Murphy Brown Lied To Us

Liz · Criss:♪ Cleanup, cleanup ♪ ♪ do your own housework, you little crackers ♪ - what? - My kindergarten teacher was a former black panther.

Liz:You look like you're in a gay porno.

Criss:Oh, yeah? You're one to talk, buddy. I'm Brent. I'm the new guy on the crew. I'm Rod. I'm the boss. And what I say goes.

Criss:I've never been with a man before. Looks like I'm the boss now... Rod.

Liz · Criss:Oh! What are we doing? - I don't know. Whatever! Let's wrestle! It doesn't matter.

Criss:You have a baby name book, and you circled Adolf?

Liz:Actually, I borrowed that book from my mother, so be glad I'm not a boy.

Liz:Murphy brown lied to us.

Liz:She had Eldin.

Liz:I keep getting my neighborallure magazine.

Jack:'cause nunchaku-ing can wear a guy out

Jack:We have been creating and solving this country's problems for 200 years. Where's our history month?

Jack:which costs... I don't know, $90 a gallon?

Jack:Raymour and his conjoined twin, Flanigan.

Jack:Ashley of Ashley furniture will be there, and he is a genitally androgynous pinhead.

Liz:I hope success isn't far, far away.

Jack:What aboutstar wars do you want to say, lemon?

Liz:School, church, alone on the playground, a child therapist's office.

Liz:Nixon's been dead almost 20 years, not in cryogenic hibernation, resting up for 2016.

Liz:Has anyone ever known a good person named Kevin?

Liz · Jack:I'm thinking Sonny and... Cher.

Jack:Kevin garnett helped me move once. Kevin costner cooked me dinner after a bad breakup. Kevin Sorbo intRoduced me to his podiatrist.

Jenna:I was busy burning down the panda express that I had fallen in love with.

Jenna:Something I wish I'd known before I released my sex tape with the six flags guy.

Jenna:"Da-mi", "de-mi", Heather, Lindsay, Britney, Muammar... so sad. A life cut short.

Jenna:So sad. A life cut short. He gave the best diamonds.

Jenna:Justin and K-fed, Bruce and Ashton, Samantha Ronson and Herbie the Lovebug.

Jack:They turned it into a training facility for single mothers to teach illegal immigrants how to fill out unemployment forms.

Stewart:We bought it at west elm.

Stewart:All they teach us now is how to build rollercoasters and survivor challenges.

Jack:He baked those rocks and sold them to children. As gum.

Tracy:I cannot give it to you. I'm a married man. But more importantly, I find you very unattractive.

Tracy:Partying too hard with Christian slater? Furious about Nafta? Y2k panic? My heyday was the '90s.

Tracy:He started by being boring and ruining my anniversary, 'cause Angie wanted to take advantage of "all the great theatre in New York".

Liz:'Cause those guys always put fuel in my tank.

Liz:"Sent from one of my four iPads"?

Liz:"Dudely, let's make coffee our bitch."

Jack:You know what this country used to sit on? Logs. Girders. Poles.

Jack:Kouchtown. Sit down or get out of the way.

Liz:I can see the veins behind my eyes. Oh! I can see pain!

Jack:The design forces the sitter into what Israeli military interrogators call a stress position.

Jack:It comes in espresso, dandelion, putty, and, as you see here, lagoon.

Jack:You look like a substitute teacher who just got her one-year a.A. Chip.

Jenna:Dhanalakshmi, I'm happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but I just gotta say, Gurubarath Kurrupuswami spelled one of the toughest words of all time!

News anchor:Then a kleptomania relapse ending in orgasm and arrest.

Jenna:Me running through that window.

Kenneth:Where I'm from, Uncle Sam's mouth is sewn up, and then he's set on fire, so I don't know how he talks.

Jack:This couch... Is a failure. I hate golf. One time in college, I smoked a clove cigarette. I keep buying candles as gifts and keeping them for myself. My natural hair color is bright red.

Kenneth:And will you accept dancing as money?

Tracy:A media-savvy crackhead, I know.

David Blaine · Jenna:I can see that you're on a skateboard, David. This is why we broke up, Jenna.

Frank:At one point, your veneers fell off, and you had these little baby fangs.

Frank:you were the only one who shot my wife.

Cat:It's patronizing. Like girls don't know what jobs are.

Liz:I had my first crush on a shop teacher who looked just like Boo Radley.

Liz:but they wanted to call me shorts accident.

Liz:So we settled on Supervirgin.

Liz:So we settled on supervirgin.

Cat:but I can negotiate up from puked in thermos.

Kevin · Cat:That people who talk the most in meetings often know the least. She sat in two meetings with me. I crushed it.

Cat:Either the wicked queen inDisney on ice or the third woman president.

Criss:And he's in trouble, too, 'cause I watched some boxercise videos on demand before coming down here.

Liz:game go is not a phrase.

Tracy:You tried to dine at Balthazar without a reservation!

Tracy:You mean our grave. Where we'll lie on top of each other in one coffin, pelvis to face, for eternity.

Jack:Oh, you are being so trans-vaginal right now.

Jack:Sink them and make a reef to protect gay turtles?

Jack:Sink them and make a reef to protect gay turtles?

Jack:Tree bark. Glass. Shotgun shells. The broken swords of our vanquished enemies.

Jack:It's like chewing a Mountain that someone shot a freeze ray into.