The Movie

Jerry:You know what I noticed at the movie theater? They have these two ushers, right? One kid is like 15 years old, and the other guy is 80. There's no one in between. It's like they're not hiring anyone from 16 to 79. What happened to all those people?

Jerry:So now we're talking about a 10-year-old and a 102-year-old. That's not a relationship, that's a hostage situation.

Jerry:80 years to move 3 feet

Jerry:What is he doing? He's bombing up there!

Club Manager:He's our backup. In case the main act doesn't show.

Jerry:Well, maybe you should have a backup for the backup.

Theater Employee:Can I see your ticket?

Elaine:I don't have a ticket.

Theater Employee:Well, that's fine.

Kramer:Why do they call it 'athlete's foot'? I mean, I'm not an athlete.

Jerry:Because athletes get it.

Kramer:Well, I got it. Does that make me an athlete?

Jerry:No.

Kramer:My father got it. Is he an athlete?

Jerry:No.

Elaine:It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

George:I'm sitting there watching this movie, and there's this scene where the guy's saying goodbye to his father, and I just lose it. I mean, I'm crying, I'm sobbing, people are looking at me like I'm insane. And then I realize—I'm not even watching the movie. I'm watching the couple next to me share popcorn.

George:You know, I don't understand why people insist on seeing movies on these giant screens. It's ridiculous. You're not getting a better movie, you're just getting a bigger headache. My apartment has a perfectly good television set. I can see everything I need to see right there.

Elaine:I can't save seats. What if someone asks me to move? I don't want any trouble.

Jerry:What trouble? Just tell them the seats are saved.

Elaine:No, you don't understand. I once saw a guy get beaten up over a seat at a Knicks game. They had to call an ambulance. It was horrible.

Jerry:That's why you won't save a seat?

Elaine:I'm not getting involved in seat-related violence!

Elaine:So you're telling me that these tickets are fake?

Theater Employee:That's right.

Elaine:And you knew about it the whole time?

Theater Employee:Yep.

George:You know, these multiplex theaters, they're like POW camps. They got you trapped in there with ten movies you don't want to see, and they're forcing you to watch them all.

Buckles:You see, a fish... a fish is a very delicate creature. It needs the right temperature, the right pH balance, the right food. Most people, they don't understand fish.

Jerry:It's a fish, Buckles. It swims around, it eats, it dies.

Buckles:No, no, no. You're thinking of a goldfish.

Elaine:It's a movie about a woman's sexual awakening.

Jerry:So basically, every man in America wants to see this movie.

George:So let me get this straight. You're telling me that if I give you five dollars, you'll give me ten dollars back?

Kramer:That's right.

George:But that doesn't make any sense. You'd be losing money.

Kramer:No, no, no. See, you give me five, I give you ten. That's five dollars profit for you.

George:For me? What about you?

Kramer:I break even.

George:You break even? You're giving away five dollars!

Kramer:Giddy up.

George:Yeah, okay, I'm in.

George:I'm telling you, fifteen hundred is my final offer.

Kramer:George, it's two thousand dollars. That's it. Two thousand.

George:Kramer, I can get it elsewhere for twelve fifty.

Kramer:Then go get it elsewhere! I don't need this aggravation!

Traffic situation Ike Turner impression/domestic violence reference

Jose Feliciano:Come on, what's the holdup here?

Kramer:There's a traffic jam.

Jose Feliciano:A traffic jam? How would I know about a traffic jam? I'm blind!

Buckles:So we're working together on this, right? We're a team!

Jerry:No, no. I'm just ignoring you. I've been ignoring you this whole time.

Theater Patron:Excuse me, that's my seat.

Elaine:No, I'm saving it for my friend.

Theater Patron:Well, I had it first.

Elaine:You can't save a seat in a movie theater. That's not a rule.

Theater Patron:It's common courtesy.

Elaine:Well, my friend is coming back. He's just getting popcorn.

Elaine:I'm saving these seats! Back off! These are mine! You can't sit here! I have a system - I'm like a seat-saving machine! Nobody gets past me! I'm unstoppable!

Kramer:He's not very tall. He's stocky, shortish. He's got this thing going on with his hair, it's sort of... it's retreating, I guess you could say. And his face - it's a little lopsided. One eye's a little higher than the other. And he's got this look like he's always confused about something.

Theater Employee:That's a pretty unflattering description.

Kramer:Well, I'm just being honest. The guy's not winning any beauty contests.

George:I need you to store my coat for me.

Buckles:I'm sorry, I can't. My coat closet is completely full.

George:You're afraid to open it, aren't you?

Buckles:I haven't opened that door in three years. I don't know what's in there anymore.

Buckles:So what do you think? You think we'll ever work together again?

Jerry:No.

Theater Patron:My son, he's been having some issues with bedwetting. The doctor says it's completely normal at his age, but I'm really worried. Last night he had another accident, and I had to wash the sheets again. I don't know what to do anymore.

Jerry:Excuse me, you guys are talking during the movie.

Theater Patron:It's just the previews.

Jerry:It's the previews? That doesn't make it okay to talk!

Jerry:25 years of never being asked for a ticket stub, and now you want one?

Jerry:She's pretty, you know, in a conventional way. Like, if you showed her picture to a hundred people, ninety-nine would say 'yeah, she's attractive.' But that one guy, he'd be like 'I don't see it.' And I'm that guy.

Jerry:Yeah, I'll have a small.

Concession Worker:Small? That's a medium.

Jerry:What do you mean that's a medium? It says small on the cup.

Concession Worker:Yeah, that's a medium.

Jerry:So what's the large?

Concession Worker:That's a medium.

Jerry:Can an adult order a child size?

Concession Worker:Yeah, sure.

Jerry:What's in this butter?

Concession Worker:It's yellow.

Jerry:I don't understand, I had it right here. I had the stub right in my hand.

Theater Employee:Sir, without a stub, I can't let you in.

Jerry:But I saw the movie! I paid for the ticket! Why would I make this up?

Theater Employee:I'm sorry, those are the rules.

Jerry:This is insane! I'm standing right here! You can see me! I'm real!

Kramer:Rochelle, Rochelle... Rochelle Rochelle. It's the experience of a woman. The kind of woman your parents warned you about. Ohhh, Rochelle Rochelle.

Jerry:It's a movie. A French film.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it!

Kramer:Giddy-up!

Jerry:Kramer! Oh, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Jerry:You know, you're like a human wrecking ball. You show up, things get destroyed, and then you leave like nothing happened.

Buckles:You know, I've been thinking about my weight.

Jerry:You know what you need? You need height. If you were taller, you'd weigh less.

Jerry:Minsk? Why would anyone go to Minsk?

Buckles:It's exotic.

Jerry:Minsk is exotic? Minsk is in Belarus. It's not exotic, it's depressing.

Theater Patron:Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

Jerry:I can't see anything! Where's Elaine?

Elaine:I'm over here! No wait, I think I'm in the wrong row.

George:Why is it so dark in here? Did someone turn off the lights?

Theater Patron:Can you people please sit down?

Jerry:We're trying! I just sat on someone's lap!

Audience Member:Yeah, mine!

Elaine:George, is that you?

George:No, I'm three seats over!

Theater Patron:This is ridiculous! The movie started ten minutes ago!

Jerry:Just give us a second, we're almost there.

Audience Member:You're blocking the whole screen!

George:You're telling me I have to pay for a ticket I didn't use?

Jerry:You bought the ticket, George. You have to pay for it.

George:But I didn't go!

Jerry:So what? The seat was still there. They held it for you. That's not free.

George:My mother's in the hospital, my father's in the kitchen, and I'm in the middle of a relationship crisis.

Elaine:So what? I got a bad haircut.

Kramer:Hey, has anyone seen my keys?

George:Keys? Your keys? My life is falling apart!

Kramer:I'm just asking.

Jerry:You know what's weird about movies? You go see a movie, you come out, and you're confused for like twenty minutes. You don't know what just happened. You're walking to your car like, 'Wait, was he the bad guy? Did they die? What was that thing?' And your friend's like, 'No, no, he was good.' And you're like, 'Oh!' Meanwhile you paid twelve dollars to not understand what you just watched.

Jerry:So you're saying it's okay to kill someone if they're annoying?

George:Well, not okay exactly, but understandable.

Jerry:Understandable? That's not a legal defense!

George:It should be. 'Your Honor, he kept talking during the movie.' Case closed.

Jerry:So now murder is acceptable movie theater etiquette?

George:I'm not saying it should be in the law books, but between you and me, yeah.