The Bubble Boy

Jerry:You know what's crazy? You call someone and you hope they don't answer. You're like, 'Please don't pick up, please don't pick up.' And then they pick up and you're disappointed. You're like, 'Oh man, now I gotta talk to you.'

Jerry:You know, an answering machine is like life support for your social life. If you don't check it, you're basically a vegetable.

Jerry:We're always looking for approval from people we don't even like. It's crazy. Someone you can't stand, you run into them on the street, and suddenly you're hoping they think you look good that day.

Jerry:I ate so much garlic last night, I woke up this morning and my mouth tasted like a Italian restaurant.

George:How much garlic are we talking about?

Jerry:I thought it was peanuts.

Kramer:You thought garlic was peanuts?

Jerry:They were both in a bowl! How am I supposed to know the difference?

Jerry:You're so happy-go-lucky.

Naomi:Happy-go-lucky? What does that even mean? Happy I understand. Go, that's movement. But lucky? That's just something that happens to you. You can't control luck. So really, I'm happy, I go places, and sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things happen. So I'm more like happy-go-unlucky.

Naomi:I'm not trying to be funny.

George:So what's so weird about her laugh?

Jerry:It's like a donkey braying mixed with a dolphin clicking while being electrocuted.

George:That's very specific.

Jerry:I know what I heard.

George:Well, you do have that kind of... distinctive laugh. It's got a very distinctive quality to it.

George:I'm not saying it's bad! I'm just saying it's... it's there. It's noticeable.

George:No, no, no, you don't understand. A juicer—a good juicer—it extracts the pulp, separates the juice, you get maximum yield. That's efficiency!

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:I'm talking about the juicer! You can't just squeeze an orange with your hands like some kind of caveman. You need the proper equipment. The motor, the filter basket, the collection cup...

Jerry:We're not discussing juicers.

George:Well, we should be! Because that's what life is—it's a juicer. You go in one end, and if you're not careful, you come out the other end as pulp.

Jerry:It's like dating a car mechanic who laughs like a dentist. You can't do it. The two things don't go together.

Jerry:She's like Coco Chanel.

George:Coco Chanel?

Jerry:Yeah, you know, she's got style, she's got class, she's got that certain je ne sais quoi.

George:I don't get it.

Jerry:What do you mean you don't get it? Coco Chanel revolutionized women's fashion. She took the corset off, she made women comfortable. She's chic, she's sophisticated, she changed the way women dress.

George:So you're saying she's like... a fashion designer?

Jerry:No! I'm saying she HAS those qualities. Why does everything have to be explained?

George:Susan just can't stand Kramer.

Susan:He's disgusting! Do you know what he did?

George:What?

Susan:He came out of the bathroom and didn't wash his hands!

George:So what? A lot of people don't wash their hands.

Susan:While he was eating my pie!

Kramer:Giddy up!

Jerry:Oh, that's terrible. I'm really gonna miss you.

George:Yeah, we'll barely survive without you.

Kramer:Well, I'll try to get back as soon as I can.

Kramer:So what's around here? Any golf courses nearby?

Jerry:Golf courses? No, no. This whole area is devoted to pie-making.

George:Pie-making?

Jerry:Yeah, it's the pie capital of the world.

George:It's strawberry!

Jerry:Blueberry!

George:Raspberry!

Jerry:Blackberry!

George:Boysenberry!

Jerry:Gooseberry!

George:Marionberry!

Jerry:Elderberry!

George:Huckleberry!

Jerry:I'm very impressed.

George:So where am I sleeping?

Jerry:You're in the bed.

George:Where are you sleeping?

Jerry:I'm in the bed.

George:We're both in the bed?

Jerry:Yeah.

George:For how long?

Jerry:A few nights.

George:A few nights? Jerry, I don't think that's going to work out. I'm a bed hog. I steal covers. I sweat. Sometimes I make involuntary vocalizations.

Jerry:What kind of vocalizations?

George:I don't know. Grunts. Moans. Sometimes I cough up a lung.

Kramer:What would you wear?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe shorts and a t-shirt.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, that's good. I'd probably wear just underwear.

Jerry:Just underwear?

Kramer:Yeah, why not? Then I'd take off the underwear.

Jerry:Your son lives in a bubble?

George:He lives in a bubble?

Mel:A plastic bubble, yes.

Jerry:A bubble.

George:What kind of bubble?

George:We made sacrifices.

George:Bubble boy.

Jerry:Wait, so the bubble is just... clear plastic? I thought it was made of air! Like, actual air that they somehow trapped and shaped into a bubble. I've been picturing them in a factory with these giant air-catching nets, carefully folding the air into bubble shape. Do you know how disappointed I am right now?

Jerry:So you're telling me you live in a bubble?

Mel:That's right. Completely sealed. No outside air.

Jerry:How do you breathe?

Mel:I have a machine. It recycles the air.

Jerry:What happens when the machine breaks?

Mel:I have a backup machine.

Jerry:And if that breaks?

Mel:I have a backup for the backup.

Jerry:You're just delaying the inevitable.

Mel:That's the whole point of the bubble.

Jerry:So I'm at the coffee shop, and this guy sits down next to me and starts reading my newspaper. My newspaper! Over my shoulder like we're old friends.

Elaine:What did you do?

Jerry:I just sat there. What am I gonna say? 'Excuse me, you're invading my personal space and my newsprint at the same time'?

Elaine:That's weird.

Jerry:Oh, you know George. He's gotta make 'good time.' He once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy airport in 25 minutes. I never heard the end of it.

George:So what are you doing this weekend?

Jerry:I don't know, I might go to the movies.

George:The movies? That sounds great!

Jerry:Yeah, well, I'm not sure yet. I might just stay home.

George:Stay home? But you just said you were going to the movies!

Jerry:I know, I know. I'm trying to work up some enthusiasm here.

Elaine:Do you think George likes Susan?

Jerry:Like her? He's marrying her. There's a difference between liking someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them.

George:I'm making great time. I haven't hit a single red light.

Jerry:That's because you're doing 65 in a 35.

George:Exactly! I'm like a Formula One driver.

Jerry:You're like a maniac. The police are going to pull you over.

George:No they won't. I'm too smooth.

Jerry:You're going to get us killed!

George:Oh yeah? Well, I once made it from the George Washington Bridge to the Battery in twelve minutes.

Jerry:That's impossible.

George:I was doing ninety the whole way.

Elaine:Why didn't you get directions?

Jerry:I don't need directions. I have an innate sense of direction.

Elaine:You got us lost.

Jerry:I was following George.

Elaine:George doesn't know where he's going either!

Jerry:Yeah, but I know how to follow him.

Kramer:Yeah, well, you know, I was thinking about what you said about the pie... and I realized something. There's actually a whole country dedicated to it. Yeah, it's called Pie-land. They export it all over the world. It's a real place!

George:My face killed my grandmother.

Jerry:I'll just have water.

Waitress:You're gonna order water? What kind of restaurant do you think this is?

Jerry:I'm just not thirsty for anything else.

Waitress:Oh, so you come in here, take up a table, and you're not even gonna buy a drink? That's not how we do business here, pal.

Jerry:It's Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld.

Elaine:Oh, you mean Giddy? Giddy Seinfeld?

Jerry:So this is the famous bubble boy.

Bubble Boy:You got a problem with that?

Jerry:No, no problem.

Bubble Boy:You think I'm some kind of freak.

Jerry:I didn't say that.

Bubble Boy:You're looking at me like I'm some kind of freak! Get out! Get out of my house!

Elaine:He's lying. They're in the trunk.

Elaine:What did you write?

Jerry:I wrote, 'To Brian, thanks for being a fan. Best wishes, Jerry Seinfeld.'

Elaine:That's the worst autograph I've ever seen. It's so impersonal. You sound like a hostage reading a ransom note.

Donald:Why are you staring at me?

George:I'm not staring. I was just... I know a lot about bubbles.

George:You know, I've been thinking about this bubble thing, and I realize the bubble industry is much more connected than people think.

George:My father actually knew a man who sold bubbles to the circus. The circus! Can you imagine?

George:And that man knew someone who supplied bubbles to a major motion picture. A major motion picture, Jerry!

George:So really, when you think about it, my knowledge of bubbles comes from a very informed place. Very informed.

Donald (Bubble Boy):Hey, Ma! What the hell do I gotta do to get some food around here? I'm starving. And if it's peanut butter, I'm gonna shove it in your face!

George:I can't play Trivial Pursuit. I'm not good at it.

Kramer:What are you talking about? It's just trivia.

George:I don't know anything!

Kramer:Well, you're gonna have to play. We need four people.

George:No, no, I can't do it. I'll embarrass myself.

Jerry:Come on, George, it'll be fun.

George:Fun?! You want to see me humiliated in front of everyone?

Kramer:Nobody's gonna humiliate you, buddy.

George:You don't understand. I'm fragile. I'm like a bubble... and if I lose, I'm gonna pop.

Elaine:This salad is amazing.

George:It's the Moors.

Donald:Moops.

George:What are you talking about? The Moors invaded Spain in the year 711.

Donald:It's Moops. M-O-O-P-S.

George:It's a misprint. It's supposed to be Moors.

Donald:No, that's what it says right here on the card. Moops.

George:It's the Moops!

Donald:No, no, no. It's the Moors. M-O-O-R-S.

George:The card says Moops!

Donald:It's a misprint. It's the Moors.

George:I'm reading it. M-O-O-P-S.

Donald:That's a typo!

George:It's not a typo. You're wrong!

Donald:I happen to know that it's the Moors, with an 'R'. M-O-O-R-S!

George:Well, I'm sorry, but the card clearly says M-O-O-P-S. The Moops!

Jerry:Who would hurt the Bubble Boy?

George:I don't know, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was someone who knew him.

Kramer:The water's not that cold.

George:Not that cold? Kramer, my nipples could cut glass right now.

Kramer:Well, that's just a physiological response. Your body's trying to generate heat.

George:I don't care about my body's response. I care about my body's comfort.

Jerry:So George, this is quite a cabin.

George:Yeah, well, it's not much, but it's mine. Well, it was mine. Now it's Susan's parents'.

Susan:We're so glad you could make it, Jerry.

Jerry:Thanks for having me. This is very... rustic.

George:You know what? I've been thinking. Maybe this whole thing with Susan isn't so bad.

Jerry:Really?

George:Yeah. I mean, look at me. I'm engaged, I'm getting married, I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life.

Susan:George!

George:What? I'm just being honest. But you know what the best part is? At least I won't be alone. Susan's going to be miserable too.

George:You know, Donald, this is exactly the kind of behavior that got us into this mess in the first place!

Donald:Me?! You're the one who started this whole thing!

George:I started it? You're unbelievable!

Donald:No, YOU'RE unbelievable!

George:Well, I'm not taking this anymore!

Donald:Oh, that's rich coming from you!

George:I'm not a bubble boy attacker!

Local:Get him!

Local:He's the bubble boy attacker!

George:No, no, no! You don't understand!

Local:Grab him!

Jerry:A cabin's burning down and all I can think about is whether I'm getting my security deposit back.

Kramer:My cigars! All my cigars!

Jerry:You know what's amazing about fire? It's the only disaster people actually want to watch. If there's a fire, everybody stops what they're doing. 'Oh my God, there's a fire!' People run toward it. You ever notice that? Any other disaster, people run away. Earthquake? Run away. Hurricane? Run away. But fire? 'Let me get a closer look at that.'

Jerry:It's like fire is the only thing that can hold our attention anymore. We're so bored with everything else. But fire? Fire is primal. Fire is exciting. Fire says, 'Hey, look at me, I'm destroying everything!' And we're like, 'Yeah! Go fire, go!'

Jerry:The primal power of controlling fire

Jerry:Non-smokers are getting bolder. They've gone from timid to aggressive. They used to just sit there, quietly coughing into a handkerchief. Now they walk up to you and say, 'I'm not gonna breathe that.' Like you're violating some international treaty.

Jerry:A guy came up to me on the street the other day and said, 'You know, smoking kills you.' I said, 'Yeah, but it's the only thing that makes me look cool while I'm dying.' He didn't appreciate that.

Jerry:Non-smokers are like volcanos now. They're just sitting there, dormant, and then all of a sudden — BOOM! — they erupt. 'DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO MY LUNGS?' I'm like, 'Sir, your lungs are your responsibility. I'm just standing here.

Jerry:You know what's worse than cigarettes? Cigars. Because with cigarettes, at least you can pretend you're not doing anything. But with a cigar, you're just sitting there with this big brown thing in your mouth, looking like you're enjoying it. You can't hide it. Everyone knows what you're doing. You're smoking a cigar. And the worst part? You've got to deal with the wrapper. You're peeling this disgusting, wet leaf off the end, and it's in your teeth, and you're making these horrible faces trying to get it out. It's like you're performing oral surgery on yourself.

George · Jerry · Susan:Bubble boy tried to kill me. — What? — Susan, tell them. — It's a long story.

Donald (Bubble Boy) · George:You know, your friend tried to kill me. — He's a lying snot. — He's a cheater, aren't you, little twerp? — Moors! — Moops!

Diner Local:There's the guy who tried to kill the bubble boy. Get him!

George · Susan · Jerry · Elaine:Do you smell something? / Yeah. Smoke. / Yeah. Definite smoke. / Look, it's a fire! / Holy cow, look at that! / It's my father's cabin! The cabin is on fire.

Jerry:I just realized, you never gave me back the change from the tolls.

Kramer:My Cubans.

Jerry:Something very scary and exciting about fire. People always run to see a fire. They're very proud if they have a fireplace.

Jerry:I think that's what smoking is really all about. That's the power of smoking. It's just this thing: 'I got fire right here in my hand. Smoke and fire is literally coming right out of my mouth.'

Jerry:'And it's very intimidating to the nonsmoker. It's like talking to someone going: My head could open up. Lava could explode out. Pour right down my face. Doesn't bother me a bit.'

Jerry:And a cigar is even worse. I mean, a cigar is like: You think this end is bad. Look at this wet, disgusting nub, huh? How scary is that?