Murphy Brown Lied To Us

Liz:♪ Cleanup, cleanup ♪ ♪ do your own housework, you little crackers ♪

Liz:Wow, look at you, all sweaty with your tool belt and your '90s haircut. You look like you're in a gay porno.

Brent · Rod:The gay porno cutaway: 'I'm Brent. I'm the new guy on the crew. I'm Rod. I'm the boss. And what I say goes.' / 'I've never been with a man before.' / 'Looks like I'm the boss now... Rod.'

Liz:Actually, I borrowed that book from my mother, so be glad I'm not a boy.

Liz:Murphy Brown lied to us. She had Eldin.

Liz · Criss:The door closes on the woman Liz was talking to (likely trying to adopt).

Liz:Murphy Brown had the whole FYI gang in her corner... Jim Dial, Frank Fontana, Corky, even Miles, in his own way.

Liz:I keep getting my Neighborallure magazine.

Jack:Jack's Kouchtown couch commercial monologue: 'This country's taken some hits lately... we sit down on a couch, an American couch... a Kouchtown couch.'

Jack:They came from a rich white guy. We have been creating and solving this country's problems for 200 years. Where's our history month?

Jack:Which costs... I don't know, $90 a gallon?

Jack:I'm meeting with the vendors tomorrow, Raymour and his conjoined twin, Flanigan.

Jack:Ashley of Ashley furniture will be there, and he is a genitally androgynous pinhead.

Liz:Well, good luck fixing America. I hope success isn't far, far away.

Liz:A girl can wear this anywhere. School, church, alone on the playground, a child therapist's office.

Jack:Nixon's been dead almost 20 years, not in cryogenic hibernation, resting up for 2016.

Jack · Liz:Wow, you two are really nesting. Yeah, all that's missing is the joint answering machine message. I'm thinking Sonny and... Cher.

Liz:I'm gonna stop you at Kevin. Has anyone ever known a good person named Kevin?

Jack:Kevin Garnett helped me move once. / Kevin Costner cooked me dinner after a bad breakup. / Kevin Sorbo introduced me to his podiatrist.

Tracy:This is an outrage. I didn't get to work an hour late just to be the first one here.

Jenna:I was busy burning down the panda express that I had fallen in love with.

Jenna:I'm just having a celebrity breakdown. It's the new sex tape.

Jenna:Something I wish I'd known before I released my sex tape with the six flags guy.

Jenna:'Da-mi', 'de-mi', Heather, Lindsay, Britney, Muammar... so sad. A life cut short. He gave the best diamonds.

Jenna:Justin and K-fed, Bruce and Ashton, Samantha Ronson and Herbie the Lovebug.

Jack:During world war II, the Bazooka Joe corporation used a softer version of their gum to make armor-piercing bullets — here. Years later, the government took it over. They turned it into a training facility for single mothers to teach illegal immigrants how to fill out unemployment forms. But then we took it back.

Jack:Ah, good morning, fellow patriots. Keep voting republican. We've got your back.

Jack · Stewart:Good God! / Looks more like the prototype than most things in this world.

Stewart:Oh, we didn't make the prototype. We bought it at west elm.

Stewart:I mean, you're the one who insisted on hiring American engineers. All they teach us now is how to build rollercoasters and survivor challenges.

Jack · Stewart:We have 10,000 of these? / I wouldn't know. I'm not a math guy, really.

Jack:What did Theodore 'Bazooka' Joe do when his eccentric millionaire father left him nothing but a tiny pink rock quarry? He baked those rocks and sold them to children. As gum.

Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, I need your input. / I cannot give it to you. I'm a married man. But more importantly, I find you very unattractive.

Tracy:Partying too hard with Christian Slater? Furious about NAFTA? Y2K panic? My heyday was the '90s.

Tracy:Did Hamlet start the play by stabbing people? No. He started by being boring and ruining my anniversary, 'cause Angie wanted to take advantage of 'all the great theatre in New York.'

Tracy:You have to build to the big breakdown, like in a C+C Music Factory song. My heyday was also the '90s.

Tracy:Hey, want to watch Mythbusters? Mm. Can we have sex after? 'Cause those guys always put fuel in my tank.

Liz · Criss:cigarfan@nbcuni.com / 'Avail 4 javamanana per Jack. Deets 2 follow. Kev'

Criss:'Sent from one of my four iPads'? This guy sounds amazing.

Criss:No, if you don't go, you're not gonna be able to tell Jack how wrong he is. If you do go, just have coffee with this guy, maybe Jack will shut up, and I'll finally get the acceptance that, you know, every 39-year-old man craves from his girlfriend's boss.

Liz:And maybe Kevin will insist on paying, and I can get a jazz CD and a ham sandwich.

Liz:'Dudely, let's make coffee our bitch.'

Jack:When did we get so soft? You know what this country used to sit on? Logs. Girders. Poles.

Jack:Kouchtown. Sit down or get out of the way.

Liz · Jack:Help, I can't move. / Tell me, can you even look at the television? / I can see the floor. I can see the veins behind my eyes. Oh! I can see pain!

Jack:The design forces the sitter into what Israeli military interrogators call a stress position. It cuts off circulation to the legs while simultaneously spreading out the ribcage, making it difficult to breathe while the body begs for oxygenated blood.

Jack:It comes in espresso, dandelion, putty, and, as you see here, lagoon.

Jack:If I blow this, Hank Hooper will never give me another shot. I'll spend the rest of my career behind this desk trying to lure Alf back to television.

Jack:You look like a substitute teacher who just got her one-year A.A. chip.

Liz:I'll do my best, but I watched, like, three Mythbusters last night, so I'm pretty exhausted, if you know what I mean.

Jenna:The Today Show Jenna breakdown montage: interrupting a spelling bee to compliment Gurubarath Kurrupuswami, being asked to leave Dick Cavett's birthday party, a kleptomania relapse ending in orgasm and arrest.

Today Show Hosts:Wow, Jenna Maroney has gone crazy. / She sure has, said the second guy.

Jenna:Matthew, I'd really prefer to just talk about my upcoming project. Me running through that window. Aah!

Kenneth:Where I'm from, Uncle Sam's mouth is sewn up, and then he's set on fire, so I don't know how he talks.

Jack:Greetings, gentlemen and female eunuchs of the furniture industry.

Jack:Jack sits in the torture couch during the vendor pitch and begins confessing. 'I hate golf. One time in college, I smoked a clove cigarette. I keep buying candles as gifts and keeping them for myself. My natural hair color is bright red.'

Ethan Allen executive:Good luck finding someone stupid enough to buy those couches, Donaghy. Everybody locate your buddy, and let's make our way to the subway.

Kenneth:I'm sorry, sir. If I could buy your couches, I would.

Jack · Kenneth:You know, that's exactly what you'll do. / Okay. / And will you accept dancing as money? / Kenneth. / Drag me to my office.

Tracy:I issued a statement on your behalf using Twitter. A media-savvy crackhead, I know. I said you were being treated for exhaustion and that you wanted to thank your fans, and also, you saw Tracy Jordan do 11 push-ups.

Jenna · David Blaine:David Blaine on a skateboard: 'I can see that you're on a skateboard, David.' / 'This is why we broke up, Jenna.'

Frank:I ate a pizza slice off your back. At one point, your veneers fell off, and you had these little baby fangs.

Gym Teacher:Thank you, Frank. It feels like only yesterday you were in my gym class, Jenna. Now, you weren't the only student I dated, but you were the only one who shot my wife.

Tracy · Jenna:Jmo, these are from Mickey Rourke. No! Tracy, put them down!

Kevin:I don't know. Maybe 'cause I'm a season ticket holder?

Liz:I tried to get my high school tennis team to call me ace, but they wanted to call me shorts accident. So we settled on supervirgin.

Liz:I tried to get my high school tennis team to call me Ace, but they wanted to call me Shorts Accident. So we settled on Supervirgin.

Cat:So we settled on supervirgin. / Okay, so I might not get scout, but I can negotiate up from puked in thermos.

Kevin:Would Jeremy Lin be willing to videotape a message for my buddy's bachelor party?

Cat · Kevin:That people who talk the most in meetings often know the least. / She sat in two meetings with me. I crushed it.

Liz:You know, if I'm gonna fall down a hill and die, I want to do it for free.

Brian · Cat:I've been there, Cat, and you should know that people are gonna assume that you're... / I'm a lesbian? I know. / I just needed to hear it.

Cat:Either the wicked queen in Disney on Ice or the third woman president.

Criss:Where is he? Where is 'Kev'? It's game go.

Liz:Well played. I am giving you gum for that.

Liz · Criss:Game go is not a phrase. / I don't know. I just got really wound up at the thought of you getting checked out by some creep.

Criss:I watched some boxercise videos on demand before coming down here.

Cat:He's wearing a rope bracelet. And I did not give it to him. People assume I gave it to him, but I'm like, 'you're not pinning that on me.'

Liz:That hasn't happened to me since senior prom, when Rob Sussman tried to fight Richard Sallatto because they had secretly broken up with each other the night before.

Liz · Criss:Why are you so out of breath? / 'Cause I ran all the way down here. / Why didn't you just take the subway? / 'Cause that's not romantic. Watch a movie, Liz.

Cat:I wish my boyfriend did stuff like this, but I feel the passion is gone since he left for college. / I'm totally messing with you. Guys, I'm 11.

Liz · Criss · Cat:Oh, thank God. / That is not funny, young lady. / It's a little funny.

Tracy · Jenna:I've been thinking. / Why? You're famous.

Tracy:You jumped through a window. You made out with Paz de la Huerta at a children's museum. You tried to dine at Balthazar without a reservation!

Paul:Where we'll lie on top of each other in one coffin, pelvis to face, for eternity.

Paul · Jenna · Tracy:Tracy, if you'll excuse us. / No, Paul. If it wasn't for Tracy, we wouldn't be here right now. He can stay. / No, I'm cool. I'm gonna leave.

Jack · Liz:Lemon, how did your date go? / It was amazing, but not in the way that you would expect. / Cat's a great kid, isn't she? / You really thought I'd set you up with Kevin? I've been trying to fire him ever since he invited me out on a Halloween party bus.

Liz · Jack:So you set me up on a play date? / I thought Cat would remind you why you purchased the princess Leia costume in the first place. Don't give it away just yet.

Liz:Oh, you are being so trans-vaginal right now.

Jack:Your country needs a few more Liz Lemons... I don't care if you join the Big Sisters and torture inner-city girls about punctuation. Any amount of Lemon is better than the crap we're turning out lately.

Jack:I don't care if you join the Big Sisters and torture inner-city girls about punctuation.

Liz · Jack · Kenneth:Wait, you sold them? To whom? / I just had to find a buyer who has too much money and loves to waste it. So every defective sofa that Kouchtown makes will be purchased by your beloved tax-and-spend government. / What are they going to do with them? / Sink them and make a reef to protect gay turtles? I don't know, lemon, and I don't care.

CIA Agent:The CIA interrogation scene: The couch is used as an actual interrogation device on a North Korean spy. 'Give me something I can take back to Langley. Then we'll get you out of the couch and send you home with a CIA gift bag.'

CIA Agent:I totally blew off that week of Korean we did.

CIA Agent:I totally blew off that week of Korean we did. Let's get the translator.

Liz · Criss:I think maybe I still... / I don't think you should... / want to be a mom. / give up on having a kid. / Okay. We're on the same page.

Criss · Liz:I think we've talked about it enough. Maybe we just put a pin in that and have some fun. / I'll open a puzzle. / I'll make a stew.

Jack:When did gum get so soft, you sons of bitches? You know what this country used to chew? Tree bark. Glass. Shotgun shells. The broken swords of our vanquished enemies.

Jack:When did gum get so soft, you sons of bitches? You know what this country used to chew? Tree bark. Glass. Shotgun shells. The broken swords of our vanquished enemies.

Jack:Life is hard. Shouldn't everything else be harder? Bazooka Joe gum!

Jack:That's why I buy Bazooka Joe gum. It's like chewing a mountain that someone shot a freeze ray into.