any of his stuff? — Yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. You know.

Elaine:Maybe I'll visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties, and they're all laid out for me.

Jerry:There's this whole talking-during-sex business. Does the talking really improve the sex? Or is the sex act now just there to spice up the conversation?

Jerry:Eventually, I'm sure people will get too lazy even for phone sex. They'll start having phone machine sex. 'Yeah, I want you really bad. Just leave it on the tape.'

Jerry:Then, I guess, the phone company will come out with sex-waiting. 'Yeah, hold on, honey. I got another call. Oh, hi, baby. One second. Honey, I've gotta take this. Yeah, I've got sex-waiting on the other line and I've got to take this.'