The Movie

Jerry:You know what I noticed at the movie theater? They have these two ushers, right? One kid is like 15 years old, and the other guy is 80. There's no one in between. It's like they're not hiring anyone from 16 to 79. What happened to all those people?

Jerry:So now we're talking about a 10-year-old and a 102-year-old. That's not a relationship, that's a hostage situation.

Jerry:80 years to move 3 feet

Jerry:What is he doing? He's bombing up there!

Club Manager:He's our backup. In case the main act doesn't show.

Jerry:Well, maybe you should have a backup for the backup.

Theater Employee:Can I see your ticket?

Elaine:I don't have a ticket.

Theater Employee:Well, that's fine.

Kramer:Why do they call it 'athlete's foot'? I mean, I'm not an athlete.

Jerry:Because athletes get it.

Kramer:Well, I got it. Does that make me an athlete?

Jerry:No.

Kramer:My father got it. Is he an athlete?

Jerry:No.

Elaine:It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

George:I'm sitting there watching this movie, and there's this scene where the guy's saying goodbye to his father, and I just lose it. I mean, I'm crying, I'm sobbing, people are looking at me like I'm insane. And then I realize—I'm not even watching the movie. I'm watching the couple next to me share popcorn.

George:You know, I don't understand why people insist on seeing movies on these giant screens. It's ridiculous. You're not getting a better movie, you're just getting a bigger headache. My apartment has a perfectly good television set. I can see everything I need to see right there.

Elaine:I can't save seats. What if someone asks me to move? I don't want any trouble.

Jerry:What trouble? Just tell them the seats are saved.

Elaine:No, you don't understand. I once saw a guy get beaten up over a seat at a Knicks game. They had to call an ambulance. It was horrible.

Jerry:That's why you won't save a seat?

Elaine:I'm not getting involved in seat-related violence!

Elaine:So you're telling me that these tickets are fake?

Theater Employee:That's right.

Elaine:And you knew about it the whole time?

Theater Employee:Yep.

George:You know, these multiplex theaters, they're like POW camps. They got you trapped in there with ten movies you don't want to see, and they're forcing you to watch them all.

Buckles:You see, a fish... a fish is a very delicate creature. It needs the right temperature, the right pH balance, the right food. Most people, they don't understand fish.

Jerry:It's a fish, Buckles. It swims around, it eats, it dies.

Buckles:No, no, no. You're thinking of a goldfish.

Elaine:It's a movie about a woman's sexual awakening.

Jerry:So basically, every man in America wants to see this movie.

George:So let me get this straight. You're telling me that if I give you five dollars, you'll give me ten dollars back?

Kramer:That's right.

George:But that doesn't make any sense. You'd be losing money.

Kramer:No, no, no. See, you give me five, I give you ten. That's five dollars profit for you.

George:For me? What about you?

Kramer:I break even.

George:You break even? You're giving away five dollars!

Kramer:Giddy up.

George:Yeah, okay, I'm in.

George:I'm telling you, fifteen hundred is my final offer.

Kramer:George, it's two thousand dollars. That's it. Two thousand.

George:Kramer, I can get it elsewhere for twelve fifty.

Kramer:Then go get it elsewhere! I don't need this aggravation!

Traffic situation Ike Turner impression/domestic violence reference

Jose Feliciano:Come on, what's the holdup here?

Kramer:There's a traffic jam.

Jose Feliciano:A traffic jam? How would I know about a traffic jam? I'm blind!

Buckles:So we're working together on this, right? We're a team!

Jerry:No, no. I'm just ignoring you. I've been ignoring you this whole time.

Theater Patron:Excuse me, that's my seat.

Elaine:No, I'm saving it for my friend.

Theater Patron:Well, I had it first.

Elaine:You can't save a seat in a movie theater. That's not a rule.

Theater Patron:It's common courtesy.

Elaine:Well, my friend is coming back. He's just getting popcorn.

Elaine:I'm saving these seats! Back off! These are mine! You can't sit here! I have a system - I'm like a seat-saving machine! Nobody gets past me! I'm unstoppable!

George · Kramer:George and Kramer's extended negotiation over breaking a $20: the ticket money dispute, the popcorn offset, the bonbons offer, the counterproposal — 'George, you're sapping my strength.'

Kramer:He's not very tall. He's stocky, shortish. He's got this thing going on with his hair, it's sort of... it's retreating, I guess you could say. And his face - it's a little lopsided. One eye's a little higher than the other. And he's got this look like he's always confused about something.

Theater Employee:That's a pretty unflattering description.

Kramer:Well, I'm just being honest. The guy's not winning any beauty contests.

George:I need you to store my coat for me.

Buckles:I'm sorry, I can't. My coat closet is completely full.

George:You're afraid to open it, aren't you?

Buckles:I haven't opened that door in three years. I don't know what's in there anymore.

Buckles:So what do you think? You think we'll ever work together again?

Jerry:No.

Jerry:No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?

Theater Patron:My son, he's been having some issues with bedwetting. The doctor says it's completely normal at his age, but I'm really worried. Last night he had another accident, and I had to wash the sheets again. I don't know what to do anymore.

Jerry:Excuse me, you guys are talking during the movie.

Theater Patron:It's just the previews.

Jerry:It's the previews? That doesn't make it okay to talk!

Jerry:25 years of never being asked for a ticket stub, and now you want one?

Jerry:She's pretty, you know, in a conventional way. Like, if you showed her picture to a hundred people, ninety-nine would say 'yeah, she's attractive.' But that one guy, he'd be like 'I don't see it.' And I'm that guy.

Jerry:Yeah, I'll have a small.

Concession Worker:Small? That's a medium.

Jerry:What do you mean that's a medium? It says small on the cup.

Concession Worker:Yeah, that's a medium.

Jerry:So what's the large?

Concession Worker:That's a medium.

Jerry:Can an adult order a child size?

Concession Worker:Yeah, sure.

Jerry:What's in this butter?

Concession Worker:It's yellow.

Jerry:I don't understand, I had it right here. I had the stub right in my hand.

Theater Employee:Sir, without a stub, I can't let you in.

Jerry:But I saw the movie! I paid for the ticket! Why would I make this up?

Theater Employee:I'm sorry, those are the rules.

Jerry:This is insane! I'm standing right here! You can see me! I'm real!

Kramer:Rochelle, Rochelle... Rochelle Rochelle. It's the experience of a woman. The kind of woman your parents warned you about. Ohhh, Rochelle Rochelle.

Jerry:It's a movie. A French film.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it!

Kramer:Giddy-up!

Jerry:Kramer! Oh, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Jerry:You know, you're like a human wrecking ball. You show up, things get destroyed, and then you leave like nothing happened.

Buckles:You know, I've been thinking about my weight.

Jerry:You know what you need? You need height. If you were taller, you'd weigh less.

Jerry:Minsk? Why would anyone go to Minsk?

Buckles:It's exotic.

Jerry:Minsk is exotic? Minsk is in Belarus. It's not exotic, it's depressing.

Theater Patron:Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

Jerry:I can't see anything! Where's Elaine?

Elaine:I'm over here! No wait, I think I'm in the wrong row.

George:Why is it so dark in here? Did someone turn off the lights?

Theater Patron:Can you people please sit down?

Jerry:We're trying! I just sat on someone's lap!

Audience Member:Yeah, mine!

Elaine:George, is that you?

George:No, I'm three seats over!

Theater Patron:This is ridiculous! The movie started ten minutes ago!

Jerry:Just give us a second, we're almost there.

Audience Member:You're blocking the whole screen!

George:You're telling me I have to pay for a ticket I didn't use?

Jerry:You bought the ticket, George. You have to pay for it.

George:But I didn't go!

Jerry:So what? The seat was still there. They held it for you. That's not free.

George:My mother's in the hospital, my father's in the kitchen, and I'm in the middle of a relationship crisis.

Elaine:So what? I got a bad haircut.

Kramer:Hey, has anyone seen my keys?

George:Keys? Your keys? My life is falling apart!

Kramer:I'm just asking.

Jerry:You know what's weird about movies? You go see a movie, you come out, and you're confused for like twenty minutes. You don't know what just happened. You're walking to your car like, 'Wait, was he the bad guy? Did they die? What was that thing?' And your friend's like, 'No, no, he was good.' And you're like, 'Oh!' Meanwhile you paid twelve dollars to not understand what you just watched.

Jerry:So you're saying it's okay to kill someone if they're annoying?

George:Well, not okay exactly, but understandable.

Jerry:Understandable? That's not a legal defense!

George:It should be. 'Your Honor, he kept talking during the movie.' Case closed.

Jerry:So now murder is acceptable movie theater etiquette?

George:I'm not saying it should be in the law books, but between you and me, yeah.

Narrator/Ad Voice:The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. / It's a story about life and love and becoming a woman. / Rochelle Rochelle. Now playing at the Paradise Two.

Jerry · Concession Worker:Can I have a medium Diet Coke? / You want the medium or middle size? / What's the difference? / Well, we have three sizes: medium, large and jumbo. What happened to the small? / There is no small. Small's medium. / So, what's medium? / Medium's large, and large is jumbo.

Jerry · Concession Worker:Can I have a small popcorn? / There is no small. Child-size is small. / What's medium? / Adult. / Do adults ever order the child-size? / Not usually.

Concession Worker · Jerry:Do you want butter? / Is it real butter? / It's butter flavoring. / Yeah, well, what is it made of? / It's yellow.

Jerry · Cab Driver:Jerry gets in the cab, finally headed away from the theater disaster

Jerry · Taxi Driver:The taxi driver who appears to be an imperious foreign dignitary or royalty ('Your Majesty') demands Jerry stop for cigarettes even though Jerry is late for his comedy spot.

Jerry · Cab Driver:Jerry's cab driver immediately asks for a cigarette upon picking him up.

Jerry · Theater Employee:The second stub confrontation — Jerry loses the stub AGAIN and must produce yet another friend's ticket. 'I got the stub. I got the stub. I put it right in my pocket. I got the... I'm telling you, I got the stub.'

Jerry:You just let me in. We just did this a minute ago!

Cab Driver · Passenger:I have to stop for gasoline. / Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? / No. Impossible. It is on empty. See.

Elaine:Elaine returns to find her seat taken — she and someone fight over it while the movie plays

Rochelle · Stranger in film:Rochelle Rochelle movie clip: 'My name is Rochelle. I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk.' / 'Come by the fire. Take off those wet clothes.' / 'My hands are so cold, I can barely get these buttons open.' / 'That's much better. Much, much better.'

Elaine:Listen, I just went to go get popcorn and — God. I just went to go get popcorn, okay, and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there.

Theater Employee · Elaine:I can let you see Rochelle Rochelle. / Thanks.

Jerry:Have you seen a tall, lanky doofus with a bird face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

Jerry · Cab Driver:The royal cab driver stops for cigarettes across the street, delaying Jerry further. 'I don't have time. I'm gonna miss my spot.' / 'No, no. We go very soon.'

Jerry · Club Manager:Hey, did I make it? / Sorry. / Great. That's great. What a night.

Club Manager:Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Good set.

Buckles · Jerry:You think I need to lose some weight? / Weight? No. You just need some height.

Rochelle (film character) · Film Characters:Rochelle Rochelle in-movie dialogue: 'My father was a shoemaker. He worked hard, and we didn't have much money.' / 'Rochelle, Rochelle, what are we going to do with you?' / 'I want to go with you. Take me with you.' / 'Don't be a silly goose.' / 'But I've never seen Minsk. I hear there's so much hustle and bustle.'

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:The four characters end up all watching Rochelle Rochelle together — reunited at last, in the wrong movie.

Jerry · Elaine · George:Elaine, Jerry, and George all end up in the same theater watching Rochelle Rochelle and find each other in the dark: 'Elaine?' / 'Jerry.' / 'George?' / 'Elaine?' / 'But where's Kramer?' / 'Does this movie stink or what?'

George · Jerry · Buckles:Let's get out of here. I'll see you. / You're leaving? / Yeah. / Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month. / I don't want the coat.

Buckles:Jerry, call me when you get home, so I know you're okay.

George · Kramer:What happened to you? / I missed you at the other theater. Then I missed my set, and I had nothing to do. Man. Look at this. I sat in gum.

George · Kramer:Hey, by the way, you owe me $7.50. / But I didn't even use the ticket. / I still paid for it.

Kramer · Buckles · George · Elaine:I only have a 20. / Hi. / Hey! / What happened to you? / That's my coat. Give me that. Where did you get that? / It was on the seat. / You took my seat? / You owe me $7.50. / Yeah. Right. / What is this stain? / It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?

George · Elaine:George notices a stain on Kramer's coat (which Elaine is wearing): 'What is this stain?' Elaine: 'It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?'

Jerry:But I always get confused in the movie theater by the plot. It's embarrassing to have to admit, but I'm the one you see in the parking lot, after the movie, talking with his friends, going: 'You mean, that was the same guy from the beginning?'

Jerry:Nobody will explain it to you. In the theater, you can't find out. / Why did they kill that guy? Why did they kill him? / Who was that guy? Who was that guy? / I thought he was with them. Wasn't he with them? / Why would they kill him if he was with them?

Jerry:Oh, he wasn't really with them. / I thought he was with them. / It's a good thing they killed him.