The Pick

Jerry:Fashion shows are supposed to showcase clothing. But attractive models distract from the actual clothes.

Jerry:They're actually applauding the presence of attractive women, not fashion.

Jerry:The real talent is assembling attractive models.

Jerry:The walk looks like they urgently need to go somewhere

Jerry:They anticlimactically just turn around at the end

George:I love you, Susan.

Jerry:No, you don't.

George:I'm going to end up alone. I'm going to die alone in my apartment, and nobody's going to find me for weeks. And when they do find me, I'm going to be all bloated and purple, and the smell is going to be so bad, the neighbours are going to think that a repairman died in there. And I'm not even going to be wearing any underwear.

George:I'm gonna be just like my father. I'm gonna sit in my underwear, drink beer, and watch TV.

Jerry:In your underwear?

George:I'm telling you, I got nothing to wear. I'm out of clean underwear.

Jerry:So wash them.

George:No, no. I'm not doing laundry. That's the whole thing I'm trying to avoid.

Jerry:Then buy new ones.

George:That's a waste of money.

Jerry:How is that a waste of money? You need underwear.

George:I'm telling you, I got a system. I just wear them inside out. The other side's still fresh.

Jerry:You said dating Susan was like being in prison. You said, 'I'm doing time.'

George:I was upset!

Jerry:You said you'd do anything to get out. You said if you were a woman, you'd kill yourself.

George:It's like a prison cell in here.

George:I can't breathe. I can't move. I can't even think straight.

George:But you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything. This woman... she's everything to me.

George:A therapist? I don't need a nut doctor.

Elaine:Fred isn't that religious.

Fred:Let us pray.

George:I wish I had a photo card.

Kramer:I'll make you a photo card.

George:Wait, wait, wait. I don't want to do this anymore.

Kramer:No, no, no. We're doing this. Come on.

George:Kramer, I'm telling you, I don't feel good about it.

Kramer:Just sit down. You're gonna look great.

Kramer:No, no, no. You can't wear that. That's all wrong.

George:What's wrong with it?

Kramer:You look like a migrant worker. Here, wear this.

George:I'm not wearing that.

Kramer:Don't worry, I'll improvise.

George:♪ She loves me, yeah yeah yeah ♪

Therapist:I think we're done here. Session's over. You need to leave.

George:But we still have twenty minutes.

Therapist:I don't care. Out. Now.

Tia:Are you ready for the fish tank commitment?

Jerry:Well, if things don't work out, I can always kill the fish.

Tia:This Ocean perfume is amazing!

Kramer:Yeah, well, I came up with that idea.

Tia:What? No, you didn't.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I had this concept years ago.

Tia:That's impossible. I saw the patent filing.

Kramer:They stole it from me!

Kramer:Hey Jerry, can I borrow your DustBuster?

Jerry:No, no, no! You can't borrow it right now.

Kramer:Why not? What's the big deal?

Jerry:Because Tia is here, okay? And I just... I don't want you to have the DustBuster while she's here.

Kramer:So? What difference does it make?

Jerry:Just trust me on this one, Kramer. Please.

Kramer:How tall are you?

Tia:Five-ten.

Kramer:Five-ten? That's perfect. I'm five-eleven. We're almost the same height.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about my height. I'm not tall enough.

Jerry:What are you talking about? You're fine.

Kramer:No, no. I need to be taller. Women like tall men.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't just decide to be taller. That's not how it works. You are what you are. I mean, I'm not tall either, and I'm doing fine. Look at me—I'm reasonably happy. Sure, maybe I could be taller, but that's just life. We all have things we can't change. Height is just one of those things. You learn to accept it and move on.

Kramer:Wait a minute... my idea. They stole my idea! The fragrance! I was gonna be a fragrance millionaire!

Therapist:George, I sense you're not fully present. What's on your mind?

George:What? No, I'm here. I'm listening.

Therapist:You seem distracted.

George:I'm not distracted. Why would I be distracted?

George:It's just this stupid zipper. It's been stuck since I got here.

Therapist:Perhaps the zipper is a metaphor for something in your life that feels stuck?

George:No, it's a zipper. A stuck zipper. That's it.

Therapist:George, I think we should focus on your relationship with your father.

George:My father? What about my father? He's fine!

Therapist:You seem to have some unresolved issues.

George:Unresolved? The man wears a short robe and high socks!

Jerry:I love charity. I think volunteering is great. It's wonderful what people do for others.

Jerry:As long as I'm not involved.

Jerry:Is that a nipple?

Jerry:I mean, what is the deal with nipples? They're like the only part of your body that's supposed to stay private, but they keep trying to escape. It's like they have their own agenda.

Newman:It's just a breast, Elaine. Thousands of them are published every year in the National Geographic.

Newman:What's the big deal about nipples? They're just nipples.

Kramer:Yeah, exactly. Everyone's got 'em.

Newman:See? Nothing to be ashamed of.

Kramer:We're all the same.

Jerry:She won't return my calls. I don't understand why. I didn't do anything wrong.

Jerry:There's a big difference between scratching and picking. Scratching, you can do in public. Picking, that's private.

Jerry:I'm not picking my nose, I'm scratching it from the inside.

Jerry:Look, it's a natural thing. Even Moses picked his nose in the desert for forty years. You think he had tissues? 'Here are the Ten Commandments, and here's a Kleenex.' It was hot, it was dry, the man picked his nose. It's in the Bible, it's right there between Exodus and Leviticus.

Jerry:I'm not a pig. I use a tissue.

George:You pick your nose.

Jerry:So what? Everyone picks their nose.

George:Not in public.

Jerry:I wasn't in public, I was in my car.

George:That's public.

Jerry:It's a private vehicle.

George:You're visible to everyone.

Jerry:Well, if I saw a woman picking her nose, I'd dump her immediately.

Elaine:They're calling me 'The Namer.' Can you believe that? I made one little suggestion about the coffee machine and suddenly I'm 'The Namer.'

George:Nobody sends me cards anymore. When's the last time I got a card? Christmas? My birthday?

Elaine:George, my apartment building is being condemned.

George:A card. One card. Is that too much to ask?

George:You know, I've been thinking about something. These coffee shops, they always give you a cup that's too hot to hold.

Elaine:George, that's what the sleeve is for.

George:The sleeve doesn't help! My fingers still burn!

Elaine:You know what? I have something to show you.

Elaine:You see this? This is a nipple card. Look at it!

George:What is this?

Elaine:This is what women have to deal with! If I'm cold, my nipples show through my shirt. And men stare. This is my real problem, George. Not your coffee cup!

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me you didn't actually pick your nose?

Jerry:No, I picked it.

Kramer:But you scratched it first?

Jerry:I scratched it, then I picked it. What's the difference?

Kramer:The difference? The difference is scratching is socially acceptable. Picking is not.

Jerry:But it's the same thing!

Kramer:It's not the same thing. One is refined, one is barbaric.

Jerry:Well, maybe to you. But at the end of the day, perception is everything.

George:I'm going to make a difference.

Susan:A difference?

George:Yes, a difference. I'm going to start fresh. I'm going to do all those things I've always said I would do.

Susan:That's wonderful, George.

George:No more of the same old George. A new George. From this moment on, I'm a new man.

Susan:I believe you. I really do.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:I'm stable like a rock. My glasses are the only thing that distinguishes me. Without them, I'm invisible.

George:I can change. I can change.

George:I'm the same person I was five minutes ago. I want to be different.

George:Look, I used to have a whole wheat toast. Now I want a rye bread. That's change.

George:It's like an egg. You know, you're inside the egg, and you want to get out. But you're also comfortable in the egg. So you don't really want to leave the egg.

Susan:So what are you saying?

George:I'm saying that I'm afraid of change.

Susan:Well, I think you should get out of the egg.

George:If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George:Hello. I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Woman:Hi.

George:The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

George:I'm tellin' you, this woman, Mrs. Pasteur, she's incredible. She's got this system, see? A cockroach comes in, she doesn't kill it right away. No, no, no. She lets it live for a while, studies it, learns its habits. Then, when she's got enough information, she kills it. But here's the thing — she kills it in two different ways. Dual-boot cockroach killing.

George:I was in my apartment, and I see this cockroach, right? So I'm trying to get him out. I'm chasing him all over. Finally, I trap him under a glass.

Susan:So what did you do?

George:I said to him, 'I'm gonna let you out, but you gotta leave the apartment and never come back.'

Susan:And he agreed to this?

George:He nodded!

Susan:A cockroach nodded.

George:Yes!

Susan:And you believed him?

Susan:How did cockroaches get in here?

George:Well, you see, it started with the milk. I left some milk out, and it went bad. Then I used the bad milk to make a cake. The cake attracted flies. The flies attracted spiders. And the spiders... well, they attracted the cockroaches.

Susan:That's not how any of this works.

George:Well, that's my theory.

Calvin Klein:You have the body of a male model.

Kramer:Thank you.

Kramer:I try to stay in shape.

Calvin Klein:I'd like you to model for me.

Kramer:Me? Model?

Calvin Klein:Yes. You have the look.

Kramer:Well... okay!

Coworker:Hey, Bizarro Elaine!

Elaine:Don't call me that! I hate that nickname!

Coworker:Come on, Bizarro Elaine, lighten up.

Elaine:I'm serious, stop calling me Bizarro Elaine right now!

Coworker:Okay, okay, Bizarro Elaine, we'll stop.

Elaine:AHHHHH!

Calvin Klein Executive:Look at the bone structure. The way the light hits here...

Calvin Klein Executive:It's like Michelangelo's David, but better.

Calvin Klein Executive:We have to have him. This is genius.

Jerry:Why is it that we think picking our nose is so wrong? I mean, it's your nose, pick it if you want to. But no, society says 'Don't pick your nose.' Why? It's my nose!

Jerry:And then they compare you to the Elephant Man. 'Oh, you pick your nose, you're like the Elephant Man.' The Elephant Man didn't pick his nose by choice! He couldn't help it!

Jerry:It's like Shakespeare said... actually, Shakespeare didn't say anything about nose-picking. But if he had, he would have been pro-picking.

Elaine:It's like a nipple on your soul!

George:I gotta get out of here. Susan's been talking about her parents visiting for three hours.

George:Wait a minute... I got it. I'm gonna use the pick.

George:Excuse me, Susan? I think I got something in my teeth. I'm gonna need to use this pick for a few minutes. Alone.

Susan:George, you can do that in here.

George:No, no. This requires complete privacy and concentration. I could be a while.

George:See you later.

George:I'm telling you, I have a system. You can't just go in there willy-nilly. There's a whole technique to it.

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:Nose picking. It's an art form. First, you got your entry point. Then you got your search and rescue operation. And finally, the extraction.

Jerry:I can't believe we're having this conversation.

George:I went so deep last week, I tickled my brain. I was walking around for twenty minutes, couldn't remember my own name.

Jerry:Why is your nipple showing in this underwear ad?

Kramer:It's supposed to show character.

Jerry:It shows nipple!

Jerry:You know, the human body is like a used car. You've got to do maintenance on it. You can't just let it go. Eventually it breaks down and you end up in the shop.

Jerry:And like a car, there's always something wrong with it. Your back goes out, your knees start making noises, your hair falls out. It's just constant repairs.

Jerry:And the worst part? The warranty expired years ago.

Jerry:Women will endure any amount of pain for beauty. They'll have their eyebrows ripped out, their legs waxed, their upper lip bleached... But let a spider crawl across the wall and suddenly they're terrified.